₦airaland Forum

Therock5555:
~~~THIRTY~~~
I was laying on my bed one evening surfing the Internet when Collins entered my room and sat next to me.

"Wetin dey happen? Please don't tell me you're still hungry again." I teased him.


"Baba I no fit chop sef, my problems pass food." He replied, sadness clouding his voice.

I quickly sat up. This matter serious o, sotey Collins reject food. I need to hear this matter with all seriousness.


"So what's happening?"

"Guy, my babe get belly."


"Whaaaaaaat? Which of them?" I was grinning broadly.


"Guy stop joking, how many girls I get? Na Becky I dey talk about johr." He spat out.


My smile didn't erase, I knew he was talking about Becky but I wanted to pull his legs small.

"Congratulations ooo. So how did it happen?" I teased.


"See guy, I no dey joke. This matter serious o, her parents know already."


"Ehhhhhhh!" That last line sent alarm bells ringing, Parents know already? How? Why? What happened?


"Wait o, dude start from the beginning, cause right now I just confuse. How belly reach stage wey parents know? How come you didn't tell me since?" I screamed.


"Na just this week she tell me, I been tell her say wetin she want, Becky say she wan pack come stay with me, and you know I still get final semester for school, where I wan see money from?"





"Wait, what? She wan come stay with you, and eat what? We wey dey strategize how to chop each day, baba which kind wahala be that?"



"That's not even the worse part, I told her she can't live with me just yet, naso she carry the matter go tell her folks. Them call me yesterday, I went over, her parents begin question me, I told them that I'm responsible but not capable of fathering a child now, naso them say them must see my people first make we reach agreement."




"Jeez, omor this is wahala pro max. So how you wan do am?" I asked.


"Na why I come meet you nah, shebi you know say I no fit allow my uncles know about the matter, and I noticed say your guys get matured faces Wella, them fit pass as my uncles, I tell her parents say I dey bring my people next tomorrow, so abeg you fit help me?"






"Bleep No bruh, when you were fucking anyhow, you no consult me o, na now wey matter cast Nai you know say I exist, why didn't you ask me for advice when she told you she was pregnant?"



I was fuming but the begging increased till I agreed to help him.

"Wait o, shebi you know say this one na job, my guys go need small chilling later o, so how we wan do with expenses now?"


"Leave that one to me, I go give you 3k make una use chill after we settle everything, atleast una go manage na." Collins replied, he was already getting his swagger back.

As he spoke, my mouth was open with shock. Like seriously? This is the same person that asked me for #100 that morning to buy Maggi, where he wan see 3k from? Like he read my mind, he left and returned with 3 crispy 1k notes and laid them next to me.



"Ahhh, so you get this kind money? Dude, you're a bastard." I said as I snatched the money.


As per the evil genius wey I be, I begin compile my first eleven list, 8 of the guys were confirmed hits, one of them na married man sef, he was to be the spokesperson, it took small convincing but almost all of them owe me a favor so they were down for what so ever.




On the D-Day, everybody gathered in Collins place. I noticed one dressing code amongst them, everyone wore native wears, guess what your boy wore?


I wore crazy jeans with a Manchester United Jersey. Hahahaha, naso them chase me Like fowl make I go find native wear.

I came out looking like 70 years old man, like literally.....


We rehearsed the whole plan again. Collins wanted to use kukere method to disbar the belly, all we had to do was to convince her parents that we were committed to the cause and hopes all things work out good.



Naso formation land for Becky house. Becky and her two younger sisters were already waiting outside.

She avoided my eyes as she greeted us, the rest of the guys were strange faces so she didn't suspect foul play, naso she bend down dey greet men them.


Collins would be like, Uncle James this is my babe. The yeye boys go throw am one wicked comment to show disdain for what both of them did. Their acting was almost Oscar worthy. I was trying hard not to laugh cause I knew that seventy percent of them there were high as Bleep...


We finally walked into a laid bare big parlour, two long sofas facing themselves at both ends of the wall was the only furniture in the room what so ever. The walls weren't even plastered inside, neither was the floor, it wasn't cemented, just rough cementing with lots of sand than cement.

The place smelled fouly, like chicken shit, pee, human poo and another foul smell that made my heart sank, we were looking at ourselves in confusion.

I'm not understanding. What's really happening, why were we led into a delapitated room? Abi them wan use us do ritual? Cause I doubt humans beings suppose live for there.

By the way, is it punishment for what Collins did, that we had to be brought there for nose torture, my eyes were already turninoninon.

I'm sure I was not the only one lost in fantasy land, my guys mind would have been running 4-40 right now. I turned to the only person that could answer all my questions.




Now note that all the above things I stated were in my thoughts, I had scanned the whole room in seconds as soon as we walked in, so I turned to Becky who was right behind me, on cue she began speaking, answering all our questions in one sentence.



"Welcome to my parent's house. Please make yourself comfortable, lemme go and call them, they are inside."


I painfully swallowed saliva as she walked away, the joke wasn't on me, it was on Collins. Like seriously? Na from this kind background Nai him go get babe. Babe wey dey dress like say dirty no dey touch her, so na for this kind place she dey comot from. I weak for Collins.


Funny enough, everybody was too shocked to even think of doing anything else, like a spell was cast on us, we matched slowly to one sofa. The sofa had seen zillions of better days, I didn't know if to sit on my hands or just stand, but as I notice everybody dey chop liver siddon and the sofa no collapse, I jejely balance for the arm rest, incase of incasity I fit jump off.




I observe everybody faces, I don't know if their bulging agonising faces was out of pure anger and hatred for Collins and to a lesser amount, myself cause as per agent, I suppose go spy location before I accept job but I guess the joy of finally chopping Collins money was too good to let by.

Or na the smell wey make them choke. They had to contort their faces in the most miserable look ever so that the Intake of fresh air would be constricted, make e dey enter slowly. Like me I was breathing oxygen like four times a minute, then hold my breath or stylishly chuck nose for my armpit dey inhale my perfume, the guy next to me was inhaling my other armpit, e better pass normal air.







This might sound really funny right now. But I swear, it wasn't funny one bit, all of us were coordinating ourselves, we were just waiting for one person to dash outside and the rest would join, but nobody moved an inch. I don't know but for some strange reasons, everyone wanted to see how this would end.

Collins unsurprisingly was the only one enjoying himself, he had swipe out his phone and was playing Zuma and grinning.



Ehhhhhhh!!!


Like his nose has double filter abi wetin dey happen. As I was still processing information, two small chicks ran in from the back door, boldly walked in between our legs, searching for food, we just sat transfixed, one of the chick shit for center of the room before they went outside to continue their hustle for food.


We were looking at ourselves like, is this for real. I was almost thinking of getting up and leading the charge out when I heard movement from the other room, we all stared at the door for seconds that seemed like hours before four people emerged.


Becky, her younger sister, her Mum and Dad.


My jaw dropped. I had to look at others to be sure I wasn't over reacting, others had their mouth wide open, we forgot all the smell, whether fly enter my mouth that moment, I no for close am.

I turn to look at Collins, he was the only person that was unperturbed. He was sliding his phone back into his breast pocket and standing up.......








My heart sank.... This is not what I came for.... No..... Fucking No.....