₦airaland Forum

Evangkatsoulis:
Rivers native.

Sorry, no access to email. You’re welcome to mention me on a thread and I can respond

Viking07:
You are right, but the fact remains - MAJORITY of women would rather stay put in abusive relationships due to their financial struggles or societal stigma. This particular thread is a good example.

In Naija, societal stigma far outweighs financial struggles but often the most prevalent reason is psychological and some sort of sick co-dependence that people often write off as juju.

computergeek:
Update On The Wife Battery Case: She Went Back To The Abusive Man

What's up people? This is an update thread on the wife battery case. This one might also be a bit lengthy, so bear with me. Lots of people have been asking me about the case, and I had to make this update to fill everyone in at once.


The best security a woman can have is her own gainful source of income. If that woman has something doing, I'm not sure she'd go back to an adulterer who beat her with the intent to murder. Women, please be careful with your lives. Think about your kids. If you die, who will look after them? Don't let society pressurize into marrying beasts.

Nope!

The best security is knowing your worth and placing value on yourself so that you can recognize what you should not accommodate.

Yours is a common erroneous conclusion in these cases and it’s misleading because it causes women to enter into these abusive relationships with misplaced trust in the power of their earnings to help them survive. They enter the trap with the self delusion that they can leave at anytime because they have a job.

If it was just money, it would not be happening in the western world where victims have welfare assistance to support them yet such women stick with deadbeats who do not spend any money whatsoever on them.

The majority of DV victims in Naija are working women so let’s not continue to propagate this urban myth. If you marry an abuser, you will suffer abuse, period! It does not matter how much you earn. Once you match a victim persona to an abuser’s, you get an abusive relationship. Avoid becoming a victim, don’t marry an abuser, trust your instincts, these precautions will take you farther than any salary can

@wolverine1989, bukatyne, ornicus - thanks for voicing out. Most Naija women are income earners and most of the victims are income earners but the generalization never fails.

cococandy:
It’s because money in naija is such a big deal to us and very hard to come by. if you look at situations around us, everyone understands why. At least that’s what I think.
Me in naija would be very very extremely wary of giving another person totally control over all of my income without being sure they are on the same page with me with their own income as well.

But me here would not think twice about it. Knowing that if I lose everything, I’ll just cut off the source of loss and in no time I’ll make the money all over again.

But even rich people in Naija with overflowing bank accounts don’t do joint. I think the movement will take time to gain followers especially with this current breed of control freaks

For real? Folks have to pay with their own money in order to vote for another person to receive N60M? Doesn’t sound right

bukatyne:


You are right @ the Nigerian thingy.

When I tell people (on a need to know basis) that we pull all resources in one pot, they become very uneasy with all sort of questions.

They become uneasy because our Naija minds are instinctively drawn to the worst case scenarios (poisoning, hired killers, second wife, kids outside wedlock, etc) and no matter how much we love we still believe there should be a line when it comes to money. In fact, money equals life, joint accounts sound like giving someone the power of life and death over you

As someone who shares all accounts with my husband, I can tell you that it would be hard to make it work with a controlling spouse. Sharing works but that is when there is perfect transparency , trust and major cohesiveness when it comes to big spending. It is not a matter of compulsion or being authoritarian, each person gets their one 50% vote, regardless of how much they contribute or even if they don’t have a job.

A friend stopped sharing with her husband because of his controlling ways, she volunteered that to me herself. If one partner is domineering then maybe sharing is not a good idea because it is going to lead to stress and fights. If he doesn’t have the login information to online banking, sounds like you’re not completely comfortable with him yourself. In sharing, each person has full access (including passwords) at all times. It sounds like you’re both not a 100% committed to this sharing idea and that’s not a crime, try something else.

Incidentally, with most of the joint account couples I know, the woman manages the money and the man earns more. Maybe it takes more trust for a man to share with a woman rather than vice versa, I do not know but that’s what I have observed. It sounds like he does not trust you to manage money (I’m not accusing you of anything here) and if that’s the way he sees the situation, all the more reason to shelve the joint thing for now until you can both agree on how to move forward. Joint accounts, realistically, from my unscientific observation, don’t work for most Naija marriages. It’s either someone is spending too much on their own relatives , diving into sketchy business deals, making questionable investments, overspending , maintaining an unaffordable asoebi lifestyle, has a side chic/guy, etc

I would not call you dumb, I would just say maybe you’re trying do something with someone of a different mindset so it’s not working out. It’s not compulsory to share. It’s obvious you are very resentful about how things are being done and he’s lying about transactions so why suffer? If it’s not working, try something else. Having peace in your marriage is more important than sharing accounts when you’re not on the same page. Joint accounts require unity of purpose. For me, the idea makes it easy to plan and to manage the finances because it’s all one pot, one for all and all for one. We swim or sink together, each person knows what our assets are and knows where all the skeletons are buried.

hopefully:
I need help.

My husband lied to me and thinks I am naive.

We keep a joint account and it was his idea which is not so much of a problem to me. What baffles me is that he likes to have 100% control over my income, when I need to buy stuffs for myself and the kids, he questions it. When I need to give my parents anything, he knows about it and 90% of the time every penny that goes to my people goes through his account just so that they think he is the one responsible for it and same to his family. My parents asked me once that why is everything coming from your husband and you are working? It bothers me a bit but that is how my huaband wants it. My mother asked me for cash last Christmas but my husband declined saying there is no cash and that we already bought them xmas gift and why is she asking for money again.

I am very carefree when it comes to issues like this, he gives people cash at will. He forced me to withdraw 25% of my pension and put over half of it in his account. Out of my pension, he gave out 300k to his friend and I didnt complain but when my parents asks for stuffs he complains to the extent that he recently said they are liabilities. These are people who sent me to school for bsc and masters in UK, gave us 2k dollars when we had our kids. I make more money than him and will not complain. Sometimes he asks me to log into my bank account to see my transactions. He expects me to transfer every penny of my salary to our joint savings account after I take care of my portion of the bills. He is an advocate of telling the truth and transparency but yet I found him wanting.

Of recent he forgot his phone at home and I went through it. His friend asked to loan some cash which he did. When his friend was about to return the money, he asked his friend to use it to buy a tv for his mum in nigeria. Dont get me wrong, I will never ask him not to buy stuffs for his mum infact when his mum makes I demand, I push to wnsure that he gets it for her because I believe every parent suffered on their kids and they need to reap the benefits. But he bought the tv and never mentioned it to me till now. I kept quiet like I didnt know. Of recent, his mum called and mentioned something about delivery of something to her house and I asked him about it, he lied to me and said it was their uncle who bought something for her. Immediately after that conversation, he deleted his whatsapp conversation with his friend not knowing that I already saw it. I have been acting normally, we talk,gist have sex and all and I only think about it when I wake up in the middle of the night. I plan to talk to him about it this weekend but what concerns me is that why do people behave like this, how do I know he hasn't been doing this in a long time while I am 100% truthful to him. He goes through my phone, checks my account and yet he is not sincere. I dont have any cash called mine because he enforces me to put everything in our joint account, even my pension was withdrawn and over half of it in his account and the while cash is gone. I cant go out to but somethig for myself without him approving it orherwise trouble. Of recent my mum came visiting and I bought her powder and foundation of less than 30 dollars and when he saw it in my account, he complained saying that must I buy her stuffs each time we go out?

Am I being a good wife or am I just DUMB?

Please help!

@ Topic

I would say “yes.” Let’s face it, the average Naija man does not exactly have high standards when it comes to the looks of a woman’s body. If they did, there wouldn’t be so many women beating faces while neglecting the way their body looks.

You didn’t say how old she is. You’ve been dating for 6 years with a child before marriage. Maybe she’s feeling like you stole her youth before she could really discover herself. Maybe she’s now old enough to realize that you’re not her specs.

Ultimately, it sounds like she’s simply not into you anymore. . . . assuming she ever was. If she wants to end the relationship, don’t force her to change her mind because that’s only delaying the inevitable. If you did something wrong to cause the change (your past mistakes maybe?) then you’ll have to convince her that you’re truly remorseful and maybe she’ll give you another chance. Life’s too short for “manage-manage” relationships. All the best.

TochiPhotos:
Happy Sunday guys! I hope everyone had a good weekend?

The past 2 weeks have been extremely stressful for me. The new academic year started 2 weeks ago and it's been really difficult finding a perfect balance between my academic pursuits and running my videography/channel. Studying at my university is difficult. The standards are very high and they expect everyone to always give their best. Sometimes we have classes from 9am till late in the evening, and even on weekends when you're supposed to have time to do other things, the lecturers will give assignments that will take the entire weekend to finish. It's like they don't realize we have lives outside the university. Smh.


Sometimes, I get really frustrated, depressed and extremely sad cos of the fact that I didn't get my degree earlier when I was 20 or 21 years old. It would have made things much easier for me. I mean I'd have just dedicated all my time and energy on my goals and the pursuit of better economic opportunities for myself and my family. Sometimes I just want to cry out of frustration because I feel like I should be doing much more with my life than spending my mid twenties at the university for my first degree. It pains me but na condition make crayfish bend and I believe that everything in life happens for a reason and I hope that one day, the dots will connect and all of this will make sense.


My advice to any young person reading this, abeg if you have the opportunity to get your degree at 18 or 20, please do it and know you're done with it and focus on other things. Studying Masters abroad is much more flexible than Bachelors. Masters students have the option of taking their classes in the evening, which means they can work as much as they want in the day and they also have fewer classes than Bachelors students. So guys abeg get your BSc as early as you can it will really help you.


Ehen… about the girl I told you guys about.


So I met this really lovely girl her name is V. She is a beautician and owns a beauty studio in the center of Saint Petersburg. We met at the park where she usually comes to walk her dog every night. There is usually a park/kids playground in every apartment block or complex here in Saint Petersburg and every evening, people usually come out there to play or walk their dogs.


First time we met, we just got talking and walked around the park till late in the night. We didn't actually go on a proper date because we're both busy in the afternoons. So we just usually meet late in the night and have a chat at the park and walk the dog.
I genuinely like her as a person and wanted to pursue a good long lasting friendship with her instead of relationship cos I really like her personality and felt we would be good friends who can add value to each other's life. I never tried to initiate anything se3xual with her, I genuinely enjoy spending time and the good conversations so I was really relaxed and didn't try to rush into taking things to the bedroom.


But as she would later tell me afterwards, my calm and respectful demeanour was a major turn on for her and drove her crazy. She said she never expected such patience from me because from my appearance I looked like a player and as a beautiful girl she is also used to guys always trying to impress her and trying to do anything within their power to lure her into bed, but the fact that I was a complete opposite of that was surprising and hot lol. And she also told me she apparently started feeling sad because she thought she wasn't beautiful enough for me and I don't find her attractive. that's why I haven't made any suggestive moves but kept things casual and friendly. She told me all these after we had already been intimate lol. The way it happened was that one night after our walk, she invited me to her apartment to drink tea (which is code for you know it lol)



Guys please subscribe to my YouTube channel http://youtube.com/c/AfroRossiyaTv make una help me reach 1k subscribers na beg I dey beg una biko )

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@tochiphotos

Thank you for editing. As you have honoured that person, God will honour you too. . . . . amen.

chineduisaac:
Crushsugar pls I have a silly question.
Why are their roads always clean? is it that they don't have sand or people don't throw things on the ground

From childhood, public littering is indoctrinated as a no-no. Even people who have dirty homes don’t typically litter when they are outside. It’s like a subconscious setting of the mind without you even being aware of it. Dropping litter does not come naturally and littering often comes with heavy fines when you are caught so not many people do it. Strangely enough, I find it to be one of the easiest things immigrants from third world countries are able to adapt to quickly

Beyfit:
Yes, Exercise is good but there are times that you need to fit into that particular dress and instead of u having your tummy bulging out this is where waist trainers will come in and help your body to fit properly into that dress.

we also have Exercise waist trainer that u will use while exercising

Do u know that exercise cant give you figure 8 waist?

WELL, WAIST TRAINER WILL GIVE FIGURE 8 WAIST IN NO TIME

the benefit of using it is enormous.

Very much disagree with the bolded.
Your first paragraph buttresses what I said - camouflage/hide but not same as treat and the figure 8 given by the trainer is a very temporary illusion at best. That is what products like this do but they do not treat the problem.

This should be a lesson to this generation for when you are planning (yes, you should have a plan) to have kids. Do the maths for how much you can afford to spend on your kids so that you are not looking to other people to supplement you. Kids are expensive, raising them is not getting cheaper. Cut your coat according to your cloth to avoid embarrassment!

In this case, the in laws should have rented short term accommodation in this town for the boys to enjoy themselves in peace without being burdens in their sister’s home. The world is changing, financial arithmetics in every sphere of life has become imperative, it’s time my people embraced accountability for their own decisions. A family has at least 3 (wife and the 2 boys) grown kids, maybe more; yet you try to award 2 of them to a man that is still raising his own 2 young kids. Haba!

From your narrative, it sounds like she’s not comfortable with how you use the family income so she’s taken it upon herself to save compulsively. You’ve mentioned how you pay bills but are you able to put aside any tangible savings after those bills? Is it possible her strategy is to save for possible emergencies that may occur?

Communication is key here. Who or what is she saving for? Do you both need to open a joint account so that there’s transparency with the family budget? Since she’s not spending her money on frequent owambes and asoebis, it does not sound like you have a major problem. You both just need to understand and plan the savings.

I’m female and I run the household income/budget with occasional input from my husband. That works for us because there’s mutual trust and frankly, it’s less headache for my husband as he doesn’t have to worry his head about planning the money. His income is double mine but no one is siphoning secret monies to do secret anything. All income goes into a joint account.

Get a second and even third medical opinion to rule out any developmental concerns. If it’s not a medical issue then it is what it is but know that he will eventually outgrow it.

If he goes to school everyday, why is he burdened with “extra lessons?” Let kids be kids, there should be ample time to play and enjoy the things they like to do. What kind of school is he going to that he still needs to add extra classes on top? There are only 24 hours in a day, where is the time for fun? Instead of extra lessons, maybe you just need a better school?

As for extracurriculars, our people tend to overdo things. Piano, basketball, soccer, cross country, swimming. Do you really have enough time on your hands to support all that 100% with two kids and a baby? Let him decide his favourite sport(s) and then you and your husband commit to dedicating time to grow that, no need to be a Jack of all trades. Most 9 year olds are simply not capable of joggling so many activities at the same time. Lots of kids do better academically because they have balance in the form of non academic activities that truly make them happy but having a roster of multiple extraCs all at the same time is just plain tiring. It’s tiring for the parents and it’s tiring for the kids.

If he doesn’t do the piano homework, that’s your cue that maybe he’s simply not that into it. Don’t force him. Often, immigrants get carried away with wanting their kids to do elitist activities that we consider posh. All well and good if the kid wants to do it. Not so great when it’s the parents pushing. These things take, energy and money. How much of all 3 do you have to support so many activities?

Sending him to Naija in 2019 might be the worst mistake you’ll ever make. It’s you and your husband’s responsibility to bring him up, not teachers, not relatives. The same Naija boarding schools where students drink and smoke and bribe authority figures freely? or do you think it’s the boarding schools of yesteryears? If you can afford to send him to an expensive (a cheap one will turn him into a tout) Naija boarding school, use those funds to find a solution where you live. No one is going to love your son more than you. Naija is not your solution. You are his Mom, it’s your job to provide solutions after all, you birthed him. Make sure your husband is also involved in finding the solution.

@Topic

Girdles, body shapers, spanx, waist trainers, etc do not “treat” large tummy. They can only hide/camouflage it.
For treatment, look to diet and exercise

mamajohn:
BeeJay, the husband of my good friend, Alero left home since August 11, he hasn't return since then. His phone is switched off while all means of communicating with him has been severed. His elder brother was able to trace him to the house of one of his former colleagues who is a single mother of one, they were colleagues while BeeJay was still working in a commercial bank. It was one of the drivers in the bank who helped the elder brother to locate him yesterday. I went in company with his brother, elder sister and her husband to see him this afternoon and he explained that he is tired of living with his wife who has been making life unbearable for him since he lost his bank job earlier this year. His elder sister told us that she has had to help in settling issues between them recently. His decision sounds strange, how can he relocate to another lady's house simply because he had issues with his wife? We didn't see the other lady though. All effort to explain things to him hasn't yield any result, he is adamant on not returning home. He is still there. His wife is now planning to get the single mother arrested but we pleaded with her to stay action and let's see if we can prevail on him first. Please house, is the option of getting someone arrested a good one or we should continue to find ways of resolving the issue, thank you all.

Unless the single mother kidnapped him, she didn’t commit a crime. Only hungry, bribe fed policemen would arrest her. The man is an adult and has chosen to leave his wife. Instead of pleading with the wife to not harass the single mom, you should leave husband and wife to solve it on their own. If they can’t resolve it, everyone should mind their own business. Maybe his eyes “ saw some things “ and maybe not.

If a man does not want you, respect yourself, have some dignity and let him go. If you need child support from him, follow due process to get that.