₦airaland Forum

ileobatojo: Apparently! Become a mute robot....... and wear black bra with red pant.... Or is it the other way around?

Mtschieew!

judii: you are sooooo no point, dear.

Donxavier: Ok those ones are obviously unhealthy, but it's a thin line between this domestic abuse and 'fighting' you talking about with the myriad of forms in the middle.

francafrank: Thanks I will come in every morning just post your questions. I will try to answer them.

The goal setting I am talking about is defining what you want in the relationship. When I first met my hussy I was under 18 and I told him that I came from a home where my father was a strict disciplinarian and will always flog you at the slightest opportunity. (When I say flog I mean putting you on the table and giving you 24 strokes of the cane). I told him that I had been beaten a lot as a child and will not want to be beaten by my hussy. Mind you this was before he proposed. I remember saying something like "If I do anything to you please don't beat me i beg you; i will just die, i want a friend not a father" That made it for me at least he understood from the beginning.

As the years wore on I am hot headed and can argue or quarrel with him but you know what i know when to stop (limits) when i know i have made my point i keep quiet. if he continues i stand near the door. I do not ever allow him to be angry to the extent that he will want to catch me let alone touch me. Sorry is a big word I love you is a bigger word. when it gets hot I just say I am sorry and you know i love you too much and most especially at these moments. Believe it or not it works like magic and diffuses every tension.

Sometimes Women get abused because they want to get gifts from their men. Let me share a little experience 4years ago i was part of an EU funded project where women were trained to stand up for their rights and report abuse and violence against them in their community. Paralegals were hired and trained to handle such cases. At a review meeting with the women one of them reported that a neighbor had been beaten up by her husband. On inquiry the abused woman told me that she wanted her husband to beat her up because that is the only way she can have the new hollandis wrapper in vogue. Apparently after beating her she will be "begged" with any gifts of her choice.

Sensitization is the watch word.

I don't know the NGOs in other states but here in Cross River I can link anyone who is interested just send a mail to my email benefrancatony@gmail.com. I also know that all states have the ministry of Women affairs and social welfare they deal with violence against women. Do you also know that most states have passed edicts on violence AGAINST WOMEN. You can get your man arrested for beating you up.

Donxavier: I agree with you. The whole thing is messed up and the perversion of ideals is why we are where we are now. I still repeat most ladies that grew up in Nigeria that are in their 50s and 60s now have endured one form of domestic abuse sometime or the other. that's the reason why they keep telling the younger ladies to endure in their marriage but some men are from hell and some women from Bottomless pit

Depending on the case, you know which one to endure and which one to flee from.

Donxavier: Madam Alkane ; what is this black bra and red pant you keep chanting about

nne3870: Lol... Now you'r being sarcastic, if he says jump you should be able to ask him why you should jump so that he doesn't wake up one day and asks you to continue jumping.

nne3870: How did he become violent?
A man does not suddenly turn violent pls so I ask what made him violent?

Donxavier: It's cause of the upbringing now. My grandfather used to beat his wife, you know now all these yoruba hard/strong men. that's how most of these men grow up, some people adjust some people dont. Some people's own is mild some is extreme. A lot of things come into play.

Chillisauce: By wearing a catapult and doing bend down select. Heard it works wonder thank me later

Idowuogbo: Henhen? How do u handle a violent man?

Chillisauce: Or leopard skin g-string known as catapult .

nne3870: No handle issues that leads to abuse.

Donxavier: Flee from all forms of extremism. But most guys are obviously not like that. Most of the guys described here or you guys are talking about are bordering on psychotic and severe personality disorders/ mental bipolar issues and not normal guys.

nne3870: Nobody gets married and hopes to be single again, but sometimes people change. Nobody is perfect even in relationships you learn to adjust, likewise marriage.
I'm not in support of any form of abuse in marriage, I dnt pray to meet one either but all I am saying is divorce is not the answer.
It has nothing to do with low self esteem, most times involve families into the issue. Let them know what is happening instead of keeping quiet and pretending that all is well. Go home to your parents, stay for a while while you work things out with your spouse.
I don't know why madam chaircover is not here to share her views sef..... Chaircover where are you?

nne3870: You are the most senseless and irrational mother I have ever seen on nairaland, ewu. So if I was your daughter and I come home telling you that I had a misunderstanding with my husband all you can tell me is leave? Or may be divorce? What happens to making it work?
No sensible man will just wake up and start beating his wife, won't you try to atleast know the reason why he is behaving like that? What if your daughter actually needs to work on herself? It takes time to build a good home free of abuse madam itibolibo.
Read my post again and this time carefully. BTw don't quote me next time if you dnt have any reasonable thing to say, if you notice I did not ask for you opinion, I asked madam francafrank who I believe is not a st.upid mother.

nbright: Your post was kind of one sided... But thank you all the same

ileobatojo: Amen!

Imagine a male reading and rereading a book on how to a woman should 'submit to conquer'. What exactly are you trying to imbibe by reading it multiple times? How you will lecture your wife to behave to keep the marriage no matter how badly you behave? What about reading books that teach a man how to be a good husband?

The education needs to be focused on both sexes equally. It's only in the setting of marriage that the job of a 'leader' is to behave however he wants, and relegate the responsibility of the success of the organization to the 'subordinate'. All the while going around shouting that he is the leader. The one who does that is no leader, just deceiving himself. In what other setting does the leader keep messing up and get excused by blaming the junior workers for not keeping him in check?



Nice one Buka! Very nice!

ileobatojo: word!



This dude's making a whole lot of sense!

stillwater: You see why it's important to educate boys as well as girls in this self actualization issue. I see a lot of initiatives being set up for the girl child and we forget the boys. This is what I wrote on another thread that had an initiative on empowering the girl child...

'We need to carry the boys along in this initiative. The problem we have today is that girls are beginning to adapt to the much needed independence and being outspoken about it while the boys are yet to adapt to this new concept in a woman. So boys need to be carried along as well. You can't be empowering the girls while the boys still have the idea that all what a wife is needed for is to be his maid. It would be a recipe for disaster if we forget the boys. It's like pouring sand in our garri.'

An empowered girl and a boy stuck in the ideals of the 50's is a recipe for disaster in marriage.
Let's not forget the boy child.

stillwater: Lollllll!

nbright: What about mothers?, shouldn't they exhibit the qualities of a good/virtuous mother too?.

bukatyne: It is not enough to teach them, our lives must portray what we are teaching them.

The relationship between parents also goes a very long way to impart these kids. Imagine a family where the husband beats his wife or cheats on her still teaching his females about self esteem.

Some parents might never teach their kids on 'self esteem' but their lifestyle is enough to fill the girls up for the rest of their lives.

nbright: @Jide and all the girls here... This question has been bothering me ever since... I've seen many quotes by girls on nairaland that a guy shows his love for a girl by buying her things... Now my question is this... How does a girl show a boy that she loves him?.. Is it by eating what he bought for her?...

50calibre: The bolded is a myth. Anybody can believe whatever they like, no woman is equal to a man, no woman!

kadman: This book sounds like one of those how to "please your man" books. It's always the same recipe really - Cook for him, have his babies, pamper him like a 5 year old whose mother did not take care of him properly, whilst being submissive at the same time.

Please notice that author is male, why's he writing a book about the wisest woman? Of course he would perceive a woman as wise when she does his biddings.

OP, as someone said avoid these modern day slavery manuals.

Donxavier: I think there was a principle in what he was trying to say until he ruined it with chauvinistic views. An intelligent wife can definitely be in control of her family and be the one calling the shots by her submission to her husband.

jidegirl12: 4. PRACTICAL SKILLS

I wish I'd asked my dad to show me how to do DIY! Teaching your daughter practical skills will be very useful, so that she can deal with basic household and car repairs. Make sure she knows how to cook, so that she eats a healthy diet and doesn't end up living on prepared meals.

5. BODY CONFIDENCE

Far too many girls feel that there is something wrong with their physical appearance. They find fault with every part of themselves and their negative body image affects their whole life. Show your daughter how to feel confident about her looks, and that she should be happy with what she has. She should not compare herself unfavourably to media images, or let mean comments affect her.

6. EQUAL TO MEN

Your daughter should feel that she is equal to men in every way. Whatever they do, she can do. There are no professions that are closed to her; she can be whatever she wants. She can play sports, fly a plane, and be independent. But equality goes both ways - she should also respect men as her equals.

7. NOTHING COMES FREE

This is a lesson that you should teach all your children, not just girls. They should not expect anything to be given to them. Instead, they must learn to work for what they want. Too many adults expect their parents to subsidise them, sometimes to the point of thousands of dollars. It's understandable that you might want to help your children out, especially if they hit hard times, but teach them independence. Don't let them assume that they can treat you as a bank.

Parenting is definitely the hardest job you will ever do. Many think that raising girls presents more challenges, especially in these times of unspoken messages about body image. The important thing is to teach your daughter to be independent and confident.

justplainpaul: Na wa o. Feminists everywhere. no wonder the rate of single women and mothers are high. @op, even though u don`t like my posts. try and read that book. there is no harm in trying. don`t leave any stone unturned in trying to save your marriage. this bunch of pple here telling u to do otherwise will still be the ones to chastise u for being a single mother and divorcee. be motivated by the words of David Livingstone. ` I WILL GO ANYWHERE AS LONG AS IT IS FORWARD. I rest my case.