₦airaland Forum

This one happened also in one of the states in the south south where I worked 4 a bit.
In those days when gsm was still fresh in Naija and so many thieves were stealing phones, a certain youngman - let's call him joe's phone was stolen and he tried to call the number to see if a good samaritan could have found it for him.

Strangely the phone was answered but by a stupid sounding guy with a thick local accent in broken english. Joe pleaded with him to return the phone 4 a reward and after a long discussion, the guy asked joe to come meet him at the town park which was about 30km from where he was.

On getting there after spending money on Tp and making the long uncomfortable journey, Joe called the number and the guy picked up but this time started laughing and said; Ol boi, u mumu well well sha, so u believe say I go gif u dis fone? I no dey park o, I just wan stress u! Joe was mad but calmed down and pleaded with him to even take the phone but leave the Sim so he could retrieve important contact's numbers and other vital infos. After several calls pleading and begging, the guy asked him to go to another distant location the next morning and ask a lady selling akara for the sim.

Early the next day Joe set out to d location and actually saw an akara seller whom he asked but she claimed she knew nothing of the sort. Joe then tried the number and it rang, this time the theif told him to sit down near the akara seller's location till he came. This he did for the next 4 hrs, making calls over and again until when the theif started laughing at him over the phone calling him mumu and telling him to better buy akara for dinner because he might likely sleep there. At that point Joe just realised this guy was not planning to release the phone and just went home sad.

BUSH MAN: when i was living with my uncle in peckam one evening as i went out side the front garden with a big black bag full of rubbish i was going to throw in the bin outside,a young looking guy came up to me with some thing that looked like a ten inch screwdriver and threatned to stab me,unless i handed over the bag, i quikly handed him the bag,later i heard rumours that it was a mistaking identity apparently he thought it was a bag full of ganja not knowing it was a bag full of dog shit and rotten fish and all kinda house hold rubbish

Hahahahahahaha!! Oh my! I can't stop laughing

Vikin: I have heard this as a popular joke(Uche ogbuaju or something) in esatern part of Nigeria, you just narrated it as if it happened to you? I wonder what people will gain from telling lies .

I just give up

Am sorry to say this, your Uche ogbo-whatever must have been a thief, probably one of those guys who listen up on other peoples gists and jokes to form what they use for comedy. This thing happened to us live and even the little boy and girl of then who are now undergraduates of uni in Naija are regular visitors on Nairaland. So, please ask ur uche where he got the original story from. I wonder what I gain by claimin to be a part of the story unlike others.

I remember a story I read recently about a luxurious bus hijack on one of these Naija inter state routes. Robbers stopped the bus and ransacked everyone for money. However, due to the new ATM fast money technology in Naija, they were dissapointed. I guess most people didn't hold much liquid cash on them while travelling unlike b4.

The robbers were pissed after collecting the little physical cash they could get and decided to seize all phones and ATM cards and force each passanger to give out their pin numbers after enquiring about how much each one had in their accounts as well as information about how soon they were expecting more money in the account .

All pasangers were kidnaped and kept in a well guarded secluded building in the middle of nowhere and at night they were taken in batches to secluded ATM machines to withdraw their monies till it reached the limit. After this, they were led back to their prison.

This process continued for a little over a week till passangers' accounts were all completely emptied before they were released in batches at different locations after which the robbers dissapeared.

If u were in their shoes what would u have done?

@jakumo, bros abeg no vex o. As someone explained I only narrated d story as I was told so u really don't have to set urself on fire for this cause. Perhaps u might need the white man's research into African bullet proff jazz before u believe since u happen to be one so much used to sucking their arse. Good news tho, some guys from Austrailia would soon be releasing their findings on this area of african ocultic vodoo and what they discovered about the contoversial bullet resisting vodoo. When it lands u would get to see and learn from ur white masters as u r used to.
Cheers

Yay enuff of these boring peeps and talks, mooooore stories

Come o, u guys cannot be reading my own experiences and not contribute o! Which ones na? If no more contributions I may stop posting chikena!

I am afraid of all my friends including YOU! Lol

This happened some years ago in the south south of Naija, when robberies were very rampant and robbers so daring. The Dad of a friend of mine who was a senior military officer in charge of gunnery and ammunition which were often supplied to the base under his supervision. This man sometimes secretly stored ammo in their house which was outside the base while their quaters was being renovated and no one knew of it till one day.

Armed robbers had warned the area that they were comin to rob and everyone was scared. My friend's dad just stayed up drinking beer and watching TV all night till they arrived and were sighted by him from the balcony. They had started robbing the neighbours and were about 8 in number, 4 stood guard outside and 4 went in.

The officer took his gun and aimed at each robber standing guard, shooting point blank at each of them in quick succession being an excellent marks man, but to his surprise the bullet just bounced off while the guys turned in his direction and laughed, they had on some bullet resisting jazz on them! They called the rest of their gang to come out and head for where the shots were fired from.

The group assembled, eight in number and walked towards the compound which had no gate shouting that they were going to kill my friends father and all his family. By now everyone in the house was scared shitless, crying, begging God and blaming the dad.

To their suprise being the soldier he was, he wasn't shaken, he just ran into his room and came out with something in each of his hands, walked to the balcony, bent down and threw what was in his right hand at the robbers, followed swiftly by his left.

All of a sudden two successive deafening explosions were heard and the bodies of the assembled robbers flung in all directions; the man had used greenades! The only two robbers that survived were maimed 4 life, one lost both legs and the other was burnt badly and lost sight and hearing.

My friend's dad was courtmarshalled by his force in the morning. And jailled for a month but reinstated after 7months afte accquited by military court. Robberies in that area ceased for a very long time after that. Till today he's called BaBa Rambo! Lol

No food for lazyman

Am sure every Nigerian has come accross those stickers placed on shops, doors of houses, cars etc. Some are outrightly funny giving this "I pass my neighbour" flavour. While some signboards, pictures or posters are just outright funny If u have come accross any write up, pictures, posters signages or stickers let's share it here. This should be fun

kreamstaff: I once witnessed a lady whose bag was snatched by a guy on okada and she was first shocked but later started laughing, when asked she said it was her baby bag that was snatched containing loads of pampers covered with shit, she was looking for where to throw it. I guess the robbers helped out. I would have loved to see their faces when sharing the loot hahahaha

I can't stop laughing
That's a good one, imagine the expression 4 real
More stories pls

C'mon guys R u too shy or trying to say u havnt had an experience like this or perhaps heard of one? Y not share

Travelling by night luxirious busses used to be fun in Naija till robbers took over the highways.

I heard of an incident where a luxurious bus was way layed on its way on a journey, and d fierce looking armed robbers hijacked the bus and drove it far away into a lonely forrest and asked every occupant at gun point to strip and come out of the bus hands up and legs spread apart leaving all their clothes, valuables, phones in the vehicle.

All the now N@ked passangers both male and female were forced out of the bus and made to lie down face up on the ground in the bush, after they all came down the robbers entered the vehicle and zoomed off!

These folks were there for hours in the bushes hiding due to their n@kedness until some of them summoned courage to go get help from a nearby village, where they were able to get wrappers from ladies washing at the stream to cover their bodies.
A report was made to the nearest police station later and after 3days or so the bus was recovered but all valuables and designer clothes were missing.

I wonder how the victims would have felt lol!

A friend of mine narrated his co-tenants' story which was so funny.

Robbers came to their house which was a tenament building with many occupants and forced all everyone out of their rooms into the landlords palour. They were then asked if they had money or not. The Landlord pleaded that he didn't have any money on him as all tenants had been owing house rents for sometime now, he was separated to one line while those with money were told to bring it and join another line.

Right there one of the tenants went to bring some money in a bag and dropped it with the Landlord saying it was his rent for the next two years. Ol boy see as landlord reject am say he never due for him to collect rent. Before u know there was an argument before d robbers btw landlord and tennant. Then the robbers decided to make an example by shooting one of the tenants in the "have not" line on the foot to enable the landlord make up his mind. Quickly the landlord accepted he wanted d money but asked 4 just six months.

The robbers finally settled the case by asking d landlord to accept one and a half years as was his usual custom and to prepare a reciept duly signed by both parties warning that the tenant must not be evicted otherwise the landlord will be dealt with if they discover. They were both asked to join the queue of people with money while others secretly started borrowing money to enable them join the safe line. No one else was wounded and d robbers carted away all the money.

It was a traumatic experience then, but its quite laughable now, the landlord never demanded excessive months of rent after that and started using an agent 4 his dealings. Lol

I remember way back when I was just starting uni, I went to stay with a friend of mine in PH. We were about 6 in the house, two parents, my friend and I plus two todlers, a little boy of 2 and a girl of 4.

The robbers hit the door threatning to burst it open if we didn't and so my friends dad went to open d door for four rugged looking armed robbers who immediately shouted on us to all come out of the room, get on the floor and lie down facedown if we didn't want to die.

We did as instructed, all of us including d tiny kids. But soon d kids started fighting over the space to lie down saying that's my space I got there b4 u. One robber who seemed like the boss was left to guard us while one was outside and two ransacking the house.
Our guard just shouted on d kids LIE FACE DOWN and CLOSE ur EYES!!!

Few minuites later I just heard Mimi d little girl whispering; junior close ur eyes o, or ill report u. B4 u knew she just got up and went to tug the guard robber's trousers and said: " UNCLE ARMED RoBBER, junior is not closing his eyes!"

All of a sudden the robbers who heard her, two inside and d one outside bursted out laughing seriously, while the guard who was apparently shocked kept silent and shook his head gently. Before we knew it he just walked out of the house and in a teary voice commanded the rest to leave everything in the house and go. They actually left without stealing a pin because of how Mimi addresed their boss. I wonder why!

Hi Nairalanders, having lived in or presently living in Nigeria or any other crime prone country, I know many of us have had personal experiences or heard other peoples experiences of armed robbers, cultists, rapists, kidnappers, assasins and the likes.

Inasmuch as these happenstances are generally not the type many of us are happy to discuss, however there are some of us who have gotten over the experience while some are just daring enough to share. Anyway, there are some of these experiences that are quite funny, some are dare-devilish in nature while some are just outrightly crazy.

If u are up to it, here's the thread where u share!

Sorry reposted by mistake* go to https://www.nairaland.com/961824/crazy-real-life-crime-stories

kilokeys: Well i am going to spell it out.
Guys r meant to provide security ( money, comfort) Girls r meant to support ( beauty, sex, massage e.t.c) so if u r as broke as i am, lets forget this kitties and get a life.
Can u date ' YOU'? As broke as you r? Or as unhygienic, selfish, egoistic as u r?.

Hey bro, no need 4 all d self hating, there's always the sugar mummy or agony aunt option. If u can't b d man let a mature woman take ur hand and take care of u lol. . . There are loads of them on the shelf and the cache keeps getting bigger daily, go out and get some

Why u dey bone
Abeg park well o
Them swear 4 u
U too dey 4uk up
Tins e.g party tins, birthday tins, club tins etc
The guy Behind
Nack am wella
I go brush u
I wan arrange am
Make we flow

Disadvantages! Well apart from the guys that know you trying to describe how good your new wife was in their beds, u also have to contend with the direspectful way men would treat her even in ur presence thinking u might just be another loved up customer, plus the fact that u know she must have had tonnes of guys better than u.

Oh gross, . . . Pukes!

Wow am really suprised at the unbiased views we getting from most of the ladies, big up to u honest babes, u really making me proud. Well I guess we just lucky that most of em hoodrats havnt come to see this thread.

As for the mumu who keeps a razor in her purse, that razor would be one day used to cut off the nose divider of ur "trouser-like" nose turning it into a "skirt-like" one. . . Anuofia! Hissssss

To all unmarried christians, I would like you to know that contrary to what some people here are saying, it is not ungodly or antichrist to decide to remain unmarried. Not all Jesus deciples were married, and the bible never insist u must be married like many of our self styled men of God want to preach today. Yes u must be married to hold some positions in church but as much as there are purposes and advantages for being married, there are also loads of advantages in remaining single.

If u are happy being alone, enjoy it and make the best of it rather than force urself into an unhappy life where u are taken advantage of.

For further enlightenment on being happily single read the book : Singles 101 by Dr Myles Monroe, a true Man of God

nefertitiram: I will share my experience. I had series of men wanting to marry ‎​me, yet I searched for a husband. I came from a broken home, which ultimately led to the death of both parents and I said this will never happen to ‎​me.

After courting one guy or the other I said to myself, something is lacking in this relationship. We are not friends, and I had this male friend for almost 7yrs, who was commitment phobic, an objective listener and was the perfect friend! Early in our friendship, I wondered if he was even gay sef! Bt really, he had this notion as well that men were unhappy in marriage! He had even vowed not to get married.

Long and short of it, after suffering one heartbreak or the other for different reasons, I had a heart to heart with the woman in the mirror, I had to love myself first, and be friends with the next guy I will date 1st before I go into any relationship. Apparently I began to spend more time with my guy friend just cos he was a true friend dat says 'Guy'(that's what he calls ‎​me)you no de try, or this dress is ugly, or no chocolates for you, you are getting fat, or wow! You look splendid today!

I married that commitment phobic guy eventually. He is still my best friend till date.I cannot even go to the movies without him, or buy sharwarma or chinese for myself alone. I can't go to shoprite along, there is an unspoken rule that we must do these things together And one day I overheard him telling a friend to get married, it will improve your life! I laughed, because that was what I used to tell him earlier.

Men do not like pressure, I have 6 brothers and 4 brothers in law and it has been proven. So I reduce d̶̲̥̅̊ pressure on him. I can bet my husband still feels 'single' I don't breathe downn his neck you are now married! You must do this or that! Will he cheat on ‎​me later in life, I do not know, but I know I have forgiven for whatever he may do and I will always forgive.

This may sound stupid but it is the only way to keep your sanity in marriage. The paranoia alone will kill you! Is he cheating, is he not? But once you have the mentality that whatever the caase, you will forgive, you will not be overbearing and be a nagging insecure wife.

'Husbands loove your wives, wives submit to your husbands' simple rule for marriage from God. It alwaz works

Now that's the kind of relationship everyone should seek, marry a friend u truly know, this way u accept each other the way u really are badass or not.

Welldone sista u are one of the few who have really got it right, never ever try to change him- and u'll both always be happy!

The truth be told, MOST men who are married are truely unhappy compared to when they were single.
The main reason for this being that they were tricked into marriage by a pretender! Most women marry the once hapilly single men with the aim of changing him, while men who innocently married women just as they were get surprised that the women changed all of a sudden.

Now imagine a life where u are forced to give up most of ur original personality to adopt a fake one because u got married to a person who showed u a Fake personality only to change to the b*tch she really is after its too late?

Many of u married women don't know how miserable ur husbands truly are because of what u have forced him to become, no wonder even marriage councillors, pastors and respected role models have been caught in infidelity or end up in a separation or divorce. Make no mistake most men stay in marriage because of the vows to God rather than the happiness! Hence why many more men aren't getting married anymore and more women not finding husbands.