₦airaland Forum

"Brainbox you save me oh, u know say i no get money for transport, nawa oh, and those girls for laugh me well well oh" I said to Brainbox as we alighted from the bus.

I had forgoten my shirt was torn. Torn to the extent that i thought i wore a sleeveless when i actually wore a long sleeve shirt.

"Tupac where you dey go wey you dey waka fast fast like this" I saw Tupac walking towards us. "i dey go South Africa" he answered.

"you wan jay comot for Naija? Why na? You don tayah for Naija?" I said.

It had escaped my memory that there was a place called South Africa in Nekede.

"guy Nigeria go better oh, why you wan comot for Naija?" I said the r'ubbishest statement in the world.

Or rather the most r'ubbishest.

Don't try checking the word "rubbishest" in the dictionary, you would be causing yourself a heartache if you do so. Rubbishest is the superlative of R'ubbish. That is; R'ubbish, Rubbisher, Rubbishest.

"yes i wan travel go South Africa wey dey your village" Tupac said.

"you be Mumu, you no know say South Africa dey for Nekede abi, with this your Big head" Brainbox slapped my Ogor.

"guy them no born you well make you slap my ogor again" I threatened.

Ogor isn't a short form for the Ibo name Ogochukwu, it is what the mountainious curve at the back of the head of all H'omo Sapiens is called.

Some humans have a Mountain Kilimangero as their Ogor, others have Atlas Mountain as theirs, while some others have Quatara depression as theirs.

When i say Quatara depression, i mean those with Flat Ogor, the kind of SIM card Ogor, the kind of Drawing board Ogor, the kind of Bicycle seat Ogor.

Legend has it that the brilliant ones are those with Long Ogor.

If that be the case, then my Cousin Ik should be the most brilliant H'omo Sapien God created.

Ik's Ogor could cause traffic congestion. Sometimes i wondered how his mighty head came out of his Mother's womb. By surgical Operation or by Bomb explosion, or both.

Ik's Ogor could tear a Face cap and destroy a Hat. I am Sometimes ashamed of walking with him, but he is proud of his Ogor come Sunshine come Rainfall.


"no ever slap my Ogor again oh" I warned.

"i no go slap your Ogor again, but next time make you use your brain think well well, you don forget say South Africa dey for dis Nekede?" Brainbox said.

With the bag Tupac carried, i thought he was leaving Nigeria for greener pastures in South Africa. Were it to be so, i would had been happy for him. I had no choice but to be happy for him, even if i was sure i had not stepped my foot in a foreign land since i was born.

Sorry, I had been in a foreign land once. In my dream.

The Country i travelled to on a vacation was Spain. Madrid to be precise. But the dream wasn't complete because when i was about having s'ex with a Spanish beauty queen, my phone woke me. I almost smashed the Phone on the floor, but when i saw that the person calling was my Dad, my frown changed to Smile because i knew money was already smiling in my bank account.

That was back then in school, one hot afternoon, i will never forget that dream.

"wetin you wan go do for South Africa?" Brainbox asked.

"i wan go gamble" Tupac replied.


"that Video wey dey your phone, you don watch am?" I asked Tupac, as i took him to a corner, far from the reach of Brainbox's "Antenna ears".

"i don watch am, una be bad boys oh, how una take Video Kate and Mama Ejima dey do that thing na?" Tupac said.

"guy i wan go gamble, and i no get money, e be like say i go use my phone gamble oh" he added.

"i go give you my memory card, so incase them chop my phone for gamble, the video no go just go" he further said, as he handed his tiny memory card to me.

"no wahala, but i wan ask you one question oh" I said. "wetin be the question" Tupac asked.

"anybody follow you watch the video?" I asked.

"nobody oh" he answered.

"what of Bigie? Him don watch the Video?" I asked.

"after we clear grass finish that day, Bigie comot for house, na this morning him come back oh" Tupac said.

"i no wan show am the Video sef, because i know say him get big mouth" He added.

True talk, Bigie's mouth was as big as his size. He could go to Kate and demand money from her in exchange for the Video, and that would me disaster, real disaster.

"but guy make you and Man give Kate the Video na, that girl bad oh" Tupac warned.

"i go put the memory card for my phone com delete the video" I assured. I wasn't sure i would do such a thing without reasoning with Man wey dey reason.

"delete am oh, because Kate na green snake oh" Tupac said as he walked away.

If she was a green snake, then my friend Man the tamer would tame her. Or so i tot.

pillzthadrugz: Flow u say u no get t.p....... nahim be say u go see ur period bdat..... wit dat madt conductor.
Ehen flow wsup wit da bitches ova bitches video clip u send to tupac's fone..... wot did u guys make out of it this time around........FLOW U GET MOUTH DIE......i dey hear from u sha!......

when we reach there, you go know wetin happen to the Video.

In the next update you would know what happened to the Video. If to say i tell you about the Video for this last update, you for no appreciate am.

Simply put, i want to relate the video to something.

Church was heavenly, i sang with Joy, and i danced like that day was declared World Dance day. All because i wore a Necklace that was pure Gold.

I was dressed Golden also. My shirt was a perfect description of what they call "bling bling". It shone like the morning Sun.


"Flow make we dey go house, church don close na" Brainbox said.

"me and you na Twins? Dem born us together? Na must say we must go house together" I said to him.


As I and Brainbox walked to the bus-stop to board a bus that would take us to Nekede, i was hearing two Ladies gisting behind us. They weren't gossiping about someone as normal when two Ladies are together gisting, they were telling themselves how awesome the Service was.

Why wouldn't the Service be awesome? When it was the handsomely beautiful Pastor Kel that preached. Pastor Kel was a dashing hunk, with broad shoulders and pink lips.

Another attribute he had was his bald head. Saying his head was without hair is an understatement, his head was a Mirror anytime anyday.

Albeit Pastor Kel was married to a beautiful wife, saying all the Ladies in the church were heading over hills for him is an understatement, they were heading over mountains for him. And i was sure they could do anything to have a baby by him, and be a millionaire like rapper 50cent said.

"Touch not my anointed and do my prophet no harm" goes a verse in the Holy Book. I was sure the beautiful Demons on Angels skin we had as Choir members would not make the Spirit filled Pastor Kel fall out of Ministery.

I finally realized that the Ladies gisting behind us was Gabriella and her friend Sandra a.k.a small stout as they came closer.

Brainbox gave her the nickname "small stout" the first day he met her not because she loved drinking small stout, but because she was as short as a stout bottle.

"Nekede!! Nekede!!" The bus conductor was "shadowing".

I don't mean he was looking at his shadow on the floor, what i meant was that he was yelling for passengers to come board his bus.

If you live in Lagos, you would agree with me that "shadow" is a popular word you would hear mostly at motor parks and bus stops.

"Nekede! Nekede!!" the bus conductor yelled.

This time, his shadowing words sounded like "N'aked! N'aked!!" and not "Nekede! Nekede"


As i was about boarding the bus, something held my shirt.

I dragged, and dragged, until i heard, "braaaaaaoooo!". That was when it dawned on me that my bling bling shirt had torn.

I thought it was just a minor damage, but when Gabriella that followed me behind said; "you shirt had torn, it is big oh", that was when i knew i was in for it.

I turned and saw that what Gabriella called Big was actually "Bigger and Biggest".

My shirt had suddenly turned a singlet.

My shirt was torn into two equal halves. One was on me, while the other hung on the door of the bus like a flag. A Biafran flag maybe.

"Conductor see wetin una door don do me" I cried.

"guy no be only you don enter this motor oh, people wey don enter before you enter no complain oh" The bus conductor said.

I wasn't the only passenger that had entered the bus like the bus conductor rightly said. But it seemed the door of the bus saw the shirts of the others and left them, but magnetised mine like a nail to a magnet.

"sorry oh!" Gabriella was consoling me over the lose of half of my bling bling shirt.

"its nothing" I replied. It was actually "something". Yes, it was a big thing.

"sorry oh" Small stout said.

"why you dey tell me sorry na? abi person die" I almost said.


"guy you look like all this Fulani boys wey dey pursue Cow, naso them dey dress oh, naso their cloth dey tear" Man laughed at me.

"na you be like Fulani" I almost said.


As we sat in the bus and the bus moved, i remembered something.

That "something" was that i had no transport fare, i had spent all the money with me as seed offering in Church. I planted the seeds because i was so happy, and i knew the seed would germinate soon. Or so i tot.

vision2050: flow i need sleeping tablet inform of update

Am sorry, no tablet tonite, am so tired. I might even wake late tomorrow, today rather.

If you read this last update 5minutes after i posted it, you are on a LONG THING. Because i made a "trailer load" of mistakes.

I no send the thing oh, the thing send by himself. Una wey like my updates, na una control my hand to click SEND with una Taley abi?

I have made the corrections sha. So read again to understand better.


Yours Sincerely,
STILL I FLOW.

The next morning was Sunday morning.


"Bigie you dey Mad oh, we give you our wallet yesterday make you hold for us, you thief the money wey inside abi" I and Man held Bigie to ransom at the backyard.

"Flow we go beat am today, him must pay us the money" Man thundered.

"but no be all the money wey dey una wallet i thief na, i remain small for una na" Bigie stated.

"thunder fire you! I get 10k for my wallet, you take 7k com remain 3k for me, Man get 8k for him wallet, you take 7k com remain 1k for am" I yelled.

I totally forgot that the person we gave our wallets the previous day was the Notorious BIG. Had i known, i would had left my wallet on the floor and went to Riverside hotel, it would had been safer on the floor than giving it to Bigie.

He was so smart that althrough the previous day he was nowhere to be found, until that morning that he sneaked in.

"Flow this guy must give me my money today oh, na that money i wan use go buy JAMB form, and na tomorrow be the last day for the JAMB form" Man said with fury written boldly all over him.

My prayer for Bigie was for Man not to send a punch to his face. A punch that might either make Bigie start dancing or turn him into a Dummy.


"because you don finish University abi? you no want make i write JAMB enter University abi, e no go work for you" Man thundered.

Man really needed to gain admission into the University and Maybe study English language to clean-up his poor grammar.


"I go blow this guy oh" Man threatened.

"no blow am abeg" I pleaded. I had seen enough of the wonders of Taley.


"ok, take this phone, go sell am for Ama Hausa, the phone fine, you go sell am like 6k for Ama Hausa" I offered Man the most expensive of the phones i stole at Riverside. Sorry, i never "stole" but just "took".

My definition of stealing is taking something from someone without the person knowing. Since the owners saw me took the phones, so i never stole but just took them.

"Flow you sure say I go fit sell this phone reach 6k?" Man asked.

"guy the new of this phone na 14k for market, as this one still new small, you go sell am like 6k, i dey sure" I said.

Ama Hausa was known for buying items half the price the brand new of that item would cost, that is only if the item still looked new. For instance, if you bought a shoe 14,000naira, and two months later you intend selling that shoe at Ama Hausa, have it at the back of your mind that it would be sold 7,000naira or less.


"oh, you dey wear Gold sef, abi you thief that one sef" I saw the 18 carat Gold necklace Bigie wore.

Gold is Gold no matter what. And like the saying goes; "All that glitters is not Gold". The CC and GL Kpatalico and Tupaco company marketed glittered like the stars, but they weren't Gold.

"take this one, i go wear your Gold until you pay me the money wey you collect from my wallet" I removed the GL i wore, put it on Bigie, I also removed his 18 carat Gold and wore it. That marked the first time i wore a Gold necklace since i was born. Sorry, the second time.

The first time a Gold necklace entered my neck it lasted for about 2minutes. It wasn't mine, it was for a course mate when we were in School.


"if you no bring my money before tomorrow, your Gold don go be that, i go go sell am for Ama Hausa" I threatened.

"sell wetin, how i go sell am, me wey never wear Gold chain since dem born me" I said to myself.


"Flow Ama Hausa dey open on Sunday?" Man asked.

"yes na, them dey open everyday" I answered.

"okay make i go baf, i go first enter Ama Hausa before i go reach Church" Man said as he walked away.


My Church service that morning would be awesome, especially with a Gold necklace hanging like a medal in my neck. Or so i tot.

There were so many mistakes in the update that begins with "The next morning was Sunday morning"

I have made the corrections, pls if u have read it before, read again after the next comment that comes after this. Am sorry.

Your Sincerely,
STILL I FLOW.

deji47: me I like this "all in one taley" o. flow which online shop I fit 2 order one self? TGIF peeps.

At the end of the story you will know where you can meet Man to collect the Taley(with a price). That is if you are really interested, and if you get the mind to carry am.

Austinodark: The Last 3 updates are very interesting!

Thanks Austinodark.

deesnipes: Interesting
But for how long will they 'forget'?

when we reach there you go know

"Tochi see the two s'tubborn goat don come" Kate announced as we came close to their drinking table.

Truely, we looked like goats. Two christmas goats.

Suddenly, a guy with thick beards let out a thundering slap to Man's head. The heavy "Wind" that came with the slap almost swept me off my feet. Infact, i thought Man would throw up his entire brain.

"na una dey give my sister wahala abi, una no want make she enjoy herself abi" the guy that slapped Man said.

"so na to dey sleep with her fellow woman nahim be say she dey enjoy herself abi?" I nearly said.

As a bald guy came close to me, i was expecting him to slap me the way Man was slapped, so i bowed my head a bit for it to be positioned well for his slap. To my greatest surprise, he sent an uppercut to my left eye.

It was light out.

It was as if i was riding on a Roller coaster.

As i tried opening my right eye to see if i was still in the physical or i had gone spiritual, he sent a hot slap to my right cheek.

My two eyes went blackout. And this time i was riding on a Mary-go-round.

Not only that, i saw Roses germinating on my right cheek.

"Flow you don dey die be that oh" I told myself.

I was hearing drumbeats by my side, i thought the hosts of heaven had rolled out the drums welcoming two guests. Or rather two goats.

But when i heard Man shouting "yeee!! Aaaaaaah!! I don die oh!!" It dawned on me that what i thought was drumbeats was the sound of Plank on Man's head.

"wetin him do na?" I was wondering why they left me alone and was beating Man Blue Black.

"F'oulish boy, you sabi laugh abi?" one of the guys said. That was when it dawned on me that Man laughed when he was first slapped. Maybe it was because my eyes and ears were shut that was why I never saw and heard him laughed.

"Make una leave them, make we hear wetin them wan talk" Kate brought the beatings to a stop.

I managed to open my left eye to see that on Man's face grew two Koko. One on his Forehead and one on his Nose. The one on his Nose made him looked more like Pinocchio.

"na the Video be this, make una delete am" Man was showing them the Video.

As he was showing them the Video, one of the guys came to me and asked, "you don smoke Igboh before?". "no bros" I replied.

"ehennnn! Today you must smoke am" He stated.

What he never knew was that he was talking to Igbohbueze 1 of Igboh land.

He forced the wrap he was smoking to my lips.

"oya smoke am" he ordered.

I dragged in and pretended as if i was choking, and he started laughing, he never knew i was f'ouling him.

I puffed out like an amateur and coughed, and he laughed the more.

"you must smoke am finish oh" He stated. "bros i no go fit smoke am finish oh" I pleaded.

Show me your friend and i will tell you who you are, goes the saying. Brainbox was my friend. What would Brainbox had done in such situation? Was what i asked myself.

The wrap of weed i was smoking was "delicious", and it was giving me inspiration. Inspiration for mischief.


"i hope say una never send the video go another phone?" Kate warned.

"we no send am go any phone, as you don delete am, the video don go be that" Man said.

Suddenly, one of them came punching Man for no reason. Maybe he saw Man's stomach as a punching bag.

"Man see as them dey beat you, use your Taley na, abi your Taley no go work here?" I almost said. I never knew he had a plan.

Everyone to his plan. I started manifesting what i planned.

I started shaking like a Cassava leaf.

"this one don Kolo oh" Kate's brother Tochi said.

I was staggering and shaking my head at the same time. As i removed my shirt, it dawned on them that a Mad man was with them. I also grabbed a beer bottle swiftly, smashed it on the floor, and smartly held Tochi by his neck wanting to stab him with the broken bottle in his eye.

"guy come hold your guy oh" Tochi cried.

Man came to my back, and instead of holding me, he whispered, "guy hold am well well, no leave am oh, e get wetin i wan do now" to my ear.

I turned and saw Man speaking to his ring.


Suddenly, He was saying "Forget! Forget! Forget!" as he quickly tapped their heads one after the other, including Kate.

They all instantly turned Dummies.


"Flow make we dey go, their eye go soon clear" Man beckoned.

I quickly took the two phones i saw on the table and joined Man.


On our way, i asked Man, "that FORGET wey you dey talk as you dey nak them for head, wetin e mean?".

"e mean say them go forget everything wey happen after i nak their head with my hand" Man said.

I was happy they wouldn't forget we had deleted the Video, but they would forget that i stole their phones.

[quote author=emma_best2000]Flow follow man the go riverside hotel , do not fear because I know man can handle the situation if it turn bad , abi u don't forget what man do to that conductor and his friends ? Nothing mega or so I tot[/quote]So you tot indeed.

Ezeebube2: Even though you walked through the valley of the shadow of death, you saw no evil, or so i tot.
But its so evident cos you're alive to nack us d tori. . .:-D

yeah. You are right.

"kpooon! Kpoon!! Kpoon!" Man knocked at Kate's door.

No response.

"e be like say she no dey oh" I said. "yes she no dey" Man said.

"wetin we go do na?" I asked. I thought his reponse would had been "when we reach there you go know", i would had asked him "where we go reach? Heaven or Hell?".

"make we call her" Man suggested. "you get her number?" I asked. "i get am na" Man brought out his phone.

"na you go follow her talk oh" Man stated. "guy bon that thing oh, na you go follow her talk abeg" I replied almost immediately.

"hello!!" Man begane. "it is I Man, the Man that reasons" He introduced.

"guy she know say na you na, tell her make she dey come house now, no use English, use Pidgin" I said.

"I Just wanted to ask where went you, I and my Brother Flow wanted to beg you, and told you we want to delete the Video" English was his problem, especially when it has to do with conversing with the opposite sex.

"are you coming back now, I and Flow want to tell you that we were sorry, and you should forgives us" Man threw a bomb. I almost laughed so loud, but if i did, Kate would hear from the recieving end, and she might think we were making a jest of her.

Man's grammar was nothing to write home about. He was the opposite of a grammarian.

Legend has it that one speaks better when high on Alcohol or Weed. Truth be told, whoever listens to me speaking when i am high would think i am the son of the her majesty the Queen.

But for Man, he was the Bomb. He always let out his Ballistic missiles from his Arsenal of grammatical blunders when high.

I will never forget the day I and Man was returning from Paapa's place and he saw this beautiful Lady walking pass us. "hey baby! My name is Chinonso, tell me your name" Man said.

"you don't want to told me your name?" He said.

And when he continued bugging the Lady, she said, "you this J.unkie, why are you disturbing me".

Man's response to what she said made me almost laughed out my kidney, he said, "I am not born in June oh, my mother borned me in August".

The Lady laughed and broke it down for the "illiterate" Man, she said, "is it not you i saw at that smoking joint smoking I'ndian H'emp, you were there na".

"i were there" Man said, pointing a finger at himself.

"i saw you na, you were there" The Lady said.

"Flow, i were there" Man turned to Me.

Then he turned to the Lady and said, "i were not there oh, i were where i went to buy groundnut oh", and he showed her the groundnut in his hands.

The laughter of the Lady made people around thought she was mad. I controled my laughter so that Man wouldn't go angry.

Man's grammar was so Hausa-ish that even if he spoke the right thing, whoever heard it would think what he spoke was wrong.

Why wouldn't his grammar be Hausa-ish? When he spent his childhood in "Ugwu Hausa".

Ugwu Hausa! A place where the condition of learning is so poor that school children seat under the Mango tree to learn.

Ugwu Hausa!! A place where malnutrition is the order of the day.

Ugwu Hausa!!! A place where smoking in the street is like eating groundnut in the street.

Ugwu Hausa!!!! By the way, that is what most Ibos call the North. While they call the Northerners "Ndi Ugwu" meaning "People of the Hill". Because they have Hills in abundance.


"what did you say?" Man said to the Callee.

"Callee" is not a French word, neither is it an English word. It is a "Flow" word.

If a "Caller" is someone making a call, then a "Callee" is someone recieving the call. So says Flow.

"we should come and meet you where?" Man asked the Callee.

"okay, let us come and meet you in Riverside hotel" Man said to the Callee.

"ehn ehn ehn, you say" It seemed we were running out of airtime.

"credit don finish" Man said.

"Guy Kate say make we come meet her for Riverside hotel oh" Man informed.

"River wetin?" I asked.

"Riverside" He answered.

Riverside hotel was a nice hotel no doubt, but the hotel entertained mostly cultist. As police always paid the hotel a visit to catch cultist and robbers that came to catch fun.

"guy make we no go jor" I said.

"we go go" Man declared.

"go do wetin?" I asked.

"when we reach there you go know" He answered.

Since we had already started with the "Wahala", it was best we ended what we started. "make we go" I said, even though i knew the Buccaneers would be there with Kate.

"where una dey go?" Begie asked us on our way out. "Riverside hotel" I replied him.

"mehn i pity una oh" Bigie said.

"no pity us, just help us hold our phone" Man said, and we handed our "personal" phones to him, and our wallets also. That was the best thing to do. Or so i tot.

The only phone with us was our "joint phone", the phone that got us into the big "wahala".

"Man hold the phone well oh" I told Man who held it like an Egg.

And we walked like two Robots to the dreaded Riverside hotel.

"Flow wetin una do Kate wey make her call her brother for una?" Bigie asked, as we sat close to where they were cutting.

"nothing oh, we no do anything oh" Man answered. "see your mouth like nothing oh, una no do anything nahim them dey find una?" Tupac said.

"ehnnn!! if una die, i no sabi cry oh, i go just wear black cloth come chop Rice for una burial oh" Brainbox said.

"na you go die" Man cursed.

"Tupac you hold that your phone here?" Man suddenly asked. "yes i hold am here, e dey for my pocket" Tupac answered.

"bring am" Man said.

"wetin you wan use my phone do?" Tupac asked.

"i wan send music put inside" Man said. "guy i no dey like make any music wey no be Tupac music dey for my phone, if no be Tupac music no send am oh" Tupac warned.

"na Tupac music na" Man said. "ehnnnn! Wetin be the name of the music" Tupac was curious.

"na B..itches over B..itches be the name" I answered.

I knew there was a Tupac song that was titled; "Money over B..itches(MOB)", so i coined out "B..itches over B..itches(BOB).

A perfect title for the Video. Perfect because Kate was a B..itch, Mama Ejima too was a B..itch, and since they both had a roll in the hay in the Video, B..itches over B..itches should be the title.

"na only Money over B..itches i don hear oh, i never hear B..itches over B..itches oh, you sure say na Tupac sing am?" Tupac asked.

"na Tupac sing am na, Gadafi feature for the song sef" I said. I wanted to say the song featured Snoop Dogg, but as i noticed that Snoop who was a die hard Snoop Dogg fan was present, i mistakenly said Gadafi.

Don't get me wrong, Gadafi here is not referring to the Late Lybian President, but a member of Tupac's crew.

That Tupac's crew member named themselves after Leaders like Idi Amin and Mamman Gadafi is a known fact. They bore names like Idi(short for Idi Amin of Uganda), Gadafi(short for Mamman Gadafi of Lybia), even Tupac named himself Makaveli(coined from Nicolo Machiaveli of Italy).

"Flow how you take know say Gadafi na musician?" Tupac asked me. "you think say na today i don dey hear Tupac song?" I answered.

True talk i had been listening to Tupac's song since i was 7. How? you would ask.

There was this bachelor soldier that stayed in the building behind ours back then in the barracks. He was a die hard Tupac fan.

He ate with Tupac as his spoon, bath with Tupac as his soap, lie with Tupac as his bed, he practically worshiped Tupac. Infact he was going insane because of Tupac, as i sometimes heard him shouting "Tupac", "Idi", "Bigie", "Snoop", "Gadafi", etcetera in the middle of the night.

If you were a kid that heard about 20tracks of a particular musician a day, wouldn't you love the musician automatically? So was my case. I loved Tupac until i was 12 when i started hating anything music(thats a story for another day), albeit the Love for music came back when i was 22 up until this moment.


"guy send the music enter my phone, after i go hear am" Tupac offered Man his phone.

What he never knew was that it was a Tupac song titled; B..itches over B..itches Featuring Gadafi, Kate, and Mama Ejima.

"guy we need to go beg Kate oh" Man said to me as he was sending the Video to Tupac phone. "infact make we dey go now now" he added.

"no, make una no go beg, make una wait reach 1 O'clock wey them those buccaneer boys go come back" Brainbox said.

"na by 1 O'clock them say them go come back?" I curiously asked.

"dey there make p*ant dey wear you" Brainbox said.

"na you p*ant go wear" I replied.

"i no want wahala oh, if i clear this grass finish, i dey enter Ilya du Neked wire go drink pammy, i no want Buccaneers wahala" Snoop said.

"make una no worry them no go do us anything, na Flow and Man them dey find" Tega who just came said. "Flow that Kate property wey una hold make una go give am oh" he warned. It seemed his fratanal brothers had informed him about the video.

"nahim we wan go return now" I replied.

The time according to my phone was; 11:45am. That meant we had 1hour 15minutes to our waterloo.

As a cultist i was, i knew cultist never followed the famous "African time". That they keep to time is an understatement, they always come before time to take their victims unaware.

"make we dey go beg Kate na" I told Man.

Not knowing Kate wasn't around.

adavetee: Yu just made my afternoon. I kept laughing until my boo asked me what's funny. This story blends with the Olamide's "Durosoke" track I'm listening to & gives it a democratic humour. Lolz. Welldone Flow!

adavetee Don't worry more to come. I promise.

I heard Haruna's C.ocks crowed in succession.

"why i go dey fear ordinary buccaneer boys, i be Aro bagger na" I consoled myself.

Consolation was what i needed at that moment as i heard my heart climbing the ladder of my throat.

I saw Man hiding behind the standing fan. Could a standing fan give him the desired refuge? I asked myself.

Kettle calling pot black, i wasn't any better as i hid behind the Generator.

You wouldn't blame us, would you? In such situation anything could serve as a refuge, even a shoe.


I expected the footsteps to stop abruptly in front of the shop, but i still heard it moved further.

I heard someone walking round the Barber's shop whistling.

I concluded the Buccaneers wanted to set the Barber's shop ablaze when i heard; "bring the galon of Kerosene, and bring matches sef".

My heartbeat stopped instantly and i cried bitterly knowing my Life Clock would also soon stop.

One thing was sure, the Buccaneers had a history of setting people ablaze.

I could remember when i was in school when Buccaneers declared war against the confraternity. So many members that were caught were set ablaze.



Suddenly i saw Man whispering something to the ring in his right thumb.

"Man you get sense abi? You wan disappear make only me die for the fire abi?" I thought.

At that moment, a song came to my mind, the song was; "Death around the corner" by Tupac Amaru Shakur. I was gradually becoming a Tupac Shakur fan, all thanks to Tupac.


As Man continued whispering incantations to the ring, i thought the best thing to do was to grab him firmly so we would vanish together.

I quickly grabbed him from behind, and he said, "Flow why you dey hold me na".

"you get sense, you wan disappear make only me die for fire abi?" I cried.

"two people no go fit disappear, na only one person" Man said.

"so you want make only me die abi? Guy na me and you go die here oh, i no go gree oh" I said, holding him so tight that he couldn't breathe properly.


Suddenly i heard, "Nkiru stay for shop, make i go burn the dirty", i instantly recognised that that was Haruna's voice.

"i don see our pekin shirt and shoe wey we dey find" that was Nkiru's voice.

It instantly dawned on me that the shirt and shoe was what they were initially looking for that Nkiru said she was sure it was inside the shop. And the Kerosene was to burn dirts and not to set the Barber's shop ablaze.

So they were not Buccaneers.

I found my lost breath, and my lost heart also.

But it seemed Man was deaf, as he continued his incantations.

Or is it that a person saying incantations is surely deaf? I asked myself, as Man added dancing to his incantations. A Hausa dance i think.

I thought the best thing to do was to bring him back to the Physical realm somehow. So i tapped him on his head.

It worked, he was brought back to the Physical realm.

"Flow you wan turn to rat?" was the first question he asked me.

"no" i answered.

"if you no wan turn to rat, make you no ever slap person wey dey talk to him Talley for him head" Man warned.

If you grew up in the ghettos of Nigeria, you should know that "Talley" is a charm given to someone for protection and to fight. It is mostly in form of a ring.

The first day i saw that a Talley could work wonders was when i was in my early teenage in the barracks.

Two adults were fighting one evening, i saw one of them spoke something to a ring he wore, after he had spoke the words, he let out a punch to the nose of his opponent. The next thing i saw, his opponent started uprooting grasses and eating them.

The crowd that were watching the fight stampeded trampling on each other. My right ankle was dislocated that evening.

I was told the guy that was eating grasses was left to his fate until about 5minutes when his eyes were clear and he ran for his dear life.

"i say make i tell you say no be those Buccaneer, na Haruna and him wife, nahim make i slap you for head" I said to Man.

"I know na, i just dey tell my Talley say i no wan disappear again, nahim make me dey dance" Man said.

"ok, make we comot for here na" I beckoned.

"you know say Oyibo people dey say Ladies First, so you go dey for front, i go follow you for back" Man said trash.

"who be Lady?" I asked. "na you na" Man answered. "na your Papa be Lady" I cursed.

"you better enter front, no be you hold Talley?" I said.

We practically crawled out of the Barber's shop, and the first face we saw was Nkiru's u.gly face. A bad omen that meant we would have an u.gly day.

As we entered the compound, we saw so many guys, each with a cutlass, not to cut off our heads, but to clear the grasses in the compound.

And they were not Buccaneer members but our beloved friends.

The ringing of my phone woke me, i recieved the call. It was Pkc asking me where we were, since i dreamt i was sailing in a Ship that was as big as the famous Titanic Ship, and the container we slept in looked like the Ship, i almost told Pkc we were sailing in Titanic Ship.


I could feel the pains of the bruise on my forehead as i stood up. With Man still irresponsibly lying like a log of Iloko tree on the floor. His mouth was still wide open and i saw a Sugar Ant almost crawled into it.


"mumu you no go wake up, Ant go just waka enter your mouth" I tapped him.


I had totally forgotten there was a big mirror in the Barber's shop, as i turned, the Mirror Image of myself almost made be shouted, "Blood of Jesus".


The u'gly Image of myself reminded me of "the Beast" in the movie "Beauty and the Beast".


Legend has it that it is normal for one to be u'gly early in the morning.

So the most beautiful girl in the world would definately be a shadow of herself when she wakes up in the morning. Or so i tot.

"fine boy like me nahim this mirror make me worwor like pig, this mirror dey lie, na fake mirror, i go tell Baba jay make him go change am" I told myself.

I was wondering if "Hang over" was the twin brother to "U.gliness", because i could feel i had hang over.

I was still baffled at my u'gliness when i heard footsteps walking towards the shop, i heard someone asked, "na inside the shop them dey?".

"yes na inside the shop i put them" the other voice replied, which was a female voice.

"who put us inside this shop na? na we waka with our leg enter the shop na" i told myself as i looked for where i would hide.


Since the voices weren't the voices of my guys, i concluded they were the Buccaneers coming to get us.


And maybe offer us as a sacrifice to their gods. Or so i tot.

agent M: hurray today is my birthday.flow as per say today nah my birthday nd today come b democracy day join u suppose give me like 5 updates say make I use crack my ribs 4 my birthday.keep on flowing out ur updates FLOW am always ready to receive ur flowing updates or so I thought.yipi am now an adult which means I can mistakenly flow to romance section and read chief ma..................Av be hearing about or so am thinking.

welcome to adulthood. I promise you two more updates as a birthday gift.

"Who be Flow, na you be Flow" A voice that sounded like the roaring of a Lion yelled.

"no, no be him be Flow" I heard Kate said.

"guy Kate Brother nahim be the point 1 of Buccaneers" Man whispered as we stayed tranquil in the Barber's shop.

"na you be Man abi?" The voice yelled. "ehen na the guy voice be that, na Kate brother wey Kate call wey beat Papa Ejima that time wey una never come stay with us" Man said.

"wetin Papa Ejima do Kate na?" I asked. "Him slap Kate, because Kate beat him Children" Man answered.

"we no go leave this place until we see Man and Flow, two of them dey threaten my sister abi?" I heard the same voice said.

"how we go threaten your sister, we dey Mad?" I almost said.

Buccaneer fratanity!! Why i so much disliked the cult was because unlike Baggers, they were mainly spoilt brats, guys that could hardly hurt a fly. But they had access to guns than any other cult, maybe it was because they were connected to the Creme de la Creme of the society.

The first "Chicken lap" i held was given to me by a buccaneer friend of mine back in school.

If you are a glutton, you would be salivating at the mention of "Chicken lap". It is not food, but Pistol.

I had seen stainless Chicken laps only on TV, but that day i held it live. That day i felt like shooting anything, be it a Dog or a Goat, but never a human being. because i so much believed in the adage; "He that lives by the gun will surely go by the gun".

Don't get it twisted, why you see so many "acidental discharge" that kills people, is because many of the people that fires these acidental discharges are people their parents never bought toy guns for when they were kids, people like me.

Talking of toys, the only toy my Dad bought me when i was a kid was an Ape. The toy was so u'gly and old that i wondered if it was a Legacy passed from his Dad to him, and he passed it on to me. Woe betide me to pass it to my kids, i thank God the never say die toy had been long lost.

"Alora!!" was what several voices were saying. Alora!! It sounded like Aloe Vera.

The barber's shop was hot, very hot. So hot that my sweat could full a bucket.

It wasn't just hot, it was dark.

I glanced at my phone and saw that it was 10pm. Sleep was around the corner.

"guy wetin we go do na, them no gree go oh" I said. "make we wait small, them go go" Man assured.

Why i so much liked Man was because he always remained hopeful is all situations, if he tells you the Queen of England would celebrate her birthday in Nekede, believe him.

What if these Buccaneer boys discovered we were in this barber's shop and brought us out? I asked myself. The answer to that is Optional; Option A would be for them to use our flesh for Suya, Option B is for them to Crucify us just like the two thieves that were Crucified by the side of Jesus.

"Man wetin we go do with the video na? Make we delete am abi?" I said to Man.

Not knowing i was talking to the air.

"guy e better make we delete the Video, and make Mama Ejima see say we don delete am, if not, this Buccaneer boys go use us do Kulikuli oh" I said to Man.

Not knowing i was still talking to the air.

When i knew i was actually talking the air was when i heard Man snoring.

"guy you don sleep?" I asked a rheotorical question.

As i put on the screen light of my phone, i saw Man sleeping on the floor with his mouth wide open and saliva dripping out.

"see this mumu don sleep, shey na for here you go sleep" I said.

You see, that was another evident to show that drinking speaks Irresponsibility.

My irresponsible friend Man was asleep, and i was feeling sleepy too.

But the Buccaneers were still much around.

I decided i must sleep, be it as it may. But before i would sleep, i would say a prayer that would protect me from the Buccaneers.

I recited the Lord's prayer four times, and still made mistakes while reciting it for the fifth time.

Then i prayed; "Angel East, Angel West, Angel North and South, do your best to watch and guard me while i rest" "Amen" I answered.

My eyes saw two mattresses on the floor, Man was lying on one, while the other one awaited me to lie on it.

"who buy two foam put for this shop" I asked myself.

As i landed on the mattress reserved for me, it turned cemented floor miraculously.


"Ahhhhhh!! My head oh my leg oh" I cried, as i fell to the cemented floor like an elephant.

I thanked my stars the Baccaneers never heard me cry.

[quote author=Meme Inc.]This is the best piece of comedy i've read in months.
i started 5pm yesterday afternoon and i finished 4am this mornin'..
my eyes are sore,my ribs are cracked..only if i knew which one to treat first..you are one of d finest in our generation..#word[/quote]You are welcome on board.

That evening "Big boys cutz" was commissioned, all thanks to the zealous Baba jay who ran helter-skelter to put things in place.

A heavy Revival was held during the commissioning of the Barber's shop, all thanks to Pastor Kc and Pastor MOG.

"make una come make we go drink beer to celebrate the Barbing salon wey we open" Man suggested.

"you mean am?" said Bigie. "him mean am na, me and him wan shayo all of una" I said.

Shayo is Yoruba and it means to drink to stupor. The kind of drinking that your five senses would stop working.

"where are you going to dressed like this?" Pkc asked me as i came to change clothes.

"Pkc, i have been called to bar" I answered.

"you never told me you studied Law?" Pkc said.

"Pkc na drinking bar i dey talk, i wan go celebrate the Barbing salon wey we open" I said.

"i thought you are now a Barrister" Pkc said. "yes na, he is a Barrister of drinking bar" MOG teased, and Tega who was operating his laptop laughed.

Of a truth, i looked like a Barrister, as my old face cap looked more like the wig worn by judges in the court of Law.

"drinking responsibly oh" Pkc warned. "yes i will" I answered as i walked out of the room.

Far be it from me to jest about the advert of most beer manufacturers but, is there anything responsible about Drinking? As the last line of their advert would say "Drink Responsibly". Drinking beer to me is the most irresponsible thing to do. As far as am concern, a bottle will lead to two bottles, two bottles to three, three to four, and after four you would still be tempted to take one for the road, as far as the money is available, and as far as the beer is the Legendary "my friend Udeme".


We were soon off to the nearest drinking bar, all of us save Tega, and of course Pkc and MOG.

Seated at a bar along the roadside, I ordered, i guess as the Barrister i was.

"Snoop make you and Baba jay try for this Barbing salon, so we go gain oh" Brainbox advised.

"we go try" Snoop assured.

"na tomorrow morning we go start to dey barb, and we go first barb all of una hair" Baba jay informed.

That night Udeme tasted like Honey, so i drank with all dexterity.

If i was a Barrister, then Man was a Senior Advocate of Nigeria(SAN) because he was a bottle ahead of me.

If Man was a SAN, then Snoop was a Chief Justice of a Federal High Court because he was a bottle ahead of him.

If Snoop was a Chief Justice, then Baba jay was a Chief Justice of the Federation because he was a bottle ahead of him.

Brainbox, Tupac and Bigie were all Barristers like me, we were all on our third bottles.

So was the hierarchy.

I think i went to pee at a nearby bush Twelve times that night, or even more.

The Barristers ended up drinking Four bottles each, and one for the road. So you should do the Maths to know how many bottles a SAN, a Chief Justice, and a Chief Justice of the Federation drank.

We staggered home, not as irresponsible Men, but as irresponsible F'ouls. With the Chief Justice of the Federation as the Biggest F'oul. Infact, it would be better calling him Chief Justice of F'ouls.

As we got close to our gate, my phone vibrated, it was a message from Tega.

I could barely read the words, as my eyes saw them upside down. "Man, help me read this message abeg" I gave Man the phone.


"Tega say make me and you no come house say the point 1 of Buccaneers for PolyNekede dey find us, say yawa don gas for me and you" Man told me. I was about laughing, but when i saw the seriousness in Man's face, i asked, "you serious?".

"i serious na, make we call Tega" Man said.

Man called Tega albeit severally to confirm that the Point 1 and his boys were in the compound.

point 1 is a slang referring to the head of a cult.

"Mama Ejima and Kate nahim call them for us, we go smell pepper today" I said to myself.

"but wetin una do na?" Brainbox asked. "forget wetin we do, na wetin we go do now you suppose to dey ask" I panicked.

"and Ade no dey, una for go sleep for him house, where una go sleep now?" Baba jay said.

"okay, Baba jay shebi you hold the key of the barbing salon" Man asked. "yes, i hold am, e dey for my pocket" Baba jay answered.

"give me, na for inside the salon me and Flow go stay until dem go, and if dem no gree go, we go sleep there" Man said.

"God forbid! How i go sleep for inside container" I almost said.

"if them ask una where Flow and Man dey, make una tell them say we don travel" I whispered.

Baba jay gave Man the key, and I and Man tiptoed towards the Barber's shop.

Tega had saved us a big deal. Albeit he was a top Buccaneer member, he loved us more than his fratanal Brothers. Or so i tot.

valboy20: itx your turn now, make sure you use it well bcox it will soon be mama ejima's turn

She and Kate almost chased I and Man out of Nekede.

Next morning, at the backyard.

"make una take, na the complete money be this" Mama Ejima handed over what i initially thought was Paper to Man.

"make una delete the video oh, na now i want make una delete am sef" Mama Ejima stated.

"but before we go delete am, i wan tell you one thing oh" I said. "wetin be that?" She asked.

"this thing wey you dey do no good oh, stop am, you get husband for house, if your husband thing no big, you for talk, Man own big well well" I said pointing at Man's dickson.

"e no concern you" She attacked.

"Flow you dey mad oh, my thing and your thing which one big pass?" Man said.

"my p.rick na under 17, your own dey play World Cup" I teased.


"i dey tell you this thing because i like you oh" I said to Mama Ejima.

"Like" wasn't the right word, "Love" was. I was madly in Love with her. If it was posible for a woman to marry two husbands, i wouldn't mind being her second husband.

But my problem with her was that she found no handsome hunk amongst us to have f.lings with but a woman like herself.

That reminded me of a female soldier in the barracks that was caught sleeping with a soldier's wife. The female soldier was dismissed from the Army within 24hours. She was Bianca by name. Bianca was added in the barracks dictionary, it became a slang to refer to L.esbians.

Since i was just 10 then, i never knew any word like L.esbian existed, the word i knew was Bianca. The slang "Bianca" so stuck that i couldn't believe it when i heard it was a female name.

The name Bianca Eze, i will never forget.

"go and call me Bianca Eze, she is your classmate" Our Maths teacher said to me in his office when i was in JSS1. And i started laughing, laughing like i had inhaled excess laughing gas. To cut the long story short, i recieved 6strokes of cane from the dreaded Maths teacher for laughing at him.

After recieving the 6strokes of cane, he still ordered that i go fetch Bianca Eze. The funniest part of the whole thing is that; although the strokes of cane almost gave me hunchback, i couldn't hold myself from laughing as i told the class captain that the Maths teacher wanted Bianca Eze in his office.

Even till now as i write, although i now know better, i still find the name "Bianca" funny. No pun intended, if i meet a Lady now and she tells me her name is Bianca, i will first let out a Big Fat laugh, and if she ask why i laughed, the first question i will ask her will be; "Are you a L.esbian?"

Thank God i haven't met a Lady by that name yet, because she might not find what i will say to her funny at all.


"i dey wait you na, delete the video make i see" Mama Ejima said.

"Man before you go delete the video, first look whether na complete money she give you, confirm whether the money na fake" I said.

While Man counted the money, i moved my hands to c.aress Mama Ejima's Ikebe.

"remove your hand, you no know say i be married woman?" She struck my hand, almost dislocating my wrist.

"you dey craze, you no know say you be married woman before you go dey sleep with woman like you abi?" I cursed. "Ssssss!! you dey shout, my husband dey around" Mama Ejima cautioned.


"guy the money no complete oh, e remain 1k" Man announced.

"woman you dey joke with us abi, where the remaining 1k?" I queried.

"abeg make una take am like that, na borrow i borrow the money abeg, i no get any money again" Mama Ejima pleaded.

"nahim i wan touch your nyash you dey comot my hand abi?" I said.

"no vex, come touch am, abeg touch am na" She pleaded.

"I no dey touch again, Man make we dey go jor" I said walking away.

"abeg na, make una no vex, abeg una be my broses" Mama Ejima panicked.

Pls don't look for the word "Broses" in the the English dictionary. If you have a Pidgin dictionary, look for it there. If "Bros" is singular, since we were two, she had to call us "Broses". You understand?


"una no go delete the Video again?" She cried.

"when your money complete we go delete am" Man answered as we left.

We were feeling on top of the world. What we never knew was that we would soon go through hell.

4kizo: Hahahahahahahaha, flow my twin bro tinks am going while laughing alone

4kizo walk and never stumble. Dasis.

BTW ur twin brother na karid entity like you?

If he is, then i am imagining two of you on kegite regalia. It would really be a sight to behold.

There was this identical twin friends of mine that were Kegite back then, One of them later became the Chiefo of an Ilya. Sometimes the other one would dress to meetings to address Kariabilities as the Chiefo. And kariabilities would hardly recognise him, because they were so Identical.

Are you guys Identical?

TVT KOKO: Flow...‎ص رخكأ عخق دقيف ذأأن صف قن

Is that the Arabic interpretation of Nsogbu?

"make we give the salon Masflobtebap cutz, all of us name dey there" Man suggested a name that sound like latin.

"no, make we give am Brain cutz" Brainbox suggested. "which kin name be that one? Na Brain we go dey cut abi na hair" I attacked.

"why don't we name it Divine favour cutz" Pkc suggested.

"Pkc that one na church name na, no be church we wan open na" Man said.

Left to our selfish suggestions, we would had written a Dictionary that night. Because Baba jay for instance would want the name of the Barber's shop to be "Baba the Baba", while Snoop certainly would want it to be named "Snoop Dogg".

We all sat trying to figure out the best name for our Barber's shop. In my mind i was thinking of "Flow cutz" as a picture perfect name for the Barber's shop, i never mentioned it out, because it was centered on the name Flow.


Snoop who had been quiet althrough came up with the most peferred name when he said, "since na all of us join money start the business, and all of us na big boys, make we call am Big Boys cutz".

The name sounded perfect to me, and i was sure it also sounded perfect to everyone save Pkc. What i wanted hearing from Pkc was "Divine Big Boys cutz". Yes, we needed Divine prosperity in the business, but we must not add "Divine" to the name for this to come to past.

"ehnnnnn! Thats a nice name" Pkc said what stunned me.

"Pkc you like the name?" I needed to confirm.

"yeah! Its a nice name" He nodded.

"who go dey barb hair for the barbing salon sef?" Man asked.

"na me na!" Baba jay and Snoop said at the same time.

"the two of you can barb well?" Pkc asked.

"i be expert barber, na for barbing salon my Mama born me na" Baba jay said.

Born in the Barber's shop indeed! And born with epilepsy.

At that moment, i was imagining Baba jay cutting someone's hair and epilepsy attack struck. There would be two things involved; either customers would stop coming to our Barber's shop because they would think the owners are demonic, or customers would from that day refuse Baba jay from cutting their hair, i think the latter would be milder.

"what of you Snoop, can you cut hair well?" Pkc asked.

"na for barbing salon i do my six months IT that time wey i dey school na" Snoop answered.

Very funny!! Snoop had previously told us he did his six months Student Industrial Work Experience Scheme(SIWES) in his Cousin's Barber's shop at Onitsha.

Talking of funny places one could be attached to for IT, back then in the barracks, our neighbour Brother Wale did his IT not in Zenith bank or Guinness Nigeria but in his mother's Akara joint.

Brother Wale fried Akara for his mum with so much gusto. He was so humble, and that made him our role model when we were younger. Young boys wanted to be like Brother Wale when they grow up, that was why we added the title "Brother" to his name.

Another reason why we added the title "Brother" to his name was because record had it that he was the first guy in the neighbourhood to be admitted into the University. And he was very brilliant.

If you grew up in the Barracks you will agree with me that everyone is called by his/her name, without respect. Even those that are 15years younger than you will call you by your name, without adding the title "Brother".

But Brother Wale was an exception because unlike guys of his age that were mostly J.unkies, he was a household name, as parents always used him as an example in advising their s'tubborn children. My mum would never fail to say; "na your mate be Brother Wale oh", when Brother Wale was 15years older.

Brother Wale works and lives in South Africa as we speak, sorry, as i write.


And don't ever think Snoop wrote how he cut hair in his Cousin's Barber's shop in his Log book, he wasn't that d.umb.

Brother Wale too wasn't that d'umb to had written details of how he fried Akara in his Log book.

My bad!! A Log book is a book given to students going on IT to record the daily activities at their place of attachment.


"okay, the both of you will be cutting hair at the barbing salon" Pkc declared.

When two enemies were chosen to cut in the same Barber's shop, Nsogbu would for sure be the case.





Sorry, i think say na all of una be Ibo, Nsogbu na Wahala, Wahala na Yawa, Yawa na .........................? Fill in the blank space with the interpretation of Nsogbu in your dialet.

Nduking92: flow dis one na update abi na to fufil all righteousness?if u wan update u update well with long post.since morning i don check u tire

Whatever you call it. But one thing you should know, i have a very busy schedule 7days a week, 24hours a day.

For instance see when i updated the last update. 1am when you should be asleep snoring.

I am doing my best for pity's sake.

As we got close to our gate, we noticed that Baba jay had brought the Container and it had already been painted. It was positioned on a nice spot.


"Tega you don come back from Nwanyi Asaba?" I almost asked Tega as i saw him operating his laptop on getting home.

"Tega you don come back from Asaba?" Man asked, omitting the "Nwanyi" from what i almost said.

Tega looked different that evening, he was bald. His head was like a desert. Maybe Kalahari desert.

The haircut he wore is called "Gbadagba" in Ibo and "Afarikorodo" in Yoruba.

"Tega why you barb this kin haircut na, person die for una house?" Man asked.

"person no die, leave am for me, i like am like that" Tega replied.

"abi na this haircut Nwanyi Asaba say make you barb?" I nearly said.

Talking of such haircut, i will never forget the day i was bald to school. That day i came face to face with my worst nightmare.

I never planned to go to school bald, but like they say in Pidgin; "na condition make crayfish bend".

I went to cut my hair in the barber's shop one evening, when i got there, the crowd was too much, so i went back home. At home, i slept off, and woke up by 10pm.

I hurriedly went back to the barber's shop and discovered the place was locked, they had closed for the day.

I had to cut my hair by all means, so i opted for the lost cause of searching for a barber's shop that was open. I found none, they had all closed for the day.

Why i had to cut my hair by all means was because a Soldier(i went to a military school) had warned me not to come to school the following day with my bushy hair. To make matters worse, we were writing our exams, and there was no way i could miss going to school.

Corporal Ibrahim was dreaded by all, no student could survive just five strokes of his cane. And he was always on duty at the gate. Always.

I thought of what to do for my hair not to remain the same. Then i concluded i would use the combination of Scissors, Razor blade and Comb.

Scissors was first used to reduce the hair to an extent, then Razor blade and Comb took over.

We would had stopped at using Scissors alone, but it would had been a "rat chop" haircut. And a "rat chop" haircut was too bad for a handsome SS2 boy like me, so we went further using Razor blade and Comb to do the dirty job of "Afarikorodo".

The Razor was new, so it was sharp and it cut some part of my head, making me bleed seriously. Maybe it was because the person that cut the hair wasn't skilled at using Razor blade and Comb.

That person was Cosmos my friend. Albeit he made use of a lantern to see properly, he was so blind that he was practically bisecting my head. I was injured in so many parts of my big head.

I never took my bath that night, i just poured water on my head, rubbed off the water with a wrapper and went to bed. The next morning as i was taking my bath, that was when it dawned on me the damage Cosmos had done. I cried like a baby in the bathroom because soap resting on the injuries caused me great pain.

I got to school and my friends couldn't hold their laughter. One of them even named the haircut or rather hairdamage "High tension". His reason for naming the hairdamage "High tension" was because according to him, my head could generate electricity, he further said the lines on my head were like high tension wires.

That was how i got the nickname "High tension".


"where Pkc na?" I asked. "him dey kitchen dey cook" Snoop answered.

"Flow i don pay my money for the salon finish" Snoop said. "how you take do am na?" I inquired.

"I chop Tupac and Bigie for gamble today, i chop them plenty money" Snoop said.

"me sef don pay my own oh, i don give Baba jay" Tega informed.

"everybody don pay finish, Flow na only you remain to complete your own" Baba jay said.


I gave Baba jay some money, he nodded after counting, then he said, "i go go buy the things wey we go put inside the shop tomorrow, but the problem be say, wetin we go give the name of the barbing salon sef?".

You need to hear the funny names my guys brought as suggestions.

And you also need to hear the funny name we ended up giving the Barber's shop.

Wizee: Oga flow, make we endorse this topic for FP na? Abi u no want mke d world read this storey? So let us knw hw u wnt am!!

we don endorse am tayah, but the mods no gree put am for FP oh. But make you still endorse am sha.

After work.

I walked home like an I'mbecile. Infact, we all walked home like a combination of I'mbecility and Albinism.

I was so tired and weak.

I would go to work the next day for sure, only if Sokoto became the capital of France and New York the capital of Senegal.

"Madam Ifeoma say we no go work tomorrow wey be Friday, she say she want make them the welders weld the tank wey them go put inside the pit wey we don dig, say na welders go work Friday and Saturday" Man informed.


"make we enter Obele place go take Indomie and Egg with Custard na" Man suggested.

"for this kin hot Sun nahim we go take hot custard" Brainbox said.

"ehen, nahim good pass na, Obele go put enough milk for the Custard, so our blood wey don dry go come back" Man said.

Of a truth, my blood was dried up, all thanks to Tramadol a.k.a Tea.

"guy see your zip dey open oh, see ur p'rick dey show sef, why you no dey like to wear boxers sef" I told Man.

"my boxers dem don tear finish, i go buy new ones" Man said as he zipped up.

"why ur boxers no go tear, no be that your big p'rick dey tear am?" I almost told him.


"Obele give us Indomie and Egg with Custard, milk go plenty for the Custard oh" Man ordered.

As we sat in a round table of brotherhood, Man brought out the 50k and started counting it. He gave me my share, and gave Brainbox the rest. That meant he had reimbursed Brainbox the money he collected from him the previous day.

Obele saw Man giving Brainbox the money as he came to serve us the plates of Indomie, and he yelled, "Chineke mi eeeeee! See money eee!! My guys don hamma eeee!!" with his mouth ajar.

"Obele behave yourself oh, this money na my school fees oh" Brainbox said.

School fees indeed!! School fees for Kpokpon state University, Faculty of Madam Ifeoma, Department of pit digging.

"But incase una hamma, i wan sell my shop oh, if una go fit buy am, i wan sell everything wey dey inside the shop" Obele informed.

"why you wan sell am na?" I asked. "I wan travel go America" Obele replied smiling. His smile reminded me of the smile of "Paw paw" in the famous "Aki and Paw paw" movie.

"e get one America wey dey for this Imo state oh, dem dey call am Amalarica, shey na that one you wan travel go?" I said, and everybody in the canteen laughed.

"na una sabi, i don tell una finish, i wan travel go America" Obele said.

"where dem the egg na?" Man asked Obele.

"i dey come, i go bring them now" Obele replied.

"na six egg you go bring oh" said Man. "i know na, i know una usual na" Obele answered.

As we started eating our meal, i noticed that a Guy and a Lady sat behind me. I concluded they were on a date because i saw how the guy was whispering sweet words to the ears of the Lady who was laughing like the Fat f'oul she was. Wow! What a romantic place to go on a date, Obele's canteen, or better still Obele's eatery.

We were enjoying our delicious indomie "jejely" when i heard, "broaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" i knew a fart just came out of the Fat a''ss of the Fat f'oul that sat behind me, because that was where the sound came from.

"Flow you dey mad oh, we dey chop, you dey mess" Man accused me of what i never did.

"you dey mad sef, no be me mess, how i go disgrace myself for public" I replied.

We continued eating, oweing to the fact that the fart was a "Neat fart".

A neat fart is a fart without smell.

Obele brought the boiled eggs we ordered and decorated them on our plates.

A minute later, i heard, "broaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!" again. I initially thought my phone was Vibrating, because it was on Vibrate mode, and it was in the character of making a scary noise when vibrating.

I touched my pocket to confirm it wasn't my phone.

With so much fury, i stood up. My eyes gradually turned red courtsey of the stench of the fart.

My eyes always turns red when my anger reaches boiling point.

"e no go better for person wey mess, that person go continue to dey mess every 30seconds, that person body go dey smell mess forever and ever" I cursed.

"Amen!!" My friends chorused.

"Bros take am easy dey curse na" The fat f'oul spoke out. And i saw that her face was as deadly as her fart.

"make i take am easy? if na you mess, talk na, so i no go curse again" I said.

The stench was too much. Damn too much.

"abeg i no get appetite to chop again, Obele take your money" Man paid Obele.

As we were about leaving, Brainbox hurriedly took the six boiled eggs from our plates and said, "the mess no reach the egg na"

Ukavwe: Oga flow tramadol no dey for tablet o! na for capsule them dey package an(man gave u two capsule of tramadol).i want thank u as u put smile for our face for de past 3 month now na so papa God go put smile for ur face too.

na Mistake i make, i go correct am. Thanks anyway.