₦airaland Forum

Rap maestro: Emperor, i don hear u Flow, which kine play be dat? Ehn? Shey u no know me again? I no dey eva 'bite jam' o, na oyinbo food na and i no dey like oyinbo food jorh.. if u talk say i 'bite Eba' now, i go gree with u.. Sumfin like 'Ebite'..
Jamb sweet doh, but na my last be dat, Admission next..
>
moreova, it seems i saw d original version of brainbox at my centre, big head, big mouth.. As dem dey ask question from him.. Na ''hmm hmm'' him dey use answer, i initially tot he was deaf and dumb, not until we got to class and d guy vomited two text books.. Na wa o

I thank God for you say you say dis Jamb go be ur last.

As u me, that year, i write Jamb sotey Jamb send me back my answers script say make i mark am by myself.

"oboy how far na?" I greeted Man who i saw on my way to the Boutique. "where you dey go na?" Man asked me. "Follow me na, when we reach there you go know" I answered.

"you dey sell so?" I asked Man. "guy na only two necklace i don sell since we start this business oh" Man said with a frown. "how you go do am na? and Tupac say na next tomorrow him go go market, and him go like make we give am the money of the one wey we don sell" I said. "i go give am the money of the one wey i don sell na" Man said.


As we walked ahead, we say Brainbox, "Brainbox!! Brainbox!!" I called. Immediately the Ladies walking behind us heard me shouting Brainbox, they started Laughing. "why are u Ladies laughing?" i asked. "what kind of name is that?" One of them said. "its a Chinese name" I replied.

Truely, Brainbox really looked Chinese except for his Oblong head.


"how your market na?" I asked Brainbox as he came close. "oboy i don sell well well oh, i enter one female hostel, guy the girls for there just dey rush me, sotey some of them no even know when them begin touch my p'rick" Brainbox said.

"so as them dey touch ur p'rick, wetin you com do?" I inquired. "guy i no do anything oh, u know say na business i com for na, i no com for play" Brainbox replied. "you sure?" Man queried, "i sure na, but only say my p'rick stand small" Brainbox replied and we laughed.


As we entered the boutique, we met this hefty hunk, "Chiarman we wan buy shoe" I said. "whick kin shoe be that?" He asked. "choose any one you like here" he gestured.

I saw a fine shoe that was written "Kedu" "made in Italy". The kedu sounded like an Italian name, so i asked for the price and paid.


After i had paid, it instantly dawned on me that there was a place called Aba. Spiritually, i saw "made in Italy" changed to "made in Aba".

Spiritually also, i interpreted "Kedu" as "How are you" in Ibo Language.

I had played the sucker. The shoe was made in the Federal Republic of Aba. It was even given an Ibo name. KEDU.


"e be like say me sef go buy shoe oh, i no get shoe, since that day wey those MOPO come pack all our shoe, na Tupac shoe i just dey wear since" Brainbox said.

He too picked a fine shoe.

When i saw the name of the Shoe he picked, i realized my case was far better than his.

The name of the shoe he picked was Abania and it was made in Abania.

As we waited for change after paying, I saw from the corner of my eyes that Brainbox was admiring the beautiful wrist watches on display.


I heard Man cajoling the Boutique owner to help him market his jewelleries.

Before i could say Jack Robinson, the Boutique owner agreed to help him market the Jewelleries.


From the corner of my eyes, i saw something went into Brainbox's mouth.


Suddenly, "hmmmmmmm, moke weeeeh deeeey go" Brainbox tapped me and said what i could hardly hear.

I used my Brain to figure that Brainbox wanted us to go home, so i rushed to collect our change.

As Brainbox continued gesturing for us to leave, i was pondering why he was so much in a haste to leave. Not until i saw how his cheeks bulged.

That was when i realized a wrist watch was in his mouth.

Emperortj93: @rap maestro.. Jamb don finish o, beta go continue ur story

@floweybaba..

U over too much jor, i don mis ur story due 2 my exam bt nw am back and back for good

so rap maestro na Jambite?

Small pekins full nairaland oh. Or so i tot.

Rap maestro na play i dey play oh.

SexyDuby: Flow, na wa 4 u o. Which day u begin practise homo? Women dey here u no talk say u luv us, na cashkhiid u dey put eye for....I don vex finally

my darling i no be Homo oh. Na Cashkiid wan r.ape me oh.

Rap maestro: oya add ma name join

I don't want to say it now, and my oga the top will say another thing. LOL

Cashkhiid: Flow! U've got me laughing hard!

Cashkhiid you too much. I love that placard.

I love you.

No homo oh!

As I walked the street one afternoon, an Idea dropped, "Flow why you no go give Florence make she help you market some of this necklace" that was the Idea.


As i walked towards Florence's Boutique, i was rehearsing in my mind how my conversation with her would be like.

Flow: "hello"
Florence: "who are you?"
Flow: "don't you remember me? I am Flowey".(abi i resemble Micheal Jackson wey go do Plastic surgery?)
Florence: "i don't know anybody by that name".
Flow: "u don't remember me? I am the guy you saw stealing, sorry, buying Akara the other day. I came here to buy boxers with my friend, remember?"
Florence: "Pls leave my boutique, i don't know you".

That could never happen, how would she deny ever knowing me?


"good afternoon, Florence" I greeted as i entered her boutique, "yes, how may i be of help to you?" Florence said. "don't you remember me? I am Flowey" I said what i had earlier rehearsed. "yes i remember you, the guy i saw buying Akara at the Akara joint few weeks ago" She said.

I thought she said, "yes i remember you, the guy i saw stealing Akara at the Akara joint few weeks ago", so i said, "i wasn't stealing Akara oh, i was buying Akara". "who said you stole Akara?" She said laughing. I laughed also and said, "i said that to make you laugh, that was on a lighter note".

I had struck the Jugular. I had lighten up the atmosphere.

"so what are you here for?" She asked. "am here to introduce a lucrative business to you" I said, "you see, i am the marketing manager of a Jewellery marketing company here in Owerri, i came to show you some of our products for sale" I explained showing her the Jewelleries.

She was taking a look at the beautiful Jewelleries, and forgot she had opened her expressway. Her legs were wide open revealing her blue p'anties.

"so what is the name of your company?" She asked. I wasn't paying attention to what she said, i was paying attention to her expressway. My d'ick stood wanting to zoom into her expressway.

"oboy see kpata oh" I said to myself.

"i said, what is the name of ur company?" She asked again. "Kpata" I responded without thinking straight. "the name of ur company is Kpata?" She inquired. "no, Kpatalico, Kpatalico is the name of my company" I said.

Kpata is Yoruba language means p'anties. What a name for a company? Kpatalico!!!

Kpatanla would had been better, because it means Mighty p'anties in Yoruba language.


"i want you to help me market some of these products in your boutique" I went straight to the point. "it depends on how much my percentage would be?" She said. "see ur mouth like percentage" I almost said.


We agreed at a percentage for her, and also a percentage for myself. As a "sharp" guy, i inflated the cost price of each brand of Jewellery, telling her that that was the company price.

I finally gave her about half of the Jewelleries i brought saying, "lemme go back to Kpatalico to get more Jewelleries". "ok, its nice doing business with you" She said as she shook hands with me. As she shook my hand, i saw that her eyes went straight to my blood sucking shoes. Vampire shoes.


I left her boutique happily. I also concluded to head straight to a Male boutique to get myself a pair of shoes.

Because appearance matters, especially since i had automatically turned Marketing Manager of Two companies. Tupaco and Kpatalico.

"make we enter this hostel" Man suggested as we hit the street the next day.

We entered the gigantic hostel with my liver turned Lily. "i dey fear oh, wetin i go talk, e be like say na Female hostel be this oh" I said to myself as i knocked at the door of a room. With the number of flip flops i saw outside, i concluded the number of Ladies i would meet inside would be much.

I took a sip of the Chelsea dry gin Man adviced me to buy in other to give me the confidence to speak boldly. I wasn't the only one that bought the Chelsea, we all bought a small bottle of Chelsea each.

The Chelsea dry gin ran so fast to seat on my left ventricle, making my heart beat faster.

"come in, the door is open" someone said from inside. I saw from the corner of my eyes that Brainbox took a sip of his own Chelsea dry gin before knocking at the door by my left.


I entered to meet not four or five ladies, but seven ladies. "ehenn! what do you want?" One of them queried.

"are you deaf, what do you want?" Another Lady yelled. I totally forgot what i came for.

"tell them wetin you come for na" the Chelsea i drank told me.

"i came to tell you Ladies that you are all beautiful" I said.

I had hit the Jugular. Because ladies so love a guy telling them they a beautiful, especially when they are more than one, and especially when the guy is as handsome as yours truely Flow. I read that in a book.

"thank you!! Thats so kind of you!! You are handsome too!! Thank you!!" Was what i heard from them that my head was swollen.

"we have heard you, we know we are beautiful, so what is ur mission?" A fair lady said, "ehnnn! My mission was formerly Catholic, but now my mission is Dominion City church" I said and they raised the roof with Laughter.

Since i had entered their Box 18, what was left was for me to strike the ball to the net.

"i am the Marketing Manager of Tupaco Jewellery marketing company, we have so many branches all over Nigeria, but i am in charge of our branch in Owerri" I introduced myself.

As i introduced myself that way, those of them that were keenly watching Home movie on the Tv suddenly turned to listen to what the Marketing Manager of Tupaco company had to offer. I really looked like a Marketing Manager the way i was dressed, except for my unpolished old shoes. One of the ladies stared keenly at my shoes as if it was the Home movie she was watching.

Home movie!! What else could keep seven Ladies in a room if not Home movie.

"Ladies, i have goodies you would love" I said bringing out the Jewelleries.


"i like this one!! I love this bangle!! How much is this Necklace? How much is this earring?" Were the noise that followed.

"Flow u don hamma!!" The Chelsea i drank told me.

"but guy shine your eye make dem no thief ur necklace oh" Chelsea warned me.

My eyes shone more than the Sun.


I Inflated the price to three times the cost price in other to put more money in my pocket.

Women and their materialistic nature. Even though i inflated the price, i still made sales bigtime. Or was it because i told them i was a Marketing Manager?

After much bargaining, i sold Five necklace, Four earrings and Three bangles.


The hotness of my Okro soup was reducing gradually, i could tell.

vision2050: I keep following you, dont lead me astray .

how would I?

Btw na ur pekin u use as ur profile pic?

Next day.

"guys, na dem the necklace be this, i don divide am into three, na the same amount of necklace dey for the three of them, i count them, so i know the amount wey all of una carry" Tupac was showing us the assorted Jewelleries he wanted us to market.

"make i tell una the price wey i buy am, one GL necklace na 500naira, one CC necklace na 300naira, one bangle na 200naira, and one earring na 100naira, but una fit sell them any amount wey una like, even if una like una fit sell GL wey i buy 500naira for 1million naira, that na una toror" Tupac narrated.

Toror is a Pidgin English slang meaning Concern.

"dis business go make sense pass Kponkpon oh" said Brainbox.

"yes na, but na if you get the mouth to market well oh" Tupac said, "i get the mouth na, na me be Flow, my mouth dey flow like Ogbono soup" I teased and they all laughed.

Jokes apart, i had a sugar coated mouth. Infact, i could even sell Snow to an Eskimo.


I arranged my wares in my bag, so did my friends, and we hit the street. "Man, where we go sell this necklace sef?" I asked Man, "when we reach there you go know" He answered and Brainbox laughed.


The first place we entered was a provision store. "yes! Can i help you?" An Anya 4:30 lady said.

Anya 4:30 is an Ibo slang said to reffer to people with impaired vision. The kind of Albino vision. The kind of vision whereby you would be looking at Mr A but talking to Mr B.

"i said can i help you?" She repeated. I thought she was talking to the standing fan, as she actually focused her eyes on the standing fan. Since it was just us that stood in front of her and it wasn't possible she was talking to the standing fan, except she was mad, i concluded she was talking to us, so i answered, "we are from a Jewellery marketing company, we are here to market some of our products to you".

I would have replaced "we" with "I", because i turned to see that Man and Brainbox were separately cajoling two customers that came to buy something at the provision store. They left me alone with love from OYO.

Why wouldn't they leave me to fend for myself? Afterall, we live in an OYO world.

OYO-- On Your Own.

All Man For Himself.


I handed over some of the Jewelleries to the Lady, she admired them for a while, and asked, "what is the name of your company?".

"Company" sounded like "Commander" to me. "which one be commander again, na Tupac nahim be our commander na" I said within.

"ehnn! Tupac" I said.

"so the name of ur company is Tupac?" She inquired, "sorry, i mean, Tupaco, Tupaco is the name of my company" I stammered.

"so where is this Tupaco company located?". That question came too fast that the only place in Nigeria that came to my mind was Ondo.

"Ondo!" I answered.

"so you are saying all these Jewelleries are from Ondo state?" She was beginning to ask too many questions. At that moment, i quickly recall that Tupac had previously told us that he bought the Jewelleries from Onitsha, so i said, "no, they are actually from Onitsha, we have a branch in Onitsha".


For 10minutes, she admired my beautiful Jewelleries and said, "i like them all, but just that i don't have money to buy any of them". "you dey mad, after u don look-look am finish, u com dey tell me say u no get money to buy am" I cursed within.


After 2hours of walking in the scorching sun, we made no sale, save just one Bangle Brainbox sold at the rate of 400naira.

We decided it was time to go home.

"guy Kponkpon business better pass this business oh" Brainbox confessed, as we walked home. "if no be say Madam Ifeoma say na till next month we go continue work for site, i for no do this r'ubbish business wey Tupac introduce us to" said Man.

"make una forget that thing abeg, today na our first day, naso first day dey be, tomorrow e go better" I asssured.

"una don forget say dem no dey use rush-rush chop Okro soup wey hot?" I said.


I was sure this "Okro soup" needed nothing but Patience. And i would sure wait until the hotness of the Okro soup reduces, before eating. Or so i tot.

"madam Ifeoma say after we work today finish, we go wait until when her pekin wey dey abroad send money before we go continue the work" Man said on our way to work the next working day.


The response i recieved for greeting Madam Ifeoma "Good Morning" was a signal indicating she wanted to see me at the usual place.

I really needed what she wanted because its been long i did it last.


As i walked towards Old Solja's room, i was wondering why she wanted s'ex that early. Well, like they say; "the early bird gets the morning warmth"


I got to the room, and what my eyes saw was too heavy to be said by my mouth.

Madam Ifeoma was using a V''ibrator on herself. That was my first time of seeing such physically. With my mouth ajar, i walked closer to see that she was really enjoying the sweet sensation the V''ibrator sent to her Medulla Oblongata.

I stood there for about 10minutes, of which it seemed she hardly noticed my presence.

As i continued staring at her, my dickson stood saying; "hello!! Can you give me some work to do here!! Can i join the action?". "shut up!! Can't you see that Oga kpatakpata is busy with Madam?" I said to my dickson and it reduced a bit in length.

Since it was my first time of seeing a Woman using a V''ibrator, i wanted to feed my eyes to the fullest.


She turned, and saw me, then she said, "come i join us". "join wetin? my p'rick no big reach that Oga wey dey there oh" I almost said.


I came to join her or rather them after i had undressed. It was really obvious that my dickson couldn't match up the huge V''ibrator she was using. It looked more like the d'ick of a horse while mine looked more like a d'ick that had caught cold.

I opened her bag to find c'ondoms, i wore one and headed straight to resume duty.

As i inserted my dickson into her swimming pool, it seemed my dickson stepped on a quicksand and was sinking. Her formerly normal size swimming pool had turned to an Olympic size swimming pool.


She wasn't enjoying it, likewise me. I couldn't give it to her how she wanted. The Ike Nwoke style.


As i finished making a f'ool of myself, i wore my clothes. To my surprise, as i was about leaving, she handed over some money to me. I initially refused accepting, not until she threatened, "you must take it oh, except you want my trouble". Troubles were what i had gotten a handful of lately, and i needed no more of it. So i collected the money i assumed to be not less than 8k. My four days kponkpon pay.


As i left Old solja's room, all i was pondering was; why she gave me the money? Had i been substituted? Was she paying me off for a job not well done? Who could my substitute be? A Striker or a Defender? because a striker that could score goals like Drogba was who she needed. Well, even though i wasn't the highest goal scorer, atleast i sustained no injury, just that she gave me Red card.


I saw Man as a potential substitute, so i was staring at him as we continued working, "Flow why you dey look me like this na?" Man asked, "I just dey look you say i go like buy beer for you after work" I said with a smile.

"Mr Flow!! Mr Flow!! U be correct man" Man and Brainbox cheered. "shebi u dey wayah Madam Ifeoma abi?" Brainbox said suddenly, "everytime wey she call you go Old solja room, na to wayah abi?" Man added. "sssssshh! Make una no shout so Ochagbuorie and Igbakwambo no go hear" I whispered to them. "them know na, u think say dem no know?" Brainbox said.

"But make i tell una true oh, she no dey give me money oh, i dey wayah her free of charge, i just wan buy una beer with my kponkpon money wey i go get today" I stated.

I wondered how they were all aware of my f'lings with Madam Ifeoma.


Well, like an adage in pidgin English goes; "leg wey dey waka Pian Pian, eye wey dey see Pian Pian dey see am"

He tried na. Just that his abbreviations were poor and his pidgin English was not too Ok.

jagabanban: I totally agree with you that "every writer has his or her own distinctive character and way of presenting himself." However, that should not be a reason to tell every critic of a writing to "Write ur own". Just as we all can be doctors or lawyers or engineers, so also, we all can be writers. Don't forget the writer is not writing for himself but for others to read, be entertained, learn a few lessons and also critic.

What I wrote, earlier, about the writing was my take on how I felt before, during and after reading it. The intention was not to hurt or demoralize the writer but to express my opinion of the work. I apologize if it's caused any heartache for the writer. I also did not expect the response he gave. His response took me aback and made me wonder if he appreciates the concept of feedback. Feedback would either be negative, positive or both. The essence is for you to take the feedback and apply it by improving on the work. For me, I was put off after reading the first few lines hence my feedback.

U guys should understand that mistakes makes a writer.

@MCBOMB no dey mix English and pidgin English like as them dey mix garri and groundnut.

kelvin1191: Lwkmd! Na dat kind people we need in NSCDC.

That kin "Madam at the top" na.

The next day was Saturday. The Saturday I and Snoop was to go train in his Dojang.


With our Dobok in our bag, we were off to Old stadium Owerri.

People jogging around added a little beautiful to the old unkept stadium. By the left was a gym, a ghetto gym.

We got to the Dojang to meet about 20students and two Sabum Nim. We Kyong ye to the two Sabum Nim and we joined the class. That was after Snoop had introduced me as his friend.

Sabum Nim is a Taekwondo Terminology that is said to reffer to the Teacher or instructor. Kyong ye means to bow. Do Bok means training uniform. Dojang means training hall.

In Taekwondo, there is no sex discrimination. Male and Female train together. But just that little children train separately.

Two heavily a''ssed Black belter ladies were training in front of me. I concentrated more on their well carved pathing frames than on the exercise i was practising.

I took a glimpse at Snoop, he looked more handsome on Do Bok. His plaited hair reminded me of his role model Snoop Dogg.


After 2hours of stretching, jogging, kicking pads, punching bags and self defence training, it was time for sparring.

For 30minutes, i sat down to watch the children spar. The children were excellent, albeit some of them gave funny kicks. I learnt alot from their mistakes nevertheless.


The adult sparring started with Snoop fighting with a Red belter. Snoop was beaten black and blue by the Red belter. There was an Axe kick the Red belter gave Snoop on the head, had it not being for the headguard he wore, the kick would surely tore Snoop's head to pieces.

I watched so many other funny fight that really entertained me. Like when one Female Blue Belter mistakenly fell on the head of a Male Yellow Belter that was about surrendering.


Soon it was my time to spar. And my opponent was one of the a''sses or rather ladies i was staring at. I stared at her tiny b''reast as she put on the b''reastplate made of foam. "i go beat this one na" I said to myself as i wore my protective fighting armour.

Even though she was a Black belter and i was a Red belter, i was sure i would still win the fight, if not for anything, just for the fact that she was Female. Or so i tot.


"Charyot!!" the instructor yelled, "kyong ye!" he said and we bowed. "Si Jak" he yelled, and fight began.

Charyot is a call to Attention. Saying "Si Jak" is like saying "Action" when shooting a Movie.

So fight began.


She gave a first attack of a round house kick to my stomach. Since the kick was hard, two points was awarded to her. I sent a punch to her chest in return. If not for the protective b''reastplate she wore, such a punch could fall off her b''reast. A point was awarded to me.


I swayed to different directions, saying in my mind, "how woman go win me?". Forgetting the saying: "what a Man can do, a woman can do better".

Suddenly, a 360degree kick came to my face, giving her three points. She sent another 360degree kick, this time i was fast enough to block with an Ulgool mahki.

Ulgool Mahki means face block.

Within a twinkle of an eye, she sent two Balumba Dohlio chagi with so much speed, one of the kicks got me at my lower abdomen, giving her two points.

Balumba Dohlia chagi means kicking a round house kick with the leg in front turning clockwise or anticlockwise.

I sent a knife kick to her throat, giving me two points.

It seemed the knife kick i sent to her throat brought out the Lioness in her as she sent several kicks that almost got me.


All of a sudden, sweat from my forehead dripped into my eyes making me go blind.


The next thing i heard was, "gbuuuuuuup!!" "gbuuuuuuuup!!" two heavy Axe kicks landed on my head making me seat down compulsorily.

She sent just two kicks to my head, but i saw an imaginary third kick to my face that sent me straight the ground.


I saw so many Stars around my head. I saw the Moon also.

In my head, a music was playing. A rap music maybe.

I surrendered.

Habybullah: Shwooo... E b lyk GTB don do product placement sha... Bt FLOW, no come port go Zenith b4 ur jist finish sha...

I no be Saka na

cl9700: Oga Flow, na 4 GTB Cherubim junction this 1 hapn?

Yeah!

kelvin1191: Should i call u Peter or still maintain d Flowey i know u with? I feel 4 Brainbox but Flow turn go worst pass cos since Kponkpon No1 & No2 man & also Brainbox don taste d bitter pill (sick) Flowa turn is @hand.

So you tot.

"guy i no well oh, my eye dey turn me, e be like say na Malaria oh" Brainbox said as we approached the bank. "but u don take drugs?" I asked, "yes na, i don take Malaria drugs, but e be like say the thing no work" said Brainbox. "e go work, no worry" I assured.


The air conditioner in the banking hall gave my skin a cool feeling, i felt like making the bank my home. A bank was sure the best place in the world to be made home, as one would sleep on money, eat money and breathe money.

We collected deposit slip to fill. And i saw from the corner of my eyes that Brainbox filled in 12,000naira as the amount he was to deposit. "dis boy get money oh, see as him wan put 12k, wen na only 7k me i wan put" I tot.


Soon we joined the long queue. Brainbox was in front of me while over 10 persons were in front of him.

40minutes later, the number of persons in front of Brainbox had reduced to Four.

"guy my body dey shake i no fit stand well" Brainbox complained. "no worry our turn go soon reach, we go dey go house" I said.

All of a sudden, the Brainbox i knew had changed, he was sweating and shaking like a jelly fish.

He was really ill, i could tell.


The next thing i heard was, "gboor ghoor gbooooor!!". Brainbox threw up.

He threw up and baptized the Lady in front of him with Okro soup.

If that was all, it wouldn't had been that bad, what came out from his mouth was an eyesore.

Eba and Okro soup. The Eba and Okro soup we ate at Soroagwa canteen earlier.

Balls of Eba and Okro soup flew to different corners of the bank. North, South, East and West.

I took gradual steps backwards going far from the u'gly scene.

Brainbox continued throwing up wanting to flood the bank with the irritating balls of Eba and Okro soup that was coming out of his system. All eyes were on him.

As I took more steps getting close to the door, someone suddenly said, "i thought he is your friend, i thought u came together, where are you going to?" It was the beautiful girl i was admiring that stood behind me in the queue, "he is not my friend oh, i just met him here in the bank" Denial Number 1.

I was sweating profusely even in a fully Air conditioned bank, "omoh! See as Brainbox go vomit Eba and Okro soup for bank oh, him don fall hand oh, if i gree say na my friend him be, people go say make i come pack the vomit" I tot.

Just when i was regretting why i denied Brainbox, someone said, "that boy is his friend, let him come and help him" it was a chubby man pointing towards me. I initially tot he was reffering to the fair guy that stood beside me, "he is talking to you, he said you are that boy's friend, that you should go and help him" I whispered to the fair guy who ignored me. "i mean you on Blue, i saw you discussing with him" the chubby man stated. This time my brain figured he was reffering to me because i wore blue, so i said, "he is not my friend oh, i just met him in the bank" Denial Number 2.

As the bank cleaners came to clean up the mess, i stared to see that Brainbox was staring at the floor. Maybe he was ashamed, or maybe not.


As the Lady Brainbox threw up on walked towards the toilet to clean herself up, she stared at me for a while, and she said, "won't you go and help your friend?". "he is not my friend, i don't even know him from Adam" Denial Number 3.

At that moment, Brainbox that was initially staring at the floor instantly looked up to me and shook his head.

That was when it dawned on me that i had denied my friend three times. Three good times!!

As the cleaners took Brainbox upstairs to clean him up or maybe bath him, i felt ashamed of myself.

I had denied a friend. But if he were to be in my sheos, he would do worse, he would even run out of the bank, i was sure of that.

30minutes later, i had paid in my money and i went outside the banking hall to wait for my beloved friend Brainbox. Atleast if i couldn't stand for him in the crowd, i could take care of him on our way home and at home, so i tot.

30minutes later, i saw him coming out of the bank putting on a different shirt, holding his soiled shirt on his right hand. He was putting on a GTB t-shirt that was crested in front "the bank that loves you".

I guessed they had shown him love, while i displayed the opposite.

I guessed they were his friend indeed, and i was a fake friend. because like they say; "A friend in need is a friend indeed".

Firstgentleman1: this got me cracking men. . Flow u are gooder. Anyways, no dey diss my team for hia oo. gunners 4 lyf

Thanks Firstgentleman. More rib cracker ahead.

Rap maestro: *RAP MAESTRO JUMP IN THROUGH THE CEILING*

why you go jump through the ceiling? Shey you be theif?

Next day at work.


"make sure you mix the cement properly, the sun is too much, lemme go and rest" said Madam Ifeoma to Ochagbuorie. And she walked towards Old solja's room.

We had gone far in the casting of the outside concrete. Some fell ill and recovered, others were to still fall ill.

"guy, if we finish work early today i go enter bank, i wan go put some of the money wey i don get from dis kponkpon work for my account" Brainbox informed. "we go go together, which bank you dey use?" I inquired, "na GTB" Brainbox replied. "i get account for GTB, we go go together after work" I said.


We worked for another 30minute, then nature called, and i had no choice but to answer, "Man which side you dey s'hit for bush sef? S'hit dey catch me" I said, "na for that place we dey near Old Solja backyard" Man replied, "hope say s'hit no plenty for ground for there oh?" I asked, "when you reach there you go know" Man responded.

Why i asked that question was because Man always went there to poo on daily basis, oweing to the fact that that was the only hidden part of the bushes around us. Sometimes Brainbox also went there to poo, Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie also. I wondered why they loved to do a poo before the start of work, or was that their goodluck charm?

As for me, that day was my first day to make use of their "Water closet". And i came to the conclusion that i would meet poo scattered everywhere. I made a decision in my mind that if i meet poo scattered everywhere, i would practise "s'hit on top s'hit" Theory.


When we were much younger in the barracks, "s'hit on top s'hit" was what we said to reffer to when one goes to the "Bolla", and found no free space to poo on, the person would simply poo on another person's dried poo.

Bolla was the name we called where refuse was dumped, and also the home of poo for the little children. Not that we had no toilet, but just that we the little children then preffered to make use of Bolla than Toilet, because Bolla was not only a place to poo but also a place to discuss. To discuss only God knows what.


S'hit on top s'hit was it because i found no free space, except i wanted passers by to view my ripe a''ss.

I tried to pretend i wasn't percieving the stench the poo around me brought, because i knew i would leave there in a matter of minutes.


Suddenly i heard, "aaaah!! uuuuuuh!! Yes!! Yes!! uuuuuuuh!!" someone was moaning. The sound came from Old solja's room. I needed nobody to tell me that Madam Ifeoma was having s'ex with Old solja.


I tiptoed towards the open window without borthering to cover my n''akedness. Infact from my waist downwards was stark n''aked.

What i saw surprised me not. Madam Ifeoma was ridding on Old Solja like a bike, making an earthquaking noise. I felt as if i was the one she was ridding on as my dickson was practically piercing through the wall i stood close to.


After about 30minutes of watching the Movie, i left.

I promised myself i wouldn't mention a word of what i saw to my friends. Only time would tell if i would keep to my promise.


Work closed early that day because Madam Ifeoma was in a hurry to go home. Maybe she needed to go home, relax and w''ank over the sweet s'ex she had with Old solja, or so i tot.


When we got home, we quickly took our bath, then I and Brainbox were off to Guarantee Trust Bank to deposit our little Kponkpon savings.

What we never knew was that Guarantee Trust Bank would guarantee that one of us would deny the other.


Just as Peter denied Jesus Christ three times before the C'ock crowed, so did Flow deny Brainbox three times before the bank closed.

collozzuz: Mr Flowey ... May U Walk And Stumble...Yeah! Stumble On Wealth And Riches...Continue To Vibrate In Keg Spiritism

Amen oh. Colluzzuz i see you ma nigga. U too much.

4kizo: Keske oshodicomprayon walk nd neva 2 jam aso rock, Ab 4kizo vibrating

walk and stumble not.

Next day after work.

"guys make we enter Ilya du Neked wire na, e don tay oh" Man suggested. "no wahala, make we go so i go see weda if i drink pammy my body go make sense, because e get as my body dey do me, e be like say i no well" Brainbox said.


We got to the joint to meet Bigie. "Baba you are so made in Jambraha" "may ur uku I uku never run of holy water" "even if holy water become the river Niger in your uku I uku, may it satisfy your okpeke, so that ur first son will never resemble ur landlord, to avoid to kowaciate super story" I vibrated as my golden falangis was shinning my karid brothers.

Lucky enough, the Chiefo of Ilya du Neked wire was present.

Chiefo is what Karid entities call their leader or head.

Karid entities are the Kegite community in a particular area. You don't expect me to define a Kegite community na!


There is what is called vibration in Swahili in Kegite. The Chiefo vibrated more in Swahili. I partially understood his vibration. Albeit immediately he started addressing his members, we that weren't members of that Ilya moved our tables a distance from them. But i could still hear what he was saying from where i sat.

From the little i understood, he was informing the entities that there would be a Libration soon. He also warned against Aka azu Libration.

Libration is a ceremony to introduce new members to the club.

Aka azu in Ibo language means Back of the hand literally. Back of the hand in the real sense means a thing that is done illegally.

So what the Chiefo actually warned against was Illegal Libration.

Why i so Loved Kegite club was because the vibration could be spicened up with our Native languages. For instance, what an Ibo Vibrater would call uku I uku, a Yoruba Vibrater would call it Ese I Ese. And what an Ibo Vibrater would call Kowaciate, that is Kowa+ciate, and Kowa means to "Talk about" in English, a Yoruba Vibrater would call it Sorociate. But no matter the geographical Vibration, the lingua franca still remains English Vibration.


As we continued drinking Holy water, Man vibrated in Hausa drawing attention to our Table.

I must confess, as Man vibrated in Hausa it sounded as if he was speaking in tongues. Brainbox stared in astonishment, because he was a non-entity in the presence of entities.

We had drank about 3litres each for the 3hours we spent there. But i still needed one for road, so i ordered for one.


As we walked home, Man continued Vibrating in Hausa to God knows who.

I was seeing "things".

I was seeing so many spiritual things as i lagged behind.

My eyes saw everywhere as a road. Everywhere was a road to walk on.

My eyes met with this beautiful pedestrian way by my left. The pedestrian way looked transparent and fine.

"Nigeria don dey better oh, see as government do road wey people go dey waka, see as e fine well well" I said to myself.

"see my guys dey waka for where motor dey pass, them no know say motor fit jam them, abeg me i go waka for dis fine place wey Government do for us to waka" I said to myself and i strayed to the beautiful Pedestrain way walking majestically.


"gboooooooooodooom!!" I landed into a mighty gutter full of water.

ebukav: Flow u don see am nw, say we don do am again, united 4 life,
Flow take like 3 to 5 update celabret dis cup 4 us nw. One love

Congratulations to all my Man united readers. 20th EPL trophy. Shey na beans?

We have RED blood running in our veins.

We no be like that club wey all their players get big big a''rse, even their coach name start with a''rse. I no mention name oh.

Francuiz: Oga flow man u don carry league na. Congratulations

united for life.

vision2050: you wan chop Chief leftover. When it take you ages to clean fish water, if na pepper water nko?

no be small thing oh

"aaaaaaah!!" I heard a voice screemed. "who pour me that water, aaaaah! Fish water" the voice cried. I recognised the voice as Kate's. At first i thought of running, but i thought otherwise because that would be ungentleman like.

It instantly dawned on me that i had baptized Kate who was washing her clothes at the backyard with the fish water.


"am sorry, am very sorry" I pleaded as i hurriedly ran towards her. "i never saw you washing" I said taking off my T-shirt.

The fish water i poured on her mostly fell on her a''ss, because she bent down facing her a''ss towards the direction the water came from.


"don't you have eyes? Are you blind?" she angrily spoke. "yes I am" I couldn't tell when my mouth altered that. "atleast not blind enough to know that this isn't the right place to throw dirty water" She said trying to rub off some particles from the fish water that stuck to her b'ombshot with her hand. "don't worry lemme use my shirt to clean it" I offered.

I thought she would say no. She didn't.


As i used my T-shirt to rub off the particles on her b'ombshot, my dickson arose.


What i was supposed to rub off within seconds took me ages.


The positioning was as if i was giving it to her from behind. Whoever passes would conclude that was what i was doing. But how would i had found nowhere convenient enough but outside? Even if we were dogs.


"are you not through?" She asked. "almost" I replied. "don't worry lemme go take my bath and change my clothes" She said wanting to leave. I held her back saying, "there is this particle that refuse going out, lemme rub it off". Mehn! The electricity her soft a''ss sent made me almost lose grip of the shirt i used to stroke her a''ss.

As i was almost through, i heard, "Flow welldone oh" Bigie said from behind. It seemed he never saw but just heard everything that transpired.

Both "video" and "audio" of what transpired read the same meaning. But if the video is zoomed in, it would read that what Bigie thought i was doing was'nt what i was actually doing. That we were having s''ex outside in broad daylight was what the audio read.


"Bigie no be wetin you dey think oh, i just dey clean her nyash for her" I replied Bigie.


"because you don become her Toilet paper wey dey clean s'hit comot for her nyash abi?" Bigie giggled.


I turned to see Kate hissed, eyeballed me and left. Rolling her fish water a''ss as she catwalked.