₦airaland Forum

MuhdG: What he meant by that was that

You should feel ashamed admitting pubicly that u don't wear full hijab.

This is my hypothesis on why he said so.

The sunnah teaches muslim women that when they are to cover their body, it should be from head to toe. And as you know, the face and hands can be excluded.

So when u said u don't wear full hijab,,,,he interpreted it as "u don't cover from head to toe"

Hence the reason he made that comment.

Allahu a'llam

Correction should be made with kind words.

@tpia1

Be more sensitive, that is not too much to ask. No one asked you to support polygamy but reduce the toxicity and no, you do not have to recognize my moniker. Your response(s) speaks for itself.

The thread has been derailed, adults who fail to follow simple directions. People should stop dumping the negatives of their lives on others because it is online.

Not your place to tell people to engage in polygamy or otherwise, grow up!

The plane would get too heavy if they serve wheatmeal and egusi naaawww!!!

sallee: Salam Alaykum, first of all before you think marriage, religion comes first for the sake of the unborn kids, its logical that they eventually get confused on the part to choose. Secondly, we're suppose to marry someone that would increase our Iman. Its easier when the man is a Muslim and not vice versa because the woman can't impose her religion on her husband in marriage or she'll be seen as the one controlling him...its easier for her to influence the kids.I don't buy the idea of inter-religious dating. LOVE is what u create in your mind, its you finding something special about the opposite s.ex.

I apologize if I digress. It is NOT easy even if the man is the muslim and the woman non muslim. We have seen way too many of these cases. The mother is the closest influence to the children. The earlier part of your post is stronger though, religion coming first.

Do you know how these non muslims strategize to bring you, the muslim, into their fold? Be it a friend, classmate or spouse? I think the Quran lays it out.

Done!
You too

bintalabi: Male muslims are allowed to marry female xtian if she agree to accept islam but it's a no go area for female muslims to attempt.

coming back with proof inshaAllah

I am waiting for your proof however the Quran verse(s) that prohibits marrying non believers holds true for males and females muslims. The one that allows muslim males to marry Christians and or Jews is silent on the matter for muslimahs. But it does not expressly prohibit muslim women from marrying believers from among the people of the book.

Even with this, did you run out of muslim women/men? If yes, then it's better to marry a believer (people of the book) than to fornicate or be celibate.

baba11: ..Firstly,we need to ask:Who is her friends?Who does she love to be associated to??Which associations does she associated toetc...if the above questions' answers are muslims,she is bounded to marry muslims otherwise she'll marry christians..to change this trends,we have to make them believe in US..also,they need to improve on their faith positively!!!..if they marry christians,who'll marry our muslims brothers...remember,a worst muslim is much better than a best kufr..

A worst muslim is reaalllllyyyyy bad. In fact, he or she is "depressingly bad" Because the muslim should know better. It is not enough to marry a muslim. I have seen way too many muslim couples stray far away from Islam because neither had an understanding of why they were muslims.

Having said that, it is advisable to not marry a non- muslim, be you a male/female. You do not need anyone to tell you this if you understand why you are a muslim. The journey thus begins with self discovery.

When I was younger in the deen, I would have said differently but now........ oju ti ri!

tpia1: do people know the op personally in order for them to leave their OWN problems and start commiserating with hers?


the story does not even sound real, most likely recycled especially with the way certain folks are rushing in with "much sympathy" for the "first" wife.

the way i see it, she or whoever is in this situation, are only dealing with the loss of a husband. This can happen in many ways- through polygamy, cheating,becoming a widow, divorce, criminality, scamming, etc.

There are may single ladies out there, some are raising kids, not all are single because they are in the exact circumstances as the op.

Some women are married but the husbands are relentless skirt chasers day in day out, my point is everybody has their wn problems they are facing.

The op is well placed, she has her job, qualifications and whatever else she needs without depending on the man. Its up to her if she wants to put up with this behaviour or not. In african culture, when your husband brings a second wife, you put up with it whether you like it or not. If thats what she wants to do, then there's no need to table the matter on nl.

what exactly does she want to do?

All this talk about first wife is irrelevant, that does not matter and is inconsequential in the larger picture.

neither is it a matter of threatening others with "when they are in the same situation"- there are millions who never even marry and are happy with their choice.

@tpia1

And here I was applauding you that you have become a more sensitive person. I think it is a true story. I also assume that you are single but are you happy? If yes, good for you. Now some people are single AND miserable, some are married AND miserable (not polygamy). What I wrote was not a "threat". Approach it with an open mind and you will agree that these are things that happen everyday.

The thread is not just for the OP but the rest of us.
Now if I say I am a second wife on this forum, can you imagine the type of posts people will put out here. It is true that a faceless forum will generate the deepest vile in some people but we can still try to not lose our humanity.
I think we should all be less judgmental, it makes for a more peaceful world and that is okay too.

@edwife
I agree with you and I hope the OP will have strength to make her own peace regardless of the some of the unpleasant contributions.

Points to note
Perfect means different thing to different people, you can create your own perfect
Some people will get married but will still be alone for the rest of their lives because of their attitude (mono or poly, don't matter)
Some will claim that they will do "a, b, c to the nth power if this happened to them, they are single now and will possibly
- remain single forever, and lonely
- become another man's second, third or nth wife
Some are married and will say "lai lai, I will not gree", when it happens to them, they will become MIA.


I pray God makes it easy for you to make the best choices.
It is not easy for any woman (forget about polling first wives). All women want to have "the man" to themselves but wants are not always needs and are not always attainable and may not always be the best.

BABE3: yes, some are just here to mock. As humans, we have this need to make ourselves feel better by judging others. It's innate and if it's not checked, it becomes a part of you to constantly judge and castigate.

There's a difference between what edwife is doing (asking genuine questions and passing comments) and what some others are doing. What's the meaning of "tufikwa: I can't imagine sharing my own husband.. "? Is that supposed to make the OP cry harder or envy you? (not you in particular).

The most important thing is that she's trying to make the best out of the situation (as a christian); what most cannot even do.

I love this post.

OMG


It is truly a MESSAGE!

Allahu Akbar. I just did mine. I expected it to be true anyways but if untrue was not going to lessen my faith.

This guy don vexxxxxx mennnn!

MacCantStopMe: The one thing I respect Tbaba12345 for is that he doesnt engage in personal abuse like this. I'm surprised that the chief muslim troll, vedaxcool hasnt joined you guys...



In the words of Vedaxcool, "haters, I am winning"

It was a similtude, I meant no abuse. Pardon me if it came across that way.

I once met a lady from Edo state. She was wife number 3, she told me that she worked with the Nigerian customs and honestly, I cannot recall if she had a B.Sc or not. But I was an undergraduate back then.
I was incredulous and I asked her "how do you cope?" for I could not even imagine sharing my husband.
She told me a lot but one thing I recall is that she said the wives quarrel but once they hear the husband's voice, they collaborate and become very jovial amongst each other. He could never catch them fighting, that would make him too comfortable to bring in #4. But seeing them in harmony, he is a little "nervous" if that's the right word.
I suspect she was brought in to calm the nerves of #1 and #2. Even now, I still wonder about it but then to each his/her own. Each family is different and will do what suits them best

A lot of married men are; unless they are getting extra from outside the home. The average male has a higher drive than his wife. She does all the housework, deals with the kids and is exhausted.. He is Hot, she is not. Teeth gnashing begins. He can manage and become a very sad married man or do what most men do

May God bless you, protect you and yours, Amin.

GodsDivinefavor: Am the owner of the thread and will always come around, all the contribution are beneficial not only to me but everybody.

Let calm some nerves...

I have a Msc in botany and more educated than hubby who only have a first degree.
He his financially better than I do cos he owns a haulage company which is doing well.

We got married legally and am empowered by law which me, hubby and both families are aware of.

But my mum spoke with me, she said a lot which really is reason behind my "stupidity".

Like I said ealier, law aside and education to the marine...I know myself even without those weapon, I can be brutal.

I guess mum knows her daughter too well, that must have accounted for the role she played.

Sincerely, I might have lost everything including job,kids,hubby and my life if I reacted the way my normal me would have.

I just hope I get the grace to carry on.

NB: I got everybody pm, but not now.

Please do not sell yourself short. I have not met you but "stupiditty" is not a word that applies to you.
You have displayed a lot of wisdom in your posts
May God strengthen you.

I want to point out some areas where you may feel some effects
When outsiders (some married women) learn of your situation, they might view you differently
They might behave to you differently
Some might want to cut off ties
Some will stay with you but their advice may be very contrary to what your mother advised.
But you will find friends that will respect you (regardless of their own marriage) and admire your strength.
They will provide you with tips on how to make things work
Don't lose sight of communication
And please stay with him if you still love each other and he treats you and your kids well.

bellong: My experience may not be close but it is similar to countless sour polygamous homes.

As per your husband married to his mum, I still maintain it is a different ball game.

You knew he was mummy's boy before marrying him unlike one springing up surprise by bringing another woman home.


You cannot compare oranges with banana

Let it go. This is not useful to anyone

cococandy: That was supposed to appeal to our emotions.
Like how would you let a man you love go to jail for marrying another woman.

So I thought
And I thought.
And I'm like

Hell yea (evil grin)

If I'm not good enough for him and he has to go outside to bring in another woman/women to make up for my 'short comings'
While knowing he has faults too that I put up with and don't seek to get from other men.

Why should I care where he sleeps?

Out of our lives and alone with his new wife,kirikiri or washington state penitentiary.

All fine by moi.

I feel you, totally

bellong: You are saying something completely different. I wouldn't understand the "your husband is married to his mother part".. Everybody loves his/her mother irrespective of gender and that doesn't mean everybody is married to his/her mother.

I was born into a polygamous settings, I am not closed minded to whatever dynamics therein. If your polygamous is your husband being married to his mother, it is no polygamous.

My eyes is not closed to ideas.... I have an open mind especially on issues I have first hand experience.

And yes, the discussion is still matured....

You have no idea.......

Your experience being born into a polygamous home may not be another person's, not close, not similar. You are right to oppose it and so is whomever supports it.

bellong: If I were a woman, I wouldn't mind putting him behind bars if he can't obey the law he swore to keep...

Any man that thinks he can't stay with one wife should stay clear of the registry. Traditional marriage will cover his excesses.


The law was designed for relative sanity in the society.



Sure she does, it is her dillydallying I didn't understand...

Let us strive to continue this discourse in a mature manner. My people say if 2 siblings walk into a room, spend some time and come out laughing and giggling, they have been lying to each other behind closed doors. Saying I support or oppose polygamy is a minor here, I am only trying to make us all reason from another angle.

I was a first wife but my husband was married to his mother, so I basically started off in a polygamy (minus the intercourse part). It was miserable but I am still not one of those who wish to marry a man whose mother is already dead, I have sons too and I hope to live long enough to see my legitimate grandkids and daughters in law.
Sometimes as we grow older and see (hopefully learn) from life, our views begin to change.

It is not my wish to change your mind, but to open your eyes to see the other possible angles.

Let us hope that someday his similitude would be that of one who spends a long time in the company of the perfume seller and begins to smell good. Because, if this guy never smells good, it means unfortunately that the stink is from deep inside. May Allah have mercy on him and give him this unique gift of true guidance.

bellong: What are you driving at?

It is not good to enforce the law or it should be expunged?

Neither. Make and enforce sensible laws that are compatible with Human (or Man) nature.

Would you want the father of your kids to spend 21 years behind bars? For marrying another woman?

cococandy: Orthodox and even some big pentecostal churches have made it compulsory that every marriage must be registered in the marriage registry and the court will give the church the permission to wed the couple.
(Permission only given after investigations to prove that none of them has a spouse somewhere else)
Same thing as court marriage just that a minister is the person in charge of the ceremony.

Unless na mushroom church the guy wants to go to or maybe only traditional marriage he wants,there's no way he can run away from having a court registered marriage.

In which case,only a divorce (if his church permits) or the death of his wife can allow him a legal second wife.

Same difference.

bellong: And you believe we do not have such law in Nigeria?

If the OP has a court marriage certificate, her husband is playing with 21yrs behind bars if she wants to expose him. The Nigerian marriage law is against polygamy except its done outside the registry.

I am sure you have such laws in Nigeria. The moment the law begins to get properly enforced, the following will happen
1. Less men will desire to get married in courts
2. More married women will disappear or go missing
3. More kids will grow up with a single mother because daddy is in jail

Overall, it only massages the ego of the woman and most Nigerian women would still not go this route.

TV01: Yes, I am. The proud husband of 1 wife !


TV

Well I hope she is reading this

TV01: I can't really argue that point can I? Even if I claim it's morality based, it's evident my morality is Christianity based.


But I can argue this one; please evidence that assertion.

Whatever ones beliefs about how human beings - or marriage - came into existence, polygamy could never have pre-dated monogamy. even a polygamist has to marry one to start with !

With a natural birthrate of around 105/6 boys to 100 girls, even where polygamy is permitted, monogamy remains the most practiced model.

Polygamy would be dead on arrival (or at best marginal) in a society where there is full harmony and empowerment of the sexes. ATBE, all it really is is a carnal (legally winked at) outlet for concupiscence in men.

ATBE, what right-thinking or empowered woman really wants to share her husband? And what loving and faithful man can really claim that he requires further wives?


All you are saying here - and quite wrongly I might add - is that fidelity is not synonymous with conjugal faithfullness. By definition, you cannot make that claim for monogamy.


TV

Are you married? am just trying to see what angle each contributor is writing from.
@all others
Let us remember to be civil and respectful of the OP. This is her reality and many women in Africa. The strict laws concerning monogamy in the West makes it a non issue because the man either divorces or kills his wife, then marries the new one.

@OP, Do not leave your husband if you both still love each other and can make it work. I agree that the woman in the home should be notified first. Wanting to be a polygamist does not equate cheating and sneaking up on your spouse. Respect for feelings are crucial in any relationship.

freecocoa: I can't help but think that, the only reason a man would take a second wife is, because he is tired of the first wife and wants to replace her, more like he's missing something and feels another woman can give him that.


I can never be a 2nd wife or agree to a 2nd wife.

Fortunately (or not) men are not like us. You would be surprised if you did a survey among men as to why they (1) take a second wife Or (2) keep a mistress/girlfriend.
It does not always mean that they do not like the woman they are with or married to.

Each individual must at the end of the day do what they are comfortable with.

Theoretical question now Would you then consider marrying a widower or a divorcee?? If your answer is yes, would that mean that you somewhat wish someone's wife died or his marriage collapsed so that you can be the only wife? Somewhat similar to women/ladies hoping to marry a man whose mother is already dead so that they do not have a mother in law. Again, my question is theoretical. Just another way to look at it.

nwapastor: Why is it that when a man likes/loves a woman/lady he often finds a way of communicating it but when he falls out of love he tends to just walk away without any explanation leaving the lady to keep wondering what went wrong? Sometimes the next thing the lady will hear is that he is getting married to someone else leaving the lady speechless (to say the least).

He probably wanted a taste, got it, then moved on?? I don't know. Maybe the guys can help