₦airaland Forum

My "problem" is way easier. The kids have a higher IQ than mine Thank God

Poster is M.I.A

Amelian: Sighs.....op don't allow issues of men dissing singles sisters about not getting married affect you..when u see posts of men talking bad abt women or talking about how to get married, u simply overlook such posts, and read better ones that has to do with enlightenment.. I don't bother myself reading such posts anyways .... Am in my early thirties, am comfortable and beginning to enjoy the different flavours of life.. When I was in my twenties, due to my flashy look, I cut out certain normal things that would. Ordinarily make a lady happy, due to mindset of most nija.. Examples, don't wear lovely earrings o, don't look fly in your dressing, even though u dressed responsibly, the word is dress like a girl suffering, then a suitor will come ... And also If u can afford a car, don't buy o, oresle no man will marry u. ... I have good paying job, which could buy me a small car but most of my frnds and family kicked against it... Ha! Don't buy a car o... Always trek to work or take bus, or climb bikes, so that a man will want to marry u... I trek taya . Run after moving buses , climb okadas, it's by the grace of God , my legs are not broken. As I began to expand in biz, I surely need a car for easy mobility and keep to appointments.. No be person , tell me twice to go and buy a car. Enough of undue suffering to please a man, cause of marriage, which has more responsibilities that one can even imagine..
It's takes the grace of God, Selflessness of both husband and wife and great conscience involved to create and sustain a happy home... But how many homes , can boast of bliss after marriage... Just few...
Society , people can talk from today till tomorrow, the issue is no more suffering myself anymore for men.. If u can't accept my personality...the let me be...the period to enjoy my hard labour is hear... No dulling o... Just mix with like minded pple... That's sees yur vision.. U can't please everybody.. Follow yur heart , serve and leave the rest to God.
I repeat, don't bother yur eyes or brain reading and digesting posts of men dissing women.. Just close yur eyes on those posts and move on..... It's no use.. U can't stop them.. That's my simple advice .

I LOVE your spirit. Don't be desperate

@ terrific

Yorubas would say he married his enemy

"O ti fi ota se aya"

Ogunyemi John: Most of working class women are over 80%dependent on husband for domestic spendings.

Really? I guess most men must have more money than my husband

The pregnancy trap is one of the oldest tricks in the book. To think that there are still men falling into the trap in this day and age. With all the braggado that these Naija boys exhibit? So, one family can still harrass a working and I assume well-educated guy, to marry a 32 year old gal who should know everything about pregnancy prevention.

As long as men give in to such blackmail, it will continue to happen. Marriage by fire by force in 2013

The issue of finance is so hard for my people, it really shouldn't be

nenergy: I have seen it a lot. If a man treats his woman like a queen, the family/sisters will respect her. But if he treats her like he's doing her a favour, she's Rag. .lol

Very, very true

If he's not prepared to marry her, then he shouldn't, I don't tolerate blackmail in any shape or form. If there was no agreement to have kids, why should he be forced into marrying her when they both took the risk of unprotected sex
If, however, he's willing (not being coerced), that's a different thing.

ifyalways: Boy
I just googled the name and i am awed.

If my mail is not in your inbox,kindly check spam.Sent 2 replies already.

Nothing in my mailbox but if it's about Kishanna, her pix are on a fashion thread. Thread's about black gals killing it or something to that effect


Jide, I skipped through the thread. My people get bad mouth, no be small. Calling someone's wife a financial liability when you are not the one feeding them. In this day and age?

I don't think the OP's married, that shows through in some of her comments. Some sort of reverse chauvinism (if there is such a term). She had some good points though, buy forgot that. . . .

"Irorun igi ni irorun eye"

It has to be well for the tree in order for it to be well with the bird. The marriage is still a partnership, has to still be mutually beneficial to both partners

If you can settle abroad legally and with the right papers, I would give it a shot. . . . . and yes, you can be very happy in a foreign land, especially the US. You just have to make sure you research the state, job opportunities, state taxes, cost of living, etc. A quality middle class life in Oyinbo land is a lot more achievable than you might think. First step is to research legal means of getting out and don't be roped into any harebrained schemes that mean you can't live well because you don't have tbe right papers.

Oh dear! Once you remove God and family, I don't know what to say. . . . .
My home?

A lot of these raaapes are occurring at parties after the gals have had too much alcohol - don't know the specifics of this case. Is it too much to ask that teens don't get drunk? Too many of this scenario in the news lately. By the way, who is raising these teen raaapists?

Jide aka Ijogbon Major
See me feeling sorry that TGirl banned you till 2015. You can exaggerate sha! Good to have you back and please no more street fights, tres unbecoming

Where is that thread? Can't trust you not to exaggerate. I'm sure you took the post out of context

@ biola, that's one mystery I would like to know. The more reason why there's no point fighting on the WWW. Your opponent could very well not be whom you think they are. Imagine taunting guys with another babe's bo..obs. Hilarious!

@ damiso
I agree

@Jide

Who is lemon and what's the talk about multiplying money and spending yours on yourself?

I agree with Biola, the younger generation is more into the openness and cooperation when it comes to household finances. I do not know a single couple in my parents' circle that have joint anything. It's MY account, MY tenants, MY shares, MY land, etc then OUR church and maybe OUR children . In my Naija circle, which is a small one by the way, I know of only one jointer couple. My best friend is a jointer though but she's from a different culture.

. . . . . and thanks for announcing my 6 decades on a public forum

@ damiso

Ok but even for those who have to ask, if it works for their marriage, does it really matter to any of us? Naija women are very full of "I can't take that" even though they accept worse from their own husbands. Personally, don't like to put mouth in other people's marriages and the way they do things. Even my own Father doesn't get how/why I handle household finances and everything is joint

@ biolabee

That your crush Is she Ada or Kishanna Sands? Or is Kishanna Bahamian-Igbo?

This is so sad, just terrible

Where possible (some people have no choice) don't entrust their care to others, especially at a young age

damiso: Nails it for me.+100 likes.Though it has to be said that for a naija couple,trust is a subjective word.All in all,koko is for me,analyse YOUR own peculiar situation and marriage and do what works for YOU.Though i think if you have to ASK for money for soup,chances are you really have no business staying at home.

Asking for soup money? In Naija, the cash management was one of my chores. I made the ATM withdrawals and was saddled with running from machine to machine when the yeye networks crashed

Over here, my debit and credit cards access everything, we have joint access and I still manage the cash flow.

As for trust, THAT just might be the biggest challenge.

claremont: There are ladies who do all these and still work. They are not super-human, they are just normal ladies who have decided to get off their lazy a/sses and go to work. I strongly believe that the fact that a lady performs 'traditional roles' shouldn't be an excuse for her not to work, it's simply laziness.

What really is the point of investing so much time and resources in getting a good education only to end up with a full-time housewife designation?! Absolute non-sense IMHO.

. My paragraph 3 applies. For you, it's laziness. Safe to say it would not be a joint decision in your household and that's just fine. For those that choose the option, let it be "just fine" too.

My epistle is mainly for those for whom it is/will be a viable option but who are afraid of being called names by society.

I am pretty sure we have stay at home Moms in this section who would never admit to it because they are afraid of being called leeches.

As for waste of education, who says a SHM must be illiterate? And really, is it my business or society's, how much her education cost or what she has decided to do with it.

Don't know how many times this issue comes up in this section but I will say what I have always said. Culturally, Nigerian women, especially Southerners have been raised to believe that you have to bring in an income in order for your spouse and his family to respect you. Never mind that you have abused women with full time jobs.

A lot of people think staying at home makes it more likely your husband will abuse you. Please, spend time on courtship, know whom you are marrying. If hes going to be an abuser, chances are, you will see signs if you spend enough time in courtship. A very small minority of men can change overnight into monsters but that is not the norm. By the way, be careful that you, the wife, do not change into something the guy did not bargain for. If you were the saving type before he married you but afterwards, suddenly develop a taste for keeping up with the Joneses, that would not be fair to him.

Staying home (usually the woman in African settings) is a lifestyle choice and is determined by affordability and trust. I bolden this because for most people, it's not affordable but that does not mean you disparage others who can afford the choice. Above all, it should always be a joint decision and like most things in life, subject to change if it is not sustainble. No point doing it if one partner resents the other partner staying home or if it is not an affordable choice for your family

If the working partner's income is not sufficient to finance household expenses, you probably should not opt for it. When I say expense, that includes aso ebi, your Brazillian weaves, owambe parties, vacations, clothing, etc and any financial assistance to relatives/friends on both sides. I may be able to run my household on N50000.00 a month but maybe yours runs on $8000.00 per month. The same question still applies - can the working partner sustain the expenses? If so, for how long and at what cost?

At this point, I must say that if you don't have direct access to the income earner's accounts/earnings, if your assets and liabilities are not in joint names, then you should probably not stay home. Already, there's a comma in the situation if only one party makes and controls the financial decisions. In order for it to be successful, there has to be trust on both sides and each side should be comfortable with the other's spending habits.

Life insurance policies are available in Nigeria, same as in the West. It is called insurance in case the unexpected happens, fear of death should not mean you can't stay home and raise your kids if that is your family's desire. Sadly, the vast majority of Nigerian women that work, still have no net worth to show for it. It is still the constant hand to mouth, keeping up with the Joneses, dodging randy bosses at work who derive joy from chopping another man's wife.

Why are you staying home? For the vast majority, it's to raise their kids. For a few, it's simply a preference. If your spouse is fine with it and you can both make it work, do not let the mischievous sow discord in your home by calling you names.

If part of your self worth is tied to your career or how much money you make, it's probably not a good idea. For some people, working is not about money but about self worth/esteem
If you are going to miss the workplace environment, you should probably just keep working. If you are going to feel embarrassed and useless because you are not working, then keep working.

A much as possible, let your value system be based on experiences, not on acquisitions. I tell you, life becomes so much simpler once it's no longer just about acquisitions. Focus on building NW while at the same time, building your children (those that make the choice for kids).

Finally, yes, I stayed home for a couple of years, in Naija and in the West. I work now, because our kids are much older/independent and household expenses have grown. My extended family do not pry in my business so I didn't have to explain to anybody but I know it took a lot for my Mum not to say anything. She started working at 18 and only retired when she had a solid gold pension and left with a sizable package. If she were dead, she might have turned in her grave, she drummed career mum into me at an early age.

I stayed home but I have always had access to everything my husband has/earns and vice versa. I am that wife that knows where everything is and whose husband will "sign here" without a second glance because of mutual trust. It doesn't matter which gender plays the lead financial role, trust is non-negotiable when it comes to money, epecially for a Naija couple.

Nothing . . . . . . but it sure needs to be washed and waxed

This is what KSA once sang:

Sunny Ade o lo ro gun ninu olorin
Isola o ba won di te ninu onilu
KSA, dakun, ma wo won lo ye . . . . . .,

KSA himself said he had no rival, I approve that proclamation

neglect is a strong word

I never backed my children and have absolutely no interest in the practice, that doesn't mean neglect in any shape or form.

uplawal: Even my white neighbour backs her daughter sometimes,while our own ladies have neglected the act.

The dumbing down continues, SUVs to Crossovers