₦airaland Forum

Noni

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

3. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

4. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."

5. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

6. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

7. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.

8. "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

9. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

10. A woman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

A guy went to a house whose occupants were yorubas.

He was looking for someone with the name of MR RICE

The housewife told him "we no dey cook hotel here!"

A couple were watching ''Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.'' The husband winks and says, ''Honey, let's go upstairs, ''

The wife says, “no”. The husband asks again, and again she says no. The husband asks, ''Is that your final answer?''

The wife says yes!

The husband says, ‘‘well, can I phone a friend?''

One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.
He said to her, “If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle.”

The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, “If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”

The wife grabbed her husband’s p, s and replied, “and if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your bother!”

This guy phoned the Hospital asking for an ambulance to come quickly and convey his wife who is in labour to the hospital:

GUY: Is that the attendant? Come quick my wife is about to deliver! She has already broken her tube! Hurry up!

ATTND: Is that her first child?

GUY: NO! you stinking fool! Idiot! I am her Husband!!!

This supposedly true story is about a pastor (who is not a computer literate person by his own admission) as he told of a real phone call he received from the church secretary.

Secretary: Pastor, we've got a problem in the computer lab where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the class started messing with the mice.

Pastor: What?!?! {thinking: we've got mice in there?}

Secretary: Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls.

Pastor: {incredulously:} Th, th, they did what How in the world did they do that?

Secretary: They must have used a screwdriver or something.

Pastor: We've got some pretty sick boys, I, I, didn't even realize mice had balls,

Secretary: Yeah, they roll around on 'em all the time.

Pastor: What {still thinking of the little furry real animals} Well, what can we do?

Secretary: I guess we'll have to put 'em back on.

Pastor: WHAT??!!!!!!

Secretary: Hmmm, Pastor, are we talking about the same thing?!

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear. Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital.

As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear. The boyfriend then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it. The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut.

The mother then asked the father, our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up.

The father replied, by the smell of his fingers, our SON-IN-LAW.

O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?" O'Leary said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Shaunassy had one just like mine and I knew that Shaunassy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunassy had to take off his hat during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunassy's hat."

The priest said, "Well, O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Shaunassy's hat. What changed your mind?" O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunassy's hat." The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said "After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

O'Leary shook his head and said "No, Father, after you talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my hat!"

Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the New York Times on 2 March 1999:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, a gang of raiders' efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat," The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.

The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read: NEW YORK'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

hey this was posted just yesterday and you are already repeating it today. next time please scroll atleast to the most recent posts

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."

Startled, she asked him, "What happened to 'beautiful?'"

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down, and his fly wide open.

His secretary walked up to him and said, "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"

This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood.

He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.

When he reached her desk, he said, "When you saw the garage door open did you see my jaguar parked in there?"

The secretary smiled for a moment and said, "No, Boss, I didn't. All I saw was a Mini with 2 flat tires."

I came across these on the Internet This morning and i felt like sharing with you with all sincerity.

http://www.cyberistan.org/islamic/quote1.html

They are honest and sincere presentations of Prophet Muhammad (SAW) life as seen by some great men and Christian leaders.

[b]You know TayoD, we are not argueing about supremacy of religion here as you may see from the title because i can't see anyone winning. The fact of the matter here is that there has being serious misconception about Islam and Violence to the extend that some see violence as ordained. We are stressing here that it is a wrong notion and Islam actually enjoined peaceful co-existence.

If you are surprised by the misconception even by some muslims faithful, i can understand that but if you were trying to emphasised that the correct fact is for muslims to be violent, then you are not being fair to us. You and me knows that the world is full of individuals with shallowness of intellect and conceptual misrepresentations. But in real sense, there is no need for practising any violent religion.

The world would be a better place if we all give a more precise and accurate presentations of religious ideals that seek to promote harmony and love. There is no doubt that our various religions stand for peace and not violence. Islam should be understood properly[/b]

TayoD, you already have a mindset, we are not making any headway here. We are muslims, Our lives are governed by the Teachings of Holy Quran. We told you the meaning of that surah. we don t want to fight because we were not ordered to. We were told to live in peace with our christian brethren and thats what we are doing here.

i give you a full text of suratul Asr ( Qur. 103)

In The Name Of Allah The beneficient The merciful
1 By (the Token of) Time (through the ages),
2 Verily Man is in a state of loss,
3 Except such that have Faith, and do righteous deeds, and (join together) in the mutual teaching of Truth, and of Patience and Constancy.

Thats all God Expect from us

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto
the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the
end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus , so shut the h*#l up."

they saw it mistakingly while he was dressing up. U know they live in the same compound

you guys finished great

You see Mrlawng, i dont need to know you but i really have a minimal behavioural expectation from members of this elite forum. when you discuss an issue with a mindset like yours you are not trying to achieve anything but to cause ill feelings and rancour.

We dont argue here, we exchange knowledge. you dont really need to make a contribution if you dont have any good to offer. we are suppose to be enlighten here. cant you see that?

And please stop attacking Islam cos you are damaging the reputation of this forum. words spread fast and you can never underestimate the power of peoples perception. Lets have fun here

Gunners for ever