₦airaland Forum

"Man see money wey dem this bad guys thief for Chief motor oh, Dollars!" I said, as I, Man, Tupac, Bigie, and Brainbox sat in Bigie's room admiring the Dollar notes that evening.

"but guy una bad oh, how una take open the motor sef?" Tupac asked. "na God do am oh" Bigie answered.

"haba! shey God dey help person thief?" I queried.

My eyes were totally fixed on the Dollar notes.

I so much admired the Dollar notes because since i was born, that was the first day i saw Dollar notes live.

I had seen it on Tv severally, but that was my first day of seeing it Live and Direct. I took one of the notes to feel its texture for the first time in my life.

"guy see as you dey look the money, abi you never see Dollar before?" Bigie said, smiling to reveal his gap teeth. That was my first day of noticing Bigie had slight gap teeth.

"me wey i don see Dollar tayah, my papa dey give us Dollar make we take buy biscuit when we small" I teased.

I wasn't even sure my Dad had seen Dollar since he was born. Okay, he had seen it once, when he went for United Nation peace keeping in Liberia. He not only saw it, he owned it.


I know as you read this, you would say; "Flow is from a poor home!". Well, you are not far from the truth.

We were so poor that we had two TVs; one for picture, one for sound. And when the TV that produced picture spoilt, we had to make do with the TV that produced sound.

We were so poor that when my rich friends asked me what my favorite food was, my answer was Beans and Bread(B and B).

We were so poor that i thought munching soaked Garri was the same as taking Corn Flakes.

We were so poor that Lunch was Dinner.

We were so poor that i grew pot belly at age seven.

But now Levels don change sha. Baba God noni.


"guys na to enter Ama Hausa go change this Dollar to Naira oh" Tupac suggested, "make una go wear cloth make all of us go na" said Bigie.

Ama Hausa! Oh Ama Hausa!! Ama Hausa literally means Home for Hausas or Northerners.

In Ama Hausa, you could change Dollar to Naira. Infact, you could change to any currency in the world. Bureau de Change was it.

If that was all, the place wouldn't had been dreaded. In Ama Hausa, you could buy and sell anything in the world, even human head.

You could buy things ranging from Suya, to Wrapper, to Phone, to laptop, to Igboh, to human tongue, to human s'crotum, just name it. Infact sometimes i wondered if their delicious Suya was human parts.

One thing for sure, in every State in Nigeria, there must be an Ama Hausa. Maybe it is not known by that name, but i assure you, there must be an Ama Hausa.

Infact, i can categorically say that, in every Country in the World, there must be an Ama Hausa, be it Jamaica, be it Russia. Because like they say; "Aboki dey everywhere".


On our way to the bus stop to board a bus that would take us to Ama Hausa, "guy i don f''uck up oh, how i go carry my phone dey go Ama Hausa, i dey craze?" Tupac said. "na true oh, me too i carry my wallet and phone" I said. And I and Tupac ran to keep our phones and wallets at home.

We going to keep our phones and wallets at home, was a very wise decision.

Infact, if it were to be possible to keep my S'crotum at home, i would had done so, because Ama Hausa had a history of magnetizing people's S'crotum and P'enis.

Many S'crotum and P'enis had gone, more would sure join, but not mine.

"The sun rises in the East and set in the West" goes the cliche. The town of Owerri shone like the Sun just rose that Evening.

"make una leave me make i speak Hausa with them the Mallam oh" Man cautioned.


As we crossed to the other side of the road to meet the Aboki or rather Mallam that did bureau de change, i said a little prayer for the P'enis of any of us not to fly away.

Cashkhiid: Flowey ooh! Walahi u fit send person to psychiatric hospital walahi! See as I roll commot chair! oya flow send me yhur acct no make I add sugar to yhur garri!

You mean am?

seuncyber: you are still the best any day any time any year,others are still learning from u joor...

keep it going

if you want to look young and fine just follow i mean read flow works it helps alot

keep it flowing

something big is coming your way flow something just keep your finger cross something big(good)

Wow!! I am flattered. What am i to say but Thank you so much.

"na a'shawo she be, naso she go dey sleep with people WIFE". I know its suppose to be HUSBAND. its not a mistake made by me, but by the person that said it. The thing make us laugh that day. Sotey we come dey think say Kate na L'esbien.

If you ask me if Kate was L'esbien, my answer would be, "when we reach there you go know"

A Lady walked into the compound. Rather a woman walked into the compound.

I said so because there are some females that are better called Women than Ladies. What would you call a wrapper tying female? A Lady?

Little wonder Fela of blessed memory sang that African women would prefer being called Ladies than Women.

The wrinkles all around the face of the Woman or rather Lady reminded me of my grandmum.

If the opposite of Catwalk is Elephantwalk. Then she Elephantwalked into the compound with a pale look.

For a moment, i looked towards Mama Ejima who was keenly watching the Lady as she walked in.

Mehn! How i wished Mama Ejima wasn't married to a boxer, i would had married her. She was my picture perfect dream wife.

I could still win her heart. Or so i tot.

I could win her heart after beating Papa Ejima in the boxing ring. That would never happen even if the great Mohammed Ali were to be my coach.

I was still admiring Mama Ejima when i heard, "graaaaaaagauuuuun", i turned to see that the fine Lexus Jeep was now a shadow of itself.


As the Lady dashed into Kate's room, We all wondered who she might be. I noticed Mama Ejima was laughing noisily. "wetin funny wey make this one dey laugh?" I asked myself.


Before i could say Wale Adenuga, i saw the Lady dragged Kate outside with Kate wearing just a B'ra and a b'ombshot. Kate was initially pleading with the Lady, but as she saw that we were watching them like a movie, she started yelling and raining abuses on her.

If abuses were Rain, then it was raining Cat and Dog. I heard Kate calling the Lady a p''rostitute, when it was clear Kate was the cat's whiskers in the p''rostitution world.

At that moment, it dawned on me that the Lady was Chief Levinus's Wife.

One thing lead to another, and they started fighting. Baba jay stood to go seperate the fight, but Man dragged him back saying, "wetin concern you, leave them make them fight make we watch jor".

Daniel and David that were playing football close to where they were fighting ran towards us, I held Daniel and Man held David.


All of a sudden, the Finger or rather the Claws of Chief's wife grabbed and tore Kate's B'ra to reveal her standing B''reast.

I saw that coming, because the claws of most ladies are far longer than that of a Cat, or even a Lion.

Kids will always be Kids. As David saw Kate's B''reast that stood at attention, he asked Man, "Uncle what is that?". "those are Oranges" Man answered the kid.

As Mama Ejima heard that, she yelled at her kids and they ran in.


Before i could say Wale Adenuga again, i saw that Kate had reciprocated by tearing Chief's wife blouse and B'ra and exposing her B''reast.

Was it a B''reast show? Or was it their plan to entertain us? I asked myself as we were laughing like we were being entertained by Mr Bean.

Had David saw Chief's wife b''reast and asked what they were, i would had answered that there were two seeds of Groundnut. They really looked like seeds of Groundnut, the fried one.

Chief's wife fumbled as she held her wrapper firmly. My prayer was for her wrapper not to unwrap and expose what i never planned seeing. because i never wanted to see what would cause me a nightmare.


Suddenly, Pkc and MOG came out, and Pkc said, "so you guys are here watching them fight?". "Pkc wetin you want make we do na" Man said.

As Pkc and MOG ran to seperate the fight, i saw that Tupac joined them. And Tega too.

I knew that the reason behind Tupac and Tega joining them to seperate the fight wasn't to seperate the fight per se, but to tap current. Electric current.

My eyes swayed to the car, what i saw surprised me.

Brainbox was inside the car, while Bigie stood by the door of the car.

It instantly dawned on me that they had something up their sleeves. They were L102ing Chief's car.

How on earth did Brainbox enter the car?

Oh my world!! I recalled that Bigie had told us some days back that he bought this glass cutter that could cut the glass of a car without making a noise. Bigie was measuring up to international standards, you know.

I looked keenly and saw that they had cut the glass. Maybe they opened the door from inside by passing their hand through the opening they made. But my question was; wouldn't the glass injure them?

Injury was what Brainbox could go through to make money. Afterall they say; "make money or die trying".

Within split of a second, they were through with their L102 and they left.


I saw Chief Levinus dashed out of Kate's room, entered his car and drove off without even looking at the damages his wife and the L102ers had done to his precious car.

My question at that moment was; who informed Chief's wife that he passed the night with Kate's? Maybe there was an informant.

Mama Ejima brought a wrapper to cover Chief's wife n'akedness and said, "na a'shawo she be, naso she go dey sleep with people wife". I concluded she was the informant--- abi wetin una think?

deji47: flow I sight u. update for ur guys dem now. biko.

Deji omo Yoruba. Eni suru

4kizo: Flow u wnt kil me wit suspence

No worry when we reach there you go know!

deji47: chief and kate quarell naked outside. nahim kate carry stone smash him glass.

You all got it wrong. But Jerry2i is closer.

Who can guess what happened next?

"Brainbox wetin dey that nylon bag?" I asked Brainbox as he came out of the toilet. "na money" He replied as he untied the nylon bag.

"na money wey i don dey save since we start this necklace business" Brainbox said. "na for inside toilet you dey save the money?" Man asked. "yes na" Brainbox answered.

I asked myself where in the toilet his bank might be that nobody ever saw the huge amount of money. So i asked, "where for toilet wey you put the money?". "na inside that place wey water wey dem dey use flush dey store" He meant the closet where water for flushing is stored.

"as una don know where i dey save money now, i go change to another place" Brainbox added. "na because of Bigie nahim make me hide the money there, i no say nobody for this house be thief" Brainbox said with a smile.

True talk, nobody in the compound steals other than the Notorious BIG and the Brainy Brainbox.

"so Baba jay how much be the total money wey i go contribute for the business?" Brainbox asked. "seven of us go contribute the same amount, so na 33,000naira you go contribute" said Baba jay.

To the surprise of everyone, Brainbox counted 33k out of the toilet money and handed it over to Baba jay. He put the rest into his pocket. The applaud that followed was deafening.

"so one person has paid his complete money, the rest of us has 7days to raise ours" Pkc stated.


"Up NEPA!!" Power was restored. "yeeeeh! Flow which kin rubbish haircut them barb you" Snoop said. Due to how events were unfolding so fast, and due to the fact that it was dark, I had totally forgotten i was still on the rat chop haircut.

"omoh, as Ade dey barb me, naso Police come arrest am say him follow people wey come kill Chief that day" I informed.

"so Ade na MOPO? Nawa oh! Who go send them to kill Chief sef?" Snoop asked the air.
"good! The spirit of Chief is arresting them one by one" said Pkc.


"if we open this barbing salon wey we wan open, who go dey barb people sef?" Brainbox asked as we both walked to Paco's barber's shop to finish what Ade started. "i no know oh, wetin i know be say e no fit be Me, or You, or Man, because we go soon go back to our Kponkpon job" I replied.


"Omoh see as customers full Paco salon, that guy dey use Jaz oh" I informed everyone as we got home. "we go fit make am so? Unless we go use Jaz like am oh" Brainbox said. "we are not using any Jaz, God is our Jaz" Pkc said.

"Jaz" here is not reffering to the music genre that originated from the Western world. It means Juju. And "Juju" is also not reffering to the music genre "Afro Juju" that is popular in South western Nigeria. Jaz from the context means using Voodoo to gain customers.


Sleep came. And i fell asleep. I slept on the floor because it was my turn to do so.

I dreamt i married the crowned Most beautiful girl in Nigeria, but as i was about to "enter the place", someone woke me.

"aaaaah! Tega e no go better for you, na now wey i wan arrange my fine Miss Nigeria wife for my dream, nahim you wake me, you be enemy of progress oh" I cursed.

"guy you don get Malaria be that oh, na person wey get Malaria nahim dey dream dat kin dream, stand up make we pray jor" Tega said, and the whole house laughed at me.


We prayed for about 2hours. Guess what our prayers were centered on? Our proposed business.

To every "Amen" we said, Baba jay responded with a hot fart. I just couldn't tell if that was his way of saying Amen. Or if his mouth was his a''ss and vice versa.

What i could tell was that the stench the fart produced caused a royal rumble in my stomach.


As we sat under the mango tree, "nna mehn! Baba jay we dey pray you dey mess, u no dey respect God oh" Man suddenly said. "i think say na only me hear the mess wey him scatter oh" I said. "guy, Baba jay finish me with mess no be small, u know say na me sidon near am, him mess make my eye red like person wey smoke Igboh" Brainbox said. "the mess even make Pkc forget prayer point wey him wan talk" I said that because Pkc wasn't close by.

"all of una for come sellotape my nyash make i no mess na" Baba jay said.

"even if we sellotape your nyash, your mess go tear the sellotape" Snoop said and we laughed beyond control.

From talking about Baba jay's messopotania, we started arguing about how expensive Chief Levinus's car that was parked outside could be.

What we never knew was that, the windscreen of the car would be smashed in a matter of minutes, not only that, we never knew we would all watch a live b'lue film in a matter of minutes also.

[quote author=emma_best2000]Flow abeg flow the go , more ink to ur pen more strength to ur body and more grease to ur elbow , guys the follow u step by step[/quote]Thank you emma_best2000. I appretiate.

IZUKWU: Brain box man go dey smell oh!

From ur signature, you made mentioned of a quote by Idowuogbo. Who is she? Shey she be Seun wife? Abi she be ur wife? Or is she a phylosopher?


Nairaland with it's fratanalization sef?

Flow can't be part of them oh. Or so i tot.

No be bad talk I talk na? Make una no ban me like Foxy na.

I said it under the influence of Alcohol. So, am not guilty.

[quote author=Foxy_Vista]You get am wrong. Na 2032 e go expire.[/quote]Foxy, i see you ma Nigga. BANNING NA UR SURNAME.

@Auditor0471, so i be Timaya and Ishilove na Dare?

So you are likening me to Timaya because i write in Pidgin?

No wahala.

I still maintain. I am still learning. But one thing for sure, i fit blow the kin grammar wey Ishilove dey blow(even more). But i no want make una dey carry dictionary anytime wey una dey read my story nahim make.

Just because i wrote this story in pidgin English doesn't mean i can't write "matured stories" like you said.

Am simply an all-rounder. Tell Ishilove make she write for pidgin na? I no dey make mouth oh. But am simply saying the fact.

It is well.

STILL I FLOW.

"Brainbox who give you laptop wey you carry?" Man asked. I had totally forgotten Brainbox was with us. I turned toward Brainbox to see that he was holding a very beautiful HP laptop.

"shebi una dey fear Police, me i just carry this laptop for Ade shop, dem the police think say na my laptop wey i dey charge, even sef all the money wey dey Ade shop, i don pack all of them" Brainbox said tapping his pocket lightly.

I noticed how his pocket bulged, with my mouth ajar, I concluded that the money in his both pockets would be enough for each of us to get atleast 5k as tip.

"Brainbox! Brainbox!! Brainbox!!!" we all cheered.
"Brainbox!! But how this boy take thief this kin plenty money, com thief laptop sef, and those Ekelebe no see am" I tot.

If Brainbox were to be in the era of the Notorious robber Lawrence Anini, he would had given Anini a run for his money. Or so i tot.

The sorrows that was formerly read on the faces of Man and Bigie suddenly turned Joy.

"make we enter one beer parlour make i give una una share of the money" Brainbox said.


We got to a Beer parlour to see someone i never expected we would see there. Kate.

Kate and her s'ugar daddy. Non other than the owner of the Block Industry and cement depot close to our site, Chief Levinus.

Very stingy Chief Levinus. He owes his workers salary arrears and still yells at them. He is the perfect description of "Aka gum". Aka gum means a hand that hardly gives. Little wonder Madam Ifeoma said over her dead body for her to buy cement from his cement depot. He was also a cheat.

We never bothered to say hello to them, because we no wan fall our hand..

We sat down and Brainbox immediately started sharing the money.

We all got 4,500naira each, while Brainbox had about 10k to himself, in addition to the Laptop.

To me, the money was shared perfectly, after all it was an L101 and not an L104. We drank a bottle of beer each, paid and left.

"thank God for this money wey Brainbox give me oh, i go go give Tupac, and i go give am the remaining necklace wey dey with me, i go tell am say i no dey do the busness again, say any money wey i owe am make him calculate am, i go dey pay am small small if we start kponkpon work" Man stated.

When i was saying i had saved enough money from the Jewelleries business than from Kponkponeries business, Man's was saying the opposite.

Man preffered Kponkponeries business to Jewelleries business, i could tell. Well, like they say; "one Man's meat is another Man's poison", or better still; "one Man's meat is another Flow's poison".


We got home to meet a full house, including MOG.

"ehen we have been waiting for you guys" Pkc said. "hope no problem Pkc?" I was surprised.

"no problem, seat down, we just need to talk about something important" Pkc said. "if na house rent una want make we contribute money, i no get money oh, after all e remain 6months wey i go stay here" I tot as i sat down.

"you see, we are brothers, and as brothers, we should do things for our betterment generally and not individually" Pkc begane.

"there is this business idea Baba jay suggested to me few weeks ago, the business is for us to open a barbing salon" Pkc informed.

"how possible is that?" Snoop asked what i wanted asking. "yes it is possible, Baba jay had made inquiries and he will tell us how much it will cost us to start the business" Pkc responded.

"i have prayed over it, and God has approved of the business, so now Baba jay will tell us how much it will cost us and how much each of us is to contribute to the business, we will gain alot from this business i assure you, it is very lucrative" Pkc added. "and one more thing, it is not a must oh, if u are not interested, just back out" Pkc informed.

"Construction and painting of Container: 150,000naira, furnishing of the shop: 35,000naira, buying of other materials in the shop, such as clippers and sound system: 45,000naira" Baba jay read out. "what of Generator na?" Man asked.

"MOG has promised us a Generator" Pkc answered. "what about the rentage of the land we would place the Container?" Tega asked. "we don talk to Haruna, him don tell Landlord, him say make we put the container for near Nkiru shop, free of charge" Baba jay answered.

"so who is in and who is out? If u are in just raise your hand up" Pkc said.

First to raise his hand was Pkc, followed by Baba jay, next was Man, Snoop and Tega raised their hands almost immediately.

I and Brainbox stared at each other for about a minute.

And we finally raised our hands up.


"make una calculate how much wey i go contribute for the business, i wan pay my own now" Brainbox suddenly said as he stood up heading towards the toilet.

I was surprised at the bold steps he took to the Toilet. What i never knew was that the toilet had been his Central Bank lately.

[quote author=Mazi_Omenuko]Entertaining as usual. Flow, na u we know!!! (Make dem no ban me for the improper use of pidgin)

Waiting for more updates. . .[/quote]See who commented. Mr Cassanova himself.

My Oga at the top.

[quote author=Foxy_Ultimate]You mean this rule?

[size=30pt]11. Don't create distracting posts e.g. posts in giant fonts or ALL CAPS or with silly gifs[/size] [/quote]You stubborn no be small.

[quote author=Foxy_Ultimate]You no sabi read story na... Na one part I quote from the story o... The part make me burst into laughter wella....



[size=20pt]21. Always post in proper English. The use of correct spelling, grammar and punctuation is compulsory[/size] [/quote]shebi them don warn you about bold font.

Them go ban you oh. Or so i tot.

"Flow make we go Ade salon, i wan go ask am how many of the necklace wey him don sell, u know say since i give am the Necklace i never collect any money for him hand" Man said the following evening as we sat outside.

"make we go, i wan barb my hair sef" Brainbox said. "me i wan sell one phone for Ade" Bigie said.


I, Man, Brainbox and Bigie were off to Ade's barber's shop. What we never knew was that someone would be arrested by the Police that evening. An arrest i saw coming.

"I know say Ade go don sell plenty necklace for me" Man Joyously said as we walked towards Ade's shop.

"Bigie where the phone wey you wan sell for Ade?" I asked Bigie. "see am here" He brought out a fine Camera phone that i guessed could be worth 25k.

"Bad boy!! where you thief this one from na?" Man said, "you dey mad, na ur papa be thief, u don ever catch me dey thief before?" Bigie replied.

Come to think of it, Bigie said the truth, he had never been caught red handed before. He was as swift as the wind. That goes a long way to explain the Pidgin English adage that says: "all of us dey take meat for our Mama pot, but na person wey dem catch nahim be thief".


We got to Ade's Barber's Shop to meet the shop scanty, "Ade why ur shop dey like dis na, you wan travel?" Bigie asked. "no oh, i no wan travel, only say things hard, market bad" Ade complained. "ehnn, i bring market come for you sef, na dis phone, i wan sell am" Bigie handed the phone over to Ade. Ade looked keenly at the phone and asked, "How much?". "okay Bring 17k" Bigie said, "na 13k i go give you for this phone" Ade replied. "okay just add 1k wey i go use buy beer for my guys" Bigie concluded.

Ade collected the phone, put it into his pocket and said, "wait make i barb dis person finish, i go pay you half of the money for the phone".

"Me and Flow sef wan barb oh" Brainbox informed Ade.

"Ade how far? How many necklace you don sell?" Man asked. "i never sell anything oh, the necklace no dey move market, i go give you back sef" Ade replied. As Ade said that, i saw that Man's formerly joyous look suddenly turned pale. As if he just drank a cup of urine.

Soon, it was Brainbox's turn to have his hair cut. Althrough, i noticed Brainbox eyes were focused at Ade's Money drawer that was partially open.

Next, it was my turn to have my hair cut. As i sat down and Ade started cutting my hair, i took a glimpse at the open drawer to see that Money was flowing like a river in it. Little wonder Brainbox constantly focused at the drawer. But i knew no matter how long Brainbox admired the money, he dared not try stealing them, unless he wanted the fetishistic Ade to turn him to a Goat or a tuber of Yam.

Ade was in the business of miraculously turning those that came to steal money or phones from his shop to either a Goat or a tuber of Yam, depending on which would be best for the person. As for Brainbox, a Goat would be best for him, considering the fact that his gootee gave him a He-Goat look. But one thing was sure, the same Ade that turned someone into a Goat or a tuber of Yam, was the same Ade that would reverse the action.


Ade had gone half way cutting my hair when Judgement day came.

Plural of Ekelebe is Elelebes.

So many Ekelebes stormed the shop.

I felt my heart melting.

"if you move, I shot!!" One of the Policemen brought everybody to a standstill.

"Adewale, you are under arrest for having a hand in the murder of Chief Ogbonna, you have the right to remain silent as anything you say or do will be used against you in the court of law" A Policeman quoted.

One of the Policemen handcuffed Ade.

"Are you all his friends?" A Policeman asked. "no oh!!" We all chorused. "no oh, since wey my Mama born me, na today be the first day wey i dey enter dis barbing salon" Man said fidgety.

I saw from the corner of my eyes that Brainbox drew closer to Ade's Money drawer. Since i knew what Brainbox was capable of, i concluded that all the money in the drawer were as good as gone.

"All of you leave this shop now, the shop will be locked" One of the Policemen ordered. "but Officer, Ade never barb my hair finish na" I almost said.

I looked at myself in the Mirror, a beast looked back at me. I looked more like Papa Ajasco.


As the shop was locked by one of the Policemen, i cried bitterly because of my funny haircut. "i no fit go house with dis r'ubbish rat chop haircut oh" I said to myself.

"Rat chop" indeed, it really looked like where Rats feasted. I never knew my problem was the least compared to the problems of my friends.

As the Police van zoomed off, i heard, "yeeeeeeh!! my phone dey with Ade and them don arrest am", That was Bigie.

"yeeeeeeh!! All my Necklace dey inside the shop", That was Man.

An Evening too many.

vision2050: Flow update... Let the mo.ro.n be

Mehn person vex me! (not in Nairaland oh)

I dey vex big time.

under dis condition i can't even type, not to talk of thinking of what to type.

Na one Lady wey dey work with me oh. Just like Ishilove(no pun intended) she is so proud. E remain small wey i for slap her.

Nothing pisses me off than Pride. E better make i chop my s'hit than make I stay with Person wey Proud.

So una see why i dey advice Ishilove.

[quote author=F.K.O]STILL U FLOW[/quote]Thank you F.K.O

I looked from Baba jay to Pkc, and back to Baba jay, I continued the process trying to figure out the right time to steal one of the mighty pieces of meat with all dexterity.

The time was ripe, so I quickly grabbed one of the pieces of meat, opened the neck of the Sweater i wore, and threw it in. I did all these within a split second.

Just when i thought nobody saw me stole the meat, two persons saw me. Not Pkc and Baba jay, but Snoop and Brainbox.

I winked at both of them signaling them not to say a word. Brainbox winked back at me signaling; "my share dey oh".

I thanked my stars that the meat was not piping hot, it was partially hot. Had it being piping hot, i would had stomached the pain, because the enjoyment of later munching such mighty meat would definately be stronger than the pain.

Evil grows with time, they say. As we continued eating, i thought of stealing another piece of meat. But what would i say if i was asked how three pieces of meat suddenly turned to one. Because i knew i would be the prime suspect. I would simply say, "make una stop rough play oh, una just dey cheat me since with rush-rush, una don chop una meat, una wan share my own with me".


Suddenly, i grabbed the second piece of meat with the speed of light, and threw it into my meat reservoir. Just one person saw me steal the meat this time around. That one person was the ever observant Brainbox. He winked at me and i smiled in return.


Suddenly Baba jay said, "where two of the meat dey na" giving me a gaze of suspicion. "make una stop rough play oh, una just dey cheat me since with rush-rush, una don chop una meat, una wan share my own with me" I boldly said.

They both stared at each other amazed and surprised at how two pieces of meat suddenly developed wings and flew without them noticing.


"I no go gree for una lai lai, Pkc even you that is a pastor, you want to cheat? God is watching you oh" I accused Pkc. "but i am sure i dished three pieces of meat, how come just one is left?" Pkc asked the air. "Angel Anu don come carry two of meat" I almost answered.

Anu is not the Yoruba name that is shortened from Anuolowa. It is Ibo, and it means Meat.

"make una no play rough play with me oh, dis meat wey dey for plate na my own, una don chop una own, i go cause Kata Kata here oh" I threatened and i heard Brainbox giggled.

Kata Kata is the baptizmal name for Wahala. And Wahala could be interpreted to mean Nsogbu in Ibo Language.

"why are you putting on a sweater?" Pkc asked. "Pkc that one no concern you, na meat wahala we dey talk here, no be sweater" I replied.

I noticed that Baba jay was contantly staring at my pregnant stomach. Pregnant with non-identical twins. Two pieces of meat named Anu1 and Anu2.


"okay we go swear with Bible, anybody wey chop the meat go get Malaria and Typhoid" Baba jay suggested.

I knew that if we swear with the Bible, I would not only catch Malaria and Typhoid, i would also catch Epilepsy, so i said, "Pkc do u support swearing with the Bible? You are a pastor oh. God is against our swearing with the Holy book oh". "Never!! we are never going to swear with the Bible" Pkc said. "Flow eat this meat, I and Baba jay will share the meat i left in the pot for MOG" Pkc concluded.

I smiled again.

As i munched the meat they left in the plate for me, i felt my twins kicking. It seemed i was about delivering.

Brainbox was staring at me with his face reading: "Flow where my share na?".

I stood up carefully in other for me not to have a miscarriage of my pregnancy. And i handed over what was left of the meat i was munching to Brainbox. That was his share.

"Flow comot dis sweater na, see as you dey sweat" Tega said. If he knew what was in the Sweater, he wouldn't had said that. "I like am like that, leave am for me, E concern you" I replied him. Brainbox and Snoop laughed out loud, because they knew what was in between the sweater and my stomach.


I hurriedly walked to the hospital to give birth to the twins in my stomach.

Foxy my Man. Ride on.

MoltenMagma: I hear sey she be original waffi babe. Kai, but she fine o. I can hit that...

That makes the two of us. I fine sef. And i be Original Ibo bobo.

I dey like her type.

Rap maestro: *Oya make i add salt to injury*
>
Ishilove and Flow will make a good couple..
=>Grammarian + Street Credibility A.K.A 9ICE

hahahahahahahahahaha You funny oh. Shey Ishilove na O''femmanu?

BTW I love O''femmanu Ladies. Them dey like their husbands well well. That "olowo ori mi" wey dem dey call their husbands drives me crazy.

But as for Ibo Ladies....................... Make we leave that one for another day.

Ishilove: I didn't want to say more initially, but I'll just add one last thing. Some folks are saying I should have put some heat on macjive for his harsh words. Well the simple truth is I chose not to because If y'all think macjive was harsh, wait until you meet a professional critic. If he doesn't like your work, he'll rip it to shreds without care for delicacy. I've been there so I know what I'm talking about. By the time the guy was done with me, I was quaking all over. When flow goes pro, he will meet folks who will say harsher things than macjive so the whole point of my comments was just to let the dude know that there can never be a time when EVERYONE will like your style. They will express that dislike in tones that you may not find palatable, so start growing a thick skin and bigger ears.

I got no issues with flow and I wish him the best.

I got no issues with you also. And i wish you the best too.

I too didn't want to say anymore initially, but I will just add one more thing.

That thing is that you are proud.

Must you tell everyone that you went to a professional critic? Make dem clap for u na.

I might have even gone to Wole Soyinka himself to go through my work, but must i say it out for all to hear.

Good knows that there is no critic that can make me cry, even if na Wole Soyinka sef. Instead i will smile at such critic and go back to the drawing board.



Yes, i want to take writing seriously albeit i studied the wrong course in the University courtesy of JAMB, but that wouldn't make me start living my life on the fast lane of Negativity because i am being criticized.

Do you know, u have never pointed out the mistakes in my writing for me to learn from, all u have been saying is that i should accept corrections. Where are the corrections?

I studied Physics for pete's sake, and not English. And the last time i checked, Physics is purely science and English is Art. You might be a Masters holder in English, good and fine, but don't be a Monopoly of Knowledge. Let us learn from you Mrs Grammarian.

Have you ever corrected me Mrs Grammarian? You are practically living like an Island.


Am not trying to take you to the cleaners, i am just telling you what i see in you.


PS: To the fans of Flow and Ishilove, this is not beef, it is more of literature Vendetta.


STILL I FLOW.

"Tega you don come back from station?" Man asked as we got home. What i couldn't tell was if Man actually asked that question or his younger brother Igboh.

because Man had told us while we were smoking that Igboh was his best friend and brother.

"u see me for here, u dey ask me weda i don come, no i never come, na my spirit nahim dey ur front so" Tega said what i wanted saying.


That morning was special. Why it was special was because we ate fried rice and Chicken, sponsored and prepared by Pkc.

As Pkc dished the food, my prayer was for either Pkc or Baba Jay not to be paired with me.

I went to the toilet to pee, and when i returned, i found out that everyone was eating with their partners. They were eating in twos. "where my own na" I asked, "come and join us, our plate of rice is meant for three persons" Pkc said beckoning that i come join them.

Guess who his partner was?

Baba jay. The ravenous and gluttonous Baba jay.

Baba jay, Pkc a.k.a let the mountain go down, and Flow.

At that moment, my prayer was for God to give me the speed go beyond five spoons.

"i no dey like dis kin thing oh" I murmured. The other guys laughed at my predicament.

The plate of rice had already gone half way when i took my first spoon.

I thought of the best way to make the ravenous beasts i was eating with slow down, but i couldn't just figure how best to do so.

I even thought of preaching to Pkc. But i thought otherwise, because, where would I begin? Genesis or Revelation?

Baba jay wasn't even chewing the rice, he just swallowed it. My situation could be likened to a rat eating with two Elephants. And to make matters worse, i was famished courtesy of brother Igboh.


"Baba jay take am easy na" I said. That fell on deaf ears, he even increased his pace.

I felt like crying.

"na today wey we dey chop rice and Chicken nahim una wan do me like dis, e no go work for una" I encouraged myself.

"Pkc e no good oh, see as una dey rush" I complained. Pkc replied me with a smile but still continue eating hastily.


Round one was over, Pkc went into the kitchen to dish the second plates. And i tried to figure how i would outsmart the two Elephants i was eating with.

An idea dropped. An outlandish idea.

When I was much younger, say about 15, when eating rice or any other food from the same plate with my seniors, I would put on a round neck T-shirt.

The T-shirt must never be white, and i always wore a singlet inside. The singlet too must never be white. Black was perfect. Infact i had a special black singlet and a black T-shirt for this mischief.

The mischief was to notice when the person I was eating with looks away. When the person looks away, I quickly drag one of the pieces of meat, open the neck of the T-shirt I wore, and throw the meat inside. It would hurt, but like they say: "no pain, no gain". And when the person asked where the other meat was, I would deny ever taking the meat, afterall he/she never saw me munched any meat. I would also blame it on the person that dished the food for not dishing the complete pieces of meat. (i don dey teach una bad thing abi?).

I must warn, never you try this with Ogbono soup.

The day i tried it with Ogbono soup, i met my waterloo.

Saying the meat i stole from the hot Ogbono soup peeled off my skin is an understatement, my intestine almost came out through the opening the meat created in my stomach. I was caught when i screemed as a result of the unbearable pain.


"wetin make you dey wear my sweater na?" Tega queried as he saw me putting on his black sweater.

"i wan comot, if we chop finish i go comot" I replied.

"but heat dey na, why you go wear black sweater for this hot weather?" Brainbox said.

"guy e be like say i no well oh, cold dey catch me when heat dey catch una" I replied.

They never knew i was up to mischief.

Mischief to outsmart the two ravenous devils i was eating with.

Ishilove: Mr Flow, you will do well by keeping me out of your posts, okay? We are not competing.

You need a lesson in humility because the way i see it, you are very full of yourself. You are letting praise get into your head, man. You also need a lesson on how to handle criticism. I have said it before and i will say it again, if giants like Wole Soyinka still give out their works for peer review before publication, if Habila, Chimamanda, Okri et al still get criticised, then who are you, flow, not to be criticised? If you want to take writing seriously then better start getting used to criticism.

I mean it when I say you should keep my username out of your posts. I, unlike you, welcome constructive criticisms because I want to grow and get better. C'est fini.

Since you ain't full of Yourself. Tell me, if you were in my shoes you would say "Thank you" to that guy's insultive quote?

Haba! E just be like say make person curse ur Papa and u say "Thank You". And don't tell me that is maturity, that is simply s'tupidity.

You said i need some lessons in Humility. Madam, i dey read your thread oh, ur response to critics is not that "HOLY" as you claim.

Am not full of myself, am just trying to be what i am. No pretence. Flow can never be Ishilove and Ishilove can never be Flow. Thats the fact.

Just because my story painted me as being a s'turborn boy and yours painted you as being a calm Lady(that is if it was non fiction) doesn't show that i need a lesson in humility.

The guy mentioned ur username that was why you found ur username in my response. Even if he is ur die hard fan doesn't make him to start beefing me, wetin i do am?

Common Madam, so you expected me to take what that guy said with a pinch of salt? Haba!

Lemme sight this as a case study; GEJ and OBJ, are their leading style the same? You should answer that, that is if you have a little knowledge of Nigerian politics.

Me and you no fit be the same. You wey dey say i need humility, i fit get that Humility pass you for real life oh. Thats the funniest part of the whole thing.

I am myself, both in real life and in Nairalander as a writer. So u better do the same, it will help you. Stop the faking.

We ain't quarelling but i can tell you are more interested in the bad part of someone's writing than in the Brighter side. That goes a long way to show why you hardly read other people's stories onlike the rest of us writers in Nairaland. So tell me now, between you and I who needs Humility more?

THATS ALL.

macjive01: I really don't know how to qualify this write up, Amateurish ? Silly? Funny ? Disgrace ?

Smh, IMO I think this is a classic Nigerian dumb storyline, that people will nevertheless love to listen and pay to view.

Just like our home videos, u have spent copious amount of time describing an irritating irrelevant scenario- why tell ur readers the nature of ur poo ?
The texture of your poo ?
The texture of your friends poo?
How many times you hv pooed?
The resulting effect of your mama calabar food on ur alimentary canal.
The resulting effect of same on friend1 , friend 2, Friend 3,

Goddamit! Are u not uncomfortable reciting these over and over? again and again and again! ?



My own verdict is; you are far from a good writer , you just happened to have lived a very interesting, funny, eventful life.


There is absolutely nothing artistic in ur write up , nothing coherent. The only thing ur story has is the intriguing life you hv lived.


Try reading ishiloves piece, I bet u will hv a rethink of this junk you are spurting .
U don't hv to match her literature prowess, and command of the English language, emulating just her writing style will help.


And ur repetition of the phrase, " or so I think" is irritating to say the least.

Clap for yourself.

Your know why?

because you are the biggest f'ool Nigeria will ever produce.

I have read all Ishilove's story. She just dey blow big big gramma.

I love her story, but when i was reading it, i had a Dictionary handy. You know why?

Her grammar was d'amn too much. (Ishilove no pun intended, i dey talk my mind).

Is it because i write in Pidgin English, thats why you call my writing amateurish?

If me and Ishilove(ur wife) publish book now, who you think say go sell pass? Na me. You know why?

because i've got street credibilty(i no dey proud, na the fact)

If i go strictly English i will definately write better than Ishilove. You know why?

because i go write English wey people go understand. Simple English.

I never wanted to quote you because i know you are an Attention Seeker. But i was tempted to because i read the response of my ever loyal fans(una thank you).

PS: I no read English Language for University oh, but i write pass people wey read English Language.

Or so i tot(shebi you say e dey vex u if i write am, ok go baf for Transformer).

Like the NSCDC boss said; THATS ALL.

"but Man you sabi run oh, see as you tear race when those guys dey pursue you for bush yesterday" I said the next morning as we sat outside. "after, Nigeria go dey say dem dey look for person wey go run for Olympics, when person like you wey go win gold medal dey here" Brainbox teased and we laughed.


"Flow make we go smoke Igboh for Paapa place na" Man said few minutes later. "dis kin early morning wey nothing don enter our mouth nahim we go go smoke?" I queried. "nahim dey good pass na, so that your brain wey sleep yesterday night go wake up, and ur brain go sharp well well" Man lectured.

The Igbohlistic nature of Man was becoming worrisome. Yes, Flow also smoked, but Man was "The Chimney". This could not be likened to the saying; "Kettle calling Pot black", it was more of; "Plate calling Pot black".

My grandmum once told me that; "whatever a young Man wakes up in the morning thinking, that thing would either Make him or Mar him".



Few minutes later, I, Man and Tupac were on our way to Paapa's place.

We were involved in a roof raising argument about the football match we watched the previous night as we walked to Paapa's place.


We got to Paapa's place and met Ade smoking alone.

"so Ade you dey reach here!!" I said shaking hands with him. "i dey reach here oh, na only by dis time i dey get chance to enter here before i go work" Ade informed.


I smoked with so much Joy that day because i was happy i had being making big time profit in my Jewelleries business lately, thanks to Florence.


Within a twinkle of an eye Man had finished smoking the wrap of weed he held, so he said; "where Paapa dey na? make him come give us more igboh".

I wouldn't blame him for finishing the wrap of weed so fast, the weed was tasty. Maybe it was because we smoked it before breakfast.

One thing was certain, we would eat a mountain of Eba for breakfast, as we were inviting hunger.

What made me vowed never to Smoke weed before breakfast was a bitter experience that happened when i was in school.

I smoked excess weed one morning and hunger came knocking. My stomach started singing songs of praise, the worms in my stomach started dancing brake dance.

If that was all, it would had been great, my eyes spun like a Big wheel. I was seeing things.

I was so hungry that i saw Sand as Garri. I saw myself walking on Garri. I saw Everybody walking on Garri. That meant that the Cosmos was abundantly blessed with Garri.

Were it not for my room mate that bought me something to eat, i would had munched a handfull of Sand thinking it was a handfull of Garri.


"Flow take dis money, go knock for Paapa door, buy more Igboh come, e be like say him and him wife dey do Jangolova inside room" Man said offering me money.

"where you dey go?" Man asked me. "I dey go where you say make i go na" I replied. "Smoke that Igboh wey dey ur hand finish na" Man said. "guy, i go carry am go like dat jor" I replied. "people go see you say you dey smoke Igboh oh, no fall ur hand oh" Man warned.

I thought what he was saying was rubbish, so i left holding the wrap of weed. Not just holding it, but smoking it also.

I knocked at Paapa's door severally and there was no response. I seemed to me that there was nobody in the room.

So i continued smoking my wrap of weed in the compound.


"so you smoke!!" I heard someone said. I turned back swiftly, and i saw nobody, i looked left, and i saw nobody, i looked right, still i saw nobody.

"who talk that thing?" I asked myself.

"So you smoke?" I heard again. Since there was nobody around me, i concluded it was the voice an Angel.


"I swear, i no go ever smoke again, Angel abeg forgive me" I replied the Angel looking up to the sky.


"so you smoke! I will tell the Pastor" The voice repeated.

Nobody told me to run.

I ran as if my life depended on my running.


I ran to an extent and stopped abruptly.

I stopped because it had dawned on me that i wasn't speaking to an Angel, i was speaking to Gabriella.

Gabriella, the lady in our church choir.

I recalled that Gabriella had once shown me her room.

Her room was opposite Paapa's room.

It dawned on me instantly that she wanted to scare me a bit by speaking to me through the Window.

She was the Angel. Angel Gabriella.

@sosiq. Slow and steady is better than hastily making mistakes, don't you think so?

Mind you, i want to update according to how it unfolded. I don't want to mix things up.

PS: it ain't easy.

It was getting dark, and the place they were dragging us to was a deserted part of the bush that even if we cried for help, our voices wouldn't be heard.

I heard a cracking, as if my elbow joint had been dislocated as Enyi pulled me with so much strength.


"okay, we wan pay una" I said and they stopped abruptly. "we go pay una with our phone" I stated. "where una phone?" Enyi yelled, "see my own here" I brought out mine.

"na dis r'ubbish phone be your phone?" One of the guys with a "bicycle seat head" said.

True talk, i was really ashamed of my phone, it lacked market value. I knew they would collect the phone and still behead us. Not "us" but "me", atleast let me speak for myself, because Brainbox saved his head when he brought out a beautiful Nokia camera phone, a Nokia phone that the Market value shouldn't be less than 10k.

The phone was familiar to me, but i couldn't put my finger on it, and i was sure that wasn't Brainbox's phone, unless of course his pocket had started manufacturing phones.

Oh my world!! It was the phone i saw on the counter at the Police station.

Brainbox stole a Policeman's phone. Nawa oh!!

If Brainbox could steal a Policeman's phone, in broad daylight, in the Police station and go unnoticed, then where else can't he steal from?

I was so shocked at Brainbox "Aka Abuo" skills that I couldn't hold myself back from shouting, "Brainbox!!!". "why you dey shout Brainbox, ur guy don save you, and u dey shout Brainbox" Agwo said tapping me on my head. "bros i just dey hail am, say him don try, him too much" I said.

"Too much" indeed, too much in Aka Abuo Ministry.

Aka Abuo is not Fulani but Ibo, and it means a fast pilfering fellow.

If Aka Abuo Gospel church were to be a church, then Bigie would be the Pastor in charge, while Brainbox would be the Assistant Pastor. Bigie was born a kleptomaniac was a known fact, but Brainbox stole just for the fun of stealing.

I removed my SIM card and handed my phone to Enyi. Brainbox never bordered removing the SIM from the Nokia phone because the phone wasn't his, albeit the phone was off.


"okay make una leave them, God don save them" Agwo commanded.

They left us, and as we ran, Enyi ran after us with his machete raised up as if he wanted to strick our heads with it, that made me increased speed, Brainbox also.


"guy naso pesin dey die oh" I said, panting as we stopped running. "guy see my shirt" Brainbox complained, removing his poo painted shirt, since he wasn't putting on a singlet, he was bare chested.


When i sat on my poo, half of my trouser landed on the poo, and half of my bare a''ss landed on the poo also. Since my poo was watery, it crested a Map of Nigeria on my trouser.

While it crested a small Map of Lagos on my boxers because my boxers rubbed off the poo that was stamped on my a''ss.

"guy so i go n'aked go house? Ur own even better sef say na only ur shirt the s'hit rub" I said to Brainbox.

I removed my trouser to reveal the crested Map of Lagos on my boxers. A Map that flies stuck to like Bee to nectar.

I concluded i would go home with just boxers. Or rather, boxers covered with T-shirt, because i wrapped my T-shirt round my waist to cover the Map of Lagos.

So we both walked home bare chested, just that Brainbox's case was better than mine because he had his trousers on, while i had given mine as a birthday gift to the hungry Flies that perched on it in the bush.

As we walked close to our gate, i saw Kate walking towards us. It seemed Brainbox saw her before me, so he quickly hid behind Nkiru's shop. It happened so fast that i couldn't hide.

"where are you coming from dressed like this?" Kate asked. "ehnnn, i am coming fron ehnnn, i went jogging" I stammered. She stared at me from the crown of my head to the sole of feet without altering a word.

As she walked passed me, i noticed her a''ss almost tore the tight Mini Skirt she wore. She gave my d'ick a gift of a picture perfect parting frame.

And my d'ick grew taller, forming a mountain curve.


If you are a guy, you would agree with me that in your boxers sometimes you would find ropes hanging inside, the ropes were used to sew the boxers.

Ropes that the manufacturers intentionally left as a trap to curb those guys that always have hard on.

These ropes were in the boxers i wore that day.

As i took two steps forward, i noticed that the mountain my d'ick made gave me difficulty in walking, so i quickly dipped my hand into my boxers to adjust my d'ick, unknown to me that the ropes in my Boxers had coiled round my erected d'ick.

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" I cried.

My Iroko tree had been cut down. Or so i tot.

"is anything the problem?" I heard Kate asked.

"no oh, everything is alright, nothing has been cut down" I cried out.