In my book, there is nothing like a toasting formula, Girls like guys who can demonstrate that they have higher value than the rest of the lot toasting (make the girl laugh, are original, converse intelligently, dress well, listen attentively, are empathic, poised and in control, etc, etc). You may then have a good shot.

@Poster, encouraging you with texts and discouraging you in person is known as mindgames, player games, time wasting and making you beg for it. If you enjoy that sort of thing, by all means hang in there and pray and hope the games will soon end (for the better). If you do not enjoy games, then walk away and find some one who will level with you.

@Poster Hannah, you sound like a very decent girl with a strong Christian set of morals. Sadly, as you probably know there is a lot of stereotyping out there in the world by all races. You just need to be strong for yourself and for your man and have his support (which you do have). I am not sure if the views you hold about your partner's family was voiced out by them or if you are over-analysing. Irrespective, the way forward is to work towards breaking down your partner's family biases and prejudices, by proving them wrong. It takes time and it may be a struggle, but love does conquer all.
Refusal thrice of a UK visa does not mean your partner would not qualify for a UK visa in the future. People get refused 4/5 times and eventually get a UK visa. He needs to address the reasons contained in his visa refusal decisions and appeal if that option is still available. Also, if he wants to come as a visitor or your partner then you want to read the requirements for visiting or coming as a partner on www.ukba.homeoffice.gov.uk fulfill the requirements before next applying. All the best.

Not every man can settle down and commit to a woman. Some mates I know walked out of their relationships because as they told me, they did not want such responsibilities. I got this mate who has been with his woman for about 11 years now but will not commit to her. She is about 12 years older than him, divorced and her kids are all grown up and left home. He does not see himself marrying or having kids. On reflection, I concluded that there are some men out there who genuinely cannot commit to a woman and who actually have commitment issues. I guess the same may apply to some women out there too and I suppose there is a variety of reasons for this behaviour.

Hmmm, ok. Lovely Bones doesn't quite get me all worked up, so I don't think that is one movie I will be seeing in a hurry. Probably run into it and borrow it at the movie club some where down the line.

There is something about Lovely Bones that reminds me of Ghost with the late Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore. You know, paranormal communication, etc.

Now the story begins to make some sense, so it would appear from the NDLEA side of the story posted above, that she flaunted company policy by marrying a deportee from Spain who was deemed to be a security risk y NDLEA. She then went on to get pregnant for said driver. If he was deemed a security risk, how come he got a job driving for NDLEA? That part is very fishy. Why would NDLEA employ as a driver, some one seen as a security risk? I think there is some mis-communication going on here, and facts need to be separated from fiction.

It would appear that even with the NDLEA side of the story, there is more to this than meets the eye. Is it normal company policy in NDLEA to sack someone on grounds of disobeying direct management instructions? Probably. I wonder then if this is not one of those times when discretion could have been exercised by NDLEA top managers to save the very public and very international image of NDLEA from being tarnished. I guess the big bosses on NDLEA are not very media savvy and not far sighted in such matters either.
I think they also need to be sacked for allowing some short sighted and incompetent HR advisor/manager with agenda to embarass NDLEA to this extent. Just look at the damage limitation that would now need to be done! Shame NDLEA!

That's cold.

I don't know where you are based, but I do know that if you are based in the UK and your 'incident' was within the last 72 hrs, you can obtain emergency contraceptive protection from your local Pharmacist or NHS hospital. Alternatively an IUD can be inserted up to 5 days after your unprotected encounter. Again, this all depends on which country you are and how old you are. Am sorry if this post is not very helpful.

LOL Good question, though not relevant to the topic at hand. Truth be told whether Papi sits on the rock and runs Naija or if Papi and pickin are hustling to survive, we all got the same base instincts to do the wild thing submissively or not submissively. I love you is a big deal for some folks to say due to nature/nurture.

Truly, that would be difficult anywhere. Some single parent women do get a good man. She should hope for the best but not hold her breathe waiting for Mr. Right. It is a difficult situation to be in.

If you love the girl and the girl's folks don't like you, respect their space and keep your distance, but always seek to challenge their preconceptions about you by demonstrating very clearly that you are a better person and you have risen beyond their prejudices.

So there's 8 years difference and he's been twice married before eh? I doubt he will be going anywhere away from you. As one poster said earlier, if he has been burnt before he is probably more careful now. As for saying about how Nigerian folks sometimes take advantage, I guess he has to keep reminding himself and possibly you, how lucky he is to have you and that he is not like other advantage takers. In any case, if you still feel paranoid, you can always tell him how much you appreciate him not being like the others, and still have yourself a back up plan, just in case,

I guess your cousin is not very enlightened. I say this as I am a product of two cultures. Igbo and Ewe. There is richness and diversity in cross culture. At times it works. other times it doesn't. Even the greatest leader of the world's greatest nation is a product of two cultures. Tell your cousin to look around him and get real cross culture permeates the whole world.

And the cycle continues. Some one makes you feel hurt, you hurt them back to make yourself feel better and after hurting them back and you feeling better, you end up feeling low. Yet all along you knew you loved her. Was it worth it making her cry on that day of all days like you did? If you loved and cared about her like you now claim to, you should have known better as a guy. That was so mean of you to pay her back.
You cooked all day, so what? It was not about you. It was all about her, but you lost the plot and decided it was easier to pay her back. That was pathetic of you. And if she breaks up with you now and goes out there and gets some one else who will treat her better than you did, you still won't understand, would you?
You need to get down on your knees and beg her and grovel and tell her you are not worthy of her love and affection, and weep for wrecking her day in such a malicious and vindictive manner (which you call mischievous) and ask her to please forgive you and take you back. That's what you need to do for being so mean to her.

Hindsight is a beautiful thing. The issue of family as well as religion will crop up in the future as it has now. It is even worse once you both have kids and the kids get pulled in two different directions. You have a very good insight into how your future with him will turn out given his family influence that you are seeing now. Marry within your religion if you can. Will save you a lot of future pain and regret.

@ Adetina My apologies. In the US foreign students are not allowed to work, except for practical training, for which approval from INS is required. This means your guy is not allowed to work. Some categories of students (F-1), may accept practical training employment or outside college part-time employment after having been in the USA and having status for nine months. F-1 category students also need to apply for INS approval for outside college employment and for practical training after graduation. As your guy is probably not allowed to work, he is working undercover using some one else's details but he has to explain to you why he has to do that. But you do know that is because he is a category M1/F-1 student. Your guy needs to get an employer, prove loyalty before the employer can help him apply for an H1B visa category which is the work permit visa. All that also takes a lot of time. Wish you the best.

This is a very tough call. You obviously love this guy but you are unsure of his intentions due to his immigration status. When you say you discovered he's in the US on a student visa, you don't say if he told you or if some one else did. You need to talk with him if you are getting all this info from a 3rd party. Two things bother me; you said he wants to get married before 31 but the relationship history does not add up as you figured. That suggests to me that he might be working to a time table to get married before his visa runs out. By the way this does not make him a bad person, but he needs to come clean with you.
The other thing is if he really loves you, he should consider other options to remain in the US and not scheme to use his relationship with you as a tool to get a green card off you. As a student, he is allowed to work and he really should be looking for a company to sponsor him. He should also be speaking to an attorney. My buddies have gone down the company sponsoring route. It is a long route, but does work. Given the current economic conditions in USA, getting a company sponsor may be a bit difficult, not impossible. If it is true as you claim, he definitely should not be using some one else's details to be working. That smells very fishy, but you deserve a truthful explanation from him and you should ask him.
I would suggest you draw up a list of all the things bothering you about the whole show. Have a frank 1-2-1 talk with him, put your cards on the table and ask him all the questions that are bothering you. Listen to his explanations, consider and then make up your mind.
You also need to ask him and ask yourself some tough questions. Such as how far are you prepared to go for him if his visa happens to runs out? Would he be prepared to return to Nigeria to reapply to come back as you guys are in a relationship? What if he is unable to come back, what will you do? Are you prepared to support such an application or even go to Nigeria to assist him if necessary, keeping in mind that you going there would not necessarily guarantee that he will get a visa back to the US? Do you have the finances to do this?

Short term answer : - You may not want to commit to anything in a rush until you have a clear picture. Don't let sweet talk sway your focus because you want a wedding and want to be swept off your feet romantically with a ring on a finger after graduation. As one of my buddies once said, don't fall in love, stand in love and keep common sense.

Pleasure of the chase my bro. The thrill of the chase is what campus fun is sometimes about. If you really want her, you got to show her you have something her guy can't give her. The x factor. Don't let the opposition's possession of a car intimidate you. The car may not be such a big deal to the girl as it is to you. Don't let a car be a mental block to you. If the girl is into the guy because of the car, then you ought to level the playing field if you can, by finding access even if limited to a comparable car. Besides that, you must have inner qualities that you can count on. excellent academic work that will make her notice you?? I must say though that it is unclear from your post if the girl is fond of you as you are fond of her. If that is the case, then you are already half there. if not, you got to work hard.

Oohh, my sister, you got to have faith yet you got to be realistic. Some guys while abroad can hang in there and come back home to marry the loved one they left behind. Others can't deal with the pressure and the loneliness and after a while end up becoming the willing or unwilling partner of some chick or woman ever willing to provide a shoulder for him to cry on. Sometimes trying to get the right papers to live abroad, leads guys and even babes to make very costly sacrifices to themselves to their loved ones and to their relatinships. That is not necessarily the case with your partner. if you could go with him, do so as being there means you both support each other. Sometimes even going with him is no gurantee necessarily that things work out. People change out there in the western world. Some people change for better, others don't. Like I said at the beginning of my post. You gotta have faith and trust, no matter what.

I feel it is a moment of truth for the guy when a girl makes that statement. If a girl tells a guy she is in love with him, the whole game changes. Plain and simple. It changes as it forces the guy to reassess himself in terms of where he wants the relationship to be headed. I believe for some guys, such a statement makes them see commitment issues if all they want is a piece. For other guys who have been angling for this affirmation of love and are looking for marriage, the girl professing love for them leads to contentment and marriage probably in the not too distant future. That is just my take.

I agree with the last post. what is any poster meant to be commenting on here? Dating some one close to their ex-spouse or dating some one unemployed and living with their parents? Some elucidation would be appreciated.

I think I get it. Any camp that needs being locked up is not for engaged people if you have been doing the wild thing with your 'engager'. I guess you could always take your pocket rocket (if you know what I mean) to ease those sexually tense moments. LOL

@iice, thanks, I do try to please. regards