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Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by LookmanTalk: 8:54pm On Oct 12, 2015
Can you please elaborate on your experience? thanks

anyaekekehinde:


I had to painfully quit a relatuonship lately bkos of this issue of physical attraction, I was nice to the babe, caring and all, but i felt since i was not physically attractive to her, no point in staying with her. Though she later started begging and saying sorts, but i have moved on
Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by LookmanTalk: 9:00pm On Oct 12, 2015
Your comment/contribution is highly appreciated and understood. Are you saying she should ignore what bothers her and just close her eyes to it?
naijadeyhia:


If she is Christian then she should stop talking about being attracted to the guy as a criteria. What does the bible talk about marriage? Did God consult Adam before giving him eve? He just came out of deep sleep and saw the woman.

No, I don't think she is being a true christian to think that way. And I don't think it's rational to think that way either.

It would have two implications:

1) No homely people, no plain people, would get married.
2) Those who get married when they are pretty, and then change when they get old—lose their hair, get wrinkles, and get flabby—would fall out of love and would have no good marriages anymore.

I mean, that's just ridiculous. And yet I suppose the question is asked because there is such an emphasis, I guess, in our culture that if you don't look really attractive you're probably not going to get married. If you don't look really attractive, you're probably going to cause your wife or husband to go looking for somebody else. And there's a lot of books out there, I suppose, that say to a wife or husband that you're going to lose this guy or girl if you don't stay really pretty or handsome.

Well, he or she should try to stay as attractive as they can. But you can't put that on any of them. You can't make his faithfulness the outcome of her looks or vice versa. That's just not the way it works.

We are called as men to be faithful the way Jesus is faithful to his bride. And his bride, frankly, stinks! We are not that attractive! He died to make us attractive, according to Ephesians.

I think when Jesus looks at us, if he doesn't look at us in himself, he's not going to be excited about this marriage feast at the end of the age.

The word "biblical" in this question is perhaps intended to take me to a text. And of course the text that comes to mind is, when it speaks to beauty, 1 Peter 3:3: "Don't let your beauty be the outward beauty of the wearing of gold, and the braiding of hair, and the wearing of clothes."

It doesn't say "fine clothes." It's just "clothes," so you know it's not an absolute, as though not wearing clothes is good thing. It means the jewelry, the hair, and the clothes are not the focus. And our culture needs to hear that unbelievably. Marriages need to hear it, men and women need to hear it. That's not the main focus of beauty. The focus should be the inner spirit.

So women should ask, "What kind of spirit should I cultivate for my man and vice versa?" as well as, "How should I eat and dress and exercise for my man?" And the man should do the same: "What kind of inner spirit makes her flourish?" because there is a kind of spirit in a man that kills a woman or frightens or bores her.

And a man shouldn't mainly be pumping iron. Because, frankly, most women could care very little about what their husbands look like, unless they're just making fools of themselves. They want a spirit, a strength, a humility, a nobility. They want someone to pick them up and sweep them away.

In their worst moments women Mostly read novels about exciting romances, because their husbands are so boring!

And so it cuts both ways. I think we husbands should labor not so much with the outward man, and the women shouldn't labor so much with the outward woman. Rather, we should all cultivate the kind of beauty that we all deeply long for in relationships.

A marriage is a relationship. When you're old, gray, wrinkled, overweight (or underweight), squinty, bent over, and hobbling along, maybe you'll be holding hands at 85 because of the inner beauty.
Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by Nobody: 9:06pm On Oct 12, 2015
LookmanTalk:
Your comment/contribution is highly appreciated and understood. Are you saying she should ignore what bothers her and just close her eyes to it?


Marital love involves valuing your spouse's body. But this isn't exactly the same thing as finding it attractive, at least not in the way we typically think of finding something attractive. We may inadvertently assume that being attracted to something is primarily about its level of attractiveness. Attraction seems like it just happens without our conscious participation, and we therefore conclude it is beyond our control. You're attracted to someone, or you're not, and that's that. But attraction seems so automatic because we are culturally influenced even at the level of desire. Our preferences unwittingly imitate the narrow criteria for beauty reflected in fitness magazines or clothing advertisements, in the fashion of the day or the remarks of family members.

Without dismissing entirely the mysterious nature of attraction, I wish to point out that we are more capable than we often recognize of directing our preferences. We should not presume that our initial aesthetic sensibilities are an unchallengeable law within us. We have some level of direction over them.

The basis for attraction is valuing an actual person, body and soul. Husbands and wives should be attracted to one another because they value the whole person, not because they happen to like olive skin or a firm body. Those things change, but physical attraction need not. Attraction is more a matter of my commitment to value the full breadth of who my spouse is.

This principle can inform the way we seek a spouse. Perhaps this means that singles should be willing to direct their affections toward potential spouses they may not initially find attractive. My reasoning is not that looks are unimportant—remember, our bodies are a vital aspect of who we are. Rather, my reasoning is that our opinion of what constitutes good looks must not be an idol carved in stone. We need to be willing to challenge our own preferences regarding physical attraction in light of the greater principle that attraction stems from valuing a person.

How do you do this? Honestly, I don't know. There is a level of mystery to the whole thing that we can't escape. But maybe it could start with simply acknowledging that weak physical attraction is not necessarily a permanent situation. If you know a potential mate who is godly, relates well to you, and would otherwise be a worthy spouse, you should not feel guilty for feeling unattracted. Instead, holding your preferences with an open hand before the Lord, ask him what he would have you do. You may decide to pursue this person—then, you determine to appreciate God's design, body and soul. You may be surprised at just how strong such properly grounded attraction can become.

1 Like

Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by faith551(m): 9:07pm On Oct 12, 2015
anyaekekehinde:


I had to painfully quit a relatuonship lately bkos of this issue of physical attraction, I was nice to the babe, caring and all, but i felt since i was not physically attractive to her, no point in staying with her. Though she later started begging and saying sorts, but i have moved on


But hats the point, if you dnt have that physical attraction for her and go ahead marrying her, coming home after work will be boring, and you will easily fall prey to temptations

1 Like

Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by Nobody: 9:12pm On Oct 12, 2015
faith551:



But hats the point, if you dnt have that physical attraction for her and go ahead marrying her, coming home after work will be boring, and you will easily fall prey to temptations


You seem not to realize that the foundation of this lady in question is a Christian one and the rule guiding her in relationship is different from yours which is why she seems to be having this struggle. Its between her body and her spirit. He body seeks attraction but her spirit sees different.

1 Like

Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by faith551(m): 9:23pm On Oct 12, 2015
naijadeyhia:



You seem not to realize that the foundation of this lady in question is a Christian one and the rule guiding her in relationship is different from yours which is why she seems to be having this struggle. Its between her body and her spirit. He body seeks attraction but her spirit sees different.


Can you imagine, so am a Hinduist nau, if she's a Christian then why is she asking the question? Let her go ahead and marry him nau. I wasn't saying the guy is bad or anything am just saying before u go into marriage u must be in terms with your resolution.
One thing with us is that we spiritualize everything, Christianity is a religion, but then there is character, attitude and personality. From the post, the girl doesn't really know if she likes the guy, but all she's saying is that the guy is a Christian, now are you telling me there is no Christian guy out there that his attitude and appearance will be compatible with that of the girls?
She said she doesn't like his appearance and that she doesn't think she'll be comfortable showing him off even before the marriage, so what do you think will become of them in 5 years time? Aby holy spirit go change the guy appearance or make her proud to show him off? They will be living their life in pretence and one day problem will come in, maybe divorce follows and then regret.
Make una no disturb me on this matter again, the Op asked for advice and I gave him a piece of my mind, and he's OK with it, so what's the heck with all the mentions?

1 Like

Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by Nobody: 9:28pm On Oct 12, 2015
faith551:



Can you imagine, so am a Hinduist nau, if she's a Christian then why is she asking the question? Let her go ahead and marry him nau. I wasn't saying the guy is bad or anything am just saying before u go into marriage u must be in terms with your resolution.
One thing with us is that we spiritualize everything, Christianity is a religion, but then there is character, attitude and personality. From the post, the girl doesn't really know if she likes the guy, but all she's saying is that the guy is a Christian, now are you telling me there is no Christian guy out there that his attitude and appearance will be compatible with that of the girls?
Make una no disturb me on this matter again, the Op asked for advice and I gave him a piece of my mind, and he's OK with it, so what's the heck with all the mentions?

I do not think i spoke out of turn as i just made reference to what you said. FYI christianity isnt a religion it is a life and this life is different from that found out there in the world because it is a life based on a different world which isnt here.
We are in this world but we are not of this world. The standards for decision making in this world are different from the christian world but sadly even many christians now use the worlds standards as theirs which is the error of this lady.
I am sorry if what i said rubbed you the wrong way but like i said it was just a reference to what you already said.

1 Like

Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by ogaprime(m): 9:34pm On Oct 12, 2015
LookmanTalk:
30 but looks younger than her age

Hmmm....she should sit tight and handle the pressure now or pressure will handle her roughly...


She should decide if she can't do without de attraction. if she can't,she should move on.

Has she informed the guy her fear of non-attraction?? because if he is aware, they can both work on it. his reaction and response might give her hint on what to do...

If she can do without attraction, she should continue....

1 Like

Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by Missonas(f): 9:37pm On Oct 12, 2015
LookmanTalk:
Flip the scenario, would you like that?
Would I like that? Thats the normal thg for u guys.Boo babymama sidechic what have u lol even the wife is jst dere
Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by faith551(m): 9:40pm On Oct 12, 2015
naijadeyhia:


I do not think i spoke out of turn as i just made reference to what you said. FYI christianity isnt a religion it is a life and this life is different from that found out there in the world because it is a life based on a different world which isnt here.
We are in this world but we are not of this world. The standards for decision making in this world are different from the christian world but sadly even many christians now use the worlds standards as theirs which is the error of this lady.
I am sorry if what i said rubbed you the wrong way but like i said it was just a reference to what you already said.


Hahahahahaha, no be small thing ooo, brother let me tell you a story
There was this brother in my church, a very religious brother who is in his late 30's and wasn't married yet, then there was this sister that was an usher, very holy and quiet after much pressure, brother decided to marry and behold he choose anty usher, the brother in question is not that financially buoyant, he is just a self employed man striving to keep life going, after much preparation and everything ppl where happy brother decided to marry and we're waiting for date, the brother decided the wedding will be on December, but behold late November sister said she doesn't want to marry again, the church committee came and asked what the problem was and she said it's nothing that she just doesn't want to marry him, and brother was heart broken and dejected.
After a while I was discussing with him and he made some comments, that at a point he was wondering if he'll even like to marry the lady, that she's too primitive and nags a lot,
You should be wise as serpents the Bible says, what's wrong with a lady saying she's not really physically attracted to a guy, as a matter of fact the only thing good she sees in him is the fact he is a Christian.
Spirituality has where it has its applications, and then there are circumstances where u have to use your wisdom and reasoning.

1 Like

Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by Nobody: 9:46pm On Oct 12, 2015
faith551:



Hahahahahaha, no be small thing ooo, brother let me tell you a story
There was this brother in my church, a very religious brother who is in his late 30's and wasn't married yet, then there was this sister that was an usher, very holy and quiet after much pressure, brother decided to marry and behold he choose anty usher, the brother in question is not that financially buoyant, he is just a self employed man striving to keep life going, after much preparation and everything ppl where happy brother decided to marry and we're waiting for date, the brother decided the wedding will be on December, but behold late November sister said she doesn't want to marry again, the church committee came and asked what the problem was and she said it's nothing that she just doesn't want to marry him, and brother was heart broken and dejected.
After a while I was discussing with him and he made some comments, that at a point he was wondering if he'll even like to marry the lady, that she's too primitive and nags a lot,
You should be wise as serpents the Bible says, what's wrong with a lady saying she's not really physically attracted to a guy, as a matter of fact the only thing good she sees in him is the fact he is a Christian.
Spirituality has where it has its applications, and then there are circumstances where u have to use your wisdom and reasoning.

And with this reference you drew a conclussion? There are a lot of "brothers" presumed to be "spiritual" in the church while they are yet carnal. Do not be deceived, obeying God is your personal sacrifice and not based on someone elses picture of what spirituality looks like.
Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by LookmanTalk: 9:47pm On Oct 12, 2015
Bless you for this contribution, you have said it all... God bless you once again for drawing out the major point!
naijadeyhia:



You seem not to realize that the foundation of this lady in question is a Christian one and the rule guiding her in relationship is different from yours which is why she seems to be having this struggle. Its between her body and her spirit. He body seeks attraction but her spirit sees different.
Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by LookmanTalk: 9:49pm On Oct 12, 2015
No hard feelings please, your contributions are very much valuable.. I appreciate
faith551:



Can you imagine, so am a Hinduist nau, if she's a Christian then why is she asking the question? Let her go ahead and marry him nau. I wasn't saying the guy is bad or anything am just saying before u go into marriage u must be in terms with your resolution.
One thing with us is that we spiritualize everything, Christianity is a religion, but then there is character, attitude and personality. From the post, the girl doesn't really know if she likes the guy, but all she's saying is that the guy is a Christian, now are you telling me there is no Christian guy out there that his attitude and appearance will be compatible with that of the girls?
She said she doesn't like his appearance and that she doesn't think she'll be comfortable showing him off even before the marriage, so what do you think will become of them in 5 years time? Aby holy spirit go change the guy appearance or make her proud to show him off? They will be living their life in pretence and one day problem will come in, maybe divorce follows and then regret.
Make una no disturb me on this matter again, the Op asked for advice and I gave him a piece of my mind, and he's OK with it, so what's the heck with all the mentions?
Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by vislabraye(m): 9:49pm On Oct 12, 2015
bronzegoddess:
Quite a number of us ladies are in this situation. That guy comes along, is caring, God fearing, hard-working and all, but we don't get that romantic vibe with the person. I'll say keep him close, not necessarily date him, just keep him close smiley



Y'all are allowed to read whatever meaning u want to this ^^

Keep him close means friend zone him. haha.
Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by faith551(m): 9:50pm On Oct 12, 2015
naijadeyhia:


And with this reference you drew a conclussion? There are a lot of "brothers" presumed to be "spiritual" in the church while they are yet carnal. Do not be deceived, obeying God is your personal sacrifice and not based on someone elses picture of what spirituality looks like.


And I must tell u again, being spiritual doesn't have anything to do with your habit and physical looks, it wnt make someone who doesn't like your breath or the shape of your mouth or your height or the shape of your nose like you.
Good night
Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by LookmanTalk: 9:51pm On Oct 12, 2015
Point of correction, not all guys please. Thank you
Missonas:

Would I like that? Thats the normal thg for u guys.Boo babymama sidechic what have u lol even the wife is jst dere
Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by Nobody: 9:53pm On Oct 12, 2015
LookmanTalk:
Bless you for this contribution, you have said it all... God bless you once again for drawing out the major point!

I felt led in my spirit to say that and i thank God i did because as you said, that is the issue and if it is then the solution is simple... She knows what to do already but is just looking for an excuse to follow her flesh. The man is a Christian, promising, well behaved and all that and indeed these are the bedrock for a great partner. Both could learn a lot from each other and thats the fun in marriage. If she is still wrestling with her flesh then she should give the relationship time. Perhaps 4 or 6 more months of purposeful quality time and she will suddenly realize she cannot do without him.... Now that would be attraction in its purest form

1 Like

Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by faith551(m): 9:53pm On Oct 12, 2015
LookmanTalk:
No hard feelings please, your contributions are very much valuable.. I appreciate

No offence taken at all, I just like ppl who reason in 3 dimension and not make judgement from one direction alone.
He is spiritual and that's a good thing, but you are going to live with him/her all your life, the understanding, love, relationship, physical attraction must be there to keep the bond strong, we are all flesh. So because someone is a Christian then he is perfect?

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Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by LookmanTalk: 9:57pm On Oct 12, 2015
Well, apart from him just being a Christian, she honestly said they have quite similar goals and aspirations including that she does not see the guy giving her any stress that she cannot handle. But it is just this physical attraction sha..

One scenario she gave me was, for them ladies, no matter how rich a guy is or how well he spends or shows love, if you ladies do not like the person or are not attracted to him, nothing he does will ever fully please you although you can appreciate.

Please, this question is from me. Is this true?
faith551:



Hahahahahaha, no be small thing ooo, brother let me tell you a story
There was this brother in my church, a very religious brother who is in his late 30's and wasn't married yet, then there was this sister that was an usher, very holy and quiet after much pressure, brother decided to marry and behold he choose anty usher, the brother in question is not that financially buoyant, he is just a self employed man striving to keep life going, after much preparation and everything ppl where happy brother decided to marry and we're waiting for date, the brother decided the wedding will be on December, but behold late November sister said she doesn't want to marry again, the church committee came and asked what the problem was and she said it's nothing that she just doesn't want to marry him, and brother was heart broken and dejected.
After a while I was discussing with him and he made some comments, that at a point he was wondering if he'll even like to marry the lady, that she's too primitive and nags a lot,
You should be wise as serpents the Bible says, what's wrong with a lady saying she's not really physically attracted to a guy, as a matter of fact the only thing good she sees in him is the fact he is a Christian.
Spirituality has where it has its applications, and then there are circumstances where u have to use your wisdom and reasoning.
Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by Nobody: 10:00pm On Oct 12, 2015
faith551:


No offence taken at all, I just like ppl who reason in 3 dimension and not make judgement from one direction alone.
He is spiritual and that's a good thing, but you are going to live with him/her all your life, the understanding, love, relationship, physical attraction must be there to keep the bond strong, we are all flesh. So because someone is a Christian then he is perfect?

Because someone is Christian means he is a project towards perfection and should strive to avoid anything that would lead him away from the perfection he is striving for. Physical attraction is relative but isnt as important as the inner beauty. Do you even know why they say that "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder?" Its because true beauty and attraction is from within and you see outwardly what you have first perceived inwardly so as they say "one mans meat is another mans poison". Seek for the inner beauty and attraction as that would never be taken away but the outer attraction which has no correlation to the inner is already lost in transit.
Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by faith551(m): 10:00pm On Oct 12, 2015
LookmanTalk:
Well, apart from him just being a Christian, she honestly said they have quite similar goals and aspirations including that she does not see the guy giving her any stress that she cannot handle. But it is just this physical attraction sha..

One scenario she gave me was, for them ladies, no matter how rich a guy is or how well he spends or shows love, if you ladies do not like the person or are not attracted to him, nothing he does will ever fully please you although you can appreciate.

Please, this question is from me. Is this true?

Why not, it's 100% true, how do you feel about someone you just don't like, you might not hate the person but maybe there's something you don't like about the person, you'll just keep on avoiding the person.
Things like snoring have caused break ups in marriage.
Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by faith551(m): 10:02pm On Oct 12, 2015
naijadeyhia:


Because someone is Christian means he is a project towards perfection and should strive to avoid anything that would lead him away from the perfection he is striving for. Physical attraction is relative but isnt as important as the inner beauty. Do you even know why they say that "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder?" Its because true beauty and attraction is from within and you see outwardly what you have first perceived inwardly so as they say "one mans meat is another mans poison". Seek for the inner beauty and attraction as that would never be taken away but the outer attraction which has no correlation to the inner is already lost in transit.

Thank you very much, can I have my peace now?
Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by Nobody: 10:05pm On Oct 12, 2015
faith551:


Thank you very much, can I have my peace now?

Yes you may grin
Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by LookmanTalk: 10:06pm On Oct 12, 2015
Haba! Snoring causing breakup. I am not sure about this one. Lol

She likes him, but not the way he wants (relationship/marriage) and she does not want to force it.
faith551:


Why not, it's 100% true, how do you feel about someone you just don't like, you might not hate the person but maybe there's something you don't like about the person, you'll just keep on avoiding the person.
Things like snoring have caused break ups in marriage.
Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by LookmanTalk: 10:07pm On Oct 12, 2015
lol
faith551:


Thank you very much, can I have my peace now?
Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by Nobody: 10:16pm On Oct 12, 2015
LookmanTalk:
Haba! Snoring causing breakup. I am not sure about this one. Lol

She likes him, but not the way he wants (relationship/marriage) and she does not want to force it.


I would like to say that perhaps 60% of people who got married today to men or women did not initially find them attractive so she isnt alone. From her description of this guy he looks like a diamond in the rough and she seems afraid of going through the process of bringing out the diamond from the rock. There are many ladies seeking men like this and she is reluctant with him? She needs counseling. She says she likes him then in the same breath says she isnt attracted and again says she likes him and lists out glowing attributes yet he isnt marriage material for her. The guy is real and no pretender and i think the person who needs to be real here is her.

#goodmenrock
Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by daveP(m): 10:19pm On Oct 12, 2015
vizkiz:
so?
guy no dey keep us waiting now. Episode 2 naim we dey expect.... grin
Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by faith551(m): 10:20pm On Oct 12, 2015
LookmanTalk:
Haba! Snoring causing breakup. I am not sure about this one. Lol

She likes him, but not the way he wants (relationship/marriage) and she does not want to force it.

She should give herself time
Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by vizkiz: 10:36pm On Oct 12, 2015
daveP:
guy no dey keep us waiting now. Episode 2 naim we dey expect.... grin

lol, watch out bro grin
Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by LookmanTalk: 10:40pm On Oct 12, 2015
ok, thanks.
faith551:


She should give herself time
Re: A Female Friend Told Me This Today by daveP(m): 10:42pm On Oct 12, 2015
vizkiz:


lol, watch out bro grin
(in vladimir Putin's accent) dont disappoint sha!

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