₦airaland Forum

What Is Spiritual Abuse?

"Just like physical abuse is the abuse of a person’s physical body by way of hitting, kicking, biting, etc. and emotional abuse is the abuse of a person’s mind/emotions via name calling, derogatory remarks, put downs, etc. spiritual abuse is the abuse of a person’s spirituality. Spiritual abuse is similar to emotional abuse because the emotions are very intertwined to a person’s spirituality. Spiritual abuse, however, goes beyond the emotions and hits hard at the spiritual well being of the individual. It is the taking advantage of vulnerable and impressionable people looking for spiritual guidance and acceptance." Read more: http://www.healingspiritualabuse.com/what-is-spiritual-abuse/

Signs You're In A Spiritually Abusive Ministry

NOTE: This is not an exhaustive list, but it typifies what happens.

Spiritually abusive ministries…

1. Have a distorted view of respect. They forget the simple adage that respect is earned, not granted. Abusive leaders demand respect without having earned it by good, honest living.

2. Demand allegiance as proof of the follower’s allegiance to Christ. It’s either his/her way or no way. And if a follower deviates, he is guilty of deviating from Jesus.

3. Use exclusive language. “We’re the only ministry really following Jesus.” “We have all the right theology.” Believe their way of doing things, thinking theologically, or handling ministry and church is the only correct way. Everyone else is wrong, misguided, or stupidly naïve.

4. Create a culture of fear and shame. Often there is no grace for someone who fails to live up to the church’s or ministry’s expectation. And if someone steps outside of the often-unspoken rules, leaders shame them into compliance. Can’t admit failure but often searches out failure in others and uses that knowledge to hold others in fear and captivity. They often quote scriptures about not touching God’s anointed, or bringing accusations against an elder. Yet they often confront sin in others, particularly ones who bring up legitimate biblical issues. Or they have their circle of influence take on this task, silencing critics.

5. Often have a charismatic leader at the helm who starts off well, but slips into arrogance, protectionism and pride. Where a leader might start off being personable and interested in others’ issues, he/she eventually withdraws to a small group of “yes people” and isolates from the needs of others. Harbors a cult of personality, meaning if the central figure of the ministry or church left, the entity would collapse, as it was entirely dependent on one person to hold the place together.

6. Cultivate a dependence on one leader or leaders for spiritual information. Personal discipleship isn’t encouraged. Often the Bible gets pushed away to the fringes unless the main leader is teaching it.

7. Demand servant hood of their followers, but live prestigious, privileged lives. They live aloof from their followers and justify their extravagance as God’s favor and approval on their ministry. Unlike Jesus’ instructions to take the last seat, they often take the first seat at events and court others to grant them privileges.

8. Buffer him/herself from criticism by placing people around themselves whose only allegiance is to the leader. Views those who bring up issues as enemies. Those who were once friends/allies swiftly become enemies once a concern is raised. Sometimes these folks are banished, told to be silent, or shamed into submission.

9. Hold to outward performance but rejects authentic spirituality. Places burdens on followers to act a certain way, dress an acceptable way, and have an acceptable lifestyle.

10. Use exclusivity for allegiance. Followers close to the leader or leaders feel like insiders. Everyone else is on the outside, though they long to be in that inner circle.

Source: religioustolerance.com / Excerpt from an article by Mary Demuth

For your consideration...

"Religion and an optimistic approach to life in general, are the only factors that could enable an affirmation of any gain derived from the Westernization of African culture. This is because, through the religious inclination of man, certain anomalies are swept under the carpet for peace to reign and man, on the other hand, tends to optimistically approach any and every experience in his life in order to better himself."

Read more: http://vivipedia.com/westernization-african-culture-loss-gain/
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"Globalization has had major effects on the Chinese culture, some have been very positive has have given a good dimension to the already rich Chinese culture while some have been negative which have had an adverse effect on the Chinese culture and heritage. Here we will discuss both the positive and negative effects respectively."

Read more: http://whatisanthropology..com/2012/12/globalization-effecting-chinese-culture.html
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"Globalization refers to the increasingly global relationship of culture, people and economic activity. While culture on the other hand, is the recognition of good literature, enjoyment of good music, food and arts."

Read more: http://nneka-oringamje..com/2012/04/effect-of-globalization-on-nigeria.html
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"Culture is a pattern of human activities and the symbols that give these activities significance. It is what people eat, how they dress, beliefs they hold and activities they engage in. It is the totality of the way of life evolved by a people in their attempts to meet the challenges of living in their environment, which gives order and meaning to their social, political, economic, aesthetic and religious norms and modes of organisation thus distinguishing people from their neighbours. In Federal Republic of Nigeria (1988), culture comprises material, institutional, philosophical and creative aspects."

Read more: http://www.webpages.uidaho.edu/~mbolin/nwegbu-eze-azogwa.htm

momentum85: op i wonder oo, what marvels me is that many of these celebration we borrowed have an idolatrious background but we ignored our own culture and term them 'fetish'. Dumping our culture may be what is causing this untimely death in this our generation.

You may have a point.

But are Nigerians wholly responsible? No.

Take a minute and think back to WHO determined what cultural practices were considered a fetish and which ones were considered culturally acceptable and have evolved for the betterment of Nigerian society.

What was that WHO'S ulterior motives and why was its determination able to make such deep inroads into the Nigerian psyche?

Another thing...the very WHO that determined certain Nigerian cultural practices as pagan (fetish) also have cultural practices that have pagan roots, yet they dare point fingers.

RAQUEL01: Another tales by moonlight. its obvious from your rantings here you're not married. you dont even know what marriage entails. So sorry for the gullible ones that believes this nonsense you're writing here. Pls extend my greetings to your imaginary husband. bye

Women don't usually lie about being married.

But think whatever you like madam.

I don't have to prove anything to you or anyone else on an online forum.

Or maybe you would find it more believable if I was a single mother who dropped out of high school, had four kids by four different fathers, on welfare, getting food stamps, or living on Section 8 in the projects?

Whether you deem my posting tales by moonlight, ranting, nonsense, and so graciously extend greetings to my "imaginary husband", I still maintain that the day violence enters a relationship or marriage is the day a person should wake up, smell the coffee and not wait around for the coffee pot to boil over. They might not survive the burns.

And while you ruminate on that, think on the numbers of women who would rather sacrifice themselves on the Altar of Matrimony, all in the name of being and staying a Mrs., because they fear being pariahs in a judgmental society.

DukeNija: Let me ask you a question. Why did you open this thread? Its obvious you have all the answers you need, all the advice you need, and have made up your mind on what to do given the worse case scenario. Or are you trying to gather emotional support and approval for your decision? We all know what to do in dire circumstances but we didn't open threads for them all.

First, why does anyone open a thread? To gain knowledge. To pass on knowledge. To satisfy curiosity.

Second, some battered women and men need to see things in black and white to verify what they instinctively know, that lack of disrespect and violence aren't part of a good marriage, no matter what they grew up around.

Third, I'M not looking for answers or seeking advice but some members may pick up on something they can use in their own lives.

Fourth, I stated I can only speak for myself, no one else.

Fifth, if I needed any emotional support for any personal decision, I wouldn't turn to an online forum. Neither would I seek approval online from people I don't even know. I don't even seek approval offline. I think for myself. I'm not a member of the sheeple community.

Why are you even questioning me about this scourge of society?

Wouldn't it make more sense for YOU, or any other male poster to open a thread for men asking why some men feel violence is the answer to marital disagreements?

...a gentle reminder...

https://images.search.yahoo.com/search/images;_ylt=A0SO8xerAxhUeYoAwARXNyoA;_ylu=X3oDMTB0ZnNhNDJjBHNlYwNzYwRjb2xvA2dxMQR2dGlkA1NNRTY1NV8x?_adv_prop=image&fr=yfp-t-250-s&sz=all&va=nigeria+domestic+abuse+victims

RAQUEL01: Another long story for the gods.....
Tis always so amusing reading all kinds of rubbish on nairaland. Make una continue to dey deceive unaselves. Imagine this one saying she will leave a marriage of 21 yrs becos of a one time slap.

The gods may be crazy but I sure as hell ain't!

Hit me...hit the door!

My teachers were the women who came before me AND advised me on a route they should have taken the very first time their hubbies put hands on them.

And you think I didn't listen?

I listened very well and observed very well.

I've lost two friends to domestic violence...victims of murder suicides. The husbands shot them to death and then themselves, leaving a total of 5 orphans behind.

So who's zooming who?

There's nothing like the voices of experience to guide you to the right path.

I speak for myself and no one else.

So glad my long story amused you.

So wonderful you think my stance is rubbish.

However, I do find it quite offensive that you think I'm deceiving myself.

You think I don't know my own mind?

Did you read the part where I stated that my hubby and I are in total agreement about certain boundaries that should NEVER EVER be crossed?

And...just for the record, I feel the same way about cheating. If my husband cheats on me ONCE, the marriage is over. Or should I forgive him and take a chance on catching a STD medicine can't cure?

To each...his or her own.

Divorce doesn't concern me or frighten me. In such circumstances...survival and the emotional health of me and my kids does.

Anyway...it is well.

Carry on!

On this issue, I can only speak for myself.

I, for one have been married for 21 years w/4 kiddos and neither me or my hubby have laid a finger on each other in all that time. Have we argued? Of course. Do we fight dirty? Let's just say that first year was a doozy, until we figured out that fighting fair was the better option. Now we rarely argue over anything.

So yes, I know what marriage entails. It's entails friendship, mutual respect, compromise, communication, kindness, consideration, intimacy, appreciation and all things positive.

It doesn't include violence, cheating or any other thing that will negatively impact our marriage or the lives of our kids.

After that, and as it stands now, at any time, my hubby loses his mind and hauls off and slaps the taste out of my mouth, that is the day he can kiss our marriage goodbye and that goes for me too, if I lay hands on him. And who's to say we won't lose our minds a second time, with that time being worse? Both of us have a very clear understanding of certain boundaries we are NEVER EVER to cross. What message/lessons are we teaching our kids about marriage and resolving conflicts within marriage?

As for leaving, due to consistent violence, I might not live through consistent violence. One blow could end me or seriously injure me, especially if it's a hard enough blow. Hubby is well over 6-ft. tall with bulk to match. And HE'LL be the first one to pack HIS bags and go, not me, because he'll KNOW he committed a serious breach of trust.

NO SECOND CHANCES!

And I could care less who says what, who gossips, who points fingers, who thinks divorce is just horrible or who tries to blame me for breaking up the family. Hassle me and you will see me sprout horns and spit fire. It's best we divorce quickly and smoothly and try to remain civil to each other, for the sake of the kids and promise to never use them as pawns.

As for being a liar...the Devil is a liar if ANYONE thinks I will continue in a marriage where my husband, the father of my kids, the man who promised to love, cherish and respect me raises his hand to me in anger. I don't give a ratz patootie what he's going through. For me, there's no excuse for violence of any kind in my marriage...NOT EVEN ONCE.

I WILL sign on that dotted line!

Godmystrength: this part

You'd be surprised at how some people think, when it comes to abuse.

I've even come across some men who endure abuse from their girlfriends and wives, because they think they deserve it for cheating.

One thing about female batterers, since most don't possess the physical strength of men, they are more likely to use weapons or poisons to take their boyfriends or husbands out or contract with other men to kill them. This has happened to a few Naija boyfriends and husbands over here in the States and elsewhere.
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Something to think about...

Most people may be aware of the abuse that Halle Berry has gone through personally, but now she has decided to speak on the abuse that she saw her mother and older sister go through as a child. In the past, Halle Berry has always refused to talk about the beatings meted out to her mother by her father, Jerome Jesse Berry, who left her family in Cleveland, Ohio, when she was four.

Berry has said a boyfriend once hit her so hard she is still largely deaf in her left ear. She said she and her elder sister, Heidi, were still recovering from witnessing the violence inflicted on their mother, Judith, a retired nurse who was born in Liverpool. “I saw my mother battered, and could not do anything to stop it,” she said. “My father was tyrannical, lashing out at her for no reason. I felt the effects that had on our family — I’ve experienced what battered women have gone through.” She said her mother was still working out why she took it for so many years. “That is a deep question, and I am not sure she will ever come up with one answer. I have one answer to anyone in a similar situation — get out.”

Berry says she never forgave her father, a hospital porter, even as he lay dying with Parkinson’s disease in 2003. He sold his account of their estrangement to a tabloid “for a pack of beer and cigarettes,” Berry said. She even wonders if her parents’ relationship had affected her past romances. She said: “I never had to run to a shelter, but I did choose the wrong partners. Not always good men. Luckily, in recent years, I have been smart enough to hit the door when violence even becomes a possibility. That is something I will not tolerate.”

Source: bossip.com

Godmystrength: It is not only a knife or a cutlass that can pose a threat to someones life. A WRONG push can send someone to the great beyond.... a slap can puncture your eardrum.... a wrong word can harm you psychologically.... etc. You will never know when it will happen.... why should anyone be made to endure any kind of abuse??

@OP- i don't know how to answer your question. But one thing i know is that the ''union'' will never be the same again. I just pray not to find myself in such kind of mess That is why i try as much as possible not to put my partner in a situation where he will be tested....

According to some women I've come across, the first slap, shove or push is a 'test.' Such men are 'testing' the woman to see how she reacts. If she accepts his apology, he will 'up the ante', so to speak...and continue to 'up the ante' until it explodes into a full-fledged beating. That's why some battered women (and men) say things only get worse and worse, as time goes on, if you don't leave the very first time you're hit.

Another weird thing I've heard some battered women say is: "My husband doesn't love me anymore, because he hasn't beaten me for a month. I wonder if he's cheating!"

WTH!!!

What is something you WISH you could say to your BF/GF/Husband/Wife but never, ever would?

Why do some Nigerians seem at odds with certain celebrations and holidays, deeming them un-Nigerian or un-Christian?

Cases in point...

Nigerians And Birthday Celebrations

"Birthdays, weddings, and funerals have supplanted traditional communal events, such as festivals, which are now considered uncivilised, if not fetish." "...culture and language are dynamic. They undergo change. Some practices and words are dropped, while new ones are taken on, often through borrowing from others. The problem with Nigerians is that so much have been borrowed and adopted from outside that the peoples’ cultural and linguistic roots have been shaken to their foundations. The repercussions are grave for future generations."

Read more: http://www.punchng.com/politics/nigerians-and-birthday-celebrations/


Nigerians And Valentine's Day

"Valentine's Day comes with a yearly ritual." - Charles Novia

Read more: http://naijagists.com/valentines-day-in-nigeria-comes-with-a-yearly-ritual-says-charles-novia/


Nigerians and Christmas Celebrations

“We don’t celebrate Christmas. It actually came from idolatrous background. That is why you don’t hear us sing what they call Christmas carol, Never! We always say it is the December retreat. We are only gathering together because it is the holiday period and love the lord more, and rededicate ourselves more." -Pastor W.F Kumuyi, General Overseer of the Deeper Christian Life Ministry

Read more: http://www.nigeriafilms.com/news/24756/4/celebrating-christmas-is-idolatory-and-unscriptura.html

donroxy: Become a Humanitarian through service with UN ..... It's already my Career Objective .... Ultimate goal in chosen that is ''Heaven'' and the only way I would have concluded ''I live @ all'' is Humanitarianism !!

Good for you!

Would you leave your BF/GF/Fiance/Fiancee/Husband/Wife if s/he hit you ONE TIME or would you stay?

If you stay, what if it happened a SECOND TIME, even if they promised it would NEVER happen again?

Would you leave then?

How many times would it take him or her hitting you, before you leave, IF you decide to leave?

Do you think that some people can curse or bewitch others?

Do you believe bewitching or curses only have power over those who believe that it can affect them?

Or...do you think such things aren't real and nothing more than superstitious fears?

My observation...

Since some women (and men) feel incomplete without a husband/wife/children, they assume you must, too.

Your s-xuality may even be questioned.

Being married w/ kids may not be your destiny.

You're not a cut out cookie living in a cookie cutter world.

Follow your own bliss -- no one else's!

bukatyne: I am sure the OP is talking about when a party is not willing

Exactly!

"Death isn’t sad. The sad thing is: most people don’t live at all. “ -Socrates in the movie Peaceful Warrior

Over here, in the States, there are CEOs who have given up six-and seven- figure incomes to pursue their life's passion (opening a restaurant, teaching, specialty farming etc.) and say they feel happier, healthier and more fulfilled, even those who are married w/ kids.

What could you do in the next few months to bring you more joy, passion, fulfillment and purpose -- something of your own choosing, instead of that which is expected of you by your parents, society, etc.?

Could you make a go of it -- make it your chosen 'career'?

aboyaji: We Are Family

a Bollywood Movie. As the name implies, its a family series.

A certain family of 5, (both parents embeded into the 5). Where the father no longer lives with his family due to 'DIVORCE', leaving the children with their mother, but comes with time to check on them and take all of them to party and cinemas. He still loves his family so much, but they needed a space, hence, the divorce. He has a fiance and was ready to tie the knot with her soon.

And here comes the problem........................

His wife is diagnosed of cancer and needs someone to take good care of her before the stipulated time given to her by the oncologist for her to give up.

The time started counting down when the doctor had passed the scan result to her.

She needed someone. She needed her husband. She needed her smart kids around. She needed her family back.


My heart wanna drop tears as i am writing this. Bye pls.

Sounds like a good movie but the next entry should start with the letter 'D".

Perhaps married couples can get a better feel for how to nurture a marriage by putting together a list of the most common ways to kill a marriage.

Below are 30 Ways To Kill A Marriage.

1. Never change. The fault is always in the other. Never me. Be rigid, set in your ways. Close yourself to the possibility of growth.

2. Always take your partner for granted. Now that you are married you own your partner, and therefore you can always assume that your partner will always be there for you.

3. Demand that you never be taken for granted. After all, I am me. It’s OK for me to take you for granted, but you must never take me for granted.

4. Quit scoring points. You don’t need to impress the other anymore. Don’t tell him/her nice things like “I love you” or “You really are pretty/good looking.” Quite saying “thank you” and “please.” Don’t bother to compliment each other or to tell each other how nice you look like you did before you were married.

5. Make s-x be only for him. Both of you buy into the myth that s-x is really only for the male, that he needs his regular dose, but that she doesn’t need it or enjoy it.

6. Never do any s-xual experimenting with each other. Never make love in front of a cozy fire in the fireplace on a winter night, and never do it in the backyard on a hot summer night. Certainly don’t do it in the little motor launch or in the sailboat.

7. Always make s-x be in the same way, the same time, the same station. (Tune in again next week folks, same time, same station.) Don’t ever try anything new or different, and certainly don’t discuss it with each other, but only with your close friends.

8. Always take the children with you on vacation. After all, this is what your parents did for you. Never take a vacation just for the two of you.

9. Never take honeymoon get-away weekends. Never farm the kids out to friends and neighbors or grandparents. Never attempt to get away for a 24-hour “quickie” weekend of good eating, good sleeping, and good lovemaking.

10. Never take separate vacations. Never get away from each other. Never allow each other a time away from each other and the children.

11. Never really resolve your conflict. Always allow your beefs and complaints to punish, build up and become infected.

12. Fight dirty. Use lots of silent treatment and lots of gunny-sacking. Always punish your mate for not agreeing with you or seeing things your way.

13. Abdicate! This means you don’t leave the marriage in a physical sense but you “move out” in a mental-emotional-spiritual sense.

14. Never share your real feelings and thoughts. Never let down your guard. Never let your partner see your hand.

15. Always be defensive. After all, you are always right. You shouldn’t ever be questioned about anything you say or do.

16. Dedicate your life to your children. Tell yourself that they learn to expect that this is their right and your responsibility toward them.

17. Never do anything differently. Never go out. Never try anything new. Never surprise each other.

18. Have too many children. Too many for you! How many can you afford within the bounds of what you want to give them?

19. Have children very close together. Don’t give much thought to the effects of children on the primary caretaker. Don’t consider the child’s need to be the queen or king for at least 2 or 3 years.

20. Never have an affair with each other! Never spice up your relationship by pretending or by the creative use of fantasy and imagination. Never dress up for each other. Quit grooming for each other. Let yourself go in terms of your weight, your physique, your figure.

21. Never work through your relationship with your own parents. Let them continue to dominate you, or manipulate you. Let them continue to make you feel shame and guilt over the decisions you have made. Make up your mind that you must never hurt them by standing up to them in any way.

22.Tell yourself that you only married your mate, not your mate’s family. Tell yourself that your partner’s family has nothing to do with the way your partner treats you or the children.

23. Take yourself dead seriously. Approach your partner, his/her parents, your parents, your children, and your jobs as though every little event is deadly serious and eternally important.

24. Never laugh or joke or attempt to be humorous about anything. Don’t cultivate a sense of humor. Tell yourself that life is too serious for such frivolity.

25. Be defensive about your femininity and masculinity so that you never even consider changing roles or switching or reversing roles. Insist that you and your partner live your lives according to the doctrine of separate spheres wherein each sticks to the traditional division of labor and the traditional s-x roles.

26. Insist that his career be the REAL career and hers, if she should happen to be gainfully employed, be secondary or subservient to his.

27. Never apologize. Never admit you're wrong.

28. All feelings must be justified, defensible, and explainable.

29. Traditional rules, roles, attitudes, beliefs, and values must never be questioned or challenged.

30.. Most of all, tell yourself that there is no need to show your partner or tell you partner that you love him/her. After all, they SHOULD know this without you having to do or say anything.

Source: marriagepartners.com / Article by Audrey Chapman

Why do so many women believe they are nothing without a man?

Below are some views gleaned from across the net.

VIEW 1:

"It pains me to see adult females downing women that have taken a path to a satisfying career, higher education, property ownership and self-actualization that did not include a husband and children. Why all the haterism? I've seen women posting very harsh and downright mean
things about women that profess that they are having a hard time finding the right man - these chicks say things like "I don't feel sorry for
her!" and "she needs to realize that having THINGS won't make up for love!" However when you look at their own relationships, they are full of drama, heartbreak, cheating, frustration and angst. Who in their right mind would be in a hurry to join that club? I just don't get it. Why are so many women brainwashed to think that their lives are only worth living if they have a man - any man - in their life? Why can't they be happy and satisfied being single as they work on themselves until the RIGHT MAN comes along?" -msheartbeat, Francisco@answerology.com

VIEW 2:

"If you were raised in the church to believe that you are nothing more than a helpmate to men, then your life has no meaning without man (to be a helpmate to..) Would men ever accept a life that told them they only existed to orbit around a woman and give up all their dreams to be what somebody else wants them to be? I don't think so. Basically, this type of teaching sets women up for failure because you can't MAKE another person happy. Happiness must come from inside. This sets women up for unhappiness and depression. Yes, it can work for some people for a short period of time, but abdicating power over your own happiness is not good for anyone." -Les Belle Dame Sans Merci@ answers.yahoo.com

VIEW 3:

"A woman who feels she's nothing without a man desperately needs a man to feel complete. She's not yet learned that empowerment is about emancipating herself from the mindset of "desperately needing a man" to feel complete. She has not yet learned to love and accept herself and finding worthiness and a sense of purpose in her own life - whether or not she has some one in it. She has not realized that she can create and attract into her life all the joy, love, fulfillment, purpose, happiness, health and direction she wants - whether or not she has some one in it. She is blind to her own inner beauty and, the inner strength that lies deep within her that will propel her forward beyond any disappointment, any sorrow or loss." -Nancy Wylde, from the article "Why Women Think They're Nothing Without a Man"

VIEW 4:

"Women have internalized a social and even cultural conditioning that says 'I am not complete until I have a man in my life.' This is where a woman for whom the major focus in her life is a man, or the lack of one, a woman who feels adrift or on the prowl, or one who feels that the world views her as abnormal without a male consort, one who feels listless and purposeless when "her" man is out of town, at work or anyway, not right there with here. There are degrees of desperate dependence, but the consequences are always the same. -Penelope Russianoff Ph.D, from the article "Why Do I Think I Am Nothing Without A Man?"

VIEW 5:

"If you feel like you need a man, find one. But a married man is not what you want. If he is cheating on his wife it shows he is not capable to keep his promise and would also break it with you. If you find a single man and he is nice, give him a try, but let him lead...that way it leaves no pressure on him and lets him either choose you or move on, that way it goes faster to find out if it will work with each other. What are the reasons women who have affairs with married men end up heart broken? Because the married men won't leave their wives. I know I need a man always, I will admit it. Women are just weaker then men, maybe not mentally, but physically , most of the time... we are, except in our legs. And lets face it, there are some things in life we women struggle to do, like change tires, or open the pickle jars, building our huts and mowing the lawn. I bet feminists hate me.. I am not saying we can't do it ourselves, but it is helpful to have someone who can do these things easier. Its the way things are meant to be. Men need us also." - thegirl8000@answerology.com on "Why Do We Women Feel We Need A Man?"

VIEW 6:

"Women who grew up with poor role models for fathers, emotionally distant fathers, abusive fathers or no fathers around tend to gravitate to older 'father figure' men or married men. I think the way women view men is based on how they were raised. My father has always been in my life and was always overprotective. So I never ever felt like I needed a man because I was raised partially by a man. The less male attention you got growing up the more you'll be searching for it when you get older. I would suggest women spend time on themselves. Leave men alone for a while and search for better things in life than attaching yourself to a man. The reason why women keep getting heartbroken is because men who don't have your best interests at heart can sense your insecurities. They can tell that you "need" them and exploit that need for their own selfish interests and will treat you any kind of way, because they know you'll let them. All you have to do is focus on you, then you can break this cycle." - bts4life20@wikianswers.com on "Why Do We Women Feel We Need A Man?"

VIEW 7:

"I'm a woman who doesn't need a man in her life. I'm everything sane without a steady man in my life. I had a horrendous upbringing which damaged my psyche so badly, I thought it best to avoid the wife and kids bit altogether and, just casually date. I went on and earned a doctorate in conservation and ecology and now oversee various wildlife reserves and nature parks. I love the freedom. Some say I hate men. Some claim I'm a lesbian too cowardly to 'come out of the closet'. But, in reality, I'm too emotionally damaged and, the potentially of damaging another's person's psyche is a risk I just won't take, because of my past. Some women and men shouldn't interact with the opposite s-x or the same s-x -- period. They're happier single and, I'm one of them. -rbac@aolvoices.com on "Women To Avoid"

Why do YOU think some women have this mindset?

Do you hold a similar mindset?

How's it working for you?

BABE3: err, they say, "don't speak when you're angry". So I can't cool off and have an alone time when I'm pissed at my partner because "he'd be hurt" by my silence? Isn't that selfishness ? I'll rather not talk till I'm "fit" to talk.


That's the point of make-up sêx; the thrill. At the beginning of the intercourse it may a little rough, but if your man's bed game is amazing, you'd forget about the fight before he cūms.


So, what you consider "abuse" is relative.

A cooling off period is understandable but AFTER the argument is what was noted as being emotionally abusive (destructive): "(Do you) give your partner the silent treatment for hours, days or even longer to punish him?"

As for the make-up s-x being rough at the beginning, yeah it's relative to those who don't mind such encounters, after a blowout argument. Others may differ.

Sophyrocks: I am completely immune to emotional abuse because i do not ever create room for such horrid treatment. You can only be treated that way once you allow it and show that it is o.k for you to be treated that way. I can smell a man who has the potential of being abusive from afar o just by having a decent conversation with him.

I came across a man like that last year. He was rather too fast for my liking, coming out too strong, had this domineering aura oozing out of him, was already playing the 'husband' part even though he had not made his intentions known. He also would call me all the time expecting me to pick his calls at the first ring, always wanting to come around and spend the night in my place of which i always vehement refused. If i didnt pick as fast as he wanted, he would nag and nag like an id1ot and an overgrown baby that didnt see breast to suck! i had not started dating the f00l and yet he was already on my neck and bugging me like a parasite!! Suffocating!! Always complaining that i dnt call, bla bla bla. Mehn, I carry my slippers pick race oooo. Up till now, he doesnt understand why i avoided him.

I believe in taking things slow and starting out as friends with a man before accepting to date him. Helps me a lot in avoiding certain kind of men. Being sensitive enough to pick signs of an abusive person is also key. Never ever allow room for abuse from the very begining. once you sense it, you better run!!

I have to agree with your general observations.

In my early dating days, I had some female relatives who held 'Womanhood Training Days' where they schooled the dating females on men to avoid, how to conduct yourself on dates, etc. We even had little skits acted out by some of the older male relatives. Very instructive but hands on training was the best training of all.

What was weird though, these types of man all seem to follow the same basic script. They come on strong, try to 'buy' you, worry the hell out of you, will stalk you, act like they 'own you, will try to 'block' any other man from approaching you, blow up your phone, etc....all before the first official date! lol

As I dated more, I also became quite adept on picking up how 'dangerous' some men were by the level of anxiety I felt when they were around me --that self-protective instinct that many women choose to ignore. Some even creeped me out big time. There was definitely no first date. All communication was cut off. The more stubborn ones only backed off after a little talk from my father, backed up with a 38. lol

That's the very reason a woman shouldn't jump into bed with a man too soon. It's best to hang back and closely study them and even enlist the help of older, more experienced female relatives, if you're unsure about a particular man's true motives and overall character.

This is why some of these predatory jackals prey on young women and not women around their own age. Most young women's self-protective instinct hasn't matured enough, so they stand little or no chance against older, more experienced men like this. This is also why I've never been a fan of most of these May-December romances. They're unbalanced and by their very nature manipulative and leave these young women open to be controlled, exploited, used and abused. They're in an even worse situation, if they marry such men.

But you know how some young women are. They think they know it all and will ignore any good advice and later on wished they'd listened.

So be it!

Experience is the best teacher, if you survive the drive!

BABE3: ⦁ "Give your partner the silent treatment for hours, days or even longer to punish him?

⦁Want to have sex after an argument and insist it's because you love her?"


How are these things abusive ? Ever heard of steamy make-up sêx?

First point.

Communication is vital in a relationship. Refusing to talk things out is undermining the very fabric of the relationship. Not only is this a childish, immature way for adults to handle disagreements, it tends to hurt the feelings of the one you're 'punishing', when you refuse to talk things out and ignore their attempts to do so. That's emotional abuse.

Second point.

Steamy, make-up s-x is usually accompanied by billing, cooing, heartfelt apologies and lovey-dovey words. It is different from someone who wants to have s-x, after a big argument, when s/he KNOWS you're not in the mood and coerces or forces you to have s-x, as a way of 'showing love'. It's a form of marital rape. It's also a way of establishing dominance. After such an encounter, the feelings after the act are far from loving. That's the difference and that's abusive -- emotionally and physically. It makes you feel dirty, used and resentful.

Are YOU Emotionally Abusive?

Emotional abuse in intimate relationships is a serious problem. Many people believe that physical violence is the only legitimate form of abuse. Victims say that emotional abuse effects them as much, if not more, than physical violence. Emotional abuse can lead to family breakdown, mental distress and physical illness, death, and has a negative impact on the children in the family.

The goal of this fact sheet is to provide information so that emotional abuse can stop. It begins with you.

Do you...

⦁Call your partner names or put him down?

⦁Prevent her from having her own life, going to school, work, or getting together with friends and family?

⦁Make decisions that affect your partner or family without consulting him?

⦁Criticize everything that your partner does, complain about how she cooks or takes care of the children?

⦁Do everything to win an argument including threatening or intimidating your partner?

⦁Give your partner the silent treatment for hours, days or even longer to punish him?

⦁Want to have sex after an argument and insist it's because you love her?

⦁Involve the children in your arguments, threaten to harm or take them away from your partner forever?

⦁Take away his hearing aid if he is deaf or hard of hearing?

⦁Blame your partner for everything and never admit you are wrong?

⦁Control the money and make all financial decisions?

⦁Lie and hide things from your partner?

⦁Refuse to listen to your partner's thoughts, feelings or concerns?

⦁Use her disability or deafness to belittle or control her?

Do you believe that...

⦁You have the right to make all the decisions in the relationship?

⦁Your partner is to blame when things go wrong?

⦁Women are inferior to men?

⦁Men are superior to women?

⦁Women's role is only to have children and take care of her husband?

⦁You alone know what is best for your family?

⦁It is only abuse if you hit your partner?

Think about it...

⦁Most victims say that emotional abuse effects them more than physical abuse. For some it is the main reason they leave.

⦁You can be criminally charged for threatening, stalking or harassing your partner or ex-partner.

⦁It is wrong to force or coerce someone into having sex. If the person did not consent, you can be charged with Sexual Assault.

⦁Children who grow up in abusive homes are more likely to have problems in school, and later on in life. Boys may grow up to be perpetrators of abuse in their own adult intimate relationships.

⦁Alcohol or drugs do not cause abuse. You are responsible for your actions.

⦁Unemployment and work stresses do not cause abuse. Most people experience problems in life, but not everybody is abusive.

⦁Many people may not understand emotional abuse or take it seriously. Find people that can support you to change.

⦁Everyone deserves to be valued, respected and safe, not abused.

Take Action Now!

⦁Many victims say that what they really want is for their abusive partners to take responsibility for their behaviour and go for help.

⦁Contact the community services in your area and ask for a referral. Be specific about what you are looking for. Programs may be offered in different languages, or for deaf and hard of hearing men and women through culturally specific community centres. For centres that do not have a TTY, contact the operator for the Bell Relay Service.

⦁If you live in an area where there are no services, talk to your family doctor or someone you trust. Look for written information on emotional abuse.

⦁Couples' counseling is not appropriate where abuse is involved. If you are abusive, it is your responsibility to change. Your partner is not responsible for the abuse.

⦁Support your partner if he or she is going for counseling and do not interfere or interrogate them about it.

⦁Do it for you! Accept that your partner may leave even if you go for help. Your counseling must not be a way to control your partner or keep him or her in the relationship. It will still benefit you, your future relationships, and your children.

15 Signs You're In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship
by Adriana Velez

Emotional abuse, while it leaves no marks, can sometimes be the hardest type of abuse to understand in a relationship. It's hard to imagine that someone who "loves you" could abuse you -- and besides, it's just words, right? It's not like you're being BEATEN. Sad truth is, while broken bones heal, the wounds left from emotional abuse can last a lifetime. Emotional abuse is a form of abuse in which a partner uses verbal assault, fear, or humiliation to undermine the other person's self-esteem and self-worth. Emotional abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse.

Here are some signs you're in an emotionally abusive relationship.

1. You're Afraid To Talk To Them About Even The Little Things. You're afraid to tell your partner about a normal happening - your car needs brakes, your boss made you work overtime - because you're not sure how he will react.

2. They Make You Feel Bad About Yourself. When you do talk to your significant other, she puts you down and makes you feel stupid.

3. You Put Them Above Everything Else. You make yourself available to your partner no matter what the personal cost - just to avoid a confrontation.

4. You Don't Want Anyone Else To Be Around Them. You no longer want to bring your significant other around your friends or family because you're afraid he will berate you and humiliate you in front of your loved ones.

5. You Think You Must Be Crazy. You've begun to believe that you're the crazy one -- that you're the one with the problem.

6. They Don't Support You. When talking about an accomplishment - a promotion or something equally exciting - your partner sneers at you, putting you down, mocking your achievement rather than celebrating it.

7. You Feel Trapped. You feel helpless, like you're trapped in the relationship.

8. They Treat You Like A Pet, Not A Partner. Your partner treats you like an object, like property, not like a person with real feelings.

9. They Control Everything About Your Life. Your partner keeps a tight control on all things: money, the phone, using the car, who you see and what you do.

10. They Say It's Your Fault. If you fight back, your significant other blames you for the abusive behavior. "If you weren't so dumb, I wouldn't have to yell at you."

11. You Feel Worthless. You've begun to see yourself as worthless -- just like your partner tells you you are.

12. You'll Do Anything They Ask. You'll go out of your way to please your significant other, no matter how much you have to sacrifice. If that means staying up all night to wash the floor, so be it. It beats the "lecture."

13. They Make You Think The Rest Of The World Is The Problem. You're in complete isolation. Your partner doesn't want you around your friends or family and has convinced you that THEY are the ones who are abusive to you - not him.

14. You Think You Deserve It. You've begun to feel as though you deserve to be treated badly. If you were a better person, you wouldn't make her so mad!

15. You Make Excuses For Them Constantly. You find yourself having to rush to her defense whenever she is brought up in conversation. You make excuses for her behavior regardless of the situation.

If you're in an emotionally abusive relationship or even if you think you're being abused but it's "not bad enough" to do anything about it, remember: It is. No one deserves to be treated this way, and everyone is worthy of respect. Even you.

Have you been in an emotionally abusive relationship? Did you get out of it? What would you tell someone who was being emotionally abused?

Source: marriagepartners.com

Phema: And who/where is Harper??

Stephen Joseph Harper (born April 30, 1959) is a Canadian politician who is the 22nd and current Prime Minister of Canada and the Leader of the Conservative Party.

aboyaji: OSO OSSA(I)

a nollywood comedy movie featuring Nkem Owoh

Nkem owoh was known to be a good man who doesn't support the evil plot in the community. Though he was poor, he was a straight-forward man.

Their king respected his judgement and verdicts

But, as a human being, he likes the things he sees.

(I)Am Legend

Will Smith plays a research scientist battling murderous mutants in a world almost depopulated by some pandemic, only to lose his life at the end. Scary, good movie. Highly recommended!

Next letter is D.

P.S. Very good, ya'll!

pweedyuz: UR POINT

My point?

Dialogue.

A new mode of thinking.

Have you ever known a woman to be everything a man SAYS he wishes a woman to be -- the perfect wife material for him -- yet when he lands her, he ends up treating her like poo -- then leaving her -- only to hook up with a woman not fit to lick his wife's shoes? I have. Many times. When men do this, it confuses some women. They don't understand it. Why pray for a good, virtuous wife only to treat her badly and run off with a lowlife woman?

Have you ever heard a man wonder out loud what could he possibly offer a woman who is truly independent, financially, but back off because he feels he's not needed for anything? I have. Many times. Why? Because men are generally socialized to protect and provide. So...what could a man possibly provide a woman who has obtained everything he is supposed to provide as a man/husband, except for companionship and babies? Men need to feel needed. That's just who they are. This type of role reversal confuses some men. This is why some men are very uncomfortable, when their wives bring in more money than them.

This is also why, in my family, it's a BIG SHAME for a husband to even suggest that his wife pitch in, financially. In his mind, the HUSBAND is the HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD, in every sense of the word and, HE is the one expected to protect and provide for his household. Any money the wife brings in is HERS and HERS alone, to do with as she wishes. Any man marrying any woman in my family is made very aware of this tradition, including MY hubby. AND...if any wife reports to the elders that her husband is suggesting she help out, God help him. He will be talked about like a dog...and in some cases shunned by the entire family.

20 Easy Ways To Be A Self-Righteous Christian
by Sammy Adebiyi

Lust is fairly easy to spot in the mirror. So is gossip and selfishness. Probably bitterness too. Self-righteousness? Well, that's so much harder to pick out of a line-up because often times it seems, feels, smells and talks like godliness. Ever wonder why the most self-righteous people in the New Testament were religious leaders? Hmm. I'm starting to wonder if self-righteousness isn't the hardest thing for a Christian to see in the mirror. What was that? You wish there was some kind of "how to know if you're self-righteous guide" written by a dread-head pastor from Africa? Well, folks, it's your lucky day.

Below are 20 quick ways to know if you've been bitten by the self-righteous bug.

1. It's normal for you to think you have or know " something" spiritually no one else around you has or knows. You also often feel like you have an "up" on others.

2. You assume or expect many people to look up to you because you're #1.

3. It's not uncommon for you to walk into a room full of Christians and think "they don't get it."

4. People are far often more offended by YOU and and your delivery than they are your actual message.

5. You guilt far more people to action than you inspire. You're right. They're always wrong. You have the discernment to tell who is going to Heaven or Hell and, no one dare challenge you.

6. You say things on Facebook about your faith and Christians that you'd never say in person.

7. You have no problem quickly questioning people's faith—i.e., you've posted a Facebook status or tweet that contained the following sentence: "I don't believe a Christian would …"

8. You never share your weaknesses or when you do, it always has a nice bow at the end of it.

9. You have a hard time relating to those who "don't get it."

10. You think the world would be a better place if everyone was like you.

11. You think your calling should be THE primary calling for all Christians, and deep down you believe it's the litmus test for true Christianity.

12. You assume the worst about people, and when you challenge others it's always, "You need to" and not, "We need to."

13. You actually secretly like and enjoy annoying and ticking off others when you challenge them. You anticipate it. It gives you a rush to tick everyone off. To set off a grenade in the room. (P.S.: Yes, I know Jesus ticked people off, but I don't think he enjoyed it.)

14. You're very slow to deflect praise when God uses you to make a difference.

15. You wear your good works on your sleeve, and you make sure everyone knows how you're making a difference.

16. You rarely publicly say sorry and you get so defensive when people challenge you or your delivery.

17. Your cheering section is only people in your camp. No one who disagrees with you cheers you on.

18. You're reading this list and getting SUPER defensive, or you're having imaginary conversations in your head where you're arguing with me and I'm losing.

19. You're reading this list and thinking, "None of this is me—I'm awesome."

20. People are intimidated by you, and you actually like that.

21. When you hear a convicting sermon, your first thought is, "I wish so-and-so were here to hear this."

22. You're mad that my title said 20 things and I just wrote 22.

Alright, folks, if you've made it this far—congrats.

Good news: If you can identify with some of this list, you're not alone. Welcome to the club. Be encouraged because God is not finished with us. This is just another part of the sanctification process.

Bad news: If you can't identify with anything on this list and you think it's for "others," you're probably more self-righteous than you realize.

What would you like to add or highlight from the list? How have you seen any of these play out in you or others?
____________________________
About the author...
Sammy grew up in Nigeria. He is currently the Young Adult Pastor at North Point Church. He's also a national speaker for The Mocha Club. He lives in Ohio with his wife Ashley, daughter Bebe and Saint Bernards MJ and Milo.

SOME men are confused.

Besides companionship and children, what can a man possibly provide for a woman who is more than capable of financially supporting herself and has already obtained everything HE is supposed to and/or socialized to provide, as a husband?

"What does such a woman need me for?" they ask.


ON THE FLIP SIDE...


SOME women are confused.

Why does a man leave a woman, even after she gives him everything?

"I gave you everything, so why are you leaving me?" they ask.

Is it possible she's doing something wrong?