₦airaland Forum

^ that is the best actually. I hope you let him know the reason why you are not willing to agree to sort. and he understands that he needs to use a different tone if he wants coorporation.
when I say apologize to him, i mean go and talk to him calmly and if he doesn't seem to be responding in a coorporative way, then leave (what I mean by expressing disappointment). only fully apologize when you know that he is ready. but otherwise wait and try again. I think eventually he will learn that if he wants to make peace, he will have to cool down.

but try to take the initiative at least. I don't know how long you guys are going to remain under the same roof without talking. someone has to make the attempt. don't be too proud to take that initiative but also do it in an uncompromising manner. ie not defeatist. let him know that you won't tolerate abuse in the future. not even arm-twisting and this should be the end of it. find a way to sort your conflicts if it means one person will leave the room if arguments are becoming too heated. you need to discuss all these things.

but definitely wait for things to cool off a bit before going to talk to him like you say. if things are still too tense currently.

best of luck sha. I hope the married ppl can come back to give you advice.

@unsuregirl,
no problem.
are you currently living together under the same roof? have you interacted at all since the incident?

hhaha so aboki, what is "how are you" ?

I think you are putting symbolic or emotional significance into the slap and that's what's hurting you. am i right?  but I understand though. it's humiliating
but the reason why I think you had it coming is because you say he has been physically abusive before. so of course the chance of him doing something worse the next time is a bit higher.

let me ask you a question though, which will hurt you more emotionally:
him slapping you for nagging him for sex when he's tired.
him rap-ing you because you were too tired to have intimacy with him.
would you have slapped or ra-ped him if you had more physical strength? think about it.
you probably may have done something similar in his shoes. wouldn't you? That's why we have the police to defend women in terms of abuse like this. but i'm sure if women were stronger, the situation would have been reversed.

i'm definitely not condoning him. but really it's up to you what you decide to do whether to get a divorce or not  I don't know how to advice you.

unsuregirl:
I am not afraid of apologizing to him for pushing him for sex. But is it possible that if i apologize to him, he might mis understand it as my submission to his slap and cold attitude and not hesitate to slap me again when I happen to do anything he does not like?

I see what you mean. I will apologize to him to see how he reacts. But the apology won't be just a "i'm sorry" You actually have to go and sit for a long talk!! let him know how you feel from what he did and tell him you are apologizing to try to save your marriage. of course you are not doing it because you think he's right. If he doesn't apologize back to you, then express disappointment. because to me, he should also feel sorry and also apologize to you. Also talk about your expectations (and his) from the marriage and how you guys are going to be handling your conflicts. it is something you actually need to discuss.

[quote author=eku_bear link=topic=587554.msg7560557#msg7560557 date=1295417258]^-- Listened to too much southern rap music. My yoruba is terrible. I like basketball, not soccer/football.

Nothing too fatal though. . . working on each of those things (except for soccer, which is a boring sport.)

Anyway, I should probably stop derailing the thread [/quote]well, that makes the two of us. although I hate rap but like soccer to some extent. as a player not as a spectator. 
the thread is "deleted" anyways. I don't think one would get banned for derailing a deleted thread. if that even makes sense. to me, that would be unfair.

I think that instead of slapping you, he should have left the house. I'm not a fan of domestic abuse.
but still, you are partially to blame. You said he has twisted your arm before and has been physically abusive so why are you still provoking him. you should be happy it was just a slap and he didn't hit your head to the wall or do something that would have landed you on a hospital bed.
just be careful around him and don't provoke him to the extreme if you already know what he's capable of. to me, you were begging for trouble. physical abuse usually only gets worse. not better. And I wouldn't say you are innocent either since you were both kicking, hitting and slapping each other.

my advice is to beg him and keep to yourself for a while. if things start to get out of hand, one of you should leave the house and come back when things have settled. marriage generally shouldn't be like this but sad to say, you have to do what you have to do.

have you ever had a roommate or housemate? all these fighting thing should be something you should have gotten out of your system with experience of learning to live with people peacefully. especially your husband for that matter.

oh and always learn to put yourself in the other person's shoes to avoid all these trouble in the first place. if you were extremely tired would you be able to respond to request for sex? instead you were being selfish and only thinking about yourself.
go and put this (putting yourself in another person's shoes) to test by apologizing to him. Ideally, he should come to his sense and feel guilty for what he did.

how come culturally not quite?

i'm nigerian

are you nigerian?

Ola edo:
Are you a nigerian? Just curious because everything you typed is waaaaayyyy off line, especially the part of yorubas being united under a single kingdom.

as far as i'm concerned we were united under a single kingdom, oyo empire, although there were entities that maintained larger levels of independence or were more peripheral (ex. egbas) but they were still within the kingdom. correct me if I'm wrong with a clear explanation.
and plz correct me other places i've been "off line" rather than just make a statement and disappear. we are all here to learn aren't we?

[quote author=eku_bear link=topic=587554.msg7560467#msg7560467 date=1295415150]If you are on a university campus, there are a couple articles on JSTOR about the Igbo experience in Cameroon and how the British Cameroons ended up voting overwhelmingly to join the French Cameroons rather than Nigera.

Available here: http://www.jstor.org/stable/523673
And here: http://www.jstor.org/stable/182769

Of course, that is just the perspective from a white guy and a Cameroonian. No doubt Igbo themselves will have a different perspective on the matter. I don't endorse the contents of the articles, etc, etc! Let nobody accuse me of tribalism.

If you cannot download 'em, let me know and I'll AIM/email 'em to you, or something.[/quote]thanks so much for those links!!!
i'm not on a campus. i'm at home on vacation but of course I will check them out as soon as I get the opportunity.
had a friend from cameroon when I lived in nigeria but I know nothing much about countries east of Nigeria. I'm more familiar with countries west of us (benin,togo, ghana etc). I guess this has to do with the fact that west africa as a region doesn't extend too far to the east of Nigeria but it's still nice to know about our neighbors and their relation to us.

and yup, I want to hear what igbos have to say too. hahaha

Those are still Oyibo man's classifications.

Methinks that what would have happened if they did not interfere is a situation whereby we would be like the Yoruba, spanning many dialects of Igboid/Ijoid/ and any other Eastern "iods" groups, but with very weak "center".

You would have things like "ikwerres" "ngwas", "elemes","eches", okrikas", etc, all mutually intelligible to some extent, but no ONE tribe.

you can't compare pre-colonial igbos to yorubas. yorubas been united way long before under a single ancient kingdom.
what is ironic to me is how igbos are always pissed if yorubas accidentally assume all south easterners are igbo. igbos are always the first to correct the "ignorant" offender by saying that calabar people etc are not igbo. but then on the other hand, they are also always the first to claim Jos as part of igboland, claim the oil in nigeria (which is obviously mostly in the niger delta) belongs to igbos etc. 
can you make up your mind.


but I agree that Nigeria needs to be united. we are currently operating in a global world where stuff like GDP, large economy and population counts for more than whether or not the country is homogeneous. this is the reason we are called the "giant of africa" we might as well unite and work together.

Something I've always been curious about though, and i'm guessing this is the right topic to ask, is what the igbo people's relationship with the western cameroonians esp. with the whole bakassi thing. I'm sure there are many "igbos" in cameroon. what is the relationship there?
i put igbo in quotation for a reason.

rokiatu:
Oh Thank God. But I want to see the ugly face of that ugly BAS***TARD. anyone got pic?

[quote author=dtw_sola link=topic=588191.msg7559281#msg7559281 date=1295390135]This is the fool's Myspace page. Yup, some of these black Americans are just useless/[/quote]that's his myspace. his ugly face is on there.

Please translate the meaning of "Jin go lo ba". It's the title of this song:

it has no meaning.
My best guess is that the singer made up the lyrics so that it matched the drum beats. which makes the tune even catchier.
some African song lyrics have no meaning probably because it makes you pay more attention to the sounds/music.

of course its sometimes just natural to be attracted to "bad"
why do good guys date bad girls?

^ lol. had to laugh a little

2 serious relationships by 21? jeez. I think you shouldn't jump into relationships for the sake of it. wait for the right guy otherwise you're soon going to be out of the r/s and looking for another one in a minute. unless you are ok with that.

I'm sure you have friends that are single. you probably are just focusing on the ones in r/s and feeling self conscious. Find your single friends (or make some new ones) and start hanging out with them more and doing things together. single life is fun too esp. if you have friends who are also single.

what's the rush to be in a r/s anyway, when eventually, you are going to be in one for the rest of your life. and by then, you will have times when you'll wish you were still young and single again.
better enjoy your freedom while you still have it.

Tsiya:
Northerners doesn't speak the pidgin spoken in the south. We mostly prefer communicating in Hausa. English is reserved for serious official stuff and is mostly found in paper only.

If u meet a hausa person, speak Hausa

erm nagode?

[quote author=tpia* link=topic=586790.msg7557771#msg7557771 date=1295373412]na wa for sex me by force.[/quote]hahaha na so we see am o. lol

pinky17:
Toye I shall see you at my wedding my inlaw, remember to spray me with loads of money,

you two know each other?

vengeance is mine says the lord.
I think he should definitely serve a jail sentence. but i'm not a supporter of death sentence.

meanwhile, govt should do something about gun control.

I suggest you remain friends with her either way. maybe eventually, you may become more and more attracted to her. otherwise, you have found yourself a good friend at least.

I'm glad for this news. now justice can be meted out.

ZimAngel:
HIV/AIDS is a global emergency, Nigeria is ground zero: the African nation is second only to South Africa in terms of the number of people living with HIV/AIDS. Authorities say they are committed to tackling the problem,

we just happen to have a higher nominal cases of HIV due to our HUGE population. If you think in terms of percentages however, HIV is less than 3% in nigeria.
and yes. we need to be careful to contain it. mostly by teaching abstinence and condom use. not teaching girls from a young age to be sex nymphs. lol I can't imagine any nigerian parent condoning that. not even nigerian men will want their daughters to be like that.

We are taught in our culture from an early age how to make a man cry with sexual pleasure. yummmmmy, we are also taught in our culture how to sukk it like crazy,

how do you mean taught "from an early age"? how old are you when you are being taught how to have intimacy?
this to me is quite bizzare I mean the reed dance thing is bizarre to some. but this is worse.
so is it your mother that's teaching you? or male relatives?
i'm just trying to understand.

^ yea it's really sad. There probably isn't too much interaction between the groups that's why. I think there should be more hausas in lagos so that interaction will increase. most nigerians abroad have lived in lagos or a larger city and that's where they get exposed to ppl of different tribes. ie.a yoruba becomes friends with a igbo etc.
but abuja is becoming the "it" city now so things might change in the near future. there will be more exposure and therefore less ignorance.

do you speak pidgin?
excuse my ignorance but I know very little about hausas. Just never interacted with many of them b4. and I think that's the problem. But I definitely will not be rude if I meet one. in fact I will be more excited.

hehehehe john bull my son

if you are an art student you are 90% responsible for your performance because most times every thing you have to do is read. if you are science student on the other hand and your school don't have science structures like labs then 60% of blame should go to u and the rest your school and teachers

lol. art students don suffer for naija

pinky17:
I am getting married soon, Yes I do respect my inlaws,

don't let me report this thread to them ok.
now go forth and multiply with your husband (to be) and help us increase the nigerian population


@ roy nutcase mary.
stop encouraging them abeg

now I see why mobo created the "invasion of foreign women" thread lol

pinky17:
Jenifa being taught how to satisy a man's need does not make you a slut, we are taught how to respect our man by our aunties and marriage is a respectable thing in our culture, the same as in yours,   Men tend to sleep around more often than women,  Even virgins get HIV it does not discriminate,

To keep a man you need to be submissive and obediant, our culture does not allow a man to enter the kitchen,  We just are good wife material nothing wrong with that,

I never said anything about sluts. or are you saying people with HIV/AIDS are sluts?

anyways, I hope you learn how to be submissive and obedient to your nigerian in-laws. that might prove to be more important to keep your marriage. are you even married? if so, you are now a nigerian wife. not zim/sa anymore. same with your kids. so learn to be more respectful to your new family.

retards my ar, se. Naija girls dont know how to satisfy a man, thats why all your dudes are dumping you. We are taught in our culture from an early age how to make a man cry with sexual pleasure. I love my sex and aint ashamed to say it lolz.
yes i gonna be sukkin it real hard tonight. I take it all in, as long as it is, its called gag reflex , yummmmmy, we are also taught in our culture how to sukk it like crazy, he says he will never ever look at a Naija girl after what hes tasted with me, ohhh then when he goes down on me, I cry with pleasure, I cant wait to have a Naija baby, Zim Girls Rock, lolz

@pinky/zimgirl
Hmmm. I think this is the explanation of the high HIV/AIDS rate in southern africa.

tsiya, cool temper. yea nigerians are generally suspicious ppl. Are you muslim? northern culture also seem to be a bit distinct from south. unless you lived in the south. did you meet yoruba or igbo people? I would think yoruba people will be less suspicious.

Tsiya:
Bush people?? who?

bush = ignorant. so she's referring to them as ignorant.

[quote author=Mrs.Chima link=topic=586446.msg7543996#msg7543996 date=1295200162]The New Age Movement referred by AA community as the shift in NUCLEAR BLACK FAMILIES. I didn't mean to lecture. You should know I hold many seminars and lectures in my field. It a natural thing please forgive me.

I am also an essayist. I will write a sentence and it will become a book by the time I am finished. Hee hee. [/quote]hahaha sounds like you have a really cool job.

Kadata:
I knew it would come to this, that's why I used the word ''loose'' in between inverted commas. This represents a metaphorical meaning and not a literal meaning as your perspective projects.

how did my perspective suggest to you that I mean loose in the literal sense?
and what does loose mean to you in the literal sense first of all?