buzugee:

i think you missed the part of the post where he said 'she insults me everyday and treats me like crap'

Depends on what the guy means by insulting. Maybe advising or cajoling him to get a job and stop drinking is  being abusive in his view.
Who really knows what is going on between them.

tensor777:

Depends on what the guy means by insulting. Maybe advising or cajoling him to get a job and stop drinking is  being abusive in his view.
Who really knows what is going on between them.

really ? a devout and strong born again christian being cajoled to give up drinking come on now, i think in nigeria we have a universal perception of what is 'abuse and insults'. i dont think a grown azz man will fib on such a huge life changing issue. i am sure he means 'abuse'.

tensor777:

Off-topic as there is no evidence that the wife is wayward or even bad. You haven't heard from her anyway.

Dude, off-topic or in-topic, call a spade what it is, i have 95% assurance the lady is as described by her hubby.

BTW, i know you support some crap like you were all out for Dora Akunyili when she started criticizing the word "Naija" .  I remember you.

roymary:

Dude, off-topic or in-topic, call a spade what it is, i have 95% assurance the lady is as described by her hubby.

I remember you.

And so what if you remember?. It really is of no importance.
The point is I wouldn't want to speculate on her character when I have not heard from her. The little that has come out from him does not really give a good impression of the man himself.

buzugee:

really ? a devout and strong born again christian being cajoled to give up drinking come on now, i think in nigeria we have a universal perception of what is 'abuse and insults'. i dont think a grown azz man will fib on such a huge life changing issue. i am sure he means 'abuse'.

He said he is a "devout" Christian. What exactly does that mean?
Mere Church attendance or something much deeper.

More to the point what led to the troubles with the joint account?
Mere spite or reckless spending habits.

What about the ILR application?
Stymied by bureaucracy or personal history.

You should be able to see that here is no smoke without fire.

tensor777:

And so what if you remember?. It really is of no importance.
The point is I wouldn't want to speculate on her character when I have not heard from her. The little that has come out from him does not really give a good impression of the man himself.

The lil that i know about you justifies your judgement too. Are you some kinda attorney? Yes, the man might have a foible or two; but it does not take rocket science to understand what woman could be like when they simply want to be mean.

Most men were frisky until these women walks into their lives and took over and make you feel so obliterated.  The poor guy just need his peace and space; don;t think that is too much to ask for.

For some of us, we could catch the grenade for a lovely woman but too bad that spec is rare.

roymary:

The lil that i know about you justifies your judgement too. Are you some kinda attorney? Yes, the man might have a foible or two; but it does not take rocket science to understand what woman could be like when they simply want to be mean.

You need to learn how to present your case objectively and devoid of sentiment. So yes in that wise YOU really need a lawyer's debating skills.
Although to be fair, I have no time whatsoever for racist or sexist debates. So in that regard its best we end this discussion right here.

tensor777:

You need to learn how to present your case objectively and devoid of sentiment. So yes in that wise YOU really need a lawyer's debating skills.
Although to be fair, I have no time whatsoever for racist or sexist debates. So in that regard its best we end this discussion right here.

^^^^

Debate?? Present my case objectively?? What er you talking about? You are talking to a man with loads of experiences. If a lady needs me to enumerate their flaws, i would; you are suppose to be a dude like me unless you live in Pluto.

Be on your way already! And don't tell me about you not having time for this and that. Its your prerogative. This is a forum Mr.

Drop your views and move.

Funny.

Tensor77,

It is easy to want to portray oneself as modern, westernised etc here on NL. Also easy to preach what one cannot practice.
What is the balance of power when people forget their culture and copy western ways verbatim?
I know of a few naija ladies married to Oyinbo and one husband has even discouraged/virtually stopped her visiting Naija: dangerous place he claimed. That white guy would be your bossom friend. Oh not to mention the physical abuse some of them have suffered in the hands of white husbands. I don't know of any black friends abusing their wives like that.
Oh well Tensor, it's alright as long as the men are not naija.  Self-loathing of the highest order.
I wonder how close you really are to married white people to know the balance of power thing. Oh everybody is an armchair expert these days thanks to internet.

If you are really so westernised, you will know that lots of European women earn more than their men.
I dated a white  lawyer, an accountant, civil servant, all in their early 20s when I was a complete beginner in Europe. They didn't shoot me with a gun for being a nobody.
Tensor what do you want the man to do? Force himself on her when the woman is tired? Who is spiting who right now, the man or the woman? The man would become a real loser if he hangs around too long a become a "samatutu": Rag.

marabout:

Tensor77,

It is easy to want to portray oneself as modern, westernised etc here on NL. Also easy to preach what one cannot practice.
What is the balance of power when people forget their culture and copy western ways verbatim?

The key word is wisdom. Wisdom is the principal thing needed to manage the power play in the home. Just blustering and bullying won't quite cut it especially when the woman is the main breadwinner.
After all in the days of our parents and grandparents this was not the case so it really is noy useful to use that era as a yardstick.

marabout:

What is the balance of power when people forget their culture and copy western ways verbatim?

why not stay in Nigeria if you hate western culture so much. 

most men on here sleep around like dogs and talk about how easy it is to get girls here. why didn't they stick to their "culture" and avoid these girls?
it is only when the "western culture" doesn't benefit you that you start complaining.
to me, that's hypocritical behavior. to embrace the part of western culture that benefit you. and then bash the part that benefits women.

to me, it's mostly women that are keeping Nigerian culture going in the west. not men. but that's my opinion.

Buzugee,

We all have to face the modern reality of Tensor77's "western balance of power" that a lot of naija marriages will hit the rocks.

As time goes on, we would be lucky if 50% of diaspora marriages survived the first 10 years, so 70% of imoported ladies' marraiges surviving isn't that bad. We should brace ourselves. Don't fool yourself that doing washing up or washing your wife's underpants is a panacea.
Some blame men who train their wives to become RN while driving a cab.
In reality, any decent man would like his wife to be able to look after the kids should the worst happen to him.
A lot of those cabbies training their wives are seen as "not improving themselves". What some NLs forget is that many came abroad from poor homes and had to sustain many relatives at home essentially sacrifing their own comfort for others. In our modern self-centred world, that's foolishness. Ajebutters only see life from a narrow perspective.

I have seen how very talented, even educated naija end up cleaning tube stations. That some of us have been lucky to have western education, even elite in some cases, doesn't mean we should rubbish others.
I was talking to a physician sometime ago. He was rather angry that some naija come here and start hussling anyhow. I reminded him that not everyone has a medical degree in the pocket from home , on HSMP, had parents who where both professionals and all those people too have to survive as long as they eschew crime. Those hustlers here are possibly one of the reasons why civil war has not erupted back home as they remit money to families.

Dead fish go with the flow, but you are not dead yet. I'd send that lady out sooner or later.

Jenifa,

Indians don't stay all in India. They are more successful than us in marriage and all. They take the best of western culture like education etc and mix it with family values etc and voila, they have a winning formula.

I am in their midst daily so I know what I am talking about.  Not copying everything another person does is not hatred. It is maintaining one's identity while taking the best from others.

Jenifa,

if the men you know here sleep around like dogs, then you associate with questionable people. Change your environment. I don't move with such men. My better half knows what I can do and what I cannot do.
I don't have any reasons to hide things from her. Am no angel but such don't freak me,

They say the men sleep around but we rarely meet them as virgins.

roymary:

They say the men sleep around but we rarely meet them as virgins.

but I don't think they sleep around as much. They probably lost their virginity to a boyfriend rather than one night stand. or sex buddy

marabout:

Jenifa,

if the men you know here sleep around like dogs, then you associate with questionable people. Change your environment.  I don't move with such men. My better half knows what I can do and what I cannot do.
I don't have any reasons to hide things from her. Am no angel but such don't freak me,

hahahaha trust me, if I disassociate myself from african guys that don't sleep around, i will have NO african male friends. maximum one or two. but due to the cultural backgrounds, it's hard not to associate with them.  to me, old habits do not die. I can already predict how their marriages will be filled with cheating and these guys are so sexist and caught up in their idea of how women should behave.

Jenifa_:

but I don't think they sleep around as much. They probably lost their virginity to a boyfriend rather than one night stand. or sex buddy

Oh no , don't drink water, fish have se'x in it! Obviously, women are trying to live without men. I don't have a problem with that, just don't suck up to me like you er madly in love; achieve your aims and then bring out the beast in you.

marabout:

Jenifa,

Indians don't stay all in India. They are more successful than us in marriage and all. They take the best of western culture like education etc and mix it with family values etc and voila, they have a winning formula.

I am in their midst daily so I know what I am talking about.  Not copying everything another person does is not hatred. It is maintaining one's identity while taking the best from others.

That's because most indian men do not feel like they have other options or choices (maybe due to family pressure as someone already said) how many indian men do you know that are dating whites? or asian? or latino? how many even date that much?
I have indian friends and some don't even believe in dating. it's either marriage or nothing. they are very traditional. Nigerian men on the other hand will criticize "western culture" but fully engage in it.

besides Indians are probably naturally family oriented. they are not the ones you will see at bars or clubs. instead they are very studious and that translates to being hardworking after they get married.

not to forget the fact that the women are also pressured to be submissive. especially since the men are probably the breadwinner rather than the women (as it is the case in some nigerian marriages).
a lot of women have nothing to complain about if the guy is providing most of her needs. but if she's the one taking care of herself and children, she has a right to complain if she sees fit. just as the guy has a right to complain if he finds anything wrong.

tensor777:

He said he is a "devout" Christian. What exactly does that mean?
Mere Church attendance or something much deeper.

More to the point what led to the troubles with the joint account?
Mere spite or reckless spending habits.

What about the ILR application?
Stymied by bureaucracy or personal history.

You should be able to see that here is no smoke without fire.

a christian means he is aligned correctly with the teachings of big brother almightyyyyyyy the beneficial, the omnipotent, omniscience and omnipresence. yahweh that is

marabout:

Buzugee,

We all have to face the modern reality of Tensor77's "western balance of power" that a lot of naija marriages will hit the rocks.

As time goes on, we would be lucky if 50% of diaspora marriages survived the first 10 years, so 70% of imoported ladies' marraiges surviving isn't that bad. We should brace ourselves. Don't fool yourself that doing washing up or washing your wife's underpants is a panacea.
Some blame men who train their wives to become RN while driving a cab.
In reality, any decent man would like his wife to be able to look after the kids should the worst happen to him.
A lot of those cabbies training their wives are seen as "not improving themselves". What some NLs forget is that many came abroad from poor homes and had to sustain many relatives at home essentially sacrifing their own comfort for others. In our modern self-centred world, that's foolishness. Ajebutters only see life from a narrow perspective.

I have seen how very talented, even educated naija end up cleaning tube stations. That some of us have been lucky to have western education, even elite in some cases, doesn't mean we should rubbish others.
I was talking to a physician sometime ago. He was rather angry that some naija come here and start hussling anyhow. I reminded him that not everyone has a medical degree in the pocket from home , on HSMP, had parents who where both professionals and all those people too have to survive as long as they eschew crime. Those hustlers here are possibly one of the reasons why civil war has not erupted back home as they remit money to families.

the way i see it, everyone has their own cross to bear. everyone has their own path to follow. 'never look down on any man unless you are trying to pick him up'. as per our naija women ? they are all hustlers. you gotta have a hustling mindset to have a successful marriage to a nigerian woman. you gotta be on top of your game. marriage to a nigerian woman is a game. you gotta know how to play that game or else you will get scalped, chewed and spat out.

Believe me if you can pray, you will recover what rightly belongs to you. U can even ask God to change the tide-i f u have faith even as small as mustard seed anything is possible (recoverable). Don't fold ur hands and don't give-up. Jesus is more than ready to help u.

I think that not everyone is meant to stay in one marriage lifelong. This applies to both men and women. Some people naturally get bored easily vows or no vows.
Often when relationships/marriages fail,  both parties are hardly innocent even if only one goes out and cheat outright. The marriage must be already lacking something even if they didn't realise it.

In diaspora, the influence of family back home is much less. At least back home, there is always someone in the family you respect: dad, mum, uncle, aunty, godmother/father,  or even a friend or trusted family pastor, who can always talk sense into you or your partner. That social support network is often lacking or minimal in diaspora. Most often ladies see this as a kind of liberation. But liberty like most things always come at a price.

I have always suspected psychological/psychiatric conditions in many black people doing various crazy stuff. But it is so stigmatised in our culture that people don't seek help.
I really dread the time when most diaspora naija kids will be growing up in conditions familiar to many Caribbean kids today: single mum households, large turnover of boyfriends. Terrible prospect.

The level of aggression, quest for many women (sex addiction?) etc could mean that many actually need help.

marabout:

I think that not everyone is meant to stay in one marriage lifelong. This applies to both men and women. Some people naturally get bored easily vows or no vows.
Often when relationships/marriages fail,  both parties are hardly innocent even if only one goes out and cheat outright. The marriage must be already lacking something even if they didn't realise it.

In diaspora, the influence of family back home is much less. At least back home, there is always someone in the family you respect: dad, mum, uncle, aunty, godmother/father,  or even a friend or trusted family pastor, who can always talk sense into you or your partner. That social support network is often lacking or minimal in diaspora. Most often ladies see this as a kind of liberation. But liberty like most things always come at a price.

I have always suspected psychological/psychiatric conditions in many black people doing various crazy stuff. But it is so stigmatised in our culture that people don't seek help.
I really dread the time when most diaspora naija kids will be growing up in conditions familiar to many Caribbean kids today: single mum households, large turnover of boyfriends. Terrible prospect.

The level of aggression, quest for many women (sex addiction?) etc could mean that many actually need help.

I concur.

Some of this people have this STAY ABROAD AT ALL COST MENTALITY and they and up destroying their marriages and children's future at in the name of LIBERTY.

1. When it comes to marriage issues, don't be quick to conclude by listening to one party.

2. A woman can be a reflection of what you do to her and vice versa.

3. True love does count but don't push it cause we are human,only the Most High God has unconditional perfect love and he remains faithful even when we are least faithful to Him. This kind of love should never be expected from a man or woman.

I bet you this guy looked down on Nigerian Ameican girls and maybe was lacking in alot of ways so that why he imported a bride. Even could have been a womanizer before he met his wife. Things has gone sour. Tell us the full story.

No pity here!!!

Jenifa, right. also let me add how many indian nurses do you see there? their men would prefer them to take care of themselves and the family. but an average nigeria man long throat/greed for money is something else. i wan build mansion for village, i wan do this and that, in the process they misplace their priority. wifey must work to bring in more kudi or else no peace of mind as he spends his time thinking of how to make money.
when a woman isworking you expecting her not to ask you why is a = b? siddon there

evil laughter hahahahahahahaha

buzugee:

a christian means he is aligned correctly with the teachings of big brother almightyyyyyyy the beneficial, the omnipotent, omniscience and omnipresence. yahweh that is

What have you just said? Don't you know and is it not written that by their fruits you shall know them?  If he is indeed a Christian then he should know that God hates divorce and putting away. Period. He should also know that men are enjoined to love and honour their wives. Period.

Jenifa_:

That's because most indian men do not feel like they have other options or choices (maybe due to family pressure as someone already said) how many indian men do you know that are dating whites? or asian? or latino? how many even date that much?
I have indian friends and some don't even believe in dating. it's either marriage or nothing. they are very traditional. Nigerian men on the other hand will criticize "western culture" but fully engage in it.
[b]besides Indians are probably naturally family oriented. they are not the ones you will see at bars or clubs. instead they are very studious and that translates to being hardworking after they get married.[/b]not to forget the fact that the women are also pressured to be submissive. especially since the men are probably the breadwinner rather than the women (as it is the case in some nigerian marriages).
a lot of women have nothing to complain about if the guy is providing most of her needs. but if she's the one taking care of herself and children, she has a right to complain if she sees fit. just as the guy has a right to complain if he finds anything wrong.

Now you are clearly a very clever astute observer of the Indian culture. Everything you say is true They are very very disciplined, have an incredibly strong work and business ethic and to cap it all they are very family oriented.
Anyway as I said all this strife in Nigerian homes in the West has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with so called culture but rather overweening control freakery in the matrimonial home.
Was it part of our ancestral culture that wives should be the main breadwinners ?

marabout:

I think that not everyone is meant to stay in one marriage lifelong. This applies to both men and women. Some people naturally get bored easily vows or no vows.
Often when relationships/marriages fail,  both parties are hardly innocent even if only one goes out and cheat outright. The marriage must be already lacking something even if they didn't realise it.

In diaspora, the influence of family back home is much less. At least back home, there is always someone in the family you respect: dad, mum, uncle, aunty, godmother/father,  or even a friend or trusted family pastor, who can always talk sense into you or your partner. That social support network is often lacking or minimal in diaspora. Most often ladies see this as a kind of liberation. But liberty like most things always come at a price.

I have always suspected psychological/psychiatric conditions in many black people doing various crazy stuff. But it is so stigmatised in our culture that people don't seek help.
I really dread the time when most diaspora naija kids will be growing up in conditions familiar to many Caribbean kids today: single mum households, large turnover of boyfriends. Terrible prospect.

The level of aggression, quest for many women (sex addiction?) etc could mean that many actually need help.

extremely strong points

merge:

I bet you this guy looked down on Nigerian Ameican girls and maybe was lacking in alot of ways so that why he imported a bride. Even could have been a womanizer before he met his wife. Things has gone sour. Tell us the full story.

No pity here!!!

and i can bet my last dollar that ya boyfren ran off to nigeria to bring home wife let it go gurl. life goes on. brush it off ya shoulders

armyofone:

Jenifa, right. also let me add how many indian nurses do you see there? their men would prefer them to take care of themselves and the family. but an average nigeria man long throat/greed for money is something else. i wan build mansion for village, i wan do this and that, in the process they misplace their priority. wifey must work to bring in more kudi or else no peace of mind as he spends his time thinking of how to make money.
when a woman isworking you expecting her not to ask you why is a = b? siddon there

evil laughter hahahahahahahaha

nigerian men are a reflection of nigerian women. nigerian women too have long throat/greed for money. why else will she be treating herself as a commodity by auctioning herself to the highest bidder ? its like the nigerian woman carrys around a slave auction block and when she needs a man she climbs on the auction block and starts taking bids from different men. then she sells herself off to the highest bidder. what happened to marrying for love, personality and looks ?