₦airaland Forum

If a young man cannot write down the reasons why he proposed to a young lady of all the ladies he has met, then there is a serious problem.

I guess this thread why some marriages seem to achieve nothing except bringing kids into the world.

Some even suggest that the young man show the cash? Seriously? Does it mean that he has nothing to offer the wife to be except money? What if she happens to be a self sufficient woman? What happens if he is temporarily unable to provide? He loses relevance in his marriage?

The young man should be happy; his inlaw has presented him an opportunity to reflect on the reasons he wants to get married (if he has any)

sexymoma: By the time his daughter is 42, he would be writing essay to guys to come and marry her for free


Let him get married to her daughter na.
essay writing wey person don drop since secondary school.

I am trying to figure the correlation your post as to do with the thread at hand.

And to think you are a lady

It is well

@Kenya,

The mind is a very incredible gift God has given to us. Your liberation comes from your mind first. Determine with evrything as in everything you have to escape and you will find a way. Harriet Tubman was a black slave woman and she managed to stidy her environment, leave her hubby, escape and lead hundreds to safety in the 19th century so you escaping from your abuser in 2013 will be better. Read ileobatojo"s posts for strategy. Other posters have also given practical steps, please follow them.

God be with you.

Guseh: I thought as much, but am not a "shock-absorber". Lolzzz...

Guseh: Remember i don't want her anymore.
But, you be badt player ooo

You are more sensible than I thought.

Please take it as a compliment

jidegirl12: You tell us the difference.

Only nbright or you can do that

lertee: Yeah I knew I made sense..

Thumbs up

iHustle: Whoever equates women to men does not love God.

Which God are you referring to?

coogar: i really don't think it's about affordability - the idea that a gift is coming from a loved one is appetising on it's own. in all seriousness, most women can afford the gifts men give them but it's not really about the value, it's the affection & the intent attached to the gifts that melts the heart of a woman.

Is it a gift or a bribe or reward?

Wu Zetian: In his case, I wonder ooo.

Believing in gender equality, only exempts you from being a sexist. Because there isn't any generally accepted definition of who a feminist is, most feminists have decided to definite a feminist as someone who advocates and actually takes actions/steps into fighting gender inequality.

You can't just lay in your house believing in gender equality and call yourself a feminist. Also, modern feminism focuses a little more on social equality. Marriage is a social institution so lemme touch on that. Feminist believe that a man is not automatically the head of the woman in a marriage, they do believe in freedom of choice. That is, a woman can chose to make her man the head as long as she made the choice, she can choose to become a housewife, as long as she made the choice.

If I understand the bolded, you mean someone who practices it and not just believe with mouth only

As for the second paragraph, I believe who we are would also determine our outlook to life. E.g. a Christian is a person who has accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. Some believe wearing jewelry is a sin, some don't; some make up and use hair extensions; some don't etc.

nbright: Jesus Christ!... Not you again

It 's me again

What is feminism?

nbright: @quote.... Amen to that.. I so much believed in equality and not feminism... Wish all girls reason like you do.

And what is the difference?

Donxavier: What the fcukk?

Sometimes when I say some ladies get off on abuse, people will say am wicked. How do you explain this? Is he the only man in the world?

Hence my question

bukatyne: Do you have parents or are they aware?

nbright: I am not as enlightened as you... Maybe next time you should just right everything rather than expecting me to grab what isn't written.. Thank you

Nbright,

Everything was expressly in my post. What you did was pick a line separately and interpret the whole post to your taste based on that line.

Please reread my post.

kenyattamoore: I am in a abusive relationship ,this for those who are saying what they will or not do if they find themselves in this situation .the last time he beats was yesterday .as I am writting now ,I have a bloody eye and wounds everywhere ...he squeezed my throat so hard until I stopped breathing ,kicked me in the head repeatdly and also kicked me in my lower abdomen,am still bleeding right now and I am very scared
I tried leaving for for several times but he would come to my house and cry his eyes out ...if the crying doesn't work he will result on threatening me ,like he did yesterday ,he says nobody else will have me because he would have killed me before it happens ...so I really don't have any choice right now and no strength to fight no more ,I know I am already dead anyway,just a matter of time

Do you have parents or are they aware?

ileobatojo: By settling them of course. I'm not talking about calling them up and asking them to come escort a violent person out o. You are on a long tin if it's that one. Police will do anything you want them to do if they see your money. How much more the things they are already supposed to be doing.

If the police no gree, military boys will do it for settlement, if military no gree, get area boys (if you are so inclined)

Police ----> Military ----> Area boys!

Lol!

Abuse strips the abused of his/her self esteem

ileobatojo: Unless she's the one paying for their housing, he shouldn't leave jare. Why inconvenience himself for no reason? If sending her away will cause too much drama, just get the police or some military men to supervise her peaceful packing of her things. But you people should definitely not continue like this. What if someone dies by mistake?



Exactly! Bottom line, anyone in such a relationship needs to remove themselves from the situation! If you're married to a psycho, stop living in denial, stop fooling yourself that you have a 'marriage', cut your losses and move on!

I was thinking an abuser might not take lightly to been sent out.

It is easier for the abused to run than otherwise.

Police for Naija? hmmm...

Nashville: If you have followed the 34 pages of this thread, you will notice most people (almost all) have told abused women to leave the house and get a job if not working. I am not sure where you have read the endure, pray, check yourself things you are describing. This is not a male vs female thing and lets not make it one, as abuse does not have gender. The advice has been consistent so far for both sexes which is simply "get out of the relationship"! Dont derail the thread please. If you think men in abusive relationships should endure and pray, please just say so!

Where did I make it male versus female 'defender of the brethren?'

I think they should where a sexy thong and get six parks

warrigal: So are we sayin we shuld 4get d oda woman and face our men? @nashville, i tink i disagree wit d oda woman being jus a mistress alone, a man culd form some sort an attachment wit a co-worker dat might nt even involve intimacy, a relationship dat might put his marriage on shaky grounds.

Funny how the tide has turned and everyone is suddenly saying 'send her packing', 'let her go back home for retraining' etc. where are all the endure, pray, check yourself advisers go to?

The women wondering if the female abusers lack home training are funny! Is been a female abuser worse than a male abuser? We are suddenly suggesting that the man is not 'man' enough or not asserting his authority. Hmmm!

Donxavier and the other men who cannot imagine been abused, do you know understand how those abused women feel?

@Coogar, what do you advice the poster abused to do in this case?

@poster with an abusive wife, please report her to her family and if she doesn't change, leave the home awhile for her.

warrigal: Rily? hw? also i dont think only daft nd senseless can ve deir attention taken away 4rm their wives

Have you seen a married man disturbing himself about the other man before?

He has the common sense to know that his wife is the problem and not the other man.

We should take a cue from them.

I am sorry I'm not all those wear black pant red bra cook sweet food wonderful sex preachers. If that"s what you want to hear, there are a lot of threads to that effect.

Marriage requires two mature people to make it work. If you are not satisfied with hubby's way, the onus is on you to cry out so that the problem (real or imagined) can be solved and vice versa.

If you think husbands are babies that can be cajoled to give their attention to the other woman, it is well

Which other woman? Why stress yourself to deal with numerous other women when you cab deal with only one husband?

The only link the other women have to you is your husband.

Except your husband is daft and senseless, no other woman can take his attention away from you. He gives it to them.

People should learn to cure the disease and not the symptoms

Richfella: Hey son, that's one. It doesn't matter who dumped who.

You've moved on, I'd advice you keep it that way.

What you need in this woman business is experience, lots of it. And you can only get it after running through plenty of them.

You want to get to a place where you can buy condoms for someone to bang your chic and not give a fvck. A lot of this mindset will come after you don see them finish - and mostly know what to expect.

You also seem to be emotionally vulnerable to this one, a very good reason to avoid her at all costs. Keep doing what you are doing and get another babe.

But if you still want to bang her once in a while, never raise up any of the issues from the past. Just be cool with her and she'll keep tendering it. Tell her you want you guys to be friends - right off the bat. This means no jealous poke-nosing in her business again too.

What kind of advice is this?

OP please don't listen to it

ileobatojo: Exactly. Are there cases where financial frustrations lead to abuse? Yes. In this case, it is the poverty of the family as a whole that seems to be the risk factor not just the fact that the woman is not working. In general, if you marry an abuser, he will abuse you whether you work or not. All these boyfriends and fiance's that abused their partners were sha not providing for them while the abuse was going on.

The victim not working is mostly relevant because if you are abused and poor with crusted over degrees, it's harder to leave.

The other big relevance is that abusers encourage their victims not to work as another tool of control.

True.

I will agree that lack of financial empowerment leaves the abused with less choices

samyan12: the above is very true, i grew up in a home where my mum was the main breadwinner, and she was still seriously verbally and emotionally abused. my dad always took money from her to invest in harebrained ideas, which never made any headway. my mum is d proverbial meek and submissive woman, and she didnt gain anythng from it. my dad never beat her physically in our presence but he treated her like she was worthless.
she invested a lot oin property and made him overseer over them, he was incharge of collecting rents, for a yle he was even d main signatory to d accounts. if my mum needed money for something, he would abuse her thoroughly before giving it to her. we just understand it growing up.
now we are older we are teaching her to be more assertive. if dere's one thing i took frm dt experience, its been able to smell an abuser from a mile away. it has also made me extra aggressive with men.becos im constantly interpreting every sign as dominance.
im married now and i married a calm and gentle man, sometyms i have to watch myself with him so i dont turn into my father and end up abusing him. whew!!!! i didnt mean to write this epistle.

Wow!

Thanks a lot for sharing. Your mom wasn't submissive, she was subservient.

Please continue to watch that you don't abuse your hubby and you kids should right for your mom and warn him thoroughly

It is well

[quote author=jidegirl12][/quote]I don't think the bolded as anything to do with our conversation.

One ought to prepare for the kind of life (marriage) he/she wants before getting into it.

Have a great day

nbright: The bolded

Ever heard of reading in/out of context?

jidegirl12: Dami I like money oh no be lie

Whether we agree or not Money makes the world go round, most marital abuse are financial related, these girls have no morals or value anymore because of financial gain, they already have a leech mindset from ground up... gimme gimme attitude and these men take advantage of them , sebi they have nowhere to go?

Like you said too, nothing comes free,
WORK for it!

Thanks sis.
--------------

@Equality

I believe women have their limitations when it comes to physical aspect ( you won't catch me dead changing a tire ) , but I've always said I'm yet to see any other life-goals I won't beat that man at it if I put my mind into it.( except I'm not really interested)

However, Any man that is jittery and insecure about his masculinity because I'm in the same room with him should see a shrink, I can't help them with that

That's ^where my equality ethic comes in and ends( achievements), I respect men as the head of the household as God ordained it and I deserve respect back from them too.

A confident and well trained man with his head on his shoulder would always respect women no matter what and same respect is to be reciprocated from the lady too... There's a limit verbal abuse any good man will take from a caustic and ill mannered lady , they( men) are human too so women should stop playing the weaker sex game and smarten up.

I teach my kids there's anything they can't do if they put their mind into it and to respect other gender too because a respectful lady manages a well rounded family because trust me a man would do anything for you when you respect them but it must be earned no doubt.

{b]but I won't encourage my daughters into dangerous tasks because I want to prove what really I am not a feminist and will and continue to denounce it from my kids mindset too[/b].

You believe the bolded and you are not a feminist? Lol! you are funny

@ last bolded, don't confuse foolishness and lack of contentment/self esteem with feminism. Women who do not believe they are equal to men still do that. Ever heard of keeping up with the Jones or my hubby must buy George wrapper for me because Titi's husband did? Most people compete with one person or the other they think are in their league. Just how abuse has many facets, low self esteem also has many facets. The bully is as low self esteemed as the coward.

Every body have abilities to do certain things irrespective of their genders and it would be foolishness to leave what you can do perfectly to start competing with any one. It would also be foolishness for you not to do what you can because of pre-conditioned roles or abilities. If I can sing, why should I leave singing and be trying to dance like Kaffy? If I am good in writing, why should I drop my pen and force myself to act like Omotola? What if your kids were destined to be pilots or mountain rangers or generals, will you stop them because they are female? If your son is destined to be a world class chef, will you stop him because cooking is a 'female's forte'?

I have always said that the biblical meaning of headship/submission of husband/wife has nothing to do with equality or inequality. I do not know of the worldly meaning.

pmc01: This is the kind of mentality that makes the woman condemn her husband to look after their little baby and go for an owambe herself. The kind of mentality that makes a woman abandon her home to attend political rallies and late night political meetings. The kind of mentality that makes a woman leave home for 'work' before seven a.m. and return past nine p.m., while her children are fast becoming juvenile deliquents.

Please, let's get this very clearly, women can NOT be equated to men. Equity is quite different from equality. You can't equate a cat to a lion, just because they are both members of the cat family

The thread says ...

Lessons to teach your daughters that she will never forget

Papi, they are your daughters, teach them what you will

nbright: There was a news I read on vanguard where a woman poured hot rice on a nursing mother... The nursing mother just gave birth.. Women are capable of doing anything.. But in all, I don't and won't advocate beating a woman.. There's this particular girl that was supporting a girl that said she didn't like a man abusing a woman I was so suprised seeing her here saying if a woman abuse a man verbally what stops the man from abusing her back?.. Women!.. Most don't know what they want. @bukatyne... So you mean that a girl will only have that mindset and nothing more?... Ok o

Is that all you got from the post below?

bukatyne: Weddings?

The problem is that people generalize a lot.

You have not found who you want to marry and you are worrying yourself about how the wedding(s) will be

What if you find a lady who has the same mindset with you regarding weddings and that is the only good thing about her?

Biko, worry your head about the more important things

It is well

nbright: @bolded... So true... I discussed this with a neighbour on sunday... She said it is a must, that her marriage must b BIG... When I told her mine will be private with both our families and a handful of guests, she said "Make God keep us alive make I see the mumu girl wey go gree for that kind wedding"... Honestly I'm scared of how my wedding(s) will be... Why do girls lay so much emphasis on the wedding instead of the marriage?

Weddings?

The problem is that people generalize a lot.

You have not found who you want to marry and you are worrying yourself about how the wedding(s) will be

What if you find a lady who has the same mindset with you regarding weddings and that is the only good thing about her?

Biko, worry your head about the more important things

Donxavier: That's the deal. We can't stress enough the importance of everyone being able to fend for his/her selfs both male and female. That is the most important thing. Be self reliant and independent and don't take no bullshit from anyone

Bo ya lomo pe a lot of abused people are over self reliant sef!

You have not seen bank mgrs., lawyers, doctors, lecturers, registrars etc that are abused on a daily basis.

It is a spirit or (to bring it down), a mindset.

You never see persin wey dey spend your money abuse you join?

The koko is to know who you are and take no bull either employed or not!

Guseh: While i was dating her, i noticed some changes in her actions. She doesn't want me to touch her phone again, but i do play games, watch movies, make calls on her phone (cos na me buy d card) before.
I had to employed some tactics to get her phone. I checked her inbox and was able to to find out that she's been dating another guy.
She apologised and told me that the relationship was just a week old and that her mum is in support of it. We settled it in a mature manner and she promised me not to date the guy, but there was this cold communication' between us.
To cut the story short, I forgot her birthday( though i opologizd) and 2months later, she forgot mine too. Tit 4 tat, i guess?
She stopped picking my calls and won't borther to reply my msg...though she do cme around at some times.
I started making new frds, declined contacting her, eliminated her from my life. It was tough though, but we never spoke from that day I broke up with her until yesterday around 11pm when she called me with a strange number.
She sent me a msg this morning and also droped a msg on my whatsapp telling me that she "still cares"
I know she's been stalking me, casually viewing all my happy status update and pix on internet.
I don't want to go back to her because things will still remain the same and i don't want to get hurt again.
Please, how should i handle her?

@OP,

First, your thread title is wrong because it is more like she dumped you.

What do you mean by 'settled maturedly' when you first discovered she was cheating on you?

Does her mother know about your relationship? If yes, was the mother encouraging her daughter to double date? Confirm this

I want to believe your relationship died a natural death and it is not always one should give a second chance. She obviously was not sorry cheating on you and might continue to do so since

1. She has her mother's backing (if true)
2. She did not show remorse (unless you are not telling the full story)

She said 'she cares'... as per courtesy, tell her thanks and delete her number sharp sharp. She is not worth your time. You do not have anything binding you both together now. If she still continues to stalk you, warn her severely and report her to her family or get your parents to warn hers (if you have the liver to tell them sha) if she still persists.

It is well.