@Homguy: You are still a kid my dear. You attacked me when I said women should be in control of themselves, but jumped up in joy when sagamite said men should control women.

You freaked out when I said women should give their all to a man that has earned it, but jumped up in joy when Sagamite said women should work hard to earn a man's love and attention.

You freaked when I said women shouldn't compete with any exes or a girl in the office, give men ultimatums, or try to manipulate them by flirting with other men, but you jumped up when sagamite said men should make themselves challenge to women, and make them know their are other women somewhere, that would clip their wings. He also said you should stop when women lose their bargaining power.

oh boy! You are one hell of a kid.

@Seagold: Yes! I said you shouldn't be here cos if all you could deduce from my posts is gender equality, then you don't the capacity to understand my posts.

Ok, i'm come down to the level you understand.

When I said women shouldn't cook 5 course meal for men in the beginning of the relationship. I didn't in no way suggest that they should forego cooking entirely, or ask the men to do the cooking.

Why did I say so?

I have brothers and single uncles, whenever i'm around cooking, cleaning and doing their laundry, they go into the core bachelor mood. But the moment I stopped doing all those things and they started doing them themselves, i'd start hearing, "nna menh, I need a wife!" My immediate younger brother is who not even upto 25yrs said to me, "Adanne, i'm getting married next year, I can't continue like this."

Now, let's substitute this equation in a relationship: If a woman is always around a man who has not even committed to her yet, talk more of marriage, and she cleans, cooks, does laundry and have s...ex with him, what do you think would happen? The man is simply eating his cake and having it, he is enjoying the full benefit of marriage anyway, so what's the rush?


So I ask you, where did gender equality come in? Kindly point that out.

@Adaeze: I don't know how to say this but if you still believe a woman's biological clock ticks, you shouldn't be here.

Then unto other things, would you love a man if you are not absolutely sure he loves you? Do you give your all on a platter of gold without a man earning it? If you do, good for you!

God as our creator loved us first. Isaac in the bible worked for 14yrs free of charge just to prove his love for his wife. From Genesis to Revelation, there is no where God commanded women to love their husbands, nah, that commandment was given to men. Infact, there was a punishment God attached to this command if any man defaults, he said his blessing won't be available for that man. He commanded women to reciprocate and submit, why? Because he knew women would be abused the other way round.

There was no where in my posts that I said women should act as if they are more important, no, I said women should love themselves first, then allow the men to love them before they give their all.

So if you don't consider worthy enough to be fought, honestly that's ur biz.

Then let me give movie examples.

In Mr.& Mrs. (which is a Nigerian movie based on real life story). When Mrs Abbah was being too nice and let her husband got away with so much crap, the man didn't appreciate it. He neglected her, abused her both emotionally, se..xually and physically. But when the wife stood up for herself, got herself a job and treated him as if she didn't love him, the table turned around. He realised how irreplacable his wife is.

This is what Mr. Kenneth Abbah told their divorce lawyer when she enquired why he threatened his wife with a divorce when he knows he still loves her. He replied, "I didn't think she would grant me the divorce. I only wanted to clip her wings, and make her beg. She usually does that, her life basically revolved me."

In Desperate housewive: When Susan Delfino heard that her husband goes to a strip club, she rushed home and nagged the husband about it. The husband looked at her as if she was crazy, nothing Susan said maid sense to him, instead he thought Susan was trying to control him. This is what he said," You cannot tell me what I can or cannot do! What kind of marriage is this? But when Susan decided to be a stripper since he loves watching them, he promised never to go to a strip club again.


Dolly Patron, when asked in an interview the secret of her successful marriage, she said,"Whenever I notice my husband get bored with me, I just give him space to miss me. I just pack my bag and go away for the weeked, and by the time I get back the sparks will be there again."

Etc.

Let me give real life situations of what people face in relationship.

I called an ex of mine recently and asked him, "What really happened us, what did I do?"

His response was, "Nothing, you were really cool. But you loved me too much that you lost your self control and started chasing me. And you let me get away with so much crap and those things killed my interest."

Guess what? He was right! He would always tell me, "You love me too much, its choking me. Allow me to come for you, allow me to miss you." For years i classified him as a jerk until recently I realised he wasn't. I chased him away with my actions.

Another guy told me,"No matter how perfect a lady is and how much she loves me, once she starts chasing me my interest dies. I'd want her to love me but I want to do the chasing."

Another one who has been chasing me for years now told me something. I asked him,"why don't you wanna leave me and go find someone else?" His response was," The more you run and I chase you, the more excited I get."

3 of my female married friends said," The reason I married my husband was because he refused to go away, he was really crazy about me but I didn't feel the same. The man I was even busy chasing did not have time for me, he was busy chasing someone else."

My course mate's husband said, "The day I decided to marry Mary was the day she made me come to her house under the rain. I had to park my car and work down the bad road to her house while the rain beats me. I was used to girls chasing me but she was really different."

My lawyer said, "The reason I broke up with my last gf was she had no life outside me, no friends, nothing. Her life basical revolved around me. She wants me to babysit her all the time, gets lonely and mad when I leave her to hang out with my friends and cries over everything. I loved her tho but I felt choked."


My cousin sister said," Before I married my husband, I left him becos I wasn't crazy about him and started dating a guy I was crazy about. I would fly from Abj to Phc every weekend to be with him, cook, clean, do his laundry. I was always the one begging him or else we would keep malice for weeks. I was always crying. All my friends advised I should leave the guy but I was determined to make it work. One day, I brought up the "M" word, he told me I was desperate, that i was putting pressure on him. His statement hurt me so much that we got into a fight and he stopped talking to me, when I cooled off I went to him to apologise but he told me he needed space. I had to fly back to Abj. All this while I was killing myself for this guy, my husband was still chasing me. One day I finally made up my mind and married him and I have never regretted it since then."

Adaeze003: Well I don't think its a good idea to have one person speak for the girls and another speak for the guys!

If a girl who does all that viv said/wrote meets a guy that does what saga said/wrote we all know that the relationship won't work. Why? Well on one side of the ring we have a lady who thinks she's more important and on the other a guy who thinks he is.

I know I'm not a speaker but I just have to say this, a relationship is not a freaken warfare! Its about the TWO people involved! None is the 'boss' of anyone(that's just childish). Its about two MATURE people coming together to make life more beautiful and complete and in my opinion, for it to work you just need to love the person.

Yea I know everyone says love is not enough but I don't mean that giddy feeling you get when you just start dating(that will definitly fade ) I mean love the person enough to want to understand, tolerate and even compromise on what makes you happy for him/her as long as its reciprocated. Love is never one sided, if you don't feel like you're getting the same in return then the love isn't there. In other words, don't do all the loving!.

Well I know there's more(other technical/important details) but I hate to bore peeps with long articles. Still, I hope ya'll got my point.

I like to think that at this level in my life I have gone beyond your post content, and so are most ladies I know, that is why I skipped this phase.

One more thing, the third paragraph of your post contradicts itself. On one hand you are preaching love the person, on the other hand you are preaching don't do all the loving.

You also went ahead to say love is not enough, but understanding, tolerance, etc. Which brings me to this question, "are tolerance, understanding, sacrifice, trust, patient, faithfulness, etc not subsets of love?"


If you follow God's definition of love (which is the most authentic btw), you would find out its ridiculous to say, "I love him but I can't make sacrifices for him or respect him." Don't you think its ridiculous too? Well, i'd like to say one gets to a certain point in life where alot of things would begin to make greater sense to one.


Alot of us know things about what you posted, and alot of us practice them, both in relationships and in marriages, but the bigger question is, "why are things not working out?" both in dating and marriages?

If a lady comes to you and say, "I love my bf so much but he is withdrawn, the spark has died on his part and he seems so distant like he doesn't wanna be with me anymore," what would your practical advice be? Would you say someone in this scenario has a complete relationship?

We have cases of seemingly perfect relationships hitting the rocks, why?

The above scenario is an example of what people face in relationships. Which is beyond the phase of what you posted.

@Homguy: You are totally ignored. Why? This is not a gender bashing thread. You go on and on, yet, you haven't made a single reseanable point neither have you pointed any part of my posts and said, "Here, what do you mean by this and how would it sustain a relationship." Don't you think its a more intelligent approach?

.....

@Seagold: If the only thing you could deduce from my points/posts is gender equality, i'm sorry its not my fault here, its yours. So I can't help you.

But if there is/are any point/points not 'moral' enough for you and you want me to address, i'd gladly do it.

PS: Don't expect me to go all religious.

I think people are not even ready to have a mature discussion.

@Prince: Thank you too.

You know all you guys have been doing here is think all about yourselves. Who is considering the ladies?

I'm not s..tupid, I know guys would read this, but this post is about women on NL who i'm very sure majority of their bfs are not on NL. Whoever (lady) that wants to listen or take note , great! Its not really easy, but hell, principles are hard to keep, so is doing the right thing. Ever wonder why most of us don't keep our new year resolutions? But what would happen is we eventually keep them? We will reap its benefits.

I myself might not cram all these! It took me a who 10 days to put them together, these are personal experiences of people (mine inclusive), most guys opinions too (my ex inclusive), and the guys i even met at the club (part of my assignment). And hey, don't panic, i'm pretty good at statistics and survey research which is my area of specialty.

But do I apply them? Yes! How? I can't cram them but i'm conscious of them. David said, "thy words have I hid in my heart, that I may not sin against thee," Well, so is me! I don't wanna sin against myself. When i'm not so sure, I think. My emotions are no longer holding me hostage.

Is it hard for me? Yes! But do I reap the benefits? You have no idea!

So, advice no be curse!

Nuff said!



@DX: Pls send me mail, cos I might not come on this thread for sometime. You know why already.

Thank you guys, have fun!

@Odunharry: Pls do not mis-interpret me. There was no post of mine that suggests women should control the relationship or the man. Its not possible to control any human. Rather, my posts simply suggest that women should be in control of themselves. These are 2 different things.

I'm not a feminist btw, I don't in that crap? Why? I don't need to shout and jump before a man believes I have equal rights, to be treated fairly. If he sticks around, he would know.

Will Sagamite's view be different from mine? Yes! Why? He would be speaking from a man's POV. What do men want? You will find out shortly.

Thanks.

xynerise: @Vivianc.These rules are for who? The girls that are getting dumber daily?

These rules are just too much for them . Any girl that applies these rules automatically becomes perfect(Which I believe is impossible).

There are many ways to kill a rat. If one tunnel is closed, there is always another open tunnel. You cannot out-smart an ''average'' guy no matter the research you conduct. .


Nice piece though

Wow! You heard right now from the horse's mouth! This is what an average guy who thinks he's got game thinks about an average lady.

You saw it clearly, "Girls who are getting dumber daily?"
There are more:
"Girls have fish brains."
"They are too emotional to reason logically."
Etc?
What are you gonna do? Prove them wrong? Or become the way they predicted? Its entirely up to you.

Xynerise, thank you. Do you mind if I use how you met your wife as a case study?

alutacontinua: Babes, these your rules are starting to get K-Leg to me oo....you don turn am to game!

Besides, vivian was always the sweet lady....what happened?

*Smiles* I'm always very sweet, nothing has changed about that.


This is not a game, whatsoever. These are real life experiences, both mine and the others around me. If you have not experienced it, good for you, but it doesn't make it less real.

So pls, instead of attack my person, kindly point where it seems like a game, i'd explain further, maybe with a real life situation. You can also give us your own POV. We all are still learning.

Ladies, pls ask questions, let's learn together, and get it right once and for all.

Thank you.

Homguy: @ VIVIAN; Forgive me ,but exactly what is this poo about? We should be reading about mature ways to start, maintain, and hold relationships and not some Feministic gibberish. Ladies, should pretend and act in these your myriad hypocritical ways to what end? A guy loves a lady from her manners/dress/presentation on first contact,except the guys you are refering to are teenage boys who are only after sex.
1 QUESTION FOR VIVIAN; If you are currently in a relationship did you go through the about 1000 steps you listed above, sincerely? If you aint in a relationship these odd,facadic rules you put up might just be the reason. Am by no means attacking your personalty but this below-reality article you posted. Heck!

Yea, I knew what you were expecting to read:

1. Drop your own life and run after a man.
2. Cook him 5 course meal, be a p.o.r.n star in his bedroom (when he hasn't even earned it) after all the way to a man's heart is through his stomach and d...ick
3. Your biological clock is ticking, so grab the man you see so fast.
4. If he cheats on you, it is your fault. Go and buy a victoria secret thong, handcuff him on the bed.... And... Lights out...
5. Do not have a say in the relationship.
6. Smother him with love and attention, you know, men are babies.
7. Be perfect!
Bla bla bla and all that.

By the way, I was talking to the ladies, this is an e-conference.

Ladies don't have a problem finding man, nah, the problem is sustaining the relationship. And if we ladies are to participate in the e-conference, then ask us a simple question; "Have you been doing all the above things? Have they helped you sustain the relationship?" The answer would surprise you! Cos if those things actually sustain a relationship, there won't be cases of ladies loving a man too much, being his mother and doing all the expected things, yet the guy would be running after another who doesn't give a damn about it and vice versa. Why? It is our human nature to chase what we don't have.

Or

We won't hear a case of the lady cooking and cleaning everyday, yet, the guy reduces her to a booty call. And mocks her with his friends.

What about the ladies who have moved in with the guys, stayed for 3yrs and still moved out?

Every lady here will attest to this fact.

Don't get me wrong o, I know love is like a plant, for it to be survive you have to water it and nourish it but what happens when you over waters the plant? It dies, simples.

As for you last question? Its ridiculous, I don't owe you any explanation about my personal life, brother. *No pun intended* smiles.

As for your "mature ways" of achieving a complete relationship, i'd love to read, analyze and counter them, but not on this thread. I don't want us to turn this thread into a debate thread. so do me a favour, open another thread for it and call my attention.

Also, if you have more un-ridiculous questions, i'd gladly answer them on this thread.

Thank you.

Did he frame the picture of the so called ex and hanged it on your living room wall? Or you just stumbled upon it?

As for me I wouldn't worry about it, I'd take a look at it and go about my normal biz.

Tabh: If she's hotter than me,i won't take that from him but if I am hotter then I won't give a fu*ck

Wow! I can't believe you would let another woman who is in the past btw to bring out your insecurities. Too bad.

Ok! You have just done the "deed" and he now thinks he holds right where he wants you. Yea, we ladies make the mistake of chasing guy up and down once we have had s..ex and they know this. After the s...ex, you would start chasing him and he would start running, he now thinks he is in control. He would pull out a little bit, or pretend to forget to call you so that he would know your mind or you would start chasing him, blowing up his phone with calls and sms. This is what he is used to, but you are gonna show him your are different. A single night of passion did not change nada.
Maintain you calm self.
Maintain you independence, hobbies, family and friends.
Maintain your little unavailability without explanation.
Don't start running after him or start expecting too much.
He will run back to you when he doesn't see you chase him. Men call this "mental challenge."

Remember, giving a guy a mental challenging has nothing to do with how intelligent you are, or the big English you speak. Nah, that's the mistake most intelligent ladies make, yet, men still dump them, abuse them and all that? Why? Because they dropped there lives and held unto a ring.
The moment you stop giving a man mental challenge, he would become complacent, and he would become bored, the next thing? He would put you on a reserve list, then start hunting for another marriage! That's their nature! We see it everyday in most marriages, in our failed relationships.

So what do you do? Keep on being yourself! Chase other things and watch the guy chase you. Remember, whatever you chase runs away from you.

If he starts giving un-geniue reasons why he can't hang out with you at a particular, no wahala, just make sure you give him that same flimsy excuse when he wants to get together with you.

When you notice the man in your life has become complacent, pull back a little. Plan a weekend get away with the girls and while at it, call him less. When you come back, the spark would be on again.

Change the routines, be it dates, the time he calls you or the s..ex.

This is not the time to give up your job and suggest moving in with him, dumb move!

Have a positive attitude towards life. Do not put out the fire in his life. For instance, if he tells you he is not happy at his work place so he wants to resign and start up his own business, don't say, "Are you sure you can handle it? What do you know about business? What if you fail?" pls, don't discourage him! No body would like that!

Respect him, just like you would want him to respect you. Do not yell or nag him outside or before your friends, you are emasculating him. Let him be in the driving sit sometimes. Let him handle his business, don't meddle unless he asks you to. Or else, you guys would start an unhealthy competition about who is smarter. Men are competitive!

Keep his secrets! Your man needs to know he can depend on you to have his back. Whatever you guys gossip about should be between you, not between you and your girl friends.

Learn how to forgive, ofcourse after you must have punished him. Even God loves us, he forgives us our since too but after he must have reprimanded a little.


Avoid making him look bad before people, especially friends! Do not share his weakness with your friends whenever you got into a fight, unless you don't want to get back together with him.

When he throws a banter at you, give it right back to him. They enjoy it alot.


Do not smother him with too much care, he would turn rebelious like a teenager. For instance, if he goes to hang out with the guys from work, don't start blowing up his phone with calls and sms. Don't not wait up for him, sleep away! If you dare wait up to yell at him, congratulations, you have landed yourselve a teenager. He would keep coming home late just to get you to yell, he likes the attention. He would take you as his mother, " You can yell all you want but you'd still love me." But if you ignore him, he would start rushing home to find out what is taking your attention.

Try to become financially independent. Go look for a job (that,s if you are not yet working), even if they pay for 10k, you would have your self respect and it would save you alotta bulls...hit.

If you guys get into a fight and he rejects your food? Don't even dare to cry, hell no! Finish the food, the one in the pot inclusive and wash your pots. When he gets tired of eating the nonsense buka food and he sees you don't care, he would sneak into the kitchen at midnight searching for food.

If he threatens you with break up, don't cry on your kneels and beg him to stay. Tell him you would be glad to help him pack! Why? No matter how much you love him, you love yourself more!!

Don't ever let him catch you advertising yourself on dating sites. Don't let him catch reading crappy relationship books, if you have one on your reading desk, pls hide it whenever he is coming. Why? Because they read those books too. Whether you like it or not its their world against ours, so they like to spy on the opposition so that they would know how to manipulate us(thank God my friend doesn't even know that NL exists ). These guys shouldn't be reading these posts sef

If you have dated him for over a year and he is still dragging his feet towards popping the big question or he hasn't even discoursed long term plans with you? Do not yell, "where is my damn ring!" Do not give him ultimatums like," If you don't wanna marry me, there are other guys begging on their kneels." Dumb move! Why? Men hate to feel a vacant position. They hate to know that they are not the one that won your heart, swept you off your feet and convienced you to marry them. If he occupies just a position anybody can occupy, it doesn't make them feel special. And you know how much they love to feel special. If you tell him marriage is so important to you, it doesn't matter if Tom or Harry proposes, his interest in you will start dying, and so will his respect for you. But i'm not implying that you hold unto him and keep wasting your time with him, nah! All i'm saying is you should apply wisdom. Remember, wisdom is the principal thing and in all your getting, get understanding! What do you do? Pull back, become unavailable. Slash the time you spend with him from 6O or 70% to 25%. This will set him into an automatic correcting fluid again. You still remember how it works now. When you talk to him, avoid crying and all that sh..it! Keep your face expressionless. Do not tell him you feel you are wasting your time with him, dumb move! Avoid the words; "feel and waste." Rather, tell him you think both of you want different things. He might try to play smart on you by asking, "as in meaning?" Do not repeat yourself, do not tell him its over, nah. Say something like, "We would talk about this later, or I'd see you later," then disappear! Cut off all contact, don't worry, he would figure it out. Guys are smart!

Be gone! Disappear completely! Deny him access to you! Then give him time to miss you.

While you give him time, get busy with ur life as usual, but not with men! Don't take a man to your favourite spot to flaunt and make him jealous, he would see right through it, you are being manipulative, and to most guys this is a deal breaker.
Now that you have given him time out, he would start realising that he has fallen for you. Remember, he came to "hit it," and ended up falling for you. He might try to shrugg it off, after all he is a "man." Remember "Men don't beg for love, the beautiful ones are not yet born sef, every woman is dying to bear their names." Yea, it is unmanly to be emotional or mushy, i hear. Just calm down, by the time he meets 3 or 4 really dumb girls, maybe some runs babes and hookers, he would realise that virtuous women are scarce, priceless just like a good man, he would come looking for you. If he is really ready for the other level of relationship, he would pop the big question. If he is not, maybe because of finances, he would sit you down and explain to you.

Remember, most real life proposals don't happen like Kanye's proposal to Kim K. I should know, my first proposal happened on the bed while we gisting . Some even happen without rings, and no getting down on one kneel.

Pls, if he agrees to foot the wedding bills alone, don't kill him with expenses. Remember, he doesn't have any fairy tale wedding fantasy.

Don't drop your life becomes you now have a ring, what happens in relationship also happen in marriage. Always remember you can't afford to be a doormat, whether as a girl or a wife.
The most important thing you are bringing on board a relationship is you!
The ring is just a bonus/part of your life, not your entire life!

Pls don't kill yourself or jump through hoops in order to achieve a complete relationship. It takes two for it to work. If a man is not interested in achieving a complete relationship with you, there is no need flogging a dead horse, move on!
If you have a single doubt about his love for you, pls don't bother. I believe at this point in our lives, we know what love looks like. If it doesn't feel right, it can never be right! Trust your intuition, always! A wise woman said, "I believe there are two people inside me; My intuition and I, whenever I go against her, she s.c.r.e.ws me all the time. And whenever I listen to her, we get along just fine."

So sisters, the only men worth achieving a complete relationship with are the men who have proven beyond all reasonable doubts that they are worth it. We deserve nothing less!!!


Thank you all and good morning.

WELCOME BACK!
.......CONTINUATION..........
Don't get me wrong o. I'm not by any means implying that there are no guys with good intention out there. The puzzle is, how do we recognise them? Since all of them claim to have "good intentions" for us. Ofcourse, they know if they tell us their actual intentions, none of them would get laid .

So why would surviving that phase take you to new phase? My answer is men want what they don't have. Its not just men, its our human nature.
When you show a man you like him but don't need him, he will lower his guard and start liking you without even knowing. Cos while women fall in love in the presence of men, men fall in love in the absence of women.

So you have got him to lower his guard? Good, but the journey is far from being over. Remember, this is not about playing hard to get, no, its about getting to know him and making sure he is a good catch, otherwise pls drop him like he is hot!
At this point in the relationship, he would be so curious, he would want more than anything to be your priority, DON'T LET HIM! Maintain your cool!
He might come up with being exclusive, don't start dancing awilo before him. We all know it is what we want but don't give it to him on a platter of gold and don't shut him out either. You can tell him, "I like you, you are a really fun guy but i'm not so sure of being exclusive, yet, we are still getting to know each other."
Pls do not fall for that "where do you see yourself in the next 3yrs?" question trick, its a trap believe me (I was asked this tricky question 4 days ago ). When you are asked this question, pls do not blurt out, "I'd be married with 3 kids by then, 2 boys and a girl." Bad call! He is trying to know your plans, he is spying, pls don't let him! Tell him about the big career you are chasing, case closed!
Also, at the stage you might consider reciprocating his kindness. The key word is "reciprocate o." whatever you do, do not buy him a gift first, if you must get him something inexpensive, he will appreciate the gesture behind the gift. If you make the mistake of buying him an expensive gift, he would interpret it as sending a message, ;"hey, I just bought you a designer per, so don't even think of buying me a cheap azz perf."

Remember, always appreciate whatever he does for you, no matter bad you hate the gift pls do not complain, if you do he would never buy you anything another time.

If he does something really nice for you, give him a treat aka "nice meal." Yea, cook him a nice meal, this way he would realise its a treat, he would like to do more to have more treats, who doesn't like treats?

When he messes him, punish him a little. Yes, no sinner shall go unpunished. Most times these men want to know what they can or cannot get away with. That's the truth. The more you let him get away with his bullshit, the more he heaps bigger sh..it on you. The more you let him get away with his bullshit, the more you devalue yourself. But if you let him know, "hey, i'm used to being treated like a treasure and won't tolerate being treated like trash," he would also check himself. He would know the wrong attitude towards you would get him replaced, simples.

So how do you punish him? By your actions, not by words! Well done is always better than well said. Don't yell, nagging is not an option either because the more you nag, the more you give him control over your emotions. For all he knows you are not making sense or being "objective." Infact, he would either say you whine alot or you are seeing your period so your hormones are raging. Honestly, it took me alot of time to figure this out. So what do you do? Master your emotions and master the technique of turning him into an "automatic correction fluid." How? Pull back a little, become partially unavailable to him. He would notice is and ask you "Is anything wrong?" be calm and show no expression. He would rephrase the question, "Did i do something wrong?" Quietly tell him something is wrong but you don't have the time to talk about it now. Bam! Then watch him auto-correct himself, "What did I do? (flashes back) whatever it is might get me replaced if I don't sit up o. Hian, this is a no go area for this babe o." when you do get the time to talk about don't yell, nag, beat about the bush or dwell on it. Tell him straight up, if possible in one sentence and drop the subject as if it didn't happen.

Don't always be a receiver, contribute little little things. Don't get me wrong o, i'm not a 50/50 advocate, i'm not assigning any percentage to you either. Infact, if this guy sings 50/50 like national anthem, pls drop him like he is hot. He doesn't like you. A man that really likes and wants you would be more interested in making you happy than the 50/50 crap. What i'm a saying then? For instance, if he takes you to a movie and pay for your ticket, on your way home stop somewhere and buy something as little as fruits for you guys to eat, snacks, maybe popcorn or icecream. You know stuffs like that. This will make him understand that he is not your meal ticket. Men really hate it when you try to take advantage of their generosity.

Don't be afraid to speak your mind. Don't always ask for permission to do your thing or apologise for pursuing you interest. Avoid seeking validation from him like, "do I look fat in this dress?" Do not ask him,"do you really like me or you just see me as a piece of azz?" These are signs of low self esteem.

Do not compete with his exes! Or the girl that he tells you is chasing him around. Don't get jealous or worked up, most of the "all the girls are dying for me" stories are fake, imaginary. The truth is, if there is any girl chasing him, he would never tell you. Why? He would try to protect your feelings.

Pls drop your miss "independent woman" (I didn't mean financially o)for side or else you would make him feel useless. He wants to impress, pls let him and praise him for it. For instance, if he is around, pls do not kill a cockroach by yourself. What? Have you forgotten you are so delicate you couldn't even hurt a fly? In fact, jump up and act so scared and watch become all protective of you. In fact, after he kills it, praise him! Tell him he is so strong. when you guys are watching a horror movie, act so scared and hide your face in his bossom, then watch him protect you, he would let you know when that scene is over. You know stuffs like that.

Don't ever talk him out of going the extra mile for him. Don't try to be considerate especially when it is his idea, if you do, he would see you as being cheap, believe me.

Do not make his hobbies yours! Bad idea! Don't get me wrong o, once in a while show interest in his hobbies, ask him question about his hobby and watch the nwa teacher glow while he explains it to you. Remember he is "logical." All you need to do is listen with wrapped attention, whether he makes sense to you or not. For instance, if he plays golf, let him teach you once in a while, have you ever noticed how passionate men always are when they are teaching women golf? Show interest, but don't make the hobbies yours! Do not become a fan of his football club, a rival club is a smart choice. Maintain your own hobbies! That way he could be watching his soccer and you are somewhere reading a book. This makes you less clingy and shows him you have interests other than him.

Now talking about s...ex? If you are a firm believer of no s..ex before marriage, great! Maintain your stand, if he can't respect your opinions, he can't respect you! But don't ever blurt out, "No marriage no s..ex," dumb move! Rather, tell him softly you want him too as much as he wants you, but you want it to be special, simple.

If you are not an advocate of no s..ex before marriage, and you are sure he is worth it, and you are ready for it? No wahala. Remember, there are things you mustn't do while at it for the first time.
1. While at it, do not rip your clothes off and fling it towards any direction. It is his job to lovingly UnCloth you.
2. Let him supply the condoms, if he doesn't have pls don't blurt out, "abeg no condom, no sex, all the guys I have slept with wear condoms." Are you crazy? Even if you have one in your wallet, DO NOT BRING IT OUT! Quietly tell him that unsafe s..ex is a stupid risk, simples! He would figure it out.

3. If he has condoms, pls do not play any abrakatabra with it. You know using your mouth to open the condom and then roll it over his d..ick? Dumb move. Whatever do you think you are proving?

4. Pls no BJ, don't show him you are an expert at it. He would start wondering how many d...icks you've had in your mouth.

5. During the humping session pls, do not put up a p..o.rn-like performance. you know the "eyes closed Oh yes! Give it to me daddy" kinda thing? He would know you are fakiing it. While you close your eyes and keep shouting, he would open his eyes and start looking at you like, " Is she crazy?"

6. Let him lead, let him initiate the position. If you dare initiate a position, he would start wondering who taught you that. Just be calm and enjoy it, while you are enjoying the thing, don't be carried away, monitor what he is doing, if not he might try some nasty things on you. Pls don't let him do to you anything that your are not comfortable with.

7. If he is speaking in tongues, pay attention to what he is saying. If you start hearing something like, "Oh f...u...ck, oh sh..it," take note of it but let it slide. You need to know that men don't shout that crap when they are being intimate with a woman they love. But let it slide for something, remember you guys are getting to know each other, you he would fall for you at his own time.
But if you hear something like, "Oh baby, I love you. Pls marry me. And all that I go abuja i buy you kilishi bullsh..it?" pleaseee, stop the s...ex and leave immediately! Why? He is con artist, he is duping you! Kick him outta your life!

8. If the humping session went well, no pillow talks! No match review! Whatever you want to tell him to do to you, tell him why the show is still on! If you start reviewing the match mistakenly tells him what he didn't do to you? You have indirectly told him he didn't satisfy you.
9. Do what men do immediately after s..ex, fall asleep, or walk to the living room and turn on the tv, its soccer time! or if you can, leave after few minutes.

BRB

Sorry guys for the break in transmission. I'm very healthy so i'm placed on really strong drugs, the ones I took this evening knocked me out, I just regained myself.

@sanb: Babes i'm fine. How are you? Thanks for my tear carton RRS . Welcome on board! I hope you have something for us.

@DX: Hope you understand.

@All: Thanks

Would get this over with shortly, so pls don't mind the lengthy posts

HOW THEN DO WE WORK TOWARD A COMPLETE RELATION?
In the beginning of the relationship:
1. Get a life.
2. Allow the man to be the man, let him come for you, let him chase you. They love the chase, they live for it, do not deny them that excitement.
3. Mind the way you dress. There is nothing wrong in sexy a little bit but do not reveal too much skin; be it b...o..obs or legs. When you show so much skin a man would think your body is all you have going for you. You will get attention, yes, but the kind of attention that never lasts! Another thing is you will be giving the man a free show, he gets entertained free of charge! One more thing, he will classify you a short term and once a man sees you as just a s..ex object he can never see you in a different light. If you dress very se..xy later in the relationship, when he most of earned it, then he would know you are doing it for him. So untill he earns you skin, do not put a free show for him and the rest of the guys.
4. Go at your own pace. Do not let him rush you, you would hand the control over to him. Do not spend your entire time with him, do not see him every day of your week with him. Let him know you have a life first. Don't kill him with calls, do not stalk him. Don't always be available for him. Do not cancel your own plans to be with him. Don't be spontaneous with him, if he wants to see you give him an appointment, if he keeps you waiting do not call him, make other plans and rock away, etc.
5. Don't give too much too soon. Don't sleep with him, make him wait! While you are at it, don't ever tell him he has to wait to hit it. Don't tell him he has to wait for a month or six months. Don't ever try to keep him high and dry, he would resent you for it. Don't smooch him till his d...ick is very hard and then pull out and say "Not today or i'm not ready yet," he would resent you for that. Don't let him trick you, don't believe him when he says he is gentle man unless you still believe in father christmas. Keep him interested. How? Kiss or peck him when you are outside where you know his hands can't move, touch his hands slightly while out on a date, laugh and smile at his jokes. Touch him lovingly on his kneel while he is driving (his hands would be on the steering so he can't touch back). When he brings you back from a date, tell him you had fun, appreciate him for footing the bills, kiss him good night and send him home!
6. Put a break on you mouth! How do you think fishes get caught? They opened their damn mouths! Talk about your interest, but never your personal life. Don't tell him how many men you have slept with, whether they are just 2 or 20. Do not tell him what makes you happy and sad, if you do, you have just given him the codes to manipulate you. If he sticks around a little while, he would find out. The little you say about yourself, the more mysterious you'd appear and the more curious he would be.
7. No playing wifey, sister or mother! Do not cook a 5 course meal for him, do not shower him with unnecesary care and attention, he is a grown azz man!
8. Do not demand his attention. Do not expect him to act as your serious boyfriend. Avoid keeping tabs on him, let him do his things. Don't freak out when he hangs out with his friends instead of you. Don't fall for this trick where he would pretend to forget to call you so that you freak out and start calling him. That's a trick baby, don't fall for it! when he pretends he forgot to call you, ignore him. When he remembers to call, do not demand for an explanation and don't let him offer you one, when he tries, quietly change the subject. Do not notice he hasn't called you for days. Time flies when you are having fun!!!
9. Avoid bringing up the M or C word. He would bol Or raise walls to protect himself. An average man is scared of commitment, especially when he hasn't made up his mind. He wants it to be his idea, he doesn't want to be pressured.
10. Watch him closely but do not let him know you are watching him. Men hate to be put under microscope. Watch his actions but keep whatever you figure out to yourself. Don't tell him, if you do, you have given him another code to manipulate you, all he needs to do is re-strategise.
11. Leave his messy house alone for him, do not clean up nada! If there is anywhere that needs cleaning, it should be your home! So that when he visits you, he would feel he has upgraded.
12. Do not try to leave your stuff in house, or invade his kitchen, or try to mark your territory. That's a bachelor's crib, female decor scares the hell out of them. He would feel he is giving his space and adjusting so fast. What will he do next? Put up a wall to guard him from the terrorist (you).
12. Just be his friend, smile at his jokes, give him him a little green light and pull back a little. Remember the key, try to figure him out but do not let him figure you out. Don't let him predict you, pull back a little without an explanation.
13. Always appreciate the little things he does for you. If he takes you out and buys you dinner, or takes you to the movies or buys you a gift, pls appreciate. Neither act as if you are entitled to it nor no one has been that nice to you. Just thank him and move on with it.
These will keep him excited, stimulate a mental challenge. You would appear different from the rest and he would keep coming cos he can't fully have you, and he dares not lose.
Another thing is, we would likely weed out the pretender from the contender. If he can't wait for you, good riddance to bad rubbish.
Remember the popular saying? "Familiarity breeds contempt and predictability breeds boredom."
If you guys pass through this phase, great! Cos it would take you to another phase. But if you guys don't, he was never gonna stick around! His loss!

BRB

D-Explorer:
When i said wisdom saddles their postings, that wasn't a lie! I took my time to read and i'm enjoying this. . .infact, adding!

More Vivian, more!

Pls hang on. BTW, you said Sagamite was going first, what happened.

Would post shortly.

Meanwhile, welcome everyone.

WELCOME BACK!
.............CONTINUATION...........
The big question is how do all these affect our relationship?

First of all let me tell you a little about what I have learned about men.
Men are hunters who love challenges, in fact so many threads on Romance section here would confirm this. We have seen countless threads opened by guys to brag about their sexual prowess and they get pats on the back by their follow hunters (men), they are "conquerors." No man (unless very few) sees a woman and fall instantly in love with her, nah, all they wanna do is "hit it," simple! Yes! They say to themselves, "She carry front, she carry back, she too package, I need to hit that no matter what it takes." They are beings who are scared as hell to commit to just a woman for the rest of their lives! Loosing their freedom is their worst nightmare.
They act like rebelicious teenager when you smother them with unnecessary attention.......... Oh and yes, they would love you to lick their azzes, and when you don't do all these, the chase is freaking on! Did I mention they hate losing? Awww, their egos can't take that. In fact, if it is legal, men would have the head of every woman they have conquered and hang them on their gates!!! (MJB would agree with me on this. *Ok,,, just kidding o*).
They love to be appreciated, praised, they would struggle to be your proirity. They love to feel special, especially when they finally conquered any woman who eluded them for a long time, lol.
And oh, women and "emotional" while are "logical." (Story). Your opinion? "Emotional, theirs? "Objective!" And don't forget, strong women with strong jawline and single bones scare the hell outta them. ok, let me shut up.
Having known a little about men, let's now analysis how not building yourself would ruin your relationship:

1. Quality men appreciate women who don't need them to be happy. Women who are comfortable in their own skin. That gives them mental challenge.

2. Quality men are scared of women who are dependent on them (Not entirely financially.) You see, when you as a woman doesn't a life of your own, no interest, no vision, no friends, etc. The men around you will bolt! Reason? If you are not busy building your life, you would be busy chasing them. You would wanna spend your entire time with them and occupy his space, he now has to report to you how he spends his entire time, you get so upset when he hangs out with the guys. He feels trapped in a cage and the next thing? He runs for his dear life!

3. Men are scared of commitment and they are scared of women who wants it so bad too. When you give a man the slightest idea that your biological clock is ticking therefore you want a serious relationship, he will raise walls to guard himself from a terrorist (you.) Everything you do becomes suspicious, any little act of kindness from you becomes a desperate move. "oh, she thinks cooking for me would make me marry her? After wasting her time she would leave." But when you appear as if you don't want a serious relationship with him, in fact don't even introduce him as a boyfriend, make statements like "Awww, you are a really fun guy." Meaning you are just having fun with him, don't make ur territory in his house, don't ask him about his ex (es). Do your own thing, you are just having fun. What would he do? He would lower his guard and fall in love with you without knowing it. And when he does? He would want to be exclusive with you, and commitment follows. Remember, no man can bear the thought of sharing his woman.

4. Quality men run away from women who can't stand and defend themselves. They don't value push overs and women who tolerate their craps. They find women who obey their every command boring, neither do they value women with no opinion. Its boring for them when they know they can treat you like trash and get away with it. You are killing the fun for them. They love it when you put them in their places, they like women who keep them a little bit on their toes, they love being around feisty women, feisty o, not abbrasive.

5. Quality men run away from women who tries so hard to convince them they are nice. They classify them as frauds. Do you blame them? They also take advantage of the nice girls cos they would filled you the nice girl with a lot of bullshit cos they know it would fly, you would swallow the bullshit hook, line and sinker. For instance, a guy would meet a nice girl who is very gullible and would tell her " I love you, what I feel for you is different, i have never felt this for anyone before. In fact, I see you as my wife, so its not about sex....bla bla bla bullshit." And the nice girl would go, "I have only been with 2 lovers, so I hate playing game, pls don't break my heart." Before you know it, the hunter would invite the girl over to his house, say "Come, i'm not interest in s..ex, I just want us to be together, I see you as my wife already." The nice girl says to herself, "I have found the prince," and runs to her, maybe sits on the couch. The hunter says, "No na, come and lay on the bed with me, I won't do anything, I just want to cuddle," before you know it, "why don't you remove your jean and bra, feel free, I already see you as my wife," and after 10 mins, "Eh, let me remove my boxers, I feel so hot here, I want to be free with you, you are already my wife," before you know it, " pls, let me just put 'it' inside, I won't make love to you, I won't even thrust, i just want to know how it feels in there, i love you so much," and before the nice girl could say "jack" her legs are in the air already. After the humping session she would realise herself and try to do damage control, "I have never done this before with a guy I just met." And after the humping session, the hunter moves on to another "challenge." The show is freaking over! .

6. Nobody finds a woman with low self esteem attractive. Not even me!

7. No quality man would want to hear to story of your life on the first date, or ever. Neither do they wanna hear how many men have been "down there." Hell no! Most men want to be "virgins," they are delusional that way. They would wanna brag about how many things they have hit, but if you as a woman tries to brag? You are a ho. Another thing, telling a man that all your exes are jerks would make him lose respect for you. He would say to himself,"I can't believe you will stoop so low, what are you? A fool? If a man can't treat you that way and get away with it, that means I can do anything I want."

8. When you act like a prize, men would believe they are getting a good "deal." This is not about playing hard to get, its about telling a man with your actions, "hey Mr., If you want me, you are gonna work for it, earn it, invest alot of your time in it. I won't drop my life and run after you simply because you promised me a ring. I need to know if you are going my direction before I hop into this car with you." Its about not letting a man eat his cake and have it. If you chase a man, jump through hoops for him, wear your all s..ex appeal on your sleeve? He would sleep with you and move on, or sleep with and put you on a reserve list, or classify you as booty call. Remember, nothing good comes easy, including you! I have heard this expression before, "If the sex is easy, it is not that good." Have you?

9. No man want a woman who would send him to his early grave, or wreck him financially. Men are scared of not meeting the needs of his family, they are so scared of what will happen if they fail to meet your high taste needs? "would she still be here with me, or would she follow next available man that drives a Range Rover sport?" Men want a woman who can face this roller coaster ride called "life." Not to fulfill some fairy tale fantasies of a woman.

10. No man feels happy around a woman with the wrong attitude towards life. No man wants a woman who is never appreciative of little things, who always have emotional outburst, nags, yells, etc. No man wants a woman who is pesimistic, and who always puts off the fire in him.

The truth of the matter is, there are lots of ways not making ourselves whole (complete) can affect our relationships, negatively.

BRB

Towards a complete relationship.
Many of us have asked ourselves this question at some point in our lives, ;"how do I achieve a complete relationship?" "How do I make this relationship work?"
I'm really glad we are discussing this today, you know share ideas and learn something new, as we all know learning is a continous process.

Like I said in my profile, a complete relationship begins first and foremost with youself, yes you! You can't achieve a complete (whole) relationship without being yourself! The most important thing you are bringing on board a relationship is YOU! You can't recieve what you offer yourself, you can't be respected if you can't respect yourself. People treat you the way you treat yourself! A great song writer said, ;"Learning to love yourself is the greatest of all," and we all now know that a relationship doesn't make us complete, we make a relationship complete.
How then do we make ourselves complete?
A wise woman says, ;"In life, half the battle has to do with the lens we choose to see ourselves through." I totally agree! How about you? How do you see yourself? Like a prize? Worthy? Remember we don't need to be perfect (faultless), we only need to be complete (whole). We are not here to blab the usual "You have to be a great cook and offer the best s..ex, wear the most sexy lingeries, etc. Ofcourse we all have realised that good food and s..ex don't keep a relationship, neither do they make it complete. If they do, most of us would be living happily ever after, moi inclusive

There ways we can make ourselves complete:
1. By being happy all by ourselves. Being comfortable in our own skin. We don't need a man to validate our worth.
2. Set achievable goals and work towards them. Do we yawn to make ourselfs better for our own benefit? Aquire knowledge even when we think we don't need it? Do we have vision/mission? Do we have other interest we pursue other then men? Create time to enjoy ourself wether we have men in our lives or not? These days you hardly hear ladies say, "Oh I can't wait to pursue my dreams." "Oh I can't wait to aquire those skills, get that certification, take that dance class, go to that business school, etc." our only agendum these days is "get married," and the only things we are now building are our wardrobe, buy tons of make up and look fab, buy all sorts of flabby relationship books to help us polish our men chasing skills. Infact, most of us can be sumed up in one statment, ;"pretty and a hot body." And at the end of the day we end up running after frogs, cos when we are desperate cockroaches and squirrel will begin to look so good to us, and then we settle for less and miss out on true happiness. Its now bye bye happy and fulfilled life and welcome to a miserable one. God forbid!
3. Who defines you? You or the society? How many times have you stood for youselves? Or are you just a push over that let people's opinion matter? How many time have you stood up and tell someone that puts you down cos you still maybe single, say, "Hey, a i lead a happy and fulfilled life. If I get married my life would be great, if I don't my life would be great too?" yea, the media and society make us believe once a woman reaches 30yrs and above, she would start "shrinking." so you set yourself on a fertility clock and your time starts ticking- tick tock. Huge LIE!!! In fact, any of us that believes this nonsense should slap herself!!! There are researches that show that once a woman takes good care of herself, we can be sexy and fertile whether in her 20s, 30s, 40s..... We are like wine sisters, we get better with time.

4. Do you try too hard to convince people you are nice? Pls stop!!! Don't be nice! Be you! So you are allergic to bullshit, and so what? You try to convince a man,"I'm a good girl, my hubbies are going to the ophanage and feeding the poor, i can make you a 5 course meal everyday, I can never lie in a relationship, i have never had s..ex before, i have only had 2 lovers all my life....bla bla bla." For real? Are you crazy? Heave will not fall if you stand on your feet and tell someone, "Who i am is more than enough, if it is not enough for you, pls i'd be glad to help you pack!"

5. Miss low self esteem! Do you see yourself as not good enough? Not pretty enough? Not smart enough? When your relationship fails, its all your fault? Why? Because a jerk somewhere told you so? Do you still ask a man, "Do I look fat in this dress?" you can't even appreciate a common compliment without say, "how can you say I look great when my hair is this messy? I have no make up, etc." When a man touches you stomach you say "Honey don't worry, i'm working so hard to have a flat tummy?" or "sorry, my cooking is usually better than this?" Do you still ask a man, " Do you really love me or am I just a piss of azz?" Do you still apologise for doing what makes feel better, for chasing for dreams? Think about this sister, think.
6. The miss pity me. Do you tell a man the story of your life on a first date? How all the men you have dated are jerks? How your family hates you and are no good? How you have been have countless trips to the fertility clinic? Etc? Pls, its hightime we zipped it!

7. Act like a prize! A prize worth dying for? Working hard for? Or do you try to over compensate? Chase guys? Do you still wear all your s..ex appeal on your sleeve? Give it all to a man who hasn't earned it? Do you sacrifice too much for a man who has given you nothings? Neglected your own needs? Are you the "too nice" girl who takes care of everybody and no one is taking care of her? Do you still find yourself being stupidly humble and all that nonsense? Etc. Its time to stop!!! Remember, nothing good comes easy, including you!

8. What is your attitude towards life? Do you wear your emotion on your sleeve? Complain all the time? Whine? Expect happiness from others or the world? Nothing is as unattractive as someone with a crappy attitude towards life.

9. The "Queen of England." Lol, this queen of England doesn't earn a dime but she has enormously stupid high taste! She goes out on a date with someone and orders the most expensive item of the menu ("after all she is worth it", yet, she can't afford her own cup of coffee o. She is a student from a humble background, yet she wear 50k worth of Brazilian and Jamaican hair, Uses 3 Iphone 5, carries around LV purse but has only 100 in it. How do you explain this? Or she earn a 5 or 6 digits salary but spends 3 times her salary. Stays in a tastefully furnished 2 bedroom flat (beyond her salary) were chanel's dresses, drives a good car but can't afford to fuel it, she can't foot her small small bills o. She is owing almost everybody, etc. And wait for it, she thinks cos she offer a man some few minutes of raw and undiluted passion, she is now entitled to the man's money, eh? Who would like to achieve a complete relationship with a lady like this? Well, I guess only fools wh would love to be sent to their early graves.

*Exhales* I could go on and on but i'd like to stop here.

Sisters is never too late to pick up ourselves, dust ourselves and regain total control of our lives. Don't let this post make you feel stupid, hell no! Every woman at some point has been this stupid, including me. In fact, I used to be guilty of most of these things before I realized myself and since I did, my relationships with people; friends, family and yes, the opposite s..ex have improved a whole lot.

If you can't build yourself (whole), you can't build a relationship, and a complete relationship will ALWAYS be a MIRAGE to you.

One might ask, how do all these help me achieve and sustain a quality complete relationship?
We would see how these affect our relationship in the next post.

Be Right Back!

Present.

coogar:

92%??
dang, i am moving to accra. there's no hope of me getting a decent bride in nigeria.

The 8% nko? Good luck with that sha.......

Ehe? Coogar what is it? So all these husbands that cheat, whom do they cheat with? Dogs?

wwwlord:


When you said 92% of Nigerian girls have done or are doing this what is the hope for single guys,its disturbing.

Yes it is, unfortunately every thing in life right now is so disturbing, for both guys and babes.

If you hadn't caught your gf, would you have believed she does that?

wwwlord:


Well,I was confused that a supposed fellowship leader could pull off these dramas and i didnt just want to take rash decisions. I have heard the cliche "no one is perfect " many times that I began to think if it applies to her. She definitely has her strengths but I have realised I can't cope with this weaknesses.

Honestly, no one is perfect. What she does is what 92% of ladies, especially in Nigeria do, even tho there is no justification whatsoever for that, but that's the hard truth. So there is every possibility that the next girl you meet might have being through this phase.

She should have stopped when a very serious guy got into her life, but she didn't. The "no one is perfect" cliche is not applicable to her, the truth of the matter is she is not ready for a committed relationship.

One more thing, most times you have to look beyond the sparkling of a jewelry to realise its fake.

Yes! My parents were strict, even tho I hated it then, now everything is beginning to make perfect sense to me.
I'm gonna raise my kids same way, I just pray i'd be as strong as them.

Pls move on, she is not worth it.

*smiles* Till then................

*Unfollows*