₦airaland Forum

VIRUS ALERT !!! VIRUS ALERT !!! VIRUS ALERT !!! VIRUS ALERT !!! VIRUS ALERT !!! VIRUS ALERT !!! VIRUS ALERT !!!

Agybabe:
[/b]u guys can't just imagine how much I [b]A̶̲̥̅♏ missing nairaland. Been so busy these days.
Oga Jackpot abeg shey u п̥̥̲̣̣̣̥ợ̣̣̝̇̇̇ D̶̲̥̅̊ε̲̣̣̣̥γ̲̣̣̥ vex with M̶̲̅ε̲̣? Sorry for the thing I failed to do even after when[b] u[/b] inform M̶̲̅ε̲̣ before time. I A̶̲̥̅♏ sorry. Now I A̶̲̥̅♏ [/b]saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY that I owed u. Hope its not too late?
How is the bar?
I will be trying [b]M̶̲̥̅γ̲̣̣̥ [/b]best to visit often. Enjoy! Shalom!
Our dear customer, hope una [b]D̶̲̥̅̊ε̲̣̣̣̥γ̲̣̣̥ [/b]enjoy una self, I wish una better. ​L♥√ع u all! *winks*

WETIN BE THIS ??

WHICH KAIN VIRUS YOU WAN DEY SHARE FOR US FOR THIS SECTION ?? EHH ?? AGY-NWA ??

ABEG TRY GO GOOGLE FIND BETTER ANTIVIRUS DOWNLOAD BECAUSE THE ONLY THING WEY YOU DEY POST FOR US TO DEY READ NAH =>>>

[b]hello peo'box-box-box-box' , i miss yo'square-square-square-square' all , hope una D̶̲̥̅̊ε̲̣̣̣̥γ̲̣̣̥ , where is the bar ma'rectangle-rectangle-rectangle-rectangle-rectangle'n . . .

IN FACT I DEY FEAR YOUR MOTIVE FOR THIS SECTION THIS XMAS PERIOD OHH!!!

dani1luv:
No cause for alarm, simply drop nominations and wait until the voting proper begins

WHAT IS ALL THIS NONSENSE ?? SO YOU ARE TRYING TO ACT AS IF SEUN RUNS A DEMOCRACY ON NL ABI ??

WHY DO WE HAVE TO VOTE ?? EHHN ??

WHEN YOU WANT TO LOCK UP A THREAD . . . DO YOU ALLOW US TO VOTE ??

WHEN YOU WANT TO MOVE A THREAD . . . DO YOU ALLOW US TO VOTE ??

WHEN YOU WANT TO BAN A MEMBER . . . DO YOU ALLOW US TO VOTE ??

YOU MIGHT JUST AS WELL GO AHEAD AND ANNOUNCE YOUR WINNER NOW . . . WE KNOW SAY 'INEC' DEY LEARN FOR CORRUPTION AND CONFUSION WHERE UNA DEY

THERE ARE TOO MUCH STRANGE NAMES ON THIS THREAD . . . SHOULD I GO AHEAD AND REGISTER 20 NEW ACCOUNTS AND USE THEM TO NOMINATE MYSELF AS ALL THESE OTHER NICCUZ ARE DOING ?? CHECK THE REGISTRATION DATES OF THE 'STRANGE' MEMBERS AND YOU WILL CONFIRM MY MEANING.

CONFINE VOTING TO MEMBERS THAT ARE OVER A YEAR OLD ON NL TO MAKE THIS ISH MORE PROPER AND OFFICIAL . . . HELL, I EVEN HAD AN ACCOUNT HERE BEFORE ANY OF Y'ALL KNEW WHAT A KEYBOARD WAS AND I STILL CANT MAKE THE TOP 10 LIST

4 L K . . . Y'ALL

I'M . . . OUT

PEACE !!!

THIS SAME EXACT JOKE WAS JUST POSTED BY A FELLOW NL'nder last week . . . this ya hp canon model 419 crayon photocopier nor go kill you e hear !!

Studio CFR:
what are u saying?

Sounds like something a poor lonely disturbed person would say

SO YOU KNOW MANY OF SUCH PEOPLE ABI?

WHY OH WHY DO YOU SURROUND YOURSELF WITH SUCH CALIBER OF LOW LIVES EHHNN?

bright007:
Where is d joke?

BE LIKE SAY NAH TO DEY HANG SIGNBOARD FOR THREADS TO SHOW SUCH ID10TS WHERE DEM FIT FIND WETIN DEM DEY LOOK FOR

^^^ stop doing this to yourself . . . i know you don't care about us so please think of yourself

yes. fat ps3 needed. local sellers only. budget of 40k. lilkech@yahoo.com

I WANT TO BUY A NICE WORKING CLEAN FAT PS3. IM IN WARRI. I HAVE A FLAT BUDGET OF 40K. IF YOU CAN SELL DIRECTLY TO ME THEN HOLLA


LILKECH@YAHOO.COM

Studio CFR:
An Ibo woman and her son Chinedu were walking through a park in Lagos and they pass two squirrels Being intimate. The little boy askes his mom, ''Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?'' The lady responded, ''They're making a sandwich.''
Then they pass two dogs Being intimate and the little chinedu again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich. A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said ''Mommy, Daddy, you must be making
a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!

WHAT SORT OF JOKE IS THIS?


NOW I HAVE THROWN OUT MY YOGURT THAT I JUST BOUGHT FROM TANTIS

mikuz:
@poster
comedy is not anywhere in ya forte. But i think theres hope;have you tried going into auto repairs? I mean something like being a mechanic?

WILL HIS COMEDY THEN BE FOR THE OWNER OF THE CAR HE IS REPAIRING OR THE ENGINE?

I HEARD IBADAN ZOO HAS AN OPENING . . . THE MONKEYS THERE NEED A NEW HANDLER PLUS THE PAY IS GOOD

rakel05:
I came to your house but u didnt dey,

shut up let me correct u.; I came to your house u have commot.

ISNT THIS SUPPOSED TO BE IN BEN-10'S 'MURDER ENGLISH' THREAD?

ObiomaA:
it is easy
JUST WALK MIDWAY ON A BUSY ROAD, THEN UNZIP AND BRING OUT your PERNIS WHICH IS ERECT AND START MARCHING LEFT,RIGHT,LEFT,RIGHT,LEFT,RIGHT!

NA WHEN YOUR PERNIS SEE T0T0 NA HIM YOU GO SHOUT 'FORWARD MARCH'

THIS THREAD IS A WASTE OF BANDWIDTH . . . THIS JOKE AND MY FORE FATHERS USED TO DRAG 'WHO SENIOR PASS' FOR VILLAGE MEETING THAT DECADE

POSTER PLEASE UPDATE YOUR JOKES TO SUIT OUR MENTALITIES OKAY

EFULEFU1:
ajibel
studio
el guapo
bin gbagbo
obioma
lilketch
homar
jackpot
ode remo
boqee
dani1luv
ben10
etc

WHAT IS THIS ?

WHERE DID THE 'T' COME FROM?

SO EVEN TO WRITE MY NAME NAH WAR FOR THIS EFULEFU KEYBOARD . . .

BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN QUIET DOES NOT MEAN I AM NOT IN TOWN OHH . . . I JUSTNDONT WANT SOME ED10TS TO CALL ME 'JOBLESS'

MODERN RULES OF WHOT



YOU DARE NOT END YOUR GAME WITHOUT CALLING 'LAST CARD' (SOME COC.KY ONES ACTUALLY CALL THEIR LAST TWO CARDS WITH A SEMI)

8 IS SUSPENSION

1 IS HOLD ON

2 IS PICK TWO (CAN BE BLOCKED WITH ANOTHER 2) - IF YOU GIVE ME PICK 2 AND I BLOCK WITH MY OWN 2 THEN THE NEXT PLAYER WILL HAVE TO EITHER BLOCK HIS OWN OR "PICK FOUR CARDS" . . . THE MULTIPLICATION PROGRESSES AND IN FEW OCCASIONS AN ERRING PLAYER ACTUALLY PICKS UP TO EIGHT CARDS

14 IS GENERAL MARKET

NO MORE JOKER (I NEED ?) . . . ITS RESERVED FOR KIDS BELOW THE AGE OF 15 TO PLAY WITH

ONCE MARKET IS FINISHED ALL PLAYERS MUST 'TENDER' THEIR CARDS FOR FINAL COUNTING TO ASSESS THE WINNER OF THE ROUND (NO MORE TURNING THE PLAYED STACK UP SIDE DOWN TO REPRESENT A NEW GENERAL MARKET)

STANDARD WAY OF BEGINING THE ROUND IS BY 'CUTTING' THE CARD INTO TWO PARTS . . . THE MARKET AND THE ACTUAL STARTING CARD PIECES TO BE SHARED TO ALL THE PARTICIPATING PLAYERS

HIDING CARDS IS LEGAL . . . SO FAR AS YOU DO NOT GET CAUGHT DURING THE ROUND (I.E, ITS ONLY LEGAL TO BRING OUT HIDDEN CARDS BEFORE THE BEGINNING OF A NEW ROUND)

Beync:
See as guys they bash the op but na true the op talk.

Honestly our men are not stingy but they are latter stingy.

A naija man will see a babe and start impressing the babe by giving even when she didnt ask

But it wont be long the guy will want to ask for something in return for his gestures and if the

babe refuse so the end of his giving to tell you how they dont give freely. They are very few that would give without asking back from you

SEE YA HEAD . . . SO IF I GIVE YOU WILL GLADLY RECEIVE BUT WHEN I DEMAND YOU WILL CRY FOUL !!!

THERE ARE TWO SIDES TO A COIN . . . RESPECT (AS WELL AS GIVING) IS RECIPROCAL

IF I SEE A BABE AND START SPENDING INCESSANTLY ON HER ITS BECAUSE I AM AIMING AT SOMETHING (NATURALLY)

IF SHE ONLY KEEPS 'RECEIVING AND RECEIVING' THEN I KNOW I AM GETTING TO ACHIEVE MY GOAL

IF AFTER  'RECEIVING AND RECEIVING' SHE KEEPS DEMANDING THEN I PULL MY SLIPAS, GATHER MY LOSSES AND RUN

IF (BY DIVINE INTERVENTION) SHE STARTS GIVING ME BACK THEN I ADD THE ESSENCE OF SERIOUSNESS INTO THE EQUATION

GOD KNOWS I CANNOT MARRY A LIABILITY TO ME, MY KIDS, MY RELATIVES, MY IN - LAWS, MY FRIENDS, MY CHURCH E.T.C

SO IN ORDER NOT TO FALL INTO THE 'ONE CHANCE' I AM PREPARED TO SPEND 'FIRST' IN ORDER TO SECURE MY BRIGHT FUTURE

lol . . . nice

^^^ WHO ARE YOUR FELLOW 'KRAYZE' MATES AND IN WHICH CELL DID THEY LOCK YOU UP IN THERE? I WILL HELP YOU OUT AND INTO MY 'SOAK AWAY PIT' IN MY BACKYARD WHICH IS FAR MORE HABITABLE THAN THERE WHERE YOU ARE NOW

^^^ no wonder you are still in there

^^^ THE HEED1OT MUST HAVE BEEN BANNED AGAIN


*i remember prophesying to him that it would be a one month missionary journey this time . . . maybe hence the new twist on the NL joke section with this poster & his dry thread*

Ajibz:
You guys are funny oh, i just realized why you don't get the joke. Many Nigerians have not encountered the "Light Bulb Jokes" before, so i am posting to a disconnected audience. I asked around in the office and i found out that no one knew about these types of jokes, but on reading up on them they were able to find the comedy in them.

Also who d hell is Ajibel, keep your forum beefs to your selves. I have had a Nairaland account since 2009 but i only activated it this year. Your flaming also reminds me why i did not activate the account, cause its a disconnected community where no one is accountable, people talk with their head in their behind.

THIS GUY IS FUN !!!



*wondering why Ajihbole has not made a single post up till 1:30PM today. . . strange . . . maybe i can substitute him with this guy*

OMG !! A - KWA - KWA , SEE AS THIS POSTER DON EVOKE HARMATTAN FOR THE WHOLE OF NL WITH THIS SINGLE POST


WTF !!! IF I LAUGH MY LIPS GO TEAR


*searches for ororo*

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I AM WITNESSING THIS PARTICULAR POSTER MAKING AN EFFORT


ALTHOUGH IT WAS WEAK


I STILL SEEK TO ENCOURAGE


*CARRYING MY KOBOKO*

Lol. Original banger


.
Nor b like the knockout wey one useless NLnder dey claim say him use 4 days write

DONkollione:
@ BIN GBAGBO, PLS TRY AGAIN NXT TYM "I MYT" LAFF, (laffs in ghana)

you actually mean you forced yourself to go "gha-gha-gha-gha-gha-gha" because of this charity seeking thread? I trowey dustbin 4 u oh.


Ermm, u don drink water?

BCuZiMBlaCk:
U don bleep up

how? I dont understand this your recent comment, please can you elaborate?
.
.
Oh and another thing, you signed up with a name long enough to be sentence. . . Only the last part is missing. Kindly complete this for all of us in this NL jokes section:
.
.
Because im black ?? . . . Ehen . . . yes . . . Go on , and please make it good

.

*For your own good*

^^^ just to show that you cant beat your nature

WOMEN:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money Spent:
$20.00 Oil Change
$1.00 Coffee
----------------
$21.00 Total

MEN:

1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left breast.
32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car.
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail. Get car from impound yard.

Total Time Spent
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
---------------------------
$1337 Total

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said '6'."

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said."






Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There’s no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK, I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your bu.tt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!

---AHA thought it was dirty, didn’t you! ---

A schoolteacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light. When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class. The judge looked at her sternly and said:

"So you're a schoolteacher. I am about to realize a lifelong ambition. You sit down at that table over there and write 'I went
through a stop sign. 'FIVE HUNDRED TIMES!"







One day at the end of class Little Johnny’s teacher asks the students to go home and think of a story, to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don’t count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was Little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don’t screw with uncle Ted when he’s been drinking."

An old man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home. The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away and the same thing happened. He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept coming home before him.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jenny, honey is the cat there?" "Yes dear, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that darned [b]CAT [/b]on the phone, I am lost and I need directions back home."











As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vib.ra.tor.

Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vi.brat.or. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty- five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

booqee:
Lilkech you're sick and going bonkers too. Mtchew

IM PERFECTLY HAPPY TO TAKE THAT - TWIST IT INTO A COMPLIMENT - AND ABSORB IT .



THANK YOU

@poster: i just started a 'slow clap' solely for your encouragement