₦airaland Forum

See dem mouth lyk 5 yrs experience...mschew!

Hello. I just drafted this 'insane' short film script and would love to be constructively criticised.
It's just a 6-page script, so don't be bothered about it taaking too much of your time. It's entitled 'paranoia'.

Please, find the attached document and see it below:


[size=15pt]PARANOIA[/size]



LOGLINE

A young man becomes deranged after losing his job. He starts seeing his new neighbour as his greatest enemy as a result of self-deception. On getting to know his‘neighbour’s wife’, he discovers real paranoia.


CHARACTERS

Thompson- A plain man in his early 30s, with moustache and a sparkle in his eyes

Funmi- A pretty lady in her late 20s, with a slightly unkempt hairdo and a quirky smile

Mrs Eze- A woman in her early 40s, well-dressed in a corporate sense

(Thompson’s) image- Same as Thompson




SCENE 1

(Thompson, wearing a short and t-shirt, is in deep thoughts on his mattress. He rolls from one side of the bed to another with tears rolling down his eyes. He flashes back:

MRS.EZE: So, where do you see yourself in the next…say five years?

THOMPSON: I can’t really say. Five years is not that long. My personal target is to have achieved some things by age 30.

MRS. EZE: May I know those things?

THOMPSON: Well, I see myself…you know…having a beautiful wife with two lovely kids, a house that’s mine, doing a lucrative job I love and…and…that’s it.

MRS. EZE: That’s it?

THOMPSON: yes, that’s it.
(He stands up weakly from the bed, staring at his image in the mirror. He then picks a paper and pen and writes down some things. He stares at the mirror again.)

THOMPSON: All my dreams are just…dreams that they are. They are not real…

IMAGE: Who told you so? Thompson! When did you become this faint-hearted? The fact that you are a little above thirty doesn’t mean you can’t achieve all your dreams. It’s never too late. Don’t give up.

THOMPSON: (sobs) I sincerely think it is too late.

IMAGE: It isn’t! Stop that! You can start achieving your dreams…starting from now.

THOMPSON: How is that possible? I just got laid off from work last…

IMAGE: (interrupts) so? Remember the pretty lady you saw during yesterday’s morning exercise…

(Thompson is seen jogging and suddenly stops. He fixes his gaze at a woman who is on her way to work and then smiles to himself.)

IMAGE: What stops her from being your wife? The mistake people make in life is to be rigid about everything. Don’t! You don’t have to start with a well-paid job before you start doing other things that matter. Go for it! Go for it!

THOMPSON: Okay…okay, I will go for it. (His image smiles)




SCENE 2


(Thompson, wearing a trouser and a jersey, is seen jogging and stops in front of a house. A woman comes out of the house, holding her handbag and busy with her cell phone. He clears his throat and quickly walks up to her)

THOMPSON: Em…hello. Good morning.

FUNMI: Morning. (There is a brief and awkward silence.)

THOMPSON: I’m Thompson. Nice meeting you. (They shake hands.)

FUNMI: I’m Funmi. Oh...are you the new neighbour that just moved into our street?

THOMPSON: Exactly.

FUNMI: You are welcome.

THOMPSON: Thanks. You really look beautiful. I mean you are every man’s…

FUNMI: Em…thank you. I’m already late to work…

THOMPSON:I guess you are single, right?

FUNMI: I beg your pardon. That sounds rude for someone you are just meeting for the first time.

THOMPSON: Nothing new under the sun. That’s why people say love at first sight.

FUNMI: I’m sorry but I am happily married with two lovely kids. (She shows him her ring finger.) I would like you to respect that.

THOMPSON: (Shocked) Two…two lovely kids? That’s…that’s…and this is your husband’s house?

FUNMI: (scoffs) You sound scary. I would love you to excuse me. (Looks at her wristwatch and leaves for work)




SCENE 3

(Thompson, in his short and t-shirt, washes his face into a bowl and sits in front of his mirror, staring at his image.)

THOMPSON: I can’t believe she is married…

IMAGE: Thompson! I hope you see what I’m seeing. That is your dream!

THOMPSON: I don’t understand.

IMAGE: Don’t sound dumb. All you’ve ever wanted is what her husband has! You name it- a beautiful wife, two lovely kids, a house of your own and…he probably has a nice job for him to have that house. And you know what; he should be in your age range. Your next door neighbour is living out your dream!

THOMPSON: So…so what can I do? What should I do?

IMAGE: You don’t deserve your present state, Thompson. Have you asked too much from life? Many want to become the President, the governor, the CEO of a bank, a world-class surgeon and so on; but all you asked for is a comfortable life. But life was unfair to you; it made you very plain, not that intelligent and presently jobless. It made your friends run away from you thinking you are crazy. Your dream life is just a stone throw from you. What matters is if you are brave enough to get it.

THOMPSON: (Taps the table) I am brave enough. What can I do?

IMAGE: That man is basically sleeping with your wife, fathering your children and staying in your house! You need to get him out of there…you need to take him out…

THOMPSON: how do I take him out?

IMAGE: Are you asking me?




SCENE 4

(It’s 5.30 pm. There is a knock at the door. Funmi, now wearing an evening gown, opens it and finds Thompson by the door. He quickly hides the sharp knife in his hand in a small bag)

THOMPSON: Good evening. I am here to apologise for…for yesterday’s episode. I guess we didn’t meet on a good note.

FUNMI: (smiles) No problem. Apology accepted.

THOMPSON: is your husband home? I would like to say hello to him.

FUNMI: He is not yet back from work but you can wait for him.

THOMPSON: That’s a good idea.
(Thompson is seated in the well-furnished living room, sipping a drink.)

THOMPSON: What of the children?

FUNMI: they are back from school. They should be in their room busy with their assignments.

THOMPSON: Nice. A boy and a girl?

FUNMI: Exactly.

THOMPSON: Oh…well.

FUNMI: Yeah I know…lucky me. Or…would you like to meet them?

THOMPSON: of course. (She goes inside and comes back with two dolls! She places them gently on the sofa.)

FUNMI: Here they are. That’s Tade; he is in primary four by now. The girl is Titi; she is about to leave primary school. So…

THOMPSON: (shocked) What the…? I asked for your…your children…not…not

FUNMI: Well, I’m happy you’ve met them. My husband always comes around six. I hope you can wait till then.

THOMPSON: (confused) I…I will try.

FUNMI: By the way, you scared me yesterday when you walked up to me. You kind of sounded crazy…but you know…I just had to maintain my cool.

THOMPSON: Oh really?

FUNMI: Yes. Welcome to AyedaadeStreet. You see, people here are strange. They just kind of avoid me and my family as if something is wrong with us but who cares? It’s not like I beg people to make a living. (Checks her wristwatch) Oh…it’s almost time. My darling should be around by now.

THOMPSON: Doesn’t he have a car because I can’t hear any sound of…?

FUNMI: (interrupts) Don’t worry; I always know when he is around. Tade and Titi, daddy is back. (She goes to open the door, and a dog runs inside barking. She closes the door gently and sits down.)

THOMPSON: Don’t tell me…

FUNMI: (cuts in) I think he is very tired and hungry now. I have to get him his food. You may have to come back tomorrow. I’m very sorry.

THOMPSON: Em…I see. (Swallows saliva and stands up, with his leg shaking) Thanks for the…the hospitality…and introduction to your family.

FUNMI: (smiling) it’s my pleasure. I am very happy to finally have a friend on this street. I think we are like minds.

THOMPSON: Oh…indeed. (He walks briskly out of the house.)

FUNMI: We would be expecting you some other time. Bye! The children are also greeting you…

THOMPSON:Yeah…bye. (Starts walking towards his house quickly; talks silently) oh my God! Am I dreaming? That’s one hell of a classic mad woman!



*LIGHT OUT*



‘I complained I had no shoes, not until I saw someone without legs’.

Ok.

VillageBoi: The babe wasn't joking... she was seriously selling her market lol.

Village boi, hw far?
I just wrote a script for a short film. Would like to send it to you for review and I don't mind you making use of it if it's gud enof. Are you interested?

onwudegu: Alrite......but dont u tink d expenses wil b 2much travellin 2 lagos nd also cumin back,cos were i am d distance is much......Sori 4 askin all dis o,i jst want 2 kw

From the info I got, they would sponsor the trip of the selected ones to Lagos. OP, pls confirm this.

And your company has no name? Or is the name 'leading company'?

[quote author=Mynd_44]I don't get the joke[/quote]The joke is that she was very serious in the way she was presenting her case, labelling her friend as 'wrong' and fitting herself by force into the 'right girl' position...
That's the joke.

From your list OP, I would definitely choose HALLE BERRY.


But for me, it is KATE WINSLET.

Why is Rita appearing SLUTTY in her pics of nowadays?
Is she that desperate for a husband?

Wetin be dis? Dog wey look like sheep...wey I'm body look like forest...abegi, get me a rotweiler or boaboo.

Funke! Don't disappoint me again! Kai! We know Jenifa was successful but that doesn't mean you should be in every meaningless trash of nollywood, starting from Blackberry babes to this.

Please, you are very talented; find movie scripts that make sense.

By the way, I don't care about the rest of the cast...


That's all...

lafflaff123: No habits by anybody annoys me in the plane and as my friend told me BUY FIRST CLASS if you can't stand the things you see in the economy class and until then,i will continue taking in the good,the bad and the ugly of the economy class.

And at POSTER i don't know how often you travel,but if you travel a lot like me then you should have out grown looking out for faults or habits in other's as people can not be like you,act like you or be like you want them to be.

Just want to add an experience i had sometime last year and it was sad.

As a veteran of ECONOMY CLASS i was coming from Nigeria via Delta to the US and on getting to my sit there was a young girl(later discovered she is yoruba)on my space,looked at the boarding pass and number to be sure and told her excuse me please that's my sit.

I always take a sit by the aisle because i am tall and so can stretch my legs,she had the middle sit and on the third sit there was a very old man and i said hi to him then sat down.

Just siiting down and noticed this girl was restless and kept closing her nose with her hands and chatting fervently on her blackberry,raised her head up and asked me if we can change sits and i told her no. She started looking around urgently for an air hostess,spotted one and asked her if they can move her and they told her the plane was full and all this happening while the plane had not even taxied yet.

So i am wondering what's up with this girl as her restlessness was starting to bother me,especially as she had that first timer traveller look(over dressed to impress or give the impression they are well to do to the immigration at the port of entry)and after a few minutes she stood up to use the rest room and left her BB by my arm rest but i did not notice it.

Later looked at what was poking me and it was her phone glowing with her BB Chat open. Did not mean to read but the first message there caught my attention and this girl had been busy bashing the old man and texting,chatting and telling everybody via her phone that they put a smelly old man close to her.

I did not smell anything so wondering what the girl was smelling. But above all as an African i have respect for old people and even in my private thoughts i dont disrespect them let alone what the girl was doing by holding up her nose and blatantly insulting the old man by letting the old man know she does not want to be close to him.

We all eventually become old and i hope when she gets old people will run away from her.

She tried to make small banters with me but i ignored her and later when we were filling up our landing card,this stupid girl brought out her passport to fill and it was a fresh Nigerian passport and her first Visa was the US one and the old man she was calling a smelly old man brought out his US Passport.

So i am thinking this stupid girl has this attitude and have never even left Nigeria before and how will she behave when she starts living outside Nigeria.

This might sound mean but i prayed she ran into problems at the port of entry with the immigration people,but since she followed the line at the immigration point for visa holders i did not know how it ended.

Why did i get angry and still angry?my parents are very old and travel at least once a year to visit me for medicals and stuff and just the thought that one supid girl will call my parents SMELLY OLD PEOPLE just because they are OLD makes me get mad. That man did not stink and his only offence was being OLD.

Oga, what is your point? You must really be good in scriptwriting 'cos I'm amazed the way you painted the character of the girl as very evil just because she didn't pretend all was well which you only discovered by pokenosing into her private business.
Clap for yourself, the defender of THE OLD!
And does her tribe have to be in uppercase before your moviescript wins a major award?
Ethnic bigots like you are not needed in the future Nigeria if you refuse to change.

I sincerely hope you've truly seen planes before let alone being on board...oh! Thanks to Hollywood movies, you should have seen one.

Nonsense!

semid4lyfe: Would have made more sense if we had seen the guy and his reactions

Meanwhile, na true the babe talk. . . . .

You are very right. Still hilarious though...

I would forever choose Hollywood. C'mon! These guys are the best at what they do. Even when they don't have plenty stories (like we do in Africa) to tell, they still have a way of gluing the viewers to the screen.
They have created many of the memorable movie characters.
They dive into various genres so you can make your choice.
I can't authoritatively say that a Bollywood film is BETTER than DARK KNIGHT. Bollywood is still a bit simple with its plots, shallow with character lines but are definitely improving day by day.
As for my dear Nollywood, let's not go dia!

Aafulenu: correction, its not a recruitment, its just and advert for a senima/presentation on financial matters. for students and graduates who are interested in a career in finance. its just for 3hrs and ur tfare would be paid if u are selected to attend.

so no carry am for mind say na job. its a presentation

Lol..you wicked oo. You fit spoil person joy.
Well, it's mainly for the seminar but they may eye one or two ppl lyk me for work.

Ching chung chan...schivo...ching tau lah...chang chung.




DAts my no.

Nice facts...








But the most shocking one would have been Nigeria was once a nation without the cankerworm called CORRUPTION that has eaten into almost all sectors of the economy.

This woman is just too beautiful! Kai! I guess she is wearing little or no make up. Nice one @ 46.

Yeah...it is true.

She still looks gud naa...@least, beta dan OP's galfwend.

kulyie: o please shatttap,criticize constructively.there is no one that doesnt make a fashion mistake

You are obviously high. By the way, is she your relative?





A lady can still make sense fashion-wise without exposing all that needs to be covered...it's called CLASS. Even if your own rule is 'if you have it, flaunt it', what's she flaunting here? Her tummy? Mu eh eh eh.

200 shoes? Waoh!





But abeg my sista, hw many of dem be original? Oya talk true...

Hmmmmm....*sips tea and continues reading*

Op, what school is that?
I just graduated from Great Ife and I'm sure that it's not a criterium to success for you to give supervs gifts, especially in my department.

Though, when I was done with my project, I bought a gift for mine just to show appreciation for his thorough supervision..............................




.....And because he was my first referee in my CV

Definitely Ebube Nwagbo!

In this order:
1. Asa.
2. Omawumi.
3. TY bello.
.
.
.
.
.
Others can sneak into my event...I won't really mind.

I sense she's surrounded by hypocrites who keep telling her she is still young.

How can she dress like this, not minding her bulging stomach...em sorry...shape.

Nollywood actresses and their undying love for rags.

He r*ped you TWICE?? *clears throat* I'm coming, let me quickly check my GARRI THAT'S ON FIRE...

Is that a family of Laban? Thank God they didn't give him the elder in place of the younger.

Nevertheless, it's not strange in our culture...people still assume the elder should get married before the younger which shouldn't be...
Everyone's path in life is unique. Let sleeping dogs lie.