₦airaland Forum

Another example.

One of the things that got her into the union was how much he was able to spend on her. She was used to the big life anyway. He met her as a high maintenance lady.

He did not allow her to work because he could provide for her needs.

But he lost in a big investment. Now, she can't have all she used to and just cannot deal with that.

How practicable is it that she stays on and cuts her spendings and just accepts the inadequacy and lives with him like that.

Looks impracticable to me but looks like breaking the marriage isn't a good option. How does she handle this?

Look at the bolded
If the foundation is faulty, what do you expect?

It's better to marry by mutual desire than as a result of one person continually pleading and pressurizing
If he wants to marry you, he knows where to find you though I would suggest you both seriously re-evaluate the relationship first

Yes, a budget is important

@OP

You need money to bring up an ajebutter, the problem is you may have money today but not tomorrow
A higher and more honorable aspiration is good breeding which money cannot by
Children with proper upbringing will reflect class, regardless of their financial circumstances

Some of the ways to achieve this -
Watch your vocabulary, eschew violence, nothing screams classless and poor breeding like casual comfort with violence towards others, cussing, abusing, etc
Do not embrace the language of money-miss-roads, the cultured rich do not boast, they are not lousy and they are not braggarts
Make sure please and thank you are basics in your child's vocabulary, old fashioned good manners are priceless any day
Make sure your kids treat all people (rich and poor, old and young) with respect and be honorable in all that they do
Buy the best that you can afford, do not compromise on affordable quality. Quality before quantity
. . . . . Etc

Should they? Depends on whom you married
As for me, I 100% believe they should unless one or both of them cannot (for whatever reason) be trusted with access

Lol

Today, I think people overthink this idea of marriage too much, sometimes it sounds like heading to battle. Marriage is a coupling of friends, not enemies and not meant for people that can barely tolerate each other. Maybe I am just an oldfashioned romantic but I believe in love and I believe it covers up a lot of things.

I will talk about your cooking example since I can provide first hand account - look at a marriage as "what can/does he/she do?" Not "what does he/she not do?"

My husband cannot cook save for basic boil rice, egg but he can eat cereal+milk, bread+ stew, sausage rolls, pancakes, sandwich, cookies+hot chocolate, etc as a meal anytime of the day. He has no rules around "I must eat so and so at this time." Our kids have been brought up that way too. I cook or we go to a restaurant, buy takeout, fry eggs, etc even for dinner. As long as no one is starving. There is always food in the house in different forms, doesn't have to be poundo + bushmeat. Some men are simply not deep into this food thingy

Now, this person that cannot cook, cannot stand dirt/untidiness which means if anybody is wasting time with cleaning, he will happily do it himself without asking anybody. If you don't clear up the laundry hamper quickly enough, he will put all the clothes in the washer himself, dry them and damn your whining about mixing up colors. He will clear the kitchen sink faster than you can say " it is so and o child's turn to do it." He helps in the kitchen with the most basic tasks and I could go on and on.

He cannot wash a car to my satisfaction, the reason why I do all the car washing myself at the self serve car wash. Which means I wear jeans and rubber boots and wash by myself.

Marriage is work but it is not labor, take your time to know who complements you. Right now, we have no stew in the house because we ran out. So tonight, we might go out for dinner or just eat something light at home tonight, no biggie.

Me that cannot guarantee I will have "real food" at all times, when it is time for him to eat, unless I'm asleep or out of the house, I dish his food myself, set the table for him,invite him to eat and stay with him till he is done. I treat him like a king and he treats me like a queen, works for us.

I could write more but have to go now. Remember -first things first, marry your friend.

@Post

Maybe you are just not communicating this properly but your opening post makes it sound like your primary need is a cook. Nothing wrong with that but it sounds like this may also be the driving determinant in choosing a bride.

As the happily married wife of a man that cannot cook, I am used to making the meals and it's really no big deal but my cooking has never been my selling point and he did not marry me because of my culinary skills. Be careful not to lose a good woman because she cannot cook, life is more than food and anybody can learn how to cook if they want to, it's not rocket science. There are worse traits than not knowing how to cook.

Note that if you are arriving home as late as it sounds, a meal "with the works" is probably not what you need at that time of night. Eat the heavy stuff earlier in the day (I assume you buy lunch outside) and be ready to finish with light meals for late dinner - it's better for your health and your metabolism

He's under pressure because he is being tempted and is leaning towards wrongdoing
You RUN from temptation, you don't play nice with it

Ileoba,

I see you o, happy thanksgiving

Thank you, pickabeau

@ damiso

America's sweetheart, how's it going? Hope your family and Mama Dami are all well.

Chillisauce: Nice post u got up there mMotimo...this your name sef.

As per coogar and Ileo...their offspring will be fire, I tell you. They will start debate in the morning, end with it at evening. Kids will not be left out o. Even their a yr old baby will not be left out

I can bet money that coogar's woman is just as feisty as ileoba. Men like this cannot live happily with a doormat. I have no doubt that she is very intelligent and debates are a part of their relationship.

ileobatojo: Hello Mmotimo. If my comprehension does not fail me, you are saying I hold extremist views. Are you referring to the subject of discussion in this thread? Would you please clarify with examples? Thanks.

PS: I'm not trying to argue but I must say I'm really confused. I would like a chance to prove that statement wrong.

Your comprehension has definitely failed you

I said both of you are too intelligent to hold extremist views. Frankly, I'm hoping you are the naija gal coogar is marrying, perfect match of intelligentsia

A couple of months ago, I read your post on this topic and I recall it was balanced

@Topic

Absolutely nothing - long as you did not marry your enemy

Vivianc,

I'm here to pay my respects
May the good Lord grant your loved ones the strength to cope with your untimely passing

Coogar, judging from your information about her mother, it is like I suspected then.

My research is not scientific by any means but certain things link and I know enough Naija women that I can see commonalities. I could detail the background of each stay home Naija woman I know but this is going to be a long post so won't waste your time.

I find that Naija gals whose mothers are/were career focused and/or independently comfortable financially/wealthy are more likely to embrace the stay home idea. Chances are women like that come from relatively comfortable (maybe wealthy, maybe not) backgrounds where money is/was not a major issue, were raised by strong women, know what they want in a spouse (will usually marry for love and not desperation) have a value system that may not necessarily be popular, are very prudent with money and usually marry someone that complements them. The idea of not having an income does not scare them but they will not choose to stay home if it is not economically viable.

The offspring of strong women usually grow up with an inbred confidence and self-assurance that enables them define themselves on their own terms and not just labels. I think this is why staying home is so easy to embrace for such gals, IF it is an affordable choice.

In the early/mid 2000s, Nigeria saw the emergence of a new middle class and a lot of job creation that enabled women to become "career women." All fine and good except that many of them forget that some of their peers today, who are in their 20s, 30s and even 40s; were already raised by career women who gained a foothold back in the 60s, 70s and 80s when a lot of Naija women had an almost master-slave relationship with their husbands. For women who had career mothers, the idea of career women was long established in their world so today, they are less likely to be overwhelmed/driven by the label of career women. They are just "women" no labels, nothing to prove/disprove.

Like it or not, good or bad, we are products of our backgrounds, experiences and value system and Naijas in general are not very understanding or receptive to ideas that are alien to their own reality. "If I have to support my extended family, if my husband's income alone is not sufficient for my household, if my husband is a wakabout/abusive and I cannot trust him how dare you say you can be a stay home mom and be happy?"

The first questions about staying home are affordability, trust and also, the kind of person you are married to. If you already missed it with your choice of spouse, if your income supports your extended family, if you have expensive tastes that cannot be met on one income, if your career is your identity, etc; then you already know it is not an option.

For most people, it is not an affordable choice and there is no shame in that. For those who can afford it and who have made the choice because they find it meaningful, kudos to you! If it was affordable after our first child, we would have opted for it instead of waiting till later. Affordability is a matter of simple arithmetic.

If you are a woman out there that is considering staying home but fearful your spouse may die, please get life insurance, they are available in Naija too. The younger and healthier you are, the cheaper the premiums. This is assuming mutual trust exists so that the man does not think you have plans for his life. Frankly, you should both have life insurance policies, it is called planning. Make sure you use an established, proven, reputable insurance company.

If you are at all able, please target big, established companies for employment. Not sure how it works in Naija these days but in Oyinbo land, most large organizations have policies to help you balance work/family.

Last but not least, it has to be a joint decision between husband and wife

I have a lot of respect for career women, after all it is a valid choice, my second BFF is 100% career with the recognition and laurels to prove it too. I mingle with a lot of them everyday. Some stayed home until their kids were grown, some did not, some have taken a year or two off work to travel the world with their families and bond more, some choose to only work part time, etc etc. A lot of them exist in my world, just like stay home moms.

Apologies for another long post by talkative Mmotimo I don't come here much so please indulge me. Thanks for reading.

P.S. I know some of your more outlandish statements here are to wind people up. Like Ileoba, you are too intelligent to hold extremist views.

@Topic
Absolutely nothing

@ Coogar, I'm curious.
Have you found a woman who shares your views
Is she Nigerian?
Is/was her Mom financially independent and/or career focused?
In your world, are there stay at home Moms?

Pardon me if I'm being intrusive. I ask these questions because of certain observations I have made about Nigerians and the topic of stay home Moms , you could say it is part of my "research."

I have been a stay home Mom before, after tge second child came (not affordable after the first one) but some things don't last forever because as needs rise, income is needed too. I cannot count the number of stay home Moms in my world - my boss' wife, my sis-in-law, colleagues' wives, my BFF, acquaintances, friends, neighbors, teachers' wives, etc so I have first as well as second hand accounts and no, it is not like Nollywood nor is it like what happens in homes where it is not an affordable choice.

I probably won't be back here till the evening but I would appreciate a response to the questions up there
For now, all the stay home Moms feeling a need to hide because you do not want to be ridiculed - ponder this, the person who claims to be a career woman and is ridiculing you might just be a money launderer for proceeds of her husband's 419 crimes. Keep your head up!

A lot of Naijas need lessons from that makeup artist. Matching eye shadow to each and every hue of your attire is not necessarily right unless you are performing theatricals on stage under bright lights.

@ Post

Beautiful girl, skillful make up artist