₦airaland Forum

@ Ucheawesom
I have already replyed you in the other thread as regards the issue of twins etc. No society can exist without laws. Not all laws are morally intact but they have to be upheld to retain the system, till they are revoked. Why don`t you write the same thing about the laws partaining in the western world, they are even more babaric. You are indeed another product of brainwashing. The whole aim of the white supremacy is making you to feal inferior. Wake uo little sister

@ Ucheawesom, I have to sway off topic again to give you some answers here. The tradition of killing twins might appear babaric but you have to consider that it arose out of fundamental needs. many women even have difficulty brestfeeding one child talk of two. Twins are generally more fragile at the start. At that time there was no substitute for bosom milk. It could be possible that the mother and even the twins could mostly not survive at the end anyway. Maybe the tradition was born out of a need for survival. The terrible treatment of widows could maybe be because the woman had all opportunity to poisen her husband, the tendency to do so might have been more in a polygamous home. At that time who would want a woman who had no issue to take the family property to another man? You need to know the origin of laws and traditions to understand them. I have to confess I am also not an expert on all traditions, but I am sure more people here could clear us up. Even tradition is not static and changes, sometimes too slow.
@ Kindway I thank my father for teaching me all I know today. I think men are also in a very good position to advise their daughters about marriage because they see it from a mans point of view. My dad always told me that when I get married no matter what mistake I make I could always be forgiven and if not I could come home and they would talk to my husband, but he said that there was no going back after a woman cheated on the man. Even if the man kept the woman, he would do so many things even years later, because a man can never really forgive that.
I think it is such a shame today that many women are just greedy. They want to have it all and are not contented with what the husband has to offer. They end up breaking their homes and leading their kids astry.
How can a woman be married to a man and cheat on him? What respect does that man have left? What respect does the family have left or still the children? That might even affect her daughters getting married. There are these two ladies that live here and are close friends. Years later their children wanted to get married to one another. The mother of the boy was so mad and treid to kick against it. Because the women knew each other and what kind of life they lived, the mother of the boy meant that the girl would only cheat on him just like her mum did with the dad. They eventually did get married but the marriage is already at point break-down. The boys family have no respect for her because of the life her mother lived.

Yes I have also had some not too good experiences. A relation of mine complained to me how hard things were in Nigeria. I decided to send about 300 € mooonthly for as long as the wife was pregnant and pay for the medicals. When I asked them after that to make a business proposal they wanted to go into fishing ponds. To start that they meant they needed two new busses
That made me feel so sad because I expected them to be reasonable with their request. At the end I could not help them any longer. Having so many commitments I can only render such help fr a limited time.

-

I have to give a testimony of an experience I had in 1994. My 2yr old daughter suddenly started choking one evening and I took her to the clinic i n 1004. As i ws waiting for the Dr. on call to arrive I noticed a man lying on the floor his wife was crying. I asked the nurse what the problem was and she explained the man needed to be admitted but they did not have the money. I asked her how much it would cost to treat him admission drugs and all and she meant like 800naira would cover everything. I went up to the woman and spoke with her, offered to lend her the money. She was so scared to say yes I think she felt I wasnt human to just offer such help. The nurses assured her that they knew me and I lived nearby with my family so they spoke to the husband and they agreed. I sent for the money and the nurses where asking her to give me her name and Address  and to sign an undertaking but i did not want any of that. Off course she promised to bring back the money immediately but I told her not to. I wanted the man to get well and them to take their time to gather the money together and then come to me.
Months later, I ad almost forgotten,i was having a nap when my nanny called me that I had visitors. A family with two kids dressed up in their Sunday best. I gave them drinks and snacks then had to politely ask if they were looking for my husband. I could not recognise them. The man explained that he was the man I had helped in the hospital and he was bringing back the money. I was so glad my whole joy was that the trust had not been betrayed. As they left to depart, I called one of the kids and gave him the envelop. I told them that i had lent them the money but this time it was a present for the kids so they should not refuse but use it for the children. I was honoured that they came to visit me. The way they came as a family and how they were dress was an indication that it was important to them.
We should always give a helping hand when we can, it is just that sometimes it get`s abused.

well some things are not covered by monthly allowance.
How much is too much or too little? That depends on their needs and his income.
Do your parents not have other children to care for them?

The truth is you want to be in control over what he gives to his family and I just don`t think he is playing along with him.
Please don`t go and do a charm to break this so called charm he is under

Lady Dee
My father was a typical ibo man too. I remember him bathing me as a little kid and helping in the house. He used to and still cooks occassionally because he loves it and he is over 70. He even washed the dishes sometimes. He was the one who taught me how to cook and do everything as a woman. But no matter how much he did, my mother always knew that it was her duty.
My husband helps me sometimes with the housework or cooks. I always thank him for evrything he does. He asks me sometimes why and I tell him because it is my duty and he is helpiing me. I love him so much for it because I know he only does it to relieve me. He does it happily because he knows I appreciate it and don`t take it for granted. However there are certain things I would never let him do.
Very often I really spoil him, tidy up real good the house, cook him something special and serve him his food in the real traditional way, help him take off his cloths and prepare for his bath. He loves that too and always asks me what is the special - I tell him I am prepariiing him for night duty
The more she submits to her husband and tries to please him the more the man loves her and has the urge to protect her and make her happy.

My husband is the first of 22 Kids and the first 10 years of our marriage were like having holes in the pocket. Initially I was the one working because he was in school. I never even asked him what he sent home and I never treid to spy on him. It was hard but over the years it has reduced drastically and today as a result of the help we gave them most of them are able to stand on their feet.
However while we could hadly build up anything for ourselves many of his younger siblings were able to acquire properties. Well I thank God that at least they are comfortable today.
How did I get it to reduce?
After some years some of his siblings were earning well and did not have the commitments we had. One day we got a call, a relation needed oney for medical treatment abroad. My husband turned and looked a me because he had promised to help but the amount was large. I just said to him, "darling I am not saying you shouldn`t help, but just pick up that phone you dropped and start calling your other siblings to ask them to contribute their own share". He was not too sure if it was a good idea but I assured him he had performed his duties as a first child brilliantly tll now and the hole aim of training the younger ones was for them to also help train others, only that way would the family progress i on the long run. He heeded my advice and was amazed how willing and proud his youngr siblings were to contribute. Since them the family members always inform him when they need help and he organises the younger ones. SOmetimes a younger one might even contribute the whole sum. Such help even includes paying rent and sponsoring younger oooones to go abroad.
MY husband also never sent anything to my Dad , when I asked him after some years he sais he just felt my Da did not need it because I never asked him. Well I never aske because I felt he had more than enough burdens. Sometimes lack of communication can lead to misunderstandings.

Please allow your husband to help his family , I feel it is wrong to intervane. Do you realise what parents sacrifice to raise children. This is his time to show appreciation. How would you fell if your own child left you out in the cold?

Lady Dee,
Times are changing!! What exactly is changing.? I see no changes in the relationship between man and woman, at least no serious one. Modern laws and financial independece have given women an option
However a woman who does not perform in her role as a woman, i mean the duties of a wife that have been laid down from the beginning -how long does the marriage last or if it does how happy is it.
The only thing I see is that tere are more options. there are also more broken homes than before.

Chaircover I did mention that I would never turn my back on my Grandchild because the loveI have for that child would be the same male or female. I don`T value my kids according to their sex, if at all the girls are more usefull .
The issue of the male child was actually referring to the extended family. The fact is that they would feel inclined to put more pressure on the man to show interest in the child because it is a male.

Lady Dee
Culture is not silly. It is very imprtant and you will do well to hid it or at least put it into consideration.
This is not only about culture but also the law of natur. Go read your Bible you would see that the message is there too.
I advise you to get acquainted with being a woman, it takes more than just lipstick.

Most women think they are modern, equal etc but you just get all mixed up and end up unhappy.
A woman has no right to cheat on her husband just because he is doing the same, neither does his absence give her that right. If the woman is unhappy, or needs affection that does not give her reason either. She needs to remain faithful in her marriage.

The abuse rate in Nigeria is very high, too high. This happens not just in poor homes. In most cases the victims cannot cry out, when they have the courage to, they are branded as liars and are warned no to talk about it again.
Most of us that grew up in Nigeria were affected but shame would not let us talk about it
As a kid alot of things happened, I never talked because I was so scared of my dad.
As a child one gets absused and and later you sell your body to make ends meet. That is the faith of the average Nigerian girl woman. My heart bleeds everyday I think about it.

I hope this isn`t a case of the man pimping his wife. I have heard that it sometimes happens in Europe.

Okay so why did she do it?
What reason do you think justifies it-
in need of affection,money, payback etc

Why should I keep my opinion to myself, when one seeks opinions he is bound to hear different ones, even ones that don`t please him.
UJUJoan- do you want to honestly justify a wife`s infidelity with something like the man cheating?
Strictly speaking the African tradition allows for a man to be polygamous and it is the law of nature that the male has more than one partner. OVer the years this natural instinct has been subjected to laws made by man proclaiming monogamy but these laws cannot curb the natural instinct of a male in most cases.
However as a woman I must say that i prefer having my male to myself

Well how did she get pregnant. Did she commit a crime
She just did what other girls at her age did. The mistake was that she did not take precautions.
I don`t understand why you should want to leave her. Did she tell you she was a virgin when you met her? where is the betrayal?
Don`t let`s pretend we don`t know what goes on in campuses. Most of these girls are even forced into relationships. So many good girls corrupted by the system.
Do you know how much more decent our girls would be, isf as a student you could get a part-time job that pays.
She did not carve this destiny. She is innocent. What she needs is a loving man to take care of her.
think about the emotional pain she is going through now. It hurts real bad parting with a pregnancy.
If you really loved her nothing stopped you from keeping her with the pregnancy and raising the child as yours. 

Rather an END without horror than horror without END.

You need to understand something about how women funktion.
Women do not have an uncontrollable desire for se-. At a certain age the se- is only a part of a package, tenderness, affection, financial benefit etc-
This woman betrayed you she was unfaithfull.
Distance is no excuse for a woman to betray a man-NONE at all. Besides you were never seperated that long.
If a woman wants to betray a man, she goes out and hides. Bringing a man into the home. Boy that is a big problem a total lack of respect.
You cannot trust this woman and cannot plan with her in the future. You will have to get all your kids tested in the future to know if they were yours.
Think about this. A man dating a married woman is a man that has little control , he must have several girls on the line, which means the risk of getting you infected is very high.

I find it funny that you are taliking of a pregnancy test- I would have her tested for STD`s.
You know one of the greatest joys of being husband and wife is knwing that the se- is safe. No STD`s and no fear of unwanted pregnancies.
I am very sorry for you but put an End to the horror or keep on living in horror and don`t put an end.
Because  a woman who has past that sacred bound once and betrayed her husband, will have no inhibitions about doing it again.

FL Gators I can`t resist giving you something to think about even if it is totally off -topic.
Do you know why in some parts of the world Africans are regarded as primitive and backword?
One of the reasons is that we have abandoned our culture while clinging on to tribalisim.
What you need to do is study your culture, get to know it`s richness and values. Try to have an open mind to other cultures too.Turn away from tribalisim, or this rediculus belief that one tribe is superior to the other. In the world today nations are striving towards a global village, comming together to become stronger. That is the Idea behind the EU and other multinational govermental and trade unions. Yet we Africans are still dividing ourselves rather than uniting. Even in a country we have not been able to overcome this weakness. A house that is divided cannot stand.
We seem to be sleeping and it is this long slumber that has let the enemy in and now he would not leave, rather he has dominated us. Long ago some Africans where captured as slaves and had to work for their masters as filed and house slaves on their masters land. Today the master has possessed our land and we have all became slaves on our own land. This economic slavery is even more brutal and has cost so many lives- think about hunger, wars and lack of shelter and health care.
Besides the issue of a stray son,  You need to know that to every law there are exceptions and restrictions. This was a general break down and not a particular case study.

Raintree I am not smarter than you, maybe just specialised than you in this field. I am sure there are areas where I could gain a lot from you.

money is important, but lot`s of it?
I am sorry you think that way.

When I met my husband we were both students doing a second degree. He wanted to break his studies and work but I couldnt let that happen. So i went to work while he continued his second degree. The issue of money never arose because the money was paid into the account and my husband was handliing the account.
Some years later I was able to go back to school.
The only difficulty I had then is the same one I still have now - the work load being a mother and working. My husband was and still is helpfull but there are just certain things I would never allow him to do at home. Today my husband still has access to my account and we plan together. I do not involve myself in what he does for his siblings. I told him from the start don`t tell me so I don`t feel bad about the amount and he has kept it that way.
I don`t think my love or respect for my husband has anything to do with his income.

raintree I would educate myself more before blowing so much hot wind. The custom and laws vary from tribe to tribe in some more rigid than in others.
In the yoruba tradition the property is divided per stripes. In full sibling portions.
When a man dies his status as head of the family is passed on to the first son who becames administrator of his estate.
Which verifies what I say.
Incidentally this is a legal opinion and not laymans bullshit
What a shame that in this day and age where we Africans should cling on to our tradition with pride, some people tend to write it off as nonsence.
About me standing up on my feet,that is simply silly. Since you don`t know me you have no clue about my financial situation or my income but I can assure you I have always earned my own money

what you need to do is
First take the baby for a proper examination. The mucus and her putting her hands there may be a sign of an infection, maybe it´s itching her. This infection does not have to be a sign of anything unusual. It may be that the nappys have not been changed frequent enough. It might be that she has been wiped back to front and this can cause an infection.
Secondly you need to prevent it happening again. You have to watch her closely as Oyinda suggested.

raintree I think you need to learn more about the different cultures, customary and sharia law that prevails in Nigeria today before making such a comment.
Do you realise that some widows get kicked out of the house even as we speak in Nigeria today because they did not have a male child. That there are many cases of women living happily for years with a man who never had a male child. After the decease of the man a male child can come from outside and inherit everything.

Shame on you for not knowing the customs and laws of the land

well the more I read now the more I get the impression that there is a conflict in you about this girl and her mother. Your deepest heart wants to do it right but  that doesn`t alway work out successfull. Even with our own biological parents we make make mistakes, we take wrong decisions.
It might be easy to criticize you for not doing enough and not loving enough but- that is human nature. A constant fight rages withen your to make sure you always do the right thing.
How can you not know her academic progress when she commes weekends. Don`t you talk to her. Your excuse that noone told you does not hold ground. I think you are hurting real bad and it`s natural but remember children are always innocent.
I had a stepdaughter  and I can understand how difficult it is.
Once she wet the bed like 3 times in one night, when I spoke to her about it she ran to tell her Dad that I poured water on the bed and said she wet the bed. I got some real trouble,´. The dad meant I was so wicked to cook up such a story. She was telling every visitor how wicked I was to her and i swear to God I never did her any harm. When the dad would go out she would run to his room fall on her knees crying that he should take her along and he would storm out of the house for hours without comming back with her. Leaving me and my baby alone. The more he felt I was maltreating her, the less affection he showed even our baby.
How did I find out about what she was doing. Once her father travelled and I wanted to go out and leave the kids with the househelp. She came into my room fell lon her knees and begged me to take her along because the househelp would kill her. I stormed out of my room in rage, I wanted to attack the innocent nanny. How could a child fear anyone so much? Suddenly something flashed through me. I remembered how my husband had stormed out of the house so often with her and I realied the child was playing the same game on me.
Before our marriage broke up whenever people asked her about her mum she would say, "she`s not my mum, my dad will get a new mum for me. "My nieghbours were all shocked they never knew she was not my real daughter, they used to tease me for always being with her and showing her so much attention. This was a child I insisted we take to live with us at age 2 because she looked in such bad shape.
Well the new mum did not last 6 months she was driven out of the house too and wife nr.5 had real problems still has now that stepdaughter is a young adult.
I thank God for everything. Even as a teenager she admitted to me that she did all those things only to get her dads attention and was  so sorry. She said she could never build up a daughter mother relationship with the other women. (but how could she when the never survived too long) . let her know she was a child and did not know the implication.
It can be difficult dealiing with a stepchild, because  no matter what decision you take or what you do, you kind of have to justify your actions to the rest of the world. Everyone seems to be asking,"would she have done that to her own kid?"

I just think she doesn`t rely catch it. Her misplaced priorities is for most readers certainly very odd. Besides whenever faced with concrete advise she responds that she just did that.
Dami you don`t need a lawyer to tell you that you need to prove your case beyound reasonable doubt. The fact that he is her father and lives in the same house and messes around other girls just isn`t enough.
On the other hand it is more likey that your husband could build up a case against you for defarmation, slander etc.
In a case of child abuse where the only proof is penetration without futher tests to prove that it was a pen--,  guess what - you too are a suspect
just as much as your husband.

Hi Pinkielove,
so much maturity in such a young marriage.
I am impressed with your wisdom and tolerance. You will certainly do it right and be an example for other women. You know this comparisim etc does fade with time. Fact is he sort of feels guilty towards his daughter for not being with her mum.
Now your kid is still very young, within a few months he will be able to communicate more, crawl and laugh when he sees daddy. You will see the difference that will make, also for your relationship.
Just be patient.

Are we talking about Nigeria.

It is a good idea but that cannot solve the problem.
The main issue in sex education is- the way you go about sex. Having only one partner, waiting till you are mature enough for it.
Now in Nigeria the major problem is that sex is being sold on the market.
Young girls do it for the money they so badly need

As long as the issue of the child molestation is not cleared that child has to be kept at a distance from all suspects. You have no right to expose her to danger

The fact that the husband sleeps around cannot on it`s own arouse the suspision that he abuses babies sexually. In most cases men who have this madness do not seem to be excited by women hadly have such an extroverted sexual life. There must be another indication that made you suspect him in the first place.

The issue is that you have no right to forgive your husband such an offence.
Something also gets me really upset about stories like this- That simply are not logical and filled with contradictions.
When real victims cry out no one belives them, because  many women use this method to ruin a man.  This can be the end of a man such a false accussation. Even when cleared in a court of law, there is always an element of doubt in peoples miind.
You need to know that if these story is fabricated you are not only harming your own family but also all those innocent victims out there, who never raise up their voices because f the fear that noone will belive them.
Look at the procedure in most despoil cases. All efforts are made to discredit the victim and prove the victim to be a liar. Now take a guess why so many victims don`t get justice!!
Because women that laid false accussations in the past are the biggest blow to their credibility.

candid advice-
Every child at that age wants daddy to love mummy. Has this dream of being a happy family. Wants daddy to care for mummy and even kiss mummy.
Every child thinks it is something special to sleep with daddy.
You knew when you met him he had a child-
Did you ever think about it this way- this is a man that even if you break up with him you can be guaranteed that he will always play his role as father for your kids. Do you know how many kids get neglected from their fathers when the marriage breaks up.
This man should be respected he is a good father a responsible man. Count yourself as lucky having him.
You can make yourself the outsider or be the glowing lamp in this situation. Treat her as your own - the distance comes across in your words. Show her love. Why should she be sleeping with daddy anyway when mummy is there. You should be the one to cudle her when she wants to sleep and is scared.
IF you continue this way you stand to strain your marriage. The more love you show that kid the more love you recieve from your husband. She can also sleep in the room with the two of you there is enough space on the bed, if there is enough space in your heart.
The blessings fo raising another child is more than for raising your own child. God will reward you and bless your own kids through her. Make your own kids grow up to be close to their sibling. You can only do this by showing love to the Child.
Pray to God to keep you away from the temptation of turning your back against her. IF you continue this way, this feeling would mature to outright hatered for the child. Hate is a negative feeling and also consumes  the person filled with it.

1 Corinthians 13
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

    Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

    And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.


The solution to your problem is LOVE

Certainly we can not deny that male children are responsible for carrying on the family name. Also the issue of inheritance. For that reason the extended family will certainly be more particular about that. With a girl there is a tendeny to belive that the girl would get married anyway and belong to another family.
Lets not look at this from the sentimental angle we are mostly Nigerians here and i think we do understand the implications. I did mention that I would never turn my back on a grandchild.
And to answer you question - sadly but true male children do have more value in Nigeria.

In "Family" you opeaned a thread about how your husband dumped you and fled abroad. Now your bofriends friend raped you.
I think you need help or you have a vivid fantasy