₦airaland Forum

Terrible,
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"


The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

Monkey Business


A Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes & eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see whatyour monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bum. Sorry I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had trouble to SHYTE that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Elephant

A man walks into the doctors surgery, he can't even sit down. The doctor asks "What’s the problem with you today? You seem to be in a lot of pain".
The man says he has an embarrassing thing to show him. The doctor explains that he has seen everything possible in his years as a doctor, therefore nothing will shock him.
So the man proceeds to drop his trousers and bend over. The doctor gasps and says "What on earth happened to you?!! You have a massive hole in your bottom". The man explained that he had just been on holiday in Africa. "I was raped by a male elephant" said the man.
At this point the doctor said, if this were true you wouldn’t be as damaged as that because the penis on a male elephant isn’t that large.
At this point the man said "Yes I know that, but he fingered me first"





Farmer Giles

After years of milking cows with the traditional stool-and-squirt method, Farmer Giles finds he has enough money to order a high-tech milking machine. The equipment arrives a few days later and, realising his wife is out for the day, decides to test the machine on himself first.

After setting it up, he quickly eases his beef bayonet into the equipment and flicks the switch. The sucking teat pleasures him better than his wife ever could, but when it's over the machine will not release his member.

In desperation, the farmer calls the Customer Service Hotline. "Hello," he winces, "I've just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but, er, how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry." Replies the rep. "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

na wah ohh, ajibole still dey flex him ban na him una dey spoil him name like this

One day one old man dey sit outside him house dey smoke pipe . him come see one small boy dey stroll pass him house with fishing reel , na him the man come ask the boy "come ol boy, where you dey go with that reel", and the boy answered "i wan go catch fish for the river", and the old man laughed saying "see this mumu pikin oh, how you go catch fish wen you no carry bait" and the boy went on. Later the boy passed back with a bucket full of fishes and the old man was surprised.

The next day the old man still come sit outside him house dey receive breeze when the same boy been dey pass with duck tape for him hand and the old man ask am "see, boy, wetin you wan go do with that duck tape?" and the boy answered "i wan use am go catch duck for that swamp for front" and the man laughed at the boy saying "you this boy you dey craze oh, how you go wan use tape catch duck" well the boy went ahead. later the boy passed by with a cage full of ducks and the old man was speechless.

The very next day that same boy was passing by again and the old man saw him dragging a long chicken wire and the man asked him "come oh, wetin you wan use that wire do?" and the boy answered "ahh papa, i wan use am go catch fowl for that bush near market" and the old man said "how you go wan use wire catch fowl, ur head correct at all" and the boy still went ahead ignoring the old man. later the boy was pasing by the old mans house dragging the wire full of chicken which were trapped around it, the old man was just flabbergasted.

The very next day, the old man was again sitting outside his house when that boy was passing by holding a bunch of P.U, SS.Y willow plants and the old man shouted "ol boy, my small friend, abeg cool down make i enter inside go wear shirt follow you e hear"

FROM THE FIRST TWO LINES I KNEW HOW IT WAS GOING TO END , I WONT TALK MUCH SHA ,

Me Tarzan, You Jane,


One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs.
"Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for squirrels."



,



Are my testicles black?
A guy is lying in his hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"

"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she replies.

"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried; Are my testicles black?"

Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glances around the ward and, seeing there are no medical staff around, says "Alright, I'll have a look for you". She pulls back the bedcover, lifts his dick out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand tells him, with a note of relief in her voice, "No, they look fine to me".

The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says "I said, Are my test results back?"

Ujujoan:
22 yr olds play video games? Is that right

IM ABSOLUTELY SET ON PLAYING VIDEO GAMES WITH MY GREAT GRAND CHILDREN , BY THE GRACE OF GOD

^^^ BE LIKE SAY NA HIM BE THE BUSH PIG WEY HIM FOR FATHERS BEEN DEY HUNT FOR INSIDE THAT BUSH THAT DECADE , IF NOT HOW HIM FOR DON HEAR THE JOKE COME DEY TELL US FOR HERE , YEYE MAN

^^^ rumour has it that you are trying to use 'style' & 'opportunity' to yab me, Is this true?

So its just now that you are remembering this old joke that your fore fathers used to tell each other while hunting squirrels in the forest abi, ? Mr. Jokes president, I grreeett u

RUMOUR HAS IT THAT RUMOURS ALWAYS HAVE IT, SO I DON'T SEE THE REASON FOR EVERYONE TO KEEP RUMOURING ABOUT IT, CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT RUMOUR ALREADY OWNS IT, SO LET'S QUIT YAPPING AND LEAVE RUMOUR WITH IT

^^^ so u want to use 'style' & 'opportunity' to yab me abi?

O K W A K W A !!! SEE AS HARMMATTAN BREEZE DEY BLOW FOR THE WHOLE OF THIS THREAD , I AM DISAPPOINTED IN ALL OF YOU,


IF I EVER OPEN UP OR COMMENT ON A THREAD BY THIS OP AGAIN EHH , LET MY FATE BE AS THAT OF HIS SON IN THE PIX BELOW >>>

PLEASE NO NAME CALLING , LETS NOT FIGHT OVER THIS DRY THREAD OKAY , JEEZZ !!!

booqee:
@Pendusky. Na wa oh. I shake yansh 4 dis your own 'copy and pasting' oh. Before posting a joke, i think u should review d existin jokes in d forum. I posted dis same joke yesterday, and u posted it dis morning! Which level nah?! (its not even up to 24hrs!) shitz

Well i guess u were oblivious of it. It could happen to anybody anyway.
Notwithstanding direct all praises and compliment to me, ok?!

@studio why u lookin for me? To come and see how people are trippin for my joke to d extent of copyin and pasting? I knew u liked it, u were just forming. . .

WHY YOU DEY ATTACK THE OP ? NOR BE UNA TWO GO MARKET GO BUY THE SAME MODEL OF CANON MODEL 419 PHOTOCOPIER FOR THE SAME DAY? , SEE, IF UNA WAN GET LEVEL FOR THIS 'OUR' JOKES SECTION , E GET ONLY ONE THING WEY UNA SUPPOSE USE CLIMB THE LADDER , SEE PIX BELOW FOR MORE INFO>>>

whiteroses:
This is not for great minds i'm out peace

YES , PEACE , PEACE OUT , & PISS VERY - VERY WELL SO THAT YOUR BLADDER WONT BURST , '[b]POMO[/b]LOSHI'

olusunyah:
Rumour has it that Goodluck has once dated Patience

I THOUGHT THAT WAS CONFIRMED , ?

Sijo01:
Rumor has it dat Boko harram is attacking NL by 1: 00 AM day

DONT WORRY , SEE PIX BELOW>>>>

breaking news !!!

^^^ MAKE UNA ALLOW GEJ WITH ELIZA AND BOUGEE REST OHHH !!! MAKE WE FOR SEE BETTER JOKE FOR THIS SECTION

*THE GIRL IN THIS PIX REMINDS ME OF SOMEONE ON THIS THREAD*

^^^ thank you

BCuZiMBlaCk:
Cant see anyone laughing

Ajibel:
*dy joke sends Ajibel back to sleep*

SO YOU ARE LOOKING AT THAT YOUR SCREEN FOR SOMEONE WHO IS LAUGHING ABI , OK, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO THE CONGOLESE WAY OF LAUGHING , SEE EXAMPLE BELOW >>>

IM PLUCKING EMM MEHNNN , THE MONEY LITERALLY GROWS IN MY BACKYARD

BCuZiMBlaCk:
Lunatic, freak? Mmm

Ajibel:
yo a lunatic

HATE ALL YOU WANT , I AM JUST PLUCKING MO MONEY OFF MY ISH , KEEP ON BEEFING ME E HEAR , COS AS MY NIGGUH ALWAYZ SAY , "IT MAKES ME FAT" , lolzzzzz

^^^ THABK YOU JAREE , NI MIND THEM , THEY FAIL TO RECOGNIZE INNOVATION , BUNCH OF NL 'BEEFS' DEM , MAKE UNA DONATE 5k EACH FOR MY 2012 SUBSCRIPTION OHHH

^^^ I DON'T HAVE TIME TO ANSWER YOU THIS 'WANNABE' , THE ONLY KELLY I KNOW IS , KELLY ROLAND !!!

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: You smell something funny everywhere you walk
FAULT: You have shit your pants
ACTION: Dash to the nearest toilet and try to steal someone else's pair

SYMPTOM: You feel wet and find it hard to breathe
FAULT: You have fallen into the gutter
ACTION: Pull yourself out and hail an Okada to take you home

see, do not even try to relate the two industries at all , nollywood 'creeps' while hollywood 'flies'


NA WAOOOHHH!!!

^^^ do we expect anything more from your 'critical arze' on NL ?

Ajibole , oya see below , your new assignment,

Ajibole , you dey join dem if you self no get wetin to do den go pray ontop transformer ,

rumor has it that this OP has got nothing upstairs , i mean, its just a rumor right?