₦airaland Forum

Pics to follow soon

Mack RD dump truck in excellent working condition for sale. Truck will be available for inspection by early Jan'13.

Give Away Price: 3.7 million Naira

Serious buyers should call 08034704310.

Until we have national oil producing companies at capacities that will give the IOCs good competition, we have no edge at the negotiation table. Your leaders are busy looting to think of such, I cry for Nigeria

Obijulius:
I blame d military 4 handin power 2 obasanjo. They shld av destroyed dat son of a dog like they did m.k.o. Well ihejerika can take dis as his divine opportunity to rewrite nigeria's history

Ihejirika has his own share of the loot, so ur wish is almost an impossibility. All loopholes for the younger folks in the army has been blocked. Never expect a coup, all the guys that could execute it have been incorporated into the current democratic government.

Can somebody tell me why Omar has refused shutting down of the Oil Facilities - Things are gonna get messy real soon.

No economic policy will thrive at the magnitude of the prevalent corruption in Nigeria. GEJ should either address corruption or manage the status quo till his tenure is over. Extra hardship on the masses will make his tenure ungovernable, this aint rocket science, its common sense.

kramer:
Same here, i only heard the last bit when he was tearing the reporter apart  ,   Can someone please summarize?

The summary of Boyo's position is:
Boyo has maintained that the foreign exchange role of the CBN should be de-monoploized which i consider very valid.
We sell our crude in US dollar, why should the CBN single handedly provide equivalent naira to the various ministries and states even for dollar expenditures. Because the states and ministries will go back to the open market to source the dollar equivalents at prices artificially manipulated by the CBN. If CBN provides allocations in equivalent dollars as needed, this will drive up the value of the naira as there will be less demand pressure on the US dollars.

As such the price of PMS in equivalent naira will drop as well as the imported products are purchased in dollars. At an improved naira rate, subsidy rate will be greatly minimised or even disappear depending on the strenght of the naira.

In a more simpler terms, a lot of factors influence our foreign exchange rates, overr and above the place of our economy, the demand of a particular currency drive up the exchange rate. CBN creates artificial scarcity by providing funds/ allocations to various parastatals and states in naira rather than in dollars which is the actual currency on which our revenue is derived. If we eliminate this artificial scarcity by providing funds in dollars, we can get our exchange rate down to 1$ = 110 naira (my assumption). As such, the market price of PMS which is currently at $0.875 = 140 naira will only be $0.875= 96 naira. At that price, govt will only be subsidizing 31naira per litre (96-65 naira) instead of the current 75naira per litre subsidy

Senator Tokunbo has made valid points

his points are
1) Revert to 65naira first
2) De-monoplize the funstions of NNPC immediately (NNPC cant be the operator and regulator at the same time)
3) Make public the KPMG NNPC audit report and start prosecuting the indicted cabal
4) Cut the cost of governance by a significant rate
5) Invest seriously on basic amenities with the savings made from curbing corruption in the oil and gas sector
6) With these things in place, there can be systematic withdrawal of the subsidy
7) All over the world, succesful democracies run one form of democracy or the other , Nigeria can gradually move d subsidy from fuel to other forms

The economist has maintained that the foreign exchange role of the CBN should be de-monoploized which i consider very valid.
We sell our crude in US dollar, why should the CBN single handedly provide equivalent naira to the various ministries and states even for dollar expenditures. Because the states and ministries will go back to the open market to source the dollar equivalents at prices artificially manipulated by the CBN. If CBN provides allocations in equivalent dollars as needed, this will drive up the value of the naira as there will be less demand pressure on the US dollars.

As such the price of PMS in equivalent naira will drop as well as the imported products are purchased in dollars. At an improved naira rate, subsidy rate will be greatly minimised or even disappear depending on the strenght of the naira.

The Future by TY Bello comes to mind at times like this. To every sincere soul yearning for the liberation of Nigeria from the cabal holding us down, You can be sure there is no stopping us. Things cant be same after these events. Find the lyrics below and be inspired

We are the future
We are the dream
We are the nation
We are part of this

Yes we are so amazing
That’s the least we shall be
At the heart of the nation changing history

BRIDGE
How can they say that we are finished
while we have just begun
When we have no where else to run to
We have no where else to go

So get out of the way
Out of the way Of the land of our dreams
We are the nation we are part of this
We are the nation we are part of this

CHORUS
Ooooh, Carry the song
Carry the sound
The future is here
The future is here
Goodbye yesterday
Tomorrow is now for the taking
The future is here
The future is here

VERSE 2
I am the future
I am the dream
I am the nation
I am part of this

Yes I am so amazing
That’s the least l shall be
At the heart of the nation changing history

BRIDGE/CHORUS
The future
The future has
The future has come

Quote from: PHIPEX on Today at 04:57:44 PM
@ alj harem
You have a nice post up there and what I can make out of it is that we are all frustrated by these cabal but is it not better we state our issues clearly from the outset rather than hiding under subsidy removal to vilify people who are also fighting tooth and nail to better our lot?  There is no argueing the fact that the govt could hv handled the situation better but to paralise economic activities and ask for a reversal of a policy that previous administrations had dreaded to implement is wrong. Now that the protest has started, Let NLC marshal out its grievances clearly and it must include the cutting down of the excesses in allowances of our legislative arm. It will take an Angel to convince me that Ngozi, Sanusi and Jonathan are removing this subsidy in other to steal it. These are not ordinary politicians, if we cricify them now cos they are implementing an umpopilar policy is it Bakare and his group that are just fighting for their interests that we will accept?

THE GOVT SHOULD FIGHT THE CORRUPTION IN THE SYSTEM IN ADDITION TO SUBSIDY REMOVAL.

@Phipex,
I will try to paint a better picture of events and will be asking some fundamental questions in-between

No doubt, PMS subsidy would be removed sooner or later but the driver to this current move is IMF/ World Bank. With the leadership of Okonjo Iweala in the finance sector whose allegiance lies with the World Bank, she had to execute to the letter. UNFORTUNATELY GEJ is almost clueless on this matter and had to totally align to Madam Nigeria.

1)The decision to role out this hardship on Jan 1 was because of the visit of the world bank president, otherwise would have been Apr 1
2)Why did the subsidy amount increase from NGN400billion to NGN1.3 trillion under GEJ's administration when there was no significant increase in the subsidy rates and nationally consumed quantities?, because the 1.3 trillion was an inflated figure aimed at making a case that subsidy was unsustainable, even with the fraud in the downstream oil and gas sector, our annual subsidy should not exceed NGN450billion
3) From GEJ's submitted budget, Fuel subsidy was excluded; why was the savings to be re-invested also excluded? , because govt was not looking at re-investing any savings at budget preparation, its only a reaction to the resistance that met the policy , leading to my fourth point
4) If we borrowed to pay for subsidy in previous years which is no more sustainable, where will GEJ and his team get the 1.13trillion to be re-invested into the economy? , does he intend to borrow again for that? , for the records, this amount is currently not in the 2012 budget
5) Assuming the FG has excellent plans to re-invest its own portion of the savings (>400billion) which I consider absolute fraud, GEJ and his team has allocated >500billion for the state and Local governments (with their extremely corrupt structures)without penalties for non-implementation
6) If Nigeria is truly broke, why is GEJ so slow in trimming the cost of governance but quick to remove subsidy?
7) If the cabal is problem, why can't he prosecute them head-on as the commander in chief? Nope he can't cos he is one of them

To be sincere, this is all fraud either directly or indirectly. Until GEJ and his team stands up to fight corruption in all sectors, establish process and penalties, prosecute offenders and live by example, everything will remain a mirage. Every initiative and policy will be hijacked by a new cabal to their interest and he would also shy away from it as they are untouchables.

GEJ should treat the sickness and not the symptoms.
Fix the power sector before taking out the subsidy, in the mean time trim the cost of governance, propose cuts in the rates for the legislature, address corruption across board starting from his office

‎​GEJ and Sambo's annual feeding allowance alone ($6M) is greater Obama's total salary for two full tenures of 8yrs ($3.2M) at $400,000 per year.
If Nigeria is broke, trim d cost of governance, tackle corruption in d system, retain fuel subsidy until there is constant power in d least and save this same dying masses that risked their beings to save your vote. The voice of the people is the voice of God.

The KPMG says the NNPC is a house of corruption

s far as the 41-page report is concerned, the NNPC is a cesspool of monumental corruption and fraud

On Thursday December 1, the Minister of Finance, Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, cringed when the senate joint committee investigating the management of funds set aside for petroleum subsidy handed her a seven-day ultimatum to produce a secret forensic report on the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation in her custody.

The audit, done for her ministry by renowned audit and advisory consultancy, KPMG, which exposed the massive financial malfeasance and monumental corruption in the NNPC, is one document the federal government, the petroleum ministry and the NNPC have worked hard to conceal for a little over a year now.

The report, which could trigger a fierce face-off between the federal and state governments, is one of the most closely guarded secrets in Nigeria today.  It contains shocking details of how the NNPC, and by implication, the federal government has been swindling the states.

So when the committee requested Mrs. Okonjo-Iweala to produce it, she became a bit uneasy, knowing that doing so might embarrass the administration and sparked some troubles for the NNPC, a source close to her told the Times. Initially the minister didn’t make any commitment, but when pressed by committee members, she reluctantly acceded to the request.

It is not known at press time whether she has sent the document to the committee. Contacted yesterday, her spokesperson, Paul Nwabuikwu, said he had no information on the matter.  Calls to the chairman of the senate joint committee, Magnus Abe (PDP, Rivers), were unanswered. But as at noon today, long after the ultimatum given to Mrs. Okonjo-iweala expired, a source close to the committee said the minister was yet to make the report available. He said there was high-powered lobby by the NNPC not to make the document public.

The damning report

But the Times has scooped the report for you in case the minister fails to produce it or does so to the committee in camera.

As far as the 41-page report is concerned, the NNPC is a cesspool of monumental corruption and fraud. The report detailed the corporation’s sharp business practices, violation of laid down rules and regulations, illegal deductions of funds belonging to the state, and failure to account for several billions of naira that should go to the federation account.

The agency, the report says, has also severely defrauded our country in subsidy claims. Auditors found that between 2007 and 2009 alone, the NNPC over-deducted funds in subsidy claims to the tune of N28.5bn. It has not been able to account for the sum ever since.

The over-deduction from its remittance to the federation account for 2010 and 2011, believed to be in several billions of naira, is not captured in the report.    

The Federal Government, through the Federal Ministry of Finance, hired KPMG and another Nigerian auditing firm, S.S. Afemikhe & Co., in July 2010, to look into the books of the corporation following allegations of “wrongful deductions at source by the NNPC to fund its operations” by the 36 state governors.

There were also concerns at the time that “the procedures for managing and reporting the country’s crude oil and gas revenues are opaque and characterized by gaps, overlaps and inconsistencies in the role of key parties responsible for the assessment, collection and reporting on these revenue streams.”

Officials of the petroleum ministry and the NNPC, a source at the finance ministry disclosed, developed cold feet after the auditors were sent in, and indeed tried hard to frustrate the representatives of the two audit firms by failing to supply evaluation criteria for commercial bids submitted in respect of petroleum products importation.

Believing that would turn the auditors away, our source further explained, the corporation also failed to provide them with other relevant documents such as the criteria for allocation of products and product volumes to importers/suppliers and periodic prequalification lists of approved products importers/suppliers.

But in spite of the difficulty they faced, the auditors were able to determine that the NNPC had been anything but transparent in the management of our country’s oil resources.

The report that emerged from the audit was just too damning that the leadership of the petroleum ministry, the NNPC and some few other elements in the Federal Government have worked hard to keep it away from the 36 state governors and federal lawmakers in particular and Nigerians in general.

Stealing the states blind

In what is likely to anger state governors, the audit established that the corporation was in the habit of arbitrarily estimating subsidy claims and then over-deducting funds from proceeds of domestic crude sales.

“For example,” the report said, N25bn was deducted as subsidy estimate for September 2009 from domestic crude sales proceeds while PPPRA approved a subsidy of N23.8bn. N35bn was also deducted as subsidy estimate from November 2009 but PPPRA approved of N21.3bn.”

 The auditors’ analysis indicates “over-deduction for these two months amounted to N14.9bn. However, only N4.2.bn was swept into the Federation Account by the NNPC as adjustment for subsidy claimable in the two months.” That is beside the N11.8bn subsidy claim the NNPC claimed it paid for imported products that didn’t reach consumers.

 State governors have always complained that the NNPC was shortchanging them through illegal deductions from revenues payable to the federation account.

 Fraudulent underhand tactics

Over-deduction is however not the only way the corporation is defrauding the federal and state governments. According to laid down regulations, the NNPC is invoiced in dollars for domestic crude allocations but is expected to remit the equivalent naira value to the Federation Account. But auditors found to their chagrin that in doing that, the corporation used exchange rates far lower than those published by the Central Bank of Nigeria.

Using this “fraudulent underhand tactics”, the NNPC succeeded in cheating the three levels of government of a whooping N85.2bn in three years – N25.7bn in 2007, N33.8bn in 2008 and N26.7bn in 2009.

When the auditors requested explanations for these exchange rate disparities, the NNPC claimed it obtained the exchange rates it used from the CBN via telephone.

The report also severely indicted the NNPC over the shoddy and non-transparent manner it renews crude sale contracts every year. The auditors noted that “evaluation criteria for renewal of contracts are not clearly stated in the contract document”, and that the selection exercises were based on individual discretion and wrong assumptions and criteria.”

The NNPC claimed that renewal of contract was based on performance of off-takers (buyers). But the auditors observed that the basis and process for determining performance were not clearly defined.

The auditors wondered why in 2007 and 2008, some companies not on the approved list of buyers for that year were allocated crude, a practice the examiners believe led to crude being sold to non-credible buyers, even with relevant guarantees and safeguards not implemented.

Specifically the auditors queried the allocation of crude to Ovlas Trading (2, 852,316 barrels in 2007 and 906, 269 barrels in 2008) Petrojam (2,818,914 in 2007), Oil Fields (950,166 barrels in 2007) and Zenon (906,000 barrels in 2008) even when they were not on the list of authorized buyers for that year.

Contracts for the importation of products, the auditors wrote, were also routinely awarded without regard for approved guidelines and procedures. “We observed that contracts for the importation of petroleum products were awarded to companies and suppliers not listed in the approved prequalification list used for the fourth quarter 2008 importation,” the report noted.

The auditors specifically queried the award of contracts in that manner to Astana Oil Corporation Limited, Natural Energy and Oando, when they were not prequalified for patronage that year.

Among other forms of misdemeanour, ranging from poor accounting to shoddy record keeping, the auditors also indicted the corporation for leaving its own storage facilities, unused, and then proceeding to incur additional cost from leasing of third party storage facilities.

The auditors reported that DPK tanks (with storage capacity of 18,000 cubic metres) at the PPMC depots within the Mosimi Area had not been used for three years even though there were in good condition. Yet the corporation, the examiners added, had been leasing storage facilities from third parties.

The spokesperson of the NNPC, Levi Ajuonuma, declined to comment on the report, saying he had nothing to say until the government releases it officially

Its so tough in the streets now, Ppl are already dying of starvation as we speak, GEJ and NOI has no clue wat d the true effects of dis infamous policy are. No matter how it goes, Nigeria will become ungovernable if the removal stays, Get into d hood an feel d pulse, its an impossible situation

Guys,

I went my usual monthly shopping today and reality dawned on me. Everything starting from pepper to onions to meat has escalated by at least 50%. I could only get 26 litres of PMS for my generator as PHCN have forgetten my area since Dec 17, 2011. Normally I shop comfortably with 30k and get abt 90 litres of PMS afterwards; I left with 50k today and still had to almost cut my list in half only to afford 26 litres of PMS.

I came back and have been in deep thought since , this sudsidy removal cannot hold. This is beyond asking Nigerians to make sacrifices, this sacrifice is impossible even if Nigerians agree to make it.

The amount i shopped with exceeds the monthly salary of a lot of folks, how will dey manage to survive? Things are gonna get real messy if GEJ insists cos the reality will inspire reactions that will shock everyone

Its obvious to the deaf and blind that the West (EU, UN etc) are bent on redeeming drowning Europe at the expense of Africa. Dumb GEJ would never see that.
Mr Sachs was quick to pointing out economic growth indices without relating any of these to our perennial corruption problem confirms the hypocrisy and deceit behind these irrelevant commendations.

They will be the first to label him as evil and kick his ass when the chips are down.

Beaf, Dalover, LeoMax , No matter how much u try, u can never silence the voice of reason. The wind of change is gathering momentum will consume both you and the sponsors of ur propaganda. If u think u r being successful with ur cheap propaganda, just provide a name and contact of yours and I'll comfortably number ur days. Don't underestimate the force of a people under distress.
Even if your propaganda is sellable, d actual masses who don't have access to these forum and are uneducated are already stretched. With the help of GEJ, we exceeded d limit on new years day, expect a reaction

The reasonable thing for GEJ to have done is to eliminate the inefficiencies around PMS Import and subsidy, That alone will save 1 trillion annually which can be re-invested into d power sector. He can take away the subsidy once we have constant power. If only I fuel my car without generating power for domestic and commercial purpose, I won't complain. I think this is the major stand for most Nigerians. GEJ's foolhardy attitude won't help on this, even if d protest fails and doesn't yield d required result , Be assured that this country will disintegrate or become ungovernable under his watch. The frustration cannot be contained over time, u can only ignore d people for a while bt not forever ,

NTA needs to go down. Am literally crying after watching network news few mins back. The headlines are 'Nigerian youths accept the subsidy removal' and 'business is returning to usual after the yuletide'. No news on the demonstrations across board. NTA and GEJ goes down guys, So Anti-people

the venality and decay, the putrefaction and pillaging, the dehumanizing and zombification, the derobing and public gang raping of this promised but debauched land called nigeria. overseen by this hapless, clueless, utterly corrupt, inept, ill educated 'phd' holder, pathological liar masquerading as a head of state, with his wife as his deputy, along with his cohorts engaged in wanton pilferage and plundering of nigeria and poor nigerian masses, cannot be allowed to go on for much longer. if it does, there will be no country left save. arise nigerians, and take your country in your hands, your destiny is in your hands. the fat yellow bellied criminals masquerading as lawmakers and leaders, are instruments of the devil bent on your destruction

Which subsidy are we talking abt? As long as 2012 budget is concerned there is no subsidy re-investment budget.
GEJ is a big fool. He should return the PMS subsidy and make sure that the capital projects budget provisions should be made available to this team to deliver on 90% refinery functionality and constant power in 18months, Afterwards, take d damn subsidy.
I repeat , GEJ's mindset belong to d gutters and he's going down; an average nigerian is smarter than this

@Beaf and Hdrenic, may your souls forever rot in hell. May all the curses rained on Jonathan so far be your portion and that of your descendants. Evil Opportunists

We need to bite where it hurts, d oil and gas revenue needs to stop coming in. Let's grind dis govt to a halt, we have just one source of revenue, blow up these oil facilities and get this govt to her knees. Thatz why we need out Rivers, Delta and AkwaIbom brodas to be more strategic. Blackberry services are gonna be off from tomorrow bt the message need to be clear. THIS GOVT IS GOING DOWN.

The guys whose fustration will make this country ungovernable don't have access to the internet and as such are not on this forum. We can rant and talk all we want bt reality will be staring us in the face shortly. Dis new development is nt sustainable for over 75% of Nigerian , only less than 10% of nigerians are ignorant of such forum , Ur tips and opinions are so unpopular , Time shall tell bt Nigerians shud be ready

65 Naira or nothing else. This uprising must be strategic, we need to get this government to a halt. Its time to bring our crude and gas export to zero. Targets will be the all crude and gas trunklines, Qua Iboe Terminal, Bonny NGL export terminal, SHELL, Total and NAOC nearshore and offshore terminal around PH, Omoku and environs. Personnel on these facilities should please vacate soon , Interest is to blow up d facilities without any life loss. Let's ground it all and start afresh, Its gonna get messy guys , Abuja is of no interest , we are smart enough to know where the live wires are. Plans are underway , U can aid if u are close to dese facilities, easy explosives and dynamites
come in handy.

DaffyDoc's post is so on point. Describes the current situation explicitly. We know the divide btw North and South but this Boko Haram strategic schemes are far beyond the normal divides. The external forces are playing major roles aimed at destabilizing the nation Nigeria. Any war break-out today will be Nigeria's loss and a profit to the external masterminds.
Nigerians, find time to read DaffyDoc's post.

Until Corruption is dealt with from the top, the troubles of Nigeria will remain but can only be transformed from one form to the other , Rati Ken
90% of Nigerian populace do not understand these dynamics being discussed whether they will work or ever implemented, the first reaction from the subsidy removal might be all required to put this country in a state of choas. Things are gonna get messy in 2012, brace up guys, enough of the stories, Its still PDP we are talking abt here, Never trust

I didn't feel any pulse for the masses from the govt reps, a lot of stories covering the real motives. Points i got from this debate are

1) No doubt, subsidy needs to be removed but under certain concrete conditions,
2) The govt categorically told nigerians today that corruption cannot be brought under control, as such the cabals are in charge of the economy. In that case subsidy removal is not the solution, cos every sincere initiative and policy will be hijacked by d same cabal.
3) If a federal govt agrees that it cannot build or run a refinery due to powers that be, then such govt has failed already. The only cabals that exist are the ones only allowed by the govt in power.

My conclusions are that govt is keen on removing subsidy and will do same in 2012; Things will get really messy not because Nigerians will revolt directly but there will be indirect reactions from various quarters that might get things out of control. Its gonna be dirty guys, yes it will cos nobody wants to die of hunger and starvation.

Less than 20% of the nigerian populace understands the dynamics being discussed but the impact will hit everyone. Don't be in a haste to predict reactions as people are already distressed with the currently subsidized PMS. There is a lot of poverty in the land already.

Akainzo, Akanbi edu, Otokx, Coogar, Its either its same person with multiple identity or you were handsomely paid to take these positions. I baffle at your desperate attempts to negate common sense. My questions are simple
1) Is this the only road constructed under the Fashola administration? If no, why single this one out for tolling? (To the best of my knowledge, the road from Orile through festac is a four lane toll-free road and is much more expensive than the uncompleted road in question)
2) If your arguements holds, then governor Chime of Enugu and governor akpabio of akwaibom states should have a minimum of 15 toll gates on the state roads, why is this one different?
If this tolling ever succeeds, then Nigerians are in for a big rip-off , cos many more are going to spring up in few months across the country.
To think that this is coming up in a country where nothing works, absolutely nothing. Ranging from electricity to security, from education to infrastructure, from health to transport; corruption is our watch word. Pls someone should remind me of one thing that works in this country. Now you've constructed a substandard road (still under construction) with the people's taxes and FG allocation in the name of concession on their behalf to your own company and enslave them for 30 years as suggested by your greedy minds.

Now mark my words, your comments shows how distant you are from the Nigerian (lagos) masses. A lot of people have said Nigerians dont have the nerve to sustain a protest and all that, pls be sure that the frustration is seriously building up. People are realising that their options are becoming very limited, nobody believed a Boko Haram that has given us sleepless nights can ever crop up, now its here to stay. Boko Haram alone is responsible for >900billion naira 2012 budget allocation. With acts like these expect more, violence pays more these days.

WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN, EVERYONE INCLUDING THE MASTERMINDS SHALL KNOW THAT THEY ARE NO GODS. Never underestimate anyone, much more a people under distress. The Timing is soon, really soon

One major reason for disrespect for most Nigerian ladies is their lost/ poor values and misplaced priorities. If you don't respect yourself, don't expect me to. When the attraction of most is materialistic and i can afford it, what other values can they add to me and why should i respect same?. They fall head over heels with you based on what you can afford, you can smell their interests from a distance. Even when you try to explore their true attributes, you get so disappointed at their almost zero life values even at their flamboyant looks.
Then you run into several in a row and  the stories are same, you unconsciously develop that disrespect for them.

That being said, this is no stereotype, there are some good Nigerian ladies out there but few. Met a few that i respect.

Gates Of Heaven

An Architect an Engineer and a Council Worker were in a bus accident, died and went to heaven.
St Peter said, "Sorry chaps we're full up only room for one more. I'll let you decided which one".
The Architect said, "How about you ask us a question and the one with the best answer gets in"?
"O.K.", said St Peter, "When god created breasts he was an artist. In what vane did God create the vagina"?
The Architect sprang up and immediately answered, "When creating the vagina God was an architect. He obviously designed it well and, utilising the best materials, ensured it would function for the duration of its useful lifetime".
"Good answer", says St. Peter.
At that point the Engineer jumps up and said, "No NO NO! God was most certainly an engineer. He placed it in exactly the right location and angle, it's self lubricating and does its job efficiently".
"Very Good answer", exclaimed St. Peter. At which point the Council Worker stood and says, "I'm sorry you're both wrong. God's a Local Council".
"We don't get it", they all remarked.
"Who else would stick a beauty spot next to shit hole"?
"Come in", says St. Peter.

Management Course

Lesson #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, I'll give you $800 to drop that towel. After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.



When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, Who was that?


It was Bob the next door neighbor, she replies.



Great, the husband says, did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

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Lesson #2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.



The nun said, Father, remember Psalm 129?



The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.



The nun once again said, Father, remember Psalm 129?



The priest apologized, Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.



Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.


On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

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Lesson #3:

A sales representative, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.



The Genie says, I'll give each of you just one wish.


Me first! Me first! says the administration clerk. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Puff! She's gone.

Me next! Me next! says the sales representative. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. Puff! He's gone.



OK, you're up, the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, I want those two back in the office after lunch.

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

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Lesson #4:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy.


Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.



The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.


The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

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Lesson #5:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.



A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!



THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Uti is a young smart man. Immediately he sang the national anthem, I realised he know where his strenght lied.'The power of naija'.