₦airaland Forum

The dressing problem already starts with the kids.
There is no more children's fashion. Kids now wear cloths made for adults only in smaller sizes.
Even for babys you have some outfits on the market now
I see many little girls of African decent at about 9- 10 running around here with outrageous cloths, heavy make up and attachments and wigs not appropriate for kids.
It just looks cheap and these kids get exposed faster to sexual experiences, even from older men.

Thanks Chaircover. That is exactly how it works out. When you leave the first marriage, the story goes on .
Even this issue of leave him before he infects you wit HIV is not that simple.
If you leave the man it only makes sense if you either abstain from sex or take adequate measures like testing with the new partner before going into a relationship and having the guarantee that the new partner is being faithful.
Now honestly how any women stick to that?

please don`t get me wrong,
A woman has to submit to her husband even if he is younger.
I was only giving the poster an added reason to respect her husband.
A bigger age gap in a marriage often makes a difference in the marriage. It`s just like when siblings relate to one another. When the age gap is more the relationship is different.
Yes Chaircover I think we have had this in the submission topic.

When you are in the pain of labor, I don`t think you care very much about privacy
It makes a couple grow closer and the man can appreciate what a woman goes through and it makes them softer towards women and have more regard and respect.
Which midwife can stand by you, hold you and pet you and really show concern like a husband.
I also find it important because he can express the needs of the wife to the midwife and Doctor.
Besides, if anything should go wrong there is a witness.

I let my kids dress modern but not indecent.
I would never tolerate certain things ad my kids are aware about it.
I don`t let my girls wear high heels, and make up.
Maybe when there is a special occasion, then decent make up, that one does not notice, no lipstick etc.
I don`t let my boys go showing their boxer shorts halfway

MY dear, when you marry a man that comes from another country, you have to come to terms with the fact that he will one day want to go home.
You should have thought about this before you got married.
Sorry if this is coming over hard but the sooner you come to terms with it the better.

I have never advised anyone to stay at all costs.
Maybe at high costs but definitely not at all costs

well that is because the hospital does not allow it.  In other parts of the world most Nigerians accompany their wives.
I think it is sad that hospitals do not allow it in Nigeria because it is a great help for the wife and that special moment should be shared.
My husband has always stayed with me and it really helped. He cuts the cod and always gets to take the babies soon after they are born.

In the past, I did mention that things have changed

It was no different in Europe in the past.

I don`t need anyone to tell me that.
I still suffer up till today from the trauma, I went through.
This is something every woman has to weigh very carefully and know how much she can tolerate and when to leave.
Some women can take more than others.
I certainly do not advocate till death do us part method but also I am against just walking out without putting in all efforts.
Also sometimes a woman might have no choice but to stay depending on the circumstances.

In Nigeria men did not accompany women when they went into labor. it was strictly a womans thing but things have changed allot now.
I am sure the man must have a very important reason for leaving to Nigeria and most probably both parties have agreed to this decision.
Your intentions are good but don`t overdo it or you might make things worse.
For the woman it is very difficult already to cope in this situation.
Stand by her and do what you can to help.
I would not mention the husbands absence because it would not help issues, she is in a delicate situation now and needs help and motivation. In time I am sure you will get to hear the reason he had to go.

Busy body, when many are quick on this forum to advise a woman to leave a marriage, has anyone tried to think further, what the future would be like.
When my first marriage broke up I was in my late twenties. Many of my friends were not even married.
Did you expect me to condemn myself to a lifetime of licking my wounds

Easier said than done. Many people think they will never condone it till it happens to them
I think it is unfair of people to suggest that the woman called for it. It is one thing having an affair outside and another bringing the woman into the house.
That is disrespectful .It is also not easy to leave a marriage,especially after some years have been invested.
She forgave him in a bid to save her marriage and bringing family into it was the right thing to do.
Most people will just tell you to forgive and even tell you to work on yourself. You loose your self esteem and keep trying harder and harder to make the man satisfied but it does not work out that way sometimes.
My first marriage was an eye opener or me. My ex was really into women and he brought them home too. I remember there was this day too ladies rang the bell and walked into the house. The greeted me went to the kitchen took food I had cooked ate and went to lie down on my husbands bed watching videos. When he came back I told him he had guests, he was shocked, those poor girls when he went to his room and came out with them. They apologized, they did not know I was his wife. My ex was smart about it. He told the girls that an officers family was staying with him.
My husband was scared could not believe that I never reacted or told the girls that I was his wife.
I had made up my mind that the humiliation was enough from his side, I was not going to humiliate myself with any girl by going into any argument etc.
I even ended up becoming good friends with some of the women that he was dating and that put an end to the relationship. He actually told me that he was not going to let any woman come there again because they would always sympathizing with me and have no interest in a relationship with him.
I wish I could tell you this story had a happy ending- it did not.
He finally married a second wife, a childhood friend who was more than ten years older than I was.
It was only at this stage that my family finally gave me their blessing to leave the marriage.
In the past I had run to them so often because of the abuse,they never saw anything disturbing about it. They did not even want to entertain the girlfriend issue. For them it was normal for a man to have girlfriends. As for the abuse, all they had to say was that educated girls had a problem with respect. I should keep my mouth shut and everything would be okay. In fairness to my family I was even too ashamed to tell them how bad it was.
That is why when people think the fault lies with the woman they are also contributing to the abuse that women suffer in Nigeria today.
Women keep on tolerating so much because when the leave the marriage the society looks down on them. The family of the woman too is only interested in the
good name of the family or the benefits of the inlaw.

@ Adetoru.
My husband is 6 years older than I too and a few months older than my first brother.
Now growing up my brother appeared so muuchhhhh older than I and I would never talk to him as if we were mates.
I also put that into consideration with my husband.
I mean not only is he my husband but also the age gap needs to be respected.

off topic

why don`t you mind your own business? The less you know the less it affects you. Even Obama had an illegal Aunt in the US.

One thing you need to know pinky is that this is the disadvantage of a ready made man. He is set in his ways and habits. You need to be married for several years to change him.
Also men at that age nag allot and are harsher than younger ones, as he gets older that will change again.
These problems you face now are very common with men at that age, believe you me.
Others with younger husbands may not realise it.
I do not see your marriage as jeopardized. You need to grow up very fast.
He is not going to leave you in a hurry.
As you start gaining confidence and being happy he will start to shake and feel insecure.
That is the reason he does not want you to work.
NEVER FORGET HE CHOSE YOU

Since she always puts away his cloths it is not as i she was spying and yes she has a right to confront him.
The story about the sperm with the urine does not make sense.
His reaction shows he took it seriously too.
His being annoyed later on is just attack as a defense method. Stand your ground there was no harm in asking.
Do not go about now apologizing any longer. There is nothing as pathetic as a constantly wining and crying wife.
A bit of jealousy is allowed in a marriage.
If I might ask how old are you? Is there a big age difference?
When an experienced man marries  younger wife he has to do some babysitting
You need to learn allot but that too comes with time.
Stop making too much effort to please him. It is the man that woos the woman.
When one is not as experienced let him do most of the talking when it comes to delicate issues.
Thia is a strategy in conversation. He starts repeating himself when his arguments are exhausted you now stand in a better position to make your case.
Be polite, friendly and go about your duties and concentrate on doing something for yourself like you have been advised to. He will come wooing you.
The key to any relationship is that two people are pulling on opposite sides of a rope. To make sure that you know when to pull harder and when not to keep the relationship in balance. If you weaken and let yourself go, you fall with your face on the floor. If you pull too hard and he lets go suddenly, you fall with your buttocks on the floor.
You need to learn to balance the relationship at all times and not let yourself go.
And even if you don`t have an Education go and get yourself a job, even if it is just 10 hours a week at the start. That little money can go a long way to obtaining your respect.
Just saying honey you don`t need to give me money for pampers or baby food. Or buying him a deo. Even if the job is no good it will make him respect you the more.
One thing really bothers men : how would this woman cope and raise my kids if one day I am no more there.

My dear poster you really have take control of yourself.
If you do not love and appreciate yourself no man can love you.
When a man comes home from work he wants to meet a cheerful wife who is happy and can make him forget the days stress.
Stop talking about intimacy do it . Put on sexy cloths when he comes home and just learn to play gf or mistress.
Stop controlling his pants that is absurd.
Besides as a married woman you should be able to confront him about it.
You need to stop circulating your life totally around him. Get a job even if it has to be a part time job and engage yourself in activities like with the church.
That would help you to give your life some other fufillment

How can a woman make such a comment at a time llike that
No respect, arrogant and silly.
No sorry today one calls it emancipated, enlightened and independent

Please don`t quit arguing.
I too am learning a great deal here from the younger generation. It will help me while dealing with my own kids to understand them better.
I have allot more to learn from the younger generation than from mine.
Anyway I became grandmother pretty young at the age of 38. I never in my wildest dreams believed that my son would opt for marriage at such a young age.

congratulations on the soon coming earth citizen and I too wish you a safe delivery.
I think you have got allot of good advise here and I just wish to add a few things.
For the car seat,etc. Watch out for good quality but also for neutral colours that don`t get dirty too fast. That way you can use it for a second baby. It`s not just about saving costs but also for the memories.
What is important about the hospital is also the doctors that are on duty at night. Some private hospitals are very good but lack adequate attention at night. I always place allot of emphasis on the child care after birth. I mean in case the baby needs some extra attention or comes premature. That is even more of a priority to me.
Buy cloths of various sizes and some neutral ones too.
My third child showed up on the scan as a girl till the last day but ended up being a boy
A friend of mine that had a girl a few months later in Nigeria was very pleased because I had everything in pink so I sent them all to her.
Buy a few real good things too that can stand the test of time so that you can keep them.
When my son got married and had his first kid, I gave them a sweater my grandmum had knitted for him as a baby they were so trilled about it.

Maybe it is not just about meeting the right partner but also about making the sacrifices one should make in a marriage.
Tolerance, compromise, patience , Respect and so many other things involved.
I guess the system in the UK makes it easier for women to just work out on the marriage with little effort.
I have actually heard some women say that they are better off as single parents.
Also there is no extended family there, parents ands in laws to help out with advise when the marriage goes through hard times.
Many Nigerians go to the UK and try to adapt to the way of life there. This also has negative aspects, like the attitude towards marriage.
as Chaircover mentioned too the jet age and the stress it brings with it. I guess even in Nigeria more marriages are collapsing than some years back.
In Nigeria women tend to let the partner get away with allot more than in the UK. The emphasis on emansipation, laws and infrastructures has made it easier for couple to regard marriage as a contract that can. be dissolved easily in a court of law when the parties are no longer compatible.
Finally in the UK a woman has a higher chance of getting custody of the kids than in Nigeria.

@Michelin and Outstrip
What achievement if you wish to call them that seem to you like heaven on earth?
Is it not realistic to graduate at that age in Nigeria.
or is the six boys and 4 girls that God has blessed me with. I don`t think this is the first time I am mentioning that I have kids here. I forgot to add one Grandchild
or is the combination of the two.
I mean as hard working women that should be easy to do.
I was privileged to have parents who sent me to school and I only made use of that opportunity.My kids are a blessing from God and I thank God that I never had any complications and that I have healthy kids.
Yes being submissive has helped me, especially in the last years because it is so difficult to function on the outside when the inside is burning.
All my energy is concentrated on my kids and my work. Believe me that at a my age and with my responsibilities I would break down if my marriage was not at peace.

children that grow up in broken homes have a higher tendency to fall along the roadside. This is fact all over the world.
Children that grow up in low income districts ( I am not talking of villages here) are more exposed to crime. This is fact all over the world, so what are you arguing about.
You can try denying it but you can`t change the reality of life.
Many women no matter how hard the work will never be able to raise kids and provide for them at the same time.
You are certainly entitled t o your own opinion about my being lazy
I have no problems with that. Would you like me to post you a copy of my CV?
I got called to the bar at the age of 22 with a second class upper and have since then worked and even gone back to school for a business course. I have always worked and I am now self employed and just by the side raise 10 kids plus a nephew, without any help from outside. I maintain not only my family but also extend help outside.
So hardworking women please over to you
Could you advise me how not to be lazy.

However I still have room in my heart to be sensitive to the plight of others, I sincerely hope you can climb down your high horses and see the world as it really is.

yes the children will see what their mother is going through and appreciate later in life.

You know Jennykadry calling this lazy is an insult to most people living in poverty. Poor people very often work allot harder than rich ones. They just do not have the same opportunities. I know allot of very hard working women in Nigeria who cannot maintain a family. Your comment is callous, unrealistic and insulting to such women.

You want a woman to protect her kids from a husband slapping her and then what:
move to a district where the kids fall into bad company, bad education and so many other disadvantages. Bringing in many men to provide for her. We know how many hard working women get contracts in Nigeria.

Please be realistic. It certainly is not okay for a husband to maltreat a wife but sometimes women have to endure it because the price of leaving is too high.

@jennykadry
if my husband leaves me today, who knows? I probably would be better off financially, because his extended family would fall out of the picture.
You just seem to be looking at a minor percentage of women who are able to fend for themselves. You are not looking at the vast majority of women.
YES if I could not give my kids what they need to make it in life, I would stay with the man no matter how bad he treated me. I would stay with the man to make sure my kids get a better chance in life.
That sacrifice I expect every mother to make.

well if a woman leaves her husband because he is harsh and goes out into the world without being able to cope, she has got a real problem. In a bid to fend for herself and the kids she  might be forced to swallow allot of humiliation from people outside, even have to sell herself. So better  stay in the marriage.
You need to know your own situation might not be similar to many other women.
My husband knows I  a very strong personality with allot of drive so all the more he appreciates my submission towards him.
Have you ever heard of  being diplomatic. If you practice it at work why not at home. 
Do you think because a man married you, it gives you a right to speak and act without control or consideration.
A man is the head of the home.
There is no compromising that. As the head he has to make or sanction all decisions.
If you cannot submit to this you are weak and lack discipline.
Anarchy, chaos and disorder do not require any special qualities

her mother is concerned but it is the wrong approach. She needs to advice her girl really well.
There is so much to talk about.
It is a time for intimacy and love to be shared between the two as she guides her daughter on the path of life.

That is the sad truth about some marriages but even then many women have a real problem with obedience. Even when they have no choice they still make things difficult.
That is why one should never advice a woman to leave her marriage. She may not be able to fend for the kids and herself adequately.
In that case better be one man`s donkey, than everyone`s donkey

Submission is an act one does willingly. That makes the difference.
A woman that has no choice is hardly being submissive she is being forced to obey.