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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? (18610 Views)
My Marriage Is Crashing, I Think I Hate Him...Help / I’ve Had Two Warning Dreams About Sleeping With My Sister (please Help) / Your Sincere Opinion Is Needed (2) (3) (4)
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Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by Nobody: 10:33pm On Jul 06, 2013 |
bukatyne:she packed out of her matrimonial home to her parents without a divorce. She is still legally married to the man therefore she has absolutely no right to put the man in between the devil and a tight place and then turn back to rebuke him for choosing the devil. Be objective for once will you ? |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by maclatunji: 12:23am On Jul 07, 2013 |
OP if it were my sister, I would tell her to walk out of the marriage as in divorce and be discreet about the reason to the public. There was deceit before the marriage and you did nothing wrong as a spinster and wife. The fault is your husbands. 1 Like |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by Nobody: 3:44am On Jul 07, 2013 |
maclatunji: OP if it were my sister, I would tell her to walk out of the marriage as in divorce and be discreet about the reason to the public.U r just so on point! A faulty foundation in marriage has no remedy especially in dis issue.assumin they(hubby and his pple)don't know,then a diff approach will be needed. Its always good to lay ur cards on d table b4 u tie d knot.how many abortions,age,how many women u gave belle and denied(meanwhile d lady is heapin one million curse on ur head),how many kids u hv outside etc.once they surface, that will be d beginin of d end of some marriages. |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by Nobody: 6:12am On Jul 07, 2013 |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by maclatunji: 6:54am On Jul 07, 2013 |
chaircover: Ive gone back and read every single of the op's posts line by line and nowhere has she said that the husband admitted that he knew that he could never father a child. My sister, this lady took this guy for screening against STDs and was a virgin. The very least the guy owed her was to let her know he had his testes operated on. An 11 year old is not daft, he would know that having your testes operated on is not normal. Besides, all of this is beside the point. If either party in a marriage is infertile, the other party has the right to leave that marriage discreetly without humiliating their partner. It is harsh and tough but my God, it is the right thing to do if you want to be honest to yourself. 2 Likes |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by Nobody: 7:14am On Jul 07, 2013 |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by EfemenaXY: 8:59am On Jul 07, 2013 |
^^ Because he was already sexually active and had told her so. So it stands to reason from a precautionary point of view that he be checked. Although I don't see what the need for her to do it at that time, was for, as she was a virgin. Except perhaps, to further prove her purity to him. |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by biolabee(m): 9:09am On Jul 07, 2013 |
Efemena_xy: ^^ because he may be infected..... or she from other means asides sexx |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by maclatunji: 10:00am On Jul 07, 2013 |
chaircover: The truth though bitter, from a religious point of view adultery is the only reason for divorce. She should choose a decision that she will be able to live and feel comfortable with. No one can make it for her and no one can judge her because she is the one going through it and knows how it all feels. I am not a Christian but you need to check again your interpretation on this matter. Like you said, time for truth. |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by fuzek: 12:31pm On Jul 07, 2013 |
From a Christian point of view, this marriage can be annulled because it was a false marriage. The man knew exactly his condition, that's why he was calling those things that be not as though they were. He should have told her before the marriage and then she could join faith with him if she wanted. Now the only solution is to annul the marriage and hope he tells the next woman the truth. This has nothing to do with divorce because it is a marriage founded on lies and God cannot be part of a lie.....so it was never really a marriage. All the best OP, and next time don't judge from outward appearances. Let God lead you. |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by gabbytabby: 9:57pm On Jul 07, 2013 |
Children generally is a deal breaker for a lot of people. If the OP was the one who played the same falsehood with the husband what we might be hearing might be the case of a woman beaten to a pulp and thrown out of her husband's house. You know him and only you can decide if he is worth all the unecessary complications not just for you but your children also. The fact that he did not feel honour bound to tell you such a thing before you married him means he is not a man of honour. It is not adviceable to stay in such a marriage and it should be annulled. He has laid his bed of deceit and should lie in it. |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by ayans4u: 10:26am On Jul 08, 2013 |
Good morning Dear N/landers.....thanks for all your contributions so far.....had some problems with my password....so I had to create an alternative account with a similar id. to most of your questions.....Chaircover, ile et al......the family requested I give them till December to find a solution...and "he" told me that he is open to the DS. NOW ....as to whether he and the family knew from the beginning....I would say yes if you ask me becos: 1) I earlier highlighted my experience so far....his prayer point, his plea afterwards that we should continue our lives as a "family".....don't forget that I haven't been able to say all I have experienced but may have to mention that after our marriage in while in the TTC journey, I discovered from research (what I was able to read-up in the internet) that men are supposed to experience the "morning wood" when they wake up.....(which I hadn't noticed with him for the past 1year + of being married to him) I asked him about it...and his response is that it is not compulsory and it does not happen to every man! 2) His mum did not for 1 sec ask me why I was not getting pregnant....and to date, has not shown any worry as to my not "conceiving" please note that the day his siblings threw bag out, she was not at home.....and he too was very lackadaisical about the whole TTC issue. 3) After our marriage, when we discussed about the names for our kids....guess his suggestion....our first child will be called Miracle and you say he did not know?......anyway, for those that have wondered what I am doing on this platform....since I have made up my mind....you would not believe the lightness I feel now....since the first day I posted this here.....it was such a burden for me!.....but with the opinions, views...etc....I see the situation better and can't help but say thank you to all as I even better appreciate his position and what must have caused his action/inaction. Thank you. |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by Nobody: 10:36am On Jul 08, 2013 |
Well there definitely are clues that he knew before hand. My main goal for making that comment was to get you to examine that possibility in case it would be of help to your decision making process. But you definitely know the situation better and there are things you can't share online too. Sorry you have to go through such deception. All the best dear. 2 Likes |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by biolabee(m): 10:37am On Jul 08, 2013 |
if he is open to DS that is ok... but the issue is raiseing kids with this guy knowing all you know i hope he is not the kind that will chase you out in the future .. well the kids are not mine All the best in your decision December is not so far.. moreover its good time to explore all the angles thoroughly and God may present a solution in good time 1 Like |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by Nobody: 10:51am On Jul 08, 2013 |
Personally, I would go for a divorce, and move on with my life. I've been there before, and I know what it's like. My ex-wife did the same to me. She was anorexic as a young teen, and by the age of 26, had been diagnosed with POF (Premature Ovarian Failure). So she'd never have kids, ever. In her case, she told me before we got married, this was when she was 38. I accepted her condition, as we had looked at surrogacy and/or adoption. What got me mad was she changed her mind, after we got married! There's nothing worse than this sort of deception. You may well say "deal with it", "God's time is the best", etc. But guess what? Life's not like that. You may decide to ride it out, and feel you can cope with not having kids. But trust me, each time I saw kids in their buggies and strollers, I had that ache. I wanted kids of my own, and with my wife digging her heals in, and being obstinate, I embarked on a series of affairs, not caring if she found out or not. I didn't bother covering my tracks, as I was at the point of no return. I couldn't be with a woman who was a blatant liar, the thought of spending the rest of my natural life with her chilled my blood. I'm not saying the OP should do what I did, but she needs to be sure what sticking with a guy who would con a woman into marrying her could do to her. I'm a guy, and the thought of never having kids touched my very soul, I can't begin to imagine what it must be like for a woman, with the maternal instinct raging within her. And for those who will tell me "God hates divorce", they can all take a long walk off a very short plank. It's all too easy to come across as self-righteous when you're not on the receiving end of the biggest deception that could ever occur in matrimony. I moved on with my life, and I've got two beautiful children, and couldn't be happier. 4 Likes |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by Nobody: 11:00am On Jul 08, 2013 |
^^^Ride on papa Sachi and sienna. Nothing do you |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by slimyem: 11:03am On Jul 08, 2013 |
Siena: |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by Nobody: 11:05am On Jul 08, 2013 |
1 Like |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by biolabee(m): 11:07am On Jul 08, 2013 |
Long walk, short plank Short walk, long plank Just walk on by Nice post.. And may you be fulfilled with those kids My uncle had to do the same after so many years .. His first kid is now 10 Sorry for derailing 1 Like |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by Nobody: 11:18am On Jul 08, 2013 |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by Nobody: 11:20am On Jul 08, 2013 |
ocheezie: I'm assuming you had a Christian wedding. And that this is a form of sickness for your husband. And that in the marital vows,you said 'I do' to...in sickness and in health,till death do us part. U can't divorce him on grounds of ill-health. If u weren't going to have pre-marital sex, u should have done fertility and other tests prior to taking those vows. Hard as it may sound,adoption is an option.so many kids out there seeking motherly love,even around you. The solution lies with you and ur man, not here,not with his ur family or friends. Talk it over.what if u divorce him and the next man,God forbid,has d same issues,or develops something like it afterwards? U move again? Yes, infertility is a health-issue, with that I agree. But as for the deception here, this can have greater consequences than if you discovered your spouse had HIV. Blatantly concealing anything to do with fertility, something that could make or break a marriage is the issue here. At least, if he'd let her know of his condition BEFORE tying the knot, she would have had the choice of saying yes or no! And as for her moving on, and meeting another guy with the same infertility issues, and lying tongue, that's not very likely. Besides, she'd have learnt from this mistake. Because that's all it was - a huge mistake. 1 Like |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by Nobody: 11:25am On Jul 08, 2013 |
chaircover: Siena The poster said that she is a Christian and I know that it’s her “belief” that made her come here looking for solutions and not just walking away the moment she found out. Chaircover, I'm a Christian too. Christians are human, and it's the humanity in us that decrees we make mistakes, not all that God will approve of. Humans are not perfect, we take our chances, and hope we live long enough to seek God's forgiveness. I'm not speaking based purely upon hypothesis, I'm speaking based upon experience. Prior to my experience, if anyone had asked what I would do in such a situation, my decision could have gone either way, but lean strongly towards dissolution of the marriage. Because a marriage based upon deception has very little hope of survival. I have since prayed for God's mercy and forgiveness, and believe I have been forgiven. 2 Likes |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by ayans4u: 11:31am On Jul 08, 2013 |
Thanks Siena.... I can really identify with that feeling of having my own children.....just yesterday, a new neighbour's "help" was carrying a baby on her back, and I just wanted to touch/carry the baby, and the help just told me she was on her way to.....so there fore...no time for such....do you know that I almost broke down to tears immediately....I had to go into my bedroom to cry my heart out as....if I had my beautiful kids....would I even notice the baby....talk of....but it is well! |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by Nobody: 11:34am On Jul 08, 2013 |
ayans4u: Thanks Siena.... Ayans, I know the feeling, and my heart goes out to you. I trust you'll make the right decision for your own circumstances. Mine worked for me, it may well be different with you... It shall be well... |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by Nobody: 11:36am On Jul 08, 2013 |
1 Like |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by Nobody: 12:04pm On Jul 08, 2013 |
Actually, I've only just realised Ayans has not had intercourse with her husband. So technically, she won't need a divorce. She can go for an annulment, as the "marriage" wasn't consummated. Annulments are closely associated with the Catholic Church, which does not permit divorce, teaching that marriage is a lifelong commitment which cannot be dissolved through divorce, but can be annulled if invalidly entered into. The Catholic Church considers a Catholic marriage to be a contract entered into between a man and a woman before God, with the priest overseeing the wedding ceremony. If any condition is lacking, then there was no valid marriage. A Catholic annulment is a finding that there was only a putative marriage under canon law. The contract is defective of contract if it was not a marriage that was contracted, such as if there was a defect of intent on either side. This can occur if either party lacked the intent to enter into a lifelong, exclusive union, open to reproduction. Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Annulment |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by biolabee(m): 12:07pm On Jul 08, 2013 |
^^^^^ er,,erm I think she has had consummation of the marriage as the husband is capable of bedding a woman The issue is the fertility 1 Like |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by Nobody: 12:07pm On Jul 08, 2013 |
ayans4u: Thanks Siena....It is well my sis.I cry with u also.pls ask for God's wisdom at ur quiet time,he will lead u towards d right part.I feel for u and also feel for ur man.I must admit that he needs all d encouragement he can from all.it wasn't his fault at all. Gosh,I pray for God's intervention. What is ever fair? 1 Like |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by ayans4u: 12:31pm On Jul 08, 2013 |
@ Siena....Biolabee is correct.... the marriage has been consummated....but would still go through the link provided...thanks a lot. |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by EfemenaXY: 12:36pm On Jul 08, 2013 |
Siena: Personally, I would go for a divorce, and move on with my life. Wow Siena! What an experience! Bless you and your family! You know, this post of yours only goes further to prove that only a person whose actually found themselves in similar situations or have experienced something similar are the ones who understand the @OP's pain best. It's all to easy for those who haven't walked the path as she's currently on, to throw religious books at her face, citing numerous quotes, excerpts and passages from an ideological point of view. Her situation is painful to say the least, especially as she was tricked into marrying him. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, that decision to make her own CHOICE was taken away from her. It's annoying to say the least and that resentment towards him would always be there. Having said that, I still do empathise with him and sincerely hope this matter between them comes to a head, to put them both out of their misery. @OP, question for you: You've mentioned that both your husband and his family have asked that you wait till December till a decision is reached. So what happens in the meantime? Would you continue living apart from him, choosing to stay with your mum? Or would you go back to your husband's home? And if you do decide to continue living with your mum till then (December), what are your expectations of your husband, with regards to his sex.ual needs? You do know that as long as you're both married, it's an obligation that has to be fulfilled on both your parts, moreso if he requests this of you. At the end of the day, he is a man and he does have needs too, that need to be satisfied like any other human. It's easier for us women to hold off than for men. Sorry to ask such an intrusive question but I had to, based on an earlier statement you made about you "saving your body" for your next "husband". I'm also trying to keep this as realistic as possible by letting you know that he is human and is entitled to ask this of you. (Apologies if this sounds harsh...) 1 Like |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by Nobody: 12:43pm On Jul 08, 2013 |
See the issue with OP is that the said husband disvirgined her. If we carefully read through the bible, we will realise that the disvirginning of a woman represents the actual consummation of marriage not the vows or feasting. Those are just distractions. Exodus 22:16 "If a man seduces a virgin who is not pledged to be married and sleeps with her, he must pay the bride-price, and she shall be his wife" and again Deu 22:28 "If a man finds a girl, a virgin not engaged, and lays hold on her, and lies with her, and they are found, " Deu 22:29 "then the man who lay with her shall give to the girl's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife. Because he has humbled her, he may not put her away all his days." I do not have the energy to type but the fact that OP was a virgin and the said man disvirgined her as changed everything. On another note, the OPs husband is not impotent, he is only infertile like some people have already pointed out. That means he is capable and indeed carries out his conjugal duties. The issue here is Ops obssession with children which is probably influenced by her strong African upbringing. To be fair, many Europeans and Americans will not find her husbands case am anomally why ?? Because the dude can perform in bed and THEY LOVE HIM GENUINELY. OP is only practicing the african version of marriage I am truely concerned that most people commenting are missing this fact. |
Re: Your Sincere Opinion To A Sister Please!- Do you think I can get married again? by ayans4u: 12:49pm On Jul 08, 2013 |
Thanks Efe....though my decision may be "inconsiderate" in your opinion, but you would agree with me that I need a "working mind" now than ever...so, another reason the issue of se.x is a no no...is to make me as objective as possible in making any decision rather than rely on sentiments....apart from the fact that....consent to my body was "deceitfully" gotten....so considering his "need" at this time could also mean I would have done same if informed earlier...or could in another sense connote forgiveness and agreement to move on and continue the "family". ...as per from now till Dec.....they have to lay the cards on the table for me.......then I would decide......if the "solutions" are not "repugnant" to good conscience....then we may have to take it from there. moreover, I did not fail to remind them that I am a woman, and have to take into cognizance the fact that the biological clock ticks..... |
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