₦airaland Forum

Mirror mirror
A young woman is down town searching through the market for a new mirror for her bedroom door. She find a lovely mirror and asks the stall assistant about it. He replies, 'This isn't just any mirror but this is a magic mirror!'
The woman is a bit overwhelmed and asks a bit more. The stall assistant replies, 'All you have to do for this baby to work is say, Mirror mirror on the door and something else that rhymes and it will come true.'
The woman decides to buy the mirror and heads for home.
She places the new mirror on the door to replace her old one and says, 'Mirror mirror on the door make my b.ust size 44!'
All of a sudden her bre.ast become enormous! Her husband returns home from work. 'Gosh, what on earth has happened to you?!' He says all flustered and excited.
'I bought this mirror from the market, if you say mirror mirror on the door and something that rhymes with it, it will happen!'
She turns round and there he is legging it up the stairs frantically tugging at his trousers. He gets to the bedroom,

'Mirror mirror on the door make my di.ck touch the floor!'


His legs disappeared!

If you go down to the woods today


Walking through the woods, a man comes upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against it. He asks, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of this tree."

"You've gotta be kidding."

"No, not at all! Would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, this is really stupid, but, , okay , " So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against it. The other man immediately slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewellery and car keys, then strips him na.ked and leaves.

Two hours later, another nature lover strolls by, sees this man handcuffed to the tree naked and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was regaling his plight, the newcomer is shaking his head in sympathy, circling him. When the handcuffed man is finished talking, the second man walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, "This just isn't your day, is it, Sugar!"

I Need the Rake
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Honey, where is the rake?"

She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, "What?' and the man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE"

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left bre.ast, then she points to her b.utt, and finally to her cr.otch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the friggin' hell was that?"

She replies, "EYE - LEFT TI.T - BEHIND - THE BUSH"

How the fight started,


I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are, alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of his car. . .and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?


Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it. . . he was a DWARF!


He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'


So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

. . and well, that's when the fight started . .

A Classic?


A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation. They send an American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island, and arrange to come back and pick them up in a years time to see how they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves. "I'm an engineer" says american, "So I'll handle building a shelter". He turns to the Frenchman and says: "You French are pretty good cooks, why don't you handle the cooking?" The Frenchman agrees, and the American turns to the Japanese man "That leaves you to organise the supplies" he says. The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks.

A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have done.

They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches and balconies. The American comes to greet them, and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says "Yeah well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did the place up"

The teams are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen where they're greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food. The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs "I had lots to work with" he says, "This island has loads of edible herbs and plants."

The team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them inquires about the Japanese man.

"Oh we don't know what happened to him" explains the American, he ran off into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since."

They all agree that they should find the man, and a search party is organised.

They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with peacock feathers sticking out of his bot.tom and shouts:

"SUPPLIES!!"

Round Table


King Arthur has a beautiful wife. The problem is, the knights of the round table keep shag.ging her. He goes to Merlin, and explains the situation. Merlin says, "I've got just the thing." He pulls a out pair of metal knickers, with a hole in the bottom. Arthur says, "They're no good." But Merlin puts his wand through the hole, and a blade appears and chops his wand in half. Arthur takes them, and padlocks them to his wife. He goes away for a fortnight.
When he returns he lines up all his knights and tells them to drop their pants. All of the knights except one have half their di.cks lopped off. Arthur said, "You have disgraced the knights of the round table, Go away, and may I never see you again." He comes to the remaining knight Sir Lancelot and says, "For your loyalty, I will give you half of my empire. Lancelot said, "Fank kiou heirr."

Socrates


In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance came upon the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter test?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, let's take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and, "
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary, "
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, and you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

^^^ so you actually played it .

lol


i caught one f00l

Nelson Mandela



Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, push off! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
>
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(It's a beauty)
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"You not "Nissan Maindealer?"

This is creepy, JUST TRY AND FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS TO THE LETTER TO SUCCESSFULLY PLAY THIS GAME!



Think of a letter between A and W











Repeat it out loud as you scroll down














Keep going
















Don't stop
















Think of an animal that begins with that letter





Repeat it[b] out loud [/b]as you scroll down















Think of either a man's or a woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animal’s name











Almost there














Now count out the letters in that name on the[b] fingers of the hand you are not using[/b] to scroll down














Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level





Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines on your hand




Do the lines take the form of the[b] first letter in the persons name[/b]?











Of course they F*u*ing don’t !

Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stewpid FORUM games!

Bump

The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs/websites


1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is
www.whorepresents.com


2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com


3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net


4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com


5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company
www.powergenitalia.com


6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com


7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com


8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com


9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

booqee:
Dis is no joke naww. . . .

Its my new innovation called 'ETC' . So please feel free to marvel at my ingenuity.

Stop hating. I know ur "FEELING THIS BOY" .

THANK YOU . THANK YOU EVERYONE . I'll BE HERE ALL WEEK

^^^ CHANGE YOUR WAYS

Why yelling at a man doesn't work



What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah,blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW

Men Are Just Happier People-
What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. !

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.

Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)













































Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.










































































So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

Men keep scrolling,




































































By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

The Sergeant Major


A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only [b]2130 [/b]now."

^^^ EIYIIAA!! HIM SABI USE RAIN COAT NAH , SO TRY GIVE AM A CHANCE E HEAR>> HIGHEST YOU SWALLOW AMPICLOX AFTER THE SHOW. lol

Strange noises in the night


A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered the parents bedroom, he was shocked to see his mum and dad shagging for all they were worth.
"DAD!" he shouted, "What are you doing?"
"It's OK." replied his father. "You're mother want's a baby, that's all."
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother sucking furiously on his fathers p.ri.ck.
"DAD!" he shouted "What are you doing now?"
"Son, there's been a change of plan." his dad replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."

S, e.x in the dark


There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stewpid.

She figured she would break him out of the crayzy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a Love Machine. She gets completely upset.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You'd better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain the Love Machine if you explain the kids!"

Proof men are better friends than women



Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Performance issues?


After several years of married life, a man is disappointed to learn that he is unable to perform sexually. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor him him that it is all in his mind, and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the shrink confesses "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says: "I can cure this."
He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and instantly gets a great erection. His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"

One way to get your point across


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful , CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.

Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful , CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

"You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.

"Use the salt. Use The Salt! USE THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied: "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"

A guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall. "Excuse me" he says "But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her. Could you please help me?"
"What do you need me to do?" asks the woman.
"Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies.
"How's that going to help?" she asks
"I don't know exactly, but every time I talk to a woman with KEGS like yours, my wife appears out of no where!"

SO AFTER ALL THESE YEARS YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW IF YOU ARE A MALE OR FEMALE?

LOOK DOWN FOR THE ANSWER >>


































































NOT DOWN HERE YOU STEWPID ID10T !!!

^^^ u dey jealous the girl abi?

How To Shower


How to shower like a woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket
according to whites and coloureds.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups.
Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.
Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with
natural
avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until
red
Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray
mould spots with Flash.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap
hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If
you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.


How to shower like a man:


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed leave in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom if you see wife along the way - shake
knob at her making woo-hoo sound.
Look at manly physique in the mirror, admire size of knob and
scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and
let the water rinse it off.
Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash
your bum, leaving four pubes stuck on the soap.
Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of the shower. Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on the floor. Admire knob size in mirror
again. Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, leave light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull
off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise. Again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

Honeymoon Horrors!


A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,
"Ewwww---what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child, " he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.

When the groom took off is pants, his bride wrinkled up her nose.

"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me, " she said. "Let me guess, Small Cox?"

Coffee
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.


"HEBREWS"