₦airaland Forum

R- KELLLLLY!!!!!

just go to a good credible hospital and see a doctor.

And stop screwing around without protection.

Just came across this exercise suggested for men to build muscle
strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass
it on to some of my friends and family. The article suggested doing it three
days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at
each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight
out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a
full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this
position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then 50-lb potato
sacks.

Eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each
hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

(I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her Father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this
time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye
not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff, Dad, I became a prostitute, "

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings
certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex.

And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club, (takes a
breath), and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board
my new yacht in the Riviera and, ."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff, a prostitute Dad!
Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant". Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2002, the penis will be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $30.00 Which one would be your tax bracket?
8 - 10" Pole Tax $25.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $15.00
4 - 5" Nuisance Tax $3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.

Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
> to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"
> That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
> He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
> toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your
> toast?"
>
> John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
> beside me wife."
> "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
> The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
> street corner ,
> The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
> night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
>
> She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
> know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
> asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
> come."

Two men were driving through New Jersey when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.



"You're in New Jersey, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in New Jersey, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."



"I'm sorry, officer, " the driver said, "I'm from New York and didn't know your laws here."



The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back.



The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper. "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know you New Yorkers," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,
To which the littl e girl replies,'' Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

Our client, a Niger Delta Militant Group with branches in strategic locations throughout all the six South-South states of Nigeria is seeking to expand its operations to Abuja , the Federal Capital territory. This expansion has brought about vacancies for qualified and experienced young officers. The positions are:

Area Head, Kidnapping:

The successful applicant who will report to the Executive Council, and the Executive Director, Abuja , is expected to possess the following competencies:

1) Minimum of 10 years experience in militant agitation. (Membership of Al-qaeda, Hamas or other similar organisation will be an added advantage)

2) Fluent knowledge of Hausa, Ijaw, English, Italian and German

3) Expert ability to distinguish between Oyinbos and Albinos

4) Ability to swim in deep waters

5) Ability to recognise fake/marked naira notes by sight

6) Ability to easily recognise all Senators and Ministers of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Evidence of previous successful kidnap of BIG MEN must be provided (pictures preferable)


Photographer:

1) Minimum of 5 years experience taking photos in war zones. (Domestic fights do not qualify as war zones for these purposes)

2) Proficiency in the use of explosives as camera lighting.

3) Knowledge of the different skin tones of expatriates, as an aid to taking high-quality pictures, is a must.

4) Proficiency in the use of Adobe Photoshop, and Internet photo uploading software is a must.

Please include a portfolio of previous photo-samples (must contain kidnapped persons OR be taken in war-zones OR be nightshots in blackspots like Oshodi, 3rd Mainland bridge, Apongbon, etc)


Militant Trainee:

1) Candidates must be between the ages of 13 and 50, be at least 4m tall, and may be male or female.

2) Minimum of Nursery School/Kindergarten certificate.

3) Jobless university graduates, and serving policemen will be given special consideration.

4) Possession of jungle boots and face mask is a must.

5) Preference will be given to persons with knowledge of foreign European languages, and persons with the ability to swim.


Renumeration:

Very attractive, competitive, and comparable with industry standards (payments in foreign currencies).

Official guns, boats and grenades will be provided.

Excellent training, involving offshore secondment ( Iraq , Afghanistan etc) from time to time

Regular appearance on CNN, Alaaroye, Time Magazine, The Economist and other International magazines.

Excellent networking opportunities with Nigerian politicians, oil magnates, and foreign businessmen.


Interested applicants should forward their applications and detailed curriculum militae within two weeks to:

militant_recruitmen t@OsamaConsulting.com

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.



Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"



"Militants have kidnapped OBJ.



They're asking for a $500 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."



The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"



"About a litre."

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."



The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"



In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"



The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."



The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!, Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

whiteroses:
don't panic if he's a drug whatever it's none of your business just enjoy him and his money while you can

there was this girl that was feeling smart and rolling with a shady guy, unfortunately she was with him in his car when there was a drive-by shooting, they are both dead. dont put urself in a dangerous situation.

and as for those advising she call the cops on his ass, no matter what u cant tell on an ex-love, no one likes a snitch. dont put urself in a dangerous situation just tell him u cant be with him cos its compromising ur sfaty and leave. Dont get shot over something u r not part off.

he mite not be into drugs but most car dealers aint doing nothing legit, they cud be stolen cars and people like that ususally have dangerous friends.

be careful babes!

Mind my own business. but i'm way to conscious of things like that so when i eat in public i always go into the rest room and pick my teeth with a tooth pick or floss.

if u want to be a chic u have to go all out and take care of little matters like that, people will laff at u if u slip up once.

To marry a filthy rich oil/shipping magnate and be a kept woman.

shopping, travelling round the world and looking good can be real hard work, especially after the kids (i hear labor pain is a hand full, seriously considering a surrogate mother)

CATS RULE!!!! and dogs droll.

CATS RULE!!!! and sogs droll.

my dream job is to be a Victoria Secret Model.

My pay should be more than Giselle Buchnan's

and i expect to be the highest paid lingerie model and voted two--time sexiest woman on earth and be playmate of the year 2007.


show me the money!!!!!

He likes u dear!

hey just look at Dare Art- Alade, he's lo9unging and he doesnt have to sell another record for life, he's made, thanks to his much older wifey Deola.

He's a kept man, isnt that every man's dream?

oh thats an easy one, Propose to her.



Oh, with a nice rock.

The best movie i've seen since Apocalypto.

i want me a spartan hunk, they were hot!!!!

Its definately going into my favourite all- time movies category.
it was amazing.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question, which I have not been able to answer, is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't, "
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once,
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver,"

Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!

And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's German.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the! Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God.

I’m gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief Gets on the radio and the cop tell him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: “The Governor?" &! nbsp;

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief! : "The P resident?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John?”

Cop: “No Sir."

Chief: “Then what makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur

Lol.

Definately a fairytale.

Love, shmove, theres no such thing.

Nigga Pleezzzzz!

How cud u lead her on for 5 yrs, u r so wicked.

What goes around comes back around!

Tranquil:
I think I am walking out soon,

Duhhhhhhh!

Tranquil is getting too soobby and boring>