₦airaland Forum

14sixty:
Pls y'all should help me state your views and if anyone has been in similar situation as mine kindly tell me what you did.

Hello 14sixty. First, apologies for not responding earlier. I will try and respond in 3 parts, salvation, situation and sucour. Please bear with me, I may be in and out, and not able to finish at a go.

Salvation: many Christians (believers) take a while to fully understand the beauty and simplicity of Gods salvation in Jesus Christ. We often try and mix grace with works, and faith with law. We get that it's by faith, but can't help thinking that we have to work to complete and or finish it.

No, no, no. And Hallelujah to that. It's completely by grace. We don't meet the Lord at point A, then he points yonder to point B, saying "We are here by faith, salvation is over there, make your way towards it with good works". No.

You are saved, when you truly believe. End of. You may stumble, you may fall, you may find yourself situationally compromised, but you are saved. Your spirit is renewed, renew your mind with the scriptures and prayer. Celestial body to arrive later

Unless you willfully and determinedly reject Gods grace and the Salvation of The Lord Jesus Christ, you are saved. No need to pray and fast for salvation - I'm not actually convinced it's something you can do.

And there is no judgement for believers, let alone punishment. Eternal judgement is for unbelievers and even then punishment is not eternal. believers have an altogether different end where you meet with the Lord and are rewarded. Let your heart be assured and be at peace.

I struggled with this early on. The day after my salvation I swore at my sibling. I thought I'd never be able to do wrong again? How can? Salvation is separate to perfection, that comes with time. And although you are a new creation, the "old man" (in the flesh) will still stir, even though he is as one dead.

Don't feel guilt if you have truly repented and acknowledged your past sins and need of salvation. "It is finished". The enemy will remind you, your flesh will agitate you, be please rest in his finish work. There is nothing for you to do.

Hope this helps. Have family runs - will be back later.


God bless
TV

missjo:
My rant/beef ends here too. This thread has out lived its usefulness.

...not so fast, I'm not done ...besides, it's never about the thread really is it . Like said, it's about our learning...

MizMyColi:
TV01 touched up on some of the points that made me say I'm weak earlier.

I won’t lie. Sometimes I think you speak a whole load of mumbo-jumbo. And like I do a lot of the posters here, I was just going to leave you be, so far as you did’nt appear to champion immorality or blaspheme. And so it was until you felt the need to take me to task a while back .

But you know, you do appear genuine, very “from the heart”. And in some ways I think you at least try and be straight and aim for consistency. And that’s quite rare here. Credit where it is due. One step forward.

There’s a theory that women rarely speak truth to power, not unless it’s in their best interest. Indeed, the theory goes, truth or lies are not really a consideration, it’s more about staying onside of power and influence. Keeping relationships and favour going, no matter the compromise.

Why did you need me to say something, before you spoke? And even then, you spoke more to appease, than to address. Two steps back.
It’s why, despite what I hear here, I’ll always believe that men should lead in most areas and in most situations.

missjo:
As much as I don't agree with TV on a lot of things, your tone on this issue confirms a lot of what he laid out.

As distasteful as I found that tone, I did not mention it. I posted to address the repugnant dehumanising things that were being said about OP and her situation. That I found disgusting.

Afterall now, it seems that in context, anyone that is not - by whatever measure - equal to or above another person, may not actually be considered worthy to be treated like one.

Anyway, I understand that you both had to coat-tail me. Bowing to male leadership – it’s instinctive .

Anyways, have a great weekend

Doveda, originally, I was going to ignore, be scathing, or dismissive of your mention. But I realise none of those refute. So I replied, not really knowing you, and still had to edit a number of times, to ensure I didn’t lose the message in my scorn.

But now, having read some of your posts, painting you as someone who claims to be an avid feminist, I really should have gone with my instinct. You actually doubled down on something that was horrible to think, let alone say, whatever you believe, let alone for a self-proclaimed feminist?

Ranchhoddas, because of my response to her, you called me womens wrapper. It will sit nicely in my collection, which contains others, including; Pharisee, sexist, misogynist, hater of women, bully of women, talker downer on women, and my personal favourite “chauvinist”. I’ve also been called the M, C and F words, but I’m not actually old or bold enough to repeat those in full. I can’t believe I haven’t be labelled a feminist, upon all my effort .

It’s bathtime - not mine - but I may be back for the backbiters and, gainsayers - if I find the time and inclination.


TV

tearoses:
We cant argue
We can discuss

You haven't really given specific examples on her being pampered

CC, how far na? Hope all is well and things are just so in the homestead. You are first up, which ever way I look at it, even, if not especially, based on the Yoruba "age deference" tradition. And if it's age before beauty, then you'll be first and second - did I just dodge a bullet?

I didn't get the "pampering" bit at first either? But then I revisited this contextually. Think about it, in a country where brutalisation - the govt brutalizes the people, leaders brutalise their followers, spouses brutalise each other, parents brutalise children, madams brutalise helps, people routinely brutalise each other (just because). and the economy brutalises nigh on everyone - is the norm, it's perhaps understandable to see that some people may confuse treating others with basic human dignity and a modicum of respect, regardless of their wrong-doings or situation, as pampering - even among the well-to-do foreign educated burghers, in the high-brow rarefied environs of the Island.

My initial promise was to come back and acknowledge your first post, so I should probably have started with this. When I first read the kind of dehumanising things being written, I wanted to jump straight in. But I thought our resident feminists will soon be in to right this wrong.

After all, I thought, for those that hate feminism, for those that espouse it, for those on the mild end of the spectrum and those on the extreme, one thing they can all agree on is that woman should be free to make their own choices. Not a whisper as OP was discussed like she was a farmyard animal. I waited a few days not a sound. Then just as I was fumbling to post, stopping and starting - with lil' mama on my lap - you said something. Thank you for that glimmer of hope.

I find it helps not to have overly high expectations of anyone on here, and even to a degree in real life, but I always have hope. But where is the hope when too many of the women here seem to find it so hard to reason factually, cling tightly to a - IMO - shoddy ideology they can't follow through on, and offer nothing more than a therapeutic nod to objective morality.

And finally - age, beauty and character - as the mother of an adult, how do you think any mother would take it if random strangers turned up at the door, flip their "NL CharitySquad" ID, and presume to take control of your daughters life. The daughter you had long-suffered with for 26 years, the daughter who you were still housing and feeding and whose child, plus one on the way, you were caring for?

Or even the paternal grandmother in situ? The squad turn up and say "good job tending to the expectant mother", but this sprog is going up for adoption as soon as it's sprung? The mind boggles - let me stop.

Don't feel the need to answer me o jare, just musing while la famiglia are out jollying without me .

Actually, I do have one question. Given the new age-thingy, would you like to be addressed as mummy, mummy agba, or the more churchy "mother in Israel". For myself, I'm thinking 35+ refer to me as "big unku", while anything below that as "awon daddy wa" .


TV

...who's on duty here? And why is there a struggle with 101 stuff .

Boohema, this is relatively straight forward.

Are you right and ready for marriage? I see you nodding vigorously .
If you are, sImply tell your boo. After a year, you have the right to ascertain specifics.

Ask him if he will commit to marrying you. If he says no, walk.
If yes, then ask him when.

If it's too long walk, or tell him it's not acceptable.
You then tell him what is. If he agrees, fine, If not walk.

Ensure you are happy with the timeframe you specify or negotiate.

No regrets. All the best.


TV

As you are one of 2 who actually mentione me by name, I will take the time to post a few replies. The others knew to keep thier coo'ings coded, lest I swipe - what's it to be a cat among pigeons

I also have exprience of the West . And I'll tell you something else that occurs. Pet ownership in some countries is quite high. And some people really love their "pets". But it's still ownership - and they are in a sense "gods" to these animals. And, it shows, in the way they speak about, and treat them.

Feral animals will often be "neutered", and you'll hear "owners" talking of "castrating" or "spaying" their pets. But that's to be expected really, they are after all only animals right? But wouldn't you find that kind of language degrading if applied to humans?

Does anyone think that because they may drop something, or even take a genuine long-term interest in this girl, they have the right to make these type of pronouncements;

Onegai:
I don't know about you, but I think we should only support her if she puts up the child for adoption and gets an implant for contraceptive.

Onegai:
I'll give her money after she has the baby and puts it up for adoption and gets fitted with a 5-year Contraceptive.

Along with a number saying she had to terminate the pregnancy?

doveda:
@TV01, in the western world, they will often take kids from these type of women.

Only if they prove totally incapable of looking after them. Further, the West is not determinative for Nigeria - there are local customs and morés. This woman is an adult living in the bosom of her family. You get to decide whether you give or not, they get to decide how they wish to proceed. Rendering assistance doesn't give you "ownership", or even rights as such. Is that overly difficult to comprehend?

doveda:
If they don't, people like her live on child benefits and to keep it coming they give birth to more kids. In Nigeria, ladies like her keep kids coming for one man with N100 after another with N50000. The society will be the one to suffer the consequences of her poor choices.

Nobody beats the drum for the behaviours that leads to flourishing societies on this section more than I do. So please leave that. Where there are negative outcomes from destructive behaviours, we should by all means offer support, and work to breach the gap, but there are limits - and they don't extend to the kind of pronouncement above.

doveda:
Given her antecedent, she cannot make any life changing decisions.

It's not your place to say that. And her antecedents are not necessarily instructive to her future. And even if she cannot, her family - who by the way have been there until now - are next in the hierarchy - not those of us here.

doveda:
She feels like she is one smart babe. I don't know if you noticed , she has changed the title of her thread from help me to have mercy on me I don't want to die. That is the type of person you think should make decisions. Well, I believe she has already given the society the right to decide for her.

And if she has passed responsibility to “society”, that means any random individual, or FamilyLanders - if “society” does not have codified and workable laws?

Believe what you will, she asked for assistance, she didn’t agree to sign away her freewill, or sign up for a new god , and it says more about those who will think, write and justify that, than it does about her.

It's also good that you notice the kind of person "she is", because as I stated in my OP, I personally don’t see this as a charitable case. Her mother and wider family clearly have the means, her core problem is her rebelliousness.

If she would simply humble and apply herself she’d have a decent chance to make a good go of things. The crusading effort here is mostly "gist and preening" and will serve mostly to enable her on her current path.


TV

ojuolu:
Even if you use a more derogatory words than "inanity", I believe it will be unwise to join issue with you on social media on something sensitive as this. I am a christian husband and father. I am also a friend and colleague to few people going through one abusive relationship or the other. One thing i am not is a bigot. When we needed to be practical in protecting lives at the brinks of destructions, we should seek for divine wisdom and sense, not the bible say or a pastor says. Let the Spirit interpret the words. God gave us eyes so that we can see dangers, brain to know dangerous situation, legs and other useful body parts so that we can avert dangers where possible and when necessary. A man or woman who died in an abusive relationship will still face judgment and don't let us start to imagine the "questions and answers session" that may take place that very day.
In as much as i do not support divorce, i will not encourage anyone, even you reading this to continue to stay in an abusive relationship (especially Physical and Emotional) in the name of one ideology or belief. We really dont have the resource or time to deal with abusive partners in this clime for now as to encourage anyone to keep holding on.
Thank you.

Your post still stands as poorly reasoned. I'll tell you why;

1. I never said anyone should stay in a dangerously abusive situation - my first post on this thread made that clear.
2. The bible is clear about the "till death do part" nature of marriage.
3. Claiming that The Holy Spirit may lead differently in individual instances, at best makes the bible meaningless, and at worst...
4. Individual responses simply means every man does what is right in his own sight - which is not actually Christian at all is it?
5. In as much as you do not support divorce, you do support it if... right? That's exactly what you are saying.
6. The Christian way is to set the right marital foundation, which will obviate any abuse, and seek remedies if it should occur.

Happy to take back the use of inanity. Likewise you can replace your use of the word bigot!


TV

I also recall OPs other post about her misadventure in SA. And, I don’t actually consider this to be a charitable case. She has a place to stay, and a wider family who she is with, and who posses some means.

But that’s me, I’m in no way seeking to inform what other people decide to do, or not do in this case. The reason I’m here is because of the, without mincing words, nauseating way some of you think you can take dictate to this woman just because you may render some assistance.

What gives you the right to control her fertility, mandate she gives her child up for adoption, or forcefully has an abortion. Who died and didn’t rise again and made any of you God? Can you even hear yourselves?

She should marry a “mature man” and relocate to Ibadan? Is this farce? And then when she acts out the destructive behaviours and the marriage is strained or potentially fails, you’ll prescribe the “7 day, 4 step program to winning back your wife”?

I mean a liability is one thing, but a loose canon, is something else entirely. Have you thought of lining up the “mature men” amongst your own kinfolk?

I guess the US coercing African countries to adopt “progressive gay-rights policies" via aid and diplomatic pressure, is a good thing then?
Who made you arbiters?

If a man or group of men sat down to make decisions around womens reproduction based on criteria they considered suitable, you’d all be up in arms, yet here you are, crowing over a woman in a mess, even if it's self-inflicted?

What objective criteria make you think you can mandate the measures you're forcefully presenting? Yet when we present no sex before marriage and intact biological homes, you rail against it and scream people are trying to impose their beliefs.

And you have all but judged her to nothingness. Yes she has, speaking delicately, been wayward and done things beyond the pale for most people, but that accords you no rights over her, or makes your anger righteous.

Neither does rendering assistance if you freely choose to do so. Be that financial or life mentoring. And Onegai, reading one or two of your post would actually suggest you may have an ulterior motive.


TV

DollyParton1:
You realise the word abuse means it is not a one off thing.

Maybe it would help if you provided a clear-cut definition of abuse. I have so far heard nothing I can consider objective and meaningful here.
If a spouse slaps there other half once, it is not abuse? Ok, what if it happens twice? What is the qualitative difference? When is it abuse?

ojuolu:
This is far from reality. Do a check. Walk in that shoe and come back and talk here.

A short, seemingly simple sentence - but packed with so much inanity, I don't even know where to start . Do we determine imperatives based on individual experiences?


TV

Bollinger:
The fact that one is being battered is enough grounds for divorce.

Remove your self from danger by all means - and I wouldn't wait for a divorce to come through before doing that. But scripturally, marriage is until death do part. You can remain separated for as long as it is wise to do so, all the while seeking healing and reconciliation.

If you cannot reconcile or choose not too, you are not free remarry as long as your spouse remains alive. That is the position whether you term it separation, living apart or legal divorce.

And for the record, the bible is clear on the conduct expected from husbands and wives - it does not allow, prescribe or condone abuse. If you are not a Christian, do as you please. Do so even if you call yourself one, but the scriptures are clear.


TV

Bollinger:
Suurrreee. Ok. I wanna see how long you can withstand being brutalized on a daily basis. Lets see how you would view the scripture as regard this. It is amazing how most barbaric acts are often justified using the bible. Smh.

...and how did I justify abuse - or any barbaric act - using the bible?


TV

Bollinger:
Are you high? I bet you won't be saying this if you were a woman.

No, I am not high, and even if I were, with time I would come down . I did not post based on my sex, but on the clear reading of scripture. Does time do anything for a slopey forehead?


TV

repogirl:
Some pastors divorce for lesser reasons, are you saying they are going to hell? Even someone like Pastor Chris Oyakhilome whose wife divorced him for irreconcilable differences?

I said nothing - simply presented a reading of scripture. Whatever any pastor - or their spouse - of any name,standing or repute amongst men does, that does not change the scriptural writ.

If you have a different reading or interpretation, feel free to present it - with reasons. And, should anyone prefer to predicate their Christian walk on the life of "pastors or their spouses", again, they are free to do so. My position remains as is, unless anyone can show otherwise.


TV

teemy:

In the midst of conflict words are subject to multiemotional interpretation.

...agreed, but we are not fighting ...although I guess OP and his missus were. Best. TV

mazazatonda:
Should i look for elsewhere or simplly divorce her?.

No & no.

Impress upon her how much it means to you, and how you would love to share the act with her - likewise learn what pleases her (and if there are reasons for any hang-ups). Continue to be a great husband, with time, hopefully. If not, continue to be a great husband . I'm serious 0!


TV

^{...what a user name}

missjo:
I'm very sorry to have quoted you earlier trying to relate your Christian values with the way you insult,talkdown,and bully people here. I was genuinely curious,but it's obvious your ego got a hit and now you can't get over it even after I wished you a lovely week.

Do have a lovely week once more.

missjo:
He may not be,however he does have insecurities.

You are a plain-faced, brown-nosing dullard, who offers little more than nuisance value!

Do have a pleasant evening


TV

^{...I learn fast and l like this game}

teemy:
tv01 depends on interpretation when he said her actions could lead to the end of the marriage. he threatened her first. imagine someone telling you that your unfriendly act of not borrowing him money could lead to the end of your friendship.

...a very generous interpretation at best . The analogy is also somewhat skewed. A better one would be; Two friends in a car. The driver is being really reckless and his friend says "if you keep driving this way, you could get us killed".

A warning, a note of caution, an alarm. Not a threat, as the possible outcome is not what he - and neither his friend, one would suppose - actually desires.


TV

Coco, whats up? No where did he threaten to end his marriage, he merely - and rightly so - pointed out how it could end if they did not fix up. He did exactly the right thing, by having an honest state of the nation" talk with his wife. Haba, are we all so jaundiced now

cococandy:
If you don't want your marriage to end, don't threaten your wife with it. Why did you bring that up if you still want the marriage? Except you wanted her to panic and start begging you because you threatened divorce. Is that why you were hurt when she called your bluff?

Both of you are immature. She gives silent treatment, you reject meals.
Fix yourself too. I don't believe it's all her fault.

teemy:
jonesy1, you threatened separation

No he did not.

Cordis92:
I'm not trying to support her or you but why threaten her that her behaviour may sever the marriage?

He didn't threaten anything.


TV

Me & Mrs Jones ...

An honest sounding - almost heart on shirtsleeve type post - great start.

The little back story you've provided sounds somewhat odd. A late 20's - still relatively young - couple, one raised in the West and the other in Nigeria. That's serious culture clashing right there; no matter how Africanised your upbringing was or butterish hers.

It also begs tons of questions, from your basic maturity, to your inherent compatibility, along with quite a few others actually. So for example, your thinking she should "go home for a few months", are you sponsoring her stay? How much a part of the "bargain" is that? How do you think that would help?

Sounds like a relatively short - or long distance - courtship, where everything went swimmingly, then straight after the wedding, gbam, a kaleidoscope of true colours .

This basically boils down to two things, how committed you are to making this work and your wife' real motive. If you are both committed regardless, but simply "acting up" it will probably hold, even if not very lovingly for a time.

If she indeed had an undisclosed agenda which involves ditching you at some point, you need God - not one of his lower ranking serfs - to intervene . In any event, a deep faith - if you possess it - can only help!

If it's the former, simply take a long-term view. Be the leader of your home, demonstrate maturity, sensitivity and the committed husband like qualities that will, over time, bring her to a place of respecting you, your union, and being secure in it.

Model exactly what you would like her to reciprocate. But do not pander or fawn over her. Do not be be swayed by, or respond to, her every emotional gambit

If it's the latter, my Boss is always available .


All the best

TV

Jonesy1:
Hi All,

Not sure where to even start so I guess its best just to jump right in.

I have been married for a year or so now. My wife was born and raised in Nigeria (Lagos). We both are in our late 20s. I was born and raised in the Canada, but currently am in the US (Consider myself Nigerian-Canadian-American lol). Since our marriage ceremony I have found many issues with my wife. I am by no means perfect, however the majority of problems we have had over the last year have been numerous and all are instigated by her. At this very moment she is in the other room and we have not spoken for a few days now because of a quarrel. Due to her immaturity she uses the cold shoulder tactic. Every few weeks, like a cycle, a petty, needless argument will lead to my wife to not speak to me for 2, 3, 4 days. Some times even a week of not speaking or barely speaking to me (she did this right before Christmas!). When I say petty I mean really useless arguments over getting her hair braided, forgetting to do something in the kitchen, etc.

Anyways, this past week I made it known during our most recent argument about her behavior that this habit of shutting herself off for days at a time over nonsense matters was poisonous to our marriage and that it, along with other immature habits I won't name, will lead to the end of our marriage. In response she says, "Good! I want it to end. I want it to burn to the fucking ground!" As you can imagine I was hurt by this comment to say the least. I told her if thats the way she feels she can return to her father house.

I am seriously considering a separation. Maybe she should return home for some months? At this moment in time I have refused to eat the meals she prepares for 2 days now. She has begged for forgiveness and I have forgiven her, but the damage has already been done. Its hard to get past hearing that someone you have sacrificed so much for can say such a thing. Even if she is angry.

Anyways sha. I know that was some long reading, but I needed somewhere to vent. Is refusing her meals petty? How do I recover from hearing something so terrible especially when we have been having ongoing issues since the beginning. Any feedback is appreciated. And please feel free to tease me as well. I could use a laugh in this moment

Timbuktou:
Great news, bruv. I pray he excels beyond your hopes. It's always comforting to see the next generation of soldiers being groomed. With the rise of foolishness, too many effete men running around these days. Send regards from me, and the Queen and Princess, of course.

Graciás - may the Lord bless us in our generations - even those yet unseen - and give us the grace to raise our sons to "quit themselves like men" and raise accomplished daughters to become the choice and cherish of such men".

TV

This can be more complicated than at first appears.

One would hope the necessity simply wouldn't be there. By reason of closeness and proximity, I have no reason to doubt the paternity of my children. Secondly, the boy has some unique characteristics passed down through our male lineage - funnily enough I didn't check with my daughter.

If one has any reason to suspect, then how will you have peace if you don't verify? As was mentioned, not just for cheating, but for swaps, which actually happen to criminal order sometimes - https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/jun/02/el-salvador-british-man-and-wife-in-baby-swap-ordeal-take-son-home.

Our new femcentric era in the West has made inroads even here. In some countries - most notably France - a man cannot DNA test his supposed offspring, without approval from the mother.

I've actually heard of cases where the result was "not yours mate" be he was still ordered to provide for the child till they turned 18 .


TV

Timbuktou:
Maybe he's trying to solicit offerings? . You can't upset the people's feelz too much.

Maybe offerings = "Likes"; sadder than I imagined .

On another note, my man started school this past September. He's doing so well I'm made up. Chip off the old block


TV

Timbuktou:
Baba, which one be husband-rustler again? .

Back in the wild west, the sentence for rustling - horses or cattle - was capital. Even if we no longer stone them, they shouldn't be allowed in polite company - not to mention casually taking the scriptures into their "chop and clean" mouths

Timbuktou:
Per Adegbulu, he did seem biased toward women, which is why I'd assumed he actually is in support of divorce. I just gave him the benefit of the doubt of trying to pass the message indirectly. Sort of him playing devil's advocate, no pun intended.

You shouldn't have retracted - he subtly hinted at it - or made it ambiguous - 5 time on the first page alone. Like I said, wolf. Pickabeau1 put it best, Christianity and feminism are like oil and water. He best choose who he wants to serve and do it wholeheartedly.

Timbuktou:
OLAADEGBU, I ask again, what makes TV an abuser? Or does he have to argue the Bible apologetically like you seem to be doing. Seeming to not have confidence in what you espouse?

I'm an abuser because I make no bones about presenting the bible as I truly believe it - even if wrong, I am happy to be challenged. Note how he has not made one reference to scripture. Baba nla feel good preacher .


TV

Timbuktou:
You and TV have the same beliefs from what I know of you both, at least as regards divorce, and your comments on this thread. Referring to him as an abuser because he approaches the topic dispassionately is womanly. Is there anything he has said that you do not believe in? If so, please it/them out.

On the face of it maybe, but in action Olaadegbu is neither fish nor fowl. He knows the truth of Gods word. No divorce, but he ardently desires the approval of the unrepentant serial divorcees and fornicators who have swarmed this thread, hence him not making that assertion ab initio.

Instead making it sound like divorce is a solution to the nebulously framed "abuse" he presented. Wolf in sheeps clothing . What Ola should have done - if not for his love of applause & validation from men - is too have made the biblical position clear, and presented biblically based criteria to avoid abuse foundationally, or remedy it should it occur post nuptials.

Now he's stuck, so he's making it personal - don't they all - trying to paint me as an abuser . After I clearly stated that abuse has no place in a Christian marriage, and should not actually be found in any well-constituted union. Let me go and bring pictures

TV01:
You are still flailing about trying to make sense of this. Firstly, a Christian marriage built on the right foundations will not have such serious issues. Non-Christian marriages sef.

TV01:
...and following, is there any Chriistian writ to marry or conduct marriage with abuse as a subtext ?

TV01:
Are you irretrievably dull ? What you wrote up there is akin to saying "my bank doesn't allow overdrafts, therefore it's ok to steal" . Let me ask you - does the bible permit or condone abuse?

TV01:
If abuse - as opposed to low level conflict - occurs in a marriage, spouses should seek immediate resolution. Even low level conflict should not be a feature of a healthy marriage, let alone a christian one. Love & submission. How hard is that ?

OLAADEGBU:
More evidence that you are not only an abuser but also a bully. Answer the question and move on. Is abuse scriptural?

I've heard you that the bible does not permit dissolution of a consummated marriage but are you a true Christian? Do you abuse your spouse?

Querying my marriage - The serial divorcee and husband rustler he smooches with, and embraces the ignorant fornicator. Ask missjo for the spade when she's done!


TV

RiloKiley:
Tv01, Timbuktou, crackhaus.

Our lived experience and years of received wisdom cannot be denied . No woman has ever listed "chore expert" as a must in a potential spouse .

If chores being done by the man are as a result of his or his wife' push for equality, then danger. Women do not generally want equals, they want bosses .

If it's a man who delivers in terms of his masculinity who makes a freewill decision to be involved - seeing them not as chores, but him running his household - nothing spoil. In fact, his wife will look up to him all the more, and know she better not slack as he no send .


TV

Timbuktou:
This sounds like something that would come out if the mouth of a woman or someone whose capacity for logic is zero.

...a dimwit with gender dysphoria

OLAADEGBU:
Show you what?

What you are on about? What your point is. Is divorce permitted scripturally - for any reason? What is the scriptural response to "abuse" - of any kind?

OLAADEGBU:
That is the case. Those who trivialise abuse in marriage are only showing themselves to be domestic abusers.

...oh dearie me...I'm going to have to get the pictures out

OLAADEGBU:
Are you TV's spokesman/woman? Let TV deny that he hasn't trivialised abuse and then I may entertain him as I deem fit.

...it is you who has trivialised marriage - which is till death do part - according to the bible. By seeming to suggest that divorce should be allowed for abuse - playing to the gallery of the "worship ma feelins" crowd .

Knowing what the bible says, and being unable to refute or respond affirming your implicit suggestion, in the face of the sound exegesis you have been hose-piped with , you are now trying to claim "trivialisation". It's the old "has God truly said" ruse. It will not work here .

The bible does not permit dissolution of a consummated marital union for any reason. True Christians will not abuse their spouses - in the event of "problems", they will seek, forgiveness, healing and restoration, not divorce.

You know full well the bible does not permit divorce, but you pivoted your OP on divorce. Not the basis of solid marriages at foundation, how to ensure unions are robust, or remedies for abuse, incipient or aggravated.

That's why you got lots of applause from assorted "feelins chasers" and twice divorced husband snatchers - which is presumably what you were after . You have craftily questioned the holy writ, debased true marriage, pushed divorce and valorised abuse. Shame on you .

You entertain me? You are for my amusement. I'm toying with you - although fast tiring of that .


TV

nickxtra:
My brothers and sisters, i think am contemplating of what action to take against her and am contemplating a divorce, but our two children are still very small for this. I want to report this issue to her family and mine. Am gradually withdrawing my trust for her.

I need matured advice and suggestions that will see me through this.

Hi Nick,

Sorry to hear your plight. Your wife has broken trust - and in a way that could have affected the fundamentals of your decision to marry her. Please forgive her, strongly impress upon her the kind of openness and honesty you expect in your relationship, and help her work towards it by showing her you are committed to her come what may. Do not take this issue to any outside parties.

Lies & betrayal can come much worse than this - more later. She was attractive enough for you to marry and not suspect anything. Work with her to ensure she retains her youthfulness - do likewise yourself. Continue to delight in her physically. Hopefully your sexual journeys will perfectly align.

Thank you for putting your children first,but I'm actually asking you to put your wife first regardless. I sense you believe - be that Godly man.


******************************************************************************************************************

The basic/carnal women will lie about inter-alia;

The length, volume and even origin of her hair
The fullness and curve of her eyebrows
The plumpness and shape of her lips
The perkiness of her breasts
Her looks generally, and her height and weight
The flatness of her tummy and the narrowness of her waist
The "sticky-outiness" of her bottom
The length and leanness of her legs
Her shoe size - hence the numerous callouses and bunions
The number of lovers she has had
The number of abortions she has performed
How many children she has - if she actually tells at all
How many friends she has, how in demand she is, the men after her, her job
She'll lie about how good a person she is, how loyal, how committed and how hard-working
She'll lie about why she got divorced, why she stole her friends man

She'll lie to herself about how the lies are actually good, for the best and really a form of "attenuated truth"
She'll not only overlook, she'll actually support the lies of other women at a "group" level, for that validates and justifies her own lies (manifold examples on this thread alone)

Oga, if that's the only thing, you actually got off pretty lightly


TV

missjo:
It was a simple question,but now that I see you going on the defensive and finding a way to still talk down on me before getting to type 50 complete words, is just sad to be honest.

Again I ask,is this the Christian way?

There is simply no pleasing some people is there?? . I answered you in a way that fully met the expectations you set out; bullying, insulting and down talking - and you still aren't happy .

You opened by making unfounded and unsubstantiated allegations against me and then claim I went on the defensive . You are? Like I said, you don't have the heft.

What makes you think you have the right to pose questions or demand answers of me. If you aren't a Christian what's it to you? If you are, you should know. Orishi rishi up in here presenting an ersatz spirituality. If you have nothing cogent to say, here's a spade, feel free to disappear up your own fundament .

I continue to deliver


TV

soonest:
Is this topic about feminism? Are those wanting out because of spousal abuse also feminist.

If I wish to introduce feminism, I am free to do so. Likewise, you are free to ignore or refute . Having said that, nowadays, whether you accept it or not, the feminist narrative is one that usually colours discussions of this nature. I actually made that point, likening it to how the right to abortion willfully murder ones unborn child is presented. Is that clear? It's about the narrative, not any individual.

soonest:
@ the bolded, ain't you trying to be smart? You know the abuse being discussed in this thread is physical abuse so I don't get where this is coming from. Except you are unto something else.

Me, trying to be smart . Fightin' talk - Me likey .

Physical abuse? Nope, the OP started by mentioning abuse - without any qualification - and cited it as a reason for divorce. He went further to categorise 4 - also alluding to a number of other - types of abuse. Next time please come along with your reading glasses and comprehension smarts .


TV

Sparklequeen:
what of domestic abuse? and if someone doesn't have money to file for a divorce, what is her Fate or another option?

If abuse - as opposed to low level conflict - occurs in a marriage, spouses should seek immediate resolution. Even low level conflict should not be a feature of a healthy marriage, let alone a christian one. Love & submission. How hard is that ?

If abuse is escalating or serious, endangered party should seek to remove themselves from the situation, seek the right help, and if necessary remain separated for their well-being, until such time as the situation is resolved.

Divorce does not save one from abuse, it can take years to process a divorce. Lots of domestic, indeed more domestic abuse occurs between "unmarried couples". Domestic abuse is not an inherent feature of marriage.

If after all efforts a resolution to effect reconciliation cannot be found, you can remain separated, but you cannot remarry. Christian marriage is until death do part. Any subsequent "union" whilst the spouse is still alive is adultery.

I know huh? Shine eye, look well, choose wisely and enter the institution with the requisite sobriety. Christianity is not for flakes, marriage is not for the faint-hearted.


TV

dominique:
Nothing or no one can ever break the bond between mother and child. Your wife can never love you more than her child, sorry about that

...and this is an endorsement for marrying single mothers

So what reasonable man will not hesitate before marrying a woman who loves her child - by another man - more than him? Another reason why single mothers are avoided is because they are usually looking for provision and protection for their child/ren first and a husband second.

It makes all the difference if the child in question is actually yours. Her love and your efforts are going on your child, not someone elses.

People are free to make their own decisions, but ATBE there is greater risk. Simples. If you can live with it and deal with any fallout, by all means.

Does anyone even talk about marrying virgins any more ?


TV