jaelz:
I'm a young girl of 28 years. I'm married to a lovely husband that loves me so much but my problem is this. I married my hubby as a virgin but the first time we made love, he was expecting to see blood which he didn't and since then he has been accusing me of telling him lies about being a virgin.
I asked few of my friends and they told me that yes that blood is suppose to be a proof to that. I became more confused as I know deep down in me that am saying the truth. I confided in my mother and she told me the story of my life.
My mum said that when I was 4years old that our tenant called me into his room to come and take toys. The next thing she saw when I came out from the man's room was blood coming out from my vagina.
Immediately she called my father and they went to meet the man and lo and behold he had ran away. My problem now is should I explain to my hubby all this? Will he still love me? My readers please i need your honest advice.

Tell your husband and your friends to pick up a book and stop embarrassing themselves. Some people do not even feel discomfort the first time they have sex. In fact some women are born with no hymen at all. Hymen is just extra meat that covers some part of the vaginal opening. And a lot of women lose that "extra meat" over time. You were almost a grand mother when you lost your virginity so yours probably wore of a long time ago

Can they start showing us this people shackled like animals and thrown in jail. It is one thing to keep exposing these facilities but we never hear what happens after. Who knows they pay somebody and move to the neighboring state and start exploiting people again. Show us these animals being sentenced to life in prison and lets see how they suffer in prison. That would serve as a deterrent. These people have regard for the law. In fact no regard for humanity.

edwife:
I see one problem here MADAM;why?

-she didn't like the guest,she expected the guy alone and not with a lady.
-She already found an issue just because she is younger and married but the guest is not!How did the guest looked at you?How do you know that she was saying "how can i greet this small girl?"
-If you didn't want her in the morning in your kitchen,you should have show her the way to the kitchen before bedtime.


Now guest:

-I am sure she saw the attitude of the MADAM therefore her rude response-but still she was rude!
-The best thing to do in this situation was to leave the kitchen politely for MADAM and retrieve to your allocated room.


I am an early bird,so when i visit-i always go straight to the kitchen and clean up first thing.I can't help myself however i don't cook unless i ask for your permission.I don't even mind turning to a cook,a long as i and my man eat-we are all happy

You walk into someone's kitchen and start cleaning up I have heard it all lmao

mutter:


Every woman indeed deserves a man that respects and loves her and vice versa.
I absolutely agree!
The rate at which women are encouraged to leave their husband here is alarming! It is also wrong. When someone comes on here with a thread I pay attention to the OP and not the other person. She is the one that is on the forum. So it is her my advise is given to. If the man were to come on here for advice I would tell him he acted like a brute by hitting his wife. So check yourself once more and ask yourself if it is right to spoil a marriage that is possibly more intact than yours will ever be.

In this case I can DEDUDE ( let me use the word for today) that the OP and her husband are a passionate and temperamental couple. The are possibly very close and very much in love.

As we are here writing Chapters, they are in each others arms.

As for your gentle words. Save them for another time!

I too agree that most marriages can be saved but when it comes to abuse we have to take a step back and pause. Divorce is harder than most people think BUT we owe it to our fellow human beings to let them know that divorce does not equal death but staying in a volatile marriage can very easily equal death. We can never downplay physical abuse. Under no circumstances. Any type of abuse is bad and verbal usually leads to physical. You are right OP is probably in her husbands arms........ until the next slap. Anyway I'm done writing chapters. I understand what you're saying and you understand what I'm saying.

donpeey22:
The truth is that Op's wife is devilish.
If not how can she be putting down all his business plans? Even if she thinks they are not viable, why can't she be supportive enough to sell a better business idea to him? What's she supposed to be doing as a wife? Sit her butts at home and wait for the "real man" to bring home all the goodies? This is one thing I hate with our Nigerian ladies. They think the man must be the alpha and omega when it comes to fending for the family, yet they refuse to take the back sit.
Would op's wife have committed a crime if she had carried her husband along in her own business given that the man provided the capital? No! But in her selfishness, she decided to take the whole money and still can't contribute to paying the family bills. And not only that she still talks down on the man.
My people have a saying that poundo(manners) easily fall down from heaven for those whose bellies are already filled with food. Perhaps this lady should visit families where Ladies like her are happily winning the bread while their husbands make little or no contribution at all, maybe then she will thank God she has a husband who can afford to give her 10m to start up a business.
Ladies get it into your heads: Not every man is raised to be the kind of "real man" you always make reference to viz being all macho and all dominating, some are raised to be passive or at best partially passive. If life joins you with such kinds of men, take the lead in the relationship and stop complaining. After all, the same you women would still complain when the man wants to relegate u to the back sit in the home.
When you keep ranting and calling the weakling because of his passive nature, you are at risk of making him act fake and that would be disastrous to you and the society at large.

First of all she has one butt not two . Secondly, she's not the one sitting at home, he is. He has said he lives of handouts from his family and rental property he inherited. I am assuming that there have been times he could not make ends meet because they needed to get handouts from his family. Do you think that she would really want to go out everyday and run her businesses and raise kids if she had the option? She's does not feel financially secure in that relationship and so she knows she has to go out and work while he stays home because as he admitted, he has no desire to work. The problem her comes from her very abusive nature. Her husband clearly has low self esteem and rather than look at that part, she has focused on him being this "poor little rich kid". She sees her husband as a spoiled brat and treats him like an unwanted child. I don't think that people like the OP's wife can change. Abusive people are just toxic. They need a separation to reevaluate but if the OP rushes into another relationship without fighting his demons he might regret it. He needs to live like he has no mummy to run to when the going gets tough.

aisha2:


I respect your views but anyone who brings a guest is treated as a guest, I dont treat you less because you are not a wife. Her comment about the hotel was in order because she would have been free at a hotel and not be eyed and harrased by a wife who sees her as less than human because she has no ring.

For me its too much work running after guests. Like I said the lady must have insisted on a hotel while the man wanting to save cost insisted on his friends house.

But why should she mention what transpired between her man and herself. I would certainly treat someone I have a relationship with different from someone I simply do not know if I walk into the kitchen and she's been through my things. Ring or no ring. This is not about the ring and not about kitchen power but I'm sure you already know that

2undexy:
Hello Nairalanders!

I have been dating this my gurl since June last year and we did almost everythin in common.
But the mystery behind our relationship is that she'd never ask for anything nor receive anything I gift 2 her. Though we've never had ssex before cos am not a fornicator.

The only thing she has ever receive from me is #200 airtime, and anytime i want to give her maybe some money or gift, she tells me she is not a materialistic lady that I should keep those things till further notice (imagine?).

Pls Nairalanders, should i back out of this relationship or do you think she's the right girl for me?

You're getting cold feet because she's not using you as her personal ATM? What will it take to change this mindset in today's Nigerian man. Would it make you feel secure if she was indebted to you in some way? Is that were your confidence lies? You need to work on your mindset.

aisha2:
The myth of " your kitchen is your power" has been passed on for so long. My own power is not in the kitchen oh, I have so many other issues on my mind to be doing the " my kitchen is my world iss"

This has nothing to do with "kitchen power". It's common courtesy. Is the guest a child? If she had a baby that needed a bottle and maybe she needed to heat it up or the host slept until 1pm and she had children to feed, or she is diabetic and has to eat at specific times etc then exceptions can be made. I can never walk into a hosts kitchen to help myself to anything if I have not been invited to do so. It is rude. You're opening up cabinets, rummaging through the refrigerator etc. It's a gross invasion of my privacy. If this was a wife or partner that the couple had a long standing relationship with then it's a different story. This was a girlfriend that they had never met. Her comment about the man not getting a hotel room further proves that she has no manners whatsoever.

BlackLeopard:


This. And violence isn't strength. Violence is power used when strengths fail.
Lotta people need to stop confusing dems.

It shows a lack of intelligence. When people start to talk as if being physically strong makes them superior all I think about is a chimpanzee standing in the corner beating its chest.

mutter:


Maybe I am and maybe not.

It is a fact that most girls/women have experienced abuse at one time or the other in their lives in Nigeria. It could be from a husband, father, relation, siblings or ......
Girls that grow up with an abusive father also often marry abusive men.
Victims of abuse sometimes turn to abusers themselves.

It is comment like yours above that make most women keep abuse a secret and not disclose. Because obviously they get insulted for it.

Now I want you to clap for yourself for being so smart in your analysis about me!

You did not have to tell me anything. I simply deduced. What is more dangerous is you are likely in a situation that is difficult to live in but not steering women away from making the same choices. Instead you berate women in that situation or you try to convince them that these abusive men are not so bad. You are the dangerous one. I am happy I made that comment so that some of these women can go back and read your posts and then pretty much scratch off anything you have told them concerning their relationship. Every human being deserves a partner that loves and respects them but you on the other hand go out of your way to romanticize abuse in marriage. People like you make women stay in these horrible situations and when they get seriously injured or even killed, it is your type that will make comments like "I told her not to do this or that anymore", "she was very stubborn" etc. Don't expect any gentle words from me. You don't have to tell your business but you could be honest so other women can learn and not make your mistakes.

He taught me how to pray
He taught me discipline
He taught me to take pride in my work
He taught me to take responsibility for my choices
He taught me about God
He taught me how to love
He taught me to think
He taught me to stand my ground
He taught me to take risks and not be afraid (He always says "Heaven is your limit" not the sky is your limit )
He taught me by example

My dad is awesome oh

I'd rather have a housekeeper so I have more time with my husband and the kids. The help is not just the help for the woman but for the family.

Rapists Anonymous

Your depression is not from the pimples. It's likely from the ridicule you get from your mother about them. You have to filter all that out. My best friend had pimples all through high school. They did not clear up until her 20s and right now both the pimples and spots are all gone. You could try proactiv if you have access to it. Otherwise, try to do some basic tests to figure out if you have oily, dry or combination skin and then do basic care based on the result. Good luck

alutacontinua:


Truth is this kind of relationships can be dicey.
Some step-children can NEVER be content!
Some step-mothers can be wicked!
The story above is just two sides of a story, unfortunately, the 3rd side(which is the truth) is not something we have access to. If viewed from various angles, the story truly does not add up.

My mum might cook for my 10-year old cousin staying with her and assume I'll find my way out. I wouldn't crucify her for that, my dad wouldn't too. If it were to be the other way round, I being the 10-year old and my cousin being me, they'll say she's maltreating. It's SOMETIMES the paranoia associated with complicated relationships.

True. There are even children who have this same issues with their own parents. You have husbands who come on Nairaland to complain that their wives do not contribute a kobo to the homes needs but sponsors all her siblings through school. Adults who are so resentful of their fathers "training" everybody's child in the family and now he cannot afford to help them out with their own school fees. It gets stretched when it becomes step parent or in laws. Let's just try to be objective is all I'm saying. She might have been spiteful at times but I have to say I cannot respect someone who would date someone who does not accommodate their kids much less marry the person.

crackhaus:

So it is not possible that she treated them right in her husband's presence, while turning around to do the opposite in his absence?

Did he force her to marry him? Didn't she know what she was signing up for?

Aside the starving, that the children and her don't see eye to eye and that she stopped them from visiting home after he rented them another apartment, still doesn't tell you the kind of woman she is?


So tell me, what exactly don't you believe here?
That some women are capable of maltreating their step-children, or that the man should not use it as an excuse for divorce?

That using this particular excuse tells me he is full of shit. He could have said she's difficult to live with. She's violent. She's financially irresponsible. She's an unrepentant adulterer. I would buy any of those but not this one. Keep in mind that I personally think that NIgerians make the worst and most dangerous step parents I have seen. So I am not saying that she's an angel. I'm just saying that if he actually came to the court and those were his specific reasons for ending this marriage then he is full of poop.

crackhaus:

Who is her husband?

It's a 4 year relationship. Wow. I don't know about this but if you have been with someone for 4 years and are not married and he has these serious issues with the very definition of you then maybe it's time to reevaluate.

crackhaus:

Cococandy, sometimes you shouldn't type certain things when you obviously don't realize how it sounds.
@bold text - she raised kids that weren't hers sounds to me like you mean she did them a favour...I mean don't you think that may be the exact same thinking that must have got her in this mess?

Okay the kids are over 18yrs old now, so what?
The husband says she fights/quarrels with them a lot...did she confirm this? YES!

Did you stop for a second to think that maybe she has indeed been maltreating/starving them since they were kids, and now they come of age they finally have the guts to be rebellious and stand up to her?

Will kids that received all the love and motherly affection from a woman they know isn't their biological mother suddenly start disagreeing and fighting her at every opportunity?


Free yourself from linear thinking!

This is possible but what good parent would stay married to someone who truly starved his children. He married her in 1996 when she was just 19. Being a 19 year old step mother is a tough job. Especially when the kids are old enough to understand that this woman is taking the place of their mom. It was his responsibility to make sure that the young woman he married and his young defenseless children had a healthy relationship. I'm not really sure why a man with children would think that marrying a 19 year old is a good idea. She's barely an adult herself. A 19 year old in 1996 is very different from a 19 year old in 1945. He was obviously not thinking about his children when he made his choice. It is crazy that after spending her best years raising the kids that now he finds fault in what she spent all those years doing. If you are a father then think about coming home from work and seeing that your children have not been fed all day. Would it be something you would ignore for 18 years? Most men will say no. I would believe any other excuse but not this one. They are not getting along. He wants a divorce. He should just say that and not use this excuse. It's lame.

His absent mother is not his problem. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It is not the answer. He can investigate the disappearance of his mother much later. He should focus on getting some stability in life for now. Keep encouraging him but do not help him stay in his world of self pity. He does not need pity. He needs a reality check

Awwww. I feel bad for you. An introvert is an introvert but I think that you should take sometime and study your husband and he too should take his time studying you so that you guys can come up with a system that will work for just the two of you. I don't see you as boring but I think you should find something that interests you. Something you can be passionate about. You say you are excited aboutplanning your future. Find something related to that that you and your husband could plan and work on together. Maybe you guys can spin that into something you could enjoy together. Also, you might not be an expressive person but everything becomes a habit when you keep doing it. That is the definition of habit. So tell him you love him. If you have to set an alarm to tell him then so be it. Give him a kiss after your prayers at night. Initiate sex. Just keep doing it until it becomes normal to you. I think your husband is being hard on you because having a boring spouse is not the worst thing that could happen but since he has told you what his issue might be then I think you should step out of your shell a little bit.

She's 37 and they have been married for 18 years. The kids are all now adults and it is not he wants to divorce her for starving them?

I personally cannot walk into anybody's kitchen and start tinkering around. Hopefully your husbands friend marries her and really enjoy her mannerlessness. Since right now he is endorsing her behavior

The first time he looks you in the eye and punches you should be the last time. If he can do it once he will do it again and again and again and again. There's never any excuse you could ever make up for him. None. Every single one of these women did not die from the first incident of physical abuse. Which means that they had the chance to leave but for whatever reason did not. The two who died last year in Houston have even had the police come out to the house to save them but by the time the police started filing charges the women changed their minds and dropped charges and kept living with these men. The sad thing is after they are dead, their female children will carry this hate with them to their relationships. The boys usually end up being abusers even though they hated what their fathers did. So tell me, what is the point in staying in a violent relationship? It cannot be because of the children. These stories just make me mad and sad. May her soul rest in peace.

Middlefinger1:
Oga oooo, I didn't have the time to read your long epistle (which st paul will be proud of), but I must tell you that tax evasion is a serious offence globally and it's punishable by law, so stop encouraging the masses to be law breakers.

That's the problem. It's not about tax evasion. It's about reducing your tax responsibility legally. The topic in misleading

Oh my God. This is horrible. May his soul rest in peace. Amen

orble:


STOP this western culture of backwardness.
I believe in.

1. Sexual chastity as enshrined in our culture.

2. population explosion CANNOT hurt us. (some western men don't need children; that's their culture. it is not ours to follow ) Imagine an African man "Rather adopt" children than having his... Abominable!

As for African women stronger than their men; I reserve my sentiment 4 now.

SMH. Really? Just keep having kids because you can? Have them and let them die from starvation or lack of health care because their parents cannot afford to pay for healthcare. This is your argument in favor of the superiority of your culture?

MissMeiya:


African women are much stronger. Westerners do not believe the female should carry the financial burden. That would hurt the man's ego. They expect 50/50 or 100/0. Meanwhile, the Nigerian man has no problem relying on his wife and using his wife's money, as long as no one knows about it. I have seen multiple instances of this with my own eyes.




I love Nigerian men (usually). But I can't let you lie like this.

I don't know were NIgerians get this idea. Come to middle belt America (the heart beat of America) and you'll find that in most homes the man brings home the bacon and the wife handles the finances. The men do not automatically interprete that as "this is my house" or "I'll send you packing". As for NIgerian men being better lovers........ rotflmao. Please abeg. I can't laugh.

Orikinla:


Her stylist Johnny Wright said First Lady "Michelle Obama's perfect waves are 100% natural, she just uses conditioner and a hair tie!"

Hmm. She really knows her hair then. To have natural hair and keep it as straight as Michelle Obama keeps hers most of the time is miraculous

fem29:


Hmm mutter my husband said he is sure ur a man posting as female, and he is a typical naija man.

Your comments always weigh heavily on the side of men, anything that happens you always make it the woman's fault

She's not a man. She's a woman in an abusive relationship

troy20:
And apparently a man who has lacked a strong parental prod and presence of a father.you can never over emphasise the importance of one.worse still a wife without the emotional intelligence to support her man.And nothing like a woman with one.ill take her over a degree holder without it.

You nailed it

dinachi:
Rotten puccy how market?
Many are mad but few are roaming! The day you stop seeing the dick as agent of oppression and start seeing him as agent of enjoyment, fulfillment and liberation the better for you. In all thy getting get wisdom. A life of bitterness will only lead you to an early grave.

If you had a penis, you would not even know what to do with it. Maybe if you behaved like a man whatever unlucky woman who falls into your net would give you some good sex. Until then keep humping the couch in your living room cause I know that is the only action you could ever possibly get. Follow some of the good men on nairaland and learn from them. Your partner might pity you and maybe let you rub her back. Silly thing.

Darkrebel:


what he is saying is not Bollocks.
Lol..He's a Lawyer for Effing Sake..
he also said he read the dictionary for an hour every day for 20 hours... That's genius and a lot of hard work..

his accent may not be the best but you can't deny his Wide range of words...
He's just like Canibus....

and by intimidation...- I mean he can purposely use his English knowledge to embarrass some people

Tbh I do it sometimes.. especially to girls...if I wanna embarrass them a lil ..I will start using very rare and big words and the girl will be like-- uh? wah?
lol..I just smile in my mind..

Anybody who is intimidated by his English is probably is not comfortable with their English. He does not come across as brilliant at all. Watching him talk is like watching a baby who's learning to walk. He looks like he could seriously injure himself at every turn. He needs to relearn how to speak in English or just stick to Bini or Esan