₦airaland Forum

vision2050: Flow, which time this story go end?
Let is reach 100pages or more abeg. If you end it soon, i go fight you from here to heaven if possible.
STILL I FOLLOW.....

e fit pass 100pages oh, tori still full pot oh.

4kizo: Flow, u wnt kill me, am running out of ribs

Buy more ribs and keep as spare.

"make sure you dig here, dig it wide up to this point" Madam Ifeoma begane.

It seemed she wanted us to really work hard for our 50k.

I saw Madam Ifeoma's eyes from time to time gazed at the Map of the World in Igbakwambo's a..ss. To make matters worse, Igbakwambo wore no underwear. Albeit he was fair in complexion, his a..ss was as dark as charcoal. He was the perfect description of "yellow body, black nyash".

As we continued digging, the Sun came from the skies to join us.

It was so hot that Madam Ifeoma was sweating all over her body. I saw wetness gathered in the T.oto area of the trouser she wore. As if she peed on herself.

Talking of T.oto, i remember when i was in primary Four and i saw; "T.oto is good" written boldly in the frontpage of my exercise book. When i showed it to my class teacher Miss Bola, she changed the "T.oto" to "Togo", so it became, "Togo is good". She even went further to explain that "Togo" was the name of a country, and that it was because Togo was the most beautiful country in the world that was why whoever wrote it did so.

The believe that Togo was the most beautiful country in the world stuck to my brain until i got to JSS2 when my friends were mentioning different countries like; USA, England, Brazil, France and Spain as the Countries they would love to go to. I told them i would love to go to Togo, and they laughed so hard at me. That fetched me the nickname "Togo" althrough the academic session of JSS2.

When the nickname "Togo" stopped was when i got to SS1 and got another nickname "Beans". That was because my friend found raw Beans in my school bag. I know by now you would be asking how the raw Beans got there.

Well, as funny as it sounds, i was reading my books one night and my Mum gave me beans to pick out the dirts, i mistakenly poured a handful of the beans into my school bag instead of the bowl beside me. I was immediately sent on an urgent errand by my Mum, and when i returned from the stressful errand, i had forgotten there was beans in my bag. The next day in school my friend saw the beans, and the nickname "Beans" spread like Staphylococus in the school, even my teachers called me Beans.

I changed Nicknames like i changed clothes, i just don't know why. From "Fish boy" to "Codo" to "Togo" to "Beans" to "Repo" to "Fanta" to "High tension" to "Flow"(this nickname never died) to "Ugo Flow" to "Ekun"(its Yoruba, and it means Tiger) to "The Governor", and still counting.

I got each of these nicknames in a funny way is an understatement, i got them in the funniest of ways, especially the nickname "High tension". Don't worry as the story continues you would get to know how i got the nickname "High tension" and other nicknames. But make sure you go buy a brand new set of ribs because it promises to be a rib cracker.

"make sure you measure the width, and depth accurately oh, i will be at Old Solja's room, this Sun is too much" Madam Ifeoma said and she left.

"instead of you to talk say you wan go make Old Solja wayah you, you dey talk say Sun too much" I almost said.


As i continued packing the sand, all of a sudden my heart started beating faster.

"wetin dey happen na?" I asked myself as i sat to rest. As i rested for about 2minutes, it stopped beating fast and was beating normally, making me feel drowsy.

"Flow come continue to dey pack dis sand oh, no resting oh" Man yelled.

"so make i get heart attack where i dey work abi" I said.

"Flow come na, Old Solja don bring wheelbarrow wey go make the work easy for you" Brainbox informed.

As i stood up and walked, i felt my heart beating even faster than before. Not only that, my whole body was vibrating.

"Man you sure say na Tramadol you give me make i drink?" I cried. "yes na, na Tramadol" Man replied.

"why my body dey shake na?" I inquired. "naso e dey do na, if you drink Tramadol before you start work, you no go rest, you go just continue to dey work, if you rest na sleep be that oh" Man informed.

Igbakwambo hurriedly took the wheelbarrow and raced towards their end, and i chase him. As i chased him, grasses held my right leg and i fell.

I heard so many laughs.

I also heard Man said, "Flow Old Solja don bring another Wheelbarrow, stand up".

"you dey mad oh, why you no tell me say Old Solja go bring another wheelbarrow, you com make me dey pursue dis Igbakwambo wey him nyash black like Monkey nyash" I said.

pillzthadrugz: u fit still dey update dey sleep at the same time na........but just be careful so we dont hear u snoring.......
anyhow sha u get mouth DIE

I updated this "under the influence of sleep". ;- ;- ;-

[quote author=Barnabas_Co]please update more.[/quote]I be w.izard? I no go sleep?

"Mama Ejima i dey greet oh" I greeted Mama Ejima the next morning.

Her response to my greeting was an eyeball. She eyeballed and hissed.

"if you like make you no answer me as i dey greet you, wetin i know be say you go pay us the money" I almost said.

"but wait oh, this woman fit poison me and Man oh" I said to myself.


On our way to work, i stopped over at Florence's boutique to collect the money she had sold, and i told her i wanted to go get more Jewelleries at Kpatalico Jewellery marketing company, a company located at Number 1 Kponkpon street, Nekede Owerri.



Mama Calabar canteen was open that morning. "Mama Calabar why you no open yesterday na?" I asked. "my pekin no well, i carry her go hospital, but i open in the evening" She informed.

"give us our usual" Man ordered. Our usual was Rice and Beans, with two Kpormor. Point of correction, the Rice and Beans wasn't Cement and Gravel, also the Kpormor wasn't that thing found in between a Lady's legs.

As i ate the delicious Rice and Beans, in my mind i was saying; "nothing like Mama's food". Not my Biological Mother, but Mama Calabar.

Romour had it that Mama Calabar always used the water she made use of in washing her Kpormor to prepare her meals, i guess you know the Kpormor i mean here? If you no know, na you sabi.

If the rumour was anything to go by, then it was certain Man, Flow and Brainbox would change their States of Origin to become Cross Riverians soonest. Because they were long lost in Mama Calabar's food charm.

Sometimes, i usually eat Mama Calabar's food all the way to my dreams.

You wouldn't blame me, would you? When her food was not only Mouth watering, it was also Nose watering, and even Stomach watering.

They say; "you don't know what you have until it is gone". For just a day that Mama Calabar was gone, i really missed her food.


"Man my hand dey pain me oh, you sure say we go fit dig another pit today?" I complained on our way to the site. "guy no talk that r'ubbish oh, we must dig one pit oh" Man replied.

"take Tramadol, drink am make e give you power" Man offered me two capsules of Tramadol. I collected it and swallowed without thinking twice. I never knew the same Tramadol would almost rob me of my heart.


We got to the site to meet Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie already digging. "guy na for here una sleep?" Brainbox teased.

"yes, we sleep here, we dey dig where we go bury you make you sef sleep, make you sleep go meet Baba God" Igbakwambo said.

"which kin play be that na? Na you go die" Brainbox responded.


"guy your trouser don tear for n.yash oh" I told Igbakwambo.

"leave am like that, i dey collect breeze from there" He answered.

Maybe he thought the hole was small that was why he answered me that way. He never knew the hole was Map of the world, revealing practically his whole a''ss.


"guys make we start work, them Ochagbuorie don go far" Man said.

"today work, na small small oh, see, the work wey i work yesterday don give me Koko for my head" I complained showing my guys the Koko.

The Koko grew over-night, and soon my head would look like that of Papa Ajasco.

"guy even if the Koko for your head grow big like tree, we must dig one pit today oh" Man said.

I must dig for sure, even if the Koko grew as tall as an Iroko tree. Afterall they say; "make money or die trying".

As we were changing to our Kponkpon suits, my phone rang, it was my Dad.

The first question he asked me was; "where are you?" i initially wanted to answer; "church" but i thought otherwise and answered; "school". School of Kponkpon i guess.

He also asked me if i needed some money, "No" ran ahead of "Yes" as my answer. The last time he sent me money was 6months ago. I needed his prayers more than his money. I was living a Jungle life of Independence.

We had started digging and Madam Ifeoma wasn't around.


We had dug about 2ft when she came with her Television a''ss and became a "bad belle" to our work.

Una want make i interpret "bad belle" sef?

rapins: Flow 1759, (My fellow Physicist) Physics is not a wrong choice of course. It prepares you for everyother aspect of life. Like one of my lecturers would say "Physics makes you rugged"
Flow on. I love your story and storyline.

My fellow Quantized entity. Physics Rugged for me oh, no be small.

"Baba jay you don come back?" I said as we entered our room. "i don come back oh, Pkc dey come sef, him say him no go sleep for church today" Baba jay replied.

"Baba jay na 20k dey here, if i go work tomorrow i go give you the remaining 13k" I handed Baba jay 20,000naira.

"Baba jay na 15k wey i chop Bigie and Tupac for gamble today be this, if i chop them again tomorrow i go pay you the remaining" Snoop handed Baba jay 15,000naira.

"na 33k dey here, i don pay finish be that" Man handed Baba jay his complete money.

Baba jay painstakingly counted all the money and said, "early mor-mor tomorrow, i go go give this money to the welder wey dey do the container, him don finish am, na make i just pay am finish com carry the container".

Early mor-mor means early morning.

Since the business was for the good of all of us, i was sure the money wouldn't be stolen.

Commander Bigie had gone to his room to sleep, and his second in command Brainbox was part of the business, so no one else could steal the money, or so i tot.

"where Tega go na?" I asked. "him travel go Delta state" Snoop answered.

Tega had told I and Man one evening that he would go and suckle "Anra Nwanyi Asaba", so that his Yahoo-yahoo business would flourish. He said he wanted to take the risk.

Risk!! Risk!! Risk!! That was what my friends were all about. From the Notorious robber Bigie, to the Babalawo Man, to Brainbox with the brain of five persons put together, to Tega who wanted to get money from the devil, amongst others.

I am not sure i would ever meet such friends in my lifetime.

Before i forgot, Anra means B''reast, Nwanyi means Woman, and Asaba is the same Asaba you know as the capital of Delta state.

Tega wanted to go suckle the b''reast of a priestess in Asaba so his Yahoo-yahoo business would blossom. And money would p'ump in. That was his belief.

Rumour had it when i was in school that a guy in my department suckled the b''reast of the priestess and succeeded in yahoo-yahooing his way to own an expensive car at 22. The guy was the talk of the town as girls clustered around him like bee to nectar.

Legend has it that suckling the gigantic b''reast of the priestess would make one succeed in whatever he does. But Flow has it that; "the devil gives with the right hand and takes with the left".


"Baba jay na you dey sleep for ground today, why you com cancel your name com put my name" Man said as he was staring at the sleeping timetable on top of the table.

"guy make you no talk that thing oh, that day wey i come back from church late wey na you suppose sleep for ground, i meet you dey sleep for bed, i no talk anything, i just sleep for ground" Baba jay explained.

"forget that day oh, that day don pass, today na you dey sleep for ground" Man said.

"guy make you no try me me oh, i dey warn you oh" Baba jay said pointing a finiger at Man.

What i thought wouldn't get to an extent of quarelling, as tempers were boiling, i could tell a quarel was knocking. Or even a fight.

"who you dey warn?" Man queried. "na you, i no be your mate oh" Baba jay said.

"guy, you be old man but you no dey respect yourself" Man thundered.

"guy i go just beat you like small pekin" Baba jay threatened.

"even if hundred of your type fight me, them no go fit beat me" Man threatened.

"make una come warn Man oh, i go beat am oh" Baba jay said as he moved closer to Man with his fist clenched.

"guy you no go fit beat Man oh" I nearly whispered to Baba jay as i held him.

The next thing i saw, Man was with a knife threatening to stab Baba jay. "make una hold Man oh" I yelled, as Snoop and Brainbox held Man firmly.

So if Man was left, he would had stabbed Baba jay with the knife? God forbid bad thing!! That would had been my last night in Nekede, i would had taken the next available Flight, sorry, Bus to Lagos.

As i held Baba jay firmly, i noticed his whole body was vibrating. "leave me, make i teach am lesson" Baba jay said.

"make i leave you make you teach person wey hold Knife lesson abi? You wan die be that oh" I nearly said.

Legend has it that Northerners loves fighting with sharp objects like Knife and daggar. And Man grew up in the North, so i blamed him not.

I couldn't tell whether it was "Jaz" or "voodoo" that Man used on Brainbox and Snoop that they let go of him and he dashed towards Baba jay with the knife.

I could tell his mission was to divide Baba jay's "Ishi Ukwu" to two equal halves with the knife he held.

Ishi Ukwu means Big head. Of course Baba jay had a Big head. His head was also square in shape like a Tv screen.

Suddenly, Pkc rushed into the room to save the day by pushing Man away. And MOG quickly collected the knife from him.


That night i promised myself not to sleep by the side of Man, so he wouldn't mistake me for Baba jay and stab me in the middle of the night.

Francuiz: Ma'am ishi has nothing to do with d derailing of this thread. She just made corrections which any reasonable person would appreciate. Na oga flow use him hand derail d tread. The language thingy was uncalled for. #just saying my mind#

Pls lets forget about "Ishi Issue" and the "correction wahala" and move on.

chinedumo: How una go dey comfortable to live in one yard with her after this blackmail?

Guy no worry, u go laf tayah. She show me and Man pepper ehnnn.

yemi2plus2: Nice one. Correct your 2nd word in the first line

Thanks. I have done that.

My stomach bulged like Atlas mountain as i walked slowly to avoid explosion. I looked and saw that Man's stomach bulged like mountain Everest, he could be best described as a kwashiorkor patient.


Home sweet home!! We got home to meet Snoop and Bigie gambling.

"where Baba jay?" Man asked. "him go church" Snoop answered.


I took my bath, and as i was watching Tv, Man whispered to my ears; "make we go visit Mama Ejima na". "visit her for wetin?" I almost said. But as he removed our Nokia phone from his pocket smiling, it dawned on me that it was Blackmail time.


"kpoon kpoon kpoon!!" Man knocked at Mama Ejima's door. "who be that?" Mama Ejima responded from inside.

"na me, na Man wey dey reason" Man said.

"my husband no dey, him travel" Mama Ejima informed. "no be your husband we wan see, na you" said Man.

Mama Ejima hurriedly came to open the door, and asked; "any problem?". "no problem, we just come greet you" Man said as we walked into the room.


"this one wey una come greet me so, hope i dey safe?" She said as we sat down. "you dey safe" Man replied.

"you no dey safe oh" I nearly said.

"wetin i go give una na, make i bring meat for una?" Mama Ejima said. "bring am na" I couldn't wait for her to finish saying that before i answered.

Just when i was saying i had eaten enough meat for the night, came another meat, mighty ones at that.

I turned and saw that the twins were fast asleep. They looked like two identical cartoon creatures as they lie on the bed.

Man feed his eyes with the cases of home movie CD plates that were piled on the floor, while i was admiring the huge three pieces of meat in the plate in front of me. I was wondering how such huge pieces of meat would enter my small mouth, but i was sure Man's wide mouth would accommodate not only one, but the three pieces of meat at a time.

"Mama Ejima why you bring three meat when we be two na, you want make cheating dey abi?" I nearly said. I assured myself that i would be the one to eat two pieces of meat, while Man would eat just one. But in other for me to accomplish it, i must chew with the speed of light. How possible was that when my teeth ached because of the excess meat i ate at Soroagwa's.


Suddenly Man said, "Mama Ejima you like Nigerian film well well oh". "i like am well well na, you know say i be full time house wife, na dem the film i dey use busy myself" She answered.

"okay, shebi your phone get Bluetooth?" Man asked. "yes e get, why you ask?" Mama Ejima replied. "i ask because e get one Nigerian film wey i wan send for you" Man said.

"send am na, make i on the Bluetooth" Mama Ejima said. "you go like the film, Omotola and Genevieve dey" said Man.

"which day we get this phone wey Man don already put film inside?" I asked myself as i opened my mouth wide to force a piece of meat inside.

But as Man turned and wink at me, I realized the movie he was sending to Mama Ejima's phone was the movie Kate acted the lead role, while Mama Ejima acted the supporting role.

I guessed Kate was Omotola, while Mama Ejima was Genieve. Come to think of it, they both were a picture perfect of both actresses in looks.

Albeit I looked like a Clown as i chewed, I tried my possible best not to chew my tongue along with the meat.

The room was silent for while, what could be heard was the irritating noise my mouth made as i started chewing my second piece of meat, while Man started chewing his first.

"Mama Ejima the movie don enter your phone, play am" Man informed.

She smiled as she took her phone to play the movie. A movie i titled in my mind; "The downfall of the L'esbians".

Her smile turned frown within a twinkle of an eye, from frown, i saw tears clouded her eyes.


She ran to where we sat and pleaded saying; "abeg anything wey una want i go give una, make una no let my husband see this video"

"anything? Even your Kpormor" I nearly said.

"which day your husband go come back?" Man asked. "na next tomorrow" She responded panicking.

"Okay we give you from now till when your husband comes back to pay us the sum of 50,000naira only, or else, your husband will see this video" Man spoke English for the first time since i knew him.

Why wouldn't he speak English? When we would soon be as rich as Bassey and company.

"bros, 50,000 too much" Mama Ejima cried as she was fidgety. She had never called any of us "bros" before but such situation warranted her to even call us "chairmen".

"e too much abi? No worry when ur marriage scatter, i go see if 50k go arrange ur marriage back" Man said and headed to the door. "i go pay oh, I go pay" Mama Ejima cried.

As she shook like a Jelly fish, her "parting frame" also shook.

My dirty mind suggested something to me.

I gave her parting frame a parting gift of f'ondling. And she said, "thank you bros".

Nduking92: Flow dis is not why we ar here,we ar here for ur jonz,o buru na i choro igba nwata nwanyi ahu bu Ishilove TT biko inbox o de nwata nwanyi.story time biko maka Ndu m

I know am suppose to inbox her if i want her, but i don't want her na.


No worry, i know wetin i dey do with the so called "literature gaint" of Nairaland known as Ishilove.

Where else would we head to after such hard work but Soroagwa's canteen.

Soroagwa's canteen was empty of customers that evening. What kept him company was the plate of Isiewu and the bottle of Gulder beer he was enjoying.

"Soroagwa you dey enjoy oh" Man complimented. "na God oh" Soroagwa responded.

"shey na God dey chop the Isiewu, abi na Him dey drink the beer?" I nearly said.


"wetin i go bring for una?" Soroagwa asked after he had finished his "dialogue" with Isiewu and Gulder.

"Ogbono soup dey?" Man asked. "yes e dey" answered Soroagwa.

"okay give me Ogbono soup, and put four meat, two kpomor and one fish" Man ordered.

I almost gave him a round of applause for ordering like a Vampire would, but i thought twice because the money was there.

"Akpu dey?" Man asked again. "yes e dey" Sorogwa answered.

"give me four Akpu make i use start first, i fit need extra later" Man ordered.

This time, i almost shouted "Hallelujah" because of his wierd order.

On a normal Kponkpon day, i wouldn't be able to finish two wraps of Akpu, not to talk of three, but here was Man demanding for Four wraps.

"the Four Akpu wey you say make Soroagwa bring na for three of us?" Brainbox inquired.

"which kin three of us, na for only me jor" Man replied. "e be like say una no dey hungry oh, since morning na only Bons dey my belle, upon the work wey we work" He further said.

Were the Four wraps of Akpu for three of us, there would still had been leftover, because one wrap was as big as the head of a New born baby.

"make i bring the same thing for una two?" Soroagwa was refering to I and Brainbox.

I thought of it for a while and said, "no oh, me na two Akpu i go chop oh". "na two Akpu me sef want oh" Brainbox said.

Even if i wanted to commit suicide, not with Akpu. There were a hundred and one better ways of committing suicide.


"Brainbox, as you don pay your money for the barbing salon wey we wan open, i want make you borrow me your share of this money" Man said as he was sharing the money.

"how Brainbox go borrow you money, Brainbox wey like money pass himself" I said within.

To my greatest surprise, Brainbox said, "no wahala, i go borrow you".

"Baba Brain!! You be correct Man, no worry i go give you back if we dig another pit tomorrow" Man assured.

Man handed me a bunch of money and said, "na 16k-16k we share am, so the remaining 2k we go use am pay for the food wey we wan chop so".



Soroagwa brought two plates, each containing two big wraps of Akpu and said, "that one na for Man, i dey come make i bring una own". Why he used two plates to dish the Akpu was because a plate could contain only two wraps.

Even if Man wasn't ashamed of himself, i was ashamed of him.

As Soroagwa brought my two wraps of Akpu, i was wondering if the two wraps would seat conviniently in my stomach, or an explosion would occur.

"Soroagwa why your Akpu big today na?" Man cried out.

"you dey fear? You must finish am oh" I almost told Man.

"na for another place i buy this one, this one na 50naira for one, but the former one na 40naira for one" Soroagwa answered and left.

Legend has it that why Ibos are one of the strongest people in Nigeria is because of the kind of food they eat. Strong Akpu, strong Pounded Yam, even the Eba of a typical Ibo man is as strong as a rock. Little wonder a typical Ibo man is always muscular. Their muscular nature isn't because they work out alot, but because of the strong things they swallow.

The plates of Ogbono soup were "meat-full". A butcher wouldn't even eat that much pieces of meat.

"Soroagwa this meat too much oh" I nearly said.

The Ogbono soup looked delicious. It was also hot. Pipping hot.

Research has it that hot Ogbono soup when taken in a haste could kill.

So i slowly swallowed.

The Ogbono soup acted as a lubricant that made the b'alls of Akpu smoothly ran into my stomach.

Before i knew it i was on my second wrap.

And Man was on his third wrap.

"Man wey dey reason!!" I hailed.


"Soroagwa bring me one bottle of Gulder make i take step down this food" Man ordered as we continued eating.


Soroagwa brought it and asked, "make i bring for una two?". "yes, bring Udeme for me" I ordered.

"the Junior brother of Udeme no dey oh, na the senior brother nahim dey" Soroagwa informed.

I wanted to say, "no worry, leave am, i no go fit drink the senior brother finish".

But before i could say that, Brainbox had already said, "Bring two bottle of the senior brother for me and Flow"

Rap maestro: you should be given beating with 2 by 2 plank.. It works Magic.. And that's what you need

For what? because i wrote my language for once.

chinedumo: ^^^ lol..

Flow i suprise oh

isilove is breaking your heart?
Are you guys in love?

Na person wey carry heart put for woman hand she dey break.

For her profile pix she carry sword

i dey wonder if na dat sword she take dey break ur heart.

Flow no talk say u no rememba me.
Na me u rake d oda dey say 'ur fellow man dey cast u'

yes na me talk say you dey financially irresponsible....

Some of ur fans talk say i dey jealous ur babes.

Hahahahahahaha. I remember you nwanne.

Hapu ndi O''femmanu. Asusu ha di ha mkpa too much. O wu maka a kurum okwu di na asusu ha, ka ha choro erim ka Akpu na ofe Egusi.

Ema, onwe nde wu nwata 18years no ebea.

Maka ihe Ishilove, e di sure m'obu photo ya ka o gi wee mee profile picture? O wu na o wu photo ya, nwa a na akpo Ishilove mmara ezigbote mma di ka Tonto Dike. O wu asaa mpete.

Eziokwum neene i likeerim ya. But, e mana umunwa wu ezibote wahala. Ihem ncho kita wu nwanyi n'ga lu.

Ishilove wu onye mpopo. Anaghim a likee onye mpopo.

And o wu onye Edo state. Nde Edo wu nde ogwu.



STILL I FLOW.

blue eyes1: Wtf is going on here? This tread was so enjoyable until it got flooded with 'I too knows'(ITKs),grammarians,'ovasabis' and the likes,if d guy doesn't like to be corrected,then free him,abi na by force to take correction? Why spoil the fun and beauty of this tread? Know,know,no go kill some pple,mtcheeeeew!

You guys are breaking my heart by saying i don't accept corrections.

I do.

So many guys like deji47 had corrected maturedly and i thanked them alot.

Pls lemme clear the airway, i accept corrections. Afterall i don't know it all.

That "Oshuka" guy didn't read well before he posted. I didn't say "Oshuka" was Pidgin by origin, i simply said it was Pidgin for pity's sake.

How would i not accept corrections, when am not a monopoly of Knowledge.

Just that some people correct you to boost their ego rather than correcting you in the real sense of it, and it shouldn't be so.

I say again, pls I accept corrections.

I rest my case.


STILL I FLOW.

sherifat raji: Flow is it 50k each or 50k 4 d team

50k per team. That is 100k for both teams. Remember two pits were dug.

Mutaino7: Who told u he ignores correction oR is it bcus he said the yoruba name has been incorperated in2 pidgin. I can as well do as if i get ur drift but wont use it bcus i dont lyk it all cause u want 2 exert ur opinion on me. Lastly please let the attack on Ishi and Flow stop u guys are d one responsible 4 d voluminous nature of the thread.

Help me tell am oh.

I knew that word is Yoruba by origin but it is also Pidgin. Is "Cliche" an English word by origin? Is "Petit" an English word by origin? But they are words that could now be refered to as English words.

Also is "Akamu"(pap) a Pidgin word by origin? Is "Akara"(bean cake) a Pidgin word by origin? Is "Ugu"(pumpkin leaf) a Pidgin word by Origin? Is "Kuli Kuli"(groundnut mash) a Pidgin word by origin? Is "Nsam"(periwinkle) a Pidgin word by origin?

And the list goes on.

Don't mind him, he is simply an O''femmanu fanatic.

STILL I FLOW dey go ..................... Or so i tot.

deji47: Guy na 2pits dem dig na. do d maths.
@flow u should edit "hip" to "heap" from ur "hip of poo" above.

No be two pit oh, na one for team Man, and one for team Igbakwambo. At 50k each. Go back and read to understand better.

Correct guy, ur head dey there. I loved you(no g'ay oh). **but person no fit Love him fellow guy make people no say him be g'ay?**

or rather, I like you.

Thanks. It has been corrected.

U too much.

"Flow wetin make you com get power to dig well well like this na? And you no follow us drink that Squadron oh" Man said as we continued digging.

"na the handwork of Ike Nwoke oh" I nearly said.

This time around, Brainbox was offloading the sand while I and Man were digging.

Although it was sunny, we dug to an extent that water started gushing from the ground. Soon, it got to my knee.

"Man you sure say we go fit finish this work today so?" I inquired. "no talk that r'ubbish oh, we must finish am oh, because tomorrow we go dig another pit" Man warned.

If the price of digging a pit was 50,000naira, and we succeeded in digging two pits in two days, that meant we were rich, we were Big boys.

The thought of investing the money in the proposed barber's shop energized me to work harder.

As we were digging, we were also measuring the depth of the pit with a tape.

Since non of us worked more than the others, in my mind i was thinking Man would want to take the Lion share of the pay as our boss. "ehnnn! Make him no try am oh" I told myself.

Unless he wanted me to prove to him that i had a belt in Taekwondo. I would beat s'hit off him.

Who was i saying i would beat? Man? The Babalawo? God forbid!! Even if he paid me to fight him, i would reject the offer.

"my waist dey pain me oh, e don break" Brainbox complained.

"no worry, we don dey reach the end, we go soon stop" Man assured.


An hour later, Madam Ifeoma arrived.

She didn't come alone, she came with Old Solja, or rather Young Solja.

As Old Solja alighted from Madam Ifeoma's car, i noticed he was looking younger and kept unlike the last time i saw him about a month ago.

"Old Solja!! Old Solja!!" we cheered. "my boys! How unu dey" He smiled revealing his rotten teeth. The kind of teeth no toothpaste in the whole wide world could clean. The only remedy to bring the sparkling back to his teeth was if he tried brushing with a mixture of Ogogoro, Brukutu, Omo, Jik, and Kerosene. And an Iron sponge would do the "dirty job" of scrubbing.

Ogogoro is spirit, alcoholic spirit, while Brukutu is a native alcoholic drink that is sometimes reddish. Why i prefered Ogogoro to Brukutu is because, the first day i drank Ogogoro to stupor, i saw the Sun and the Moon dancing round my head.

Before i throw more light on Brukutu, be warned, never you drink Brukutu alone, never!! It is best enjoyed with friends.

As for Brukutu, since i was born, the one and only day i ate my poo was the day i drank Brukutu to stupor at Mammy market in the Barracks. That day, i saw the heap of my poo as a heap of Moi Moi, so i took just a chunk, and then one for the road(those of una wey dey vex say i dey talk about s'hit, make una no vex i dey talk am as e happen). I was just Twelve then, and it was a juvenile adventure i embarked on. After taking about three cups of "BK" as it is popularly known, i went to a nearby bush, pood and ate half of it. I smelt of poo as i walked home that night.

I know you would be asking why i ate poo when i wasn't mad?

The answer to that is simple; that was the first day i tasted anything alcohol, so i had planned taking it alone. Brukutu commisioned my drinking career. What happened when i got home that day is a story for another day.


"Old Solja wetin you dey chop na?" I asked Old Solja who walked towards where we sat resting. "na Kola" Old Solja replied.

Kola is a short form for Kolanut, and Kolawole. Legend has it that Kolanut is an express way to having rotten teeth. And also, the moment you eat Kolanut, you have murdered sleep, sleep will be so far from you.


"unu want Kola?" Old Solja offered. "i no want" I and Brainbox said at the same time. But Man accepted it. Why?

Because he was a Mallam. And Kolanut was like Candy to a typical Mallam.


An hour later and we were through digging the "bottomless" pit, that was 30minutes after Igbakwambo and Ochabuorie finished digging theirs.


Madam Ifeoma ordered us to perfect the work by showing us some places we had to dig, which we did, albeit reluctantly. She was just searching for our mistakes.

Why wouldn't she? Considering the amount of money involved. 50K.


After painstakingly checking what we had done, and it was well, Madam Ifeoma handed Team Igbakwambo and Team Man a huge bunch of money each, and she asked us if we would be able to dig another pit the next day, of which Man answered "Yes", likewise Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie. Left to me, i would had answered "No" because i wasn't feeling my both hands at all.


As i held the huge bunch of money Madam Ifeoma gave me as our pay, i almost cried.

Tears of Joy, because the last time i held such huge amount of money was when i went to pay my final year school fees.

yemi2plus2: one thing have notice about you is, you don't like taking correction.

I hear you. Ogbeni.

Thank you

yemi2plus2: "Oshuka" is not a pidgin slang but Yoruba word. It's normally use to carry load on the head.

I know omo Yoruba, but it had been incoporated to Pidgin.

Chimaritoponcho: Flow abeg stop to dey explain tins e dey shorten our story pesin wey no knw wtn "konck" and d rest mean,should forget or so i tot
STILL I FOLLOW

No be everybody wey dey read be Ajekpako like us na. Some na Ajebutter oh.

Like Ishilove a.k.a macjive

We walked and walked, but never saw a canteen, not even half a canteen. It seemed Mama Calabar had Monopolized the business.

Lucky enough, we saw a Ghana Man.

Of course Majid Michel and John Dumelo are Ghanian Men, am not talking of a "Ghanian Man" but a "Ghana Man".

A Ghana Man is a Man that sells "Bons" in a glass box that he carries on his head. I don't know if i would be right by interpreting a "Bons" as fried flour.

Legend has it that Ghanians were the first set of people that started producing and selling Bons in Nigeria. That was how the name "Ghana Man" came to be.

"Ghana Man we wan buy Bons" Man Ordered.

I looked at the face of the Ghana Man and saw that he looked more like an Ibo Man than a Ghana Man.

Ibos!! When it comes to money, an Ibo Man can become not only Ghanian but Togolese, Senegalese, Spanish or even Saudi Arabian.


"how much own?" The Ghana Man asked.

"five hundred naira own" Man replied.

"five hundred naira own too much na" I said.

"guy e no too much oh, you no know the kin work wey we dey work" said Brainbox.


Suddenly, i started sweating, i was fidgety.

My eyes were spinning. My right eye was spinning clockwise, while my left eye was spinning anti clockwise.

"wetin dey happen to me na?" I asked myself, "ok na that Ike Nwoke wey i drink" the same me answered myself.

My legs were failing me gradually. But what i tried to do was to prevent my friends from noticing.

In my ears i was hearing the sound of a Keyboard playing. My Six were in Sevens.

"behave urself oh, no fall my hand oh" I told the Ike Nwoke.

Maybe it was because i wasn't working with the Ike Nwoke i drank, or maybe not.


At that moment, i lost Four of my Five senses namely; i was longsighted, i couldn't even percieve the Bons, my saliva tasted like coffee, in my ears a Keyboard was playing the National anthem. The sense that was still alive was the sense of feeling, as i could feel the cool breeze that blew, all thanks to the trees around.


We bought almost all the Ghana Man's Bons, sorry, Bonses.

If the Singular form is Bons, then the Plural form would be Bonses. Abi no be so?


As I and Man waited for Brainbox who went to buy sachet water that we would use to send home the Bonses, we chewed three b'alls of Bonses each, chewing it made me found my lost sense of taste.

"see the water oh" Brainbox said as he kept the sachet water on the floor, and we started the munching competition.


"wetin dey ur pocket na?" I asked Brainbox after i noticed his pocket bulged.

"na Squadron oh, na Squadron wey i thief" Brainbox brought out a bottle of Squadron dry gin.

Just when i was saying the Ike Nwoke i drank was shutting down my Nervous system, Squadron the devil came.

I promised myself never to drink a drop of it.

We started digging our graves. Or so i tot.

Man and Brainbox were digging with shovels, while I was offloading the sand.

Albeit i placed an "Oshuka" on my head, i still felt the heaviness of the sand. My neck was practically lost in my head, or better still, i was "neckless".

I know say una no go know wetin be "Oshuka". Well, Oshuka is a name given to a clothe that is placed on the head before a load is carried, it is a Pidgin slang. Oshuka sometimes act as shock absorber to prevent stunted growth, or to prevent what is called "Koko".

Koko is a Pidgin English slang for the swollen part of your body, especially head, that is struck on a hard surface. There are of two types: Ripe Koko, and Unripe Koko. The Unripe Koko is the type of Koko that comes out of a Son's head when he recieves a "konck" on the head from his Dad. Unripe Koko is temporary unlike Ripe Koko which in some cases are permanent.

Must i tell you guys everything? Must i tell you guys also that "Konck" means "Knock". Just that Konck is Pidgin and Knock is English. And the difference is just inter-changing the "o" and "n".

"Man why you no tell us say na 15ft we go dig na" I cried as i saw what was written on the paper Madam Ifeoma gave Man.

"na everything i go tell you?" Man answered.

Instead of the "Oshuka" i placed on my head to serve it's purpose, it was giving me a haircut, not a trendy haircut but a haircut by the name "Rat chop". I was gradually losing my hair.

"Brainbox come carry sand small na" I cried.

"no worry, i go carry, wait small" Brainbox replied.

Carrying the sand was a herculean task because i had to climb a poorly constructed ladder. A ladder constructed by Man. Man the "Jack of all trade". Carpentry was one of his laurels. "Man this ladder no good oh" I complained.

"e good, no worry e no go fall you" Man assured.


As i climbed up the ladder for the umpteenth time, i noticed that the pit Ochagbuorie and Igbakwambo had dug was far deeper than ours. I was surprised.

"why two people go get power pass three people?" I asked myself.

The answer to that question was staring at me from a corner. Ike Nwoke.

"bad boys! So na this thing una dey drink wey make una don dig go far" I said.

"naso na, you no know say we want finish one pit today, so we go get 50k" Ochagbuorie said.

I grabbed the bottle of Ike Nwoke and gulped without thinking. I thought it would instantly make me as strong as the Legendary Superman.

I needed not to see a big "S" crested on my chest before i would be convinced i was stronger.

As i got close to where our pit was, Man said, "Flow make we rest small, make we go chop"

"i be Mumu oh, me wey never chop go dey drink Ike Nwoke" I cursed myself.

I had called Nas the previous day, and he told me why he called me late the other night was because he wanted to inform me that the result of PHY411 was out.

And that the "411" of PHY411 was that i scored a "B" and he scored a "C".

I was happy i passed by studying hard, sorry, by Mgboing hard.


"guy we go chop money with that video well well oh" I said, as I and Man stood outside waiting for Brainbox who went to buy groundnut that we would chew on our way to work the next day, "guy we need to use our head well well oh" Man warned.

"use our head for wetin?" Brainbox who just came asked. "use our head for this kponkpon work wey we wan start today" I replied.

"na true talk oh, we need to work and save money oh, because e no go tay that work go finish" Brainbox said.

As we chewed the groundnut and walked slowly, i felt like going back home, because to me, the Jewelleries business fetched me enough money.

I chewed the groundnut as if my life depended on my chewing. Without shame.

Legend has it that a man that eats anything while walking on the road, that man is irresponsible.

Three irresponsible men walked that morning chewing like f'ouls. The biggest F'oul was Flow.

"the groundnut make sense oh, Brainbox bring the one wey dey ur pocket na" I said. "na ur Papa put am for my pocket?" He replied. "abeg bring groundnut make we chop jor" said Man.

Brainbox reluctantly brought out the groundnut he hid in his pocket and we continued chewing.

Suddenly, Man tapped me saying; "see that girl dey greet you". "no be me she dey greet, i no know her" I replied. The Lady was in a bus and still continued waving as the bus drove pass us.

"i know her oh, na Florence oh" I stammered. "you be mumu oh, groundnut wey you dey chop don block ur brain" Brainbox said.

My problem wasn't that i couldn't recognise Florence, my problem was that she saw me chewing groundnut like a Goat, and that i was dressed like a well brought up thug.

A worn out shirt, a wishy washy Jeans trousers, an over-size slippers, that was how i was dressed. Infact, we were all dressed as if that day was declared United Nation's World Shabby Day. Like it was Rag day in the Federal University of Kponkpon.

Commercial bike riders were on strike so we had to make use of our "commercial" legs. Not that we loved to, but because the few available commercial buses were not enough to carry the crowd.

We got to Mama Calabar canteen, and saw that it was locked. Or was she on strike also? I asked myself.

We waited for 30minutes and she was nowhere to be found. "Man call her number na?" Brainbox said. "so na me like food pass for this World wey i go dey hold number of people wey dey sell food" Replied Man.

"guy so we no go chop before we start work?" I asked the obvious. "no, we go chop" Man answered, "wetin we go chop?" I anxiously asked.

"we go chop Sand sand" Man answered.

Sand sand interpreted to English is simply removing one "Sand" leaving just one "Sand". Pidgin English is a language of repetition. Example of such repetition is making such statement: "see as you dey look look my Garri, abi e too water water? The Garri sweet oh, but e be like say small sand sand dey am"

"which kin play be that one, you no go serious abi" I said.

"as you dey ask nonesense question na, you know say na Mama Calabar be the only place wey people dey chop here, and no other place, but you still dey ask me r'ubbish question" Man said.


"this woman dey fine everyday oh, see as she be like 20years babe" I said to myself as i saw Madam Ifeoma that morning.

We changed to our Kponkpon traditional attire and waited for Madam Ifeoma to instruct us on what to do.

"today you are to start digging the big pits where the underground tanks would be placed" She informed.

"this is the measurement of the pit, the price for each pit is also there" She handed over a paper to Man.

When Man finished reading the information therein and smiled, that was when i knew all was well.

"so can you guys do it?" Madam Ifeoma asked. "yes we can" Man, Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie chorused. I and Brainbox just stared at them like two I'diots.

"Madam Ifeoma no worry, na me be Man wey dey dig Well the time wey i dey Sokoto, we fit dig two pit today sef" Man assured.

Madam Ifeoma told us she needed to go withdraw money from the bank, she showed us where to dig the pits, and she left. "go withdraw our money come oh" I said within.

"Man na how much to dig one pit?" Brainbox asked.

"na 50 oh" Man answered. "how we go dig that kin big pit for 50naira" Brainbox said.

"i mean 50,000naira" Man said. "yeeeekpa! na Big money oh" I yelled.

We formed two teams. Team Man and Team Igbkwambo. Team Man started digging a pit, while team Igbakwambo was digging another.

I suddenly heard a rumble in my stomach, "and we never chop oh" I told myself.

macjive01: Good to know you want to improve.

IMO, i would say

Firstly, your audience are Nigerians who understands pigdin and slangs, your explaining every single slang on your write up makes it look patronizing.

2/ More beaf on high point

your banging of ifeoma, most folks i believe, would have wanted more details, that was the first sex on the write up, you didnt milk it at all, neither did you when you spied on kate, those scenes lacked the desired build up that would have elicited excitement.

same when kate and mama ejima came together. you might not like lez shows, but many of your audience do, you are not writing for yourself hence you should have described in more details what transpired, their moans, their actions, who came first, how their bodies were undulating under their passion.

The fight scene.
Even here you didnt milk it, a good description of the thugs would have defined the fight better. highlighting their scars, smell and body built gives better definition to the characters and ultimately the fight.


Try avoiding use same adjective to qualify every effect/issue.
you have described Kate as the most beautiful thing under the moon, same with the church girl, ifeoma, and the market woman.


COHERENT
At times you write like folks did live your life with you, you narrate an event that occurred, leave it unfinished and never relate it with subsequent events

eg; when biggy sold the laptop and bought you guys drinks, the owners confronted him and that was it. you ended it abruptly. folks would naturally wonder
did biggy own up to the theft ?
did they beat up biggy ?
how did he wriggle himself out of it ?

it was an important event to define the character Biggy; is he simply a pick pocket with no brains or is he skilled enough to lie his way out or negotiate a way out.

with your exam chips, you left out your trip to the refuse dump, however the subsequent narrations did tell you found them, cos you took them into the exam hall, That was good, but it is only the one time you have linked your different events properly.


don't dwell so much on events with no high point and not having any importance to the story line, eg the pooing bits.



But damn it, what a life you have lived. you have the one thing every writer cherishes, Events/scenarios- something to draw inspiration from.


In conclusion,

Take a pause and define a story-line for the remaining part of this write-up,
find ways to link different scenes- even if it means tweaking the real life story,
think of on what note to end it on,
cos at the time being it has a feel of a dairy than any intelligent colligation of events. Let alone a story.

Thanks.

But note this; I didn't describe all beautiful Ladies with the same phrase like you said.

I also musn't tell the scars and smell of a tout na. Don't you think it would be saying the Irrelevant things? Morealso, how could you see scars at night?

And the Bigie part you said. Since Flow is the one telling the story and not Bigie, and Bigie came back home unharmed, why would Flow tell what happened to Bigie when he wasn't there. And Bigie never told him. I think there are some details that are better left not said.

You said i haven't decribed Bigie's character as a pickpocket and looter, haba! The same Bigie that i have been saying steals better than Anini? the same Bigie i have been saying has an award in stealing? HABA!

Know this: that that laptop part was tragedic(is there a word like tragedic?) initially doesn't mean it ended tragedic. You be guy na, put urself in Bigie's shoes.

That is my style of writing, I allow my readers put theirselves in the shoes of every character.

But for other things you stated, you are right. I will improve.

Thanks once more.

"guy you video that thing well so? You zoom am?" I asked as I and Man sat under the tree. "i zoom am na, make i play am for you" Man replied and started playing the B'lue film. Or rather L'esbian film.

As i watched the film for a while, suddenly my d'ick rose unlike when i was watching it Live. Maybe it was because Man played it with a high volume. Or maybe not.


We were watching so keenly that we never saw someone coming.


"what are you guys watching?" It was Pkc.

The Movie, or rather Action film was still playing loudly.

"nothing" I answered.

Nothing, but the m'oaning from the phone was loudly heard.

"why dis phone volume loud like this na?" I said to myself.

"I say what are you watching?" He asked again.

As i remembered what Pkc preached to us at the morning devotion that morning about telling the truth always, i told myself it was best i told him the truth.

"B'lue ......................" I wanted to say B'lue film, but Man tapped me at my back signaling me not to. So i said; "Blue band" Instead.

"what is blue band?" Pkc asked. And i prayed for a lie to instantly fall from heaven. The best lie.

I initially thought of saying i needed to eat Bread and Blue band. But that wasn't an award winning lie, i needed an award winning lie.

"ehnnnnn, I love the blue band of your boxers" I stammered.

Lucky enough, his boxers had this fine blue elastic waist band.


"Pkc we dey watch Champions league for phone" Man lied without thinking. Or better still, his a'nus did the thinking.

"you are watching Champions league and am hearing that sound, is that the sound of Champions league match?" Pkc queried.

"yes Pkc, na Chinese Champions league" Man answered.

"Man!! Which one be Chinese Champions league again?" I nearly said.


"and what is this thing swollen in your trouser" Pkc pointed at my d'ick that was at attention.

"which kin question be this na? Okay na Fish, na Big fish" I nearly said.

"Pkc naso the trouser dey, naso dem design am" I answered.

And Pkc laughed his way out saying; "may God save you people from I'mmorality".

"Amen oh!!" we chorused.

"but why you no stop the video to dey play na?" I said to Man after Pkc left.

"i dey press am e no gree stop to play na" Man replied and we continued watching the Movie.

As we saw Mama Ejima left Kate's room walking towards her room, we stopped watching the Movie and started whistling. I think i was whistling a Rap song while Man was whistling Hip hop.

She eyeballed us and walked into her room.

"r'ubbish woman, so your husband wey be Boxer no fit f''uck you well, mumu woman, na ur fellow woman you see to F''uck" I was beginning to dislike her. And Kate also.


About 2minutes later, i saw her walked towards us.

"go give me that phone" she said as she stood in front of me.

"yawa don gas oh, but how she take know say we video them na" I said to myself.

"no be me hold the phone oh" I cried out.

"na who com hold am?" She queried, as i tried moving my legs to see if they were still alive or dead, incase i needed them to run. Or raned.

"na Man oh" I pointed at Man.

"your Father Flow, Mama Ejima no be me hold any phone oh, Flow you dey mad" Man attacked.

"that mean say this woman na w'itch oh, how she take know say we dey video them?" I asked myself as i stood up to run. Man stood up also.

"where una wan go?" Mama Ejima queried.

"nowhere, we wan stretch our leg, because we don sidon since, so we no go get muscle pull" I answered.

I was now scared of Mama Ejima because W'itchcraft read in her eyes. I saw fire in her eyes also. Or so i tot.


Suddenly, Man ran, and as i was about to run, she grabbed my shirt saying; "u no dey go anywhere, una don go sell my phone abi, una must bring my phone oh".

The beautiful Mama Ejima was more beautiful when angry. So beautiful that i almost k'issed her sweet lips.


"but na you i give the phone na, you be thief oh" she was blessing me with her Saliva as she yelled at me.

The Saliva of such a beautiful lady could serve as Honey to my Tea. A Tea i would gladly drink to stupor.

A closer view of her beautiful face reminded me of the portrait of "The Mona Lisa" by Leonardo Da Vinci.

"which phone you give me?" I inquired.


"my Phone wey i give you make you charge for una house na" She answered.

That was when my dull brain recalled she had earlier given me her phone to charge in our room, oweing to the fact that the electrical Junction box in their room was faulty.


"see as you let me fear, i think say na another thing you dey talk, leave my shirt jor, your phone dey, make i go bring am" I said and she let go of me.

Cold faya: Flow.......there's no harm in trying something new.
If u notice ma dude, the reading culture in Nigeria has dropped real bad. So me thinks it could b attributted to ppl getting tired all dis plenty oyinmbo grammer for book. So wat if u mix oyinmbo with pidgen? U nor see how ppl just plenty wey d gbadu ur tori? Dat na cos u fuse grammer with street pidgen.
So me I believe say if u mix grammer with street pidgen, guy u fit come bring back d reading culture cos ppl go only read wetin dem fit connect with. Me I dey already place order for dat book wen e fallout.
Still u flow bro. Good work ma man.

Thank you. Make una no vex say i never update oh. I just dey come 4rm work.

Habybullah: Hauka kwo bori? Funkified Hausa ... Bt come oh ...sebi u de do soldier work fr north? ... or so I tot. I jst hope say dem never carry u go Borno, Yobe or even Adamawa sha..?

Forget that "BARRACK BOY", it wasn't fully the real me.

Am working in Lagos, and am not a soldier. My Dad is a serving Army officer sha.

Well, a barrack boy is more or less a soldier.


BTW my fans, i say make i ask una oh.

Do Nigerians appreciate Books that blends Pidgin English and English Language?

Do they read them?


You see, because this story is non fictional, that is why i am telling it as it unfolded, but i am sure if i give fiction a trial, i will learn from the mistakes i made in this story, and i would improve.


I have so many fictional stories running through my mind right now(stories wey make sense oh, wey go make sense pass this one sef). I plan writing and publishing them, that is after someone proofread them for me.

Infact i have already put pen on paper by starting to write the manuscript of a fiction i know would be a thriller.

What are my changes?

How do i go about it?

I need the MATURED advice of my fans. Pls.

STILL I FLOW.



PS: That one no mean say "MAN WEY DEY REASON" don dey finish oh. Tori still plenty well well.

STILL I FLOW again.

ewosk: hmmm......sensing a new office go open soon...or so am tinking....man nd flow don jam jackpot....make i keep my eyes open nd fingers uncrossed for d next post...

Or so you tot.

When we reach there you go know.