₦airaland Forum

biolabee: I have heard of professors doing it
Also a friends husband did it.. she has now moved to the US

The fact that no woman will like it does not mean it is not condoned...



In an ideal world this will be so

Interesting!


Personally, the people that I know relocated via the 'straight and narrow" channels. I'm sure there are many that found one shortcut/loop hole or another, legal or not. People come from different circumstances that may cause desperation.

I think all that needs to be said has been said

I just want to add that relocating to Austria might not be feasible/practicable for the man/the couple. A father of a 16 year old is probably no spring chicken himself. Is love enough for him to subject himself to starting over in Europe? Doing what? How long would it take him to earn enough to support the children he left behind? Maybe I missed it but I don't recall anything about what kind of life the cousin had in Austria. Going back abroad is not easy for everyone. You would need to have fully integrated prior to moving to Naija, otherwise, going back means starting from scratch.

There are many Nigerians who cannot just move back abroad because there really is nothing to go back to.

Princess zoe: Completely saddening. But thank God some women are now more sensible. Some women are no longer dependent in the sense that they cannot feed themselves without a husband. Any woman whose husband travels out and get married to a white or black woman should file for divorce. Marriage was instutionalised by God and He didn't introduced it to be used as a collateral in money making. That is a glaring adultery.

From what I have heard, in most cases, the Naija wife is 100% aware of what is going on and fully supportive. The only victim is the Oyinbo wife who does not know a game is being played. A lot of the loud, uncultured Naija wives that move abroad later, come through this means. I think the practice is more common among the poorly educated, no-options in Naija-crew. Rather unusual though, for (I assume) a well-educated Banker to go that route.

@ Baba Oyo

I couldn't help noticing your repeated references to your wife's weight/physical condition, my contribution is specific to that because it is a subject I hold close to heart. Did you tell her WHY you want her to lose weight? I'm glad you said you have been working out yourself. At this stage in life, it's very easy for the pounds to creep up because we are so distracted with so many other things.

For a lot of busy women, post-kids, with slower metabolism, it takes real determination to keep in shape. The desire has to come and be maintained from within, that is the only way to stay motivated. Help your wife find a reason to be motivated. A healthy weight is best for all, reduces the risks of certain diseases/conditions and it's also great for your sexxx life and overall energy level

So, not enough to wish her weight loss, tell her WHY - it's because you want her to look good wearing so and so, you want her to be able to raise her leg this way and that , her size is a bit embarrassing (yea, told my hubby that and he stopped drinking when I told him I found his his tummy paunch embarrassing, making him look undisciplined - speak your mind in love), tell her you want to handle hard, muscled, buns with minimal fat, you want her to be able to touch her toes, increase endurance, even if it's to look better than Mr Lagbaja's wife, no excuse is silly, na una get each other. If you can't tell her what you want, who will? Let her know that "slimmey Sola gal" at the office dey "gbe sun mo mi" and the gal wan wound you with her slim waist and big ikebe I joke o but you know what I mean.

Did you know that after childbirth, a lot of African women experience increased bust and hip width which may not be noticeable due to added padding in the waist but looks great after the excess fat in the waist area is dealt with. Let her know you want to enjoy that apple/onion bottom that comes out when you get rid of excess fat.

I know it's harder for Lagos (crazy city) Moms to find the time to exercise, buying bigger sized clothes is a whole lot easier but you need to lead her down the path to self-motivation. It is achievable so it's not like you are asking the impossible. You've known her for years, what do you need to say or do to motivate her? What do you need to do so that you can go to the gym together? Can you start with walking in the neighborhood most evenings? Would DVDs work better? How about your diets? Too much carbs and fat? Stop buying juices and soft drinks, embrace water, offer to fill in for her/assist in household chores so that she has time to workout, etc. I'm glad there is another Obudu trip in the works 2 months from now, that is enough time for some changes to happen. Pick out a new smaller-sized swimsuit for her, let it be her target wear for the next trip, let there be a vision to work with.

Women love to look good and feel sexy, for themselves and for their man

I feel myself going on an epistle so I will stop now

Somehow, chopping another man's wife has become a sport. In the old days, the sight of a woman's wedding band could stop a predator in his tracks, not much of a deterrent these days smh

No, it is not
An old song says "na wo, na wo, yato si olowo" that a person spends money, does not mean they are rich or that they have money.
Many times in Naija, the purchase of a car increases the poverty level for a person who cannot afford the maintenance

The outrage against the woman is interesting or maybe it's because the OP 's pain and hurt are so real.

Cheating married women are not uncommon in Naija's big cities today, husbands just tend to bury their heads in the sand and pretend it's not happening.

OP, surely she has told you WHY she cheated? If you love her and she loves you and you can somehow move beyond the why and the hurt, give the marriage another chance

Sounds like control issues, not necessarily the money. If it's about control, he should be exhibiting it in other ways, not just your salary.

I don't think the average Naija man cares too much about their wife's salary. The ones I have heard of, it's about control

OP really doesn't need to hear how terrible his wife is, he's living that hell already.

What he needs are concrete steps on the way forward. These back and forth arguments are not helping at all.

Thanks TV

OP

This is so sad. I just hope the randy lover boy is getting a lot of heat from his own wife too and not just enjoying his life like nothing happened

jidegirl12: You don't have to reply please.

You got that right! In light of everything I have ever written on the subject, your post makes no sense

Disagreeing with you and highlighting contradictory posts is not same as attacking you. That is "victim mentality" not necessary here

This is getting old, every thread has to be turned into a stay home-bashing thread.

OP, I looked at your post history, looks like things have been rough for you career/finance wise but you seem to be a hard worker, even selling newspapers. You lost your job 4 years ago, about the time you got married. How did you come to marry a woman who does not accept that a single income is not affordable in your particular circumstances? How did you marry a woman that would rather have you stress yourself no end, than assist you?

Like most things, the genesis is in courtship, as bad as men and women can be, the majority do not change overnight for no reason, we see signs before the marriage but walk in, hoping for change - that he will stop cheating, that she will spend more carefully, that he/she will love him/her more, etc.

Divorce is a hard topic, pray for wisdom and search your heart, maybe there is another solution. . . . . . .?

@ Topic

I believe they do

This is getting serious
First, it was, staying home made it more likely you would end up with an abusive husband, never mind that segment called courtship during which 90%of a person's behaviors are apparent
Then we heard you hadno self-esteem if you stayed home
Now we hear staying home is likely to cause the man to die early and not see a Doctor when he needs to, never mind that it is not an affordable choice if he has to work himself to the ground.

Btw, debrief, most Naija households do not live on a single income, that is not true. Just last week, you said you discussed staying home with your spouse but he disagreed. Does that then mean your considering it was because you wanted to harm him or how does that now translate into something bizarre for those who can afford the choice?

That a person speaks English does not mean they are educated or even intelligent.

People may forget your name and what you look like but they will always remember your character

Beating children to the extent of scarring is no longer about punishment. It's about the adult taking out their personal frustrations on weaker beings.

The poor boy must have been so terrified. Too bad there's no real hard labor in western prisons

The apology part is sensitive because it will need to come from your husband. The apology is really just to soothe her ego, not to say next time she can do the same thing again. It's to create the opportunity for her to come back. It does not even have to be heartfelt and idobale (to prostrate) is not needed. It's a "Mommy, e ma binu Ma" kinda thing, said over the phone without delving into the genesis (even if she steers the discussion that way). Just "yes Ma, yes Ma" When she returns, everyone pretends nothing happened and life goes on but trust me, lessons have been learnt. It's your husband's prerogative though.

Right now, she's feeling rejected, and wondering why it's such a big deal that should lead to "arifin". It was my husband that explained to me - these people are already old, change is tough for them so you have to invest extra effort to manage their hurt feelings.

I have learnt that "e ma binu" is a good way to shut down drama from elders. Wherever they tell the story of what someone did to them, the person will ask "did they apologize?" Once they say "yes" story is over. Because people would say "what else do you want the children to do, shebi they have begged you".

I see this with strong, used-to-running-things women. They are typically independently comfortable financially ( would not be surprised if Mom is paying for the B&B). They mean well but really just prefer to run things the way they want. Their own husbands are usually easy going gentlemen that trust them to run things.I think secretly, they pray their daughters don't marry loud, troublesome men

I will tell you about my own experience - In the very early years of my marriage, arriving Oyinbo land and learning what it meant to budget, my Mom would visit and buy(for my home) things she wanted in our apartment that we could not afford and didn't consider priorities. She would be like, how can you not buy a pressure cooker? Why did you not buy Lagostina? How long is this life that one will be inconveniencing one's self? What kind of shop is this? Why not buy at ??(Pricier store). How come you don't have so and so kitchen gadget? You should buy so and so colored shoes to go with that, How much is $120 compared to the convenience of having so and so gadget, etc, etc. Basically, trying to create her own home's comforts in my own home.
We would discuss stuff in front of her, she was always ready to assist financially if we needed money.

These women train other people's kids, they are generous and used to solving other people's problems, including the non financial. Their relatives see them as go-to people, they are "fixers" and they see their kids' homes as extensions of theirs and want their daughters to ko yan mora like them. They take pride in people saying Mrs Lagbaja's daughter is just like her mother, very generous and helpful, very respectful, etc. Their personality is a brand they want reflected in their children, daughters in particular.

Don't know where your Mom lives but the ones I know have lived in Lagos most of their lives, don't know if it's the water out there lol. A friend's Mom, more or less forcefully arranged house servants for her daughtet against the couple's wishes and many more stories

You have to be the one to insulate your husband. The scenario where your husband looked her in the face to say no should not have occurred. You will need to make the boundaries clear and make it clear if your husband does not want it, it won't happen. I am my mother's daughter but built tougher. When I realized I was becoming offended by some of her acts and utterances, I set her straight myself. My Dad and husband were the ones trying to make peace between us.
They are Moms and know what buttons to push (emotional blackmail) but once they realize what's up, it gets better. They come to realize you have your own lives to live and you are willing to accept support without allowing her to decide things.


Just that you have to communicate the boundaries, your husband should not be placed in that uncomfortable position. The good thing is they hate "arifin" disrespect, so will avoid such scenarios in the future. By the way, I still accept awoof from her,but no strings attached.
, she knows I can "daju" her if she pushes me.
I could write more but let me stop for now