₦airaland Forum

Saao:
I believe orphans(no mother and father) can easily fall into d hand of wrong woman expecially no mother around him to guide him, I maybe wrong. Did u share dsame opinion with me?

No, I do not share your opinion. Anyone can choose a bad spouse, irrespective of whether they have parents or not. The right choice involves a lot of independent thought. You should be the one deciding, not your parents or family. This may sound untraditional but I absolutely would choose whom to marry, irrespective of what my parents thought. That is just me though but that's the way I was raised so . . . .

It depends on the stage of the marriage - early years, later? Also depends on the causes of the quarrels.

Quarreling does not necessarily mean incompatibility, it may just be learning to live with each other, learning to accommodate each other in your personal space. Compatibility should have been ironed out in courtship if each person knows what they are doing and not just rushing into marriage.

We had our fair share of quarrels in the early years, mainly because of my temperament but at this stage, the absolute worst would be a 5 minute argument about something. As time goes on, you grow into each other and become more tolerant as you learn to ignore stuff that could/would have caused quarrels in the past.

I am trying to understand the opening post. I feel like it is suggesting that men are/should be the decision makers in the home and it's asking if the wife would fall in line or not? Or maybe I'm reading it wrong?

To answer the questions, no, I would not marry someone whose decision making I could not trust but if they were willing to listen to my input on decision making and willing to consider my decision/stance objectively, I could still marry that person.

Dictators of any kind don't last long in my life, I am prone to rebel against such people and would never have married one. Backgrounds also come into play here, my Mom made major decisions all the time without permission, she just did what felt right. My parents were not the type to decide which school you went into or course in university (exception being primary and secondary school) and not the type to dash around with how to get you in, you sank or swam on your own ability. I started making life decisions for myself before I left secondary school - which university, what course, which JAMB school, job, what I wanted in a spouse/ whom to marry, when to leave the country, etc. I do my research well ahead of major decisions and I can humbly say they have been relatively solid decisions without regrets.

As a result, my decision making for the household (including finances) is highly respected by my spouse because he knows I do my research, the household's overall good is always my priority and frankly, it takes the pressure off him. I just make sure I have his buy in - which is almost always guaranteed.

Rihanna - that style was made for the tall and willowy

EfemenaXY:
Damiso, I'd like to ask you something o!

You mentioned once that your daughter though outgoing, found it a bit difficult settling into her new school as per the little girls at that stage had already formed their cliques? Has she settled in now?

Abeg, how old was she when she transferred from the private nursery to the state (Catholic) nursery? The reason I ask is because I'm thinking of transferring my little girl from her private nursery to the mainstream state (Catholic) school all of her brothers attended, now that she's turned three. Thing is, I'm at crossroads here because I love her nursery and they really pamper her there. A lot of the mums I've spoken to in similar situations say they won't start their little ones at the Catholic school till their kids reach five because the school is too "academic" for their liking. Too "school-ish" if you know what I mean.

I look at her and can see that she's keen learner (always has been) but I just don't know. Her private school is also more flexible in terms of the hours offered but that's not the case with the state school. Thing is, the Catholic school is sooooo over subscribed. It's a small school with just one class per year and I put in her application when she was just 3 months old (immediately after her baptism). She was offered a place in the school way back in September to start shortly after she turns three. My youngest son is currently in that school and I suspect that apart from the very early application, she got that place as per having a sibling currently in that school.

My main worry now is this: if I leave her where she is to continue with the private school which is strictly 0-5 years, then what happens when I try to get her into the mainstream catholic school? By then her brother would have left and she wouldn't have that sibling criteria / condition to back up her application. It would literally kill me if she's not offered a place then because as far as I'm concerned, the other nearby state primary schools do not measure up to this one by a long mile.

Gosh, I'm so confused here! UK Mums in the house with daughters, your advice.

CC:
Chaircover
Edwife
Naijababe
Mmotimo

And any other mums, your input pls...

Sorry this is coming late, I have been away for a while and you probably have a decision by now but better late than never.

The younger they are, the easier it is for kids to adapt to change. Personally, my preference is to make changes that have a longer term effect, sooner than later. Since the intent is to end up at the Catholic school eventually, I would work towards that now because elementary school is longer term.

At her present age, it would be easier to adapt quickly to a new crowd and though most kids adapt eventually anyway, I still believe in parents doing the best possible when it comes to change management and timing is always an important piece.

lomprico:
Rape should not be a thing to joke with!

This thread is in very bad taste

Her dead sister's husband? That does not sound right at all.

Naomi, the ageless beauty

@ Topic

Hate is a strong word. Let's just say it's highly irritating when a good, sensible thread becomes a battle ground for endless back and forth arguments that nobody reads, just opinionated egos having the time of their lives. It's incredibly disrespectful to everybody else. Who wants to read page upon page of arguments no one in your real life would give you the time of day for.

Another is the lack of decorum when you are old enough to know better. Youngsters can be excused but at a certain age, you need to step up and act your age. The internet never forgets. If you would not like your boss, colleagues, subordinates, spouse, kids, Pastor, etc to read what you wrote, you should not be writing it. Ultimately, complete anonymity might just be a mirage.

The site needs an argument/fight section, people of like minds can then go there to be entertained.

If she wants sex, she should seduce him. Wear something for the mood and give him a lap dance.
By the way, I thought only we women ever get that petty - no sex because you offended me

Someone you are going to marry? There is nothing like too close if you are aiming to choose right

OP, look at the bright side - at least you didn't marry him, seems like that would have been worse
Pick yourself up and tell yourself you deserve better. What does not kill you makes you stronger and wiser

Sai Buhari
Our people need hope and they crave change
I do not know if he is the perfect choice but I know in my heart that he is the better choice

Nah. . . . . The words are "whatever you want"

If you love that boy as much as you say, do him a favor and tell his Mom. If he gets into some real shiiiiittttt because of his stealing, his Mom may never forgive you for not alerting her and could even happily heap some of the blame on you for "covering" him. Strange? Oh yes!

Glocal1:
All I ask for is God's blessing wherever I am, but I still like to travel abroad, I pray God makes a way for me. All u people out der, don't discourage us that want to come o, bc we believe the environment out der rewards hard work s success- inducing. Or am I in a trance?

Very true and if you cut your coat according to your cloth, your life will be comfortable but if you start to spend big money when you are not earning big money, you are bound to run into trouble.

Its my first time on nairaland, dont like ere much but am here because of how I feel now. Its not like I eat much but there are some certain foods wen I eat I eat it well. Now my appetiete seems to be increasing, I dont know Its because am a breastfeeding mum, my son feeds alot,once I breastfeed him eventhough I just ate I immediately feel hungry again. I dont know if its me or there mums with such change in their diet due to breastfeeding. Please share with me, may be it will stip my husband from making my life miserable.
Yesterday I bought myself a loaf of bread, I ate a quater of it, my husband didnt seem interested but wen he saw me eating I think he got interested. HE said I should serve him some and I said d rest wont satisfy him so I offered to make him something else. Thats how I became his huge topic. He lamented and lamented and ended it saying ,"you eat like a thief" and also said my tommy has grown bigger due to too much eating. If I had my way i would post a photo of me , I am sexy and fit as a lady who has never had kids, men still make passes at me so sorry to say that, and even women walk up to me and admire my shape, am not saying I av a totally flat tommy, but after two kids still looking this way then I tried. Those words hurt me so much that I went into d kitchen and cried. I felt really bad, you know it gets to a point where u just feel its not necessary to tell him how u feel about something he just said or did. So I just moved on acting strong. But I tell u since then I dont eat around him, even if I will eat in d same plate with him I would just take 2_ 3 spoons and leave. And am almost having Inferiority complex like am nt good enough or appealing to him. I am beautiful in my own way but I dont know if he still sees me that way.
I want hear breastfeeding mums lifestyle to diet. So I can compare to mine to know whete and how to fix me. Cos I know my appetite wasnt this bad, I had d appetite quiet alright but not this much. Please mums share ur opinions with me.

Sounds like he was verbally abusive but only you know if there were incidents leading to this particular one. You said he "lamented" something a person usually does in frustration so could he have been lashing out in frustration?

Breastfeeding is not an excuse to blow up, there are women who lose a lot of the baby weight by doing it. Realistically, how much food does a baby consume from your breasttttttt compared to the thousands of calories you are consuming? Too many women have been conditioned to think pregnancy and breastfeeding are weight gain journeys of no return. Everything can be managed with discipline.

There are 300 lbs ladies still singing "I'm sexy and I know it" even with their bellies almost touching the floor and there may be people who find them sexy. Your husband has made it clear he does not appreciate the way you eat and the way you look, regardless of what you or anyone else thinks. In marriage, I believe you owe it to each other to maintain your weight at a reasonable level.

Instead of getting miserable, this is the time for you to start both of you on workouts. With the bread drama, sounds like he loves food too. If he has even a hint of big belly, don't let him rest, complain and get both bellies working, turn the incident into a positive for you both.

1. No
2. No.........by the way, the girl had better be his "intended or better half." We would not accommodate a one night stand or casual sexxxxx mate in our home


As for the other thread, I could write an epistle on that

There are gaps in this story or maybe it's just exaggerated -

I am familiar with Naija's real estate market. In which part of Naija could a N180m house be rented for N400k and in which part of the country would a wealthy son live in a N100k abode? A house worth N180m would be in one of the biggest cities with potential rent in the millions and none of those cities could offer a befitting, comfortable abode to a man of means for a paltry N100k. You're basically saying you were slumming before you got married?

I would be curious to know your wife's background if the story you have told is complete. This story has holes IMO

Congratulations, God will fulfill the number of your days

teeghurl:
Personally, i believe raising a child in African way is one of the best when it comes to behavioural aspect which i believe a lot of people can also agree with me. Being raised in African way can go a long way in a child's life later in life, though it may seem as if your parents don't love you but one gets to understand and realise the benefits of one's parent's instruction, rebuke and punishment as adulthood sets it.
Having thought of how civilization and technology has turned children and even adults into nowadays, it really gives me concern as per the level of moral decadence in our society. Being a parent in African setting can at least give one the privilege to rebuke/ scold your child if they behave in ways contrast to the norm of the society. There's a very huge limit to what you can do as an African parent in Western Countries if you don't want Social services to get involved in your case. Though some parents try their best but a very low percentage of these children yield positive result. please, is there any way forward?

I don't know which "diaspora" has formed your views but I can assure you that Social Services do not just show up and/or take drastic action for no reason. Hiding behind discipline, a lot of parents practise parent brutality, subjecting kids to punishment that is inhuman once you loosen your mental shackles and think of it properly. People usually get into trouble with Social services when discipline becomes borderline or actual torture or delivery of gross physical discomfort to the child. There are exceptions but most times, that is the case.

A common example is spanking. I don't have any problem with reasonable spanking, not "flogging" o and not "beating." If that is what your child understands, fine but if that doesn't get through to him/her and you want to turn to brutality, then you deserve all that Social Services has to offer. It is no longer spanking when you descend on a child with weapons like your belt, or you are delivering ten strokes of whatever. If Getting through to the child is taking all that physical toll on you, you need another solution. You have resorted to brutality in order to intimidate and you are simply letting loose your own frustrations. When you administer physical torture and suffering, it is no longer about discipline, you are only fooling yourself.

I have spanked my kids in the past but I can count the number of times because I realized the spanking is just a physical lash out at the child, it is not necessarily about correction. I find that when you spend time getting to know your children, living your own life as an example and deliberately influencing their behavior through your words and actions, backed up with good moral reinforcement, the odds are high that they will receive the values you impart.

So, when it comes to raising the African way, all I can say is that your children's behavior are a reflection of their upbringing and their upbringing directly reflects how you have discharged your duties and obligations to them as a parent. Whether in or outside Africa, these rules hold the same. You do not have to be in a African setting to enjoy the privilege of "rebuking or punishing" a child. Parents outside of Africa rebuke and punish too but parent brutality is not tolerated by the authorities - that is the difference.

Moral decadence happens everywhere, in and out of Africa. When you choose to birth a child, you are signifying a willingness to set that child in the right path. If you have no inclination towards raising a well formed child, you are doing said child a disservice. The problem is people want to have children but not be accountable for raising them properly so it's easier to blame it all on moral decadence and the environment as if the same things are not happening in Africa.

With all that I have seen, I am not convinced that the African way is necessarily the best. Any system that turns out children with the correct value system and who can think beyond themselves is the best IMO.

With regards to "a very low percentage of these children yield positive result" I am curious to know the specifics of this assertion maybe because I know many families raising great kids with a solid value system and with their heads screwed on straight even without parent brutality.

Ooops! I can't believe how much I wrote!

#11

God is on your side and through Him, you can do all things

Your brother's employment/income stability is minimal (7months) and 720k a year is not a whole lot in Lagos for a reasonable standard of living
His bride-to-be is unemployed
Why are they wanting to get married before establishing some sort of finabcial stability and why are you enabling them?
IMO, the 250k you have budgeted should be a dash to them directly to finance a business venture that will improve their financial circumstances.

E se, ibi ti e ti beere
E se ibi ti e ba de
A dupe o Jesu
Ibi ti e mu wa lo