₦airaland Forum

bammo: Not every housa person is like that. People are different frm each other(even twin brothers). So before u start making fun of everyone born in the north, Just know that it isn't funny 2 them.

I am an Ibo boy, but in this story i said a Snake isn't as dangerous as an Ibo person. I don curse Ibo tayah na.

Some people love their tribe so much as if they told God the tribe they would like to be before they were born.

No pun intended, especially Yorubas. I have been with them almost all my life, so i know what i am saying.

After una go say una want one Nigeria.

Thats why i love Ibos, they can eat Amala for Breakfast, Tuwo shinkafa for Lunch, and Akpu for Dinner. Little wonder you find them in the Cardinal points of Nigeria.

Nigeria go better, but it begins with you.


STILL I FLOW.

opeano: nna mehn, flow tanx for dis update tonyt o, av been kipin tab here since, refreshin and defreshin. Finally u dropped sth. More succesful expos for ur next exams.

Thanks to you also, for reading. Or so i tot.

"Bigie e no go better for your Papa? Na you go die" I grabbed his shirt firmly.

"wetin i do na?" He shouted.

"why you tell them Snoop say we don die" I queried.

"na Tupac say make we tell them like that oh, na play na" Bigie cried.

"which kin play be that? Them dey use death play?" I queried.

"God save una say i dey happy today, i for show una wetin make them dey call me Flow" I freed him.

"wetin make them dey call you Flow sef?" I asked myself.

"na because i be strong man na" I told myself.

"dey there dey decieve yourself, you no get Talley like Man, you dey say you be strong man" I heard a voice. I thought it was Bigie's voice.

"wetin you talk? You dey curse me abi?" I yelled at him.

"i no talk anything oh? How i go curse you" He answered.

Who said that then? I asked myself. Maybe an Angel did. Angel of Talley.

Just then, i saw Man walked towards where we stood.

"so na only me stand here dey hala for Bigie since, this mumu Man no even follow me" I said within.


"but wetin we tell them na true na, una two be like people wey don die" Bigie said and ran.

"na your Papa go die" Man chased him.

"Man leave am na, no pursue am" Immediately i said that, an Iroko tree fell.

Man fell "yakata" to the ground.

Yakata is not a Chinese Name, neither is it the name of a Chinese meal, it is the word said in Pidgin to refer to someone that falls flat to the ground.

I laughed so hard that me too almost fell to the ground.

He turned, and when i saw sand all over his face, my laughter increased. He looked like Lagbaja.

The ringing of my phone brought my laughter to a stop. It was Nas calling.

He told me that second semester had started and that i needed to go register the course i was spilling over.

Before i finished recieving the call, i saw Man walking towards the gate and rubbing off his sandy face.

"Man where you dey go na?" I asked him.

"them say JAMB result don comot, make i go check my own" He answered.

"you baf so?" I needed to ask.

"i no baf, that time wey i enter bathroom, you know wetin i go do there?" Man said.

"wetin you go do there?" I was curious.

"i s'hit for toilet, pack the s'hit with my hand, com rub am for my body, i baf with s'hit" Man said smiling.

"oyibo people dey call am s'hit bath" He laughed.

"i don answer you na? As you sabi ask r'ubbish question, if i no baf e concern you?" He queried.


I asked that not to make a jest of him, but to confirm if what i had about him was true.

Baba Jay once told me that Man hardly took his bath. That the day he took his bath once a day could be regarded as his Birthday. He told me that were it not because Man worked as a Kponkponist, he would had been following his former routine of taking his bath once in two days.

That was true, since we went on Kponkpon break, i noticed he had only taken his bath twice.

Well, Man was an Aboki, partial Aboki though, and Abokis are known enemies of Sponge, Soap and Water. Show me an Aboki that is fair in complexion and i will prove to you that Queen Elizabeth of England is an Ibo woman. An ibo woman from Enugu, with her Ibo name as Elinwamma.


"guy make e be say you pass this JAMB oh, because your mate don finish University oh" Brainbox said.

"if i no pass am nkor? shey na your Papa go pay my school fees?" Man replied.

As Man walked majestically to the gate, i admired his Afarikorodo haircut from behind. What i never knew was that a bottle would be smashed on that head within seconds.


All of a sudden, we saw two people struggled into the compound like Rugby players. One of them was with a bottle, the other was with something that looked like dagger.

"i go shok you dis dagger today" That was Haruna.

"them no born you well, unless you wan die" That was Papa Ejima.

They had torn each other's cloth, and i saw blood stains on Papa Ejima's singlet.

They continued fighting like two puppies while I and Brainbox watched like we were watching UEFA Champions league final. Man the "good Samaritan" went to separate them.

Haruna held Papa Ejima firmly not giving him the chance to send his Killer punch to his face and send him to his untimely grave.

Papa Ejima managed to free himself and instead of sending a Killer punch to Haruna's face, i saw him raised his hand wanting to smash the bottle he held on Haruna's head.

The bottle wasn't smashed on Haruna's head but on Man's head.

Make una come see Film trick oh! I saw no blood gushing out of Man's head, neither did i see any wound. My eyes went straight to his thumb, Mr Talley ring seated comfortably there.

Make una see wahala oh! Person wey dem burst bottle for him head begin dey laugh oh.

I was f'.ucking scared. S'hit nearly comot for my nyash. Infact e comot.

Nna mehn!! People wey dey fight sef stop fight dey look Man as him dey laugh.

I had lost a friend to M.adness. Or so i tot.

valboy20: una too dey find fault.

you fink you the only Yoruba here?

must you get noticed?

some followers sef, i tire o

I wonder oh.

As I and Man entered the compound, Mama Ejima and Kate ran into their rooms with a great speed.

"why dem this one dey run na?" I asked Man.

"when we reach house you know" He answered.

"i no blame una, that una Video still dey oh, na this jeans pocket i put the memory card wey the video dey" I dipped my hand into my pocket. To my greatest surprise, the memory card wasn't in it.

"how this memory card take disappear na? E been dey for my pocket before police arrest me na " I was sure of that.

"abi e fall comot when those Policemen say make we comot our cloth?" I asked myself.

It was certain Tupac would eat me for breakfast for misplacing his memory card, what wasn't certain was whether he would eat me raw or cooked.

As i was about stepping into our room, i heard; "Flowey!! Flowey!!" it was a female voice. I initially thought what i heard was; "Flour!! Flour!!" maybe the person was calling a Flour seller.

"i never see where them dey kiri flour before oh" I said to myself. And i turned to see what a Flour seller would look like.

Kiri is not the short form for the name of the prison Kirikiri, it is the Pidgin word said to refer to someone hawking wares on his/her head. That means a Pure water hawker would be referred to as a Pure water "Kirier", also a Beans hawker would be referred to as Beans "Kirier".

The person i saw was too beautiful to be a Flour dealer not to talk of a Flour Kirier.

It was the ever b'.reastful Florence.

"how this one take know where i dey stay?" I asked myself, as she walked towards me, she wasn't walking alone, she walked side by side with her two mighty b'.reast, one on her left and one on her right.

"omoh mehn! This one dey come for wrong time oh" I said within.

She really came at the wrong time. My breath was smelling like soak-away because i had not brushed my teeth for three days, my face was unkept because there was a forest of beard in it, my body was smelling like that of a He-goat, not only that, my skin looked like the skin of someone infected with Chicken pox, the marks of mosquito bites in my skin looked like i had Tatoo all over my body.

"howdy Florence!" I greeted.

"am fine, and u?" She said.

"am fine" I replied.

"am not fine oh" I nearly said.

She smiled and said; "i was calling you before you entered into the compound but you didn't hear me".

"why i go hear? You no know say my ear don block" I nearly said.

The kind of heavy slaps Commando landed on my head in the cell not just made me deaf, it made me dumb also.

"you are looking drop dead gorgeous" I complimented.

"thank you, you are looking good too" She said.

"Me wey just dey comot for Police station nahim you dey say i am looking good, clap for yourself" I nearly said.

"i just want to know when you will be bringing more Jewelleries, i have sold almost all the ones with me" She informed.

"am sorry i haven't come to see you all this while, my company workers are on strike, the workers of my company are on strike over none payment of salary" I said a Big fat lie. Call me Linus Sulieman the Manufacturer of Lies.

"okay, when will you guys call off the strike na?" She fell for my lie.

"we called it off today" I said.

"okay, thats good" She said.

"so i will come see you today, i will supply you today" She caught my eyes staring at her B'.reast.

"pls give me a hug, pls, pls, pls" I nearly said.

"okay, see you in the evening" She turned to leave without giving me the much awaited hug.

Her parting frame was the direct opposite of her B'.reast, it was as flat as my Technical drawing board when i was in secondary school.

"bye bye!" I waved her.

"Flow that your babe fine oh" Tupac walked towards me.

"guy she no fine like that for my eye oh" I responded.

"you blind na" He said.

"na your Papa first blind" I cursed.

"ehennnn! Tupac you don bring another market for necklace abi?" I inquired.

"yes i don bring plenty market, fine fine ones, na yesterday i bring am" He replied.

"okay i go come after make i come take my own necklace" I said as i walked into our room.

All eyes were on me. I saw Brainbox hurriedly left were he sat to seat elsewhere.

"una wicked oh, una no see Me and Man for three days, and una no ask wetin happen to us" I angrily said.

"guy we think say una don die na" Brainbox said.

"na all of una go die, no be us" Man who just came out of the bathroom said.

"guy na true oh, Tupac and Bigie tell us say Policemen shot una gun, una com die, them the Policemen com carry una dead-body go" Baba jay said.

"we dey morn una nahim make we no open Barbing salon for two days" Snoop said.

"you no see say all of us wear black shirt?" Brainbox said.

"yeeeeeeeh! I go kill Tupac and Bigie today" I and Man yelled as we dashed out of the room.

Make una no vex say i no update since oh. I was very busy.


STILL I AM FLOW.

I fasted for two days.

Fasting without prayers.

I broke my fast by 6pm with the Urine soaked Bread we were given.

Although the Bread smelled of Urine, it tasted nice. Maybe what i percieved wasn't Urine but Jam.

That meant we ate Jam and Bread.

But i was sure those loaves of Bread were soaked in Urine and dried before they were given to us.

That was less a problem, the Sun stayed in the cell with us.

The cell was hot. Pipping hot.

The cell was crowded, so crowded that i could barely breathe.

That was less a problem, Mosquito chop my body like Suya.

Mosquitoes feasted on me like Bee to Nectar, they saw my skin as a Nightclub to club on.

That was less a problem, the cell smelled nice.

Fragrance of poo made the cell smelled heavenly.

That was less a problem, my back was a seat althrough. A seat for a guy named Commando.

Commando was the direct opposite of the Actor Arnold Swanchneiger(e be like say i no spell am well). He was Lanky, unkept, bushy hair, skinny, charcoal black teeth, burgundy red eyes, Elephant trunk-like Nose, Kpormor lips, Coke and Fanta skin. Thats all.

Thats not all oh, his fart was a Time bomb. It came within every 30seconds interval, and it came poco a poco.

Poco a poco means little by little. And don't you ask me what Language it is, because me sef no know.

For two days, my back was Commando's Cushion. Leather Cushion, because my back was gradually turning Leather.

Commando was an inmate that took leadership of the cell upon himself because he was there before us.

Why my back became his Leather Cushion was because i insulted him for stepping on me when we first came. Man supported me to insult him, so his punishment was to fan Commando the Commander.

I was his Cushion while my friend Man was his standing fan.

I woke up the third morning speaking in tongues. Not speaking in tongues because i was praying, but speaking in tongues because i was Cold. The combination of my shivering and gnashing of teeth sounded like i was speaking in tongues.

I gnashed my teeth because our release wasn't forthcoming.


"why you dey pray? We no need noise here oh" Commando yelled at me that cold morning, i guessed that was his "good morning".

"i no dey pray oh" I replied.

"wetin you com dey do so?" He yelled more shivers into my Lungs.

"i dey sing" I thought someone else said that. But when i knew i actually said it was when he said; "so you sabi sing sef".

"i just dey praise God" I was saying all these without my brain, or rather with my brain shut down.

Why wouldn't my brain shut down? When i could feel my spinal cord almost breaking to pieces.

Why wouldn't my brain shut down? When i was dead famished.

"oh! So you dey praise God" He slapped me on my head. As he did that, i started hearing a tick-tock sound as if the World clock was in my head.

"make i no praise my God again?" I said with heavy lips.

I really needed to praise God so He would take me from "behind bars" to "in front of bars" just the way He did in the Bible to Paul and Silas, i think.

As Man continued fanning Commando, my eyes went to his fingers, what i saw shocked me. He wasn't wearing his ring. He wasn't wearing his magical Talley.

"so them those policemen remove Man ring and them no turn to Rat?" I asked myself.

"abi the Talley no dey work again? Why Man no disappear comot for here na? Abi them the policemen dey use Talley sef? Abi na Man remove the ring by himself? Abi Man no wan just disappear?" I asked myself uncountable questions.


I was still lost in my thoughts when i felt something penetrating into my a'.sshole. I turned and saw that it was a finger of one of the inmates. My boxers was torn and he passed his finger through the hole to my a'.sshole.

"guy stop that thing, abi you dey mad" I left where i was standing to stand elsewhere.

"but wetin tear my boxers for nyash sef?" I asked myself. The answer to that question was that i had farted about 200times since i came behind bars.

"nna mehn! Na my mess tear my boxers oh" I concluded because my boxers tore directly opposite my a'.sshole.

Why wouldn't my fart tear my boxers? When my stomach was running because of the urine soaked bread i ate.

I continued shivering and gnashing my teeth or rather speaking in tongues, when i heard two Policemen walked to our cell and one of them said; "those boys wey be cultist, if una hear una name make una dey comot one by one" He opened the cell.

That was when it dawned on me that they arrested us because they thought we were cultist.

He mentioned Seven names, and i didn't hear mine. He kept repeating a particular name; Ugochukwu Eke. My mind told me the name sounded familiar.

"present Oga officer!! na my name sir!!" I cried out.

pcaliphate: I still maintian my stand! Flow, because of your Compos Mentis, you are E Pluribus Unum.

Thank you. I will never disappoint you. I promise.

alfablondy: Oga flow. I dey gbadun u. I was really behind for 6 weeks, Good to know this story eventually made front page. My private jet took me from Indian ocean to the land of the Green and white, where I lost touch with Nairaland and your story. Now connecting from the desert. carry go!

alfablondy welcome back. We missed you.

"make we enter Ilya du Neked wire na, e don tay wey i drink Pammy oh" Man said in the evening of the next day as we sat at Big boys cutz.

"i go follow una go drink oh" Brainbox said.

"na which leg you go use waka go? Abi you go enter Aeroplane go?" I said.

"Una go carry me for back go na" Brainbox said.

"who go carry you for back?" I needed to know.

"na you na" He answered.

"me? Carry you? Make i carry you for back make people think say i wan use you go do sacrifice, abi you no know say you resemble wetin them wan use do sacrifice" I said what made customers at Big boys cutz laughed.

Brainbox looked not like a sacrificial Lamb but like a sacrificial Goat. With Plaster of Paris on his swollen leg and Bandage tied around his broken wrist, he looked like a survivor of a plane crash.


"next time if you see gym you go run" Man said.

"no mind Brainbox, make we dey go drink jor" Tupac said.

We had barely taken Seven steps when we saw a Toyota spider car drove into our compound.

The two persons i saw in the car were Tochi and his elder sister Kate.

"so this Tochi get motor?" I asked.

"him get na, you no know say him be Yahoo boy" Bigie answered.

"so this kin small boy get motor, nawa oh" I said.

"Tochi no be small boy oh, him just get baby face" Bigie stated.

"abeg make we hear word, the boy na small boy jor" Tupac said almost immediately.

"no dey talk wetin, you no know abeg, i know the guy pass you, i say him no be small boy" Bigie attacked.

"boy wey no fit pass 22years nahim you say no be small boy, you no get sense oh" Tupac raised his voice.

"na you no get sense, i dey tell you about person wey i know you dey talk r'ubbish" they were arguing. Just like they always argued about their late role models; Lasane Paris Crooks and Cristopher Wallace.

To me, Tochi was a "small boy".

If him be small boy, why you com dey fear am? You would ask.

Why i no go fear am, he was a cultist for pity's sake.

You nkor you no be cultist? You would further ask.

I was a retired Cultist, while he was a point 1 of Buccaneer.

Him no be man like you? You would still further ask.

Him no be one man oh, only him na "mans".

Oo Yes, "mans" is the plural of "man". Oyibo people go just dey decieve us, if the plural of "mango" is not "mengo", then why wouldn't the plural of "man" be "mans".

On a more serious note, one could hardly find Tochi alone without atleast two "mans" with him, because he was a cult leader.

If i was to Luckily find him alone without his "mans", i would surely beat the hell out of him like his elder i was. After beating Tochi the Leader of Buccaneer, the next and best thing for me to do would be to pack my bags and leave Owerri, or better still leave Nigeria, infact leave the World, because Buccaneer Confraternity is a Worldwide cult. So many "mans" worldwide would surely chase me to Planet Mars.


"wetin i know be say Tochi na small boy" They were still arguing.

"make una stop to dey drag jor, una never hear tori for town" I brought the argument to a stop.

The word "drag" isn't a mistake, it is the Pidgin interpretation of the English word "argue".

"wetin be the tori?" Bigie curiously asked.

"Police don arrest Chief Livinus" I announced.

"why dem arrest am na?" Tupac asked.

"dem say na him send dem Ade make dem kill Chief Ogbonna" Man said.

"ehennn! Why him kill am na?" Bigie inquired.

"him and Chief Ogbonna wan contest for Local government Chairman election, and him know say Chief Ogbonna go win the election nahim make him kill am" I told the story. I told it how i heard it, without missing words.

"nawa oh! People wicked oh! But who tell una this things sef?" Tupac asked.

"na Baba jay and Snoop, you know say na them dey dey house na" Man said.

"who tell two of them sef" Bigie asked. "when you reach house make you ask them" Man answered.


We had barely drank for 2minutes at Ilya du Neked wire when i saw two Police Vans suddenly parked. My dull brain initially thought the Policemen came to drink Pammy.

Some guys ran, i tried running also, but when i needed my legs the most, it failed me.


The next place i saw myself was in one of the vans.

I wept.

I looked left, i looked right, and i saw none of my friends amongst the guys that were with me in the first van. I guessed their legs saved them, while mine failed me.

I wept bitterly like bitterleaf.

I noticed that amongst the guys in the first van, i was the only person not putting on Kegite regalia. I looked to the other van and saw that about five guys were also not putting on the regalia.

Amongst the guys not putting on Kegite regalia, i saw a familiar face, but i wasn't seeing clearly, my eyes too were failing me.

I opened my eyes wide like the eyes of a Frog to see that the familiar face i saw was the face of my friend Man. Man wey dey reason.

omoadeleye: Dis story Dan dey dull oo, no ginger again

no be only Ginger, na Gallic.

You dey talk your mind sha.

chuks000: Has flow decided nt 2 continue wit d story?? **need 2 knw wia I stand, wether hia or my newspaper**

i guess you are asking that because you are new in this thread.

you better go back to your newspaper.

Psaalmuel: flowey enuf of u adding wot hapnd in past yrz na,jezt ride on wit d main jazz.. ;Dflowey enuf of u adding wot hapnd in past yrz na,jezt ride on wit d main jazz..

No wahala, i will do so. But as i write, i tend to remember the fun memories of way back then, thats why.

Tony's gym had increased in weight. The dumb-bells had become heavier, the barbell had also become heavier. Maybe it was because it had been long since i carried them last.

Tupac carried the barbell lying on the bench with so much dexterity, while i started coiling with the dumb-bell. That was what an experienced local "gymer" like me was suppose to start with. The program for local gym Nationwide was: Coiling with dumb-bell first, then benching with barbell, and finally pull-over with barbell.

Soon Brainbox joined Tupac benching, while i continued coiling.

"Brainbox why you dey shine your teeth na, shey na your teeth dey carry the gym?" I said to Brainbox.

"guy you no know say if i shine my teeth e go give me more strength to carry the gym well well" Brainbox said.

I will never forget my friend Akputu way back then. The guy's teeth always worked out with him whenever he was working out. Little wonder he had mighty teeth. Him smiling in the dark could scare the living daylight off someone. He was the Vampire i had seen.

Working out was his best food, little wonder he had the manly curves of someone that works out regularly. His second best food was Akpu and Okro soup. That was how he got the nickname Akputu. What a funny nickname.

It is only in the barracks that you will hear funny nicknames like: Fishboy, Akputu, Itirebor, Bros Sanu, Messosis, Kpata nla, Loud speaker, Na lie, Old age, Dog head, Captain Akamu(CA for short), Piss and Kunu(twin brothers), KuliKuli For All(KFA for short), Agama, Mangala, amongst others.


"this bench no good oh, e dey shake" Brainbox complained as he lay on the bench carrying the barbell.

"guy bone that thing, e good, no be me and you dey gym on top am? instead of you to talk say you no get power to carry, you dey talk another thing" Tupac said and smiled.

His smile reminded me of the late American rapper Tupac Amaru Shakur, he was really his look-alike; bald head, well built, six-pack, and straight nose.

Seeing Tupac's six-pack, i counted mine, and it was still seven-pack as it had always been since i started working out in my early teenage, three packs on the left and four packs on the right. Maybe the one pack that added to make it seven was "Jara" from God.

Jara isn't a football club by the name Jara Fc or Jara United, neither is it a Television station by the name Jara Tv, it means an extra of anything paid for that is given free of charge for the asking.


"guy you resemble Tupac wey dey sing oh" I had to say.

"Tupac na my senior brother na, i wan even write 2pac as Tattoo for my right chest, just like the type wey Tupac write for him chest the time wey him dey alive" Tupac informed.

"and them go shot you five bullet for your chest just like them shot Tupac" I nearly said.


I had finished coiling, it was time for me to bench, both of them had also finished benching, so we swapped.

What Brainbox complained about the bench was true, it was shaky.

As i benched, i prayed the bench wouldn't destroy leaving me and the barbell to sort ourselves. And what happened in 1999 wouldn't repeat itself.

What happened in 1999? You would ask.

June 23 1999 was Agama's first day at the gym, which happened to be my birthday, i was giving myself a birthday work out along with my friends. Then came the lanky Agama. He ordered us to serve him the heaviest of the barbells.

We were shocked.

But because Agama was our senior, we had to obey him, we never knew working out wasn't done by seniority but by strength.

To our surprise, Agama carried it lying on the bench and we started counting 1.2..3...4....5.....6...... And the last straw that broke the Camel's back or rather the last straw that broke the Camel's chest was when he tried raising it for the 7th time.

The barbell landed on his chest.

We all ran with our feet touching the back of our head.

I thought Agama had died.

When i got home, i slept from 5pm till the following morning. That kin by force sleep na.

I woke up in the morning to hear that Agama was rushed to the hospital. Who removed the barbell from his chest? Is a story for another day. What happened the next day is also a story for another day.

The barbell created an indelible mark in Agama's chest, making him have Nine-pack.

As Brainbox and Tupac continued coiling, i supervised them, correcting them where the need be.

As i stood close to Brainbox as he coiled, i heard; "craaaaaaaaaaak!!".


"yeeeeeeeaaaaah! Flow! Flow!! my hand don break oh!!" He cried.

He hastily dropped the dumb-bell. Guess where it landed?

His left foot.

Like what happened in 1999, i ran. Tupac also ran.

But onlike in 1999 we ran home to call the others.

plainmirror: Flow...!
We finally made frontpage!
Cheers!
*drinkin' champagne wit eggroll*

Champagne and Egg roll. Which kin combination be that?

vision2050: Flow try to go straight to the point, the diverse is funny but too much. I STILL FOLLOW.

okay Sir,

"Man don go write JAMB abi?" Tupac asked me one Saturday morning as we sat at Big boys cutz.

"yes oh, the guy don go write JAMB oh" I answered.

Were it to be possible for Man to write the Exam with the help of his Taley, he would surely had scored 400. But Taley no dey for this one oh, especially when it had to do with the dreaded Use of English.

I so much dreaded Use of English that when i wrote JAMB, i saw my question paper as a wild animal, i was so scared of it. The sections i hated the most were the sections that had to do with pronouncing English words. You needed to see my mouth when i tried pronouncing those words, it looked more like the mouth of a Fish.

Fish! Fish!! Fish!!! I will never forget how i got the name Fishboy. No be say my Mama dey sell Fish oh, neither was my Father a Fisherman.

There was this woman that fried Fish close to my Primary school back then. Saying her fried Fish was delicious is an understatement, her fried Fish was super delicious.

She always came out in the morning to fry, and on our way to school, we always bought her fried fish to eat as we walked to school.

I was a die hard customer of Mama Ochola's the fried fish Mama. Even if i forgot taking breakfast at home, i wouldn't bother, as far as i was sure i would buy Mama Ochola's fried Fish on my way to school.

Mama Ochola's Fish wasn't a Fish but an Elephant. Small but mighty. The more you ate, the more it increased.

Were Mama Ochola to be alive in the time of Our Lord Jesus Christ, I would had said it was her Fish that Jesus Christ multiplied to feed five thousand. But it wouldn't had been her Son Ochola that would had offered Jesus Christ the two fishes because he was very stingy. Stingy isn't the right word, he was a glutton.

He would steal his mother's fishes to school and refused sharing it with us.

Thank God it wasn't Mama Ochola's fishes that Jesus multiplied to feed the five thousand in the Bible, were it to be her fishes, there wouldn't had been remnant. because her fishes was capable of making one bite off his/her finger.


I had forgotten i kept my "choping money" in my school bag one morning, so i went to school without taking a dose of Mama Ochola's fish.

For those of you "Ajebutters" and Ajebutters wannabes, Choping money is not money you use in preparing vegetable soup you eat with Eba. Choping money is the money given by Parents to their Children to buy themselves Breakfast/Lunch in school. The other day i saw my 8years old cousin crying that he wanted to take Rice and stew to school and not Rice and Beans. I Laughed so hard because i wasn't even privileged to take Beans and Kpomor to school, not to talk of Rice and stew. Children now have Lunch boxes, then whoever brought food to school was considered from a rich home.


During break time in school, i searched my school bag properly and found the 50k.

Oh yes! I spent Kobo in my early primary years.

Since Mama Ochola's fish joint was outside the school compound, Ochola her son who was my classmate gave me a bad advice to leave the school premises through a hole in the school fence.

I went out of the school compound through the hole that was created by Primary six boys.

The Head Master had warned that whoever is caught outside the school premises during school hours would be expelled.

With Oil from the fried Fish all over my lips, i walked majestically back to school after spending the whole 50Kobo.

Immediatelly i put my head into the hole to enter the school compound, i heard; "just enter, you are dead" it was the Gate man, i was really dead.

I was so lucky not to had been expelled, the Head master tampered Justice with mercy after i told him i went to buy fish, maybe it was because he was Ibo like me, or maybe not.

The fried Fish i ate digested instanta when i was flogged Twelve strokes of cain. That wasn't all, i also washed the school toilets, both Male and Female, and even Staff toilet.

Since that day, the name Fishboy spread around the school like Staphylococus.



"guy make we go gym na" Brainbox suggested.

"guy as you thin like this, you wan go gym, you go fit carry gym?" I said to him.

"Forget that thing, the last time wey una go gym i no follow una?" He replied.

"no wahala, make we dey go na" I said, as I Brainbox and Tupac were off to Tony's gym.

Had Brainbox knew what would happen in the nearest future, he would had listened to me and not gone to the gym that morning.

Matthew briggs: @Op. I wish you write your story into a book. And get it published. Interesting READ. It can even be developed into a potential Tv series also.

Am happy you are enjoying it Matthew briggs.

To all first timers in this thread, i promise you guys fun unlimited.

PS: You guys should go buy about 15 dozens of ribs each. Ask 4kizo, he will show you guys where he bought his.

Francex: I jst started reading dis yesterday ...I'm at pg.24..l,took a break 2 come here 2 drop dis:" flow pls u Need 2 write a book, u are super/ multi/over/ excessively talented...write a book,I'll buy it!

Thank you. I think writing is a talent i've got.

Call me for sex stories oh, i dey there, for adventure stories oh, i dey kampe, for funny stories oh, i be Baba, for narration and Interpretation nkor, i be Oga at the top. No be mouth i dey make, na the fact.

There is never a dull moment with FLOW.

adavetee: Flowey!!! This is what you wrote about Cosmos your friend in the concluding part of your story.





"BARRACK BOY" : Cosmos has won American visa lottery and has traveled abroad, "no wonder him number no gree go" i tot because i tried calling him 2months ago and his number was beyond reach. "chei! Cosmos my man! "aboki don land for yankey oh" i tot as i remembered with nostalgia how we laughed and made gest of him due to the fact that he had applied for American visa lottery four times and failed, but he kept trying.




Your last update states that he is now rearing cattle somewhere in the north. Are they not thesame Cosmos? Flow on!!!

it is the same Cosmos.

I tot i said that BARRACK BOY was partly a true life story?

"Pkc na the money wey we make for one week be this, how we go share am na?" Snoop said one evening.

"share it equally" Pkc said.

"we are lacking foodstuff, each of us is to contribute 1000naira for foodstuff" Pkc informed.


Baba jay handed me my share of the money we made at the barber's shop that week, i counted it and it was 2000naira.

2000naira in just a week wasn't a bad pay at all. Or so i tot.

"so which of you will go to the market to buy the foodstuff" Pkc asked.

"Me and Flow" Brainbox said.

"God forbid bad thing! No be me and you" I responded immediately.

"why you no want follow am go market na?" Baba jay inquired.

"i no well" I said.

"wetin dey sick you na?" Man asked.

"na malaria, i get malaria" I said. Or rather I lied.

They never knew i was doing my best possible to prevent the Ekonunwa market Mad man incident from repeating itself. Maybe the mad man might kiss me this time around.

Talking of Mad people and their troubles to the normal people, I will never forget what staring at the n'.akedness of a s'.exy mad woman did to my friend James.

James and I went to Alaba international market to buy his Dad a Radio set, on our way back, we saw this n'.aked mad woman. Not half n'.aked but stark n'.aked.

Before i knew it James was keenly watching or rather admiring the mad woman. As I saw that the t'oto of the mad woman was a Tropical rain Forest of hairs, i looked away because it was irritating.

My friend James kept admiring with his mouth ajar like it was the first time he saw a n'.aked woman, or it was the first time he saw a mad woman.

Passers by were not even looking at the mad woman, but James continued looking at her bushy t'oto even after i cautioned him.

T'oto is not the name of a beer brand, neither is it the name of an electronic make, it is the name of a Bank.

The Bank so many Guys preferred putting their Life savings in. T'oto Bank Limited(TBL) is a world wide Bank with Branches in between the legs of most Ladies(for some that likes BJ, its their mouth) is the best bank to most Men. Some owns Fixed deposit account, others owns Current account, while some others are Savings account owners. Be it as it may, T'oto Bank has being the best Bank in terms of service delivery since time Immemorial. For those that love to withdraw late at night, there is always an ATM. Some Men even went the extra mile of buying a branch of the Bank to themselves, but by and large, those Men would definately pay for the services rendered, even more than other Men that refused owning a branch.


James keenly looked at the n'.aked mad woman until an on-coming Motorcycle hit him hard.

I looked and saw that James was flying without wings. Thank God he didn't land on the road with his head, it would had been a completely different story. And thank God he sustained little or no injuries.

But the second-hand Radio we bought landed into a gutter of running water. And water carry am go.

To own a Radio at that time is like owning a Blackberry phone now.


We got home and James turned stammerer as he narrated his ordeal in the hands of robbers to his Dad. James was an excellent manufacturer of lies.

But that day he manufactured a sub-standard lie.

That was the day i knew a knock on the head could sometimes sound like a Violin. The knock James father landed on James head affected me as i stood about 4metres away.

James had to look for money to buy his Dad another Radio set.


"okay Brainbox and Baba jay will go buy the foodstuff in the market" Pkc stated.

"shebi Opopo and Tega no sleep here last night?" Snoop asked suddenly.

"yes na, i no know where them dey go sleep oh, since Opopo buy that Jeep Tega never sleep for this house" I said.

That was true, since Opopo made it big and bought a car, Tega had refused sleeping at home.

Or were they keeping something from us? Or was it the instruction given to them by their Babalawo that they should never sleep at home? Were they planning to rob a Bank? Are the questions that time must answer.

We got home that evening to meet a visitor in our room. The visitor was Pastor Kel. The main pastor of our church.

Baba jay had informed us in the barber's shop that Pastor Kel was in the room, but we never believed him, even after we saw his car parked outside.

The adage; "seen is believing" could be best applied when drunk. Maybe that was why we needed to see before we believed.

Lo and behold we saw the ever Elegant Pastor Kel in the room.

"Good morning sir" Man said. "na morning be this?" Brainbox corrected him.

"Sorry Good bye sir, Sorry, Good Afternoon sir" Man stammered. He still couldn't get the correct greeting. One of the things alcohol could do to a man.

The Pastor laughed uncontrollably. So did Pkc and MOG.


We did our best for the Pastor not to smell that we were drunk by speaking less.

Within a twinkle of an eye, i heard Man and Brainbox brushing their teeth in the bathroom.

"una get sense abi? Una don go brush una teeth so Pastor no go smell say una don go drink abi?" I said in my mind.

If they so wish, they could wash their mouths with soap and sponge, the Pastor would still percieve the Alcohol.

I say so because i know as i know my name that Pastors all over the world has spiritual Nose. Or so i tot.


When Brainbox and Man came out of the bathroom, the Pastor suddenly said; "which of you drank alcohol?" pointing his finger at Brainbox and Man.

"Pastor no be me drink oh, come smell my mouth na" Man said.

"speak English" Pkc said to Man.

"Okay, Pastor it is not I that drunk alcohol, come and smelling my mouth" he said the English version of what he earlier said.

"Man you dey Mad oh, na Pastor you dey tell make him come smell your mouth, you no dey fear God?" I nearly said.

"Pastor don't mind him, he likes being funny" Pkc said.

"he is really funny, i must say" said Pastor Kel. "this place is still smelling alcohol oh, or is it Urine?" He added.

"Pastor you well so? How you go say big boys like us go dey piss for bed?" I nearly said.

"Pastor what you are smelling is not Alcohol, it is the smell of my perfume, it smells like Alcohol" I saved the day with a Big fat lie.

"are you sure?" Pastol Kel asked. "i am sure Pastor, i am sure" I answered.

I hurried to the bathroom to brush my teeth also, so i wouldn't end up being the Scapegoat.


When i came out, Man said; "Pastor i want you to pray for me, i will wrote JAMB next week"

"If you "wrote" JAMB with that kind of Grammatical error, you will definately score 15 out of 400" I nearly said.

That reminds me of my childhood friend Cosmos. He checked his JAMB result and saw 31 as his score. He was shocked.

After he printed out his result, he neatly added "1" to the 31 with a Black pen to make it 311. He got home and gave his "proffesional" Illiterate parents the result and told them JAMB had increased their cut-off to 350, and they believed.

Just for that singular act of lying to his parents, he never passed JAMB.

He wrote JAMB up to 8 times, and gave up. He gave up because most of his mates had graduated, some like myself were even working.

Why i liked Cosmos so much was because albeit he wasn't sound academically, he was a smart young man. He couldn't speak correctly, but he was willing to learn.

As i write, he is in the North rearing cattle i guess.

Mehn! i really miss him. I remember the fun memories ab initio our chilhood with nostalgia. Well, like they say; "Twenty children can not play together for twenty years", and like they say also; "we meet to part and we part to meet".

Pastor Kel held Man's both hands to pray for him, Pkc and MOG stood as backup, while I and Brainbox watched like spectators.

At that moment, i wished the prayer would neautralize the Taley in Man's finger and cast out the spirit of "Taleyism" in him.


Can i hear you say "Amen!!" to that.

Warlord3000: Cool... Thumbs up.. Me likey

U are right about the "joint name" though..

AKIN--DAYO--YOMI.. All in one single name.. Na wa oo

More.. More.. More ooo

its four names and not three. You forget to add AYO.

The name is like a puzzle.

The next Afternoon, we were off to work. Guess what our work was? Drinking.

Drinking became our proffesion since Opopo found riches.

Behind the Lady that came to serve us more drinks dangled two a'.sses, one at the Top and one Below. I was shocked. Or was i seeing double?

Seeing she resembled the Yoruba woman that owned the drinking bar, i concluded she was her daughter.

Yorubas are known for their arsenal of a'.sses. Their a'.sses could cause traffic congestion. Sorry to say, searching for an a'.ssless Yoruba Lady is like searching for Kuli Kuli in England.

I will never forget our neighbour back then in the barracks, albeit not our next door neighbour. The Family was a family of a'.sses. The Mother had an a'.ss that i would best describe as a Satellite dish. The first daughter had an a'.ss that i would best describe as a Travelling bag, the round type. The last daughter was so a'.ssful that one could barely see any other part of her body but a'.ss! a'.ss!! a'.ss. Her name was Sade.

Whenever Sade walked, she always dragged her feet on the floor because her a'.ss was too heavy for her to carry, and kids in Barracks always made jest of her singing the popular Barracks song with the first line as: "Ikebe no dey heavy the owner, eeeh! eeeh!! Ikebe no dey heavy the owner, eeeeh! eeeh!!....................."

If there is a place in the world that is the worst place to raise a child, that place is the Barracks. Saying Barracks children were rascals was an understatement, they were wannabe thugs.

Talking of rascalism as a proffesion, i was the CEO of Rascals Nigeria limited when i was a kid. I will never forget what I and my friend Cosmos did to his elder brother. We poured watery Poo into his elder brother's plate of Beans, and we steered vigorously with a spoon.

Since Beans and Poo are twin brothers, he did not only eat the mixture, he sent it home with chilled water. Our reason for such wicked act was because he refused Cosmos from playing with his mates.


Back to Sade. Oh Folasade!! I had a crush on her because she was beautiful both facially and Ikebely. But she had a problem.

She had Yoruba intonation wasn't the main problem, the main problem was that her grammar was nothing to write home about.

I will never forget what she said when i was conversing with her one hot afternoon. The following conversation ensued:
Codo(that was my nickname then): I came to your house and you didn't greet me, why?
Sade: I greeting you na. Didn't you seeing me greeting you?

To her, the past tense of every English word was gotten by simply adding "ing" to the word. Little wonder i preferred conversing with her in Pidgin English.

I was 17 then, and Sade was a year older. It was I who d.isvirgined her. She also d.isvirgined me.

The F'.ucking happened one evening that i was watering our farm. She too was watering their farm which was just next to ours. They had no Well, so she came to our Well to fetch water.

The urge for s'ex got to boiling point when i stared at her a'.ss as she bent down to fetch.

I grabbed her from behind with my d'ick almost tearing my trouser and her wrapper to penetrate.

We fell not on Vitafoam bed but on Ugu bed.


I was ramming hard when suddenly she started shouting: "Mogbe oh! Tambolo oh! Mogbe oh! Tambolo oh!", i thought she was shouting because she was enjoying it, or maybe she needed it harder.

What i never knew was that Soldier Ants had started doing their Job on our bodies.

At the second sting, i jumped up and started dancing Makossa. I saw some of the Ants holding Church meeting in my P'ubic hair.

Had anybody farming around had us shouting, the person would had thought Elephants were stampeding.

The roll in the hay or rather the roll in the Ant bed lasted 3minutes because it was our first time.



"My name is Flowey, I am a Medical Doctor, i am half Italian, half Nigerian, i own that Jeep parked outside, i just came to buy my friends drinks" I said to the Lady that came to serve us drinks as i stood with her a bit far from our drinking table. I knew i said that under the influence of alcohol, under the influence of a combination of Red wine and Beer. Had it been Opopo heard me said i owned his Jeep, i would had been a dead meat.

"what is your name?" I asked her.

"my name is Folakemi, i am a student of Futo" She said.

"who ask you the name of your school?" I nearly said.

"so i should call you Fola, or Lake, or Kemi, which one?" I teased.

Yorubas are known for names that are combination of several other names. True or False? For instance the name Akindayomi is Four names in one.

"just call me Kemi" She said.


Hey! I know the question running in your minds right now is; "Flow shey you collect her number? Well, when we reach there you go know.

Warlord3000: Chai.. Na wa ooo..

Are we really back on front-page again...!!!


Wow... Oya congrats..

Flow.. Wey dem champagne joooor

I really appreciate, I love you guys. All of you.

I love all my fans. Both ceiling fans and Standing fans. Even hand fans.

How i wish i would be able to feed you guys with frequent Flows. But am always busy, very very busy. I will do my best sha.

PS: Thanks moderators.



STILL I ALWAYS FLOW.

As we drank, i saw two creatures stood in front of me. They looked like Demons when i looked with my left eye, they looked like Horses when i looked with my right eye. But when i looked with both eyes, i saw two mighty Pigs.


"Opopo you don try, i don dey ok, my eye don dey see double" I said, as i saw the two Demons waving at me. I waved back.

"na who you dey do bye bye" Brianbox asked why i was waving.

"nobody oh, i just dey straight my hand, e dey pain me" I lied.

"Opopo you don try, we don high wella" Man said.

"una don tayah? i want make dem bring more for una sef" Opopo said.

"Bar man!! Bring more bottles" Tega ordered.

"Tega why you wicked like this, you want make i piss for my body?" Brainbox cried.

Brainbox had urinated in the nearby bush like Fourteen times since we started drinking. Or was his Urinary tracks becoming faulty? I asked myself.

1759 was as sweet as honey that day.


1759 wasn't the year i was born, but my brand of beer. I so much loved the number 1759 that i crested it as my Jersey number when i was selected to play for my department in the Faculty cup when i was in school. Unfortunately, we couldn't scale through the group stage of the tournament. One guy wey dem dey call Makalele show me pepper no be small.

I scored two goals. Own goals.

Makalele was good at dribbling than scoring. And he was talented at making defenders mistakenly scored own goals. I wasn't the only own goal scorer in that match, Kc scored also, but he scored just one. The match ended 3-0, with goals from Flow with Jersey number 1759 and Kaysey with Jersey number 411. What funny Jersey numbers. Maybe the Jersey numbers brought I and Kc the ill luck, or maybe not.

If the first person in the world to score an Own goal was shot dead, then i deserved to be beheaded.

That was the ill luck the number 1759 brought my way.

1759 brought ill luck to me again when i used it as my ATM PIN. That morning i was to travel to Lagos after exams. The ATM did not only swallow my card, it refused paying me.

That wasn't the main "Koko". The main Koko was that i wanted to leave O'town because of hunger. That made me stayed in O'town eating Beans and Garri for two weeks until the bank rectified the problem.

Owerri town is known as O'town, just the same way Port Harcout town is known as Petakwa, Lagos town is known as Lasgidi, Sokoto town is known as Sok town, and Kaduna town is known as Kd. I say make i ask oh, wetin una think say dem go dey call Maiduguri town sef? Maid town or Maidu town, or better still Boko Haram town.


Afternoon grew to evening and we were still drinking.


"Opopo make we dey go house, this guys don high wella" Tega said to Opopo.

"you you never high? You wey call girl dey speak french with her" I said in my mind. He actually called a Lady on phone and was speaking Urhobo language with her. Urhobo sounded like French to me.

We staggered like the I'diots we were to where the Jeep was parked.

Brainbox was the last person to reach where the car was parked, and there was no space for him to seat.

"shebi na all of us sidon come na? Why space no com dey for Brainbox to sidon na" Man said.

Or was it that we all had became chubbier courtesy of the beer we drank? I asked myself.

"lap me jor" Brainbox sat on my lap.


As the Jeep moved, Brainbox a..ss bone was really hurting me, not only that, his body was as heavy as a corpse, almost crippling me.

Opopo drove so rough that i almost ate my heart.

"guy slow down na" Bigie warned.

"omoh mehn Baba jay and Snoop don miss oh" I said.

"them dey barb hair na, no how wey them go leave barbing salon com follow us go drink" Man said.


"i wan piss oh" Brainbox suddenly said.

"guy i no go fit stop this car for you make you go piss oh" Opopo said, and Brainbox said no further.

Opopo put on the car stereo and the music blasting was Tupac Shakur's Califonia love. Man begane to sing along. It seemed he was singing the Hausa version of the song.

"guy you no sabi sing the song, you dey spoil am" Tupac cautioned. As if Tupac Amaru Shakur was his Elder brother.



Suddenly i felt something wet my trouser reaching my d'ick. I initially thought i had premature e'.jaculation.

I realized it was water when suddenly it started to pour in torrents, i looked up to see if it was raining. It wasn't. Even if it was, i was in a car for God's sake.


At that moment it dawned on me that Brainbox had urinated on me.


"Brainbox!! You don piss for my body" I yelled.

"Tega na you be this? See Tega oh" Man said as we shook hands with them.

"na me na, levels don change oh" Tega said smiling.

"guy which person car una borrow?" Brainbox asked.

"na my car be this" Opopo said, smiling.

"na lie" I said.

"guy my Maga don pay wella, you never see anything sef" Opopo said.

"guy talk true na, for where una thief this car?" Bigie said. "you think say na everybody be thief like you, na Opopo get this car" Tega said.

It dawned on me at that moment that they were serious, the car was actually Opopo's.

Was it the same Opopo i chewed his vomit about two weeks ago? Did he rob a bank? Were the questions i asked myself.

"guys, make una touch my body, no be my spirit stand for una front oh" Opopo beckoned that we touched him to confirm he was flesh and blood and not ghost.

Nobody touched him but Flow. I touched him to confirm that he wasn't a ghost.

"guy how you take buy this fine Jeep na, abi you do blood money?" Brainbox who was walking round the Jeep and admiring it said.

"na your papa do blood money" Opopo cursed.

He was denying the fact that he had soiled his hands. I was becoming scared of him, because i was thinking he had used someone's head or someone's p'enis for money rituals.

Talking of what people do for money, i will never forget Emma best, the guy in my room-mate's department back then in school.

The guy was from a poor family, but when we got to second year, he suddenly became rich. Very rich that he bought a Honda "End of discussion" car. His friends even nicknamed him "Karishim magana" which was the Hausa interpretation of "End of discussion"

How he suddenly became rich is still unknown to me even up to this moment. What is known to me is how he used people's destiny for money rituals.

He would take like 5guys to drink, intentionally leaving without his car. And after they had drank to stupor, he would pay for the drinks.

Him paying for the drinks wasn't the main issue. The main issue was that he would empty his wallet and asked one of the 5guys to give him transport fare of maybe 50naira.

The person that would offer him the 50naira was offering him his destiny. You wouldn't blame that person, would you? If someone bought you 6bottles of beer and asked you for just 50naira to transport himself back home, wouldn't you gladly give that person the money? Am asking you my readers, wouldn't you give that person the money?

According to people that had gone drinking with him, he would call one of them aside and said; "guy i don spend all the money wey i bring come for them the drink wey we drink, abeg give me 50naira make i use enter bike go house".

Verily verily i say unto you, that 50naira would end up in his babalawo shrine, and his babalawo would multiply the 50naira to 500,000naira.

Maybe the rest 499,950naira was the riches the person that offered him the 50naira would had recieved in the nearest future. Or maybe not.

Emma best was so "best" with his tricks that he had never told one person to offer him "the 50naira" twice.

One thing about the devil is that; he never gives permanent riches. When we got to final year, Emma best became so poor that people started calling him "Emma worst".

When the discussion ended for "Karishim magana" himself was when he was caught with C..ocaine. He never graduated.

Nkàn bé!!! like the Yorubas would say. Strange things are really happening in this strange world.

Since then till this moment, whenever i go drinking with a stupendously rich dude, i go empty, without even transport fare.

If you like call me "fear-fear" na you sabi. Am simply applying caution. I don't want to sell my riches of tomorrow for just 2bottles of beer.

Note of warning to guys that love free drinks; like the Bible says, the devil is a king of deception. He knows that when one is drunk his brain is fast asleep, nahim make him go use that opportunity use your brain drink garri.

A drinking table had led so many to kissing the sky, a drinking table had also led so many to actualizing their dreams.


"guys me sef go soon buy my own car, make una give me 1month, just 1month" Tega announced.

"make una go wear cloth make we go drink for town, make i wash the car for una na" Opopo said.


As Opopo drove us to a drinking bar along Tetlow road Owerri, i promised myself i would drink just one bottle, and then one for the road, and then one more for the road.

Dear Nairalanders,
I appreciate you all that read my story so far, and those that are yet to read it. I promise you guys more rib cracking updates ahead. But, too sad to say that the story would end in this month of June, my birthday to be precise.
Pls don't ask me when my birthday is because my answer would be "when we reach there you go know". Nevertheless, my birthday is not in a weeks time, neither is it in two weeks time, as it draw nearer, i would let you guys know.
Yours Flowing,
Flow.

PS: My birthday wish is for this story to make frontpage. Ogas at the top take note.



STILL I FLOW.

Wizee: Flow u say u tall, but how come na for Hips you dey reach the girl na? I knw say u must reach 6ft +, so if na hips u dey reach ur uncle girlfrnd, den definatly she go dey lyk 11 or 12ft +, or more dan. Then thats is Exaggeration

I was 18 then, do you know how many years ago that was?

Well, am presently 6ft2.

"when we go continue our kponkpon work na, those welders never finish their work?" Brainbox asked the next morning as we sat at Big boys cutz.

"i don call Madam Ifeoma, she say make we give the welders one week say them get plenty work to do" Man informed.

"if them like make them use one year do the work, i no wan work that r'ubbish work again sef" I said.

"Flow you know say you dey talk nonesense? Work wey dey feed you nahim you dey call r'ubbish work ba?" Man said.

Yes, Kponkpon could be referred to as the fingers that fed me, but the money i was getting from the Jewelleries marketing business was enough for me. Or so i tot.

Soon, we started arguing football at the top of our voices.

All of a sudden, Tupac came out of the compound with a Lady. Albeit the Lady was beautiful, her minus was that she was short. Very very short.

"Tupac you don change cloth again" Brainbox said. And we laughed out loud.

"why una dey laugh na? Una no like my cloth? E no fine?" Tupac asked what made us laughed the more.

"e fine, but e too short for you" I said, putting the laughter at top gear.

Tupac couldn't comprehend what "cloth" meant, so he continued staring at the yellow T-shirt he wore. But it seemed the Lady with him knew that we were referring to her, as her formerly smiling face suddenly went pale.

If Ladies were clothes, then Tupac had a loaded wardrobe. He had them in Varieties, from Suits to Tuxedos to T-shirts to Jeans to even Okrika clothes.

He had more Okrika clothes than Tuxedos. Maybe it was because Okrika clothes were cheaper and easier to maintain, little wonder he had a bale of Okrika clothes in his wardrobe of Ladies.

If you don't know what "Okrika" is, then you are not a Nigerian. And if you have not worn an Okrika before, it means you are the Son or the Daughter of either Aliko Dangote or Mike Adenuga.

For people like us, we grew up with the Knowledge that Okrika was affiliated to Tm lewis and Kalvin kleen. And that Emperor Armani was the same as Emperor Nnamani of Aba.


"how this my T-shirt take short? You dey see well so?" Tupac said, as he walked passed us.

Our laughter annoyed the short Lady that had it been she was with a gun she would had shot us all dead.

What made us laughed the more was viewing both of them from behind, it was a funny sight to behold. The Lady's height couldn't exceed Tupac's stomach. But for the high heel she wore, her height would had been approximately Tupac's waist.

"Tupac no dey shame to waka with this short girl?" I said. "how him go shame to waka with person wey dey give am Kpormor chop" Man said.

Talking of guys ashamed of their Ladies, i will never forget my Uncle's girlfriend. Saying she was too tall is an understatement, she was taller than some trees. I am not exaggerating here. She was damn too tall.

She loved my Uncle so much, but my Uncle never reciprocated her Love.

For the short time my Uncle stayed with us in the barracks, i saw that height wasn't a barrier where there is Love. She was practically forcing herself on my Uncle.

Her visiting wasn't a problem at all, when she wanted leaving was the War. Who would see her off to the bus stop was the Big problem.

My Uncle always pleaded with me to see her off. He always gave me a bribe of as huge an amount as 200naira(it was a huge amount then) just to see her off for not up to 200metres from our house.

I was 18 then, and taller than most of my friends.

But whenever i saw her off, i always cried within me at how short i was, my height wasn't even up to her h'ips.

Any of my friend that saw me seeing her off couldn't just laugh, but would go the extra length of informing others. They even concluded i was dating her.

That never deterred me from seeing her off and recieving my 200naira bribe.

She always felt bad seeing people laughing at her because of her height.

Her name was Bola. It would had been better for her had her parents named her Tola instead of Bola.

Sometimes i wondered how My Uncle went through the Herculean task of having s'ex with her, it would be like having s'ex with a Coconut tree.

And i sometimes picture them marrying, what kind of kids would they had given birth to? because my Uncle was also a bit tall. Maybe their first child would had been a Sky scraper, and their second child would had been an Iroko tree.


We had not stopped laughing when a Nissan Amanda Jeep drove in.

Two persons came out of the Jeep.

The person that came out from the driver's seat was Opopo, and the other person was Tega.

Opopo was looking so Opopolicious, and Tega was looking so Tegalistic.

They were expensively dressed.

"see as my guys baf up eeeeh" I said with my mouth ajar.