₦airaland Forum

"Flow where you dey? You dey house?" the caller asked.

"i no dey house, i dey work" my tongue slipped.

"you no tell me say you don dey work na, which work be that?" the caller asked.

"mehn, i dey work part time as Deputy Supervisor for one contruction company oh" I told a lie.

"which company be that?" he was asking too many questions.

"the name of the Company na.................." I was thinking of a befitting name.

"na Chinese company oh" I informed. "ehnnnnn! Wetin be the name of the Chinese company na?" he was curious.

"the name na MI Tupacokpatalico" I figured out a perfect name.

"MI Tupacokpatalico!! Which kin name be that?" he giggled.

"nahim make me first tell you say na Chinese company na" I said.

In such situation, forming a name wasn't difficult for me at all. The "MI" stood for "Madam Ifeoma", and since i told him it was a Chinese name, i thought it would sound Chinese if i combined "Tupaco" and "Kpatalico" to form Tupacokpatalico.

Tupacokpatalico!! A mouthful indeed.

Imagine a stammerer trying to pronounce "Tupacokpatalico", it would take him/her ages to pronounce, he/she might chew his/her tongue in the process.

Talking of "she", i have never seen a "she" stammerer before. If una don see, make una tell me whether she fine or she worwor. Or is stammering a "Male only" thing? because i had seen so many Male stammerers.

Notable amongst the Male stammerers i had seen was Emmanuel. Na una say make i no dey talk tori of wetin happen when i small na, if not, Emmanuel tori for make una laf tayah.


"i no know say Chinese company dey for this Owerri oh" He doubted.

"e dey na, na new Company wey just open" I said.

"okay oh, i just wan tell you say exam timetable don come out, and Phy412 na tomorrow" He informed.

"you mean am!" I was shocked.

"i mean am na, and you know say na only you dey write that one, i no dey write am" He said what i already knew.

"you dey read so?" He asked. "yes i dey read" I answered.

I was reading in Kponkpon Site, with empty Cement sacks as my books and Shovel as my Pen.

"no wahala, that laptop wey you sell for me, i go give you the complete money next week, e get money wey i dey expect" He concluded.

"no wahala, you be my man na" I said.

"okay na, write the exam well oh" Nas advised and hung up.

Of course the exam would be written well, written with the help of Mgbo reminder a.k.a chop and clean mouth.

"Flow why you no fit read your book? Read and you go pass" I know the bookworms amongst you would ask. Well, my answer to you guys would be; "e concern una? Shebi na my toroh".

"toroh" means Business. "shebi na my toroh" interpreted to English is "thats my business".

That was indeed my business. My business to fail Phy412.

God forbid!! If i could pass Phy411, then i would certainly pass Phy412 which was easier. Phy411 was the 411 of Physics.



I saw the call summary that Nas spoke to me for 7minutes. "this boy get money oh, see how many minutes wey him follow me talk" I tot. He had earlier told me he wanted to start Yahoo- yahoo.


I put my phone back into the pocket of my trouser that hung on the wall in the Changing room and went to join others working.

"guys we need to chop this s'hit well well oh" Man stated.

"you and who go chop s'hit?" I said to Man.

"na all of us na" He answered and smiled.

"i no follow una oh, how i go chop s'hit? I be Dog?" I queried.

"Mumu! Chop S'hit na the name wey dem dey call the plastering work wey we go do today" Man informed.

"Chop S'hit! Which kin name be that" I said.

"na the name wey all Kponkpon workers for Nigeria dey call plastering work, abi Igbakwambo no be so?" Man turned to Igbakwambo.

"naso na, na the name na, the s'hit dey dey two type; strong s'hit and soft s'hit" Igbakwambo answered.

"but today own na strong s'hit we go mix" He added.

"which one be strong s'hit again na?" I needed to know for the records.

"that kin s'hit na the s'hit wey you no go put plenty water when you dey mix am" Ochagbuorie answered.

"na strong s'hit Madam Ifeoma say make we mix oh" Man warned.

"where she dey sef?" I asked. "she say she wan enter bank go withdraw money" Brainbox said.


I ate Four bags of s'hit that day.



Brainbox ate Three bags of s'hit, and Ochagbuorie ate Seven bags. Man and Igbakwambo were dressing the s'hit for a more handsome amount.

Your guys that have already read the last update should pls go back and read. I made some corrections and i added few important lines.

If una like make una no go back go read.


STILL I FLOW.

texanomaly: No honor among thieves. Flow why u wan stop di thread?

That was fast. Like someone earlier said, "e be like say you dey track me oh". U no even wait make i modify the update.

Anyway, go back and read.

"Bigie I go call police for you oh, where the other laptop wey you thief? Since yesterday wey i don dey tell you make you bring the laptop" Opopo met us watching Tv in Bigie's room in the evening of the next day.

"but Bigie, shey dem swear for you, give Opopo him laptop na" Tupac told his friend Bigie.

"no be say i no wan give you, i no see the laptop, i don dey find am since yesterday" Bigie complained.

"so the laptop don fly go like bird abi?" Opopo queried.

"guy i wonder oh!" Brainbox said.

"no worry i go thief another laptop come give you" Bigie assured.

"them dey talk of the one wey you thief, you dey talk say you wan thief another one" Man took those words out of my mouth.

"no mind am, naso people wey dem dey call Bigie dey thief" Tupac said.

"naso people wey dem dey call Tupac dey f'.uck a'shawo" Bigie replied.

Woe betide me for me to interpret what "a'shawo" is. Check your dictionary.

Una no ask me why i never ask Bigie for my 4k and my Gold necklace wey him thief.

Well, i stole Opopo's laptop from Bigie.

And sold it to my course mate Nas, he had even given me part payment.

Flow why you thief the laptop na? You would ask.

Like the Pidgin adage goes; "cunny man die, cunny man bury am". He thought he was the only pilferer in the whole world, he never knew there is a pilfering side of every man. I had no choice but to bring out the pilfering side of me after i was inspired by Udeme.

"any of una enter this room com take laptop?" Bigie asked everyone.

"e don tay wey i enter una room, talk less of to thief laptop" Brainbox said.

"me too oh" said Man.

"Flow you nkor?" Bigie asked.

"na since last week i enter una room last" I stated.

"e don tay wey i enter una room, talkless of to thief laptop" was what Brainbox answered when Bigie asked if any of us saw the laptop. That was a Big fat lie.

He actually helped me steal the laptop from his "Colleague" Bigie. Since i knew the both of them were in the same line of business, i told Brainbox to help me steal the laptop, and that when it is being sold, he would recieve 30% share of the money.

How he managed to enter Bigie's room, and how he stole the laptop was none of my business, after all he was Mr Brainy.


"my Inlaw na Police Officer oh, i give you from now till tomorrow afternoon, if you no give me my laptop, i go report you to my Inlaw" Opopo threatened.

"how you take know say na your laptop i thief sef?" Bigie dared.

"i don tell you oh, if i finish with you, you go know say na me run this Owerri town" Opopo threatened and left.

"e no go better for person wey thief that laptop" Bigie cursed.

"e no go better for you too, onye oshi!!" I nearly said.

"the person na fool, the person na I'diot" He continued cursing.

"Fool" and "I'diot"!! One for the master, one for the boy. I was the master, Brainbox was the boy. The latter was milder for the master.

"na you be I'diot, na your Papa be Fool" I almost said.

If Bigie was that F'at, i could imagine how F'at his father would be. Maybe his father's nickname might be "Phatfarm" or "Fat Joe". Or so i tot.

"dey here dey curse person wey thief the laptop, no go find the laptop, if Opopo bring Police, na that time you go know" I said to Bigie, and he left angrily.





According to Man, we would be resuming Kponkponology the next day. I was happy that atleast i would be leaving home everyday, leaving my "trouble friends" behind. Not knowing that Kponkpon was a more bitter trouble friend.

opeano: lols. Dis Biggie na professional compared to Brainbox.. chai, Flowey, ur frds always put u in tyt corners, am hapi u scaled tru all doz ordeals o.

I don't think i would ever meet a pilferer as smart as Bigie. Ever!!

nnenna ada: uncle Flowey i dey hail o,na u b chairman. U sef don kill me with laff.

me sef dey hail you nnenna ada. How you dey?


BTW where is "yoyo the first" my first wife. Who don see her?

"oga Haruna!! No be Flow thief am oh!!" I heard the voices of Man and Snoop.

"na who thief am?" Haruna thundered.

"na Brainbox!!" I was able to raise my bowing head to see Man, Snoop and Baba jay pointing at Brainbox.

Man hastily spoke Hausa to Haruna, and Haruna said; "God save you today, today nahim you for die", and he left.

I was saved by the Bell.

What followed after Haruna left was a straight punch from Flow to Brainbox.

"U want make i die? Why you point me say na me thief?" I thundered.

An upper-cut was next, "i don warn you about this thing plenty times" I yelled at the top of my voice.

I saw Tega sneaked out.

He replied me with a heavy punch that sent my head spinning like a Big wheel. As i was about replying him with a 50kg punch, Man held me.

"leave me make i show this boy pepper" I tasted blood in my mouth, it seemed i had lost a tooth or two.

"make una no dey fight, una be friends oh" Baba jay who held Brainbox said. I saw blood dripped out of Brainbox's mouth, and it reminded me of a Baggers slogan; "we are Baggers, our colour is Red, we are never satisfied until we see Blood".

I saw Blood, so i was satisfied.


Later in the evening.


I sat under the Mango tree looking at a hand Mirror to see how many teeth i had lost, it surprised me to see that no tooth was lost.


I sat alone for an hour or so, then i saw Bigie walked into the compound with two laptops.

"go blow am" The Bad part of my mind suggested.

"no go blow am oh, Bigie go beat you if una fight oh" The Good part of my mind warned.

"how this Fat fool go beat me" I told them both.

"him no fit beat you, so go give am blow make una fight" The Bad part said.

"you sure? What of if him sidon for my head with him big nyash?" I told the Bad part. At that moment, i saw the Bad part as the Good part, and vice versa.

I had watched in Sumo wrestling when one of the fighters mistakenly sat on the head of his opponent, and his opponent pop the clogs instanta. Since that day, i vowed never to fall to the ground when fighting with an Orobo, even if i stood on a ground tiled with Ogbono soup.

Orobo means someone that is Plus-size.

"go fight am jor! Abi you dey fear am?" The Bad part or rather the Good part said.

"how i go fear Bigie? I dey mad" I stood up with fury and raced towards him.

"Flow your money dey, dem no chop me" Bigie said as he saw me racing towards him. I could tell he was scared as he took several steps backward.

"i wan give you one laptop sef" He said.

"you say wetin?" I screeched like a Police Vehicle.

"i say i wan give you one laptop" He repeated.

"you mean am?" I needed to know.

"i mean am na, take" He offered me a Dell laptop.

"ehen! Na now you talk, you be correct man jor" I tapped him at the back.

"but next time, make you tell me when you wan take my wallet oh" I said nonesense. As if it was wise for him to tell me he wanted to take my wallet before taking it.

"where the wallet na?" I asked. "see am, but no money dey inside am oh" He offered.

Since he had given me a laptop worth 100k, i wouldn't mind recieving an empty wallet.

I collected the wallet and searched if my ATM card and ID cards were still there, of course they were.

"Bigie you be correct man" I left happily.

"Him no be correct man oh, him thief the laptop oh" I couldn't tell if it was the Good part or the Bad part of my mind that said that.

"how you take know?" I asked the voice.

"how him go go gamble, and him no go come back with money, na only laptop him come back with" The voice said.

"na true oh" I agreed.




I stayed tranquil on the bed the next morning, thinking of what to do to the stolen laptop, when i heard Tega and Opopo entered the room.

"Tega i wan sell one laptop oh" I announced.

"ehen! I dey find laptop to buy sef, them don thief my laptop, where the one wey you wan sell?" He said.

"see am here" I brought out the laptop.

He looked keenly at the laptop, smiled, and said, "Flow so na you thief my laptop? Why na?".

"you well so? I dey tell you say i wan sell laptop, you dey tell me say i thief your laptop" I replied.

"if headache dey catch you, go drink Paracetamol oh" I added. And the whole house laughed.

"i say this laptop na my own, them cut the window of Opopo motor com thief our two laptop wey we put inside" Tega said.


"when this thing happen?" I asked. "na yesterday afternoon" Opopo answered.

I remembered that Bigie had a device that could neatly cut the glass of a car, and that he had used it on Chief Livinus car in my presence.

That was when it dawned on me that Notorious BIG had done another Magic, or rather another Miracle.


"na Bigie thief una two laptop, na him give me this laptop oh" I found my lost voice.

Ezeebube2: "Obata Ofuo" is mostly used for kleptomaniacs meaning; "O bata"(when he enters or if he comes in) "Ofuo"(something gets lost or disappears)

i no even know say na Ibo him speak sef. I think say na Calabar.

Soma Naeto: walayi Bigie name supose be Obata ofuo

Meaning?

"wey my wallet?" I yelled early the next morning.

"who take my wallet?" I thundered.

I glanced at the wallpaper of Cristopher Wallace a.k.a Bigie smalls on the wall, that was when it dawned on me that i slept in the room of the Notorious BIG.

"thunder fire Bigie!!" I cursed.

"wetin happen? Wetin Bigie do?" Brainbox inquired.

"the b'astard don thief my wallet" I thundered.

As i saw Tupac came out of the bathroom, i furiously asked, "where Bigie?".

"wetin happen? Wetin him do?" Tupac asked.

"him thief my wallet as i dey sleep for night" I cried.

"nawa for Bigie oh, him guys come sleep for him room and wallet dey miss, which day him go stop to dey thief? Abi person wey do am this thing don die?" Tupac wondered.

Bigie never gave a damn whether you were his Father or his Pastor, he would still pick your pocket, but my question was; why was it that his roommate Tupac had never ever complained of him picking his pocket? Or were the both of them patners in the crime?

I was sure Tupac wasn't a pilferer like Bigie because he had always advised Bigie against stealing. The same way Bigie had always advised him against womanizing.

Pilfering was sure a more deadly disease when compared to Womanizing. Or so i tot.

"maybe him don go gamble, as we still dey sleep, i hear when him dey comot sef" Tupac informed.

"which kin gamble wey him go go gamble for early morning?" said Brainbox.

"that kin gamble, them dey call am Morning Mass" Tupac put a smile on his face, and on his head also. His glowing head.

"na for Morning Mass nahim person fit chop plenty money, and na for Morning Mass them fit chop all person money finish, guys dey even use Talley gamble for morning mass" Tupac said.

"so na my money him go use do Morning Mass abi?" I queried.

"Flow no worry, Bigie dey get luck for Morning Mass, him go chop plenty money come back, you go see" Tupac assured.

"how him go chop plenty money wey him no get Talley?" Brainbox queried.

If Man were to be a gambler, with his Talley he would for sure had been a Billionaire.

"i wonder how person wey no get Talley go chop people wey get Talley oh!" I supported Brainbox.

"make una no worry, i trust Bigie" Tupac gave us an assurance.

"my own be say make him bring my money come back, the money na 4k oh, and make him bring my wallet come back, that wallet dey important to me because them my ID card and ATM card dey there" I angrily said and left, Brainbox joined me.

On our way out, i noticed that something had left my neck, i touched my neck, and to my greatest surprise, my Gold necklace was gone, the same Gold necklace i collected from Bigie.

"i go killed Bigie if him come back" I said.

"Flow which one be say you go KILLED Bigie if him come back? Na wetin your English teacher teach you for school?" Brainbox caught my grammatical blunder.

"na your Mama be my English teacher na, you don forget" I replied.



"how them the pastor take see the mojo magazine wey you put for your bag na?" I asked Tega as we sat in Big boys cutz in the afternoon of the same day.

"Guy as i wan collect my boxers for my bag, naso the mojo magazine just fall comot for my bag, as i wan pick am naso one of the pastor just first me pick am oh" Tega narrated.

"guy no be small preaching the pastor preach for Tega and Opopo oh" said Snoop.

They both really needed not only preaching but Deliverance from the spirit of g'ayism.

Mojo is not an Idoma name, it is said to refer to a p'orn magazine.

"guys make una see Sadin and Bread chop oh" Brainbox offered.

"where you see this kin plenty Sadin and Bread?" Baba jay asked.

"i thief am" Brainbox replied.

I ate the Bread and Sadin hastily because i was sharing a loaf with the ravenous Baba jay. Infact, i practically swallowed it without chewing.

I thought Brainbox was just kidding when he said he stole the Bread and Sadin, i never knew he actually stole it until i heard; "walahi! I go cut person head, who thief my wife Bread and Sadin".

"my wife say one of una thief Bread and Sadin for her shop, which of una thief am?" Haruna thundered with a cutlass in his hand. A very sharp cutlass.


"na Flow thief am" Brainbox pointed at me.

Before i could say; "no be me thief am oh", Haruna raised his hand up wanting to bisect my head.




"what greater love than this, for Flow to die for his friend Brainbox" A voice in my head said.


I was two seconds to hitting my Tombstone.




Two seconds to six feet down.



Two seconds to kissing the skies.

From that day, i hated Tega like poo, and i hated Opopo like fart.

After we were paid Big boys cutz stipend for the previous week, i and Brainbox was called to the "bar" one evening.

"guy you sure say we go go service so?" said Brainbox.

"why we no go go service? We go go na" I replied.

"guy our department no wan even send us go service, even those wey their result complete never go service, talk less of us wey get spill over" Brainbox complained.

It had totally escaped my memory that i had Phy442 exam to write in two weeks time, what Brainbox said reminded me that i was a spill-over student and not a Rice and Beans student.

"no be you dey talk before say no be say person get certificate mean say the person go rich" I altered.

"guy Asambodo good oh" He agreed.

Asambodo is not the name of Australian currency, it is an Ibo word meaning "Certificate".


"guy i enter one Boutique go market my necklace, naso i see Tega and Opopo there oh, guy you know wetin com happen?" Brainbox made an incomplete statement.

I thought he wanted to say, Opopo and Tega drilled into his a''sshole in the Boutique in broad daylight.

"two of them f'.uck you?" I almost asked.

"wetin happen na?" I inquired.

"them buy one fine shoe for me oh, them even buy one expensive perfume for me sef" Brainbox informed.

"and you collect?" I needed to know.

"who no like better thing! I collect na" He smiled.

"no worry them go soon start to wayah you for nyash, na that time you go know say Khaki no be leather, abi you no know say that perfume fit be g'ay perfume, when you spray am you go just begin to dey like Opopo and Tega" I almost said.

Talk of the Devils, and they came.

"Flow how far?" Tega stretched out his hand for a handshake.

"guy why you wan shake me na, abi i resemble g'ay" I almost said.

I reluctantly shook him, and he forgot his hand on mine.

In my mind, i was thinking he was passing "g'ay current" to me, so i quickly withdrew my hand.


"Flow how far na" Opopo shook my hands.

"i dey fine Marvin g'ay" I nearly replied.

Imagine both of them f'.ucking and at the same time playing a Marvin g'ay song. Ohlala!! It would be a g'aylicious experience.


"we say make we drink na, make we enjoy ourself na" I said.

"make we sef follow una drink na" They both sat down.

"make una follow us na, but make una no spread g'ay disease give us oh" I nearly said.

"make una join us na, there is Love in sharing" Brainbox said.

"Love in wetin? You want Love? If Opopo and Tega Love you na you go run oh" I felt like telling Brainbox.

"Barman, bring beer for all of us, you go bring pepper soup for all of us sef" Tega ordered.

"guy wey your motor na?" I asked Opopo as we drank on.

"the thing get small problem, e dey for mechanic" He replied.

"how that your fine motor go get problem? Abi your Jaz no dey work again?" I almost said.

"Jaz" is not referring to the music genre, it is said to refer to getting fame, power, money, love in diabolical means.

I was glad i wore my "drinking cap" that evening. So many bottles of Udeme saw the skies, i think about 18bottles.

Don't get it twisted, the 18bottles wasn't drank by Mr Flow Udeme alone, Mr Opopo Udeme and Mr Tega Udeme drank "Udeme" too. The big Udeme.

The bottles of Udeme i drank sent home the four plates of pepper soup i took. I so wished Man came with us to drink that evening. He couldn't come with us because he was the Cook for that evening, Pkc was around with some Pastor friends of his. With additional mouths to feed, Man needed to prepare more food.



As we walked home, sorry!! they walked home, while i jumped home. As i jumped home, i noticed that the atmosphere was well lite, there was light in every nook and cranny, even in my shoes.

"but God is great oh, how God take make light sef" I said.

"God na Chairman" Opopo stated.

The Full-Moon lite the night that i thought the night was fast spent.

"wetin be time?" I asked.

"time na 9:30" Tega answered.

"i no go sleep for our room oh, i go sleep for them Tupac room" I informed. "me too oh" Brainbox said.

"why una no wan sleep there?" Tega asked.

"space no go dey for our room na, Pkc bring two pastors come house" Brainbox said.

"so na because him bring two pastor come house nahim make me no go sleep for house? For wetin na? House wey my money dey for house rent? Abeg Opopo make we go house jor, we go sleep for house, we no dey sleep for another person room" Tega yelled.

"your money dey for the house rent na, our own money no join" I told him.

What we never knew was that Opopo and Tega would be a "disgrace" to Pkc in the presence of his Pastor friends.

eunisam: the story done finish abi e never fish

You dey pray make e finish?

No worry, your prayer would soon be answered. Very soon.

"better things dey happen to us this days oh, the other day na Flow bring better-better cloth for us, now see fine-fine cloth wey Tega bring for us" Brainbox said as we were taking our pick from the fine clothes Tega brought home.

I and Brainbox almost tore a fine Jeans trouser as we practically fought over it.

"guy you don take one Jeans already, leave this one for me na" I pulled the Jeans from him.

"forget that thing abeg, no be me first collect am?" said the Coconut headed Brainbox.

Brainbox's head was a picture perfect of either Coconut or Water Melon, or a little bit of both. Little wonder he told us he was the Head boy when he was in secondary school.

If the criterion for appointing one as a Head boy was how Big the person's head was, i would had been appointed the Assistant Head boy when i was in secondary school, to assist "Ori oh" who for sure would had been the Head boy.

My head was like Satellite dish when i was in Junior Secondary School, but as i grew older, the Satellite dish grew smaller, yet nobody in the whole school was able to take the second position from me, i comfortably took charge as the "Second man in Command" in the kingdom of Head.

Unlike Ori oh, my head was perfect for my well built body, and cute also, depending on your definition of "cute".

Ori oh's head was like the head of "The Brain" in the Cartoon series "Pinky and the Brain".

Like The Brain, he was short. He was also u'gly, dark in complexion, and a Bulldog look-alike.

Ori is a Yoruba word and it means Head. "Oh" that was added to the "Ori" is an Exclamation.


"guy you don collect one Jeans already na, leave this one for Flow na" Man said.

After much argument, the Coconut head master reluctantly left the Jeans for me.

"Tega you don try as you give us cloth, God go sama you blessing" Snoop said.

Sama isn't the name of a Spainish footballer, i no know how i go explain am for una oh, make i try sha, it is what is said to refer to when something positive is given abundantly to someone. Take note of the word "positive", because for instance, if an Army man land you like 20 slaps in a day, you will be very s'tupid going around telling people the Army man "sama" you slaps.


"thank Oluwa oh, na Oluwa do am" Tega replied.

"shey na Oluwa carry you go Nwanyi Asaba place?" I needed not to say that.

"make una no worry, more of this dey come" Opopo promised.

"yahoo business na better business oh, money dey am, but i no fit do am" I told myself.

An hour later.

Baba jay and Snoop went to resume duty at the barber's shop. Brainbox went to Poly Nekede to write the exam of the course he was spilling over. Man went to visit his younger sister in IMSU. Pkc had not been home for about a week.

"make i go baf" Tega announced.

"make i sleep small" I tried to catch some sleep.

I closed my eyes trying to force sleep, but it was miles away from me.

I thought of going to Tupac and Bigie's room, but i thought otherwise because they might be gambling and i might be tempted to join them, in the process the 10k with me might develop wings.

I thought of going to Big boys cutz to gist with Baba jay and Snoop, but the weather was too hot for a gist.

So i lay on the bed with my eyes closed still pleading with sleep to come.

"Opopo come!" Tega called from the bathroom.

Few seconds later, i heard the bathroom door shut.

Not up to 5minutes later, i heard a noise like someone was moaning.

"this Kate sef, this kin hot afternoon nahim person dey wayah her" I said within, thinking it was Kate that was moaning.

Suddenly i heard, "Papa Ejima good afternon oh" it was Kate greeting Papa Ejima outside.

That was when it dawned on me that Kate wasn't the person moaning.

I stood up, tip toed and stuck my ears to the window, i noticed the moaning wasn't coming from Kate's room, neither was it coming from Papa Ejima's room. It seemed it was coming from within the room.

"this Tega and Opopo una bad oh, una dey watch b'lue film for inside bathroom and una no call me make i follow una watch" I said to myself.

I tip toed to the bathroom door to "flatscreen" if Tega and Opopo were watching B'lue film on their phone.

What i saw! What i saw!! What i saw!! Even if i had hundred mouths, i still wouldn't be able to narrate.

I saw S'odomy.

Tega was giving Opopo d'og style.

I wept.

Save Opopo, Tega didn't look like "Marvin g'ay" to me.

"them no dey write am for face oh" I told myself.

Why must "Fame" and "Money" be identical twins with their elder brother and sister as G'.ayism and L'.esbianism? Is a question for Google.

As i continued watching how Tega rammed Opopo so hard from behind, i promised myself that Tega would never sleep by my side at night. Never!!

ambivalentstate: Checking of staffs in the office; Folorunsho Williams! Response; present Sir, Tunde Jide! Present Sir, Joseph John! Present sir,Goodluck Sambo! Present Sirn Ebele Namadi! Present Sir,Eke Peter! Eke Peter!! Have any of you seen him today? Yes Sir he is in Nairaland!

You got me rolling on the floor laughing with this.

She bent down to pick up the rope and i caught a pictorial view of her a'.ss.

"help me tie it here pls" she pleaded.

As i collected the rope from her, the warmth of her hand increased my blood pressure, my cholesterol level also increased.

I don already full my pocket with c'.ondom, because i had been noticing the "Green light" she always beamed anytime i came around.

She stood close to me, backing me, as i tied the rope, my erected d'ick was evenly stroking her soft a'.ss.

"pls take it easy" she said.

"wetin i go take easy? Na the rope wey i dey tie for up, abi na as my p'rick dey rub you bakassi" I almost said.

"i will" I muttered.

At that moment, i was already losing grip of the rope because of the sweet sensation my brain was recieving.

I took a panoramic view to see her neat c'.leavage staring at me smiling. I smiled back and assured myself; "am coming for you".

From all indications, she was ready to give it to me just how i wanted it. If not for anything, but for the cold weather.

"are you through" She muttered.

The perfume she wore smelled nicely that it made my d'ick stood harder.

"almost!" I replied. I was 75% sure i was "almost" close to taking her clothes off.

From above, my hand moved to touch her b',reast, i thought she would make a statement like; "why did you do that", instead I heard her giggled.

That was an approval, so i f',ondled first with my right hand, and then with both hands.


She gave me a hand as i fumbled to remove her gown.

At the sight of her huge b'.reast, i muttered, "my oh my!!".

My mouth watered for a kiss. I did kissed. I kissed and was lost in the kiss.

The blue light that shone on us made me saw nothing but B'.reast! B'.reast!! B'.reast!!. I saw so many b'.reast like i was seeing double.

I moved a finger to her n'.ipple and tickle it a bit, she moaned in response, and i removed my T-shirt to reveal my thick chest. And also my seven-packs, which she c'aressed with so much dexterity.

She was neatly shaved down there, while i was a Sahara desert. Her p'.ussy looked so juicy and inviting.

As i removed my trouser, my erected d'ick hurried out of my boxers like a Spring.

As she c'aressed my d'ick, i couldn't hold back, so i quickly removed a pack of C.'ondom from my trouser pocket and wore it. I no know whether na me dey wear C'.ondon, abi na C'.ondom dey wear me oh.

At that moment, my d'.ick was about 10inches long, and i saw that it seemed her p'.ussy was Speaking Swahili.

She c'aressed my d'ick again as i moved to her, hungry for action. She pushed me, and i lazily landed on a table by the corner.

It was as if i went to the Gym to work out my d'ick before i came to see her that evening, the muscles in my d'ick was as hard as Aso rock.

She climbed me and i held her l'.aps with my both hands so she wouldn't fall off, breaking my d'ick in the process.

She pounded me like a Yoruba woman would do to Iyan.

Iyan means Pounded Yam. If you think say i dey lie, ask anybody from Ekiti state.

Up and down, she went moaning so loud that i thought someone passing by might hear us.

Nobody would pass by, i was sure, unless of course that person was with an Unbrella because it was raining heavily.

She continued pounding, not minding that the table i sat on was shaky.

I glanced at the door to see that it wasn't locked, that was less a problem, the main problem at that moment was that i was on the verge of falling off the table.

Her huge pair of b'.reast jumped up and down as she pounded harder, so i thought it right to hold them from pulling off. I started f'.ondling them.

But it seemed my f'.ondling was really hurting her unlike before, she removed my both hands, holding them, making it looked like she was riding a Power Bike.

Her holding my both hands and riding was fun, but i feared that i might fall off the shaky plastic table and one of the high-heel shoes on the floor might pierce through my a'.sshole.


From the table, we moved to the floor. If i was Manchester United and she was Chelsea Fc, the floor was my Old Tradford. Her striker Torres scored a goal on the table because i wasn't comfortable, while my striker Roney scored a hat-trick on the floor. I won the UEFA Champions league.

My trophy was the bulk of clothes she gave me. Jeans, T-shirts, long sleeves, short sleeves, and even face caps filled the bag.

I collected my Tupaco and Kpatalico Jewelleries money from her and left her Boutique after the rain stopped.

I thought of not taking the clothes home to my stingy friends, but i thought otherwise because there was enough to go round, and because the clothes were strictly "Osho free".

Osho free means Free of charge.

On my way, i stopped over at an electrical equipment store to buy Kate's socket.



I know say una been dey think say na Kate i wayah, so i for win the money wey guys bet for her head. Well, sorry to disappoint you guys. That was how it went.

Austinodark: But Flow,why una dey fear this Kate like that

When we reach there you go know

texanomaly: I'm laughing at your story...I still don't know what you said earlier...something about being white, fathers, husband, child, I don't know. and thanks for the dedication

How you take know say "white, father and child" dey for wetin i talk?

O di ka e wughi onye ocha o. E wu onye Igbo gara Obodo Oyibo.

I dedicate this late night update to Joshine4good and texanomaly.

"my electric socket is no more working, pls one of you should come and help me fix it" Kate said to those that sat under the Mango tree the next morning, amongst them was the ever cheerful Flow.

"Flow shebi na Physics you study for University?" Man inquired.

"yes na, i studied Physics and i graduated with first class" I said to Kate's hearing, make she know say i no be "O-O" when i dey school.

O-0 is not the scores in a table tennis match, it is what is said to refer to someone that is an Olodo, someone that came to pass time in school, a person that is not studious. O-O is an acronym for "Ogbu Oge" in Ibo. And Ogbu Oge literally means a Lazy person.

"since you graduate with first class, go help her repair her socket na" Brainbox said.

"i just dey shine for Kate una no know, how i go graduate with first class for Physics? I wan run mad?" I nearly said.

True talk. It was almost impossible to graduate with a first class in Physics in my school, since time immemorial only one student had achieved the feat. I saw Physics as the hardest course in the whole wide World. The course was for mad men.

Little wonder a lecturer in our department then told us he wasn't normal, that he was mad, and that everybody that studied Physics in one way or the other was mad.

Sorry to say, he meant Schrodinger was mad, Isaac Newton was "madder", Herbert Einstein was "maddest". Maybe the vehicle of madness drove these great "Maddist" or rather Physicist to their graves, or maybe not.


Kate's room was a convention female room; make-up kit here and there, about a million shoes, pyramid of dirty clothes, unkept wardrobe, lack of cross ventillation, ecetera.

Even if i was blind, i would know i was in a female room because of the smell, it really smelled nice.

"here is the screw driver" Kate offered, as i tried to pray my d'ick down after it stood up immediately i saw two G'-strings dangling at her wardrobe directly above my head. I did my possible best for her not to see my "screw driver" as it stood while she offered me the screw driver.



The aroma of the fried Chicken i was percieving gave me the strength i needed to unscrew the nut of the socket.

"i go chop chicken oh" I nearly said.

As i opened the socket, i discovered that it was burnt, and i informed her.

"how much will it cost me to get a new one?" She asked.

"five thousand naira" my tongue slipped.

"five thousand naira is too much for an ordinary socket na" She said.

"sorry! ehnnnnn! I mean five hundred naira" i stammered.

Why i was saying crap at that moment was because i saw her tied a Towel round her s'exy body, it seemed she wanted to go take her bath.

At that moment, my screw driver started screwing it's way out of my boxers heading to my trouser.


"the original of it is one thousand naira, while the fake is five hundred naira" I informed.

"i will go for the original" She said.

"here is the money, use the rest for transport" She offered me 1500naira.

"i don play this one wayo, socket wey i go buy 300naira nahim i tell her say na 1k" I said to myself.

"why don't you couple back the spoilt one for now, when you buy the new one you will remove it" She suggested.

"i will" I said, but my eyes were on her a'.ss as she walked to the bathroom.

"if you are through, pls help me close the door" She said as she walked into the bathroom.

I thought she was referring to the bathroom door, so i said, "i will gladly do so".

When i knew she wasn't referring to the bathroom door was when she shut it.

I thought of "Flatscreening" but there was no pinhole.


I had totally forgotten i had exposed the n'.aked wires, and without looking, i placed my hand on them.

The shock wasn't child's play, my whole body shook unevenly.

Suddenly, something landed on my head, something like a rope.

I removed the "crown" on my head, and saw that it was one of the G'-strings that was initially dangling above my head, the blue one to be precise.

I had seen G'-strings on Tv, but that was the first day i saw it in reality.

"this thing really be like Catapult oh" I said within, as i held the Catapult or rather G'-string with my left hand.

"how this thing go take enter Kate sef, e too small na" I thought i said that within, not knowing i said it out.

"Flow! Who are you talking to?" Kate asked from the bathroom.

"Catapult!!" I mistakenly responded.

"who is Catapult?" She asked.

"Catapult is the make of the socket, i am just saying it so i wouldn't forget the make and buy another make" I lied.

As i tried raising my hand to hang the Catapult or rather G'-string back to where it fell from, i mistakenly touched the n'.aked wires again, this time i felt heavy breeze blew me to the ground.

"Flow! What is the problem!" Kate was shocked at the noise my falling made.

"nothing, i saw a Cockroach" I answered.

Josphine4good: Flow u are the best keep it up

And thats my first wife.

texanomaly: thanks u make a comment like that, then you run away...chicken sh.t
interpretation: coward

texanomaly na Oyibo true true oh. I been no know until i view her picture now now.

texanomaly e wu onye ocha nwa nna ya di ojii. Ask the next Ibo person for the meaning. I guess you will see plenty Ibos where you are

PS: No worry i go dey interpret for you, now wey i know say you be Oyibo. OR SO I TOT

backtop: Guy u and man wey dey reason dey chop oooooooooooo, flow more I dey kampe dey wait ur yarns. Makin sense juooooooo.

I go try backtop.

BTW where is Josphine4good my first wife? Its been a while oh. Who don see her?

Horlardorjah: Maddest craziest man ever liveth. Always on point MR FLOWIE. Ur head is dearest

Thank you, your head is also dearest.

Obele looked shorter to me as we arrived. I measured that my knee was a bit below his shoulder.

As we sat, i was wondering the amount of food that would fill our tanks, maybe a pyramid of Noodles would do.

"Obele give us Indomie and fried Egg, and Bread and Custard" Guess who ordered for that? Man!! Man wey dey reason out food.

"abi una no go like chop Hamburger and S'.perm?" He added.

"which one be Hamburger and S'.perm again?" asked Bigie.

"Hamburger na when you open your Agege Bread, com put Indomie and Fried Egg inside, com close am" Man explained.

"S'.perm na Custard wey them put plenty powder Milk inside" He further explained.

"na wetin me and my friends dey call am that time wey i dey Sok town" He added.

Man was a man of so many code names, nicknames, and guynames. He could give Kulikuli and Garri a palatable name that would make it sound like a continental dish.

Don't try checking up "guyname", you wouldn't find a word like that in the English dictionary. Unless of course you check it up in an Oxford Advanced learner's Pidgin dictionary. "Guyname" is a pidgin word that is said to refer to a funny name given to a Noun.

A Noun is the name of a person, animal, place or thing. Abi you no go primary school?

That means "Obj" is the guyname of Chief Olusegun Obasanjo, "GEJ" is the guyname of Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, and "High Tension" was the former guyname of Eke Ugochukwu Peter.


"Obele na powder Milk you go put for the Custard oh, and you no go let the Egg over fry oh" Man ordered.

"Flow i go need that memory card wey i give you that day, i don buy another phone" Tupac said.

"guy make i tell you true oh, i no see the memory card again, e don lost" I said expecting him to yell or bark at me, or both.

"you don jonz oh, memory card wey that B'.itches over B'.itches video dey nahim you go lost" He said.

Jonz is not the name of a French Footballer, it sometimes means someone has messed up, and it sometimes means someone is being s'.tupid, it depends on the statement it is used.

"and we for use that video chop more money from Mama Ejima oh" Man said.

"no worry, you know wetin dem dey write for the end of film wey be part one na" I said.

"wetin?" Brainbox asked.

"them go write WATCH OUT FOR PART TWO" I said and they all laughed.

I was sure there would be a part two to the movie B'.itches over B'.itches. Or so i tot.


Hamburger and S'.perm was served after i had Salivated so much. The Custard really looked like S'.perm, but the Noodles, fried Egg and Bread was not yet Hamburger, unless they go through the "combination" process Man explained.


We all watched keenly as Man divided his Bread into two almost equal halves, took almost half of his Egg and several spoons of his Noodles, placed them carefully on one half of the Bread, and said; "as e don dey like this, the next thing na to clap your hand".

"which one be clap your hand again na?" Tupac asked.

"see wetin be clap your hand here" He replied, as he placed the other half of the Bread on the half with the Noodles and Fried Egg, he did that with so much dexterity.

That was really a "clap" that gave life to a Hamburger. Man's Hamburger.


"Man how you take sabi to do Hamburger? e make sense oh" Brainbox said after we had all clapped out our Hamburgers.

"you no know say i don do Mai shai that time wey i dey Sok Town" He answered.

Mai shai is not a Korean name, neither is it the name of a place in China, it is what Hausas call someone that prepares Tea(not Tramadol oh!) for commercial consumption. Noodles, Fried Egg and S'.perm or rather Custard is always in the Menu of most Mai shai(Hausa people, i spell am well abi?).

Hamburger and S'.perm was really an unending meal, i couldn't finish it, the more i ate the more it multiplied, i was practically pleading with the food to finish. That day was the first day in a long while that i left a delicious meal unfinished.

"Remnant" was a word that could not be found in my dictionary, and would never be.

I was a perfect description of the Ibo saying; "kàmá ó gà dó n'ité, ká ó dóró nà àfò".


I no go interpret that one oh!! Ask the next Ibo person you see.




Instead of the food to be saved in the Pot, let it be saved in the Stomach. Na wetin e mean.

Dear Nairalanders,
There wouldn't be updates today and tomorrow, i am currently not close to a medium/access to the internet. But hopeful by tomorrow night i will be back and i promise to make it up to you guys. Pls accept my sincere apology.

YOURS FLOWING,
FLOW.

[quote author=Garri_Activist]Flowey from Tupaco, Have you had your Garri today?[/quote]I have. I just had Garri and Beans for lunch

4kizo: Stop quoting nd update

have i ever disappointed you with updates. Atleast, i try to update once a day despite my busy schedule.

If i am unable to finish the story before my birthday, i will continue.

I never expected you of all people to alter this 4kizo.

Well, human beings can't be satisfied no matter what, that i know.


BUT STILL I FLOW.

texanomaly: Thank you

You really don't know how to speak and write Pidgin? Are you kidding me? Are you for real?

Then how have you been reading this story?

Are you a Nigerian at all? Or you are from Swaziland?

because i hardly have seen a Nigerian home and abroad that does'nt understand Pidgin, even my 11years old Ajebutter cousin wey dey form yanky pekin dey scatter pidgin, take less of you wey dem born here.

Tell us true na!!

At this Ungodly hour, people are still viewing. Una no dey sleep?

For all you w'itches and w'izards that don't sleep at night, thats another update to keep you busy.

Kingso23: ...''Flow!, Flow!!'' stll no answer ''smsh mke i go bakyrd go moke 1 rap of igbo generously laced wf S .K so dt i go fit reason whre dz boy put head'' or so i tot, as i near bkyrd i come de hear some kind noise ...'uuuugh yeeeeeeehhh, harder baby, yeeeesss'... ''Whre dz noise de come 4rom na?'' i tot, as i waka go front small e come be say na 4rom kate window as i say mke i peep see wetin de hapen, wetin my eyes see authomatically send signal give my john thomas wer quickly raise head like agama lizard, ''eeeeeeeeehhhhhhh, so dm kate nd mama Ejima plan nw na to use kpoma kill flow eh? Una plan dn fail,'' or so i tot, i jejely romove my jeans hold 4 hand dn i jump enter d room through window, naso i see flow, mama ejima nd kate dm fear as dn suprise as dm see me '' oya mke una no fear, na as i see say una de play 2 against 1 nahim mke i say mke i come rescue flow wt my weapon of kpomo distruction'' naso i grab kate heavy bumper, connect am 4rom bk dn begin hammer...

Kingso23 you got me cracking with this.

You are very funny. Or so i tot.

"Man you bad oh, see as you use your Taley stop that fight wey Papa Ejima and Haruna dey fight that day, guy you get sense no be small" I said to Man two days later.

I was beginning to Love Man, no g'.ayism pls. He could be best described as my brother from another Mother. He had done it all, he had seen it all, and he had also said it all. What more can i say, he was numero uno in all and Sundry. At 24 he had done what a 94years old had not done.

"i just want make them stop the fight nahim make me dey laugh as that bottle land for my head" Man replied.

"but guy i think say you don mad oh, i swear" I said.

"how i go mad?" He answered.


"ehen! wetin you say you score for JAMB sef?" Brainbox asked Man.

"oboy i score 600 oh" He answered.

"ehennn! this your big head nahim you use write JAMB com score 600 out of 400? That means say JAMB dey owe you 200" Brainbox tapped Man on the head.

"guy no ever slap my head again, unless you wan turn to Lizard" Man warned.

"which one be say if person slap you small for head him go turn to Lizard na? Abi your head na Gold?" I queried.

His head really shone like Gold. It was Pure Gold and Egg-shaped. Walking with him, one wouldn't need to look for a mirror, his head was mirror. Walking with him, one wouldn't need to also look for a Map, his head was Map of the World.

Man was really scaring me like a wild animal by the day. I saw him as a devil incanate. To make matters worse, he wore a new bald look.

My people make una imagine say person wey him skin black like back of Pot com go barb Afarikorodo style, and that same person na Talley Master, shey you no go dream bad dream if you sleep near the person for night?

So i promised myself i wouldn't sleep by the side of Man no matter what. It was better i slept outside the room than for me to sleep by the side of a Lord Spiritual.


"I don tell you oh, if you slap my head again, anything wey happen to you, take am like that oh" Man warned.

"okay we don hear, wetin you get for JAMB na?" Tupac asked.

"na my JAMB result be this" He brought out a sheet of paper from his pocket and handed it over to Tupac.

"wetin be him score?" I curiously asked.

Tupac smiled and said; "him score na two ninety". I thought i heard ninety, so i started laughing.

"why you dey laugh na? No be better result?" Man asked.

"you get 90 out of 400 and you dey ask me whether na better result, e be like say you get malaria oh" I said with all the part of my body laughing.

"na your Papa nahim get 90, no be me" He cursed.

"my Papa no write JAMB na" I answered.

"no be 90 you get?" I queried.

"Flow no be 90 him get oh, na 290" Tupac corrected me.

"okay 290, i think say na 90 you talk oh" I said.

"Flow so your prayer na make i get 90 for JAMB abi? you no want my progress, You be my enemy ba?" Man mentioned.

"no na, i no hear wetin Tupac talk well, how i go be your enemy" I said.

How would i find enemity in no one else but Man. Man the "Dibia". Unless of course i would love to see how life is in the animal world of a Lizard.

Dibia is not referring to a short form of the Surname of the Nigerian Musician Tuface Idibia. What the Yorubas call Babalawo is what the Ibos call Dibia.

"guy you try oh, which school you choose sef?" Bigie asked.

"na FUTO oh" Man answered.

"FUTO na my former school na, me and Tupac rugged that school no be small" Bigie said.

"try make you play Egede oh, na the Game wey we play that time wey we dey there" Tupac advised.

Egede here is not referring to "plaintain" which is "Ogede" in Yoruba language. It is the name members call themselves. What i so loved about members was how they start a conversation when they call themselves on phone, they replace saying "Hello!!" with saying "Egede melody!!".


"how i go join cult, i dey craze?" Man said.

I was sure he wouldn't join a cult, he would own a cult. With his Talley talent, he could easily get followers. Or so i tot.

"i wan do all of una well oh" Tupac announced.

He never meant he wanted to dig us a Well, he meant he wanted to buy us food. That was the slang He and Bigie manufactured.

"you be correct man, i dey hungry well well sef" Brainbox said.

"Brainbox you be Natty, you too like food" I said.

Natty isn't a short form for the name of the American musician Nate Dog(of blessed memory), it was gotten from the name of the award winning glutton Natty in the comedy soap opera; "The Masquerade" featuring Chief Zebrudia.


"make we go chop for Obele eatery na" Man made it sounded like Obele canteen was as beautiful as Crunchies Owerri. Or like it was a Chinese restaurant.

"where be Obele eatery?" Tupac asked.

"when we reach there you go know" was Man's answer.

T gold: Come to think of It, Flow dey Ignore me since.... I bet U say i don carry Man's Talley, i go use am nak u 4 head, so tey u go dey waka barefooted 4rm facebook to Twitter bt u go lost 4 road if u dey Find Nairaland....

Dnt mind mua o, na bcoz am a die hard fan o

Am not ignoring you, atleast now you know.

So, Male or Female? Or both?