₦airaland Forum

texanomaly: Flow your mind is always thinking, "How can I turn this to my advantage?"

You are like America's "Wise Guys" Always thinking, "What can I do now?" Never, "It is done."

Ara o biala gi?---------IBO
Shey owapa?------YORUBA
Someone help with Hausa
Are you ok?-------ENGLISH
You well so?------PIDGIN

Lol! Thats on a lighter note.

But seriously, Omoh mehn! I no understand wetin you write oh.

VanTee20: Oga flow, you don kobalize me for here o. Yes na! All my ribs are aching, not from laffing o but from the excessive beating I received from trying to use one of the slangs I saw in your book.

Ok make I tell how d thing happen. Yesterday for my class, Our class teacher wan mark attendance, so she come dey call our names from inside her register. Na so she come call my name say 'Van Tee Twenty'.

Me wey just finish reading Flow's update come answer her say 'Present ma........ Or so I thought.'

That's just what I said o, I come receive beating from first period to closing time.

No mind me Oga flow. Keep flowing, you too dey make sense or so I was thinking (seems that 'so I tot' no gree with my destiny)

hahahahahahahahaha Guy you make me laugh no be small.

OR SO I TOT

"guy i no know how i go do am oh, i no know how i go get my own 33thousand naira for the business wey we wan start oh, e be like say i no go follow una do am oh, I never pay Tupac him necklace money finish sef, guy i get so many wahala for my head oh" Man complained as both of us sat under the Mango tree the next morning.

"guy shebi we go start kponkpon work tomorrow, tell Madam Ifeoma make she borrow you the 33k na, say she go dey collect am small small if you dey work" I suggested. "na true talk oh" Man agreed.

Me that was suggesting, i had not even thought of how my thirty three thousand naira would come.

"guy make we go see how much them go give us as our share for that yesterday money" Man suggested and we walked towards Bigie's room.

We got there at the nick of the time, when they had finished sharing the money.

"Flow na your own share be this, na 5k" Tupac offered me my share.

"Man na ur own be this, na 5k sef" He also offered Man his share.

I was filled with joy as i counted the money. Because i did little or nothing to earn it.


"But the problem now be say, how we go share dem this phone?" Brainbox said.

"na true oh, and if to say Ade dey, we for sell them" said Bigie.

"ehnnnn Brainbox since na you thief am, you go take one of the phone, Bigie go take one, Me I go take one, Man and Flow go share the last one" said Tupac.

That was cheating. As if it was possible for two persons to share a phone.

But i complained not, neither did Man, afterall our hands weren't the hands that stole it.

All the phones were expensive, that i wondered how those motor park touts operated such expensive phones. Well, they weren't the real owners, neither were we. The real owners weren't those that bought the phones at first, the real owners were to come. Infact the real ownership is unending. Until it gets to the "final looter".

Untill then, the owners of the Nokia camera phone were Man and Flow.

"una wicked oh, see as una take better phone com give me and Man this r'ubbish camera phone, e no good oh" I complained. What i never knew was that that phone would be the Goose that would lay us a Golden egg in the nearest future.

"Tupac take this 5k, minus am for the money wey i dey owe your" Man offered Tupac.

"make we gamble na" Brainbox suggested and they started gambling.

I knew somebody's share of the loot would soon go down the drain. My prayer was that it shouldn't be my crony Brainbox. On a second thought, it would be better for him to lose it, afterall he had paid his 33k.

Knowing that gambling was tempting, i hurriedly left the room to avoid Super story. Man joined me.

"guy the phone get bluetooth oh" Man noticed as he accessed the phone.

I cared not whether the phone had greentooth or yellowtooth, or even if it was toothless, all i cared about at that moment was that i needed some weed.

"make we go Paapa place na" I suggested.

"guy no worry, i carry weed for my pocket, make we go backyard go smoke am" Man said.


We got to the dirty backyard, sat down and started wrapping our weed.

Suddenly i heard, "sutu uwe gi", it was a female voice. A familiar one at that.

"sutu uwe gi" i could now figure that it was Kate's voice.

My brain was sharp enough to know that "Sutu uwe gi" literally means "remove your clothes".

That meant a man was about to remove his clothes, or so i tot.

I was anxious to know who the man was, and how the f''ucking would look like, so i tiptoed towards Kate's window, Man followed behind.

To our greatest surprise, we saw no man but two women.

Mama Ejima and Kate.

Mama Ejima was kneeling down. Maybe she was pleading for something as i could see she wore a "pity" face. Or maybe not.

"anunam nunu, sutu uwe gi" Kate said. That was when it dawned on me that Mama Ejima was actually pleading.

"anunam nunu" means "i have heard you". Kate was an indigene of Owerri North local government, so was Mama Ejima, that was why they both loved conversing with Owerri dialet. A dialet that sounded like Efik.


As Mama Ejima started u'ndressing, i was wondering what her offence was that would warant her to u'ndress before she would be pardoned.

The drama started.

Mama Ejima was n'aked, and as Kate stood up, i saw that she too was n'aked.

They started making love.

Had my d'ick rose, i would had punished it later.

Instead of it to rise, it shrunk.

It shrunk because i so much hated watching L'esbians do their thing. Even g'ays. I prefered watching the real thing.

I watched the Movie keenly for about two minutes. Keenly, because that was my first time of seeing such.

I was feed up, and as i turned to leave, i saw what surprised me.

Man was silently videoing them with our Nokia phone all this while.

Blackmail read in my mind.

bennygee: Flow,u. Too much abeg.I don laff tire people think say I don dey kolo.pls updatee soonest.

I will, but you guys show know this; if i no update as una expect, I busy be that.

My apologies.

rachiks: hmmmm, at long last. I almost got tired at a time but the comedic nature of the story kept me going. Thanks to u flow, but the vomit u ate kept me throwing up as if i was the one that ate it.

You never see anything sef.

You go soon Vomit.

Melancholy: So many writer finds it hard to putting smiles on faces of people,but here we have it.Flow is the number one comic relief writer of our time.

Thank you oh.

I dedicate this "Late night" update to all Chelsea fans.

I painstakingly murdered sleep just for you guys.

BTW una mate dey win better thing, una dey win ordinary Europa cup.

texanomaly: bahahahahahahah! You almost killed me for sure this time Flow. You make my day! Keep it flowing. You are the one I check every day when I get home from work. You are my stress reliever at the end of the day. Thank you.

Am happy you love it.

BTW you no dey sleep?

We got home and Brainbox gave the money and phones he collected from the pockets of the dancing clowns to Bigie. Informing him that we would share our loots the next day, as well as the money we changed.

We entered the room to meet everybody, except Tega.

"i have brought my own money for the business we want to embark on, i have given it to Baba jay" Pkc informed. That was really good news. We were going on the right track.


We ate, chatted for a while and sleep came.

Since the rain had stopped, the atmosphere was cold.

Legend has it that one sleeps better in cold weather. So i slept like a bady tranquil in the bed.


In the middle of the night, my phone rang. I looked and saw "Nas" as the caller. Initially, i thought it was the American rapper Nas, maybe it was because I was awake but left my brain asleep.

"why Nas dey call me na?" I muttered and mistakenly pressed the "end" button instead of the "accept" button. And the connectivity went off.

I fumbled as i switched off the phone. And i promised myself i would call him first thing in the morning. Not the American rapper Nas, but my friend and course mate Nas.

Sleep flew away like a bird, and i couldn't catch it.

What kept me company was the Orchestra of snoring made by my friends. Baba jay was playing the Violin, Man was playing the Flute, while Pkc was playing the Keyboard.

Just when i thought Brainbox wasn't part of the Orchestra, he snarled.

Two minutes later, he snarled again to scare the living daylight off me, that i thought i had slept by the side of a Dog.

He snarled again, this time he stood up heading towards the toilet.

"Brainbox na you be that?" I inquired.

"no be me, na my spirit" He replied. The "spirit" i heard sent cold shivers down my spinal cord, because Brainbox really looked "spiritual" with his white cloth.


The next thing i heard was a heavy b'ang at the door.

"open this door" I heard a voice yelled from outside. I thought the MOPOs were back for a Season 2.

Brainbox ran out of the toilet and whispered to me, "who be that?". "na MOPO oh, them don come again oh" I replied.


"Flow open this door" The voice yelled b'anging the door harder.

"Flow na your name them call na, go open the door for them" Brainbox whispered.

"i no be Flow, Flow no be my name" I replied.

I and Brainbox stampeded in the dark room.

We stampeded to the extent that we were practically hugging each other.


"Flow! Brainbox!! Man!!! Make una come open door for me na" I heard the voice called.

That was when it dawned on me that the person outside was Tega and not a MOPO. Because a MOPO wouldn't mention the names of three of us, unless of course that MOPO was Ade.


I went to open the door and Tega asked, "why you dey fear to come open door na?".

"i think say na MOPO na" I replied.

As Tega laughed at me loudly, i percieved that he was drunk. S'kunk drunk.

Not just him, but Opopo and Lydia also. They were all drunk.

"where una dey come from na?" I inquired.

"we go drink oh, as we dey come back naso Vigilante stop us oh, we beg tayah but them no gree leave us, them come give us broom make we sweep main road" Tega narrated.

"Flow darling!!" Lydia placed her hand on my chest. "mumu girl, Men dey drink, you wey be woman dey drink sef, comot your hand for my chest jor" I nearly said, and i removed her monster-like hand from my chest.


Tega went straight to lie on the floor, Lydia joined him.

But before Brainbox could take his position by my side, Opopo was already there. Brainbox had no choice but to manage the floor.

The smelling S'kunk air that Opopo breathe out instead of it to chase sleep far from me, it fetched me sleep.

I dreamt i was eating Suya.

Maybe it was the Suya i ate at Ama Hausa earlier that chased me to dreamland. Or maybe not.


Someone tapped me to daybreak, and i heard, "mumu Boy, you just dey chop Opopo vomit", It was Man.

I opened my eyes wide to see that Opopo had thrown up close to my face.

And i realized the Suya i was eating in the dream were the b'alls of Eba Opopo threw up.

geogino: Flowlike a butterfly and sting like a bee........ you are too much.
Your originality makes so much sense

Thank you. You too Mucher. Infact, you too Muchest.

adavetee: Flow can't just stop laughing. So as big as "Bigie" is, he cannot fight? That's the reason I m always laughing at fat people cos they don't normally have strength to carry themselves in times of trouble. Give me more update abeg.

If him no sabi fight but him sabi thief na.

BTW Yorubas una never answer my question oh.

Firstgentleman1: Wia dis one comot 4rm? Ishi and flow don enta registry last week saturday, u dey here dey vex ontop natin. Make i break wetin happen down 4 u as per flow PA.

1. Ishilove dey crush on flow.
2. She don dey try catch flow attention since, buh flow no look her syd.
3. She come reason am say: "the kingdom of God suffereth violence and the violence taketh it by force".
4. No 3 don explain why she bribe one terrorist lyk dat come attack flow "mildly"(see english).
5. Before u go fit shout: it's a goal, flow fall under attack o.
6. The remaining story na top secret as na unto PM tinz.

The bottom line be say ishi don hook flow 4 court.

Morals of the story: "The end justifies the means".
#case dismissed#.
NB: I'm sorry for violation of rules no 21. I hope u will found it pertinental and temperemental to forgave me. Thanx in anticipation of no banning. Even if u did sef, flow will help me begged, it's not priding, it's just that i trust my boss. God bless.
Yours in christ
gentleman

where did you get the above information from?

Abi you dey work for Google?

"gbooooooaaaaaaar!!" One of the hefty guys smashed a bottle on the floor making my heartbeat read 20beats per second.

The bus conductor quickly dipped the bunch of money he held into his pocket, and he attacked Brainbox.

Bigie attacked one of the guys with the bottle. Lucky enough, the person he attacked was with a bottle that had not been broken.

"gboooooooaaaaaar!!" Another guy smashed the bottle he held making my heartbeat read 30beats per second. And that was the guy i was supposed to attack.

In Taekwondo martial Art, we were taught by our Sabonim that if we want to disarm a person with a weapon, we should sway to different directions swiftly, that if we notice the person's vision becomes unsteady, we could easily collect the weapon, smartly though.

In Pidgin to sway that way is called "Turn-turn corner, Aeroplane corner".

That was what i started doing and it seemed it was working. I did that keeping my guard.

"come fight na, you dey fear?" The guy said.

"you come na, you dey fear?" I replied.

The more he came closer to me, the more i swayed to different directions of the ring.

Ring i said because our Sabonim once told us that we should assume every fighting spot as a Ring.

The theory of the Great Mohammed Ali in his vibrant years was; "if you don't come to me, i will not come to you, but if you come to me, i will sting you". I was waiting for him to come and recieve a sting.

Ali's famous cliche goes; "I Float like a Butterfly and sting like a Bee". That was exactly what i did, or rather in my case, "I Flow like a Butterfly and sting like a Bee".

So i stung him like a Bee with a punch to his chin, that was after i had kicked the bottle off his hand.

I lost focus in the fight and it almost cost me a serious dental harm.

Omoh mehn! The guy let out a punch to my mouth, that i thought i had lost my 32 teeth.

The next punch came to my right eye that i saw birds flew round my head.

That punch brought me back to seriousness, that i in all seriousness replied him.

I continued with my swaying trick, and my next target was his d'ick. In a movie i watched, one of actors said and i quote; "Don't go for the Jugular, go for the D'ick".

I sent a punch to his Solar plexus and continued swaying and shuffling. He sent one that couldn't get me.

I was so focused on my target that i never saw him sent a heavy punch to my chest. It was as if a 50kg bag of Rice landed on my chest. My Heart unplugged from it's axis. I heard something p'umping in my stomach.

"abi my heart don fall for my belle?" I asked myself.

That punch weakened me so much that instead of swaying and shuffling, i started dancing Tango.


Just when i was about retaliating by kicking his d'ick hard, the fight stopped.

How did it stop? You would ask.

I saw Man tapped the guy i was fighting on the head saying, "oya begin to dey dance". The guy abruptly stopped fighting and started dancing.

I turned to see the other guys dancing also.

"wetin dey happen here na?" I inquired. "dem dey dance na, i don Jaz them" Man replied.

It now dawned on me that Man was at it again with his magic. The ever fetish Man.

I almost laughed at the Atilogu dance steps the guys were displaying.


If a Leopard could change it's spot, then Brainbox would definately change. He hurriedly searched the pockets of the dancing clowns and collected their phones and other valuables, including the bunch of money in the Bus conductor's pocket.

"when them go stop to dey dance sef?" Bigie inquired. "na in Five minutes time, make we dey go before them go get themself back" Man informed.


As we walked through the scary bush path that connected Mechanic Village and Nekede, "that guy wound me for my neck with that bottle oh" Bigie complained and i noticed the colar of his shirt had blood stains.

"when we reach house you go put Nchanwu for the wound" Man said.

Nchanwu is the name the Ibos call a scent plant that the leaves are used to spicen up Pepper soup, it has a very strong healing power for wounds, that is of course if the user would bear the pains it comes along with. I think the Yorubas call it Efinrin(am not sure, Yoruba people i get am?).


"Man how you take make those guys begin dance sef" I curiously asked. "na dis ring wey dey my hand i use" Man replied showing us a glittering silver ring in his right thumb.

It instantly dawned on me that that ring was the secret behind his magic powers.

I promised myself never to fight Man no matter what, even if he punches me first, i wouldn't retaliate. Because i might end up not dancing Salsa but Galala.

Had Man and Brainbox earlier told me they were the younger brothers of Mike Tyson and Evander Hollifield respectively, I wouldn't had believed. That night i believed they could knockout the Great Ali within two Rounds as i saw the heavy punches they let out.


The punches flew from different directions to the face of the bus conductor. I and other passengers pleaded, all to no avail.


Brainbox stood up, and as he sent out a headbutt to the bus conductor, he swayed and Brainbox head struck the door of the bus.

There is what is called "Koko" in Pidgin. Let me break it down, Koko means what swells forming a mountain curve when your head or any part of your body is struck on a hard surface.

I saw Koko grew close to Brainbox's right eye. Another Koko grew as the Bus conductor struck a stick on his forehead. Brainbox was beginning to look like a Monster.

There was Stampede and Chaos in the bus and i could hear one of the Heavy duties that sat close to me let out a fart that vibrated the seat i sat.

The bus driver brought the bus to a stop yelling that those that were fighting should alight from the bus.

"abi una wan fight, make una come down, i go show una wetin make them dey call me Chop bottle" The Bus conductor threatened.

At that moment, i noticed that Man was muttering some words. Was he crying? I asked myself.

"Flow make una come down make we show this conductor pepper" Brainbox beckoned.

"una go hear am today, na me get this place wey una stand, Mechanic village na my area" The Bus conductor threatened and we alight from the bus.

I looked around and noticed where we stood was Mechanic village. The dreaded Mechanic village.

Mechanic village was a shanty settlement where Mechanical Engineers lived.

I prefer to call them Mechanical Engineers because they were expert in the field of Roadside Mechanicology. They could practically perform surgical operations on cars. Infact, i can beat my chest and say they can bring back life to a dead car, be it Bus, be it Truck, be it Lorry.

But they had a minus, they were all touts. And fighting was their hubbies. Call them street fighters and you are not far from the truth.


It was still raining, although it had reduced. The air outside was cold.


Brainbox let out a hard push to the chest of the bus conductor and the bus conductor replied him with a punch to his Solar plexus. I had sound as if Brainbox ribs were cracking.

At that moment, the bus driver zoomed off leaving his conductor to carry his cross.

I noticed Man kept calm and continued muttering what sounded like Hausa.

"Eze make una show, dem this boys want fight, make una come make we show dem pepper" Chop bottle the bus conductor was calling his friends that were under a shade smoking weed.

I needed not to be shown any other pepper, i had seen enough of pepper that day.

I noticed that Bigie held two big stones ready for battle. I turned round to see that Tupac was nowhere to be found. "where Tupac na?" I asked myself.

It instantly dawned on me that Tupac went with the bus. Ah! Tupac was so Lily livered that a five year old boy could beat the living daylight off him.

"na me una wan fight abi, I go show una say na me be the person wey dem dey call Chop bottle, and i be Mechanic Village boy" Chop bottle threatened taking steps backwards beckoning his friends to hurry.

"ur name na Chop bottle, u never chop bottle before, but this my friend don Chop bottle and Razor blade" I pointed at Man who was still muttering. Man's left eye was burgundy.

I saw three hefty guys came to say "Hello" to us, each with a bottle.

"so na una wan fight abi?" One of the guys said.

"no oh, i no follow them oh" I almost said.

That was when it dawned on me that we were in for it.

seunblack: Flow,flow,flow,how many times I call u?U knw dey quick update again now abi?because u and ishilove don settle now,na to dey use us do shakra b4 u update?hmmmmm,anyways such is life,there is nothing woman can not turn a man to,na comment u dey comment now no more updates,imagine only one update in the last 18hrs.God dey o,God dey make u jst remember dat

Why una no fit understand person sef.

I have been busy at Work lately. No be so i dey update before na.

Abi i go leave work com dey Update?

To update takes more time than to comment.

Haba! Make una understand me na.

skoloppy31: Foxy,infact da way u analyse ur mess no differ from a junior bro who is a roomate....mehn dat guy dey mess!!!!.I do tell him if am in a 10000 conference hall and I am unaware he is present in that. Hall and I just. Smell his mess...I wil know cos na only one odour...keep it coming and FLOW werin dey now? Longest time

I dey oh, I no lost.

Na you i suppose ask where you dey since?

I so much Love Dan Brown's books. He is one of a kind.

I have read two of his books so far.

And I would love to read this.

[quote author=Foxy_Vista][b]Flow, shey you never know say I sabi vex when I high abi, I look like who go carry jonzing matter come public forum? Though me been dey play but wetin make you dey even reason ISHILOVE side self? Eh?

Owk, make I correct you for one thing. Me na Hausa brought up so I be aboki to the core and I go tell you one of our Hausa popular proverbs.

"Dariya ba so ba"

Literarily translated as...

"Laughter is not likeness or love"

So do not misinterpret Ishilove trying to help you as an avenue to start cultivating feelings for her. With the way you are going about it self you are already playing a lost game. Do you know why you can follow a member and PM them if the necessity arises?

That's a question you should have brooded over before declaring your love for her here. Haba mana.

Ehm... I am not fighting for love o, itz just this, we celebrated my colleagues birthday right in the office during office hours and, well, there were alcoholic drinks to go round. When under the influence, I don't consider people's feeling before posting truths in BLACK & WHITE. Me and Flow na paddy even outside Nairaland but him gats consider wetin him type. I no dey jonz. [/b][/quote]I guess you typed this under the influence of Alcohol?

Well, me too i typed mine under the influence of a stronger Alcohol.

Forget wetin i dey ask Ishilove, guy i know the right thing to do. I no be small pekin na.

I just can't comment without thinking.

Haba! Na my Brain i dey use for her oh(dat kin Brainbox)

I know wetin i dey do my guy.

But sha........................ STILL I FLOW.

Francuiz: If only it could b convertd to cash...

Someday it would. Very soon, i assure you.

As far as the Lord liveth, seed time and harvest time will not cease, says the Holy book.

So i guess my seed is about germinating.

Come what may, my seed must grow.

STILL I FLOW.

seuncyber: The master and the guru himseld flow flowing,well i saw her post and others reply and i laugh....why? well to let u no why u are the best in this game because u are real and down to earth and creative,this is wat makes u the best...and why should someone out of million members tell us that ur english is bad or correct and?

well the painful part is your last post was a little bit polish which makes the story not that funny like the others post.well flow please and please never let someone takes what u have and never change your self to be someone else.this is you and this is wat we love about you,and this is flow....so just keep it real,if they want to correct people well they should be a news papper and correct lot of things down there.

just imagine if basketmouth want to be like kris tucker will he be funny or if wizkid want to be like chris brown? they will never sa,well too much talk my point is write the way you write like other post, well is like you don't no what you are and wat you have and your value out here....millions of people want to be like you and pray to be like you.

Real major thing about life is putting smile to other people face....this is wat you have flow and with this do you no wat you will make just think about it and think......you are the best and we all no it....

I didn't change my writing style and I will never. I am still the same very funny flow, i haven't changed.

Why would i follow the writing style of another person?

Haba!

Shebi Mr Ibu and Jim Iyke na actors? Their acting style na the same?

I just had to acknowledge her corrections, thats all.

Make una Forget all this things wey una dey yan. I know wetin i dey do with Ishilove.

Thanks for the advice sha.

STILL I FLOW.

Ishilove: I never said he wasn't.

God bless you too.

lemme correct you, this Story is based on my past life and not my present.

I say make i ask you oh.

Do you have book(s) to ur credit?

What did u study in sch?

You be Edo babe?

Seriously, do you have an "Oga at the top in ur life"?(Forget wetin Foxy dey jonz himself).

I need answers to all these questions and MORE.

Thanks for the correction once more.

If you been correct me like dis we for no quarel na. Abi our fans wetin una think?

[quote author=Foxy_Vista]Yes she is.... To me!!! [/quote]Then divorce her.

Your Oga at the top needs her.

Ishilove: Ichor. The whitish stuff you swallowed from the cockroach's crushed carcass is ichor. When you crush insects, the whitish stuff that oozes out is ichor, not cockroach shit.

"The meat was so delicious that i almost chew my tongue along with it"- CHEWED. You are using the first person narrative style, you are narrating what has already happened, so it is past. Hence you should use past tense.

A Mallam: 'mallam' in the context you have used it isn't a proper noun, so the first letter shouldnt be capitalised.

"300naira own" Brainbox answered.
"we fit taste am?" Brainbox asked"- Brainbox Brainbox...do you see what I see? I'll tell you what I see: I see wrong repetition. Since it is the same character speaking, there is no need to separate the sentences into paragraphs. Try

"300naira own" Brainbox answered. "shey we fit taste am?" he asked further.


"his beard was longer and more bushy than that of Osama"- bushier

The surrounding was so dirty that, if the
population of the flies that flew around were
taken, it would amount to over One million.

The floor of the shop was also flooded with
what looked like Urine.

Since you're giving readers a description of the shop, the sentences should be in the same paragraph. Paragraphs are meant for different subject matters. The second paragraph is still describing the same shop, so there is no need for it to be seperated, hence it should be

"The surrounding was so dirty that, if the
population of the flies that flew around were
taken, it would amount to over One million.The floor of the shop was also flooded with what looked like Urine."

"Since the shop was clouded with stench of"-clouded/stench. Visual/olfactory. A place cannot be clouded with stench. Rather it can be clouded by smoke, mist, fog: we can visualise these elements. We can see then with out eyes. Stench on the other hand is olfactory, has to do with our sense of smell. We cannot SEE smell which the word 'clouded' connotes. Instead the place reeked with the stench. Stank, funked etc

"i saw a cockroach crawled towards my chair."- crawling

"soon my hands was infested with pepper" - I think you should change this word. 'Infested' brings to mind diseases and plagues . In addition, it should be 'my hands were, not was. 'Were' plural (hands), 'was' singular (hand)

So there you have it, flow, my observations, as you asked me to.

Hilarious narrative, by the way. You seem to be living an interesting life . You kind of remind me of sebonzakura kageyoshi, sans the pidgin and censored words . Keep writing flow, you are getting there. And guy, you are one heck of a talented writer

Mehn you don finish me.

I have seen my n'akedness, i will make amends.

This combination of pidgin English and English language is really affecting my English.

Thank you, i will correct it straight up.

I learnt alot.

Thanks once more.

BTW Are you married? Make we mingle na

"the whole money na 25k, how we go take share am" Bigie said on our way to board a bus to take us home. "when we reach house, we go know how we go share am" said Man.

It was getting dark. The darkness couldn't hide the fact that i smelled like a S'kunk. I was wet also.

"something dey smell" Tupac noticed as he walked shoulder to shoulder with me. "na all this dustbin wey dey for road, this market too dirty" I said and Brainbox giggled.

A seat by the window was it, so i gently went to seat close to the window at the extreme of the bus we boarded.

"make una come sidon for here na" I was beckoning my friends to come seat on the empty seats beside me.

"no worry make we sidon here, only u sidon there" Brainbox replied and they all laughed.

"why una dey laugh na, wetin funny?" I inquired what fuelled their laughter the more.

Had Brainbox told the others that i fell on urine? I asked myself.

I could still feel slight peppery sentation in my d'ick, although it was diminishing gradually.

The "fragrance" that emanated from my shirt smelled like the fragrance a He-goat produces.

Or were they rearing Goats in that shop? I asked myself.

My wish at that moment was for nobody to come seat by my side. That wasn't possible, unless of course i was ready to pay for the empty seats.

Even if somebody would seat by my side, atleast not a female.

A female it was, a beautiful one at that.

Not just beautiful, but Big and Beautiful.

The females that followed behind her were of her kind.

Call them Plus size, call them Orobo, call them Fat, call them Chubby, it is left for you. But for me, i would prefer to call them Heavy Duty because as the three of them sat, it seemed the bus tyre deflated.

Not only that, as they sat, they practically mangled me towards the window, that i could barely breathe.

The cloud was about to cry, as i could hear low thundering sounds from afar.

I took a quick glimpse at the faces of the Ladies to notice that just two of them were beautiful; the one by my side, and the one at the extreme. The one at the middle could be best described as a Mother Frog.

The right arm of my shirt was soaked with urine and it was wetting the dress of the beautiful Heavy duty that sat beside me. She didn't even notice.

What she noticed was the stench of Urine that came from my direction. And she looked away.

"uuuuuuuhnnnn! Piss dey smell for here" The heavy duty at the extreme said. I was surprised such beautiful Lady spoke Pidgin.

"who dey piss for bed here" The Mother Frog at the middle said and every passenger laughed.

"you dey Mad, na your Papa dey piss for bed" I almost said.

Immediately the bus Ignition came on, it started drizzling.

From drizzling, it started raining heavily.

Saying it rained Cats and Dogs that night is an understatement, it rained Elephants and Cows.

All the windows were shut and the urine odour was suffocating.

"uuuuuuuhnnn! Person go wan piss, na for him clothe him go piss, like say him be small pekin" The Mother Frog said what made the whole passengers laughed out loud. She was really a comedian, i guessed God gave her that talent to console her for her U'gliness. She would definately give Lepacious Bose a run for her money if she harness the talent rightly.


Suddenly, i felt a drop of water rested on my head.

From one drop to several drops. I looked up and several drops of water landed into my eyes that blurred my vission.

As i moved my face towards the Heavy Duties, the drops of water that entered my eyes came running down my chin, making it look as if i was crying.

"see this Bros dey cry because of the piss wey dey smell, person wey piss for body shebi you don see wetin you cause?" The Mother Frog teased and everyone laughed. My friends even laughed most.

The water as now running fast to my head. The water on my head was overflowing to my face, making me look like an Ostrich that just took it's bath.

"Conductor una motor dey lick na" I complained.

"no vex, take this rag put for the place wey dey lick" The bus Conductor offered me a very dirty rag that i rejected.

"make him use him hand hold the rag for up abi, you no know say him hand go pain am, you no get sense oh, you dey Mad oh" That was Brainbox abusing the Bus Conductor.

"na your Papa dey Mad, Otu Nne gi" The Bus Conductor returned.

"Otu Nne gi" is an abuse that literally means Your Mother's Kpormor. Of course you know the Kpormor i mean.

One thing led to another and Brainbox let out a punch to the Bus conductor's jaw.

The Bus conductor also let out a punch that was meant for Brainbox but landed on Man's left eye.

seunblack: Flow,u knw even celebrate man utd victory for us,sebi u be man utd fan?u suppose nack us like 10 updates to take celebrate the EPL cup and d sack of Roberto Mancini

i be Man u fan na.

No worry i will do my best to celebrate it.

yemi2plus2: Slow abi na flow do make you come update

SLOW abi?

And what do they say about SLOW and STEADY?

Slow and steady wins the race.

Francuiz: Hahahahaha. Oga flow cocroach na protein na

Hahahahaha na Vitamin W.

texanomaly: Flow your fans love you...I'm very impressed...When I come to Nigeria this summer I would love to see your work...you should be published...We will see what we can do about this...I'm sure your fans will follow you anywhere.

Am glad you love my work.

"okay, Bigie bring the Dollars" Man collected the Dollar notes from Bigie and handed it over to a Mallam.


"guy you go chop Suya? Make we go buy Suya na" Brainbox suggested. "guy make we go, i dey like Ama Hausa Suya" I agreed.

"guy una no know where una dey so? Una go find una p'rick oh, e be like say una no like una p'rick oh" Tupac warned. Tupac unlike the Notorious BIG was so lily livered.

"so because we dey Ama Hausa, make we no chop Suya again" Brainbox said and we both walked to the Suya Stand.

If there were "double-decker" Suya stands anywhere in the world, then it could be found only in Ama Hausa.

There were so many beautiful double-decker Suya stands that just staring at them filled my stomach.


"Mallam we wan buy suya" Brainbox said, "how much Suya I wan buy?" The Mallam asked. "no be you wan buy Suya, na us" I almost said.

"300naira own" Brainbox answered.

"we fit taste am?" he asked further.

As Brainbox asked that, i saw the face of the Mallam clearly for the first time. His beard was very scary. He look more like Osama Bin Ladin. Infact, his beard was longer and bushier than that of Osama, that i wondered if it could contain wild animals.

He offered us two chunks of meat to taste. Mine looked more like a Fallopian tube.

The meat was so delicious that i almost chewed my tongue along with it.

"Brainbox make am 500naira own, i go give you 200naira" I said, contemplating of even telling him to order for a 1000naira meat; 500naira for me, 500naira for him.

"Mallam make am 500naira own" Brainbox ordered.

He gave us the 500naira Suya, we paid and left.

There was no way we could possibly share 500naira Suya with our friends, so Brainbox suggested we sat in a nearby shop where soft drinks were sold.

The shop we entered was an eyesore.

The surrounding was so dirty that, if the population of the flies that flew around were taken, it would amount to over One million. The floor of the shop was also flooded with what looked like Urine.

Nevertheless, we sat in the shop and Brainbox ordered for two bottles of the Legendary Coca cola.

Since the shop reeked of urine, the Legendary Coca cola tasted like urine as i drank.

As we started munching the chunks of meat, i saw a cockroach crawling towards my chair. "why Hausa people dirty like dis?" I asked myself, as i ignored the cockroach.

I never knew my ignoring the cockroach would bag me sorrows and pains.


"guy pepper full this Suya oh" Brainbox noticed. "na true, the Malam pack plenty pepper full am" I agreed.

The Suya was peppery and hot.

I loved the sweetness of the pepper, so i took a lot of pepper with every chunk.

Soon my right hand was infested with pepper, it was as if i wore a glove.

Suddenly, i felt something tingling in my l'ap. I concluded it was my imagination, so i ignored it.

The tingling feelings moved to my b'alls, and it was hurting me this time around.


"yeeeeeh, my p'rick oh, my p'rick" I cried bitterly as i dipped my right hand into my trouser to know what was causing me such pain.

After moving my hand to the cardinal points of my P'enis, lo and behold my hand held a cockroach. I quickly crushed the cockroach without thinking twice.

"na dis mumu cockroach oh" I said, as i threw away the remains of the cockroach. "the cockroach no get respect for elders" Brainbox teased.

I realized Brianbox was two pieces of meat ahead of me, so i hastily grabbed two mighty chunks and threw it into my mouth.

As i was about sending home the pieces of meat i was chewing with a sip from my bottle of Coca cola, i noticed there was a whitish liquid on my index finger.

I concluded the whitish liquid could be from the Suya, so my tongue did the job of rubbing the liquid off.

The liquid tasted like phlegm.

I glanced at the floor to notice that the cockroach was moving partially.

I also noticed that the cockroach had a whitish liquid in it's a'nus area.

That was when it dawned on me that i just swallowed either cockroach poo or cockroach pee, or a combination of both.


Suddenly i begane to feel something peppery in my b'alls.

My b'alls were responding to the pepper i had baptized it with. Not only my b'alls, my entire thigh.

"aaaaaaaaaaaaah! My p'rick oh, my p'rick oh" I cried bitterly.

I felt a vibration in my b'alls that i thought the pepper had c'astrated me.

I couldn't hold the pain any longer, so i was shaking on my chair like a Jelly fish.

And it seemed my chair also couldn't hold my shaking any longer, so it sent me landing to the floor.

Had i landed on a mattress, i would had been glad. But i landed on a urine flooded floor.

Ezeebube2: finally my prophesy is coming to pass. Don't worry, u're in for more surprises flow. Remember, appreciative minds are following ur flowing thread. More muscles to ur power.

Am glad and i pray for a better day.

Neduzze5: Flow on bro. I bin initially dey afraid to read your tori from page zero but from about three days ago wey I begin, I just finish am yesterday. It's the lord's doing. You just gat yourself a new fan!

Which kin Fan? Standing fan or Ceiling fan

Thanks all the same.