₦airaland Forum

yetseyi:
I believe that if one is a good/true christain ( well the definition of christainity that has been so bastardized nowadays) one should be able to have a good marriage.

Christainty is not just about going to church alone, a true christain should not be selfish, a true christain should place the needs of others, a true christain should be honest etc etc, these are just the basics for relating with the people we meet everyday not even about the marital relationship, so many marital-woe stories have we read on nairaland that is simply based on a partners selfishness.

Being a christain in itself may not guarantee a happy marriage but living like a true christain with biblical precepts will guarantee a happy marriage.

I'm running out of stars 0!

tearoses:
Some people are genuine Christians and when I say genuine, they clearly do love God, but their marriages are breaking down because they are not using applying common sense and simply expect everything to work fine because they are following Gods word.

There is a brother who spends all his time doing Gods work, 7 days a week. He wont delegate cos he wants it perfect. No one wants to work with him either.
His family are suffering and everyone can see it except him. He cant understand why he and his wife are always at loggerheads.
He is not using sense.
Yet he is a good Christian.
The wife fasting and praying for 100 days is a good Christian, but what if she is married to Christian man who is at that level?
The "my pastor said", people are another set of people who love God and their pastor, but not all spouses want every minute detail of their marriages in the pastors ear.

Even if we accommodate the people described as good Christians, it's clear that they are being wrong-headed in ways that are damaging their unions, and not taking sound counsel on-board. Being a Christian does not sanctify destructive behaviour, it should rid one of it.

The 7 day a week brother sounds more religious than spiritual IMO, and the work like church work, not Gods, let's be clear. People who are not Christians have great marriages if they are committed and caring. How hard is that?


TV

missjo:
I don't think she should be spending money without care and still demanding her name appears on documents,it comes off as leeching.

Two different issues. Spouses should always practice and be held to high levels of financial prudence. Property acquired during marriage - and in many cases even before - becomes marital or community property. The 2 issues are not mutually dependent or some how interwoven.

And it's wrong of the man to think of it as "his home". Its their home, or the family home. "Bachelor pad" mentality .


TV

baldman:
You people have almost succeeded in derailing this thread. I think there should be a special thread for people who want to fight and or throw banters.

How far? Any news...things can happen in an instant .

No vex about the derailing bro'. Truth is, if it was about your matter alone, the thread will probably slip of the radar. The trick is to ensure your issue gets the required attention despite the commotion.


Best
TV

freecocoa:
I wanted to see but I didn't is what I'm saying ni, like I'd contact someone outside here just to see pics, duh! My own amebo never reach like that, especially not for your pics, I know say you no go fine so no need to run around too much.

We agree you desired to see , I merely pointed out that someone said she'd be sending them to you . Are you claiming the volunteer "sharer" has a higher level of gbeborunism?

Lesson 1 girl, men don't need to be fine to be attractive to women and score quality spouses. As a jibe against them it fails .

freecocoa:
My spec, hmm, my spec no be here o, you sure you wanna know?

Well I have a good idea of what you are working with, so an idea of what you really want will help us chart a path for "bridging" the gap - which I can tell from your palpable frustration is quite wide .

Let me see if I can find as yet unseen pics - just for you .


TV

Knuckbuck, hi.

I'm sorry to hear abut your predicament - one that has the potential to do lasting damage to all the members of your immediate family. However, I am heartened by what seems a very real faith and true desire for restoration of your home. I will advise on that basis.

This is not oju lasan matter - not merely by the seeing of the eye. I'm pleased that you cottoned onto that. Put God front and centre. Pray like never before, and if you have 1 or 2 close and pious people close to you please get them to stand with you on this. I am not advising that you tell all and sundry, or share this with everyone.

Second here, do not allow emnity or bitterness for your wife to build up - this may get worse before it gets better - but don't seed anything now that will make restoration harder or potentially precipitate a split. Even if only deep down, cherish her somewhat. I repeat, she is not the enemy, in some ways, even your MIL isn't.

Having said that, you have to be as wise as serpent. The family court system in the west is largely designed to punish men, even when they have no fault.

Her restraining order tactic was standard fare. Do not be lured into using physical or verbal violence. I don't know what your sleeping arrangements are, but beware.

Defend yourself, do your utmost to legally squeeze her cash, although credit companies are usually willing to lend huge amounts to just about anyone .

Remain strong at work. Keep tight with the kids and try and shield them as much as possible from their mothers behaviour and the divorce action. Be upright in all your dealings - with everyone, and particularly in this case.

I believe in due time her eyes will clear, and the evil will be clearly exposed. What I can't tell is how much damage will have been done by that time. I pray the Lord will give you the grace to deal with it and find real healing and restoration.


TV

^{...wannaweds, KYS - know your spouse, there are reasons we have traditionally been wary of people with certain backgrounds. Never commit to anyone who has not demonstrated that once married, you come before any other relationship. And don't feel misgivings about giving everyone esle distance, and proactivley marginalising or removing those who could impair your union. Reduce your risk as much as possible upfront}

tearoses:
Coach TV01 please advise a brother.

Mindfulness:
I am ignoring you, you are quoting me. Your obsession is not new. You need help.

Hypocrisy should be written on your forehead. You insult other people's families and you spread lies. No problem. I am used to Christians who preach water but drink wine.

Ugly, old man.

...lies , Specialty talent of husband snatchers and desperate single mothers. Along with deception and fantasy . How many and what type of person have joined your campaign ?

Happy, with a wife more beautiful than your genes could ever express - so I suppose that's not really your fault is it - and cute as button kids. Not bad for an ugly guy .

Yeah, my obsession with you led me to harvest your pictures from the internet, spend weeks talking about them and sharing them with your equally loser buddies .


TeeVee

Mindfulness:
Church man who poses in undies on the internet still craving my attention. I don't do ugly dudes so fvck off.

Who was talking to you ? No, you don't do ugly, you do cheap, second-hand and stolen husbands .


TV

jbcul4ril:
Research has showed that retired wayward ladies keep their home more than most spiritually covered ladies.

...I couldn't hep myself


TV

No such empirical/longitudinal studies really exist - after all, it would be unethical to conduct them wouldn't it . What we have are a number of ideologically based, clearly biased exercises designed to make this point, and not the good or necessity of properly modulated corporal punishment.

I'd place a large wager on those categorically agreeing with this of never having given birth and raised children. Especially the responses that are laughably hyperbolic .

Keep on studying - or was it a C&P job? - those who live in the real world will keep on parenting


TV

ItuExchange:
I say this as someone who was spanked as a child AND someone who has studied child psychology:

Please, please don't spank your children.

Corporal punishment teaches children to fear getting caught-- they learn to avoid punishment by whatever means necessary. This includes lying and hiding their misdeeds.

Many, many studies of child development have found that corporal punishment is ineffective at instilling internal morality and socially acceptable behavior in children. Children who are spanked are statistically more likely to misbehave when they think that they won't get caught.

If you want to teach children to make good choices, there are hundreds of better ways. Here's a few tips:

Never discipline a child while you are angry. Angry parents don't always make good decisions. You want the child to learn from their actions, not capitulate to appease your anger. Take a moment to calm down if you need it.

Remove them from the situation. If child throws a tantrum at the supermarket, you can take them outside to calm down.

Impose natural consequences. If the child leaves their toys outside overnight, their toys get ruined.

Set rules for behavior and explain the consequences you will impose beforehand. "We always pick up our toys before dinner. If there are still toys on the floor after I ask you to clean them up, I will put them in this box and you won't have them for 1 day."

Talk to the child
Listen to the child's explanation: "I wanted the toy, and sister wouldn't give it to me so I pushed her."

Explain the rule: "It's our rules that we ask nicely for a turn and wait, and that we only use nice touches."

Explain how they violated the rules: "You didn't wait for sister to give you the toy, and you used a not-nice touch."

Help them plan out better behavior: "What should you have done instead? Sister is feeling hurt that you pushed her. What should you do now?"

Implement the plan: "Sister, I'm sorry for pushing you. Next time, I'll ask how long until I can have the toy. Can I play with the toy in 10 minutes?"

Source: https://www.quora.com/Do-you-believe-in-spanking-your-children

Neteller here: www..com.ng

freecocoa:
Didn't join any club and I still haven't seen the pictures o, seems like this is you wanting to show them to me, oya post biko, I am waiting, who knows, I just may consider what you've been gunning for.

...ah! Free, you can lie

freecocoa:
Why do I always miss the good stuff? Somebody please show me those pics.

freecocoa:
Me sef must see that pic o, I die on this thread.

Mindfulness:
You got it!

...at which point you saw the pic/s, realised there were no flies on TV, and were like " , I cannot say shi-shi against his hotness" - and went silent on the thread...and "I really need to ratchet up my own levels" . Which brings us full circle, I am here to help, both in that, and what I am gunning for. .

But make I no jonz a jonzer. Your spec please

tearoses:
I read somewhere that bald men have more testosterone

Ball'head men and hairy wimmin' I hear .


TV

yetseyi:
I am curious, why a non-choir member

Choirs tend to be a hot-spot for egos and some kind funny practices in church - in my experience. Wifeys singing can kill but not revive .

yetseyi:
5 star from oga TV I am humbled oo.

Don't be, it was a spot on post. I liked the encouragement, sound advice, practical pointers and particularly the matter of fact way you spoke about virginity. it tells me a few things about you. Kudos. Take one more sef .

baldman:
@TV01: Thanks for sharing those insights. I always appreciate your guidance.

You are more than welcome, and I am more than happy too. Godspeed on your quest.

Timbuktou:
OP, don't come near this one o. I can vouch for her. Na area scatter be dis.

. Freecocoa, tender your own list na, maybe we can help. I sense your aspirations rocketed since you joined the picture sharing club


TV

CoCoLav:
Women actually give themselves nicknames. My friends first words on the phone are always chicken legs or fat head

Another starts with Ode

I'm sure there are instances. I still think it's mostly a male thing. Women tend to use generic and affectionate names like "babe", "hun". Even on NL how many female monikers are not "pretty, diva, fab, luscious, babe, coco something or other"? and for long-term intimate relationships I think that actually works best. My take is that men take more readily to "derogatory familiarity", that's being suggested here.

I'm all for teasing and even joshing, just done with lot's of affection, fun and sensitivity.


TV

@ShineyDome

You have every right to define exactly what you want in a wife, To do otherwise is actually irresponsible, and at best careless. I would advise predicating your list on a strong faith - conduct yourself righteously, pray, speak to The Lord about it keep your eyes peeled. Do not abdicate your responsibility to any MOG/WOG.

Key is non-negotiables, i.e. marrying outside the faith. I believe over time God will mould you, reconsider some of your criteria, reset some of your attitudes, and bring you to a place of accepting someone who is right for you. And although she may not match your list exactly at last, she will be the one.

I also wanted a "non-choir member, firebrand prayer warrior" , but my wife was more a traditional Anglican. But it means we are not embroiled in church drama, socialise only in "church people society", or that I have a wife whose main refrain is "my pastor says". A blessed relief tome.

Sometimes we don't always know whats best at outset, even though we desire it. But God leads and the fruit is in the eating. And please expect some work - for you both - when it comes together. Marriage is a crucible of sorts, and a ministry. One purpose it serves is to actually grow you.

All the very best in your sincerity - you have brought your hopes here, may they be fulfilled to the glory of God, with testimony also here.


TV

^{...ps - baldman,I hope you don't come across as tired...it won't help...be of confident bearing}


I found this post so meaningful in relation to OP, I'm 5* starring it. Really good piece. Thank you.

yetseyi:
Baldman, may you find what you seek.

https://www.nairaland.com/2988873/single-want-start-solid-christian

The link above was opened too by one Christian guy, you can go through it and join their group you may find your specs.

You will surely find what you are looking for although it may not be total package you expect. You didn't put your genotype which I think a lot of people will consider before even contacting you at all, kindly edit your post to include genotype.




Yeah its very possible, I know people personally even above that age and its even male and female. Even those that are engaged gan at age 31 male 27 for female within that range.

Why do people think virgins are hard to find, they are everywhere now haba, you just need to walk with the right people and you will be shocked, just because there's moral decadence doesn't mean everybody is having sex.



Honestly, I don't see what's wrong with the list, since you are born again you should also pray.

Playful relationships? Yes, absolutely yes!

But using derogatory or abusive language does not necessarily equate to playful. Early on I told my wife I thought it was a bad idea - as a matter of policy !

I think it's easy for the use of such words to become embedded - without ever meaning to. I also think they can be dropped at inappropriate times - totally unintentionally - that may cause hurt.

I also think a man is more likely to drop one unthinkingly, and a woman is more likely to take one at face value, when no hurt was intended. Long/short, I believe women are a tad more sensitive. I know I've said things that "touched" without meaning to, how much more with words specifically designed to hurt?

Funny enough, this type of "dissing banter" is more characteristic of males. Notice how women don't give themselves nicknames, and men do, usually derogatory/funny ones like jughead etc?

I know it's each couple to their own, but I think it helps to accord your spouse that honour and lends an air of "special", no to pedestalise one another though.. I have pledged in my heart never to use foul language, raise my voice or my hand to my wife. So far, so good...but women, they can test you eh!


TV

...see what I am bringing 0, fine girl. Where is this yeye boy??


TV

Seahawk:
Barely 3 months? Dude pls. Been here longer than you. Currently serving a ban. Keep going and you'll get a hang of who it is. Can't state it boldly so I don't get banned on this one too. Those politics MODs have zero chills.

Yea but you do that tv01. You do. And it's not Christ-like. You can be condescending even before your opponent insults you. And one would think that since you're the ambassador of Christ on this section, you wouldn't retaliate in kind let alone be the aggressor.

If it's all in good fun like I'm sensing this exchange is, then it's cool but at more serious times, you've derided persons and made mockery of their situation as single moms. So don't say you haven't.


Next time add shaved coconut bits to your porridge. You'll thank me.

...identify yourself or provide examples. Otherwise I can't really take you seriously, and only infer that you are running interference for the protagonists here. Thanks for the tip, but I can't rightly see what coconut bits would add atop coconut milk.

I don't spare blasphemers, but see how politely I ask people to find their way


TV

kaboninc:
Is that TV?

...if you ask TV, who should know, or any other reasonable person, yes it is. But ask the cackling pack and they may claim it's an anorexic chicken wearing a thong, at a cheap resort in a "shitty" part of Turkey .

Timbuktuo:
Repent from what exactly? Repent from stating a general truth? Just because people are hurt by stating facts does not negate said facts, and certainly doesn't mean said facts shouldnt be stated.

Another one running interference for the pack. Polymonikering for cover...SM and or ole foe who still has difficulty sitting comfortably .


TV

Seahawk:
@highlighted, yes you have. Many times.

Unless you're saying you repent henceforth.

I always discuss policy, not people. I do not single out individuals and am always willing to discuss. If I am attacked as a result of my position, I will certainly throw punches back - boxer .

Please show me - and during your barely 3 months on NL where I have done as you claimed.

Hyaenidae pack, breakfast is ready for you when you return from your early morning shift work - aka "gburu" .


TV

^{...jumbo porridge oats in coconut milk, with raisins, banana and honey. All ingredients organic where available.}

5minsmadness:
Undeniably mature.
Both sides should sheath their swords.

May seem that way at first glance, but in context and set against the narrative, it's a bare-faced attempt to shield her mentor. My ish here is families. Strong healthy families. I am not shy to say intact marriages & biological children is optimal for society.

I am, as a matter of principle - and amongst other things - against willful single motherhood & divorce, along with the allied evils of covenant breaking, home wrecking, and husband snatching. I have always spoken in general terms, I have not said SM should not be supported if need be, or the other sins cannot be forgiven, nor have I singled out any individual.

However, Crybaby and Mindlessness take offence that I don't validate and celebrate their lifestyle choices and refute their efforts to sell them as good/holy. Hence they want me arrested and silenced . It's not going to happen .

Especially if the best they can do is obsess over my pee-pee and form a picture sharing club for my photos .

MizMyColi:
The moment we feel a need to highly defend an entity or human, it is a sign of insecurity.....no matter how minute, deep-seated and masked.

You always "over-try" to sound spiritually deep . Your ideology, or perhaps your grasp of it is flawed. I wasn't defending her, I was showing her off. It wasn't insecurity, it was simply overweening pride and smugness . Men/people who are insecure about their wives/spouses hide them. My Gem, my trophy...Ma.Ma ...Charge me with the right crimes please


TV

bennyrazz:
TV01, when a man goes to the river to bathe and in the process of bathing inside the water a mad man comes out from nowhere and pick the clothes of the bathing man on the floor, will the man bathing in the river run after the mad man that picked his clothes? the obvious answer should be yes because if the man runs after the mad man, when people see them, they will call them two mad people because one person is naked.

You should already know the antics of some women in this section.

Some of them are suffering from perimenopause, that's why they act the way they do. It is for you to discern and know who to reply and who not to reply. Cheers

I hear you sir. Just letting their poison spread and their lies take hold is dangerous. I will lay this to rest soon and resume my main ministry .


TV

shaybebaby:
just because you walked past the sign is not proof you stayed IN it. lol

Weave lies around your own pathetic existence, weave lies around the lives of those who don't validate your poor lifestyle choices and specialise in modelling primark knockdowns - in bad weaves . https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primark

shaybebaby:
When he mentioned his holiday destinations, I knew the geezer was not British like he claimed.
Jamaica, Gambia, turkey. All visa free for nigerian passport holders

And yeah, I worked in travel, turkey was where we sent people on a budget, out of the euro zone with their lira. Even at that, I want to know where in turkey he stayed because from the name, I'll know if it's shittier parts.

*modified, you need for turkey and Jamaica.

...apart from catering...and like dish-washing catering 0, not even waitressing - is there a lower paying industry?
Single mums and poverty, are like, well, like single mums and lies http://www.reed.co.uk/average-salary.

You will know decoding . Where are the rest of your pack

TV

^{...recanting and modifying...until I show you my passport abi .}

shaybebaby:
Well that would be because he went to Dalaman, the shittiest area or Marmaris.

He can't afford Side, where the lagoon is, Antalya nor Belek with their lush resorts.

He did manage a trip to Dunns river falls in Jamaica though ( the pic at the waterfall with that white bird in it).

See what I mean that I can decode where he is at in life not by what he says but from the clues in his write-ups.

I just have to live my wonderful life to put into perspective how wretched yours is...and generate more "in yo head" lies

Google the resort. No wait, I'll do it for you - https://www.tripadvisor.com/Hotel_Review-g297962-d557049-Reviews-s1-Barut_Lara-Antalya_Turkish_Mediterranean_Coast.html - look carefully, you may find our review

You, decode my life? Straggly haired moose. My life is an open book . Oya, form another lie.


TV

shaybebaby:

It was fun, who knows.. The man might come back to post more pictures.

...the whole weekend discussing another mans genitals, presumably you discussed them with your-ex like you did my fundament

In my boxing days, when I had a big fight coming up, I'd focus on it for days, running things through in my head. I know that kind of fixation tends to lead to dreams in the night...

Lovely time yesterday. Was in your neck of the woods actually - Olympic park with family friends and children. You were obviously busy here with the other protagonists . Have any respectably married women (or men) joined your cause, or is it the same pack of hyaenidae

Off to the gym, will be back shortly to factually and evidentially debunk your lies - pretty much every post. You have more than proved the OP;

Single mothers lie. And they LIE ALL THE TIME. They lie to men about their age, their height, their weight, how many kids they have, the job they do. On top of the lies they tell to others They lie to themselves. They lie about about how beautiful they are. They lie telling themselves they’re still a catch. They lie telling themselves they still have a chance with a good man. They lie telling themselves that their lives will be happily ever after one day. The horrible truth is without those lies most of those single mothers would realize how pathetic their lives are.

I will also be posting pix

Meal for champions. 10'000 metre row, followed by 3-egg omelette, sweet potato, black-eye beans and red bream in pepper stew.

TV

^{Viewers discretion is advised. My posting does not constitute an invitation to any form of solicitation, and TV will not take responsibility for any ensuing relationship problems, obsessions, day or night time dreams, or any other upheaval. There is no need for a secondary market as all pictures have been previously posted and are availavble on request}

MizMyColi:
You posted pictures of your wife in a bid to assert that she is far better than them

...eerrr she is

MizMyColi:
I imagine that Mindy doesn't exactly feel good that she stooped to body shaming or ridiculing you

Duh! You can't body shame a confident man - let alone a super-fit confident man

I'll free you because you were complimentary towards my wife . Way to late for a detailed response. Crybaby and Mindlessness know their places - left & right . Next time if you wish to judge, judge equitably.


TV

shaybebaby:
By the way, TV01 marriage advocate, your help is needed on a thread o
I'll summarise;
He cheats
He cannot pay the fees for kids education
He physically abuses her

And the cherry on the cake....

He Bedwets!

So please if we could have your masterful insight detailing the solution to each issue. Grazie tutto!

...don't you think it a little wierd having a conversation about me and asking and answering your own questions, whilst building your own narrative . Y'all are like a warm up act . Oh I forgot - authorised hype-masters. But don't let it get too obsessive, it's starting to feel a little bit creepy .

I'm out of advice for tonight. In any event,there's no link you dullard.

But, I'm not out of pix ...one more going up at 23.30 before I retire. Curator ready


TV

...continued. And I'll tackle specifics here, and share a little on how I handled this.

RiloKiley:
Having the same issue with my wife. Love her and all but the sex is waaaay below par. Strangely enough, she was an Olympian in bed pre-marriage. I talked and talked, raged and pleaded, did all the house chores I could lay my hands on, dialed up the romance settings and talked some more. All with little improvement.

Almost universally women will advise you to apply this technique, and I'm sure they are very well intentioned, but due to a vested interest and blind spot, they hardly ever see, or understand why this advice can only work in very few instances, or like you've noted yield disappointingly meagre results.

It's typically 1 of 3 broad things; 1. Attraction, 2. Libido, 3. Situational trauma, or possibly a combo. That determines your approach. This sounds like 2/3, and includes things like illness, pregnancy/birth, hormonal changes, increased stress etc. I'm presuming it's not in any way 1. related,based on what you've said.

RiloKiley:
I finally resolved within myself that she was telling the truth when she said one day that after our first kid the urge in her withered. I decided to ignore her and see how long she could go. It wasnt easy .I've studied her and have tabulated her sexual needs at once in six weeks, as in , after six weeks she starts throwing me subtle hints and green light. As for me, I'm a tri-weekly fellow, and I think that's not too much.

I'm happy that you've communicated with, and trust your wife. And also studied her. As I posted in the linked thread, you ultimately have to reach a compromise, and this is where the work and commitment come in.

You may not become a 6 weekly man anytime soon, and it's unlikely that she get's to thrice a week in the near term . But what you have to do is find ways and possibly a key to help her ramp it up and possibly introduce variation so that you get more frequent release along with the less frequent romps.

I've been there. I made a comment earlier on this thread; note the subscript - https://www.nairaland.com/1582623/boys-night-out-discussions/53#30649405

It was a traumatic birth, the second, and I knew my wife would need time. No problem, I was happy to give her all the time she needed. It's marriage right? In it for the long-haul. But after a while, and far longer than after the first, things weren't progressing as I would have liked.

So I met it head on. You have too. heard her out about how she felt and what she thought. After the first birth,things returned to normal without me getting to the point of being concerned, after the second, she was finding it that much harder and the appetite just wasn't there. The changes can be wide-ranging.

The physical ones, made little difference to me, if anything I loved her more. Then it hit me, I realised she had to get to a place like we were on honeymoon, Feeling good, sexy, desirable. I applied a slight variation of the model I apply to men - specifically around exercise.

It took a while, and there were other adjustments, but starting with a personal trainer - it couldn't be me I'm too hard a taskmaster - she worked her way up to 4 sessions a week. The transformation was amazing.

Long/short, she's back firing on all cylinders, is more proactive and surprises me occasionally. We often sneak off work Fridays as the children are in nursery - just to catch up on sleep 0 !

It's still a different setting to before kids, but we work with that, you simply have to. Work with her to get as closely back to that optimum state. Whatever it takes, but the key is figuring out what that is. Medical, physical, situational, relational, etc.

And of course you both have to want it and be ready to work at it. And, the point I keep coming back to, if you don't both feel the other and the relationship are worth it, whence the motivation?

We went to a party recently and the woman next to my wife spent a lot of time bonding with her. Afterwards she said she hoped I appreciated my wife, how good she looked and all the effort she made. I just laughed .

All the best. Don't look outside, look inward. All you need is there. Trophy wife by fire by force .

RiloKiley:
I worry sometimes if this is how we r going to be until....whenever. But I guess everyone has their issues and no marriage is perfect.

I think the ladies on here hate to admit it, but they just don't have the same sexual libido as us guys. Inasmuch as they crave romance which I don't think its a bad thing in itself, it behoves them to realize that we men are wired different and are highly tempted to go outside if we can't find our sexual satisfaction indoors.

For any lady reading this. Its good to make love. It's good to give and receive romance. But for goodness sake once in a while help your husband and just have sex with him, whether u are romantically inclined to do so or not. Take it as your sacrifice and know it benefits both of you on the long run. Don't be selfish with your bodies. Help us out. We men hate rejection too and being rejected over and over and over again, well, there's just so much any man, trustworthy or not, can take.

Thanks.

True talk, but good luck with the vested interest and blind spots.


TV

tearoses:
https://www.nairaland.com/3150116/husband-selfish

Just saw this
Coach TV, dayo, Rilokley........

...Holá CC...had a quick look at the OP...limited time tonight, and I haven't actually finished on this thread. So first, how are you? Hope it's all ranka dede . Secondly, she just has to say and explain, a man who cares and is committed as noted in point 3 above will give ear to his wife. If he doesn't her problem is fundamentally deeper than a sexually unaware man, and she will have to fix this underlying problem first. Indeed, the sexual issue may resolve itself ass a consequence. ALthough to me, a problem with 3., foundation, is always more worrying.


TV

RiloKiley:
Having the same issue with my wife. Love her and all but the sex is waaaay below par. Strangely enough, she was an Olympian in bed pre-marriage. I talked and talked, raged and pleaded, did all the house chores I could lay my hands on, dialed up the romance settings and talked some more. All with little improvement. I eventually started looking outside but my conscience tends to get in the way. I finally resolved within myself that she was telling the truth when she said one day that after our first kid the urge in her withered. I decided to ignore her and see how long she could go. It wasnt easy .I've studied her and have tabulated her sexual needs at once in six weeks, as in , after six weeks she starts throwing me subtle hints and green light. As for me, I'm a tri-weekly fellow, and I think that's not too much.

I worry sometimes if this is how we r going to be until....whenever. But I guess everyone has their issues and no marriage is perfect.

I think the ladies on here hate to admit it, but they just don't have the same sexual libido as us guys. Inasmuch as they crave romance which I don't think its a bad thing in itself, it behoves them to realize that we men are wired different and are highly tempted to go outside if we can't find our sexual satisfaction indoors.

For any lady reading this. Its good to make love. It's good to give and receive romance. But for goodness sake once in a while help your husband and just have sex with him, whether u are romantically inclined to do so or not. Take it as your sacrifice and know it benefits both of you on the long run. Don't be selfish with your bodies. Help us out. We men hate rejection too and being rejected over and over and over again, well, there's just so much any man, trustworthy or not, can take.

Thanks.

This may be of necessity a longish one, I like to cover for those heading for matrimony as well as those already in it. Please bear with me and I hope it helps in some way.

A lot of this has been touched on in this thread already, and although there may be a lot to sift through, I think for many on both sides it will
l prove worthwhile.

I counsel against pre-marital sex, simply because it's the Christian thing to do. But I never met a Christian doctrine that didn't have sound practical application. PMS can so easily deceive and mislead.

Deceive because it gives you a snapshot at that point in time, and under conditions that will almost certainly not hold for very long into the union - if you eventually get married.

Mislead, because it is likely to cloud judgement and the binding nature of sex can make it hard not to make the assumption and cloud ones thinking/action on certain things, even glaring red flags.

Men and women are different. Whilst there can be lots of overlap and they are both multi-functional, they have different perceptions, responses and underlying motivations for a lot of things.

When a woman is looking to seal the deal, when she is fighting off competition, when there is something she wants sex - however much swathed in romance and sweet nothings - is a go to tool, and usually "makes sense".

For men, sex is basically a response to stimuli and a very basic lust, hence it doesn't have to come with any wrapping, and explains why for men without control or restraint, multiple partners is not an issue and affairs are relatively easier.

I'm not saying women can't want it for wanting it's sake,or it can't be purely for stress relief, or that they can't be predatory, I'm stressing where there can be major sex-based differences. The typical fault lines.

The sex-drive hormone is testosterone, and men simply have many times more. It's needed for aggression, dominance etc (why men need to be more assertive in relationships, as women are attracted to it, and not vice-versa, or reversed). Oxytocin is more about comfort and security, and much more of a factor for women.

It's a very common trajectory in marriage; frenzied sex before and soon after, first child comes, bodily changes, esteem issues, new stressors, libido flags. The key is to have 1. reasonable expectations, 2. expect and deal with it.

But most of all and 3, is getting it right going in. You want a woman you will and is worthy of bearing with to a degree, as often 1 & 2, do not mean you will necessarily be getting the sex you want or even feel you deserve. As I said in the initial thread - linked from innovestors thread - on this, you'll rarely have a perfect match, and in a marriage which is long-term, there can be a lot of flux and change.

You need someone your commitment to - and hopefully vice-versa - is so strong, dealing with variation - as varied as draught & famine - will be something you consider worthwhile for the long-term benefit of your union. Someone who making sacrifices for won't be too hard, because you truly care for, and want to please each other.

Not saying it will be so, or so all the time, but just to get your head right going in, and so that when/if this does come upon you, you don't wilt, or do so to a degree that jeopardises your union, or start thinking you married the wrong wife.

...tbc


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MizMyColi:
^^^
You no dey taya?

You people are men o. Men!!!!

Anyway, you can keep entertaining me. It's your volition.

Didn't you just get married? I hope you make a good fist of it. And unless you plan to tread the paths of our protagonists, best face your home. I post my position on socio-cultural issues, morality and faith - and often accompany with pictures of my beautiful family Is there a problem?

Strange how the hyaenidae like cackling of 3 grown women over the genitals of a strange man and another womans husband elicited no comment from you? Neither did the pained bitchiness towards same woman? Or did you see that as quite classy and feminine . Perhaps you serve the same "god who exists to make you happy" as they do, hence view it as highly moral and honorable?

And you are right, it is my volition, just like it's yours to be entertained, or demonstrate such blatant hypocrisy . GDT' everywhere.


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pickabeau1:
Bro

I've been around o

Had some stuff I had to settle offline

How's the family

...we are all well thanks. Hope likewise.

raumdeuter:
Interesting contribution from Tval tim and the other men on this thread.
https://www.nairaland.com/3295175/why-most-wives-deny-husbands
Imagine having to go on a 3 day project to convince your wife to have sex with you?

My 2 posts on that thread - and the link - pretty much sum it up for me. By all means make an effort. Be attuned to the needs and desires of your wife, use romance to bond. It's an "all term" investment a smart guy will make.

Long/short, you've got to get it right going in. Anything else is too risky, especially in the West. We've expended a lot of time and energy on this here.

Once in it, do not pander or jump through hoops to get what's rightfully yours. Don't force or beg for intimacy. Especially if you are a dutiful husband. Like she is not obligated to please you?or make the same investment.

If you pander and are lucky, you may receive rations. Unwittingly you may create a "princess" with a monster entitlement mentality. She may also use it to assert control in the relationship and make escalating demands all round. And worse of all, women lose respect, and hence attraction, for men they can dominate, it's supposed to be the other way round. You can't lead by pandering, only serve.

I never advice extra-marital solutions or divorce, so the only thing I can suggest here is for him to re-establish his status/dominance. I see you feel one kind, but we men have to bear responsibility for our choices, informed or not, hard, but that is a mans lot.


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ogaprime:
Thanks sir...I would have accepted offline, but I think it should be done here so that people can learn or you open a thread sir based on your own personal experience on dating, courtship and marriage. Thanks sir...

Lots here if you can wade through - https://www.nairaland.com/1582623/boys-night-out-discussions - guys will answer if you ask questions.


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pickabeau1:
Good discussion all

Surprisingly kimoni is still on this her crusade

Carry go ooooo

...holá Pick, how fa? Where haff you bin .


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