₦airaland Forum

7 Tips/ Reasons To Save Your Marriage And Don't Divorce


1. There Are Only Few Happy Divorced People: Nigeria was never a divorce-prone country. However the influences of western culture and movies have turned it into one. Nigerian’s abroad are the worst hit, as many couple rush into the emotionally and financially costly process without thinking about the consequences. Forget about the public shows and fake lives/ lies of how people are enjoying after divorce, I am yet to see anyone that went through divorce and came out not bruised – the legal fees, emotional wreck, social demotion, loss of assets, and the devastating effect on kids. Sistas are worst hit despite the pretenses of a new-found freedom. Even with Child-support payments, ladies who won full custody of minor kids ended up with the harsh reality that they just turned themselves into full-time home-bound, baby-sitters as they can no longer travel or even date openly because of the kids while the man simply drop-off child-support check at the end of the month and cruise around the world enjoying with his girlfriends.

2. A marriage is better saved than broken. People in the ‘divorce club’ will disagree because they want most young women to end up like them, unhappy, depressed, complaining, snapping without the physical/ social protection of a man. According to a research children raised in single family homes are most likely to have behavioral problems and end up in street crimes. The money most ladies gained on child-support is spent on jail-bails later on in life. So what’s the gain?

3. Forgive And Give A Second Chance: How can we be preaching gospel everywhere on social media, FB, churches about God’s love and forgiveness when in our own hearts we lack love and forgiveness? No sin cannot be forgiven even cheating. Like any sin, most cheats become remorseful and better people when busted and given a 2nd chance. Couple who overcome scandals became stronger. Don’t give in to what your enemies and society wants during a scandal. Think forgiveness first except it fails! I know at the heat and frenzy of the shock of a scandal (cheating, etc) people act on myriads of advice (mostly by competitors, lawyers and enemies). The best advice I have ever heard was “If God and Allah forgave you and gave you a 2nd chance why can’t you give your wife or husband a second chance even if caught in the act – God (Allah) catches you in the act all the time but let go?”

4. Seek Professional Counseling On Time Not Just Prayers: Most couple due to pride, shame and ego don’t seek the services of professional family counselors when signs of problems creep into their relationship. Those trust, love, and confidence-building sessions can be helpful. Don’t be a typical Nigerian that rushes to a pastor and leaves everything to prayer even cancer, till they die needlessly. Some pastors have no experience in relationships. In fact, most are bad spouses themselves. In most cases they worsen situations in family problems with their so-called unfounded visions, prophecies, prescriptions, and escalate fixable issues. A hot-tempered man is better off attending anger-management classes, a nagging wife, a former prostitute, a former ‘sugar-baby’ who had a sugar-daddy, drug addict, a porn addict, or cheating couple are better-off attending counseling and behavior modification classes than seeking a young inexperienced pastor’s services. In most cases the same pastors have taken advantage of their patrons financially, sexually or breakup the marriage through emotional infidelity and over-zealous actions to win followers.

5. Keep your friends, in-laws, and relatives away from your marriage issues. They worsen the matter by taking sides and broadcasting it or even seeking ‘help’ at native doctors on your behalf. Some people have secret problems they would rather keep confidential such as er.ection problems, pre-mature-eja.culation, low Spe.rm-count, body odor, lack of s.ex skills in bed, bad cooking, financial problems, compulsive mas.turbation, etc. Laying bare these problems in the normal narratives that follow quarrels cause permanent damages.

6. Admit the role you play in your relationship problems. It takes two to tango. There maybe something you are doing that’s igniting the reactions you get from her. Men stop comparing her with you ex-model girlfriends. Afterall you left them and married her. She’s got her own strengths too not necessarily looks. Ladies, stop comparing your men with your ‘loaded’ ex boyfriends and sugar-daddies- why didn’t they marry you?

7. The Golden Truth: Take steps to save your marriage. Children do better living with both parents. Sometime the next woman/ man prove to be worse. Lawyers work for your money and really not your friends. What is right sometime doesn’t make sense. Stop citing the law, your rights, radio/TV activists, feminists, chauvinists prescription (most are not married or failed in relationships), etc. It’s between two of you. Courts and police don’t fix relationship problems; they enforce the law and may not know your personal situations. Remember the people who fuel the conflicts and advise you to ‘take a break’ most times have vested interests in your partner, and turn out to be the ones remotely behind your woes. You only find out 5yrs later.

Give people who hurt you a second chance, third chance, fourth chance. “If God and Allah forgave you and gave you a ten chances why can’t you give your wife or husband a fourth chance even if caught?

May God Blot Out ‘Divorce’ From Your Family Dictionary As You Digest This!

klark3:
@ bigheart2013 what do expect from an environment like ours?

I will like u to visit some institutions in dis country, so as to see d appalling state in which students are compelled to learn. U expect nigerian graduates to be knowledgeable like their counterparts in america & other developed countries under d kind of uncongenial atmosphere we have in dis country? U must be a joker.

Why not carry out a research on nigerians studying in dese developed countries....

. part of the problem is our skewed value system. Even here on NL look at the type news that get the highest attention - very mundane issues about which single lady had a baby for which celebrity, which girl is dating a sugar daddy, and who wore it better..the mind of our girls are preoccupied by s*x and fashion, while the boys are about making quick money 24/7. laziness is on the sprawl...nobody wants to use their brain and work hard. It's a punishment even in the office to give a Nigerian graduate a task that requires conducting a research.. they will be groaning.

on the question, i just feel sometime that young people back home are very distracted by what's going on in the society and environment. how can one concentrate and prepare for future when one is saddled with the struggle for survival? - no power, water, everything is fight and struggle. even in universities, undergrads sit on the floor to take classes, lecturers are biz men/women and politicians always going on strike. the harassment of female students is enough to discourage any lady. but look at the governors and govt officials. they too know our schools are messed up that's why they send their kids abroad. the school fees they pay for one child abroad in a year can build a library for one secondary schl in naija. in fact our people hate themselves!!!

i put the blame partly on parents. are fathers who are supposed to be at home to mentor their kids not the adulterous men being sugar daddies young girls everywhere? are mothers not the same people pushing their daughters to go out there and be like others?

as for the govt, when they sacrifice merit for mediocrity in appointments who wants to work hard? a situation where majority of members of senate and house of rep have criminal records..are criminals not the role models and rewarded?..mtcheeeeew!

Onegai:
It starts from the Family unit: My dad made us all watch CNN and read classics before the age of 10. I could tell you a bit about the stock market and shares of companies like Coca Cola and PZ and more (he would buy them for us rather than throw us birthday parties)

^^^^Wow! I really like the above. Exactly how I want to raise my kids especially my daughter. many young ladies in Naija are used and treated like rags bc they're not economically empowered. if they have their own money, i bet most won't swallow rubbish. but how many of them know that the money they waste on empty big over-sized designer bags, and wigs if invested in stock and share can save them from future financial 'slavery' in the hands of abusive adulterous men?

Complaints On 'Photo Releases '

I need to bring the attention of NL MODs that there should be a rule for posting a picture on the forum. In the media world only pictures certified as 'public' (pictures of public officials and celebrities taken during public events like function, rally, concerts, etc) can be shared by third parties without permission. Any other type of personal pictures require a 'photo release' (signed permission by the owner) before it can be used on a publication or website.

I see people posting awkward pictures of half-na*ked accident victims, photos of neighbors, photos of babies/ children (without their parents permission and tag them 'ugly baby'), and even photos of innocent people elsewhere, and put a wrong caption on it just to get 'likes' and comments. This is very wrong and a ground for heavy litigation. Nigerians are known to bastardize any trade (blogs being one their recent victims).

Please if you don't have a signed 'photo release' from a personal picture, do not post it on the Forum or website. The owner can file a complaint to the web-hosting company and win huge damages because even if a blog or forum is open to all, the owner is responsible for the contents.

How will you feel if your neighbor posts your half-n*ked picture wearing only a boxer spreading clothes outside without your permission, or a picture of your sister wearing half-slip (Shimmy) only at home and caption it "village girl in the city"?

Beautiful family!!

Complaint To Nairaland MODs On 'Photo Releases '

I need to bring the attention of NL MODs that there should be a rule for posting a picture on the forum. In the media world only pictures certified as 'public' (pictures of public officials and celebrities taken during public events like function, rally, concerts, etc) can be shared by third parties without permission. Any other type of personal pictures require a 'photo release' (signed permission by the owner) before it can be used on a publication or website.

I see people posting awkward pictures of half-na*ked accident victims, photos of neighbors, photos of babies/ children (without their parents permission and tag them 'ugly baby'), and even photos of innocent people elsewhere, and put a wrong caption on it just to get 'likes' and comments. This is very wrong and a ground for heavy litigation. Nigerians are known to bastardize any trade (blogs being one their recent victims).

Please if you don't have a signed 'photo release' from a personal picture, do not post it on the Forum or website. The owner can file a complaint to the web-hosting company and win huge damages because even if a blog or forum is open to all, the owner is responsible for the contents.

How will you feel if your neighbor posts your half-n*ked picture wearing only a boxer spreading clothes outside without your permission, or a picture of your sister wearing half-slip (Shimmy) only at home and caption it "village girl in the city"?

Jman06:
"A confused thread written by a confused Op, to be read and understood only by those who are as confused as the writer."---jman06

A hilarious way to admit you can't read and comprehend any write-up longer than a short whatsapp chat and phone text from low-life girls. It's ok. Sorry, I write long posts to discourage kids who hang out on NL rather than studying.. .

LewsTherin:
Usually wouldn't reply on a thread that's gone this far but since the OP keeps responding to posters, then...

First off, I believe there is a difference between a "God-fearing" and a follower of Christ. I will focus on Christians because (1) I am one and (2) when a Nigerian female calls someone God-fearing, it is usually in a Christian setting. A good muslim is usually called a good muslim or an alfa. At least in the parts of Nigeria I have been.

Most christians in Nigeria today (rreally sad that it is most not some) are christians when they fill forms, are christians cos going to church on Sunday is customary or fashionable or both, are christians because they have to tip God today so that He can help their hustle tomorrow. Few are followers of Christ because they love Him. Worse are those who believe they are christians but only read the parts of the Bible that reinforce their psychosis or cultural preferences or behavioral patterns - those who say a man is the head and the woman MUST submit but choose not to see the part that says he should love his wife as his own body. You care for your body not rule your body. Different things.

So Woged, your original premise is not exactly correct because any woman that marries a follower and lover of Christ, a man who will do what Christ has asked and not what he told Christ to ask will not have to go through that list of disadvantages with her husband. In fact, no husband can ever be better - go ask the prostitute that married the prophet Hosea.

And for those who say there is no God, it is a matter of belief. You believe He isn't because you have your proof, I believe He is because I have my proof. It is all a matter of belief.

Ok. wish we ladies could read minds to know who is a true Christian or not. But since we can't read minds and there's no way to know who is God-fearing or not, and going by what 'God-fearing' men have been doing in marriages lately, it makes sense for a lady to choose what's obvious rather than what's assumed.

Gaborone:
First, Woged2005 gave us reasons why men shouldn't marry ''good girls/virgins", now it's why ladies shouldn't marry "god-fearing men".

Some upended stuff right there.

"Why ladies shouldn't marry 'god-fearing men;"? - Don't know which write-up you read, definitely not this post. "Re-think" and "shouldn't" are not same thing in my dictionary o! now you blame me for not figuring out the difference?

freecocoa:
For people who care about religion/spirituality.

Just give me an intelligent/open minded man and I'm good to go.

invariably this is what I am saying too.

TheEqualizer:
Ha! Thanks for the compliments but I can also be an azz sometimes regardless.

That said, I just think we're all guilty of letting prejudiced constructs and trying to fit in somewhere blur our deeper understanding of things. I guess that's why it's better to always keep an open mind and learn how to deal with things/individuals as isolated cases. And not general preconceived notions/beliefs about classifications..

Yep. Especially our people can be very judgmental. Everybody forms holy yet our country bad like used motor-oil. over-sabi people wey no even fit fix their personal problems. very closed-minded people with no room for further development. having someone with open-mindedness is refreshing sometimes.

djon78:
Well women submission has always been part of our culture as Africans. But in another sense a line has to be drawn to separate male chauvanism. In summary a man should love, be good and nice to his woman, while the woman should obey and respect her man. That way it will work well.

Up there you supported your write-up with bible quotations and here you are citing African culture. Africans traditional religion was never Christianity. You see why it looks like some people are just scratching for reasons from any source to justify their actions. Are you a Christian or a traditionalist? This is beginning to sound like the type of 'god-fearing' men I am talking about. 'God-fearing in church', traditionalists outside the church

djon78:
Who ever wrote this is so much confused.

Marriage is a very serious issue most especialy because it involves two different beings. The centre point of every human is the heart. Prov 4 vs 23 says that the issue s of life has its source from the heart. Jesus said in luke 6 that a goodman out of the good treasure of the heart bring forth good things

1 John 5 says that God is love, while 1 corinthians 13 vs 4 defines the xter of love as: patient, kind, not boastful nor proud, not rude and not selfish.

Who is then a God fearing man? He is one that have surrendered his heart to God and God fills it with his love so that man becomes a new person. Jesus said by these shall men know you are my disciple if you love one another.
Most of the people you call God fearing are just religious men or church goers' by there actions you see that God is not in control of their heart.

As for marriage the bible sahd Husband love your wives meaning be patient, kind, not selfish, not rude to their wives while wives on the othfr hand are to submit, obey and respect their husbands.
The secret of a succesful marriage lies in both the man truly loving his wife, while the woman submits, obeys and resgects the man.
When we look at many marriages failing today is because of those two attributes hhghlited are not being implemented. Thereby we have so many messed marriages. In addition to that many men and women look at the wrong values in chosing a spouse men look at outward beauty instead of the lasting treasures of good character while the women neglect lasting values like hardwork, highly responsible, good morals in a man but rathfr go for riches. Affluence etc.
If men and women will be wise and do the right thing there will be many succesful marriages instead of many marriages breaking up at an alarming rate.

well said, but the issue is the interpretation of 'Submission' by various people even Christians. Moreover how do you explain the above to a Muslim, pagan, and other religions who don't read the bible quotations you used above since they all also revere God but in different ways?

TheEqualizer:
Not trying to be cynical or whatnot but how can one 'serve God truly without cutting corners' when everyone is liable to sin(s)? I think our mentality/outlook puts people on pedestal based on misconstrued term, due to needless disposition to hero/personality worshipping established on whimsical myths...that overtime have become reality.

Having an outlook that's pro-women or lack thereof is an individual thing, and it has nothing to do with religion. Likewise 'submission' which is more of a natural order, to facilitate co-existence, without friction. People need to stop worrying about vague constructs and focus on the qualities of whatever individual(s) they're dealing with, and make their decisions on how best they fit into their desires/need.

Additionally, 'modern woman' is tautology. Women have been 'modern' since the days of Adam and Eve. Concepts just keep changing and everything with go fullcircle soon.

You nailed it on the quote. I give you A- on that. I keep A+ to myself . I love open-minded men like you who value intellectual discuss and the contribution of women to knowledge no matter how subtle rather than looking for ways to subdue them and gain undue advantage bc they they are men.

Few months ago I was almost cowed out (bullied) off writing on NL by some male 'e-thugs' but my husband stood by me and encouraged me to stand my grounds and keep writing/posting because I get better with each post bc it's her opinion about me that matters.

tpiadotcom:
you are very good at scamming people then.


you give the impression you no dey see man for face.

yeah. Even if I was single and available, from your mindset I am way beyond your reach, dear. Everything has a class. Look at how other men on the thread are busy discussing issues and bringing their intellectual prowess to the post and u are busy trying to put a 'woman' down bc in ur mind u're a 'man'. Even for free u cannot handle a woman at my level. I don't write lullabies....

TheEqualizer:
Applause.

I like this save for the oxymoron in your overall description, in which I highlighted, to give you a complete understanding of where you went wrong. 'Word is bond'/'trustworthy' are interchangeable and they both signify loyalty. Not necessarily being impulsively headstrong. Apart from that mishmash, I wholeheartedly agree with your submission.

Being religious is synonymous with being pretentious , hence I wanted you to elaborate more on the term, 'God-fearing'.

No please don't misquote me. A true Christian or a true Muslim definitely is a good man because they want to serve God truly without cutting corners like we see in most mere church-going or Jumat-attending men. But the issue is that most modern girls do not understand that these religions are not necessarily pro-women, and never support equality in the home...they both demand total 'submission' by a woman to her husband. How many modern women would cope with that, yet they want a God-fearing man as a husband?

TheEqualizer:
Interesting.

So since there are 'pros and cons' involved in whatever classification of men is out there; either God-fearing or not (using the loose term here relatively). Which class of men would you advise the average Jessica to go for?

Honestly as a person I'd never cope with a 'very' religious man. I am a moderate and would like a moderate in everything. As I woman I'd like to be comfortable and have a sense of security not with someone whose word is bond, unbendable, and not flexible. Therefore, personally I went for a man who over-looks some things sometime just to give peace a chance. I prefer a man who has personal discipline, character and values than a religious man. I never listed one of the qualities I wanted in a man to be 'God-fearing', rather I replaced it with 'Trustworthy' so he didn't have to be religious.

TheEqualizer:
Can you define 'God' and 'God fearing' in the context of the universe?

Or you mean a man who has the fear of the unknown/elephant-in-the-room based on his belief system and the guidelines/rules set by the belief system? I believe you should know that man can have a good heart without fearing anyone or a supreme being. And how everyone deals with the supreme being is subjective based on your understanding of the universe and human existence.

Even the 'God' concept doesn't doesn't necessitate 'fear', it's a concept about the supernatural, and specific rules to enable co-existence among man, other living things/organisms, and his environment.

You are absolutely right. there are many concepts of 'god' around the world. But i am writing to Nigerians here and assume they are either predominantly Christians, Muslims, Animists, pagans or atheists. The first 3 define and accept God as a supreme being (a super-natural) and believers live under rules that govern their behaviors towards others (including women). In all researches that rule subjugates women. Don't get me wrong I am not a Religious Anthropologist. But I have this debate with my husband all the time and have learned a lot from his knowledge about world religions... all the popular religions subjugate women.

tpiadotcom:
Op, is it not easier and better if you stop overlooking men who are actually your type?


Instead of chasing endlessly in this manner.

@OP is happily married and settled down. Every female poster/writer on NL is not looking for male attention. Some of us actually get over-dose of it and that's why we share with others.. when a girl wink's at you don't just assume she wants you, maybe she's telling you that your zippers are open....so keep an open mind, dear ...

5 Reasons To Re-think If Marrying A God-fearing Man Is really For You!


Please this is not a recommendation or a suggestion, not even an advice for or against, rather a personal opinion for information and entertainment purposes only. Please laugh where you can, and comment where you can. No e-wars!


1. God-fearing does not men a good man: hiding in one church or the other has become one of the best ways for people to hide their dubious clandestine activities. Once you claim to be a pastor or religious Nigerians are quick to label you a ‘good person’ and give you cool nicknames as ‘brother’, ‘sister’, ‘daddy’, ‘mommy’. Therefore criminals are having a field day in Nigerian churches and ladies are learning the hard way that ‘brothers’ in church are turning out to be ritualists, fraudsters, criminals, women abusers, womanizers at home. Church is just a cover-up of ugly night activities. I will prefer a worldly man with character and values than the so-called god-fearing men.

2. He’s Not democratic: A true religious man is never a democrat in the house if he is the type that follows the teachings of the religious books strictly. Religious books are very male-centric. They are very clear on a man ‘being the head of the household’ and a woman being conservative and submissive to a man. Therefore, if you want freedom in marriage maybe you have to rethink marrying a man who wants to serve his God the way it is written in the book. You cannot eat your cake and have it. You want him to be God-fearing, yet you want to have equal rights in the house? No! No religious book (Bible or Koran) condones that except you are the type that cuts and joins quotations to justify your objectives.

3. Most Are Ladies Men: Pastors and religious men are very charismatic when they dress and preach at the pulpit. We ladies shout, scream, jump, clap and eulogize them. We fall in love with the charisma. Hei… that strength and charisma goes beyond the pulpit. Once we marry them the first thing most women would like to do is to start checking and controlling the very quality that attracted us to the men. Nope!..it’s never going to work, dear. He ‘ll remain the charismatic man, the ladies’ man, the man every lady wants to be with, the man every lady in the church worship his attire and loves, etc. That will keep you on your toes for the rest of your life. You just have to deal with that. The same applies when you marry a wealthy busy celebrity. You cannot slow him down.

4. Some have Ugly Past: Every religious man has a past and that past is actually what shapes their actions and behaviors today. The past may not be good. A former cultist or armed robber could have repented today and become mild and quiet’ it still does not stop the brutish nature from creeping in once in a while when his human nature takes over. Example, If he enjoys rough forceful s*x with women, being a born-again now isn’t going to change that in bed. Be prepared to cry in bed at least once in a while. If he grew up in a cult trusting no one around and always suspicious, being born-again now isn’t going to automatically restore his trust on u or anyone else. If he was an armed robber who shed blood, he will still pass through karma. Even Moses did for striking the rock (God) too hard, David (the man after God’s heart) did for killing a man and sleeping with his wife, St. Paul died through persecution (hanging) too. Karma is a b**tch!

5. They May Live on Faith and Lack: Truly religious men are more likely to live uprightly by turning down bribes, stealing at work, defrauding people and cheating clients. They will most likely depend on their income no matter how meager. (Please forget about the flamboyant pastors in Nigeria. The world has told us how they get rich but we choose to be naive) You are more likely to live with a man who will live on faith and manage what he has. If you love money and flamboyant lifestyle, a real and true religious man is not for you then.
They may be strict and male Chauvinist: You will have a man governed by principles and not easy to bend rules to make you happy. Most ladies will find them too strict, sometime male chauvinists and arrogant. Not the type of man who will leave Church Fellowship to help you babysit so you can go do your hair. Not the type of man who will pay bribes to get your daughter school admission, not the type of man who will jump queue at the bank to get your urgent withdrawal faster. He will live by the rules.

The Advantages

Despite all of the above you are most likely going to have a man who will be content with what he has (even little), happy with whatever you are and look like, not putting you under any pressure to look slimmer and s*exier. He’ll be most likely strong in the face of challenges/ rocky relationship, not easily influenced by the advice of relatives, friends and environment. He is the type of man who will sit by your bedside when you are sick, hold your hand and pray, see you through difficult times without complaining. But honestly you won’t have it rosy at all. I mean a true Christian, a true Muslim, a real religious man who follows the teachings.

jcmaiah:
I will try after treating her last fvck up.

^^^ @bigheart, but this one is a male not a female so we have them on both sides...thank God in ur prayer u said 'any1' and not 'any lady' . I'll pray god to heal their souls and shew dem true luv..u never know what they've gone tru and stil going tru. many people need healing. God bless the OP. i'll giv it a try.

pretty050:
"Why do u think intelligent women allow themselves to be manipulated"

If you have ever attended a meeting where two Smart people try to show off their intelligence by arguing all day, nothing ever gets achieved. There several reasons anyone (not only intelligent women) could allow themselves to be manipulated...

1). They have more stake in the relationship and will lose out if things go 'South', especially where the lady has children or has given in her health, beauty,and resources to the relationship.

2). If she is overtly dependent on the man ( a boss-servant relationship). In other words the man provides for her 80%- 100%. She keeps her cool even when she knows the games the man is playing otherwise she will lose his financial and material support

3). Societal influence and family training. Many African girls were trained to be under a man no matter what is going on. It's been hard-wired into them not to question or oppose a spouse. The detest and are afraid of being divorced, which some African societies still see as a taboo. It's a man's word out there. most women simply hang in there at all cost.

4. Finally, when she's under the 'spell' of 'Luv', she's blind. She even sees abuse as 'luv'

etc etc etc etc

jaybee3:
What happens when the wife is equally as Intelligent

Marriage/dating ought not to be a game IMO. The tenets of successful relationships are none other than honesty, integrity, caring and genuine love

Same thing, sweetheart - She is more difficult to be manipulated, lied to, fooled or cheated on because she applies her skills, training, technology and savvy to the relationship. Lying and manipulating an educated woman is outright insulting because when you do that you are questioning her intelligence and education. Mutual respect is the key. Respect her! An African adage says "it's respect that makes two dogs to lie down and roll for each other, not that they are afraid of a fight"

How To Date, Marry & Fit Into The Life of An Educated professional Man

Sometime we ladies think it’s easy dating/marying an intelligent, educated professional. We easily get attracted to the power suits but forgetting we are dealing with people who will read and think 5 steps ahead of any step we take. They are more difficult to be manipulated, lied to, fooled or cheated on because they apply their skills, training, technology and savvy to the relationship. My hubby who’s an internet security expert shocked me one day when he logged in and showed me all my chats on Whatsapp and Facebook for the past one year. I was very embarrassed, and thanked God we have such a good rapport and I didn’t upload anything unbecoming. That day I learned that ‘delete’ does not mean ‘wipe’ in IT.

Here are some help to manage your educated professional man better:

1. Report Yourself: Just assume he knows or one day will find out everything you did or doing, especially if he is the technology savvy type. Therefore learn to either report yourself with humor or respect yourself before you are shocked like me. Never assume your chats are not being read. In IT it's called 'footprints'. There are software out there that can monitor ur IT footprints. Just let him know there's this faceless seriousness person u chat with sometime. It's better than being busted.

2.The talking ones are far better than the quiet ones. You have to understand that both are intelligent otherwise they won’t be where they are today. But we ladies are attracted to quiet, calm men during dates but we forget that back in the house that also means that you can never tell what he has in mind or what he’s thinking. I prefer those who talk. They are livelier and easier to predict. You know when there’s trouble or not.

3. Research your words carefully before you use them: What you think they mean may not mean what you think. They may also mean different things in different areas. It’s popular for girls in Nigeria to use the phrase ‘I need a break’ erroneously thinking it means they need to slow down the tempo of the relationship. In USA and elsewhere it’s a coded word to communicate you want to either end the relationship, or you want to start seeing other men. Once you use that phrase it’s difficult to come back again because it looks like you’ve gone to oil your grove and now want to come back. It’s always better to have a discussion on what you want in a relationship than using this borrowed phrases on smart people.

5. Don’t demand honesty rather demand respect. Honesty ends a relationship, it’s respect that keeps it going. There is no honest man in a relationship. Honest people are blunt people. 80% of ladies cannot handle blunt people except you want someone who will tell you bluntly one hot afternoon that you are smelling…LoL! Respect is being mindful what he does or doesn’t do in your presence and to your knowledge; being mindful how he addresses you when he’s upset. It’s respect that keeps a relationship going and not honesty. Stop harping on you want him to be honest. If he respects you other things will fall in.

6. Seek for happiness and not his wealth. People accumulate money hoping they can use it to buy happiness. If you have a very funny man who keeps you happy and makes you laugh for hours, you are getting the same feeling (if not better) that a wealthy man tries to get by drinking expensive wines with you, or taking you on a vacation to a beach island just to be happy for a moment. There are many things money can’t buy otherwise millionaires won’t be committing suicide. If a man can make you happy without spending, why cry for those who will spend to achieve same goal.

7. You can be tough and still be soft. Simply stop yelling and stop arguing with him. Let him yell, that’s what they do in soccer and football fields. Ladies don’t yell. Have your unique way to get his attention or communicate you are upset. Don’t just yell because your friend, Jane, yells. Be unique in certain ways by developing your own brand. I have the habit of sitting quietly at the corner of the couch or lying on the bed reading my bible or a novel when I want to let him know I’m upset. He gets the message and will almost, always come to sit or lie next to me. I achieve the same thing people who yell achieve.

8 Don’t drag your silent treatment. Don’t let it ever go beyond 4-6 hrs. The idea of silent treatment is to communicate your displeasure, once he gets the message end it. Some women have destroyed their relationships and marriages by prolonging ‘silent treatment’. When you create avoid you give room for another woman. Be careful.

9. Be Content: I laugh when ladies say they are independent women yet turn around to say they ended a relationship because a man was not giving them money. An independent woman works for her own money. Do you know that men who give ladies money don’t respect women? They don’t see ladies as partners rather they see themselves as the boss who needs to take care small or needy women. Gifts are ok ( I don’t care how expensive) but as long as you keep asking for transport fare, money to buy food and clothes you are needy and a servant to the boss; you will never get that respect you deserve.

10. Be versatile. Be current in your field and world events so you can converse intelligently. Pick up books and read so you can fit into professional and academic discussions. Some of our sisters are just lazy. Some have never opened a book to read for the past 2 years. I laughed when a lady who introduced herself as an English major kept mute all evening when we hung out with our men and their buddies. She looked like a village girl coming out for the first time because she didn’t know what to contribute to the discussions.

11. Don't give room to suspicion. Don't do things that can kill trust and the respect he has for you. Once the trust is dead, the relationship is either in trouble or over. Negotiate what you want. If you want to date non-exclusively till he marries you, discuss it that you don't wanna put all your eggs in one basket. He should make up his mind fast or allow you to have 'bench-warmers' (chikers). It's better than cheating, sneaking around and being creepy. When you get exposed, normally you lose respect and lose both men.

God bless you my sister for this write-up. Good people use their experience to mentor others, while bad people want others to pass through what they passed through. There's always a God of 2nd chance if you genuinely give Him a 2nd chance in your life; he can fix things.

In all, marrying for the wrong reasons is the reason why marriages don't last. Most people like what some has and not what someone is. I have heard many sisters list "A man who can take care of me" (financially) as a quality they look for in a man. They get upset when I ask "must a man take care of you?" So obviously such people are getting into a commercial contract relationship - I give you s*x and babies, while you give me money and housing . What if the man along the line loses his job, wealth, health and can no longer 'take care of you'?

Some men on the other hand are very irresponsible. Simply because a girl doesn't bear same last name as u does not mean you cannot treat and respect her as your sister. Some things they put a girl through in a relationship, they will burn things down if someone does same to their sisters. I Met a girl several years ago who the man she was dating had a fantasy of having his girlfriend drip br*east milk so he resorted to getting her pregnant and doing abortion several times just to have her drip br*east-milk, yet they were not married. The girl was so powerless to leave the relationship bc she needed the man to 'take care of her'. Can u imagine?

TheFury:
I always laugh whenever I see this topic. This word Karma. This is simply what is known as the LAW OF SEEDTIME AND HARVEST. After the flood, when Noah made an offering to GOD, from that day the LAW OF SEEDTIME AND HARVEST has been in effect. God declared specifically that "I will not again curse the ground for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; Neither will I again smite any more every thing living as I have done.[bWhile the earth remaineth, SEED TIME AND HARVEST, cold and heat and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease. (Genesis 8:21-22).

What it means is that you shall receive the rewards for your actions and works. "Whatsoever a man soeth.....". This law is universal. Whether you believe in God or not. Whether you are a Nihilist, Muslim, Christian, Aethist, Hindu, etc. That verse up there was the day God instituted it. It doesnt mean agriculture or weather in the literal sense. And the law of seedtime and harvest is powerful and transcends generations. "The fathers have eaten sour grapes and the children's teeth are set on edge". This is the reason why some people suffer the consequences of actions carried out centuries ago. God himself said "I will visit the sins of the fathers upon the children, EVEN TO THE THIRD GENERATION" (Take note).

So whatever you do, has concequenes, for good or for I'll, no matter who you are cos whatsoever a man soweth that he SHALL reap.

Thank you very much for this. I tell people Karma is not really a Christian religion thing. It's a universal belief. I noticed we have very unique ways of tailoring things to fit our ways of life in Nigeria and try to be smart about it. Even our style of being religious is somehow unique to our environment. For example if you deal with Christians from other countries they are very different from Nigerian Christians. The difference being that we try to use religion as a cover-up rather than a light in our communities...if you come into Christian communities in western countries you can feel the love, peace, kindness, etc. On the other hand, Christian communities in Nigeria are rife with hostility, accusations, discrimination, self-righteousness and then very high level of crime (robbery, fraud, prostitution, etc), the larger the number of religious houses, the more the crime rate.

I guess people are afraid of karma for fear of being punished for their past life. As usual, they try to pretend it doesn't exist in order to have some false 'peace of mind'. Well the bad news is it does exist. The good news is there's good karma too. Karma is not 'Punishment', rather a 'Reward' for your thoughts and action. If your thoughts and actions are bad, why not change than rather than being naive with your 'Living in sin under grace' attitude?

Thank God Nigerians didn't write the Bible, a lot of chapters that didn't favor them would have been removed.

jmoore:
Still stuck in the old testament? Wetin innocent unborn kids do na?

But people who claim they don't believe in Karma try to use bible to justify their claim and I just countered it with bible proofs too. by the way is old testament not part of Bible? Mind you old testament is word directly from God. New testament is the story of Jesus and the early Christians. If you see God and see St Paul beckoning on you, who will you follow? .....Even Jesus read and believed old testament.

Also bear in mind a very large population of the world are not Christians yet believe in Karma too.

Aaaaaahh! Abeg my other topic is gradually turning into a war of words between people who believe in Karma and those who don't. I'm creating another topic here so that both parties can fight it out and enlighten us more.

Here are my positions on Karma..

Karma simply means that the thoughts and actions you send into the universe attracts same back to you.

Even Christ was beaten and nailed on the cross under excruciating pain. His cry out to the father in heaven to let 'The cup pass' did not save him from his appointed destiny, because it's already written. Even the Bible made it clear in new testament that "Ye shall reap what you sow" . Even Paul was later killed by the Roman Govt. That's how Paul left the world. Before repentance, he was going about killing and persecuting Christians...u can call that Karma or 'ifa' that's ur biz. Karma is also know as the 'Law of Cause & Effect',, 'The law of boomerang', 'the law of Harvest' in the bible. It's also buttressed by Newton's 2nd law of motion (action and reaction are equal and opposite).

People who justify that there's no karma because Christ died on cross the and washed away their sins, so their past is gone forever (called t[b]he theology of eternal grace[/b]) are simply being naive and want to eat their cake and have it. Jesus gave you salvation on the cross as a certificate to go to haven never means that there are no more consequences for your actions. Moses never entered the promised land did not mean God did nor forgive him. King David committed adultery with Batsheba and went through a time of gloom in his life because of God's wrath does not mean he ceased to be the 'Man after God's heart'.


I want to add that those bank robbers who killed policemen, a little teenage girl at Lagos and probably the bank staff/ policemen who tipped them with information may have succeeded in getting money, they won't go scot-free even if they repent, sow seeds, pay tithes and give testimonies in church. No sin goes unpunished. You can call it karma or what ever you like. If it doesn't fall on them, it will fall on their children.

God made it clear "I will visit the iniquities of parents on their children and great grand children..."

So please live you life knowing that even without religion, Karma is one thing Religion, Aetheist, Science, Philosophy agree on. There are consequences for your every action.

Thanks

Joavid:
Why is the op so obsessed with single over-30-women

You feel in your little mind you're better right?--typical naija, very judgmental, prejudiced and pretentious yet full of issues and frustrations. I hope people who know you well don't recognize you here and open you up....

I am above 30, married and therefore talk about things that of interest for me and my age grade. So I don't know what kids are doing on Family section? Isn't this supposed to be for parents and people with families or starting families? What do you think adults discuss - latest car Chief Ojuju bought for his teen baby-mama?....Mtcheeew!

emmabest2000:
Since you're a good bible reader , where in the bible did karma visited soul/Paul ? After his repentance ? The issue is that there are lucky and unlucky people in this world , that someone is or was unlucky doesn't mean that it's Karma , I have witness a case where the girl was a run girl with so many sugarDaddies but was lucky and got married to a handsome tall rich abroad dude , within the speace of five years they came back to 9jar with kids two boys two girls , and they still living happily till date !

Please I don't want to waste my Energy on people who don't conduct deep research but can write 300 page thesis on one verse in the Bible....read theological books and get enlightened. Paul you asked about was later killed by the Roman Govt. That's how Paul left the world. Remember before repentance, he was going about kill and persecuting Christians...u can call that Karma or 'ifa' that's ur biz..

oakson:
Seconded! I often tell people but they struggle to get the fact that this karma of a thing is out of the new covenant inherent in Christ and also from an orient religion
What is the efficacy of the BLOOD then

There's a reason why the most religious parts of the world has the most problems. Look at Nigeria with the number of churches and mosques..yet the streets look like monsters live in it unleashing terror, there's frustration everywhere. Reason: No one can fool God with shouting and dressing. we must pass through karma, even if you don't believe.

MizMyColi:

No person who believes in the finished work of Christ should subscribe to the concept of Karma in its totality.

Explain please if I didn't get you right. Even Christ was beaten and nailed on the cross under excruciating pain. His cry out to the father in heaven to let 'The cup pass' did not save him from his appointed destiny, because it's already written. Even the Bible made it clear in new testament that "Ye shall reap what you sow"

Hope you are a Bible believer and not just one of those 'church-goers' who chorus 'Amen' when the prayer is only about breakthroughs and blessings, but keep mum when the sermon is on stewardship and holiness?

emmabest2000:
Since you're a good bible reader , where in the bible did karma visited soul/Paul ? After his repentance ? The issue is that there are lucky and unlucky people in this world , that someone is or was unlucky doesn't mean that it's Karma , I have witness a case where the girl was a run girl with so many sugarDaddies but was lucky and got married to a handsome tall rich abroad dude , within the speace of five years they came back to 9jar with kids two boys two girls , and they still living happily till date !

Please I don't want to waste my Energy on people who don't conduct deep research but can write 300 page thesis on one verse in the Bible....read theological books and get enlightened. Paul you asked about was later killed by the Roman Govt. That's how Paul left the world. Remember before repentance, he was going about kill and persecuting Christians...u can call that Karma or 'ifa' that's ur biz..

Updated: March 26, 2015......

Gradually this topic is turning into a war of words between people who believe in Karma and those who don't. I will create another topic so that both parties can fight it out and enlighten us more. However, I want to add that those bank robbers who killed policemen, a little teenage girl at Lagos and probably the bank staff/ policemen who tipped them with information may have succeeded in getting money, they won't go scot-free even if they repent, sow seeds, pay tithes and give testimonies in church. No sin goes unpunished. You can call it karma or what ever you like.