₦airaland Forum

^^^ so because ahjiboole posted a few 'very cunning attention seeking' lines, you have now decided to suck up to him?


Well i gat to hand it him. . . The juju works on these NL females like WOW!

Nice one

^^^ what game? Oh ok. . I see . . The one wey you dey 'carry last' for inside?

Ajibel:
okay no vex next time include in the topic say na etc

whuaat!! because of only u?

See ehn, drop that ya phone then go to that dark corner of your room., once you get there just perform one very fantastic 'somersault' then as you land just lay there and die. . .


This way the smell of your decomposing flesh wont disturb your household and i can continue posting my 'etc's' anyhow i wish

Ajibel:
mehn, wey d joke naa

I'm sick and tired of trying to explain 'etc' to you. .


U nor dey learn? How u take dey write exam for school?

Judek2:
Are u talking to me

NO OH. . . MEAT



{ohh, I'm shaking - I'm shaking}

Ajibel:
Our dear joke section is in coma. My ban gave me the opportunity to visit other forum sites and I saw the way they handled their joke section. Our main interest here I believe is to have fun, the fun can’t be incomplete without us- the loyal jokes section members pooling our ideas together to make this section interesting. It’s so unfortunate to see that jokes hardly make the front page.

Foremost, I just discovered the heading JOKES AND RIDDLES FELLOW NIGERIANS CAN APPRECIATE. If RIDDLES is accepted in this section, then why is/has no one come up with a thread specifically for RIDDLES. All I see here is old, recycled, copied and pasted jokes, though I commend some *I wont mention names* for being original with their jokes. Therefore, maybe I or someone else can start coming up with threads for riddles for people to answer, read and enjoy. It could be made in form of a game whereby someone would post a riddle and the next person to comment is expected to answer the riddle and post another and that continues. Just a suggestion!

It is every trend of every member not only in this section but in every other section to go off topic once in a while. I don’t like the trend but it I’ve gotten used to it and we can’t flush it out of the mentality of all members. That’s why I suggest a new thread to be created. The one created by jokepot jackpot is old and becoming too dry, something new needs to be done besides we are entering a new year so I suggest in addition that we create a new thread starting with next year. This thread for offtopic chats would be for each year, like if a new thread for 2012 is created, by Dec 31st 2012, the thread should be closed as a sign of the closing year and by Jan 1st a new one would be opened for 2013 with a happy new year welcome. This trend should be continued. Just a suggestion!

Again, there can be a CONFESSION thread for members. I have noticed that nairaland relationship is developing among some members and they use style to make it known in a thread opened for joke. My belief is that a thread like this should be opened and sticked so that all sorts of confession one may have over another would be exposed here. We should all know that the romance section isn’t satisfying for some people to make their nairaland relationship feelings known. This section has its members who are like a family and are more known here than in other sections, so they making confessions in the romance section wouldn’t get much attraction as they may have wanted it. *But I know the relationships are jokes though, we are in the jokes section*. Therefore if any thread is being opened when this CONFESSION thread exists, the thread would be locked and the poster would be referred to the CONFESSION thread. Just a suggestion!

Coming to the jokes being posted, members should try and desist from posting jokes that has been posted before. I know the idea of many is to either get attention for themselves or increase the number of posts they have but meaningful contributions and good comments on jokes can increase your posts for you or popularity without going through the stress of opening a new and unnecessary thread.

Me being a critic, I see nothing wrong in it. When I started, I did my best to be fair but then I was being insalted by many and because I am not radio that doesn’t reply what someone says, I decided to attack back and not sidon look cuz I no be ODE! *many apologies ODE of a REMO, my good friend*. Therefore, no hard feelings to those I criticise, I promise I would be fair and be elaborate onwards when I criticise. I only criticise to encourage, nothing else, not for you to insalt me back or start a quarrel.

These are the few thoughts that came up my mind, feel free to add your comment or suggest how we can improve our darling section.

And hey mods, don’t warn me for opening this thread or lock this thread. We have no ADVICE thread, what we have is a COMPLAINT thread that’s why I came up with these. But I know u both *dani and ben* appreciate good things/ thoughts. Hope I’m right!

One love to y’all!!!

OH MY GOD. . . HELL MUST HAVE FROZEN OVER FOR THIS TO COME UP

This guy is on a plane and just got done eating. And we all know airplane food, it just goes right through you. So he went back to the guy’s bathroom which was occupied by a guy who is going to be there a while. So he asked the flight attendant "maam, I really need to go to the bathroom is it alright if I use the women’s." The flight attendant seeing his pain says "alright just don't touch anything." So he goes in there and sees three buttons to the right of the toilet.

So he presses the first one labeled P. and gets his butt powdered. He thinks that felt pretty nice.

Then he looks at the second one labeled B. and a nice lofty breeze come in the bowl. He thinks wow why can't the guys have these.

Then he see the third one labeled A.T.R. and thinks the others were nice I will press this one. He presses it and blacks out.

He wakes up and finds himself in the hospital and asks the nurse "what happened?"
The nurse is like "are you the guy from the plane?'
Dumbfounded the guy is like "yeah"
Nurse "the one in the women’s bathroom?'
Guy "yeah"
"You pressed that button that was labeled A.T.R."
"Yeah"
"Do you know what that means?"
"No"
"It means AUTOMATIC TAMPON REMOVER, your penis is in the cooler."

An American girl, a French girl and an African girl are traveling in a plane. The plane is about to crash. The American girl puts on make-up. Everyone was curious. "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first!" she said. The French girl opens her bra, "the rescuers will save a girl with beautiful bre.asts!" she said. Then the African girl removes her knickers and says "f*ck off, they always look for the black box first!"

A women goes to bed at night irritated at her husband so she decides for once in her life to pray, and this is what she said "God give me tolerance for my husbands stupidity, give me wisdom to understand him, give me forgiveness to forgive him of his ignorance, but please God I beg of thee don’t give me strength cause I’ll kill him!"

What is your prayer?


(ladies only)

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man - unless he’s in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man’s mind wander - it’s too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don’t make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

^^^ FROM THIS YOUR REPLY I AM BEGINNING TO QUESTION THE AUTHENTICITY OF YOUR intimacy. HAVE YOU SEEN MY 'KNOW YOUR GENDER' THREAD. . .


YOU SHOULD HAVE A PEEP AT IT REALLY SOON

WAIT OH. SO ALL THESE HUMAN BEINGS DON'T KNOW THEIR GENDER AT THIS THEIR OLD AGE. AND WHEN I TOLD THEM TO LOOK DOWN THEY F00LISHLY STARTED SCROLLING DOWN INSTEAD OF JUST BENDING THEIR HEADS AND LOOKING AT THEIR WAIST REGIONS.


THE BEAUTY OF FLUSHING OUT THE F00LS ON NL

^^^ yes. That is because only f00ls are intended to comment on it.



You get?

Agybabe:
What is the meaning of all thes nonsense? Bladerdash!

booqee:
Nonsense

Hey ladies. There is no need to get all 'periodic' on my thread. You were looking to play a game and instead turned out to be the f00ls that the game was intended to portray. But don't be gloomy, I can set up another one specifically for just the three of us. . It would be sweeter than a 'Group Intimacy'.


And remember that lilkech is a 'Morpokin' gentleman. . That's why he will never trade words with a lady.



Not even the f00lish ones

gendebs:
A boy woke up in the
midnight to hear his brother's rude
girlfriend screaming. He went to his
brother's room to ask what went wrong between his brother
and his girlfriend. On getting to the room he ask d girl what happened? She said
'I don't know, buh I remember your brother came to ask me for vaseline, but
unfortunately, I gave him superglue dnt knw if he robbed it on his joystick.
That is to say 'wan ti gan pa!!!---- Dεγ̲̣̣̥
both shout ---
hhhhhhhheeeelllllllppppp

^^^ WHERE DID YOU GET SUCH INSPIRATION FROM MY GUY , YOU ARE ALMOST ON YOUR WAY THERE

^^^ ask #10 above you . . he is in a better position to answer your question

^^^ if you don't take your time I'll set you up for another ban

^^^so na the 'knockout' wey u buy for missionary journey carry come for us be this. . Dem dagbo u oh as na 'bisco' dem finally package give you

^^^ and what may I ask is your reason for highlighting that particular statement of my post? Are you trying to alert the mods? I laff . . Don't you know I use those kind of words in a particular context which makes it virtually harmless? My friend you really need to emulate me. I am a 'Morpokin' gentleman

^^^continue e hear. . your next missionary journey go reach one month

AHJIBOOLE
. . YOU AGAIN!

nah wah 4 this thread

I BEEN DEY PITY THIS TREAD SINCE, SO I COME SAY MAKE I COMMENT SO E GO MOVE UP, SO OTHER GOOD SAMARITANS GO FIT JOIN ME COMMENT.




IMAGINE A WHOLE KING OF JOKES SECTION SHA

Homar:
Studio was walking in the woods all alone admiring the beauty of nature and suddenly a bear rushes towards him and wanted to kill and eat him and studio shouted lord please help me and immediately everything ceased and studio saw a bright light in the skies and a voice said unto him "you that do not respect me and your fellow nairalanders why should i save you ?".And then he said lord please i know that ave done wrong but instead of this please turn this bear into a christians so that it may favour me.And the voice said let thy will be done . And immediately everything came back to normal and the bear left studios throat and knelt down and put his paws together and said." LORD FOR THIS WONDERFUL MEAL I PRAISE YOU NAME AMEN" studio fainted.

OL BOY, I TRIP FOR THIS YOUR HP CANON 419 LASER PHOTOCOPIER OHH !!

bobbyray:
Its not the fault of the student if he/she fails on exam, because the year has an ONLY 365 days,

1. Sundays- 52,Sundays in a year, which are rest days. Balance 313 days.
2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Balance 263 days.
3. 8 hours daily sleep-means 122 days. Balance 141 days.
4. 1 hour for daily playing-(good for health) means 15 days. Balance 126 days.
5. Two hours daily for food & other delicacies (chew properly & eat)-means 30 days. Balance 96 days.
6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means 15 days . Balance 81 days.
7. Exam days per year at least 35 days. Balance 46 days.
8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival holidays-40 days. Balance 6 days.
9. For sickness at least 3 days. Balance 3 days.
10. Movies and functions at least 2 days. Balance 1 day.
11. That 1 day is your birthday….

ASUU STRIKES NKO ? WHY YOU NOR MENTION THAT ONE ? THAT ONE DEY CHOP 6 GOOD MONTHS OH !

u make brain , but ne poor man mentality be that oh!

Punk on a bus



A young punk gets on a cross-town bus.

He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and of course orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man:
"What are you looking at you old fart, .didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies:
"Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

Hot Chocolate and Viagra



A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.

The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"

The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."

The man says, "And the Viagra?"

"Keeps him from rolling and falling out of bed."

Recently, I was diagnosed with old age disease - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to move the Coke so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm and decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning,

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but won't remember it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some mop to wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

* The car isn't washed,

* The bills aren't paid,

* There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

* The flowers don't have enough water,

* There is still only 1 cheque in my checkbook,

* I can't find the remote,

* I can't find my glasses,

* And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

The Language of Love?


A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola downa lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."