Ujujoan:

My dear, marriage is an institution and like every institution, there must be a leader. The man is the God-ordained leader. Now this doesn't mean you don't deserve respect but by virtue of him being a man (I know its sucks . . . ), he's in charge!

I assumed that before you went into a lifetime commitment with him, he would have 'earned' your respect. You guys are not just dating, you are married!

Assuming he was 1yr older than you are, won't you respect him? If not for anything, for the fact that he's your elder. That at least is tradition!

Thanks for giving me this reasoning because it gives me something to think about and it will help me figure out the root cause of our problems in a much better way.

unsuregirl:

Oh sister, You have to have the last word, don't you? Well, go ahead. If your marriage is working, I guess you owe it to your husband who must be totally submissive. And thats what you seem to be so proud of and flaunting it all around. But you are practically of no use to people who need advice.

You are still here? you better go make your marriage work and whilst you are at it, don't forget to see a doctor to give you some pain killer and ointment for your cheek

Thanks for your advice Jenifa, which is limited to advice and not force. And ya, I am not a nigerian.

You are not Nigerian? mscheewwwww and I have been wasting my precious time, I was wondering why a nigerian woman will be this dumb

Anyways I am out, enjoy your marriage

^ that might also be part of the reason. I think you need to learn to be fiercer.  . . in a "submissive" way. I don't know how to describe it. but I knew you most likely were not nigerian from the start.

your husband doesn't respect you much I don't think. You need to be stricter with him in a sensible way.

unsuregirl:

That really sucks,  and since you mentioned it, I think we went into a commitment out of love. I never felt he respected me either. I think that is our problem. Love alone is not enough for a marriage and maybe the marriage itself is a mistake in our case. If you respect somebody, none of this would happen.

Respect is reciprocal you know . . .  in this case, to get his respect, you have to respect him first. I have learnt, from the wonderful people in this forum and from my personal experience, that the best way to get a man's respect is to give him his first!

I used to be like you you know, but I now know that I could never enter into a marriage with that kind of mentality. I once argued vigorously on this forum that I could never greet my husband 'Good morning' . . . but now, I know I'll even put 'sir' sef if that's what he wants!

Once marriage is in the picture, the whole things changes. Now that he's your husband, he expects you to defer to him, at least to a some extent . . . that's probably why your fights started after you got married.

Now I'm not saying it's all your fault, he has a lot to learn himself. He was 100% wrong to twist your arm, no matter what! Bullying a woman is NOT going to make her respect you.

Your marriage is NOT a mistake my dear, your mistake is in your views about it. You have high expectations and so does he. Don't expect that for the fact that he said 'I do' to you, he's above hurting you. He's human afterall, and is bound to make mistakes. You two have to sit down together and talk this thing through.

I'd advice you guys to visit a marriage counselor if you can but most especially, I'll advice you to listen to some of the advice you are getting here on this thread. These people (men and women) are talking from years of experience and there's nothing you are facing now that they've not faced at one point or the other.

If you give up now, then be prepared to regret it for the rest of your life. Please, I beg you, don't move out . . .  take a chance and try and work things out with your husband!

jennykadry:

You are still here? you better go make your marriage work and whilst you are at it, don't forget to see a doctor to give you some pain killer and ointment for your cheek

ROTFLMAO

Easy abeg, na small picking dey worry am!

but now, I know I'll even put 'sir' sef if that's what he wants!

what? hehn? what's the age difference?  



---
and yea I agree with ujujoan. no matter how harsh and mean jennykadry sounds, there are some morsels of advice that could be useful for your marriage. she has the experience.

unsuregirl:

Thanks for your advice Jenifa, which is limited to advice and not force. And ya, I am not a nigerian.

     

No wonder  . . . _{no offense}

Jenifa_:

what? hehn? what's the age difference?  

---
and yea I agree with ujujoan. no matter how harsh and mean jennykadry sounds, there are some morsels of advice that could be useful for your marriage. she has the experienced.

Lol . . . me? I never marry oh . . . but I doubt if that would even matter!

^ haha i figured that out from the start.
first I don't imagine a nigerian wife kicking and screaming the whole house just because she wants to have se[size=1pt].[/size]x. I know it may happen but I just can't imagine it.
and then the whole he twist my arm, I kicked him, he slap she slap just sounded too immature to me. lol like two little kids who don't get each other at all. no offense
and then the "should I leave my marriage right away?" line. just convinced me she must not be nigerian. she's been married for just 2 mths for christ sake.

Ujujoan:

Lol . . . me? I never marry oh . . . but I doubt if that would even matter!

ha ok. because that one na serious matter o. "sir" for husband. hmm

Jenifa_:

^ haha i figured that out from the start.
first I don't imagine a nigerian wife kicking and screaming the whole house just because she wants to have se[size=1pt].[/size]x. I know it may happen but I just can't imagine it.
and then the whole he twist my arm, I kicked him, he slap she slap just sounded too immature to me. lol like two little kids who don't get each other at all. no offense
and then the "should I leave my marriage right away?" line. just convinced me she must not be nigerian. she's been married for just 2 mths for christ sake.

ROTFLMAO!

I should have known sha if I really stopped to think about it. You are completely right my sister, naija woman no go behave like that!

@ unsuregirl

No offense, but this here is why your marriages don't last!

Jenifa_:

^ haha i figured that out from the start.
first I don't imagine a nigerian wife kicking and screaming the whole house just because she wants to have se[size=1pt].[/size]x. I know it may happen but I just can't imagine it.
and then the whole he twist my arm, I kicked him, he slap she slap just sounded too immature to me. lol like two little kids who don't get each other at all. no offense
and then the "should I leave my marriage right away?" line. just convinced me she must not be nigerian. she's been married for just 2 mths for christ sake.

See why our nigerian men should even appreciate us more? the things we do to make them happy and keep a peaceful home.

How many of us kick our hubby's on the balls for sex? who on earth even joined those two 12 yr olds in holy devastating matrimony?

There are times a man will tell you he is tired and doesn't feel like it, you don't have to kick, push ,shake or hit him to make him want you, men get turned on alot faster than women.  

Some insights even though she doesn't want it , there are times hubby will come back from work tired like I could see tiredness written allover his face, the minute I hear "Baby I am tired" no qualms for me, omo mushin no dey carry last . I just tell him. . . . .ok no worries, I can see you are really tired ,let me just hold you to sleep or Start whispering sweet nothings into his ears , telling him what I want and how I WANT IT  I give him 2 minutes to get up and perform magic na today

But shaking him, haba? even if the guys rod got so hard before, the thing will go on 4 weeks suspension by force not with that silly display of want she displayed in bed.

All these non nigerians esp oyinbos sef, once them taste our naija men thing na so body go dey shark them like say sex na food.

Jenifa_:

^ haha i figured that out from the start.
first I don't imagine a nigerian wife kicking and screaming the whole house just because she wants to have se[size=1pt].[/size]x. I know it may happen but I just can't imagine it.
and then the whole he twist my arm, I kicked him, he slap she slap just sounded too immature to me. lol like two little kids who don't get each other at all. no offense
and then the "should I leave my marriage right away?" line. just convinced me she must not be nigerian. she's been married for just 2 mths for christ sake.

Nobody actually kicked or screamed for sex. I doubt if anyone on the face of earth would do that. Ofcourse, my husband hurt me physically to avoid having sex. And you would understand why somebody would be frustrated for sex if you (god forbid) were not sexually happy in your marriage.
And what does it have to do with 2 months or 2 years or 20 years. Such a thing should never happen.

ujujoan

yea. it's going to take a whole lot of work and effort but it is possible.  I don't support co-habitation but I think they probably should have lived together before marriage. if problems are cropping up less than 2mths into marriage, something tells me they didn't understand each other well before marriage.
marriage is a lot about compatibility. you are going to be living together for life!!!

unsuregirl:

Nobody actually kicked or screamed for sex. I doubt if anyone on the face of earth would do that. Ofcourse, my husband hurt me physically to avoid having sex. And you would understand why somebody would be frustrated for sex if you (god forbid) were not sexually happy in your marriage.
And what does it have to do with 2 months or 2 years or 20 years. Such a thing should never happen.

2 mths is too early. you guys are still supposed to be in honeymoon phase. if you are slapping each other now, how do you expect things to be in 20yrs?
what do you mean by "not sexually happy in your marriage" at just 2mths!? so this wasn't a one night thing? does it happen frequently? when did it start?

I think you should try a marriage counselor because the problem seems to be a lot more complex than I thought.

Ohh, you are back again, flaunting around again!!! Wy not, carry on,

Jenifa_:

ujujoan

yea. it's going to take a whole lot of work and effort but it is possible. I don't support co-habitation but I think they probably should have lived together before marriage. if problems are cropping up less than 2mths into marriage, something tells me they didn't understand each other well before marriage.
marriage is a lot about compatibility. you are going to be living together for life!!!


2 mths is too early. you guys are still supposed to be in honeymoon phase. if you are slapping each other now, how do you expect things to be in 20yrs?
what do you mean by "not sexually happy in your marriage" at just 2mths!? so this wasn't a one night thing? does it happen frequently? when did it start?

I think you should try a marriage counselor because the problem seems to be a lot more complex than I thought.

Ofcourse this was not the first time, I would not be frustrated if it was a one time thing. Though that still does not justify pestering him for sex. But he has never been good at it. We have been trying for 2 months but he just does not know what to do. My outburst was a result of 2 months of suppressed sexual desires which he does nto seem to be considerate of.

@ OP, you dont need this marriage it seems since you are considering leaving. Go out there and experiment for a bit then you will know what's up!

That you are a female means you should be treated as fragile and with maximum respect BUT that does not mean that you should act like a deranged infant once you cant have your way! Ok, he has to sort out his anger issues but nagging a man for 30 mins? U lucky he didnt check into a hotel immediately!

"Trying for 2months and he does not know what to do" my sexy black azz, yet you married him?. You dated for 5 yrs and there is just no way you will tell me you guys did not make love, when you guys talk about this one will think you are been sex starved. I once had a friend in Europe who'd tell me she wanted more from her bf even when they do it up to 4 times a day.When she talks about it one will think her bf hasn't given it to her for months.

Make I hear word, and by the way I am enjoying myself on this thread, if you don't like it, feel free to log out.

I would have respected him more if he had shown some sensibility and checked into a hotel.

unsuregirl:

Ofcourse this was not the first time,  I would not be frustrated if it was a one time thing. Though that still does not justify pestering him for sex. But he has never been good at it. We have been trying for 2 months but he just does not know what to do. My outburst was a result of 2 months of suppressed sexual desires which he does nto seem to be considerate of.

ok. this here just added a new dimension to your story.
how long were you dating for? Did you wait till marriage to have intimacy? I don't think foreign women are that religious though/or against premarital sex. So did you know of this sexual incompatibility before marriage?

if it's always been a problem then he might be affected too. He's a guy after all so I don't think he's doing int on purpose.  maybe he has sexual problems and is too embarrassed to talk about it? Or is he cheating?

I am not a european , I am a hindu. And its very common for hindus to practise chastity before marriage. We had done everything before marriage but not sexual intercourse. I reply to your post just so that you stop thrusting your opinions around on an open forum

Jenifa_:

ok. this here just added a new dimension to your story.
how long were you dating for? Did you wait till marriage to have intimacy? I don't think foreign women are that religious though/or against premarital sex. So did you know of this sexual incompatibility before marriage?

if it's always been a problem then he might be affected too. He's a guy after all so I don't think he's doing int on purpose. maybe he has sexual problems and is too embarrassed to talk about it? Or is he cheating?

I doubt if he is cheating since I always know where he is. He was not that kind of guy. And I dunno if he has sexual problems or if he is gay. He just does not seem to get it right and that is okay if he is willing to make much of an effort but that does not seem to be the case. He tries and gives up. Does not realize that this is going to be an important aspect of our marriage and he has no choice but to treat it as important as it is. I do give him hand jobs ( i find blow jobs politically incorrect , so i can't) and i always try to please him but he just can't do it,

Ujujoan:


I used to be like you you know, but I now know that I could never enter into a marriage with that kind of mentality. I once argued vigorously on this forum that I could never greet my husband 'Good morning' . . . but now, I know I'll even put 'sir' sef if that's what he wants!

WOW!! I never knew i could live long enough to see this day!!

Our same 'ol Ujujoan!!!
I kinda like this 'so much matured' views you air lately. It shows you are a very interesting person. Nice one you are learning and making changes too. i used to detest your views on many matters then, but you kinda piped down and more reasonable nowadays.
Kudos Uju.

@OP, look in between the criticism and abuses, you'll see sense. Welcome to Nairaland !!

@ unsuregirl

unsuregirl:

I am not a european ,  I am a hindu. And its very common for hindus to practise chastity before marriage. We had done everything before marriage but not sexual intercourse. I reply to your post just so that you stop thrusting your opinions around on an open forum

I doubt if he is cheating since I always know where he is. He was not that kind of guy. And I dunno if he has sexual problems or if he is gay. He just does not seem to get it right and that is okay if he is willing to make much of an effort but that does not seem to be the case. He tries and gives up. Does not realize that this is going to be an important aspect of our marriage and he has no choice but to treat it as important as it is. I do give him hand jobs ( i find blow jobs politically incorrect , so i can't) and i always try to please him but he just can't do it,

wow. this is new.
are you in the US or UK?

your case is really serious. well he seems to have sexual dysfunction (or whatever the term is). I really don't know what to say in that case.
how ironic though.

Jenifa_:

wow. this is new.
are you in the US or UK?

your case is really serious. well he seems to have sexual dysfunction (or whatever the term is). I really don't know what to say in that case.
how ironic though.

I am not saying that he can't have sex with me. I just meant that he is not really good at it and does not try sufficiently to do what might please me and hence most of the times he cums and is satisfied and I am left craving for more. I think that he could overcome that if he tried to read about it and practised some more. Anyway, the point is that after a long time it can get frustrating for a woman also to have a man beside herself in the bed whom she so wants and he seems to be trying to avoid her just to avoid failure.

unsuregirl:

I am not saying that he can't have intimacy with me. I just meant that he is not really good at it and does not try sufficiently to do what might please me and hence most of the times he cums and is satisfied and I am left craving for more. I think that he could overcome that if he tried to read about it and practised some more. Anyway, the point is that after a long time it can get frustrating for a woman also to have a man beside herself in the bed whom she so wants and he seems to be trying to avoid her just to avoid failure.

have you ever slept with another man beside him? you said you waited until marriage right? so you don't know for sure if he's "good" at it or not in comparison to other men.
and you say he's 25. he seems pretty young.

I think there was a similar topic a while ago. try going on the romance and sexuality board and doing a search. Have you had a discussion with him about this? what does he usually say. I know probably an angry response from him but what does he say?

kinda ironic. lol esp. if you consider the african guy stereotype and why foreign girls go for them. most people around you will assume things not knowing you are not getting any.

oyinda.:

have you ever slept with another man beside him? you said you waited until marriage right? so you don't know for sure if he's "good" at it or not in comparison to other men.
and you say he's 25. he seems pretty young.

I think there was a similar topic a while ago. try going on the romance and sexuality board and doing a search. Have you had a discussion with him about this? what does he usually say. I know probably an angry response from him but what does he say?

I have never slept with another man but I do know that I never get an orgasm, what the heck, our intercourse lasts barely a few strokes as he cums easily, there is never a chance to get to the point where we can experiment or I can get any pleasure, And I am also his first, its very common in our culture to save ourselves for marriage and we both preferred to avoid penetration till marriage, Usually I am not the kind to express my frustration in words, I prefer to sulk over such things but then I guess it was a long time and I needed him to see something, I don't know , and he does not give an angry response, he also just gives up too easily, probably he can't take failure well, he wants to please me but he says he does not know how to get it right and he even told me once that he dreamt once that I left him because he could not please me but I could never do that(never imagined to do that) , I always thought that we just have to try more to get it right but expected his co-operation and not this

here's the sexuality board:
https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/board-28.0.html

romance board:
https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/board-21.0.html


internet is obviously unanimous so if you can't find a topic that helps, you can create one. but i'm sure there was one similar topic or so. lol
You should also try confiding on someone about this. maybe your closest friend (you said you told your friends right?) maybe they have had more experiences and might have advice on how you can help your husband out.

I really feel he also is not feeling too happy about the situation.

unsuregirl:

I would have respected him more if he had shown some sensibility and checked into a hotel.

     

i nu kwam'm ne!