₦airaland Forum

That omelette looks good

Why would Sade Okoya display like that @ page 1 pix
Surprised Alhaji Razak would permit

Looks like the gloves are coming off

Normal to be nervous, especially when it's your first. It will probably also affect your finances, be prepared

Not tacky, I'd say "interesting" she looks different but not in a bad way

biolabee: hope u r working first cos otherwise na hunger u dey play with

Funny, but true

You throw out baseless accusations, I challenge you to substantiate them and you come up with more of the same.

So this is the post to support your most recent accusation? Really? Seriously?

Did I say I support a man working to stupor? Does that not right away suggest it's not an affordable choice if that's what he has to do?

@ trust
Does it not take trust to believe your spouse will not mistreat you if you stay home? That is where trust comes in. Spending time in courtship relates to getting to know your intended spouse well and deciding what behaviors you are prepared to live with. If a man makes it clear he does not believe in a stay home situation, should a woman marry such a man if she wants to consider that option? At the same time, just because there is trust does not make it a viable option if it's not affordable.

I think you are personalizing this to yourself thus the endless accusations that you cannot defend. That long post is directed mainly at people to whom it is/will be a viable choice. You do not belong in that group, as you have made clear so what gives

Just going around in circles here, I can't do this endlessly, no time, my most important personalities are right here in the house. Enough time spent on Nland today

jidegirl12: Sis I know what I'm talking about , why should I argue with you just cause? I've read your numerous posts on this topic and I know where you stand.




This is the post... @ bolded.... this is exactly @lemon's mindset, stay home and direct/advice/ delegate / whatever expenses that she had no kobo contribution cos she's special and endowed with GOOD ATTITUDE

@trust yes I was engaged for almost 5years, we have had everything-joint orientation way back before we got married so wasn't a problem.

And lastly , It's shouldn't be acceptable NOR an option/choice for any woman to stay home and the man work to stupor because he's married. Otherwise they should not go to school in the first place.

I think you are just in the mood to argue. Kindly show me where I encouraged the victim to stay home, are you confusing me with someone else? The woman is suffering so how is that a viable option and how did you conclude that's what my post said? Did you not read what I said about her. You are throwing out accusations with no basis

Jide, I don't know what you are seeing in my posts o! I already said I'm not complaining about the effect, been there, done that. By the way, no, I'm not interested in disclosing my occupation . If I say it has an effect and you say it doesn't, all I can say is you are welcome. Think of me as an onion seller in Abakaliki with the biggest stall in the market, can't have Mama Emeka usurp my seniority

This is what I wrote on the previous page

As for the "victim"
So she has endured 10 years of her husband's behavior and now after 3 children delievered in those circumstances, she's contemplating divorce? Why did she not speak up at the beginning? Better still, what was the reason for marrying a controlling man? As in most of these stories, everything begins at courtship, before you get married. Hardly anyone changes after marriage, what you see is what you get.

Maybe when our society stops disparaging unmarried women, womenfolk will have the backbone to say no to abusive, controlling suitors. More likely than not, she knew from tbe beginning that the guy was controlling.

jidegirl12: ^^^ Arousing and Encouraging a Degree holder to stay home when it's clear her husband wants her to work, making excuses for lazy bums because it works for you and you had a supportive man, we should discourage this mindset instead of encouraging it and that's why I'm not very pleased with your notion= it's NOT A VIABLE OPTION , IT'S PURE LAZINESS.




I disagree .... what effect? you'd lose your position / your 401k depreciate / age ? And with all due respect ma'am you shouldn't complain, not an option either cos you had a choice.

Who told you there is a high rate of graduate housewives in Naija? I don't think your stats are accurate at all. Majority of Naija wives have an income so where are you getting that from?

Here's a tip:

Discuss your concerns with her before saying "I do". Marry someone whose word you can take to the bank, spend time on courtship and I pray that you not jam a deceiver who will renege on your agreements or cause you trouble. Which one be "fret"

Ublaize: I have always fret about marrying an unemployed lady. The fear of her ending up as a housewife scares me. The rate of graduate housewives is alarming. 4 me it's meant for the rich bachelors given our economic qualms.The Nigerian women seemingly are complacent. In times of Feminist struggles financial salvation is unavoidably an indispensable tool. Where do our women stand?

jidegirl12: To MMtimo;


MMtimo exhilarate the lackadaisical act all you want , lets call a spade a spade, procrastinating will not solve her problem, get off her lazy bum and do something!

Good for you you're content with one income and manage little you had without whining and unappreciative.

And I don't buy ''putting your career on hold'' story, any woman would be glad to stay home and nurture their kids 24/7 AND have it all meaning if my husband rakes in both our Net income why won't I stay home and do yoga, Pilates , mom groups everyday till they're school -agers ?



Most ''new age'' ladies can barely do groceries with 40k Naira ( seen it all on NL) and house chores without cursing the man out/ ridicule him how his mates treat their wives. They want to keep up with olowoyemis , drink bournvita and glazed donut , watch nollywood , reproduce .

Mom of 2 employee who works full time, I asked her why pay that much for childcare and stay home instead? She said she makes $1400 monthly staying home and now makes $2000 ( net), the difference goes a long way she said.
They're going to Cuba for summer family vaca. I doubt they can afford that if she decided to stay home.

You've lost me. What is lackadaisical about my posts? Did you read what I wrote about/to the victim on the previous page? I'm not a flip flopper and I believe my comments clearly reflect my views. I don't call people names because they choose not to stay home, same way I would not call a SHM names.
Did you notice where I mentioned affordability and trust (going back to bolden it now)? Did I say a person must spend money they can't afford? Good for the person going on vacation, her family needs her income and she's working. Where did Mmotimo argue against that?


Yes, it's putting my career on hold, not sure how you've interpreted that expression In my line of work, taking extended time off work has an effect, it's just the way it is and I'm not complaining.


Here's an excerpt from that post

Staying home (usually the woman in African settings) is a lifestyle choice and is determined by affordability and trust. I bolden this because for most people, it's not affordable but that does not mean you disparage others who can afford the choice. Above all, it should always be a joint decision and like most things in life, subject to change if it is not sustainble. No point doing it if one partner resents the other partner staying home or if it is not an affordable choice for your family

Bless you, Damiso
I have to go read your post history, you make so much sense

vivalableue: I think this whole debate between to work or not to work comes in at a personal decision. Some women find that raising a child takes a lot of emotional and physical demands and thus will not be able to work, that's ok. Some don't mind staying at home and having a side job/business for her own mad money and free time. Others cannot imagine spending all day at home and are career driven. Others still work, but miss home. All of these situations and many more are typical and can occur over the lifetime of one woman. As the babies are young to big kids, they will require different types of care. Not forgetting the biggest one, aka oga, depending on you're own arrangement with each other, financial needs and wants, etc. the decision is yours to make together.

I for one am a full time worker, who takes care of the kids at home in the evenings/mornings. As my kids are still young, and my career just beginning there's more flexibility. However, I am going back to pursue my eng degree, which means more time with the kids! I am so happy about that (Don't worry all, this isn't the first time I went back to school to earn a degree and my daughter was only 9 months at the time!) I'm lucky to live in Canada, so this decision is very easy to make, and financially my family is very secure. That doesn't mean that I don't understand the different lifestyles and cultures that make up NL. I just know that in every situation there will be times of peace and business. Finally, my mother was a stay-at-home, with a degree no less, and she was a very good one at that! She had a little catering business on the side and raised all 6 of us as Daddy worked. Now, we are all except of the 2 youngest (ages 11&14) out of the family home in our own families or studying. And she can now work to her heart's content and enjoy her life, she had kids young and she's enjoying her middle age in paradise with my daddy. So, to those who look short-term, take off those glasses and realise that child-rearing is a season, and eventually things will need to adapt. So instead of seeing those educated women as lazy or a waste realise that the education was spent making sure the kids are as well rounded and educated as the mothers are. After all, I'm pretty sure that its easier for kids whose parents attended post-secondary education to enroll than those whose parents never did.

I'm happy we are at last, in this forum, getting more balanced views on the subject and from people with positive testimonies and real life experience too.

OK, I get it but you know what? There are a number of young school doing it as a temporary measure when their kids are still young. But I do understand the financial implications. Goes back to "not affordable" but still not right to call people names because it's an acceptable choice for them.

Nothing wrong with flipping burgers but if you'd rather be teaching others something you're good at and that you enjoy doing isn't that better.

Extracurriculars offer the opportunity to gain certain skill sets while having fun

Jide has come again. What sacrifice did my husband do that is more than what I did? I'm the one that put my career on hold (willingly and gladly) because I earn less. It's for the overall good so it's really not a big deal.


Right now, he's asking that I consider cutting back on work for the next two years, just work part time. Our schedules have gotten crazy and we are beginning to feel like the kids are not getting adequate attention from us.

P.S. How old is old school, I'm curious to know. Why would younger men not consider it

@ damiso

We are used to being the only blacks and most certainly, the only Naijas, at some of these extra curriculars.

These activities are good even for the future. If your child enjoys playing the violin or piano, that could be a summer job when his mates are flipping burgers. A strong swimmer can teach swimming, and the list goes on.

Like you said, the costs are often affordable, if people bothered to investigate and dedicated more time to their kids.

debrief08: Uju I know oh, I had a non supportive spouse oh so I know how far.
If I didn't have the husband I have now only God knows how I will deal with the majority of issues I am dealing with.
I have not spent 3 weeks with my family since January, yet my husband has been my backbone. Even when I have said let me resign and face my family and the chaallenges we are facing he won't hear of it, instead he has adjusted his schedule asked for his moms help to keep ourr home running.
In this case she has a man who is happy keeping her there and having someone to abuse she should sit up and draw a map for her life

I'm happy at the bolded. It shows you considered it but in the end it was not going to be a joint decision so it became a non-option. On the other hand, it's a viable option for some couples, the reason why we shouldn't be quick to denigrate women who opt for it and call them names.

Of a truth, women are their own worst enemies, quick to call other women names, whether it's "husbandless" "childless" or "lazy"

Don't know how many times this issue comes up in this section but I will say what I have always said. Culturally, Nigerian women, especially Southerners have been raised to believe that you have to bring in an income in order for your spouse and his family to respect you. Never mind that you have abused women with full time jobs.

A lot of people think staying at home makes it more likely your husband will abuse you. Please, spend time on courtship, know whom you are marrying. If hes going to be an abuser, chances are, you will see signs if you spend enough time in courtship. A very small minority of men can change overnight into monsters but that is not the norm. By the way, be careful that you, the wife, do not change into something the guy did not bargain for. If you were the saving type before he married you but afterwards, suddenly develop a taste for keeping up with the Joneses, that would not be fair to him.

Staying home (usually the woman in African settings) is a lifestyle choice and is determined by affordability and trust. I bolden this because for most people, it's not affordable but that does not mean you disparage others who can afford the choice. Above all, it should always be a joint decision and like most things in life, subject to change if it is not sustainble. No point doing it if one partner resents the other partner staying home or if it is not an affordable choice for your family

If the working partner's income is not sufficient to finance household expenses, you probably should not opt for it. When I say expense, that includes aso ebi, your Brazillian weaves, owambe parties, vacations, clothing, etc and any financial assistance to relatives/friends on both sides. I may be able to run my household on N50000.00 a month but maybe yours runs on $8000.00 per month. The same question still applies - can the working partner sustain the expenses? If so, for how long and at what cost?

At this point, I must say that if you don't have direct access to the income earner's accounts/earnings, if your assets and liabilities are not in joint names, then you should probably not stay home. Already, there's a comma in the situation if only one party makes and controls the financial decisions. In order for it to be successful, there has to be trust on both sides and each side should be comfortable with the other's spending habits.

Life insurance policies are available in Nigeria, same as in the West. It is called insurance in case the unexpected happens, fear of death should not mean you can't stay home and raise your kids if that is your family's desire. Sadly, the vast majority of Nigerian women that work, still have no net worth to show for it. It is still the constant hand to mouth, keeping up with the Joneses, dodging randy bosses at work who derive joy from chopping another man's wife.

Why are you staying home? For the vast majority, it's to raise their kids. For a few, it's simply a preference. If your spouse is fine with it and you can both make it work, do not let the mischievous sow discord in your home by calling you names.

If part of your self worth is tied to your career or how much money you make, it's probably not a good idea. For some people, working is not about money but about self worth/esteem
If you are going to miss the workplace environment, you should probably just keep working. If you are going to feel embarrassed and useless because you are not working, then keep working.

A much as possible, let your value system be based on experiences, not on acquisitions. I tell you, life becomes so much simpler once it's no longer just about acquisitions. Focus on building NW while at the same time, building your children (those that make the choice for kids).

Finally, yes, I stayed home for a couple of years, in Naija and in the West. I work now, because our kids are much older/independent and household expenses have grown. My extended family do not pry in my business so I didn't have to explain to anybody but I know it took a lot for my Mum not to say anything. She started working at 18 and only retired when she had a solid gold pension and left with a sizable package. If she were dead, she might have turned in her grave, she drummed career mum into me at an early age.

I stayed home but I have always had access to everything my husband has/earns and vice versa. I am that wife that knows where everything is and whose husband will "sign here" without a second glance because of mutual trust. It doesn't matter which gender plays the lead financial role, trust is non-negotiable when it comes to money, epecially for a Naija couple.

Wrong thread

^^^^

A woman staying at home does not necessarily mean it's about a man controlling her.

,

vivian chinaza: I'm not gonna blab about how easy it is, you know being a mum, a wife and a worker. I'm not there yet so I have no idea, but I do know that nothing is impossible with proper planning.
Having said that, op you are absolutely right! I don't know what some of our ladies are turning into. They are annoyingly lazy and I couldn't help but wonder how they were brought up.
In as much as being a mum, a wife and a career woman is not easy, I'd find a way to make it work cos I have and will still have NO HOUSEHELP POLICY in my home. Whatever the Househelp will do for me I'd monetise it. That way I'd have peace in my own house.

Well said! It can be tough but it's doable.

Housework can help you keep fit too. Try vacuuming your whole house by yourself, washing your car, bedmaking, sorting laundry, mopping, washing bathrooms, ironing, etc. You'd be amazed at the workout you get from household chores.

bigass: When I got married. I was into small business and not always tired when I get home so giving my hubby sex wasn't an issue if he asks. About 6months ago. I got a banking job and I come home late and tired. Now sex is a weekend thing. My husband too works in bank but he's never tired to have sex
This issue is causing serious wahala in my marriage.its really not my fault cos I get so tired I can't even get turned on. Pls advice.

Hmm, your "wife" was pregnant smh.
Super stories have found safe berth in this section. Not that I blame you too much, afterall a man with a big ikebe could be transgendered for all we know, Mr Gender Confusion

Don't take any drugs. At our age and with the profile, you provided above, I doubt there's any serious problem. Besides, abstinence is good since you are unmarried

I would advise you stay away from drugs, you never know what kind of ingredients will mess with your system with side effects that may be injurious to your health

I don't live in the UK but the issue is common.

A common thread is lack of parental supervision, parents that don't have time to monitor their kids' behavior, friends and activities. Some parents work almost all day, these kids have time on their hands to do all kinds of evil and their parents have no idea. Same parents cannot/will not invest in extra curricular activities that would keep their kids out of trouble, a lot of them would rather invest in aso ebi and keeping up with the Olowolayemos.

As for the "victim"
So she has endured 10 years of her husband's behavior and now after 3 children delievered in those circumstances, she's contemplating divorce? Why did she not speak up at the beginning? Better still, what was the reason for marrying a controlling man? As in most of these stories, everything begins at courtship, before you get married. Hardly anyone changes after marriage, what you see is what you get.

Maybe when our society stops disparaging unmarried women, womenfolk will have the backbone to say no to abusive, controlling suitors. More likely than not, she knew from tbe beginning that the guy was controlling.

Bigass,

First you were male at the time of this Jul/12 post, 9 months later, you are a female

Please advice me on what to do definitely. I've been dating her for awhile. But what happened today got me thinking. She's not good with driving but always argues she good. Today while she was driving my car I noticed it again. I started warning her to be careful. She get angry anytime I warn her. I came out of the car to buy something then she decided to turn. While turning she entered a ditch I rushed to the scene to make sure she was safe. Now we are thinking of how to get the car out.after trying for 2hrs I became tired I turned held her by the shoulders then I said You see why I always tell u to be careful. That was my offense. She started screaming at me calling all sort that I should shouldn't tell her that. She made a mistake and that's it I was shocked then I left her she just screaming go go go. No remorse at all. Pls advise me on what to do definitely

Here we go again.

Isn't it obvious that she's married to an abusive and controlling man?

Please, let us not bring self esteem into this. Just because you need to work does not mean you have self esteem. It simply means you need to work, whatever the reason.

Omo to fine . . . anyday and everyday

I hope OP knows better than to believe strangers on the internet. Even if you meet them in person, expect to deal with amateur and professional fraudsters. May God grant you wisdom