₦airaland Forum

@chaircover you might discover yourself more on your knees than standing in such a case but being disrespectful only aggravates the situation. Even though I never had a mil my ex had sisters that were old enough to be his mother and they put me through a hard test.
I never knew that people could be so mean. They kept me crawling on my knees permanently when they were around,  my ex would even give me their cloths to wash and iron and very soon that became a habit and my in- laws would throw their cloths on the floor at my feet for me to wash. My sisters in law came to visit the first time and after I served my husband food and went to the room he came after  me dragged me and slapped him for disgracing him. How could I have insulted him by not serving him his food on my knees in front of his sisters!! His sisters demanded this of me.  I never once answered them back because I knew that would make the situation worse.Once my ex was posted abroad ,the inlaws came to the house and carried everything from the cars to the television, blender. I just stood there watching them, when he got back he asked me why I had not stopped them but how could I have they would have finished me.

I think this recipe would rather be a disaster for most wife's. Ask your mother-in-law to call before she comes   
I think most men would not accept that. That could bring a real problem between husband and wife in Nigeria.
I too would be totally offended if my husband said such a thing to my mother. The same goes to the reaction when the mother-in-law makes a comment on raising the kids.
And that advise of not opening the door that is simply mean. no it`s wicked and could lead to a break-up of the marriage in the long run.
Please ladies this advice is no good.

when you flog or abuse a child you do much more than inflicting physical pain. You hurt a soul for life.
When you flog or abuse a child you do much more than instil respect. You break a child for life.
we raise men that are themselves brutal callous and insensitive towards others. We raise women that are so intimidated that they don`t have the confidence to stop abuse when it takes place. The body is a temple and should be treated as such. I shudder to think of all the abuse going on. When I was a kid i never knew it was abuse just saw it as being normal now I know better. I have a few friends that were never beaten, they ended up more stable as adults that kids that were beaten.
When we abuse a child physically we have lost control of the situation.

I believe and have faith that God approved my divorce.
I prayed very long about it and God knows I endured. To avoid divorce I found myself even praying for God to take his life and set me free Then I would quickly pray to God to forgive me for even thinking such a thing. But I know now it was wrong to have believed that the marriage would work out. It only got worse. That is why I cannot honestly say that I believe that one must stay in a marriage at all cost. What did my divorce add to me? It gave me back my life, my sanity,
I really hope and pray that Nigeria would one day be so developed that women do not have to be trapped in marriages for financial or other reasons when it becomes unbearable.

Sorry but I can see absolutely nothing wrong with what he did.
Why can`t he talk to his sister about what he just bought, she is a part of his family too and what is wrong with her suggestion. All you needed to have told her was yes you know but you liked that one. I see nothing wrong with that at all. Don`t even friends tell one another when they buy things how much it cost etc, to know if they made a good buy.
I think you have something against the closeness but I can`t understand why.
They too are a part of his family and why should he no long discuss such issues with them just because he is married.
Sorry because I have a husband I cannot tell my sis about what I bought I think that is absurd.
Even in cases where husband and wife have differences it is very common that the extended family get involved and try to settle the issues. Now you may not be satisfied with their decision but it does help and has saved many marriages. If you had a good relationship with her you would have made that call with your husband.

I think there are some vows that should no be made like till death do us part, for better for worse.
My first marriage was a nightmare, a total disaster. I wish I had had the sense to run away much faster. I would have spared myself years of agony and humiliation. I think it is so terrible when one is scared to leave a marriage because of family or societal pressures, even worse when one stays because one has no where to go. Even after so many years I am still traumatised.

masturbation is very normal even among kids of that age. All one needs to do is talk to the child about privacy when doing certain things. I guess it is still a taboo with some people. A drastic reaction can affect the child. The child needs to know that it as not done anything terrible.

How true this is some of us only realise after making that mistake

you may get the desired result by spanking a little kid but I think you achieve nothing by spanking older kids especially on serious issues. You need to have the patience to talk to your kids over and over again like a scratched record till it sticks. I try to get close to my kids so they trust me and come to me first to confide in me all their problems and even when they have done something wrong. That way we can find a solution or reach a compromise. By flogging kids you only make them fear you and they hide things away from you leaving you totally in the dark. This can be very detrimental for the kid because children cannot assess a situation properly. I can think of so many things that went wrong in my life just because I was scared to tell my parents. I felt I had done something wrong and they would beat the hell out of me. But I never realised that I was actually a victim.
Flogging is a sign that we have lost control of the situation and can only use physical force to command respect.

yes sadly we women have to bear the consequences
Why was she so desperate? Because of the society we live in. Condemned, scorned and no means of fending for the child.

Abortion is a sin in the eyes of God. This is such a difficult decision for a woman to make but sometimes it has to be made

You need to seek legal advise there are ways to get this issue solved that both wife and kids are covered. A young wife if anything happens how can you guarantee she will not be taking your property to her new family?

you can`t compare a Nigerian party with an office Buffet. I think we have to differentiate there as Chaircover pointed out. I just could not allow my husband stand in the line and get pushed about. No way
At home he does a lot too but I always thank him because I see it as him helping me. I even go so far that I don`t even let anyone sit on my husbands chair or on the Sofa where he sits not even the kids. When I visit any Nigerian I always ask where the man sits so I don`t sit on that chair. I was just brought up that way.

What a loss! She is now at home with the Lord your little daughter. I think the first Poster said it all.
What I would add is how this child would feel knowing she was named after her late sister?
For that reason you might consider not doing it because she might live in the shadow of that name. You know the child you had was so special and no other child can replace her. The joy of this baby will bring happiness into your life.

You know when we want to do something "wrong", we have to look for a reason to justify what we are doing or about to do. Beware that you don`t fall into temptation. On the one hand it is not wise for a wife to talk about her past to her husband on the other hand, she wanted to be honest to you. Why are you now betraying that trust. Look at it this way, she knows and appreciates what she has in you. Do you realise that many women enter a marriage naive but then in the marriage they go astray and get carried away.She belongs to you now what more do you want.
You cannot stop thinking about it but you certainly can tell yourself that it is normal that when you meet a woman she has had a past.

I need to buy a ticket for my dad to come visiting in Germany. He lives in Nigeria. Does anyone know how I can go about it. How muchdoes it cost and most of all can I pay for it here in Germany and get it issued to him in Nigeria? Does anyone have any idea?

People have different views on abortion and everyone's view has to be respected. I am against abortion and I would not be assisting or escorting anyone to do an abortion. That simply has to be respected by your friend too.
You even went against your own wishes by supporting her even though reluctantly.
I cannot condemn you for discussing this with a third friend. I mean the truth is that most people tend not to be very good at keeping secrets. Anyway it is possible your mutual friend knew about it already.
It has happened so you need to pick up the pieces from there.

And N30000 is no big deal
Amazing really what one reads sometimes.

It is terrible what children have to go through just for being different. Linda I think what made it so bad for you was that your parent`s couldnt stand up for you.
I had a real hard time growing up in Nigeria because I looked different. all the kids had short halr then and I had this long tail of curly hair. The kids pulled my hair from the back and when I fell down they all started laughing. This used to hurt me real bad. One day the teacher called me a bat, said I didn`t belong anywhere, was neither black nor white. At school the kids beat me up to give them the things my mum bought for me. I feel my parents did not handle the situation well. I recall one Christmas, we all went to the club and you had to pay some money to see father Christmas. All the girls got this doll that had no hair and a very cheap dress, no shoes. When I was called up I got this lovely doll. My mum had given it to the father Christmas to give to me. I wanted to have a doll like all the other kids and no one wanted to play with me again. They abused me and hit me. It hurt so bad.
Even more painful for me is dealing with this problem with my kids who are growing up in Germany. I have had endless battles at school etc. But I never give up. I am ready to go to the limit. My son faced a lot of racial discrimination at his new school when he was about 12. They beat him often and called him nigger. It was so bad, the teachers pretended not to know about it and always tried to turn it round on my kid. Once the school said my soon had ejaculated on a pillow, when they went on a trip and expelled him from school. The children made up the story, they admitted it but the school suspended him. They said he had an abnormal high sexual drive The day he went back to school I dressed him in rags, tore the cloths and shoes and wrote the word nigger big on his T-shirt. When his classmates and teacher saw it, many of them burst into tears they felt I was so mean. They called the welfare on me but I explained to them that I would send my son to school like that everyday. I only wanted him to learn how to be a nigger so that he could cope with them. They had to really bed me not to do that, because they agreed that I had a case. Anyway my son came home and told me all the kids were so nice to him, like they had never been. Some of them went home crying to their parents. After that day everything changed for the better. It was a desperate move on my part but desperate situations need desperate solutions.
I forgot to mention, those kids threw my son on the floor and kicked him and put the pictures in the internet. The principal wanted the matter settled in the school but I still went on to inform the police. The father of the kid that put the pictures in actually wrote me through his lawyers to withdraw the case or he would sue me I did`nt even bother answering.
When another son got into the school last year he came back crying too. The school is a good school so hardly any blacks. This tie I stopped it at once. He was so scared to mention names but I got it out of him and I called the parents. One of those bitches actually had the nerves to tell me her son had been beaten by immigrants in his old school. So she felt it was payback time. I warned them, in no unclear words. I even told them I was ready to die for my kids and I would leave no stone untouched. SO they better call their kids off my son because I could not guarantee their safety. that really scared them.
Sometimes it is so funny, when I see how scared they are of me, the parents. I can`t count how many times I have threatened to beat them up and throw sand in their mouth . You just need to behave like a jungle cat and you have them running- cowards Well just as well. it makes things easier.

I feel so much pain. For the child and for the mother. Why could no one help her? As long as such things exist on earth humanity has failed.

@ Siena
Don`t mind her.
She just has a real prooobleeem!!!!
How can someone think this way? I also take my baby to official functions on my back when in African attire and guess what?
I find my pic in the newspapers posing with some govt. official or the other. They love having those pictures.

It depends what kind of tests where carried out. If they had some connection to cultural and environmental background. It is obvious that if you test children that go to very bad schools or have little education the result will drop drastically. Fact is that Nigerians are very intelligent and most of them when given equal opportunities will cut off much higher.
You need to know that anyone can put anything in Wikipedia. There are several scientist that have tried to evolve theories that blacks are less intelligent and not capable of certain qualities but that is all based on racial discrimination.

You need to take a long hard look at your self young woman
The man is not silly, he is wooing a woman and using what he`s got. To you it may be something special but maybe to him it is peanuts.
The only silly person and greedy at that that I see is you.
that man gave you that gift to commit you to consider him at least. You took the gift knowing you would not.
That makes you a fraudster too.
YOu should be ashamed of yourself really.
Sorry to sound so harsh.

@ Ucheawesom the killing of twins was at the time it was practised not barbaric because it was necessary for survival of the mother. Today with modern medical facilities etc it would be barbaric if still practised.
Do you not embrace the modern law system. Do you accept every part of it? The death penalty. What about the laws legalising slaves and the laws in Germany that made the killing of Jews possible. No every legal system has it`s faults and bad aspects which one has to amend with time. We cannot condemn the entire system or else we have only anarchy.

When you go to a function and you have little knowledge the right thing is to watch what others do and do the same and you need to be at alert and ask questions. There is no excuse for your behaviour. If you felt it was important you would have noticed what was going on.
Well now you know so next time you can do it right. I really think you ought to rethink your attitude towards men especially if you are marriedt to a Nigerian. Try to come down from your high horse.
You should have felt proud and privileged to serve him his food.

Sharon. I love that name.

Does a woman loose her self respect by staying in a marriage, when the husband takes another wife
I do not think the relations should want to get rid of you if you played the role of a wife to their satisfaction till then. I think you just might want to make the best of a bad situation. Polygamy still functions when all parties show tolerance and consideration. You have to know if you can tolerate it. I mean your husband might still come around and treat you fairly after some time. Reflect on your situation and try to assess what is better for you and the kids.

why don`t you ask your family this question?
Please this is not a sacrifice you make for a girl you only just met. If you were married and maybe she got infected through other means it is a different issue.
Whoever is advising you to stay does not really care for you-
Life brings enough problems with it, try to avoid the ones you can.
If it turns out to be a joke , to hell with her. That joke is too expensive. A woman that makes that kind of joke or leis about getting pregnant has a questionable behaviour.

Why should a woman avoid hard jobs to get pregnant? That cannot be true. In the past our mothers were working hard on the fields even with one baby on the back and got pregnant.
Avoid this and avoid that, all might have some truth in it but why not hit the real nail on the head?
Normally in rare cases women are not fertile, however rare cases.
How many women today that are seeking to get pregnant have not been pregnant at least once in their life?
When a woman spends years before getting married on contraceptives and has a series of abortions, she should know that it might have some effect on her in later years.
We spend a reckless life before marriage and then we get married and the fear overcomes us. What if our past catches up on us? What if God will punish me for all those abortions etc. That guilt alone is enough to affect one getting pregnant, because the homonal balance gets affected.
After we get married we come on exotic solutions like avoiding pain killers, eating particular food, vitamins, fertility pills. Possibly do little or no work while waiting to get pregnant.
PRevention is better than cure.

how can i  handle this situation without affecting my marriage and digracing my former girlfriend

This question contains the true context of your whole situation.
You are worried about "affecting" your wife. Why are you not worried about the fact that you are disgracing her and hurting her? You know even without realising it you haven`t gotten off that girl and you are still ready to have her back. You never really put an end to the relationship. Who knows your true motive of going into this marriage, maybe even to show her that you can get another.
There are clear ways of telling someone NO at the first time. Say it in such a way that she gets the message, even at the cost of being rude.
All you are doing now is humilating your wife. If you don`t put an end to this immediatly you will soon fall back to that girl.
Are you the first married man?
Many men have relationships even while being married but the girl does not get that bold.
The simple truth is that you are giving her the go ahead to do what she is doing.