₦airaland Forum

Hallo People

Duh, clemcy, What r u yapping on about?

I'm sure Father Dracula wud have sipped the poor bat's blood. Nice joke fella

weirddezzi, na which part of the land u comot from. Na so dem give u orientation wen u comot from ur farmland. I sure say better people give u better orientation.
Elementus, if u sure say u wan remain for ur good elements, beta troway dat advice. Find one sweet, sexy lollipop make she give u better orientation abeg. U no see ur adviser dey look for attention everywhere. No follow im footsteps ooo.

at joke

So, if we that read this piece r supposed to be Ungodly, U wey post am, wetin u be. Devilish.

Hmm Memunah, u no try oooo.

C as u make some useless boyz and gals begin misbehave for dem mind.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

Forms into the Ninja Academy are now available and Starbucks Cafe, Ajegunle. Pls rush and grab ur forms now for a token fee of 419 WAWA WAUA. Bruce Lee is scheduled to take care of the Kin Jit Su classes. Ituen SumTin Wong is taking care of the Luk Bot Don Toch _{It has sumtin to do with gals} Classes. Saucekid "The Tiger" Chung is babysitting all toddlers and babies, so u bet they r in safe hands.

Sir Isaac Newton will launch his 2nd Law of Gravity (Chinese Edition) to carter for all the anti-gravitational stunts we'll pull in the academy.

My PRO will shed more light on the matter

@ Ituen and Saucekid, u guys r nuts.
Go sing backup for eminem or sumtin

Update On Quentin Tarantino/Nairaland Movie

Fresh reports reaching our desk indicates that the BlockBuster Movie Quentin Tarantino Directed, titled which had among its stars fellow Nairaland members still remains No.1 in the US Box Office. It's already shamed the likes of Gone with The Wind, Titanoc and Lord of The Rings. Recently, during the 419th Academy Award anchored by Ace Comedian Olubangida Abachanjo, which which took place at Gaza Strip, Darfur Extension, Ghana saw a host of other Award Winning stars like Jaguar Washington, Denzel Edochie, Joke Witherspoon and others were all fighting over the one remaining award, being the only one left after the QT/Nland movie swept away all other awards. The result was so amazing, Hollywood has decided to relocate to Nigeria where they hear talents abound aplenty. So all u Hollywood wannabes, heres ur opportunity. More on this later

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Just got off Darfur Air. Was supposed to break this news much earlier but was delayed cos the blind pilot didnt notice the cows that were grazing on the runway, in Alaba International Airport, Biafra Republic.

Anyway, to the news: Quentin Tarantino apparently had been keeping tabs on this thread and is now pleased with all the contributors. He just directed me to inform all y'all to make urselves available cos u r all expected to cast with Pierce Brosnan, George Clooney, Will bin Smith and Jennifer bin Lopez Laden in Ocean's 300. Shooting starts Yesterday at Latitude 049N, Longitude 095W. Pls u r to report with ur Nland ID Cards, make ups and costumes.

Nuhu Ribadu is going to handle the payments.

For more info, call my toll free number on:

+234(0)1419007666 (thats a NEPA line, so u might not get me until there's power)

Thank you.

You think life is good? Go to Darfur and say that. Dem go wipe ur a$$ clean with metal slugs

Dude, did u get a sex change or sumtin? Cos dats a gal i c twenty-sumtin yrs ago. Fess up fella and i promise i wont tell.

Hmmm, i cant believe there was an award and i wasnt even invited, nominated and/or awarded.

Erggh, https://www.emoticons4u.com/crazy/1028.gif

Lemme train for the next big one. U guys r in a whole lotta mess as it is.

Sweet Gal

A typical conversation between a husband who return late from work and work as a computer programmer and a house wife.

Husband :"Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife : Have you brought the ring ?
Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morn,
Husband : Erroneous syntax.
Wife : What about my new blouse ?
Husband : Variable not found ,
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied ,
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny ?
Husband : Too many parameters. Abort!,
Wife : It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.

What If that's true? What if i ask how much kuli kuli will begin to sell after that Wacko Jacko fiasco?

It's no news that Ituen and Tessybaby have now been married for 25 years and just celebrated their 60th birthdays recently. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. Tessybaby wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the Ituen's turn. He paused for a moment, thinking he can play the mugu, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90,

The party of the first part (herein referred to as she) being of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as him)

FULL DISCLOSURE
At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the first date or match up), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further each party agrees to make known any deep-seated mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.

INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS
Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker" blameless in the event the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of Imelda Marcos' parties; or any picture of Bob Guccione in Penthouse. For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct," or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction."

DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP
Should said relationship proceed past the first "fix-up" both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the "first date" either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain,"or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Further, if both members of the party consent, this timetable may be speeded up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."

TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY
For the first thirty (30) days both parties agree not to ask questions about the others whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".

DATING ETIQUETTE
For the first thirty (30) days both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. A minimum of three (3) phone calls will be made between the two parties during the working day, and each party will attempt - with best efforts - to originate 50% of the phone calls. Additionally, for the first two weeks all dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night" to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabulary. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt at least one spontaneous "home cooked meal" and will arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days both parties will return to their normal personalities.

TERMS OF PAYMENT
It is agreed that - respective gross income aside - "we" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until:
(a) He considers her suitably impressed,
(b) we are broke, or
(c) He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!".
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.

LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil)
Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more then five nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at 7:30 in the morning, and both agree to "pick up after himself" while in residence at the her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. (By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".)

THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD
For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and -- using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married." Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend the other party's right not to meet his parents.

THE "L" WORD
For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word, "Gone."

GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION
Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
(a) Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
(b) Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex- used to do that same thing";
(c) Suggesting - no matter how kindly - that the other member should seek "help";
(d) ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you are, "; and
(e) complaining more than twice about the contents of the other party's refrigerator. (or lack thereof) .

DECLARATION OF STRENGTH
At the time of breakup each party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the following phrases:
(a) "You'll never find anybody better";
(b) "Nobody could ever make you happy";
(c) "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; and
(d) "My analyst thinks you are, ". (Psychosis to be filled in at the proper time.)

MISCELLANEOUS:
(a) Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes' notice before terminating said relationship;
(b) both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the relationship appear to be "on the rocks";

(c) at the termination of said affair:
(1)both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial intermediary;
(2)each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's friends;
(3)both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of at least seven days (bedroom performance included), and further consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup:

"The timing wasn't right";
"He/She wanted more than I could give";
"He/She was too involved in his/her career";
"He/She decided to go back with his/her
(a) girl/boyfriend;
(b) last lover;
(c) hometown;
(d) therapist".

ADDENDUM
After the initial breakup - no matter what - both parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".

Wealth



HIV or Cancer

An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"

"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."

The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

__________________________________

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.

One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.

Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and pullies is ingeniuos.

"No," the third student said "your both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager

There were these computer science student, an engineering student, a physics student and a meterology student going through the desert in a jeep.

Suddenly the jeep stops and they're left sitting there wondering what happened,

The Eng student pipes up,
" It must be the fan belt thats broken, the engine has overheated , so we'll just have to wait till it cools down, bodge the fan belt and we'll be fine."

The meterology student replies,
"naw, it's not that, its just the ambient heat in this place. It's not allowing the engine to breath correctly, we just have to wait till night time, "

The Physics student replies:
"This is obviously a classic problem of torque. The heat has caused a thermal expansion thereby extending the belt beyond its elastic limit causing capillarity in the water in the radiator"

The computer science student thinks about this for a minute then says,
"yeah, you might be right, but I've got an idea, What say we close the Windows, go out through the Dos and open the Windows again?"

Not anymore. Me here, me win, y'all loose

2moro is here. Part 4 will soon commence.

_{Arrives the shooting arena to take a reconnaissance survey of the area, takes an aerial photograph of the arena for strategic planning}

Bumble Bee

lovin d pic and studying the man

U remind me of sumtin

Like i care when it's over

Hey guys, i've used my mic cord to tie this looney up. Who has the matches? Sugar dear, where u @?

I'll donate curry and garlic for the burning

*Breaking News*
We have update on the recent Psychiatric Break-out. A Psycho Leader that goes by the name Revive has been reported as the mastermind of the break. We can reliably state that in her Satan-influenced Christ Hallucination, she had felt it was her own way of following in the foot steps of Christ by "Resurrecting" out of the Psycho ward. We've heard she's presently in Nairaland. Caution! Avoid this person as much as u could. Please call ur Local Police if u have any information that will lead to the capture of this Patient.

We'll keep u posted as the latest stories filter in

For NL news, this is Ninja Dude Reporting

Hey, i've come to claim my love. Bigbaby, is dat how u'll desert me behind my back? Just coz the guy's name is romeo _{Guy, i'ma kung fu ur ass back to rome}

Naughty - 10/10



i wish to record moondust's party _{just name time, place and participants}

moondust:
you'd have to kill like 40 cows to get me to do that

Or a good lipsical kiss that would break the Kwertha kissing record

Dude, even Leonardo Fibonacci didnt write such love letter to Rosza Peter. I hope u r not trying to integrate her Pascal triangle ko