ayans4: I would remarry and raise a decent family.

If you were my sister or daughter, this is exactly what i will ask you to do. There is no time to waste with this insincere husband of yours.
The time for you to act is NOW!

@ Biola bee, yes I am employed and have a good job.....my strategy is to seek for annulment, and pray I get it quick to help me move on with life.....
@ Breathless....thank you so much.
@ slimyem....what's your opinion?

@OP

Just last month,i delivered a child after almost 2 years of TTC,so i understand the longing for a child.
I am very sorry your husband deceived you,the betrayal is mind blowing but at the heart of it all we humans are selfish and will think of our wants and needs first before anyother person.I'm sure his whole mind was fixed on marrying you first then dealing with the consequences later without caring about how you would feel.

Truth is that if the shoe was on the other foot as your inlaws have shown you,by now you'd been considering bathing in river out of desperation to give him a child and stop the torment.In about 70% of TTC Nigerian families where theres so much peace and the man is always screaming and shouting wait on God,and his family is very supportive of the woman,the problem is likely him.It's in a handful of cases that you see a man willing to stay the whole mile and is still very very good to his wife.

What do you want to do?It's entirely your choice.As evryone has pointed out,the only way you can get your own child is
1.MIRACLE(Not the fake port hacourt type oo) 2.DONOR SPERM 3.DIVORCE AND REMARRY.

Your decision when you get over the hurt and betrayal will hinge mainly on the kind of man your husband is.Some men are just soo good,loving and kind.If he were a man like my hubby,i'd stay with him and explore other options.There's a kind of man that's worth more than 10 children oo.

To adopt a child takes a special kind of person with soo much love to give which isn't discriminatory.People who are able to give love and show love to a child despite not coming from their own wombs.Not everyone is cut out for that.
A child from donor sperm is yours and will have your own DNA.In this scenario too,it takes a special kind of man to accept the child with his whole heart and love the child with everything.Not tomorrow,he will start maltreating the kid for no reason.

I've seen that you've already started finishing your hubby as in saying he lies and is a coward,lol.You know when we are displeased with the actions of our spouse is when we remember all their bad traits..even something small becomes magnified.As for running away in the market, ..My own dad is a student of ben johnson and would escape too.Not everyone is made to be a hero..
Are you telling me that you married a totally useless man upon all your spirituality?Mba nu.I believe it's the anger and hurt in you speaking my sister.

If you use donor sperm,your husband and family would most likely turn a blind eye cos they know the situation on ground.Many kids even in Nigeria are conceived this way and it's hidden because they feel it's a thing of shame that a man can't father a child.
Someone asked if the man is faithful,ofcourse he will be for now,he has to be on his best behavior cos he needs her on his side.His behavior would be best judged before his secret came to light cos that's the true person.

Till stigma is removed from TTC,people will keep suffering and hiding when there are soo many other available options.
Even if you go for tests before marying,there are many cases of unexplained infertility.The couple are medically sound but just can't conceive.

My Dear,no easy way out.Its up to you.Stay,adopt or donor sperm, OR say goodbye and move on.

^^ Sorry derailing but i have to wish SeanBell congratulations. I have been following your diary since your conception and am happy he has finally come. Congratulations once again.

Op, seanbell has stated some serious points, all hope is not lost talk to him and tell him how unhappy you would be in life if you dont have children. If you have a heart to love an adopted child as your own and he agrees good for you then but i would advise the sperm donation

Seanbell,congrats.I also followed your diary religiously. You didn't update on the good news.
Love your imput on this issue too.

We need to understand that so many deceivers are plenty in church today to cover their story and lure innocent and unsuspecting people to bondage like this.


The husband knew his condition and believed the easiest place to cover up his frailty and weakness is in the church where some Christians are gullible enough not to do their due diligence.

If a situation like this arises, there is no short cut to it, divorce him and chart a new course for your life. I will stand by this. If your husband believe in miracle or the power of God to transform his condition, he wouldn't have told you a lie or hid his condition from you. He wouldn't let his family subject you to such initial ridicule, he wouldn't allow you to pressurize him before doing the needful. He is not fit to have a woman as a wife. He lost it completely.



I am not a religious person, am only a disciple of Christ. I still stand by my initial submission, test run does not solve any problem. The most potent way as a Christian is to get the manual of an individual from the manufacturer. ASK GOD IN PRAYER..HE WILL REVEAL EVERY HIDDEN THINGS TO YOU. IT HAS AND STILL WORKING IN OUR LIVES.

@ teeo, sperm donation.....just once or subsequently after each birth? Then what would make me different from a woman with children from different men?
apart from that....do I know the total history of the donor? does madness run in their family?
or, are they epileptic, diabetic, have curses pursuing/following them?
is the donor a robber etc....the questions are endless......

@ Bellong....thanks alot.
it is even in the Bible that marriage is not meant for everybody...."some have been made not to marry" Mathew 19 VS 12.

The whole marriage was based on deceit hence it is a marital fraud: You have been swindled by this man.
If I am you (fortunate I am not): Seek the annulment of the marriage, It might be difficult because he might claim he told you before agreeing to marrying him.
2: Move out of his vicinity and the area:
3: Take time off to heal, to begin again, do not rush into other relationships as there might be worse men out there.
4: I wish you the best of life.

We only live this life once and at the end it's not how many years we have used in life that mattes, it is how much of live we have in those years.

For those who are saying its for better for worse: Please put yourself in her shoe:
For those who are saying Test before you marry: The man is sterile he is not just fertile, He can perform but cannot produce... that is the difference.

Thank you slimyem and teeo,I updated in my diary oo with a pic of him

I doubt there's any Nigerian woman who would leave out the option of having her own biological children for adoption especially when she's perfectly okay.

Op says she wants her own children with her eyes,nose,ear and all that and every woman can identify with the feeling that gives.

This man doesn't deserve any sympathy for this big deceit. If he had been sincere,op might have left him but he would sooner or later have found someone willing to love him like that and/or compromise. Probably a single mother with one or two children of her own and willing to keep his secret by considering DS or adoption.

All the best op. May HIS grace see you through this.

SeanBell: Thank you slimyem and teeo,I updated in my diary oo with a pic of him

Rushing off to see rightaway.

@ Kind.way, he wouldn't dare to....I thought about it and recorded some of our conversations where he appreciated the fact that he got married to me as a Virgin and asked for my forgiveness....and continue our lives as a family.
@ slimyem....thanks once again.

seriouly am rethinking

ayans4: @ teeo, sperm donation.....just once or subsequently after each birth? Then what would make me different from a woman with children from different men?
apart from that....do I know the total history of the donor? does madness run in their family?
or, are they epileptic, diabetic, have curses pursuing/following them?
is the donor a robber etc....the questions are endless......

Hmmmmm, a relative could be the sperm donor, a younger brother or a cousin at least with that your sure the same blood flows

ayans4: Dear N/Landers, I need your sincere opinion on this.
I got married to my husband over two years ago as a virgin, cos I had this policy of no sex b4 marriage, and after some months, there was no sign of pregnancy, asked him if in the past he got any woman pregnant becos he was sexually active, he answered in the affirmative, asked him for the baby, he said "they" had an abortion, so I tried all I could as a person TTC, used the OPK, PTK all the quality multivitamins, tried all I mean all that was recommended to do.
meanwhile, after we got married, I noticed his Testis was "funny looking", asked him, he said that I should leave it as that's the way it should be.
after some months of TTC, and about a year after our marriage, I consulted a gynecologist, who recommended we run a comprehensive check, coincidentally at my place of work, we run an annual compulsory comprehensive check up, and on examining me, my womb, tubes and other vital organs got a clean bill.
meanwhile, I had gone for different tests (follicumetry etc) to check for ovulation....all still came out well.
I had to encourage hubby to go for his tests as "the earlier the better".....
In July last year, 2012; I encouraged him to go for a Seminal Fluid Aanalysis/ Test. When the result was supposed to be out,I asked him for the result and he told me that the test came out inconclusive and had to be re-run as "air" got into the container.
I asked a lady close to me who is medically inclined about the possibility of the result coming out inconclusive as a result of this. she later made me understand that from her findings, that the possibility was slim as there would have been some findings/ result from the tests done.
Three months later,I went visiting his mother, and eventually, his siblings embarrassed me,during a quarrel threw my bags out, asked for my children etc maybe due to the fact that their brother's wife that was just married was already pregnant.
That made me serious about the whole Trying to Conceive thing.
I kept encouraging him to go for a test as if there are treatments he would need, the earlier he gets it, and the earlier we overcome the Trying to conceive challenge, the better. He was very reluctant, but when I insisted, he went for a test, and afterwards, I had to mount pressure on him to disclose the result.It took him like eternity to tell me about it. he eventually sent the result to me via SMS and, it is the WORST form of infertility anybody can suffer. its AZOOSPERMIA! that is, they could not find one sperm cell dead or alive in his ejaculate/semen.
I went online, did some research on the condition, and found out it was caused by conditions including undescended testes at birth. I got to know that we would need an urologist to examine him, I called on different Doctors I know who we could see and even went online to check for an urologist in Nigeria. I was advised to visit any Teaching hospital. we visited LUTH( meanwhile he was and has always been lackadaisical about the whole TTC issue. at different times, I asked him if he had anything I needed to know or if he was hiding something from me that the earlier he tells it to me, the better.)and at LUTH, I got to discover he hadn't just I testis, but also went for a surgery for undescended testes and that surgery was not done until he became eleven.
I became sad and asked him why he did not disclose this condition to me before we got married as the doctors have concluded that the only solution is adoption or Donor sperm (DS or get another man to "do the deed".
I have looked at these options and they are not agreeable by me becos to me, the whole marriage was based on deceit becos not just him, but his family knew about his condition and also did not disclose.
I told him I am not ready to continue considering the implications of these options:
if we are to use the DS, how many times do we have to use the DS to make babies that is, after the first success, we have to get another donor some other time for subsequent pregnancies to take place; then what would be the difference.....with a woman that gives birth for different men....
and the truth is that I can't sin against God by getting other men....in the name of getting pregnant, rather, I told him I would remarry and raise a decent family.
meanwhile on hearing my decision, his family members are saying that I should not quit.....but I told them that the little experience I have had of them, am sure they would have married a new wife for him if it case were to be the other way.
Please what is your view....I need sincere answers.
Please....if I were your sister,daughter, friend, what would you be your opinion?
Thank you
AYANS4.

If you had don counseling before the marriage certain things would have been avoided> if you did then God is in control

mysticgal: seriouly am rethinking

Same here. If she could trust her husband so much and she got paid back like this, then i wonder.

OP, like Efemena said, think this through. Please think of the future you have always desired. Will your in-laws accept the adopted child? What pains me here is the fact that your husband was not sincere enough to fill you in on his predicament. It would have been easier if your husband was honest with you on this from the start. Since you have made it clear you don't want a donor and adoption is a no-no, taking a walk might be the most convenient option.

Grace is what you need.

@ teeo, what of the future implication of this.
when the child/ children become "somebody/ some people" in the society and the relative comes knocking as the biological father.....?

why did these guy not check medically before releasing this kin of secret

haba,,,, 3rd parties are not the best in a marriage

breathless: AYANS4, I sincerely feel 4 u. f u were my biological sister, my human nature will ask me 2 tell u 2 walk away but my spirit man says otherwise. U `ll go down in history as one of the few modern women dat got married as a virgin in a world dat is so so corrupted. The least u deserve is a honest n sincere man 4 a hubby n a truly happy home n family.
However, pls ask ursef again and again, what and why did u marry dis man? If its 4 just procreation, then u re missing it. Becos other than dis, u seem ok wt ur marriage.
your story is similar 2 dat of a lady who while dating d hubby confided in him dat she had 2 D & C in d past. Now 3 yrs into d marriage, she yet 2 conceive and d hubby goes 2 his in-laws 2 reveal d secret d wife told him. She was so devastated she almost died of depression. Now upon further medical examit was discovered dat d problem actually is wt d hubby similar 2 dis scenario.
I don`t know how strong ur faith is, if only u just believe n trust in GOD. With HIM all things are possible. A good number of suggestions have bn made particulary wt reference 2 divorce, which not an option here. I`ll pray n trust God along wt u believing he `ll make a smile on ur face someday soonest.
Stay blessed Mummy.

@ Biolabee....sorry, I don't understand your last post.

teeo:

Hmmmmm, a relative could be the sperm donor, a younger brother or a cousin at least with that your sure the same blood flows

If this lady is your sister would you advise her to do this or put yourself in her shoe? I have no sympathy for an insincere person.


@OP, please just follow your heart. In this case, there is nothing like for better or for worse.

ayans4: @ Biolabee....sorry, I don't understand your last post.

which one... about 3rd parties?

I meant that the influence of third parties usually is negative in a marriage

If its not that one, please quote it...

since you are economically stable, well you are not tied to the man because of financial ebnefits so the decision is really yours but a man who has allowed his family to ridicule you for something he was responsible for ... well i dont know

Is he the one that suggested the donor sperm or its from you

Geomac:

If this lady is your sister would you advise her to do this or put yourself in her shoe? I have no sympathy for an insincere person.


@OP, please just follow your heart. In this case, there is nothing like for better or for worse.

Hey Mister, i guess you havent been following the trend of events, she asked a question as regards sperm donation and its alternatives, in real am dealing with something similar to this so i know what am saying. I have said it before the best thing for her to do is move on with her life but if wants her marriage and its sperm donation she needs, a family member to the husband might be her best option. This is an option i want to believe she wouldnt be taking.

teeo:

Hey Mister, i guess you havent been following the trend of events, she asked a question as regards sperm donation and its alternatives, in real am dealing with something similar to this so i know what am saying. I have said it before the best thing for her to do is move on with her life but if wants her marriage and its sperm donation she needs, a family member to the husband might be her best option. This is an option i want to believe she wouldnt be taking.

Apology sincerely tendered!

Tgirl4real:

The main hurt here is that he hid it from her. I am sure she isn't blaming him for his ill-health.

On the contrary, I would say that the main hurt here is that he took away her freedom of choice. What he did was self-centered (thinking about his wants only) and cowardly (afraid to take the risk of her leaving him).

A real man in this situation would have laid his cards out on the table and told her exactly what the situation is/was, and then left her to make her own choice. She should have been given the choice to decide whether or not she wanted to get into the marriage boat with him, knowing he couldn't have kids of his own.

It's a risk he should have taken and trusted her to make the right decision. You might be surprised, telling her the truth from the onset would probably have made her love him even more and they would have explored other 'options' available. But like I said, he 'took' that choice away from her, and replaced it with deceit.

ayans4: @ Ocheezie...this condition existed before our marriage and he did not tell me about it.
meanwhile, he knew some other people that wanted to get married to me.
apart from that, before marriage, we ran some tests, and to be sincere with you, for no reason I insisted he ran some tests, syphilis,Gonorrhea,fertility test etc since he was sexually active before marriage and told him that I was ready to submit myself for any test.
after the HIV, hepatitis tests,while still in the lab, he was like why was I bordered about the fertility test afterall it is God that brings Children and you know when you insist, its like asking a man if he is a really a man/ insulting .....I still wish I insisted he ran that fertility test.
would not know if I would call it naivety...cos I was in my twenties....

And more deceit from the man.

There is just no other way to colour it, he knew exactly what he was doing and even when the heat got too much, re: his family attacking her and throwing out her belongings, he did nothing about it! Please!

Na wa oh! I can't believe I'm going to mention this as suggested by someone here earlier...

Ayans: Would you consider having a sperm donor from a member of his family, so that at the very least, the family can't claim that the child isn't theirs or has no right to bear the family name? (Choi!! I can't do it o! I really can't...but this isn't about me...)

@ OP : Are you a Christian? Do you believe in the bible? Are there conditions attached to the vows you exchanged before men and God (Like 'I am saying I do only on the condition that there are no secrets you are hiding from me), do you believe that God hates Divorce and that if you are divorcing you are doing that only on the basis of adultery and there can be no subsequent marriage as long as your ex-husband is still alive? Are you aware that infertility is not one of the grounds for divorce neither is failure to disclose health condition?. Are you willing to take a chance should the act of divorce be found to be indeed capable of depriving you of entry into God's eternal kingdom where neither marriage and motherhood have no relevance?

Look at the man you are married to and ask yourself if you would have felt completed and fulfilled with him, if there is no infertility issue? Besides the infertility, is this man a good man, your dream man? Is this man generally a liar or this is a one off thing?
You have to understand that no family is perfect and everyone has their secrets hidden behind the smiles and giggles that we are seeing all over the place.

My suggestion may seems a bit off, but if you do not want to divorce and you do not want children that you cannot call your own, and this man you are married to is really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, get any of your husband's brothers, preferably a married one to make the sperm donations. Your children will be yours and they will carry what is practicably nearest to your husband's genes. Your marriage will be intact unless you choose to make it otherwise and your children will always belong to one family line. It is what the old testament would recommend.

Otherwise, you can just go and remarry, have children and live happily until every time someone shows your the part of the scriptures where God says your marriage is an adultery.

There is no easy solution to this problem. I pray God will guide you right.

@ OP : Are you a Christian? Do you believe in the bible? Are there conditions attached to the vows you exchanged before men and God (Like 'I am saying I do only on the condition that there are no secrets you are hiding from me), do you believe that God hates Divorce and that if you are divorcing you are doing that only on the basis of adultery and there can be no subsequent marriage as long as your ex-husband is still alive? Are you aware that infertility is not one of the grounds for divorce neither is failure to disclose health condition?. Are you willing to take a chance should the act of divorce be found to be indeed capable of depriving you of entry into God's eternal kingdom where neither marriage and motherhood have no relevance?

Look at the man you are married to and ask yourself if you would have felt completed and fulfilled with him, if there is no infertility issue? Besides the infertility, is this man a good man, your dream man? Is this man generally a liar or this is a one off thing?
You have to understand that no family is perfect and everyone has their secrets hidden behind the smiles and giggles that we are seeing all over the place.

My suggestion may seems a bit off, but if you do not want to divorce and you do not want children that you cannot call your own, and this man you are married to is really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, get any of your husband's brothers, preferably a married one to make the sperm donations. Your children will be yours and they will carry what is practicably nearest to your husband's genes. Your marriage will be intact unless you choose to make it otherwise and your children will always belong to one family line. It is what the old testament would recommend.

Otherwise, you can just go and remarry, have children and live happily until every time someone shows your the part of the scriptures where God says your marriage is an adultery.

There is no easy solution to this problem. I pray God will guide you right.

I appreciate your logic and honesty on your feelings

She is really in a tough place

Your analysis on marital arrangements being clean or unclean on the basis of religion is mint

Efemena_xy:

On the contrary, I would say that the main hurt here is that he took away her freedom of choice. What he did was self-centered (thinking about his wants only) and cowardly (afraid to take the risk of her leaving him).

A real man in this situation would have laid his cards out on the table and told her exactly what the situation is/was, and then left her to make her own choice. She should have been given the choice to decide whether or not she wanted to get into the marriage boat with him, knowing he couldn't have kids of his own.

It's a risk he should have taken and trusted her to make the right decision. You might be surprised, telling her the truth from the onset would probably have made her love him even more and they would have explored other 'options' available. But like I said, he 'took' that choice away from her, and replaced it with deceit.



And more deceit from the man.

There is just no other way to colour it, he knew exactly what he was doing and even when the heat got too much, re: his family attacking her and throwing out her belongings, he did nothing about it! Please!

Na wa oh! I can't believe I'm going to mention this as suggested by someone here earlier...

Ayans: Would you consider having a sperm donor from a member of his family, so that at the very least, the family can't claim that the child isn't theirs or has no right to bear the family name? (Choi!! I can't do it o! I really can't...but this isn't about me...)

So if I may ask what about the hubby's deliberate deceit

baldman: @ OP : Are you a Christian? Do you believe in the bible? Are there conditions attached to the vows you exchanged before men and God (Like 'I am saying I do only on the condition that there are no secrets you are hiding from me), do you believe that God hates Divorce and that if you are divorcing you are doing that only on the basis of adultery and there can be no subsequent marriage as long as your ex-husband is still alive? Are you aware that infertility is not one of the grounds for divorce neither is failure to disclose health condition?. Are you willing to take a chance should the act of divorce be found to be indeed capable of depriving you of entry into God's eternal kingdom where neither marriage and motherhood have no relevance?

Look at the man you are married to and ask yourself if you would have felt completed and fulfilled with him, if there is no infertility issue? Besides the infertility, is this man a good man, your dream man? Is this man generally a liar or this is a one off thing?
You have to understand that no family is perfect and everyone has their secrets hidden behind the smiles and giggles that we are seeing all over the place.

My suggestion may seems a bit off, but if you do not want to divorce and you do not want children that you cannot call your own, and this man you are married to is really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, get any of your husband's brothers, preferably a married one to make the sperm donations. Your children will be yours and they will carry what is practicably nearest to your husband's genes. Your marriage will be intact unless you choose to make it otherwise and your children will always belong to one family line. It is what the old testament would recommend.

Otherwise, you can just go and remarry, have children and live happily until every time someone shows your the part of the scriptures where God says your marriage is an adultery.

There is no easy solution to this problem. I pray God will guide you right.

Congrats on this ..

Your thread on a cursory glance looks so interesting

Will go back later..

SeanBell: Thank you slimyem and teeo,I updated in my diary oo with a pic of him

free2ryhme:

If you had don counseling before the marriage certain things would have been avoided> if you did then God is in control

why do you think so... that she missed it because of marriage counselling
will marriage counselling reveal that he had a fertility problem

ayans4: @ teeo, what of the future implication of this.
when the child/ children become "somebody/ some people" in the society and the relative comes knocking as the biological father.....?

hmmm this can be a work around but for a family that had already victimised you because of their perception of the condition

They can use you to raise the child and claim that child

I just feel it is low making fun of someone's fertility issue
The person is already suffering,,, haba

ayans4: @ Biola bee, yes I am employed and have a good job.....my strategy is to seek for annulment, and pray I get it quick to help me move on with life.....
@ Breathless....thank you so much.
@ slimyem....what's your opinion?

This strategy is not bad... however i belive yu need to give yourself some time to think it through
What are your parents saying

Maybe you need to pack out of that home for a temporary separation / redeemed camp retreat or mountain journey and think it through all the pros and cons of each option considering the impact and seek divine guidance

biolabee: So if I may ask what about the hubby's deliberate deceit

My perspective is that if she wants to avoid divorce, she will have to deal with that, as a Christian, the deceit is no ground for divorce. She will have to deal with that, the damage has been done, you don't cure an headache by cutting the head. If she can find a place in her heart to forgive him, she should and try to move on, thank God he is not impotent.



Someone ask what will happen if the biological father comes to claim the children? Yoruba proverb says " O n bi ni ko to o n wo ni' the one that procreated a child does not have a better standing than the one that raised the child, moreover, that is something that the man who married without having regard to his condition should be prepared to deal with. But for the woman, her children will always be her children.