₦airaland Forum

Timbuktou:
She expected him to accept it then and there, never mind she hadn't breached their confession agreement which could have been a deal breaker for many. And then [i]she had the nerve to condemn him [/i]for responding in the exact way he should have; which was caused by her by the way. Would you trust such a woman if you were in that guy's shoes?

Ogaaaaa, haba! You don add jara o


She didn't condemn him now, she just didn't want to be married or loved out of pity. She was just being the stronger person ni

TV01:
I see your reasoning here as faulty;
Younger does not mean that they will not ultimately be higher earning. Bukatyne please explain to Kimoni !
And younger couples have increased scope and time

Except you are talking of outliers, the general view is that the higher you go in your career or business, the more money and comfortable you become. But with the word "ultimately" you added, well yes, financial status would even out ultimately but she won't also be young by then.

I see this as right in part and wrong in part. I noted in an earlier response to Edwife that early marriage is increasingly difficult and noted to Naijababe about the need for 2 income houselholds.

That does not change womens desires for men of higher status and good providors. And where wives contribute, men stil typically contribute more and are still tasked with overall financial responsibility. Further, a financial lack will always be his fault andd weigh more heavily on him, regardless of the respective contributions.

And finances - nor looks, height, education, family pedigree or any other thing - do not determine headship. And a man that cede's headship to his wife is opening a can of worms for himself. I'll touch on that in part 2 if you'll let me get there !
TV

Right and wrong. Yes, finances and other qualities shouldn't outrightly determine headship but where you are officially ceding your manly responsibilities to your wife, there would be consequences. It's like selling your birthright. I believe this is where feminists get a lot of their strength from

coogar:
yetunde bust line......here i come.

Poor woman!

damiso:
When working in naija one of the first question you got asked by guys/colleagues who you wanted to hook up with your friend is 'where does she work?' No lies o.

But sincerely Damiso, I would not also have married a jobless person oo and even while dating in school, I had to satisfy myself of your potentials. But the funny thing is I got married to my age mate and I never ever dated anyone that was over a year older than me. I never even gave it a thought to date someone much older, maybe they never came my way sha. I met people from my classes, youth meetings and Orientation camp. But it still didn't change the fact that whoever I was going to get married to would be able to provide at least the basic needs for his family, not that his plan in life will be to provide meat and ask me to buy pepper.

TV01:
Where have you been? Working out, juicing and making money - young men take note !

A mans ability to provide, or future potential to do so, has to be paramount for a woman that wants a family - and doesn't come with huge independent wealth of her own. That would be most women no? And, she'd be silly to not check the economic viability and fitness - in many respects, why do women typically want tall? - of the man who would father her children.

Men have other criteria. Yes in a long list, some criteria will be the same/overlap, but the hierarchy is different. I've mentioned kids out of wedlock as one example. may be important to both, but generally it's more of a deal-breaker for men.

Men look for fertility - typically presented as youth or beauty. That would possibly rank first. Amply evidenced by the many men who marry a woman based solely on looks.

Further down, would come things like fidelity, respect, intelligence etc. Money was never really an issue - and yes we do have male diggas/social climbers - which is why when I was broke, I couldn't date, but women just need a clean dress .

I know times are a-changing and the financial climate make it hard for the average family to survive on one salary, and men to be in a position to marry as early as previously, but that's my basic take.

TV

The younger female singles are more likely to tick this box before marriage than the older singles. As a man, the lower you go, the higher the probability that you will be the sole breadwinner. And this is the reason why many guys will not marry young these days. They just don't have the means to provide fully for the home. But where you go for a matured single, she will be better able to share some of those responsibilities with you, down to the very basic ones sef. Well, times are hard so guys prefer this model now. Just that like I said earlier, you might then have to compromise on your "headship" or those things you consider ur basic right as the man of the house. Like the lady saying she would hire a chef and guys descended on her, but it's reality. He who plays the piper dictates the tune abi? But when two people are jointly playing the piper nko? They must both dictate the tune.

The first thing my FIL asked my husband then when he took me to him as his wife-to-be was - are you sure you are able to provide for this lady and the children that will come out of this union? That question is becoming more and more irrelevant these days.

proudmom38:
My remaining team mates how una dey?hope cold no reach una side? It is well wit us all...

I'm going in 4 induction 2day,pls mamas put me in prayer. I knw God is in control n everything wil work out 4my good...

#teamjuly4perfection#

Nothing to be afraid of Proudy. I have been inducted before, no difference between when I was inducted and when I was not. It will be easy you in Jesus Name. Expecting ur BS soonest.

davuvid:
Undergraduates dey broke, working class sef dey broke.....Is there hope?

Good points though

pickabeau1:
I think you lot just argue even in the face of reality\

I ask you did u date a person in your age brecket before u settled down\\if you did, is your husband in the same age bracket and what is the range\

On this same forum, you have posters saying they cant date their age mates from reasons ranging to being stingy , too immature and the vague NOT CARING aka no money etc

Once women don start to dey date older person, young guys no dey appeal again

Pickabeau, what is this? Is this meant for Kimoni?? When did you ask me all these questions??

modath:
Say that again, its so positive &cheery.. me likey wella.

I tell you

missmalachi:
We just decided to follow july mama's footsteps cos we remember that was what they did to june mama's

Hmnnnn

Makan makan loye nkan o

proudmom38:
August mamas una dey do roll call wen we july mamas never pass baton abi? Una no respect senior ba? Ok o,kontinu o

Esin iwaju ni teyin wo saare

No be me talk am ooo

missmalachi:
We just decided to follow july mama's footsteps cos we remember that was what they did to june mama's

This thread is something else..

proudmom38:
August mamas una dey do roll call wen we july mamas never pass baton abi? Una no respect senior ba? Ok o,kontinu o

cococandy:
I want to eat banga rice with scent leaf and Chinese pho tai rice and ayamase rice and Indian curry rice and fish stew rice and concoction rice with crayfish and jollof rice and beans mixed together

I know that feeling

pickabeau1:
What's the issue with the ring

Is the ring a souvenir

Ifyou keep the ring and he decides not to pursue..what next?

Awkward!!

I now see women are obsessed with tokens and bits n bobs

The man is the main catch not the ring

Na wa

Com'on Pick, I used the ring and proposal interchangebly in my write up, remember? The ring symbolizes the renewed commitment between them. So it's not just the ring but what it signifies. Them no dey sell ring for market ni?

TV01:
You are right, it is down to the individuals involved - and every case is unique. I did say generally and advise the range as a rule of thumb, not a precise measure. On the flip side, I think you and others are being to "generalist" A loose plan/idea is better than none

Funnily enough, it's women that ideally want this - in some cases moreso than men who do not always think long-term. Think amongst the couples you know; the male will typically be older (and taller ).

Think back to Uni in Naija, how many jambite girls dated jambite boys - I no get sniff as jambite 0! Female hypergamy demands higher status in males and that usually comes with an age difference.

I was referencing it in particular with reference to sexual compatibility for this convo, not even status. As an ideal, it tends to work for both parties on many levels. People have just lost sight of why

Afterall, speak the truth, how many Naija women consider their age mates "small boys"? Or even those proximate in age. How many girls dump guys when they can land bigger - and often older - fish?

And it's global. Afterall, I did not coin the adage "half your age plus 7 years". That's a particular Western saying. Only now the West is shaming men who marry younger.

All the women who partied or focused on their careers are hitting their 30's with no suitors, and asking where al the good men have gone? Into the arms of younger more nubile women.

Men are instinctively drawn to nubility and youth - it speaks to child-bearing. Dem's the facts. I'd wager my last dollar your relative youth was part of your DH' attraction. I'd also bet you've called your age mates "small boy" and would not have given a fellow jambite a look in !

Speak the truth - all y'all

TV

Really?? these days when men want to take charge of their wife's ATM and providing the required minimum (food, housing and shelter) in the home is seen as parasitic, because enough willing and "matured singles" are ready to hand over their salary in exchange for joint "headship" of the house and the guys are more than ready to accept these terms as long as they both share the financial responsibility? And to think they will even start hating on the ones that insist on doing things the old fashion way?

TV, is it the same planet we are sampling our men from

TV01:
Be ni 0!

TV

TV!!!!!!!

"Everything" is relative oooo

Everything to a guy does not mean everything to a lady ooo

If we are to exchange the gender, I am so sure the guy would not make this disclosure as part of "everything" he spilled. It's not HIV now.

And seriously, the girl has done something lacking in most girls of today. Hasn't anybody considered the fact that she was honest enough to disclose before accepting the ring? Meaning she had no ulterior motive? It was probably her guts that failed her that she didn't disclose early enough or she wasn't sure of his intentions.

Haba, brothers, why una dey discourage babes from yarning the truth now?

Waoh! Opella, well done. Very clear difference

pickabeau1:
boohoo

Whats the issue with diabetes

with good health and information, it can be well managed

why did the girl now back out

The man needed time to consider all the pros and cons... not some emotion laden decision

There is a high probability I would do the same thing in her shoes. He could also have left the ring with her but still tell her he needed to think about it. I wouldn't want him to come back to me merely out of pity. As much as I would say the girl is at fault for not disclosing on time, I have to consider that it was a fast moving relationship and she probably didn't realise he would propose so soon. You wouldn't want to spill sensitive information like that to every Dick and Harry you date.

Timbuktou:
It's right there in what I quoted and put in bold.

i honestly didn't interprete it that way. If she did, would she bother telling him at all?

Timbuktou:
Lol. What entitlement! Hope he told her to fvck off with her issue? Was he the one stuffing her destiny with sugar?

Show me the entitlement....I term it consideration.

TV01:
Really? So what is young these days? And what happened to old? Abi old sef is no longer old?


Just tell us why and how older is superior to younger, or why it's just as good, or better even! But if young is no longer young, how can you actually do that

You see now why you need to start using big big grammar


TV

calm down bro. I'll be back! Enough deadlines ahead.

TV01:
I never said it's all "eureka" - In fact I clearly stated that it's genrally better for the dynamic and one of the things to seriously consider. I saw no story from Edwife that was a direct result of a man marrying a younger women - or something that couldn't have happened with a woman the same age or older. Or are all the issues between older men and younger women, and due specifically to the age difference?

My advice remains as is !


TV

the conclusion of those stories is this - In our world today, those advantages you highlighted do not exist anymore because young is no longer young. And I think you got her drift just that you waved them off as being scare tactics. But it's really the truth - young is no longer young.

TV, I'll be back, my network is very low right now.

But Edwife did highlight some good reasons why it's not all 'eureka' when it comes to marrying young. And she came with true life stories to support it.

bellong:
She was aware and knew who transferred it to her.

Waoh! It is well o

bellong:
The taste of the pudding is in the eating... Find your own too.


Although, I have good eyes for "beauty" but it has never been a determinant in any of my relationships.

She had this meek and impeccable character. It was more or less a deception to lure unsuspecting victim.

Bellong and TV - you know these girls might not even be aware of what they are carrying. It's a possibility, innit?

TV01:
Mine was snake spirit. She was simply stunning, but even that had an edge. And it was difficult to reconcile her behaviour. Only when she manifested did it make absolute sense.


That's terrible advice and a cop out. If it works it's mostly luck - unless he is a God-fearing somebody. And men - faithful or not - are not to be driven by emotions and feelings.


TV

The basis of marriage itself is both an emotion and a feeling. L-O-V-E

TV01:
Thank you, but Bukatyne remains my F-I-C !

I didn't see your post as a rejoinder to mine - I actually thought they were addressing different things? To be honest I found it hard to discern a main premise or marry the content with the conclusion. I was further confused by your subsequent responses to Pickabeau1? Even after re-reading as I said I would.

The issues in your church or any other are for myriad reasons - all worth discussing - however, I've seen nothing to re-consider my position. And while it's no tthe whole of it, it's definitely something to seriously consider.

As for evolution, I don't subscribe to that, not to say they are guesses at best.


TV

All these big big grammar are you a professor??

My problem with your recommendation TV is that, it is largely one sided.
You have highlighted the advantages of marrying young singles without talking about its numerous disadvantages. Secondly, you have also not talked about the advantages of marrying matured singles while touching on its disadvantages indirectly.

So I am happy to inform you that you have been able to confuse me but not convince me on why men should marry young singles

bellong:
Beauty they say lies in the eyes of the beholder....

Meanwhile, it is those that are possessed with marine spirits that are provocatively "fine".

You are using style to dodge my question o

Are they as beautiful as we hear them to be?
Was it that "provocative" beauty that attracted you?

TV01and Bellong - so you guys have had encounters with ogbanjes before pray tell, are they as beautiful as people describe them to be

TV - what would I advise my brothers - marry whoever your heart chooses. You will know when you meet the right person and you guys will fit like you were made for yourselves. Your inner peace will testify to him/her.

bellong:
I understand the part of grace but many do fail in what they should do.

As Christians, approaching the issue of marriage require both spiritual sensitivity and being street smart. I knew every detail about my wife before I even approach her. People are very thorough about stuffs that are temporary but when it comes to the institution that can mar or break their destinies, they handle it with levity.

The world is complicated but God in His infinite mercies doesn't leave us clueless. It is why you guys found out before entering one chance. The girl acted stupidly, your brother could have gone ahead with her had it been she was truthful from the beginning. At least, some people here advocated keeping such secret from potential spouse because what is in the past should stay in the past.

You know sometimes, I pity people who have "stories" they need to share with their intended before the wedding. There is so much uncertainty about the outcome of the story that you get confused as to whether to share, when to share and how to share. A colleague was just telling me how he broke off his engagement 2 days ago because the girl shared her "story" with him.

So there is this girl he met and within 3 months, he wanted to take things to the next level. He travelled all the way to London to propose to her. On the d-day, he knelt down on one knee and said the usual. She started crying that she had something important to tell him. She had Type 2 diabetes He started crying as well but was very angry that she had waited till that moment to tell him something this important. I pointed out to him that their courtship was quite short so she wasn't really at fault. He said they had several moments where they had both spilled everything about their past and he was pained because according to him, he said everything there was to say and he thought she did the same not knowing she had deliberately left out that important factor.

Anyways, he took back his ring and asked for more time to think about it. Unfortunately, the girl felt pained that he could actually withdraw the proposal so she sent him a text telling him that she didn't think the relationship was worth it, that if he could take his ring back, she wasn't sure he could handle her issue so they should both take the easier route and break the relationship completely .

Personally, I told him I didn't think he should break up with her or withdraw his ring the way he did. She must have been at a loss all along as to how to go about breaking the news to him but at least she had enough integrity to tell him before accepting his proposal. Then he shocked me; he said he would even have preferred she held it back and told him after the proposal but telling him at that joyous moment not only confused and demoralized him but left a permanent scar in his life. Poor girl! You are damned if you do, you are damned if you don't. Hmnnnnnnnnnnn

Relationships are complicated. What works for A might not work for B. There is no manual in this institution. I can only listen to how you do yours and tweak it to suit my own situation but it will be foolhardy to adopt what works for you from pali to pali.