₦airaland Forum

Phabulous4 and apprentist (and every other man who is in this situation),

Here's what to do!

Firstly, you're going to ignore almost all the men on this thread. Why? Because I've noticed that in general, Nigerian men give advice like Thanos:

You know, "everyone is starving on this planet so rather than try and help them develop their economy, I'll just kill half of them. Problem solved!"

Nigerian men don't start giving advice with sense until their 50s (and that's only half), they fully come into maturity by their 60s. So they're here telling you to cheat or become polygamous. And if you follow that, I will tell you this confidently, you will need N2-N6mil to file for divorce at Lagos High Court and it will take you 4 years minimum (Separation and Divorce), you will be paying 2 sets of rent and having 2 household expenses.

Meanwhile, "Power Of A Praying Husband" is N3500 per copy.

Which idea is smarter to do?

Now, let's get serious.

Yes, get a Nanny.

Yes, upgrade every appliance you need to get.

Absolutely drop all expectations of her and tell her to do the same for you. What is required is a neat house, hot meals and children who are alive (not even well-behaved, just be alive ).

Tell your wife: "babe I am THE HEAD OF THIS HOUSEHOLD!" If you need me to back thr baby so you can go and make your hair, bring that wrapper! If you need me to be the one fueling the cars so you don't have to worry about that chore, let me have the keys! If you need me to listen to you after you have been stressed at work and be nodding my head and saying "eyahhh!" I go do am!"

Your wife needs time and space to adjust and grow into her new position. You gotta be supportive of that, that is an Ephesians 5 husband: loving her like Christ loved an (unwilling, struggling, not even-existing) church.

You have to step up.

Phabulous4 and apprentist,

Let me give you small gist.

Like 7/8 years ago, my husband and I lived in a 3 brdm very small apartment. Very messy (because I'm not a Domestic Goddess) and we had 2 kids under the age of 4 (nightmare).

And then our Nanny's uncle's father's grandmother died (translation: she had found a higher paying job) so she quit abruptly.

Leaving hubby and I. That man rolled up his sleeves and became a house-husband after office hours were done.

That particular day, he swept, I cooked, he mopped, I bathed the babies. After that, I looked at this man in his faded tshirt and boxers and he was suddenly looking sexier than Rege Jean Page. And that's how we had unbelievably hot fok, in the corridor of that small flat, no fan, no mattress, nothing. Do you know how hard floor tiles are on your knees when you're blowing off a man Do you know how hard a concrete wall is on your back?? I fokked that man's brains out that night and I would have kept going, if he could do upto 3 rounds before midnight. Even remembering that night still makes me Hot.

Now, why did my man get himself a Por.nstar that night?

Well,because of this really old Christian book "Se.x Starts In The Kitchen".

That book said that when you're married, romance is one thing that ignites passion but security and support is what keeps it alive.

A woman turns from a Wife to a Mother and everything about her changes.

Mentally, she shifts into Mama Bear and Protective mode for her kids, her entire existence becomes keeping them alive. Especially when they're young (once they hit 8, 10, she couldn't care less if they burn down the house ).

Nothing else matters, because most women are wired like that so that the human species survives. In Nature, the human child is one of the weakest young out there. Antelope are born running, tadpoles swim at birth, but human babies are helpless for 5 years. They require the most protection.

And then add the stresses of work and society and social media being overwhelming.

Your wives are basket cases right now, running on vibes alone. She herself doesn't even know it.

And that's where you come in.

Brothers, your job, your mission (should you choose to accept it ) is to be her PROTECTOR AND SECURITY DURING THIS PERIOD, SO SHE CAN DO WHAT NATURE INTENDED HER TO DO, FOR YOUR CHILDREN.

Which is why sexx starts in the kitchen, which is why I rushed my hubby: because he was supporting me so I could be a better Mum.

And that made him so, so sexy in my eyes.

And I am not the only woman like that.

So that's my explanation for what's going on, my next post will be "here's what you're gonna do".

Phabulous4 and apprentist, I have been summoned.

Oya, let me drop my 2 kobo, get a big sheet of pen and paper and write this down:

Go and buy "Power Of A Praying Husband" by Stormie Omartian.

Read it, with your bible close by.

You're welcome

(In my next post, I'll share all my thoughts).

Helpout12345:
Apply all of her advise up there except the part that she said you should bring out all your assets and table them to your wife. DON'T DO THAT.

From other past experiences in western countries, that method is a highway to divorce courts. She will now have full information about your assets home and abroad that can be used against you in divorce court. Her lawyers will apply their regular "wish list" divorce settlement templates against your asset and you will lose bitterly.

With all due respect, you're wrong.

When misunderstanding starts, everyone becomes suspicious of each other. We all go "shields up!", summon our dragons and assume the other person is attacking.

And that's exactly how my newly-divorced friend ended up divorced: he and his wife were having problems, he (foolishly) decided to move out for a year and people told his wife "he's gonna clear all the accounts and file and screw you over!". So she filed immediately.

Of course, divorce isn't nice and rarely amicable (forget the lies you hear people spout online, once lawyers are involved, it will get ugly).

So after they were done fighting (correction, they're still fighting, he just got back the house), there's too much bad blood and bad experiences, that have happened and neither of them is truly happy, their kids certainly aren't happy, but they're still divorced.

There's no "Me" or "Shields Up" in a Marriage.

My sibling is a 54-year old Dr in Nigeria, do you KNOW how many people, men mostly, that have been brought in DOA or almost and nobody could identify them, contact their families or even access their financials because their phones are PRIVATE PROPERTY from their wives?

Do you know how many bankers love Nigerian men because of the numerous dormant accounts they are stealing from quietly because the wife has zero idea of her late husband's finances?

If you don't plan on trusting your husband or wife fully, stay single.

Even the Apostle Paul recommends Singleness because he knew how hard and committed Marriage was.

onuku:
Thank you so much for the kind advise. I will do so.

In addition, please add the questions WhiteIverson mentioned to your conversation.

"Is this a debt issue?"

Super serious Q, because y'all are going into a recession in the US of A.

BTW, this may be a good time to look at buying a rental property. Extra income for the retirement account for BOTH of you. Tell her this.

Rooting for you two ❤️

Onuku, your financial talk should include:

Investment accounts,
Roth IRAs
529s
Retirement accounts from your respective companies
Medicaid (it may not exist by then )
Investments back home
Investments in the US (a 2nd business)
Spending money (for when your midlife crisis hits, you buy a motorcycle and carry her across Route 66 on a road trip and get her pregnant at 47

In other words, show her you're still committed to building a life together, it's just her turn to pick up that financial section and maybe your turn to take care of the domestics.

Infact, call her "the Man of the House" as she dey pay bills, buy an apron and serve her food wearing only your boxers and the apron, shake your bumbum in front of her and tell her "baby plis can you pay for my Netflix??"

Laughter will always be the best medicine.

Remember, Ephesians 5: 23-33. She's your body, treat your body right

Onuku

A lot of times, our insecurities and fears are triggered by an external factor.

We can't start saying "I may not trust my spouse" so we get defensive and then protective of ourself. Our spouse sees that and reacts to it.

The Enemy of course is working overtime because he loves misunderstandings, he's broken up so many covenants with that. he will water that seed of misunderstanding and mistrust until it grows I to a tree.

God doesn't want that and once you go to Him, He will help you uproot that seed before it becomes a tree.

Because every marriage dies by a 1000 cuts and finances, lack of communication and mistrust are 3.

Something, maybe a combo of what she saw and something you did, has triggered her defenses. She's not going to tell you, but she's forgotten she's part of a triple team. You need to reassure her and calm the muddy waters.

I edited this to add:

I didn't read any of your other replies on the thread when I typed my earlier response.

It's scary I'm right. You're about to retire and she's feeling like you're about to take care of yourself whilst she shoulders the bills. She's finally seeing how hard it is to pay bills and the Enemy has planted a seed in her head that you will soon buy land in Nigeria in your name only and begin to build whilst she is doing jackie and dodoyo.

It's a Trust issue.

If you call her family or yours, you will love divorce court by 2027.

Fix this with God and love. Come back, drinking your Caprisun and eating your biscuit and update us.

onuku:
The marriage is over 15 years. Husband was taking care of everything throughout the period during the marriage. She started working last year's January, and started doing feeding for a family of 5 last July. 3 months ago, we agreed that she will also contribute some money towards utilities. She contributed towards utilities for 2 months and stopped. Reason being that she doesn't have money

Hallo

May I chip in?

This is not a money issue, this is a Trust issue.

And if allowed to fester, could get ugly. So here's a game plan.

Step 1: Sit with the Lord. Commit your marriage to prayer. Ask Him to guide the family and blessing He gave you. Tell the Lord to show you what an Ephesians 5: 23-33 kind of husband looks like, because it's time to love your wife like Christ loved the (misbehaving) church.

Step 2: print all your financial documents, every bank account statement, retirement account, even the one in Nigeria. Any document showing whatever property you own, print out a copy.

DO NOT DARE ATTEMPT TO LIE BY OMISSION ON STEP 2. BECAUSE I ASSURE YOU, THE ENEMY IS BANKING ON THIS.

Step 3: send your wife a text "hey, I would like us to sit down and have a talk this weekend, please schedule 3 hours for it. Love, your husband".

Some authority with a sprinkle of love. We are leading gently, leading though. Remember that.

Step 4: make sure the kids are not anywhere around during those 3 hours. No distractions, phones on silent. TV off. Nowhere to go, nothing to do.

Step 5: buy 4 Caprisun and 2 packs of biscuits.

D-Day

Come to the meeting place, sit down beside Madam, folder of papers in hand.

Modulate your voice, monitor your emotions, tell yourself "I'm talking to a white surbodinate, not a Naija woman". You should be THAT calm.

Gently yet firmly bring up "what's going on, we had an agreement, you're backing out, the family finances are getting hurt. What's happening?"

She has her shields up, so she's going to say "nothing".

You continue, press her gently. Keep mentioning the phrase "Family Finances", "Team Work", "US against the problem", "Our Money".

Show her your folder and be open about your finances with her. Encourage her to do the same, maybe at a later date. Explain to her that if you work together, everyone will achieve their goals together.

Be firm yet gentle. Show her you're an open book.

After the meeting, continue to be an Open book. Now is the time to let her have your phone passwords. Whatever income comes in, she should know and she should have a say in how she spends what she earns and also have a say in Family Financial planning.

Now, everyone will tell you I'm crazy, that you should never trust a Naija woman like that, lots of bad experiences will be shared with you.

Ignore it all.

Because when your Trust issue with your wife escalates, none of us will be there to hold you as you fall apart. And it will be UGLY.

In 3-5 months, one day your wife will gist you about Ebele or Modupe, whose husband suddenly emptied their accounts and cleaned her out and filed for divorce and remarried or built house in Nigeria in his name alone, after she was contributing to the bills loyally.

Please go and get that Caprisun and biscuits,sit beside her, open it for her and you, eat,drink and go "ehhhh! Aahhhhh, that's bad o"

And thank God that you avoided that.

Kindheartedd

If you're in Lagos, please go to General Hospital Lagos Island and request to see a Paediatrician. The Paediatrician will be able to diagnose for any medical condition and even will know Educational Consultants to send you to.

Once you can meet an Educational Consultant and they worked with your son, you'll have a plan on how to support and push him further.

You're strong, mama. You got this. Always rely on God when you have bad days.

And remember, his path may not be academic and still be great.

Another reason this may be happening is that the Wife may have a medical issue and the couple have decided that this is what is best for their family: selecting a new wife that will not maltreat the kids, together.

There's more to the story but OP won't see it until she dey inside and trapped with one baby.

Because again, you're hanging out happily with a woman taking your husband's attention? Even the Pastor's wife who said she was ironing her hubby's clothes to meet his side chics, wasn't doing it happily o.

Sterope:
It actually happens far more than you think.

There I nothing wrong with these women. There are those of them that are independent, intelligent and successful.

However, it still feels and sounds abnormal.

The only one I've ever seen was an IG reel of a young Saudi babe who was delighted her bestie married her super rich husband a year later. And honestly, the 2 girls were unbelievably hot and looked like a magazine catalogue, so who knows what is really happening in that house.

The ones I know in real life, they are successful women who bond over a man and it leaves you scratching your head...until you meet the man . Right now, Babe no.3 is trying to upgrade to Wife and she's defending her man and the 2 previous women are laughing together, because the broom they used on them dey under bed for No.3

I have seen and heard of Muslim women, whom are trained from birth to expect to share their husband with 3 other women, still struggle with that decision when it comes up.

I have seem 2 women who had kids for the same man bond and become friends. Because most times, the man is a problematic man and they gang up to save their kids and deal with him.

But I have never seen a woman go "my husband is excellent, come let me share his affections and attentions for me and my kids, with you, a younger woman".

Never.

Not even in the Mormons of Utah, those women smile for the camera but there's always issues below ground.

But here you are, being fattened and led to the slaughter, gently.

Wish you all the best.

Hello Onatounkiki,

How are you today?

I'm a storyteller, can I share this very old story my neighbour told my mum? I'm talking about a story from the 1980s or early 1990s.

She had this cousin from a somewhat struggling home. The girl was young, pretty and not a bad human being.

Nigeria was hard so her family had it rough: her dad was a transporter and he had a car accident on Lagos-Ibadan expressway and was now bedridden. So things were financially tight for them all, but they managed.

In walked in this middle-aged man (I won't mention his tribe). Doing well, had a Family, had some business in Lagos.

He met our heroine and promptly fell in love.
He was gentle, tender, mature, the couple got along very well. He started picking up her dad's medical bills, helping out and her family was grateful.

But the girl was worried about his marriage and didn't want to be a 2nd wife.

The man's mother asked the girl to come to their house and was warm and welcoming to her. She assured her that the man's village, he was a Chief and was entitled to 2 wives. His wife knew and had accepted this. They did several visits and the young girl even met the wife, no quarrel there.

So everyone started gathering items in readiness for her traditional wedding, you know back in the day it was Parlour and canopy they used to do wedding.

So the wedding was celebrated and our heroine moved into her husband's house. And all was well.

6-8 months later, Oga asked his young wife to follow him to the village. She complied. When they got there, he took her from the main village and into his smaller village, inside one bush. No quarrel, there was house there.

His extended family and other Chiefs were there, with families. Our bride settled in. She befriended some of the kids. She noticed one or 2 people treat her odd, but hey, people don't get along, amirite?

Anyhoo, she went to the main village, bought sweets and snacks for the kids and went back to the bush village and shared it. One of the kids ate it and sat with her, calmly looking at her. Then said:

"Shey you know it's your turn this year".

Our bride went "my turn for what?"

The child took her into the bush further, to a hut, with grass and statues with nails on them and a reddish stuff all over them. With skulls inside.

"Aunty, it's your turn to enter this place. My mummy said so".

Our bride became to shake and shiver. She couldn't talk, she couldn't cry. A quiet voice whispered in her head: "start running!". So she took off, didn't even pack her things, just ran until she got back to the main village. She got even more scared and went to the park to beg a transporter to take her to the nearest main town.

When she got there, she went to the Parish in town and asked for a place to sleep and narrated her story.

And that was how she found out her husband belonged to a secret society and each member had to sacrifice a wife when it was his year. So the members devised a plan to marry poor girls not from their villages and sacrifice them, then tell her family she died of sickness or accident and settle them financially.

Our bride eventually found her way back to Lagos.

Perplexingly, her "loving" husband, his "understanding" wife and his "accepting" mother never came to look for her again.

Ever.

ebubeson:
Parents be a light to your children so that they will want to marry someone like you if possible.

Way too many women would rather die than marry men like their fathers.

And that is very telling.

But men won't admit it.

My uncle told me, 5 years ago, "Nigerian men don't make good husbands until they move abroad. Even me, if I and my wife lived in Nigeria, she would have suffered. Nigeria has no consequences for bad behaviour, even the church will tell her to apologise to me if I beat her up".

His wife is a biracial Naija babe and truly, had they lived in Nigeria, she would look like a typical Naija wife in her 50s: broken internally, with eyes full of pain, managing her life, focusing on her kids and surviving. Instead, she's a glowing sexy babe in the UK, always beaming happily when you see her.

You haven't met her in real life, so there should be no talk of marriage for now. Go and meet her in real life, see her in person. Come back home and have a long think (over several weeks) and speak to your family again.

Best of luck to you, no matter your decision

You have no money. You're not married to this woman so you don't legally own those kids (poor choice of words). Forget about custody for now please.

Calm down. No, seriously, calm down.

Put the children first. Neither you nor the woman are putting your kids first.

Focus on bringing your Baby Mama and her Mother to the Ministry of women's affairs.

When you get there, politely ask them to help you guys sit down and draft a Child Arrangement Agreement. It will cover: shared custody, schoolers, Medicals, Upkeep. Ask if later when you are financially stable, you can offer a house for your Baby Mama's and kids only (to keep them away from the Ogogoro selling lifestyle).

You should get a Lawyer to do this running around for you, they will most likely take the case to Magistrate's court.

Please calm down and put your ego aside and think of your children.

Namaster:
You got married in Nigeria, DON'T divorce her abroad.

That's what DETTY DECEMBER is for.

"Yes Honey, your Christmas gift is at Ikeja High Court".

You have to be STRATEGIC about these things.

Errr, don't think this always works. I know a couple that the man is divorcing his 2nd wife here and she's filed abroad (and sued him for a bazillion $$). As long as both of them are domiciled abroad, the other person will have her lawyer argue that the man filed in Nigeria because he's trying to take advantage of a corrupt judicial system (which is exactly what the 2nd wife argued in US court and she got that).

I mean, what oyinbo judge won't hear that and nod in agreement, especially now that people are now faking legal divorce documents because they want to japa and they're rejecting them abroad because of verification?

Goshen5,

He needs a Family Lawyer.

What I can recall is that because they're not married, legally child belongs to the Mother. However, if he has the DNA and can prove he is a very active stable parent (financially, morally) and had enough evidence of his Baby Mama's lifestyle (sleeping around with men and women isn't a crime but smoking drugs is and then the possibility that her lifestyle may expose to the child to pedophiles)...

...he should be able to fight for custody.

And since she likes money and a fast lifestyle, he can offer a humongous amount of money and get lawyer to draft sole custody agreement with visitation rights for her. Dunno if that will work so that's why you ask a Lawyer for all options.

Brandiebird:
😂 😂 😂

Intimacy has been turned to rubbish by both genders.

We took something beautiful, generous, joyous and sanctified and turned it into a Biological Need and a Lustful and Manipulative Want and a Way to Fight For Power. We tainted it.

QuinQ:
What she instinctively wants is ONE good man who impregnates ONLY her and stays to help raise and protect her children, assuring her genes survive.

Do Urhobo women know this?

Do Ondo women know this?

Do Isale Eko women know this?

Maybe someone should tell them it's only one man that should father all their kids. I don't think they got the memo.

Like I said, it's amazing to see men believe they're the logical gender yet spout stuff like this.

All the runs girls who are masquerading as decent chicks on Facebook and LinkedIn just read this post and swallowed their laughter. Like literally, all of Lagos, Abuja, Port Harcourt, Ilorin, Warri and Awka are reading this and rolling inwardly with laughter. I'm sure Kano would join too but those ones code like mad.

I seriously don't understand how men think they're the logical gender and believe stuff like this. C'mon, fellas...

The Bible is full of manipulative women using sexx and sexx appeal to manipulate men into doing what they want, yet men are still there, 3000 years later, saying and believing: "women can't have casual sexx, it must mean something to them!"

Ogbeni, even your mum cooked a nice pot of egusi soup and nacked your dad because she wanted to pay for aseobi and buy you guys new textbooks one day and her money wasn't complete. She promptly went back to side-eyeing him and hissing in her mind once the deed was done.

They have a baby. Please think of the child, it needs 2 parents and right now, they love each other. You should have spoken up since, no hints, straight up tell him the truth. Because it was obvious the girl wasn't planning on being entirely truthful with your cousin.

And here's a crazy thought: what if she already told him about you and hers' past and your cousin went: "ehen and so?"

Let sleeping dogs lie.

bukatyne:


Hahahahaha @ the devil is a believer in Equality.

A dude on IG highlighted what you said about good Weak Guys having a different level of temptations when money comes and as usual, peeps were very emotional.

@bold: sadly true.

It's sad.

A lot of issues we have in society will be solved if we challenged and advised men at the same intensity as we did women.

There's no need for arguments about Submission once a Man is carrying out the verse after it diligently.

Feminism? Treat women properly, pay them their fair share and don't expect sexual favours and watch it mellow down.

Women are scared of being alone with you? Treat them like one of the guys.

You hate divorce? Great! Make sure men know their roles and commit diligently and stop saying "well she's not holding up her part of the bargain!". God didn't call you to judge, he called you to follow and leave the speck in the other person's eye alone.

This is actually a lovely idea...in theory.

Children need a lot of nurturing during their formative years. They need 2 stable parents creating a loving environment.

Reality is that Human beings cannot be trusted and all the careful vetting in the world can't stop a man from financially abusing his wife, cheating and giving his time, attention and money to side chics or walking out on his family to pursue his individual happiness, leaving his children broken.

There's nothing that can predict it, as all the men I know who have done this are literally the walking definition of "He Would Never!" Aka So-Called Good (Weak) Guys.

The Bad (Strong) Guys usually have screwed their lives up in their bachelor days so they understand generational fumbles. The Good (Strong) Guys will have reminders everywhere of what is at stake. The Good (Weak) Guys never got their morals tested and are blowing up their marriages and families once the first N1mil hits their bank accounts and naughty babes suddenly start giving them attention.

So, until you can trust Men to commit fully to their vows and be strong, grounded-in-Christ or whatever religion they believe in, with tested morals, and stand for their families...it is best for women to always sleep with one eye open.

And by the way, Women do also blow up their marriages and families in a crazy manner. The devil is very much a believer in Equality. Just that they tend to do it at smaller levels than others. I know some and the result is always the same: Regret.

CodeTemplarr:
A known BMC is talking.

He's not lying, Egbin is the power station area, light doesn't go off in that area.

Busariabeyx24

Communication Breakdown

Put down your phone. I'm serious. Both of you will talk better once you put down your phones. Remember, act like you're in 1943 Nigeria once you get home.

Disregard for my Input and Support:

Ooh that was me. I was the brains in the marriage so bright ideas was me.

Problem was, how I communicated those bright ideas.

I thought I was being helpful, but he was hearing "you fvcking fvcktard, why don't you just listen to me so our lives can be smoother?!". I wasn't using those words, but they were definitely in my head when I spoke and that would colour my attitude and tone in that conversation. Of course, he would shut down.

Now, I saw a video that said "Talk to your spouse like they are your child".

Write that down.

You probably will say "Is she not an adult?!" I said the same thing. But divorce lawyers cost a minimum of N1.5million-N6million (minus court costs). So it was cheaper for me to talk to my spouse the same gentle, patient, loving way I talk to my kids:

Because even the Bible harps on this.

"Madam, see this idea, I like some parts of it, you did good on some other parts, I have some suggestions, wetin you think?"

Lack of Respect for My Hustle

This is a very valid point most breadwinners have. So I give you this and you will calmly bring it up to her, once you've done the other things.

Because it isn't easy paying bills. Also, ask her to show you when she buys things for the house, she's contributing in her own way and you probably can't see that as well.

Tell her "I'm your provider, gimme some sugar when I provide for you, okay?".

Also remind her that cheating is expensive

Misplaced Priorities

My guy, you're describing a spouse that has emotionally checked out of their marriage here. I've been there. But once you start my program, this will fix itself naturally.


Manipulation By Friends

Again, that is only happening because she's not connected to you. You need to draw her back into your marriage and under your protection. Once you do, she'll pick better friends.

Right now, misery loves company.

When you want to end your marriage, the devil will surround you with coworkers and friends who all want to divorce. When my friend's Urhobo husband abandoned her, every useless man we met destroying their marriage was Urhobo (and she lives in lagos, what are the odds!). Even Bovi made a joke about it. You attract the company around you by what you think. Again, even the Bible says so.


Ongoing Emotional Disregard

Oga, please fix yourself. Start changing yourself and watch her change. Write down a list of the perfect woman for you. Then write down the type of man dating or married to that woman. And turn yourself into that man. She will mirror you and turn into the woman of your dreams. Not perfect, but loving.

And if your ego is screaming "why should I fix myself, na MAN I be!"...

Please look at Jay Z and Beyonce. He is billionaire yet still attends music award shows to watch his wife win awards. He's putting in the work in his marriage. Who you be?

Shalom

Busariabeyx24

Let's knack each of your problems 1 by 1

Lack Of Intimacy:

Ogbeni, during the day, get her ready for sexx at night. No farmer plants yam at 7pm and expects to eat it at 9pm. So toast her during the day
Ogbeni, go and shower nightly. Shave your armpits and down under. Smell good, get rid of that torn boxers. Also get a vibrator for both of you to use for play. Tell her to change the bedsheets and get new pillows (she needs something to grab onto when you eventually start making her legs shake and flat pillows are so uncomfortable). Go and check for lingerie on IG, send her links and tell her to pick one. Same with perfume.

I like giving BJs. What does your wife like in bed? If you can't answer that, then that means you're not putting her back through the mattress. You've just been using her like a Fleshlight. So you're gonna learn how to have her ready for action any day, any time.

Emotional Abandonment

She started talking to her friends because she had no-one to talk to. I'm telling you this as a woman: we don't really like ditching her husbands until he shows us he doesn't want our company and we decide to go get a life.

You taught her that. Remember, she's your mirror.

So no more phones, no more hanging out with the boys for now. Focus on her.

Date night! When a woman says "I want to eat grilled fish" she means "I want to dress up, feel cute and eat grilled fish". Most men mis-hear and they buy the fish and bring it home. Boring.

Also, no more phones when you're both at home unless it rings. Phones are killers of Intimacy. Focus on each other, assume you're in 1943 Nigeria with no NEPA and kerosene lamp. Your grandparents had nothing else to do save for fvck and talk to each other and other people. Much less poor mental health issues back then too.

Lack of Parental Responsibility in Education:

Okay, she needs to step up here. I know for a fact that a lot of teachers in Nigeria are doing it because it's a job not because it's a calling. So she may be burned out (their pay is crap). Sit her down and tell her "do you want our kids to be like Naija influencer Jarvis or banger incel boy Wizarab or do you want our kids to be like Ezra Olubi or Jason Njoku?" Let her know the stakes and tell her you'll support her, here's your family plan for the kids, she should add to it.

Busariabeyx24

Alrighty! Let's fix your marriage!!

Step 1: you've identified the issues. That's great news.

Step 2: you've told me your own issues. So now I know precisely what's wrong with you.

Wait, what...you're probably wondering when you did Step 2. Huh?

Well, you did Step 2 with Step 1.

You complained about all your wife's issues like you had none. Which is 99% very common.

But what most people don't realise is that in complaining about others, you're actually really telling on yourself. Especially in Marriage.

When my husband wrote a fulscap binder full of all the things I did wrong, I wanted to slap him into the nearest dystopian future. Because everything he wrote, is precisely what I was going to say about him.

Then I read something that said:

Marriage is a mirror to 2 people, you will see all the things you need to work on in your partner's eyes

Shi.t!

But they're right.

If you're not being a great husband, she's not going to be a great wife. Period.

It's even biblical. Husbands, love your wives, Wives obey your husbands. Let 2 become 1, you are joint heirs in the grace of life. Etc several bible verses.

You and your wife are equal. You just have different roles.

And if you're not fulfilling your role, neither will she.

So if you want your marriage to be fixed, you need to fix yourself. Because the only person in this world you can control is you. And your actions and thoughts determine how your wife will be.

She's the weaker vessel. If your car is faulty, you don't throw it away, you pop the bonnet open and fix it. You don't blame it for spoiling because you drove it badly and it got spoilt. You fix it.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

My dear kobojunkie

The only people who sing the song of "Individual Happiness" and "Let Them Call It Quits" are people who have never been married.

Because both are so bad for you, you may as well die.

Over 50% of divorced couples regret it. And I'm speaking from experience, the number is higher. Divorce feels like death. It hurts so much and is so destructive, that halfway through it a lot of men think daily of suicide and women pray to die. But they put on a brave face. I am speaking from experience.

And Marital counselling doesn't work because most times, couples use it to air their greviances to a 3rd party rather than fix things.

Which is why I came up with my method. And it's not my method, it's a trusted method from plenty sources.

Dear busariabeyx24

Now that you've gotten pages and pages chockful of horrendous advice that will leave you lonely and regretful at 65 (trust me on this, go through my posts, I have a lot of elder male relatives in my family and I want my sons to NEVER make their mistakes)....

Can we talk?

You've described really sad marital problems.

Notice I said "sad". Not "bad". Sad.

Why?

Because everything you've typed is absolutely fixable. And in 6 months' time, if you follow exactly what I say, you'll come back and delete this thread.

Shall we start?