baldman: My perspective is that if she wants to avoid divorce, she will have to deal with that, as a Christian, the deceit is no ground for divorce. She will have to deal with that, the damage has been done, you don't cure an headache by cutting the head. If she can find a place in her heart to forgive him, she should and try to move on, thank God he is not impotent.



Someone ask what will happen if the biological father comes to claim the children? Yoruba proverb says " O n bi ni ko to o n wo ni' the one that procreated a child does not have a better standing than the one that raised the child, moreover, that is something that the man who married without having regard to his condition should be prepared to deal with. But for the woman, her children will always be her children.

Now that is so true.

You see, I'm beginning to think we Nigerians make our lives unnecessarily complicated, even more than our 'Oyinbo' brothers / folk. I don't think this would have been too much of an issue for them with regards to looking up the various options open for them...Adoption, surrogacy, etc.

Some would even take it in their stride and say, "Okay, we can't have kids but we can adopt, foster or even sponsor a needy child..." Some even resort to having dogs, cats, rabbits, fishes, etc as pets. Childlessness is not a do or die affair to many of them.

But in Naija? Married with no kids?? Lai-lai...that matter no go ever end! Unfortunate but true, and that's what makes the @OP story really heart rendering...

I feel deeply sorry for you, and no one here really understands what you are goin thru better than you do, its like being on a cross road and you don't know which way 2 go. I imagine you having the tot of you living d rest of your life this way, especially considering the fact that you married a virgin..it must be very painful.

I couldn't but agree with my stance and majority of other posters stance on the thread earlier quoted, you said after ur wedding you saw d testicles and asked him (can't really recall au u typed that part) but my point is had it been you'd test drived, we are not saying aving d real sex, you would av noticed what you noticed after d wedding earlier thereby prompting questions and mayb he would av opened up then, who knows

No mata what, i see this as wickedness, deceit of d highest order, and 4rm ur subsequent posts the man is not worth it, not even his family. Ivf, sperm donor, adoption is not an option, you deserve 2 have ur own children, lyk you said, children with your nose type.. Children you can be proud of..but seriously speaking divorce is not really a good option 2 me, aldo mayb the best option you have now, many will disagree on this but marriage is a covenant 4 beta 4 worse, its rilly complicated

All i can say is may God give you wisdom 2 handle dis situation, let him direct you and he will surely seee you thru, and please stop crying, try 2 worry less cos of ur health, also be strong, you are a superwoman, and who knows a miracle can happen, dia are some whose partner are fertile and after dia honeymoon, they had an accident as a result d man cannot perform again, and pls weigh ur pros and cons before making a decision cos ur nxt decision will make or mar you and ur future, we can't decide 4 u, only you can decide 4 ur self. I wish you the best and a divine solution 2 ur present situation.

I have discovered we answer christians by mouth only but no action. Op where is your faith? Are you going to believe the doctor's report or God's report? Many people will jump at this story because it supports their stance on pre marital sex. Whether you like it or not God's standard doesn't change. Pre marital sex is sin QED. Have you heard of couples who stayed years without any issue? Are there condition any better than yours? And what is their story now if not babies all the way. Who do you think gives children. I don't know why christians treat their issues carnally and not from a spiritual perspective. Granted your hubby lied but I can assure you this is a true test of faith, that you need to overcome to get God's blessing. Op you might be the next testimony. However, your decision to make. As for me I have made my point. One thing I know is this God is always faithful.

hmmmmm

May God help us

baldman: My perspective is that if she wants to avoid divorce, she will have to deal with that, as a Christian, the deceit is no ground for divorce. She will have to deal with that, the damage has been done, you don't cure an headache by cutting the head. If she can find a place in her heart to forgive him, she should and try to move on, thank God he is not impotent.



Someone ask what will happen if the biological father comes to claim the children? Yoruba proverb says " O n bi ni ko to o n wo ni' the one that procreated a child does not have a better standing than the one that raised the child, moreover, that is something that the man who married without having regard to his condition should be prepared to deal with. But for the woman, her children will always be her children.

@Op, I know you feel betrayed, do you still love him?

This life sha...My sister abeg forget advice follow your heart.

Don't do anything with anyone in secret, that you know when it goes public will destroy you. The day you guys fight, he will pack you and you illegitimate children out! This kind of guy is better off marrying a single mum and being a step father. Than marrying a wife and having her sleep with another man for pregnancy. Should he die suddenly, the family will tell you who and what you are. Also tell the children to their face. It will take a very rare man to truly accept this. Lookout for yourself abeg, and get an anullment. The marriage was based on deception. Never bring another mans kids into your husbands house. No matter how enticing it is because at the end of the day, you will be exposed.

baby_123: Don't do anything with anyone in secret, that you know when it goes public will destroy you. The day you guys fight, he will pack you and you illegitimate children out! This kind of guy is better off marrying a single mum and being a step father. Than marrying a wife and having her sleep with another man for pregnancy. Should he die suddenly, the family will tell you who and what you are. Also tell the children to their face. It will take a very rare man to truly accept this. Lookout for yourself abeg, and get an anullment. The marriage was based on deception. Never bring another mans kids into your husbands house. No matter how enticing it is because at the end of the day, you will be exposed.

True that.

I also suspect that her overwhelming desire to have her own biological children might just tip the scales for her in favour of exiting that marriage. Apart from the deceit and betrayal which she's obviously still reeling from, she's highlighted certain characteristics of her husband's attitude to her which will probably make her even more determined to leave him.

I really do feel for her. She went by her beliefs, trusting wholeheartedly only to be repaid with this? Poor girl...

ayans4: @ sub zidi...when it comes to faithfulness....you know what it is like.
you may not say 100%...but I could rank him 95%....but in other aspects, am sorry to say, I don't think so....as I noticed after we got married that he lies and covers it up, is not organized financially, has failed to protect me at different times when the situation arose.....(ran away without me in the market one day when there was a small fracas of some touts)...and some unprintable traits.....

these are terrible let alone the ones you can't print.. My Dear you need to do fasting and prayer and go with what your spirit tells you he is not honest he let your family throw you out when they all knew he was the cause. He left you in the market when you were in danger and ran. Did you not see all this before choosing him from the others?

Please why did you marry him what were the good things that made you say I do make a list of good and bad and see which list is the longest.
Also when we are pointing a finger 3 is pointing back at you if you don't know how you attracted this man you may end up attracting worst.

ayans4: @ teeo, sperm donation.....just once or subsequently after each birth? Then what would make me different from a woman with children from different men?
apart from that....do I know the total history of the donor? does madness run in their family?
or, are they epileptic, diabetic, have curses pursuing/following them?
is the donor a robber etc....the questions are endless......

you knew this man and his family and look at all the surprises he sprang on you.. No matter what you choose do it with a spiritual backing

We have to be sincere with ourselves to see this lady in question as a wonderful woman and a virtues woman.
She has done what an ordinary woman could not have done by her sincerity.
To be sincere here, her husband and his family members are a bunch of wicked people with no conscience.
She is still in this relationship now because she was smart enough to have discovered how wicked her husband has been. I believe if this man had opened up to her when she asked of how his tastes were, she would have managed the whole situation and couldn't have been here to open up on this sickness threatening to kill her and make her develop BP.
In as much I do not support divorce, I would counsel you- OP here, if you are a christian and would believe in miracle and the spirit of forgiveness for the sake of God, ONLY if your husband can agree to do as you want,I will suggest you take him to SCOAN for deliverance if you believe in the power healing of God.
God can change his situation if he is willing to accept his fault and look up to God for divine healing. This issue might turn up to be the turning point in his life as a healing could bring the best happiness into your marriage and make him the best husband.
Two wrongs cannot make a right and also NOTE that there are no two perfect people on the entire face of this earth. The devil you know is better than the angels out there that you don't know.
Sarah and Abraham went through divine power of God healing and Sarah took in and that made Abraham father of All Nations.
I believe if you seek God's face if your husband is willing, you might end up becoming a blessing to the entire people here and others going through similar case. No negative condition is permanent in the presence of God. Have hope and forgive if you truly love him and love God and to keep to your marriage vows. I pray God to give you the wisdom o handle this sensitive issue of yours and shame the devil.

His family knew the problem was his and still blamed you for it?

Well, since you asked as a sister and because he deceived you and made you suffer at it,

there is no reason to pity him and you deserve happiness and to have children.

Let go of him, be free, happy and a mother.

Good morning Dear N/Landers.....thanks for all your responses, I really appreciate them.
lemme get you updated on what transpired yesterday/ this morning.
on the issue of trust, I am afraid his ranking has seriously dropped to negative from the 95% I earlier rated him.
I said it earlier that he lies and covers them up but someone said my judgement could be based on what has transpired. pardon me, but I beg to differ!
I actually moved out of the house in January this year though my things are still there, but like I said earlier, the family called for a meeting on Wednesday, 03/07/2013; in order to in their opinion, find a "solution", but u can't believe that just yesterday after work,(cos I stay with my mum), he came to our place at some minutes to 11.00pm, I asked him why he came in late and he made me understand he went visiting a friend that lost his mum. meanwhile, this friend of his works in the "protocol" Dept of a Bank; he got to his acclaimed friend's place around 4.00pm and was told he went to the airport, so he had to wait for him till 9.30-10.00pm, sensing he was lying cos I have studied him and can tell when he is lying, I asked him what the GSM is for and why he did not call him before getting there as he must have communicated his visit beforehand. I told him to try another formula as that lie did no "gel". I took his GSM from him though the battery was low, charged it with a desktop charger and found out that he was with a lady until some minutes to 10.00pm; as I could see the call logs and the message sent by the lady to him on friday for a date at an eatery on that friday. I called his friend ( in his presence) who he claimed he visited yesterday, expressed my sympathy on the demise of his mum, and asked when last he communicated with him.(though from the call log, 'twas on the 24th of June.) his friend said he can't remember when last he communicated talk of when last they saw.
I called the lady also in his presence, exchanged some pleasantries with her, told her "he" has told me about her, she confirmed they meet yesterday, and are supposed to see today after work.
so tell me dear people......
meanwhile, I could not sleep last night, watched a movie on STV around 3.00-4.00am and cried my eyes out cos of the story....I just wonder why mine is just different and why this is happening to me.........
the whole matter has made me lose weight. I have practically gone from a size 12 to a size 10....can barely concentrate at work.....

kind.way:
The whole marriage was based on deceit hence it is a marital fraud: You have been swindled by this man.

The bolded is the crux of the matter.As if that is not bad enough,he's aware of how much trouble she's been through ttc so much as getting ridiculed by his family members,yet kept mute.If not for op's insistence he would never breathe a word of it out.He even lied about impregnating a woman...now that's plain wickedness.

op,your decision to invalidate your marriage to him and remarry is your best bet imho

@ Stegomiah, thanks for your contribution, but even before we got married, I asked him if he was believing God for any healing as he was always talking about healing and miracles....
after our marriage, when we pray, its either he prays that "he that calls forth the things that are not as if they were....." or he says we are fruitful and productive in season and out of season.....those were part of what raised my brows....though I initially took them as innocent prayer points....

ayans4: @ Stegomiah, thanks for your contribution, but even before we got married, I asked him if he was believing God for any healing as he was always talking about healing and miracles....
after our marriage, when we pray, its either he prays that "he that calls forth the things that are not as if they were....." or he says we are fruitful and productive in season and out of season.....those were part of what raised my brows....though I initially took them as innocent prayer points....

Please I want you to give me a sincere and unseasoned answer to the question I will ask below.

How did you meet him and what was your conviction about him before you married him? What formed your final decision in marrying him?

Your sincere response will go a long way to educate some people and put somethings in perspective.
Thank you

Please and please Op, don't get a sperm donor and NOT from his family; you dont want to have a child of his blood.

The best thing to do is to leave him. You deserve for this to end as soon as possible.

I wish you the best.

Thanks Bellong,
I met him in church, and one of the reasons I got married to him is that he "appeared" (now I know better)to be God fearing that's my number 1 quality, then he does not drink alcohol,.....then he is homely.

intbizoil: I have discovered we answer christians by mouth only but no action. Op where is your faith? Are you going to believe the doctor's report or God's report? Many people will jump at this story because it supports their stance on pre marital sex. Whether you like it or not God's standard doesn't change. Pre marital sex is sin QED. Have you heard of couples who stayed years without any issue? Are there condition any better than yours? And what is their story now if not babies all the way. Who do you think gives children. I don't know why Christians treat their issues carnally and not from a spiritual perspective. Granted your hubby lied but I can assure you this is a true test of faith, that you need to overcome to get God's blessing. Op you might be the next testimony. However, your decision to make. As for me I have made my point. One thing I know is this God is always faithful.

@intbizoil, I am a Christian and please do not Tempt God. Stop questioning the OP that where is her faith? let's ask< if the husband want to claim to be a good Christian which I doubt he is, Why did he cover his infertility with lies? up to the extent that the priest ask Did you know of any reason why they should not be joined together. Do Good Christian lie or decieve others even taking marriage oath with a baggage of lie and deceit...the same thing goes for ladies that are not virgin and lied that they are so they can get married.

Deceits, Lies, Cover ups are not justifiable in marriage and it is not a test of faith, Tell me any instance in the scripture where lie has been justified as a test of faith? Stop preaching Heresy, If the op says God told her to go ahead and marry the guy if the guy has come clean with his health status way before the marriage, It is a different case.

Pre marital sex is a sin so is lie and deceit like you said God standard does not change.

For those who a saying that Divorce is ungodly: She is not getting divorce, she is seeking for ANNULMENT of the marriage based on deceit and lack of Trust:

even if she want a divorce, She just got another ground as this man is into another lady according to the ops:

My 1 bututs.

@ayan4, before reading your penultimate post, I was going to beg you to leave. Now with this latest development, I'm on on my knees begging, LEAVE THIS MAN! There's no such thing as for better for worse where this kind of deciet is involved. Pls, life is to short to waste with this kind of person and his people. You deserve to be happy with your own children.
I hardly expose personal stories here but I will share this. My mum's step brother is also ttcing for over 7 years now. Initially, his mum (mum's stepmum) would advise him to go and impregnate another woman, bring her in and chase the wife away. my mum told her to stop filling her son's head with that kind of reasoning (if it was her daughter nko). Now, its been revealed that its the hubby is the one with sperm count issues. His mother is now singing a different type of song, a good wife stands by her husband through thick and thin etc. But the wife is so fed up now. according to her, he's still imbibing the habits the doctors told him to do away with and its come to her knowledge that he's cheating on her. its my mum and his elder sister that are still cajoling her to hold on a bit longer. I told my mum to advise her to go. She's not getting any younger, her biological clock is ticking. If it was one of her children, would she advise her to stay? The lady in question married very young and she's still quite attractive, she still has hopes of remarrying. Is it when she's attaining menopause that it will occur to her that she's been wasting her life with a man thay doesn't deserve her? I'm giving you the advise I would give my step-aunt if I ever get the opportunity to talk to her. LEAVE!

If you got married in the Catholic Church, this is more than enough grounds for divorce . .

# just saying!

ayans4: Thanks Bellong,
I met him in church, and one of the reasons I got married to him is that he "appeared" (now I know better)to be God fearing that's my number 1 quality, then he does not drink alcohol,.....then he is homely.

Thank you for the response. I asked because some people thought that you heard God told you to marry him knowing the problems he has. A lesson is that not all those that put up sanctimonious face and attitude in the church fear the Lord. Some are there to deceive and cover up secrets. That is why I always advocate having a personal relationship and devotion with God. Learn to hear directly from Him about all issues and not from Pastors or prophets. Theirs should only be a confirmation of what you know.

To the religious folks who think DECEIT is not a basis for divorce, Why does the priest ask this question from the couple before the solemnization.."If any of you know any reason why you should not be joined in holy matrimony, he/she should speak..." The question directed to the couple before the congregation. The question is normally asked for situation like this.

OP, I would have recommended you stick with him believing a miracle but from what you have painted about him, he is not ready for such nor ready to make his path straight with God. If and when you eventually decide to follow the divorce path, After doing your due diligence, learn to hear and get concrete information from DIVINE about who you will eventually settle with. It is well with you

GBAM gidi GBAM!!!

bellong: To the religious folks who think DECEIT is not a basis for divorce, Why does the priest ask this question from the couple before the solemnization.."If any of you know any reason why you should not be joined in holy matrimony, he/she should speak..." The question directed to the couple before the congregation. The question is normally asked for situation like this.

---

dominique: @ayan4, before reading your penultimate post, I was going to beg you to leave. Now with this latest development, I'm on on my knees begging, LEAVE THIS MAN! There's no such thing as for better for worse where this kind of deciet is involved. Pls, life is to short to waste with this kind of person and his people. You deserve to be happy with your own children.
I hardly expose personal stories here but I will share this. My mum's step brother is also ttcing for over 7 years now. Initially, his mum (mum's stepmum) would advise him to go and impregnate another woman, bring her in and chase the wife away. my mum told her to stop filling her son's head with that kind of reasoning (if it was her daughter nko). Now, its been revealed that its the hubby is the one with sperm count issues. His mother is now singing a different type of song, a good wife stands by her husband through thick and thin etc. But the wife is so fed up now. according to her, he's still imbibing the habits the doctors told him to do away with and its come to her knowledge that he's cheating on her. its my mum and his elder sister that are still cajoling her to hold on a bit longer. I told my mum to advise her to go. She's not getting any younger, her biological clock is ticking. If it was one of her children, would she advise her to stay? The lady in question married very young and she's still quite attractive, she still has hopes of remarrying. Is it when she's attaining menopause that it will occur to her that she's been wasting her life with a man thay doesn't deserve her? I'm giving you the advise I would give my step-aunt if I ever get the opportunity to talk to her. LEAVE!

ayans4: Thanks Bellong,
I met him in church, and one of the reasons I got married to him is that he "appeared" (now I know better)to be God fearing that's my number 1 quality, then he does not drink alcohol,.....then he is homely.

Madam, you never made any mistake going into this marriage and nobody should doubt your sincerity in this marriage.The issue here is that devil played a trick on you by giving you an unrepentant man and a lair who is not willing to accept his mistakes and moreover messed up the whole situation by having to lie again using his friend in which you were able to decode to be false.
You cannot die out of trying to make things work. If I may suggest again after my earlier contribution here,have you met with the pastor who officiated your marriage to let him know what you are experiencing and the discoveries you have made about your husband? Have you also discussed with your parents on the need to vacate that marriage and seek for divorce and if they are in support? If you have done this and they are in support, move ahead with your life. The marriage is still early and since no issues/children and he is still playing games, let him face his new found love and try to find peace for yourself, but make sure you follow the right steps to dissolve the marriage.

@ Andyanders, thank you.
yes I met with the pastor when the "drama" started unfolding, and even spoke with him today on what transpired yesterday.
I have an appointment with him this evening.
my family is not happy at all with him, especially in their opinion, for something like this happening to a "person" like me......
but all in all, I thank God because its good riddance to bad rubbish!

intbizoil: I have discovered we answer christians by mouth only but no action. Op where is your faith? Are you going to believe the doctor's report or God's report? Many people will jump at this story because it supports their stance on pre marital sex. Whether you like it or not God's standard doesn't change. Pre marital sex is sin QED. Have you heard of couples who stayed years without any issue? Are there condition any better than yours? And what is their story now if not babies all the way. Who do you think gives children. I don't know why christians treat their issues carnally and not from a spiritual perspective. Granted your hubby lied but I can assure you this is a true test of faith, that you need to overcome to get God's blessing. Op you might be the next testimony. However, your decision to make. As for me I have made my point. One thing I know is this God is always faithful.

Please and please, let us not be selective in our reading. The man is not a Christian abi? What is the test of her faith? lies? deceit? If the hubby had told her before hand that he was not fertile ans they prayed and agreed to got ahead with the wedding, then volia! that is faith.

We will not see 'do unto others as we want others to do unto us' but we will see 'if your brother offends you, forgive 70 X 7 times.'

Please let us stop been Christians when it suits us. Jesus clearly said not every one is destined to marry. The man might have been one of those.

This is not about test driving or whatever

ayans4: @ Andyanders, thank you.
yes I met with the pastor when the "drama" started unfolding, and even spoke with him today on what transpired yesterday.
I have an appointment with him this evening.
my family is not happy at all with him, especially in their opinion, for something like this happening to a "person" like me......
but all in all, I thank God because its good riddance to bad rubbish!

Be courageous and put your trust in God and pray to Him to always take a decision for you. You cannot die out of silence and since you have cried out, I pray to God to give you the wisdom because whatever that is happening now, devil is behind it.
Deceit is the worst thing any man or woman can stand on and build marriage. He has surely messed up. Still forgive him of his actions based on forgiveness if the pastor affirms your separation but move on with your life and I pray you find peace.
I think this should bring you closer to God and always ask Him to guide you in every of your future decision.

ayans4: Thanks Bellong,
I met him in church, and one of the reasons I got married to him is that he "appeared" (now I know better)to be God fearing that's my number 1 quality, then he does not drink alcohol,.....then he is homely.

God will see you through

Don't think it's because you didn't have se.x or because of something you did wrong that's why this happened

It's well with you.

baldman: @ OP : Are you a Christian? Do you believe in the bible? Are there conditions attached to the vows you exchanged before men and God (Like 'I am saying I do only on the condition that there are no secrets you are hiding from me), do you believe that God hates Divorce and that if you are divorcing you are doing that only on the basis of adultery and there can be no subsequent marriage as long as your ex-husband is still alive? Are you aware that infertility is not one of the grounds for divorce neither is failure to disclose health condition?. Are you willing to take a chance should the act of divorce be found to be indeed capable of depriving you of entry into God's eternal kingdom where neither marriage and motherhood have no relevance?

Look at the man you are married to and ask yourself if you would have felt completed and fulfilled with him, if there is no infertility issue? Besides the infertility, is this man a good man, your dream man? Is this man generally a liar or this is a one off thing?
You have to understand that no family is perfect and everyone has their secrets hidden behind the smiles and giggles that we are seeing all over the place.

My suggestion may seems a bit off, but if you do not want to divorce and you do not want children that you cannot call your own, and this man you are married to is really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, get any of your husband's brothers, preferably a married one to make the sperm donations. Your children will be yours and they will carry what is practicably nearest to your husband's genes. Your marriage will be intact unless you choose to make it otherwise and your children will always belong to one family line. It is what the old testament would recommend.

Otherwise, you can just go and remarry, have children and live happily until every time someone shows your the part of the scriptures where God says your marriage is an adultery.

There is no easy solution to this problem. I pray God will guide you right.

Mr. Baldman,

Go and reread your Bible well and come back.

P.S.: Christianity is different from religion

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^^ nice idea but the fact is that is the man ready to be a rock during these trying times

travel and medical costs, attendant nausea of treatment and body invasions by strangers, low success rate are some of the costs

na wa
It is well