₦airaland Forum

Offpoint:
MissOffpoint mine is genuine o

Haha! somebody finally found a way to be even more ridiculous than you are.

Oya go and propose to her na...so that she will become MrsOffpoint

jeyselassie:
Not all men are lukewarm in prayer.

Not all women are either, least of all the OP so why is war room suddenly the solution to her problem....

baby124:
Exactly. Something is not right here... she’s obviously able to be social to speak to a strange guy in public, collect his number and start a relationship. So, why is meeting his family a problem? I can’t place my hands on it, but something is not right. Not like they even met through a mutual friend or something. Or maybe her sibling toasted him for her. She met this guy in PUBLIC... something most so called severe introverts are incapable of. She either had a lucid moment or she’s setting a tone...

It could also be that she doesn’t want anyone reading her and seeing her for who she is. That is why family is so important when meeting a future spouse. They can generally see what we refuse to see and a manipulative person will avoid that.

Lol we're really starting to dig deep...the more you look, the less you see...nawa

Yeah if I think of my brother and how I would feel if such happened... I would be p!ssed. it should be a basic courtesy to meet his family even if just for a short while because of your mental issues. For me I would try to calm myself down and at least meet his parents first, and just take it from there

So I guess this is why you heard alarm bells and told the man to run for his life... lol...

ecolime:
I like their own kind of "senseless" advice.. lol. They are very objective and unbiased.

Here, most women usually support women blindly while men support men blindly.

I wish our views can always be more balanced.

Not everybody supports blindly but there is more of an aggressive atmosphere which makes people more passionate/emotional

I dont think the advice this lady has gotten was as bad as the oil and gas guy is putting it. The lady can sift through the more extreme advice and get the one she thinks will suit her situation

baby124:
Socially aware is correct. I am not saying she should change who she is and suddenly start to gbe body at their events. All I am saying is that she show up, greet them, meet them and slowly at her own pace get to know them. With time their relationship will improve and they will have mutual respect. The family will even understand that she is a shy person. To totally refuse to meet them is a danger sign that this guy should run away from if she keeps it up.

By the way, why is she a severely shy person with a social person? We usually go for our opposites to bring us out of our shell o. Maybe OP was one of the only guys that could chase her and notice her.

Yeah I think i agree with you. What she did isnt too good, even if shes having some psychological issues. She needs to work on them so they wont get out of control and affect other areas of her life. But she still needs support

Well he said he met her in public on a chance encounter. Thats what I mean, even me myself, I doubt I would be able to trust somebody I met at random. So how did she do it, as shy as she is? There must be some kind of spark or something there that made this relationship possible. So they need to work on it together

baby124:
Lol. That’s the other extreme. Those ones who fight everybody . At least that one allowed you to enter the house to show you pepper. This one will not let you enter

Lol what difference does it make... once you start offending everybody thats how all those family feuds start. It's good to be with a socially-aware person sha

ecolime:
You make sense Op. So many kids on this forum dishing out senseless advises. Reason why i visit Quora more often these days.

I pray for peace in her home.

Lol Quora where they even make an effort to paint Nigeria in the most positive light

The advice there would be even more "senseless" oh

baby124:
I agree. But anyone that has issues with hanging around FAMILY! Whether the intending husband or wife’s family is a big sign. It looks very bad. And may get worse after marriage. Many families where people come in as in-laws and destroy relationships with their attitude. Destroy relationships even their children have with their own cousins and generally estrange them. Yes, introversion has spectrums but this is extreme. Any extreme behavior is grounds for serious caution! This is even in her best interest and she is not making an effort.

Lol you just made me remember my uncle's wife...very fantastical woman. Everybody was complaining that she's destroying the man and chasing everybody away... i didnt get it until i tried staying there and her pepper just washed my whole body

Well, its either OP and her agree to take a different approach or they should just forget the whole thing. She doesnt seem like a mean woman though, just misunderstood and perhaps a bit self-absorbed

Lol see him in his little pajamas... i think all little boys have those blue and red pajamas

If you see this woman on ankara you would think she was normal...too bad...

baby124:
Nigerians like to pretend like mental disorders do not exist. They will rather say she is possessed or needs deliverance. Then you are bullied to help out this person whose parents have the responsibility to help their child before unleashing them on unsuspecting people.

She needs time to work on herself. Anyone with mental health issues who are not willing to seek help or even try are a big burden. They can completely destroy your life, family bond and even your future children.

Growing up, I had a friend whose parents did not let them socialize. Like the parents take them to school, bring them back and lock them up in the house and go away. One of the parents I think was like this. 24/7 these kids are at home except for school. Even lesson, they teach them at home. Go to their house and you have to talk to them from the window if security will let you in. Looking back their parents were strange people.

Once they got small freedom like this, they are SO messed up today. Every thing wey get comma Dey their body... I don’t think the parent that was like this was normal. Those kids were imprisoned. I think they were even punished for making friends and for having friends visit. The time I decided to take it on myself to visit them, that was the last time they talked to me .

Introverted people are reserved, but they still socialize. Most just take their time to get to know and trust. One they feel they know you, they open up a lot. This case is not introversion, she doesn’t even have interest. I hope he’s not marrying a hermit. Those ones that won’t work, clean, bath or brush teeth but lock themselves in the house.

Yeah, he is not under obligation to help her but at the same time he shouldnt be treating her as a nuisance if he loves her so much

Yes, she has a responsibility to make an effort to be more open to interaction. After all she managed to snag this guy, so she's not totally incapable of making connections. She should do more or at least try to do more. I dont think meeting up with the guys friends and their other halves for a drink is too much to ask but she needs to train her mind not to be nervous and OP should help her do it

Yeah, coddling kids is just as bad as letting them roam around unsupervised...everything in moderation. And both types of kid will end up developing hatred for their parents

Yeah introversion is has a wide range of attributes... in any case not all introverts are really afraid of meeting people but they just prefer not to. I dont think this girls case is as extreme as being a total recluse or hermit because he would have complained about that too.

Both of them need to compromise sha...he shouldnt overload her with too much socialising and she shouldnt shut herself off from his family and friends, because in doing so, shes shutting him out too.

cooooooks:
We don't know her history. If he's this brazen now and IF they had actually dates while before marriage, he MUST have shown of his immaturity and high handedness.

It's not rocket science.

In this case, he's asking her to leave the house, or he leaves. Did they live together before marriage? Even for weekends only? If they did, did he ask her to leave his house when he was angry?

It's a rad ridiculous to suggest that you can NEVER see red flags in a relationship? Is it lottery?

People should definitely take note of red flags but youre making it seem like you should be able to predict absolutely everything somebody may become after the wedding. Sir, its impossible.

You would have asked her what happened during her courtship and if she saw any signs, instead of implying that she wasnt sure or she wasnt thinking clearly before the marriage. You cant be sure of what another human being is going to do

What omonikiba said answered your question, then you still went back and started blaming OP for not seeing some fictional red flags all over again

cooooooks:
I get what you're saying but at least every month, we see news articles of wives or husbands that were duped, toyed with or even killed by their spouses.

A spouse is someone you trust with your life and indeed the life of your children.

I think you have a responsibility to think very clearly and be very sure before the marriage and of course continue growing during the marriage. Especially if you guys didn't live together before marriage.

did you even read her post? So you think OP wasnt sure about the guy just because he has decided to show her his a$$ after the wedding?

Lol, oga.. there is no way you can know that your missing puzzle piece is going to drive you out of your house with your infant child up to 5 times because your mom sent you some palm oil, no way!

You cant know somebody until you know them, thats just the truth. Its not OPs fault if the man just started getting out of control... he's the one who needs to behave himself

baby124:
Exactly my point. Normal person whether shy or not will want to know who she is marrying. How do you know who you are marrying without getting to know his family and friends?

Something is not right and the OP obviously cannot see it because, he can’t understand it. Everyone presents their best selves to an extent before marriage and if this is her best self. Then LOL . I pray the real self is not worse than this.

Personally, my brothers did not marry any girl that did not like their family. All my in-laws and our spouses are like siblings. We all have our character traits but one thing that we take seriously is our family bond. That’s because family is important to us.

The family you marry into is so important. One should be very very interested in knowing them and the type of friend your husband keeps.

Introverts are naturally cautious and analytical. Always interested in reading unexpressed thoughts and understanding situations. This woman here is not introverted.

It takes a conscious effort to get over this kind of anxiety, maybe she even needs some psychiatric/psychological help ... if you dont confront it, it doesnt improve

If you marry into a close or tight-knit family then you need to know whats up... at least you can find one or two people that you like there and try not to be awkward. Or join everyone when theyre cooking, gisting, washing clothes, whatever. But to totally avoid them isnt too wise

My problem was just with the guy acting like he hasnt been seeing it all this while and then suddenly complaining that his sister thinks shes a snob... he doesnt sound like he's even trying to understand her at all or to help her come out of it

Yes, this is not the same as introversion. But introverted people suffer from it more because of their personality traits

baby124:
She has ISSUES! This is not shyness. A shy person will go to the event and may not mingle as much. This one behaves like she has a mental disorder. This is extreme my dear. Don’t mistake mental disorders for shyness. Shy people go out and function in the world. They work, they attend events. This one that can not be around people, Is who you want him to marry. If he was your brother trying to marry a girl that is running from all of you like she has something to hide, will you not be concerned?

She obviously has a lot to hide. She’s not a child she’s 24! She by now should have seen enough of life to know how to handle herself in a social setting. She is even Nigerian and Nigerians are very social people, that if you are shy you would have known how to blend by 24.

It’s Either that she has something to hide, she has mental issues or this is the tone she wants to set before marriage and will give him trouble for attending these functions after marriage.

You have a point. Yes, it is a mental disorder

At the end of the day, he has to work out whether he wants to help her out with it or not

She needs to help herself and he needs to stop acting like he hasnt noticed it all this while. Or they should call it quits

She is not a burden and she should not constitute a burden to others or be seen as a burden by her spouse

Especially in Nigeria where people will be quick to think whats wrong with this chick?

I snapped out of a lot of this when I grew up, even though i am still reserved. It is more out of choice than fear... her own is an extreme case and hes not helping

highbee02:
Midnighter, I'm waiting for your comment on this

Uncle i gat nothing to say.

GindoX:
I dey check ya signature, but I didn't see any photos of you.. You sound like adaku adama olili

What is aduka bla bla?

GindoX:
Where's the picture of you and your mom after the long trip?

Lol stay there and wait for me to upload it.. yeye

Huncho19:
There was a time I actually thought she was beautiful.

She is beautiful but a bit overweight. Its making her look somehow because of her round face

Extreme version of rubbish... there should be jubilating people from every region in the federation rushing to welcome her if she is serious

She is not only the first lady of the north

What is the essence of gathering to take a family photo and tagging it "jubilation"? In fact let me post the pictures I took with my mother after she returned from a long trip to the market

....Total and arrant rubbish

Its not great but its not the end of the world

ginaolo:
I met her randomly on the road it wasn’t in a social setting. But how do I deal with her not wanting to meet family and friends? It’s disrespectful to me. As a wife you have to be open to meet my family atleast, when they are always asking about her, I can’t keep on making excuses for her na. People think there’s something wrong with my gf even though I’ve told them she is the shy type.

You are right that she needs to make more of an effort to break out of her shell and connect with your family but at the same time you need to support her. There is a lot of material online and in books about how to combat social anxiety

You are sounding like she is an inconvenience to you instead of being concerned about her wellbeing

You must have known she was shy before..how come you never tried to help her get out of her shell until it came to your own sister and family...

OP she might grow out of the anxiety as time goes on and she gets used to your fam. You can as well try to combat the social anxiety together, there are books you can read and social exercises you can do that are very helpful

I had a similar issue to this...some aunts would look down on me and keep reporting me as a child, now their children misbehave and they will just smile and say nothing

Its very annoying but reading this i dont think your intention is really pure.. you have to divorce emotion from this.. its not really your problem if her kids are bad and if its just travelling to the village you can just ignore all of them

That village politics can get very bad... if you keep scolding her kids she may start rumours against you and then the whole umunna will be on your back

For me I just moved on even though it annoys me...we should rather blame our mothers for not defending their children when the monitoring was getting too much

And lastly when people talk out of pocket about your own kids be sure to look at the situation objectively and see whether your child deserves the punishment or not

Zorbadezinc:
No be only civil servant- - Obiano has screw the past two female speakers of Anambra house of Assembly, Most of the female members of the state House of Assembly, Female Commissioners , notably Tourism commisioner, , Female SSAs and SAs. He is well known for requesting for sexual favour in return for appointment and that’s why he has over 230 female SAs even as he is reputed to be impotent.

This almost permanently drunk governor has brought too much immorality into the state with his insatiable appetite for blue films which led to the Chidimma Cucumber Episode which the apparatus of the State Broadcasting Service was used to film for him, and which he paid a lot to die the case.

Disgraceful... hope none of this is true.. what a shame...

madridguy:
Gasoilandtheory: I believe this piece of explanation will enlighten you a bit about polygamy in ISLAM.
Mind you, ISLAM is a perfect religion.

The verse most commonly referred to with the topic of polygamy is Verse 3 of Surah 4 An-Nisa (Women). A translation by Yusuf Ali is shown below:

If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, Marry women of your choice, Two or three or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice.

— Qur'an, Sura 4 (An-Nisa), Ayah 3[1]
It is believed these Verses were revealed after the Battle of Uhud, in which many Muslim men were killed, leaving widows and orphans. Thus, many[who?] argue that these Verses have been revealed "because of Allah's concern for the welfare of women and orphans who were left without husbands and fathers who died fighting for the Prophet and for Islam. It is a verse about compassion towards women and their children; it is not about men or their sexuality." [2]

Excuse me, this stuff has no place in the modern age...polygamy is a scourge on society and needs to be stamped out

madridguy:
As a Muslim, one thing Allah SWT permitted but frown at is " divorce ".
In this regards, it is better the wife call her family and her husband's family and ask her husband this simple question " are you tired of this marriage " i think the man should be able to say whatever he has in mind. How could a responsible man be saying " i no do again at any little provocation " sending your wife out all the time. They both need to discuss this and find a lasting solution once and for all.

Shes not a muslim

But you are right about the rest...the man is not being reasonable. So its either he chases her out or he runs out of the house at 12AM, is he trying to say that he cant stay in the same house with his own wife Let him do as you say and tell her what his problem is

He has chased her away from the house over small issues up to 5 times and keeps telling her she is worthless. This is not normal. She doenst need to divorce necessarily but they cant continue like that

ecolime:
He's probably not financially comfortable at the moment and feels insecure/embarrassed with the foodstuffs sent. Young men and ego. I see reasons with you on this.

I would advise the wife to be calm and should never consider seeking attention outside. That's a NO NO.

Yeah you also have a point there. I saw it as pride because he kept reminding her that he doesnt need her, like he doesnt need her (money/ family's money). And she said that money is not their problem

But then he refused to buy just a small tin of baby food Chei... i dont understand oh

He is insecure about something.. either his money or his family background

She has already been calm and its not working... they need counselling

ecolime:
No one wants her to endure hardships in marraige all her life.

But she needs to find the root cause of her hubby's anger and be willing to make compromises. I want to believe the guy wasn't this cruel during their dating years.

Like I said in my first submission, money issues and lack of substantial financial support from our wives makes most men aggressive. Is she really supporting her hubby?

Yeah but at the same time every relationship has a rough patch

I agree with you, she hasn't really said what actually his problem is

She said in her first post that they both work and are very comfortable, then she said again that she contributes financially to their home

For me I think it's a pride issue. She might come from a well-to-do home and he's trying to cut her down to size. Did you see the part where he felt bad when her mother sent them foodstuffs? He can't feel bad unless he feels that her family pities or looks down on him

If he's feeling financially uncomfortable then he shouldn't feel somehow if his in-laws help him out...more men would complain that their wife's family is leeching from him

ecolime:
She never said her husband is cheating on her neither did anyone support such.

She said she suspects that he is... anyway enduring a hardship is not necessarily bad... it depends on the end to which you do it. There are fruitful hardships that help people progress and there are unnecessary ones that just break one down