₦airaland Forum

I swear, you remind me of someone I know going through this.

He's fighting principalities and powers against his soon-to-be-ex-wife and her family.

Narcissism (everyone you dislike is now a narcissist nowadays, it's like malaria, e dey spread anyhow ), witchcraft, theft, bad character, his life is in danger, he was deceived into marriage
Abuse, Manipulation, the Man suddenly becoming a "Soldier" of God fighting the demon he married, he's also a Poor Innocent Victim...what else did I miss?

Same accusations. Word for word. It doesn't even matter that even his family members see he's full of shi.t, he's sticking to his narrative (the new babe is living with him already).

A mature older man said "na format dem dey download, once they wan leave their wives and pikin".

OP, I don't know about you but nothing you've mentioned sounds like your fault. You're a righteous blameless victim. She forced you to beat her. You're suddenly a Man of God.

And that's suspicious.

Like some have mentioned here, seek a therapist. GENERAL HOSPITAL LAGOS ISLAND HAS DRs of Psychology abi Psychiatry. Commit to seeing them every week for 6 months. Also during that 6 months, find a Marriage Counsellor and commit to seeing one. If after all that, you still think Divorce is the best, go on soun.

Or continue down this path, get a "perfect" girlfriend who will calm your nerves, keep fighting that "Narcissistic Witch" of a wife, divorce and then in 5 years' time, when this has passed, you'll have regrets you can never tell anyone about.

And that regret will be the beginning of your problems. Wait till you watch blessings suddenly depart ffom your life.

Because God doesn't play. Especially when you use His Name to justify human emotions. Even if it takes 10 years, you will crawl before the Throne of Justice and repent. If it happened to the Prodigal son, to King David, best believe it will happen to you.

Best of luck to ya!

Your choice.

Cultural differences, hmmm.

Well, young me would have said "to hell with tribal and Cultural differences!".

Old me knows that those things do have a place in our lives.

Even in foreign countries, there are Cultural differences e.g you won't believe the mentality French men and women have about infidelity. Korean wives accept that their MiLs must suffer them. Danes, Norwegians share bills in marriage no matter how much you earn (you must contribute your fair share or leave), Latino men don't believe in faithfulness and also understand that their wives can be violent (so if you go and meet them and say your wife slapped you, they're not going to shout "divorce her!".

So Cultural differences DO exist.

But families dictate how much of it they follow. And it is used as a handy tool when you want to put someone in their place. Because if you check, none of the rules will apply to their own daughters.

In my family, I'm not sure of the expectations demanded from a Wife. Because my family don't carry it on their heads.

In my friend's Yoruba family, her MiL will be very surprised if she shows up, kneels to greet her and then enters kitchen to cook on Christmas Day. They have caterers and her MiL expects her to supervise and look very beautiful, so she can shoe her off to her wealthy friends.

In my friend's Urhobo family, those ones hate wives for a living. If you're a happy woman, their body will scratch them. Oppression Olympics.

In my neighbour's Hausa family, once you marry you can't go back to your parents house for no reason. Your papa needs to call your husband to ask if you're home so he can visit his own daughter.

All these people use parts of their culture as they deem fit. My friend said when her husband started having problems with her was when he realised that "in his culture, wife kneels down to serve food!". Meanwhile once she left and side chic moved in, he was the one setting table and even washing plate.

OP, tell your cousin that whilst his babe's culture will have some influence on her, HER FAMILY CULTURE is way more important.

That's the deciding factor there.

And most importantly, look at YOUR FAMILY CULTURE. How do you treat wives?

Because Divorces also means una get skoin skoin as well.

Nobody is perfect.


PS: Toke Makinwa and Maje Ayinda was intertribal (Yoruba+Itsekiri). Seriously, stay away from most Urhobo, Isoko, Itskeri and Esan men and their families

Kids should be proficient in Math, Logic, Science and Comprehension.

Because all of us need those things to thrive in Life.

And unfortunately you can see what happens when you have a society full of poorly-educated people.

And poorly-educated people will churning out poor teachers, who then teach kids poorly. So the cycle continues.

Get a good math textbook and teach yourself Pry1-3 math. So you can teach your kid.

Also follow this account on IG: nefescorner

Dreal1247:
This one wants to destroy himself totally. He doesn't know that there are families that you don't toil with. Remember that you cannot dump this one. Count the cost before you proceed. Why not fall back to one of his committee on uncountable number of baby mamas.

Ahswear o.

Have bankers in their late 30s with no other options and enough money finished? That 2baba can't go and find one.

Maybe it's because the Hon isn't carrying the name "Igbinedion", which is why her family is quiet and letting this happen. Or their child don enter road with egungun and isn't hearing word anymore.

Because this is literally eating from the gutter for her pedigree. Unless she has rubbished that pedigree since with her own hands.

But apparently, people from back home are saying she's actually dating at her level, if you know her history. And her family is very shaky.

Generations of pedigree and breeding, washed away by the 3rd generation carelessly.

Honestly, Life is vanity.

Ishilove:
When experienced and mature people write, the difference is always so refreshingly clear.

I am learning a lot from reading your posts 👍👌

If only my family members and friends felt this way about me

I'm learning from Experience, whom is the best teacher

goodman41:
I and my wife had issue and she packed some of my properties she bought with my money and left to her parents in my home town in Imo state. We from the same community some of her village people know me very well before I married her. After like three weeks I traveled down to the village to see my children on getting to my house I discovered that I forgot the key to my room in the city, but since my wife has her own key, I decided to trek to their house to collect her own key to enter inside. On getting their I told her I want to see my children but she said that I can't see my children I told her to give me her key that I forgot my own key but she told me she has lost the key which provoked me and I started shouting at her, immediately she and her sister start fighting me by picking an iron and hit it on my hand and one my right hand finger got broke even till now I can not do anything with it. My plan now is going to zone 9 Umuahia to arrest them for kidnapping my children and fighting me for coming to see my children. Please I need your advice on this and the amount am going to spend by bringing police from Umuahia to Imo state to arrest them or should I go to court direct? Remember they broke my hand and they must pay for it.

Well, it's only your side of the story we've heard so far and you certainly won't paint yourself as the Villian in it
.
The minute you go to the Police station or court, your marriage is over. Is that what you want?

Think well.

Nobody has kidnapped anyone because you knew where she was and even went there. That's proof enough against that.

Yes, Grevious Bodily Harm has been committed. But again, what if they were defending themselves and can prove that you swung first? I'm just saying, lawyer fit argue all this.

Not sure why this matter escalated to violence over mere words like "give me the key to the room please". But again, this is your side of the story, bros. So we work with it.

Go and treat your hand in the hospital. Buy small Stout and eat catfish peppersoup tonight.

Perish all thought of vengeance and pride. Or you'll do and say stuff you'll regret.

Go to church and spend the New Year praying to Master Jesus.

Start reading Proverbs from Chapter 1 to the last Chapter. You'll need it, we all do, because we're all fools in the eyes of the Almighty

Buy a Tecno phone with a SIM and send it to your wife with a WRITTEN message: "please this is for me to use to speak to my children".

Make sure you call them twice a week and be a father.

As for your marriage, hmm. Again, why is your wife and sister-in-law getting so heated that things are escalating to violence?

We will discuss that at a later time. For now, let's cool down everywhere, stay calm. Okay?

Odafe360:
she has finally called me today to tell me that the marriage is over and that she's not coming back again. According to her, one of the reason why she took this decision is because of the fact that i don't bother to go and check on them for the past 2 weeks that they were away.

See, she's definitely trying to mess with you.

But legally, she has not ended the marriage.

Right now, you can legally say she abandoned the marriage because she moved out. But she can argue she only went for Christmas Holiday (because it has only been 2 weeks).

And since she told you VERBALLY the marriage is over, it means nothing. Because she can deny it later on in court. Verbal anything means nothing.

However, if you send her a MESSAGE stating anything about your lawyer, that is a legally acceptable thing that can stand in court and her lawyer can say "Odafe360 ended his marriage, yunno".

And there's no such thing as "Lawyers will send Divorce Papers to her" in Nigeria, Nigerian Marital Act requires 2 years of continuous separation before you can file a Petition in court and serve your spouse (see how Nollywood is teaching people nonsense like "divorce papers will be served". And if she calls your bluff and says "oya make your lawyer contact me", what next, bro?

Which is why I said you should reply her on a call: "please this decision you have made, put it in writing and send it to me". Calmly. No sweat. Don't mention anything else, no lawyers.

If e sure for her, make she write am.

Hold your mind, na man you be. Don't react in anger or pride or rage, Respond in calmness.

Let's start working on you. A new, improved you

Remember, this is a process, a journey that never ends. And at the end, you will grow for the better. As long as you learn to respond, rather than react.

Juliearth:
I told you about manipulation,right? It has just begun. Don't be moved, she will come back. DONT BEG OR GO TO HER HOUSE. If invited,do not show up. If you will ever get it right in this marriage, it is now. Tell her your lawyers would forward divorce papers and you want full custody of your legitimate children and see her panick. Send me a DM for more tips.

And please, reconcile with your family. They are your blood. You need them now.

Do NOT do this, Odafe360

Remember that story I told you earlier? He's Urhobo like you and I'm sure people advised him to do this.

His marriage is over now.

Even if they want to reconcile, the people giving him this bad advice over-gingered him and he did so much shi.t that he cannot even go back alone to fix things. His father had to apologise for one egregious act and you KNOW how proud Urhobo men are.

All that is keeping hope alive is that his wife is better than most Nigerian women. Walai! Because she chose not to fight him back fire for fire. God bless her for this, because she realised that people were giving her husband this kind of crazy advice and she wisely refused to react or listen to people who were giving her hot, scatter-everything advice.

I'm kneeling down Odafe360, I'm from your side. Don't fight, don't call any lawyer. Don't escalate matter.

She will not back down and beg if you do.

Let us resolve this matter with wisdom or maybe you want to know that it costs N1.5-N5mil to file for divorce in Lagos High Court with lawyers. Or you want to file in Sagamu and be driving there.

Or you want to one day look back at your kids growing up elsewhere and wonder what the hell did you do.

At the end of the day, you and only you will live with the regrets.

My brother, I am not young in this life. I have seen where "Stand on your Pride and Ego!" has led.

I will put you in touch with trained marital counsellors, you just need to trust me.

Don't react to her message, respond. Difference dey.

Just say "thank you. Please put it in writing"

Nothing more.

Odafe360:
she has finally called me today to tell me that the marriage is over and that she's not coming back again. According to her, one of the reason why she took this decision is because of the fact that i don't bother to go and check on them for the past 2 weeks that they were away.

Tell her to put it in writing and send it to you via email or WhatsApp.

Calm down, take 2 days off. Cry, grieve, pray. Look for someone trusted in your family who can keep a secret and tell only that person. Because the minute you carry it to everyone, your marriage is over.

Still follow my earlier advice to work on yourself.

Make sure you go and buy a small Itel or Tecno phone, with a SIM and send it to her, tell her it is for you to be able to speak to your children.

Call your children regularly (twice a week) and calculate a reasonable amount to be sending monthly for upkeep.

Give your wife plenty space. Let things cool down.

Don't let devil enter this matter!

Odafe360:
this is one of the best advice I've read so far... God bless you.

Please be careful with this, she may try and manipulate herself back or she may not. Because women are funny.

I know a man (a somewhat immature guy) whose wife moved out once (he beat her) and he had to and beg. So he swore he would never do that again. When kasala burst a 2nd time, he tricked his wife into leaving him (he set up conditions that she had no option but to leave, then told everyone that she left him. Yes, there's another babe and he was looking for excuse to end his marriage). So he used that as justification for "I'm never going back to beg!"

Over a year don pass. New babe isn't looking so hot anymore (reality is a bitch), Bros has said and done plenty bad stuff. His wife tried to reach out to him, but he childishly rebuffed her publicly.

No wam, she's reaching out to his parents. She's also been much warmer in communication to her ex.

The man thinks she's trying to manipulate her way back. Ego and pride don dey set again.

However, I've seen his wife and she's buying new clothes, wig and jewelry. She's looking happier. I saw her social media and I am 99% sure there are men in her life but she's taking it slowly and carefully (which is the right thing to do). Which is why she's not angry any more, she's accepted her divorce. She's now enjoying her freedom.

This same thing played out this year on NL (guy even moved in with a new babe and then erroneously thought his ex-wife was "humbled and coming to beg", not knowing she has accepted his decision to divorce and moved on.

And you know women: Once we move on, issolova

Don't chase her but don't disappear from her line of sight.

Not unless you want to know how much lawyers charge to file for divorce

Odafe360

Just realised you're an Urhobo man. Hmmmm!

Degwo o, Migwo, bro!

Sorry o, but you guys make terrible husbands (speaking from far too many experiences). It's a cultural thing (your tribe looks down on women).

Na only your side of the story we hear.

I saw your recent thread about Divorce, Bros you never divorce yet. Na initial pain dey pain you.

U wan divorce? Divorce is terrible, it is like Death. The pain never goes away. Plus you got kids.

This your wife, she no start well. Paternity fraud is crap. But you accepted it, so keep accepting it. That kid is your son.

Firstly, forgive her.

Now, let's work on you and this marriage.

My brother, you are the Head of your Home.

No, that doesn't mean you're the Obasanjo or Buhari of your family (which is what most Nigerian men think that title is, Oppression and Benevolent Dictatorship).

You are the Servant-Leader. You're the Biden, Jimmy Carter (not a Trump, never a Trump).

Biblically, any man who wants a Proverbs 31 wife has to be Ephesians 5 husband. You have to love a bad wife to bring out the best in her. She has to submit to a bad husband.

And yes, all men are bad husbands and all women are bad wives. Only Joseph and Mary qualify for good husband and good wife

You have so many character flaws but the devil helps you to be blind to them and see only hers. Because happy women don't pack out anyhow from their homes, especially when they committed paternity fraud and the man forgave her. Not saying she's perfect, I'm saying neither are you.

Please leave her be where she is. Start calling to speak to your kids frequently. Don't forget you're the father and all this is hurting them.

No more begging her.

Focus on yourself. FOCUS ON YOURSELF! Leave women alone, don't go and sleep around.

Start by identifying all your flaws and weaknesses. Write then down, start praying over them. Don't you dare make justification and excuses for any wrongdoing, you have to own up to it (Accountability).

Identify your patterns of behaviour. We all have it, even me. There are very few things we do just once, we tend to repeat patterns. Once you do, you'll know yourself better.

Start praying on your marriage. Nothing the devil likes more than scattering marriage. Truly. Marriage is a blessed sacrament.

Your wife can't come home until this work is started, because both of you have to break your pattern of her always leaving after any small wahala.

She has to see a new man, a man who has changed for the better. She must be inspired to bring out her best behaviour and work on her character and improve, and she can only do that when she is under good leadership.

She gotta stay committed and submit to your leadership and you gotta be a good leader and listen to her.

If after all this work is done and her heart is still hardened and marriage is over, Bros, you'll done the work, you've made yourself a better man and the sun will shine on you.

You never divorce, there's hope for you.

Thinkingtru:
UPDATE

Nothing has improved; everything is still the same. The children are frustrated and confused by her ongoing bitterness towards everyone. They’ve been asking me why she seems so unhappy and critical, rather than ever showing any happiness. Even when they try to interact with her, it doesn’t make a difference.

I’m doing all I can to keep things from falling apart, but it’s wearing me down. This feels like the breaking point. After ten years, it seems like we've finally reached the end of this struggle.

Honestly, I wish she would see a Dr or a Psychologist.

Nothing sounds normal. And I've heard some crazy stories like this, someone goes off the bend, gets meds and their life improves.

Frozen70 and Fiscus105 have given such beautiful answers, I wish I could bookmark them.

I get that it stings because this was supposed to be a gift for YOU.

But maybe she (unconsciously) sees her brothers as your brothers (I used to do that to my in-laws, even cousin-in-laws became my cousins). So she shopped for one family. Which is a sweet thought from her.

Tell her gently, like you've done before. Thank her for her gift, tell her one day you'll sew it. Ask her to let any anger and hurt pride go, as you will. End with "I love you".

And please ignore every other person on this thread save for the 2 I mentioned. Why? Because I know someone and his wife who had a very similar situation as this, in August 2022 and it escalated and now they are waiting for August 2025 to file in court (the man was the one who escalated everything due to pride, ego and resentment and people gingering him with "I won't take that rubbish if na me!". He didn't care that his wife was pregnant and he had kids, that both sides of the family tried to stop him, he destroyed his marriage in a wild frenzy).

All the devil needs is a small chink, a little crack to slip in and bam.

I take God beg you, let this go. Smooth things over with Madam. In 5 years' time, you'll laugh about it, with her.

Blessings to you.

The woman they truly want is the one they discarded when they started making money.

But most of them can't get her back.

So spending money on your cousin is like drinking Maltina: nice occasionally, makes you feel an ego boost, can't do it too frequently or it will make you sick.

If he really wanted to marry, she would know his parents by now.

If she doesn't want to do the pregnancy test, she should do the Show Up Unexpectedly At His Parents' House test. Introduce herself to them as his babe. Then see what happens.

Her eye will clear.

UnfairLife7:
She has confronted him several times due to how he's behaving. He'd be saying if he doesn't love her he won't be spending on her this much. And truly is that spending part that is confusing my cousin. Like why would a guy be spending so much on a girl he doesn't love or has plan to settle with. The guy is just making my cousin crazy seriously

He doesn't love her.

Trust me.

Those guys are earning a minimum of N1.5mil to N5mil every month.

When they enter, they're shocked at it. Then it goes to their brains and they begin to feel entitled and selfish.

That's when a lot of them, their marriages or relationships collapse. They feel they can do better.

They go on spending sprees (I remember when MTN used to pay $1500 monthly, those boys were buying branded native wears like crazy). They don't know what to do with the money, so they upgrade their lifestyles and stop listening to the stable person in their lives (wives or girlfriends). They can afford anything they like, so they do. Prudent savings be damned (even the ones that save struggle to be disciplined).

Eventually, the frenzy leaves most of them. They calm down, because it gets boring seeing that money hit your account monthly (no longer a big deal).

The emptiness inside them is still there, worse, it's bigger now. Then they start trying to get rid of the money: spending on others to make themselves feel good and look like a hero in others' eyes and freedom to live their lives as they please.

You can't fix them, they ruined their lives themselves. Their problem started with low self-esteem and insecurities.

Same with politicians when they first enter govt. The madness no get Part 2. That money controls them.

I could be wrong o, but if you know these guys, you'll notice they have the same patterns.

If your cousin wants to test him, she should tell him she's pregnant. His reaction will show her clearly what's up.

OP, he doesn't want a relationship with your cousin.

He has made that abundantly clear.

She should either end it (my suggestion, as she's in her late 20s and is wasting her time) or continue to enjoy it.

Also, there's a high chance that he used to be married or in a committed relationship that ended badly (usually they screw it up when they get that Oil and Gas money, it destroys the weak ones with low self-esteem and they discard their stable woman and regret it). So they start acting like this: noncommittal but you'll chop well as a babe.

Sha, let your cousin start looking for her husband. This man isn't it.

Softmirror:
Why is the narrative suddenly changing?

Abi.

I watched the video of the plane crash, the plane lost its ability to stay stable, it was going up and down. From the video, there didn't seem to be any external damage to the plane and a survivor recorded himself praying as it went down, also didn't look like any internal damage.

But maybe the authorities are doing their investigations and have discovered stuff we couldn't see.

And Russia is notorious for shooting down passenger planes and lying about it, even with evidence. So even if they didn't shoot this one down, they're still going to get blamed for it.

And that, kids, is why you shouldn't tell lies

Sterope:
Everyone will gaslight the children that it doesn't affect them

God forbid the man becomes am poorbecause years later and he doesn't have much to his name, people will then expect the first wife's children to bear his responsibilities of the other wives children because they have the same blood.

The man always ends up poorer than he should have been, because money he should have saved, he spent maintaining multiple homes.

Infidelity is expensive! It causes confusion.

Even King Solomon in the Bible, was confused and weak in his old age.

Even those Northerners, you don't want to know what happens in their families. You're just seeing pictures on social media, it's because we don't understand Hausa and move in their circles. Some of them will be in the same school yet not talk to each other during the term.

Curtis003360

By the time I was born, all the fights had ended. So I thought everything was nice and fair. As I grew up, I started hearing the horror stories. Now, I can't have any good memories of my father. And I feel sympathy for my stepmother because she apologised to my mother for the pain she caused us.

Curtis03360:
No one is saying they owe anyone shit but we’ve seen homes where they all look out for each other and about the trauma, it’s their mother to bear and if they want to share in her pains so be it…..same reason I said it could be their coping mechanism. I never needed their help nor would cause for it

It wasn't just their Mother who suffered, they suffered too.

Have you seen a man in infatuation and lust? He destroys everything to get the Other Woman. His wife will be in misery, his kids hurt and confused as he directs his entire attention to the Other Woman.

Imagine having a father who is angry at you that you want his attention to pay schoolfees, when he wants to be spending that money on a woman whose smiles mean everything to him now.

Imagine having a crying mother losing weight and sleep, as she watches her husband leave her. She's going to every church, mosque, looking for solutions. Her pain is great, she's lonely and heart-broken.

Meanwhile, your father is in a fog, happily kissing and dreaming of another woman. He's dressing for her, whenever you remind him of his existence, his face changes in annoyance (you are reality and he's in fantasy land).

When he gets the other woman pregnant, he's delighted and acts like this is his first child ever, his older kids are staring at him with the hurt, confused and pained eyes of emotionally abandoned kids. Their mother's sullen acceptance is their morning and night view.

And in all this, your father and that woman DON'T CARE about the pain they're inflicting, infact it makes their love sweeter.

That's exactly what happens in Affairs. And Affairs are what leads to Polygamy.

Yet, here you are, being callous and selfish, demanding affection from people. When your very existence reminds them of the horror they went through because your mother and father were wicked, selfish people. Your words certainly show you're your parents' child.

I grew up in a Polygamous home. At least my stepmother had the decency to apologise to my mum, decades after inflicting evil on her.

You don't owe them an apology. They don't owe you affection or even acknowledgement.

But put yourself in their shoes and always approach them with humility and empathy, rather than entitlement.

That was what worked for my stepsibling and my mother blessed him (he's still reaping that blessing till now). The rest collected the prayers of a broken-hearted woman and well...Karma doesn't ever forget an address.

Your step siblings owe you nothing.

It would have been nice if they like you guys, but your existence came at a high price to their mother.

All blame lies on your father, a married man who was entitled and cheated, and your mother, who decided to join a married man to cheat.

Face these 2 squarely. Leave traumatised children who grew up into traumatised adults alone, in peace.

And for the rest of y'all: Polygamy never pays.
Even the so-called Happy ones, it took decades of fighting and forgiveness to calm everywhere.

Thinkingtru:
UPDATE

I sincerely want to thank you all for your kind support and contributions.

I’ve made another attempt to have a conversation with her, but unfortunately, there’s still no progress whatsoever. The kids have been asking about Christmas, and when they spoke to her, she said she doesn’t care and has more important things to do. They came back to me, and I tried to explain to her that, for the sake of the kids and the spirit of Christmas, we should at least communicate and make an effort to resolve things.

However, after I finished speaking, she simply walked away. I’m completely at a loss. The kids are looking to me for some excitement and joy this Christmas, and I’m struggling to find a way forward.

Plan Christmas with the kids.

Ignore her for now.

Start making plans to leave in the New Year. Make plans for getting custody of the kids via the courts. Prepare that it may be a high conflict separation.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know your pain. Focus on healing, it will be hard and you'll fall apart several times. If you can find this handle on X, vickiscrafts, contact her and she'll link you up to me so we can talk offline.

I'm so sorry for your pain. Life is not fair. But the sun will rise on you and your children.

Well, I was told recently that passports can be replaced, especially if they are fresh passports.

Go to court and file for sole custody. You can replace the passports as they're fresh with no visas.

Because if you don't, like the first reply said, he can accuse you of Child Abduction.

The court here will look at your finances, ages and sexes of the kids and well-being of the kids. So get a good lawyer and prepare your documents.

Once you get sole custody, you can travel or better yet, travel first and then establish yourself and come get your kids.

If he wants the passports, he should request them in writing. When it comes to high conflict divorces, it is best to have everything documented. Because one party will be making up stories to suit their narratives and will be so convincing with the lies, only God and evidence can stop them.

Bhus21, how far, any update?

You seem like an interesting guy. How are your kids?

Thinkingtru

Has she ever seen a psychologist or a psychiatrist before?

Sit her down, tell her:

"You're hurting me. You're hurting the kids. You're hurting yourself. This all needs to stop. We are going to book an appointment with a psychologist and each go for Individual Counselling. After that, Joint Counselling. Depending on the results, either we do Marriage Counselling or Divorce Counselling". Yes, Divorce counselling and Mediation exists abroad now.

It is not a request, it should be a demand.

If she refuses, start making plans to leave. Speak to a lawyer. Speak to the kids (without blaming her or making them take sides), you'll need to find out if you're going for full custody. Yes, you can get it if you prove she's hurting them mentally.

10 years is a long time and none of this is normal.

Please, don't let any of us diagnose her with any nonsense medical condition. We haven't met her, we only have your word for how she behaves. She needs to get professional help, so do you. Only then can you guys get an answer.

Praying for you, and your family.

Dtruthspeaker:
Translation.
She is saying "Ignore the cheating so that your marriage would not scatter. And that you should not come to nairaland so that people do not tell you the truth that even she too knows which is your wife cheated!

Oshey, Universal Translator.

Getright247

The reason I'm advising caution is that I've seen suspicions spiral out of control and destroy lives. And the story you told, sounds suspicious but there is no proof. I believe in intuition but I also know that we see what we want to believe.

A man started suspecting his wife of infidelity and his coworkers and friends told him "all Lagos women dey cheat!" (Lack of boundaries will let you listen to the whole world rather than take careful advice from people who love you).

His wife got pregnant and the man spent the time terrorising her and being cold. After the birth, his madness increased and he went to do DNA test at one rubbish lab. Results came back negative. He came home, beat the wife and threw the baby on the floor. The child got hurt. Marriage ended.

A year and a half later, the mum posted the boy's picture on FB. A relative contacted her and begged her to bring the boy to the UK. They conducted another DNA test against the boy's paternal uncle: positive. Then they called the father and asked him to come to the UK and conduct a 3rd DNA test: positive.

That man till today, is regretting his entire life. The coworkers and friends who were giving him advice and doing "Universal translator" are nowhere to be found. None of us are living your life with you.

Bro, I've seen a lot of people destroy their lives very easily.

I don't condone Infidelity from any gender. But what you've posted is circumstantial at best.

Ask her outright, let her know there are issues in your marriage. Decide on fixing it.

If she confesses that she did, please go ahead with whatever you decide.

Getright247

I understand your confusion, me too I'm confused

It looks like something happened between them but whilst you may be right in your suspicion, you may also be wrong. Infidelity is selfish and heartbreaking and you need to make it clear to her that your trust in her is damaged so neither of you should do anything further to hurt your marriage.

All I'll say is that she's definitely not cheating with him NOW. Their behaviour shows that clearly.

Even if she has cheated, you need to understand how you'll take it: will you end things immediately or forgive and rebuild? What about kids? And if there was Infidelity, was it one-off or an affair? Is she willing to put in the work to fix things, will you want to revenge on her, what if she's innocent? What if something did happen but it went no further than emotional?

Please, your marriage needs help. Look towards your parents and find a marital counsellor who has some experience with immigrants, to help you.

And stay off Nairaland because these ones will scatter your marriage for you.

Odafe360:
I've never rub the infidelity on her face, i forgave totally. Though from time to time, I feel the pain but never reminded her about it. When she packed out, there was no issue at all apart from when she threatened that she will leave because of a very trivial issue.

You're a very good man for forgiving her and accepting the child. God will bless you, he's your son. A father is the one who raises the child, not the sperm donor


Now, as for your marriage, put it on hold for now. You guys have issues. You need Marriage Counselling, separately and individually. But Counselling requires two willing people to work, not one. So make arrangements for it but don't tell your wife.

Now, buy a phone for your kids and give them to contact you freely.

Sit down and think "do I want to continue this marriage?". Really think. You need to speak to your marriage counsellor now about that. But don't speak to your wife.

Like someone rightly said, she should be doing her best to earn and keep your trust after a huge betrayal. That has to happen.

Try not to take too much advice from Nairaland, you're speaking to a lot of angry young men who will lead you astray. Look through all our profiles before accepting our advice.

Our favourite Separated, but won't go to court to Divorce, Refused to pay upkeep for his Daughters, Accused his wife of cheating over messages, Meanwhile He was fooling with Other Girls, Moved in with His Girlfriend but Wanted his Wife to remain Faithful, Uses Nairaland to Soothe His Ego rather than Take any Good Advice...

Is back!

Yay

Meanwhile, what is everyone doing for Christmas? Lagos State is organising Christmas Villages with fun and games, admission is free. The venues are lovely.

If I hear of any other fun activities for the family, I'll post it.

Fenrir:
Not Nigerian but when you've been visiting 20 years and date from the County you pick up the fucking languages you utter fool

Fenrir:
Why? When my white uncircumcised, fully tattooed and pierced gbola fills her perfectly

Yup, this is a Nigerian man catching trips with us

Ducks, ask your cook (as you're a baller in Ikoyi) to buy you fresh ones, the chicken sellers in the market will have a farm plug.

Or check Renee's supermarket for fresh dressed duck. If not there, there's a supermarket on Admiralty (can't remember the name) that sells different types of meat (I used to buy lamb there).

Fenrir:
You dont even know why Africa is a 3rd world country its not your economy, its not your way of life

Its because of the cold war

1st world all countries allied with America

2nd world all countries allied with Russia

3rd world all countries not involved

And who says shes broke?

Who said i met her in Nigeria?

I said i came because my daughter asked to, this amazing woman chose to come back with me as she works remotely so all she needs is a laptop and her income is not naira

So please stop judging by your standards and the way you think

Oya, no vex.

Truth is, the Rule most of the time is what most of us see. It does seem you're the exception.

Congratulations to you and your future wife. I'll go modify my post now

And I'm sure I know why my country is shite, I chose to move back to it in the glorious hopes that things would turn around, but alas...

Fenrir:
And i was a royal marine

And unlike you nancy boys we will fight for other countries taking bullets for people we have never met and will never meet just to protect innocent women and children

And let's just stay on topic please. Because whilst you believe his majesty's military was running around the world, fighting for noble causes, I would hate to bring up what British forces did (and probably still do) in Kenya to innocent women.

You guys have quite the reputation there.

.