bluespice:

i really want to reply this
there's just a lot to say
okay one thing


don't loose Musa
42 yr old man will get over it . . . eventually
ur family will come to understand also
Musa,
u might not forgive yourself if u let him go
moreso u said u did like him

trust u'll do the best thing

aye StevenP

Nice pic. I see you found Kane's site. You like right?

http://www.itsablackthang.com/

Dinner at City Hall Restaurant
http://www.cityhallnewyork.com/index2.htm

It would be a shame to push away someone who loves you. But if you can’t love back anymore…only you would know that.  Life is really hard. For the entire day, I couldn't say what was on my mind - that is "I am not marrying the old guy"  Instead I went along with the dinner plans tonight.  I called Musa before I left for dinner. I told him that i didn't say anything yet.  He was like " Do what you have to do" and hang up.  he was mad 

During dinner, the old guy kept rubbing my back and stroking my neck.  He tried kissing me but i turned my head and i said "please not here" and asked to be excused.  I told my mom lets go to the LR.

I took the ring off and gave it to my mother.  Before she opened her mouth i said " i don't love him.  I don't know him.  I can't marry a stranger. I am feeling sick and I want to go home"  She was like " I have forgiven you for all the hurtful things you have done to me but before you put this family to shame i'll #$%^&^% blah blah #$%&*$%#$ blah blah blah" and stormed out the LR.  She must have told the old guy because he came looking for me. He was like "i understand this comes as a shock to you blah blah blah and he is not rushing me into marrying him blah blah blah and then he kissed me.  Trying to get a kiss, i told him i can't and my mom has something to tell him. I told him I am leaving b/c I am not feeling well (which was the honest truth).  He offered to take me home but i was like "please"  and left.

Dear Diary:  My mom said the weddings in the Bible were done without courtship and dating. Many times the people didn't even know each other and they worked out just great.  LMAO - crazy woman

Apartment 2B

I took a cab to Musa's (called him ahead) apartment and his mom buzzed me in. He came out and said something to his mom. I didn't understand but he sounded angry. You see,  I came to his apartment because i wanted him to know that i was not with the old guy. He turned to me and said "I'm coming back"  -  took his keys for his van/jacket and left.  Oooo-K, so I was left alone with his mom.  Well, to her I am like a daughter so I was kool.  Then she said "my son loves you"  I smiled and said "really". we both laughed.

She was like "I have a gift to cheer you up" She gave me a pair of earrings, a brassy hand jewelry and a beautiful decorative doll she made herself.  Ok, after she put on the hand piece/earrings in my ears, she rubbed her oily dirty hands in my face. I wanted to say "lady you didn't wash your hands after eating" - lol.  Ok, i know she is trying to be nice but the doll smell real bad. Tomorrow, I am going to give the doll a bath - she needs it. lol. In 30 minutes Musa came back to take me home.  We said nothing to each other on my way home. As i was about to get out his van he said " I am picking you up after work tomorrow"

My mom got home an hour later.  No good night whatsoever but "what's that smell"  - lol. I couldn't tell her it was the smelly doll b/c she'll know i was not sick per se and didn't come straight home.  she was like "i am changing my flight to Sunday because I'll be damn if you make an ass ouf to me.  You see, my mom side of the family has this thinking - "Keep the money in the family"  Meaning, the rich (with money) shouldn't marry the poor (little or no money).

[i]dear diary: I have to continue this b/c  i feel sick.  my face is as red as a boiled lobster and i am seeing two screens. lol

I feel like I have a hang over, even though I don't drink. I feel like my life is on roller coasters.  Yesterday was my mom b/day and I was planning a surprise b/day party for her - they surprised me instead. But before we get into the surprise let me tell you why my life is like a roller coaster.  You see, one day I am this pretty little girl in the BVI - the next day I am living on my own in New York City.

The innocent years

I was the 22 year old virgin.  Some people thought it was great, and others thought I was strange. They assume that since I was a virgin something must be wrong with me, but I was waiting for marriage. There's so much that I wanted to do sexually that I thought I would devour my husband when I do get him. In the beginning I was just busy with school and work so I just never had the time to go out and meet anyone. Since I was not the casual sex type it just never happened.  I thought since I lasted 22 years there was no way I was giving it up to just anybody. Hmm, it's amazing how before my situation was the norm, until that one day I seem to be a freak of nature because of "it".

God's promise broken (off with the purity ring)

I was 22 when I first had sex, which only lasted for ten months, meaning I only had sex for ten months in my lifetime, but I learned and experienced a whole lot, and I think I mastered it pretty well. Since I started late, I thought I would do some research and equipped myself. I joined a yoga class, ordered yoga and karma sutra video tapes and books. I was very wild sexually(not promiscuous), very flexible(doing yoga everyday will cause that). 

A day after breaking up (over the phone) with my first boyfriend in BVI, which he thought was just a fight. I was very upset, so I decided to go shopping, at any stores in Manhattan, which wasn't too far from where I live. I was looking hot and sexy as usual, wearing all black - my hair was looking nice and my make-up was perfect. I was single and felt like I was on top of the world.

After doing some shopping, I went to eat at one of the restaurants, and there I met this black guy I see everyday in the cafeteria at my job. My jaw almost fell off, mmmmmm, that day he was fiiiiine. I'm talking about fine, not just good looking, he was tall, with a nice smooth dark complexion, built, clean cut, goatee, he smelled so good, I liked the way he walked, and he was in a nice suit, he walked in and sat across from me. I was blushing, but tried to keep a straight face. A while after he was just sitting there reading a paper, he got up, I thought he was leaving, but instead walking over to my table. He officially introduced himself, as I did the same, then he asked why was a beautiful woman like me sitting here all alone. I, without any hesitation told him that I had just broke up with my boyfriend. He also shared that how much he admired me in the cafeteria but didn't have the courage to say so

We started flirting, I was all giggly, and he had beautiful teeth and a very nice smile, which was also a turn on. As we headed outside toward my car, he stopped, and held my hand, boy I thought I was going to melt.  After 4 1/2 months I finally gave in.  He was my first. I still blame the devil for having sex out of wedlock - lol.  Ok, the truth is I wanted to release some tension. I just wanted him but he wanted to experiment a mixed-color.  Later on in the relationship he told me how much he was in love with me after confessing his initial intention.  Love sucks and I am tired of being put through the ringer with a bunch of non-sense. I thought I finally found the right person for me but its all a joke at least I think so, maybe falling in love is scary and you try to avoid it to the best of your ability. Well I hope ability takes control cause I am tired and I don't think I can take much more of this.

Dear Diary:  Men are pigs, Who needs them anyway?

Back to the basic

I am not in a relationship and I have renewed my promise to God.  I still get calls from my ex's to know if I would reconsider - so tempting.  The thing is, even though I'm not sexually active, I still think about sex and still have feelings and my hormones are always acting up, and I'm still a freak, in reserve. Hope my future husband will be able to keep up, and be strong enough to handle me, and have what it takes, he better does.hahaha

My best friends and ex's find it hard to believe that I'm no longer active, they think it's a miracle. My new friends or new acquaintances think that I don't know jack and think that I'm completely clueless about sex, just because I don't brag or talk about it. I guess that's a good thing. Little do they know. Certain guys who see me, they claim that I'm a freak, when I ask them why they say that, they tell me it's because of my lips and my ass. Goodness, just like that, just for that, they assume that I'm a freak, I'm not denying it, but how can they tell when I never said a thing.  Oh well, yes I'm a freak, but a freak in reserve.  Hope I get married soon, before I explode - lol

The man I hardly knew but loved him to death

It is important to have a father figure in your life. mine got divorced from my mother when I was young. I mostly didn't think about what it would mean to have a father, because I didn't really have one who was there.  But as I grew older - I craved for my father's love. And I didn't see my real father much -maybe total of 2 (after he left my mom) as I was growing up. Mostly, communication was done over the phone. Honestly I had a bitter-sweet love for my father.  When I thought about him leaving my mother - I hated him.  when he told me stories about how pretty I was when I was a little girl and the time he spent with me - I fell in love with him over again.  The third time I saw my father was when his eyes were closed.  My mother married again, but I'll never consider that dude my stepfather.

Dear Diary: This is my confession.  I was the one who took my stepfather's cat to the other side of Peter's island since I hate it so much and wish it would die. When it disappeared for a few days, I was glad and hoped it died. Unfortunately my mom called and said " the cat came back".  Grrrrrr

Am I my brother's keeper

I still don't understand why my brother lied to me. I gave him anything he asked for, treat his kids as if they are my own.  Anyway he is paying me back my money in installment.  Last Friday, he sent me 500.00. I'll money gram that money to Nigeria soon.  My brother can visit me but he is not staying at my home again.

Dear Diary: I am tired of being used by people who have told me they care and respect me but i know in realty that they really don't and they are just using me. I'm tired of letting people played me like a fool. I'm tired, I'm tired and I'm tired

The crush (copied from my diary) I am just lazy to tell the story.

how can i like you when I haven't even met you. how can I picture my life with you, when I haven't met you. why do I dream about you everyday and every night, when I haven't even met you. why is it that reading your responses bring me closer to you. why is it that whenever I tell my friends about you, I am always blushing, and giggling like a school girl. why is that you have that effect on me. why is it that I try to get you out of my head, but I can't help myself. its like as if something is pulling me to him. he is driving me crazy, cause I know how I feel but I have no idea how he feels. sometimes I wished I was able to call or text him, just to see how his day is going, what he is up to. sometimes I get sad because deep down I have a feeling that our path may never cross, we might never meet and hold one another. we might never get to look in each others eyes, we might never get to play fight, we might never get to hold one another, we might never get to share a kiss. we might never get to be there for each other physically and emotionally, we might never get to dance with each other, go out on a date and spend quality time together.

[b]Dear Diary:  My mind is wide open - I've crushed the crush -Mind over matter.  [/b]

The Old Guy

My mother first introduced me to the old guy. I thought my mother was crazy. I am 27, he is 42. When my mom introduced me to him, she told me no matter what decisions I make in life make sure that I acknowledge this man. I asked her why and she said "the one that you love never marry to he - is the one that love you will make you happy.  Went out with the old guy and he seems ok. We talk a lot over the phone because he is there (London) and I am here.  I only met this guy in person once and I have been talking to him less than a month.

Dear Diary:  Why I am loving a man for the sake of my mother?

A friend in "need"

I used to have a very good friend whom I used to hang out and go places with, since I didn't have a boyfriend at the time. She was like a sister to me, go on weekend getaways, movies, parties, etc,  I was happy to have her as a friend, because I didn't need to have a man to go places with. Whenever we go out I'd meet and flirt with the cute guys of course.

I just thought that she was a very good and caring friend, she'd take me to work and come back to pick me up to take me home, sometimes she'd even spend the night at my place, and shared my bed, wore my clothes and all, she and I sometime shared the same bed. I saw nothing to it. Sharing the same room, bed, bathroom, walking around topless, since we were girls, and very good friends. Until, blah blah blah blah >>>>>>>>>>>>>> Talk about violated, betrayed, dirty, and disgusted. I couldn't believe that she did that to me, after I trusted her, and befriended her for 3 whole years. I did cut every contact with her.  Ever since then, I've been scared and unable to trust any girl, especially if they're friendly and touchy. Some girls are too slick, devious, and tricky, worst than some guys.  How can a woman put you through hell and still expect you to be there for her?

Dear Diary:  By some evil stroke of chance, i have caused a sweet little home to turn sour.  I've put a marriage in shambles.  I'm sorry. I overstepped so many bounds and made a good marriage turned bad. But i had to say something to the better half. What i thought was the right thing to do turned out to be wrong. I have destroyed a loving couple. I'd ask for their forgiveness but I am too much of a coward to do it. So I will go on in torment and deservedly so and I have nobody but myself to blame for the mess I made

12/15/08 Arrival of my family:

My mom is driving me crazy.  everyday is the same Bull Sh**.  I need my space so I can think outside the box - somewhere drama free.  Well, she is here to see the house at Pelham Parkway but she is irritating the hell out of me.  I can't wait until Friday for her to leave.  Anyway, today is her b/day and while she was doing her errands we were (brother and sisters by mom side) planning a b/day party for her.


fools rush in

All along I thought I was going to surprise my mom not knowing the joke was going to be on me.  You see, the same folks who helped me planned the surprise party for my mom were also planning a surprise party for me.  The idea was for my uncle to bring my mom into the room for us to say "SURPRISE".  My sister forgot  to pick up the b/day cake. we went to pick up the cake. Parked the car couple blocks from my home. my sister took the cake out the car and we walked towards my house.  As i opened the door, everyone shouted "SURPRISE".  I was like "wrong person" until I saw my mom and the old guy grinning from ear to ear.

Music playing in the background was "At Last" by Etta James when the old guy knelt.  My whole life flashed in front of me - I saw the beginning and the end.  They say you can't live without breathing but let me tell you this,  I was not breathing for some good minutes.  All i saw were lips moving - i heard no sounds.  I felt as if someone was strangling me. I read the old guy lips "Will you marry me".  Gasping for air I said "yes"   But what was I suppose to do?  My family and friends - his parents and brother were all there. I couldn't embarrass him by saying "NO"  T'was like dude, i don't even know you how could you pull a stunt like this?

Just my luck

I am not sure why but immediately i looked over to my best friend Musa (Moses in Arabic/Muslim) and our eyes locked as he walked out of the party.  You see, I invited Musa to my mom's b/day party.  Well, before I tell you what happened - let me tell you about Musa . . . . . . . .

"Musa is the nicest person you could ever wish to meet.  We worked together for about three (3) years before he was laid-off. He is the drinking buddy (no alchohol), the work friend, the best friend, the friend who knows ALL my secrets. He has the keys to my home. My family likes him a lot too.  A man of little words, very quiet, very respectable, intelligent, funny, smart, cute, handsome,  . .I can go on and on. Oh yea, he is the kind of guy you'll want to convert to Muslim for. lol. He always call me by my last name (not sure why) but that's the way he addresses me (Ms , ) Musa is half Nigerian, half Palestinian (quite a combination eh?) You'll only know he is mixed by looking at his hair and his eyes.  He is smooth black with piercing hazel eyes.  He is the guy all the girls of different colors and race want. Yet, he is never interested in any of them.

The moment Musa and i met, we connected but not in a boyfriend/girlfriend way. To me, he is like my big brother who watches over me.  In fact, because he is such a nice guy i tried to hook him up with every single girl who wanted him - but he was just not into them.  Sometimes i'll joke and say "are you gay" .  He'll say "hmm" stare at me with his piercing eyes and a mysterious smile.  But I know he wasn't gay.  If you ask me, he is sly because i've seen him make moves on girls.  I guess he rather choose for himself."

Ok, back to my story: -

. . . . . .Finally i said to the old guy "excuse me, i have to go to the LR (ladies room)"  I grabbed my coat and snuck out of the "party". "Musa" I yelled - "whattup, why are you leaving -look, I had no idea this was going to happen".  He was like "wow!! Ms. . , I wasn't expecting this tonight maa'an"  I was like "yea, me too".  He shook his head and jumped into his van.  As he was about to leave - he rolled down his car window and said "Has it ever occurred to you that I am in love with you".  At that very moment, i wanted to stop the world and melt with him.  All along I had this itchy feeling inside just waiting for it to be scratched and for the first time I was able to scratch that feeling.  It felt damn good.

Dear Diary: I am at work today with a very heavy heart but I can't cry because of people around me. I hope I can hold up until I get home so I can cry my heart out. I am so sad, yet happy and confused. The old guy is in love with me but I want to be with Musa.

Biting my nails - how to tell the Old Guy?

How do i break the news to my mom and the old guy.  I have one day to do this (tapping my fingers).  You see its not as easy as Musa said. He said "just tell them or I'll come over there and tell them" 

I can' tell the old guy.  At least not with his parents around.  I think I'll wait until everyone leaves on Friday then i'll tell him.

Maybe i should hide a letter in his suitcase. . . . .naah, that's not nice

Action speaks louder than words.  How about wait until he is back in London then start ignoring his calls or when he call - slam the phone down.  naah , that's not nice either.

Tomorrow i should start some nit picking fights, get irritated over little things a lot - then say what I have to say. naah, that's childish

Tell him i hardly know him and what he did was wrong. Or maybe i should say -sorry, I can't marry you -here is your ring.  Ouch!!!


Dear Diary: I have to come up with a plan by tomorrow.  I have to  I have to.  Good night diary until tomorrow

kool

very very sentimental.

Luv it!!!

Sad but this sentence caught my eyes

"she just has to keep the baby despite the odd circumstances surrounding it"

With a choice like that - she is going to be blessed.  Tell her put God first in her life everything else will fall into place

Peace

g4grace:

'How would you explain this? i leave you for just two months and now this'

'But papa, it isnt my fault, things got out, '

'Your mother would be so disappointed if she was here'

'Papa, you have to believe me' she had waited all evening to discuss this over her father and make him to see her own side of the story 'i know i shouldnt have attended the, '

'You are so irresponsible'

She had had enough

'Come back here Sonia'

Her footsteps could be heard down the hallway as she ran away from the presence of her father. Her eyes were filled with tears she knew she couldnt shed. All she wanted was for him to listen to her and assure her that everything was going to be alright like the way her Ma always does.

All this was as a result of one dark and terrible night. She wished Jenny, her younger sister hadnt travelled with her dad. She shouldnt have gone for the party. Lizzie had convinced her to go. She had gone alrite but had come back just in time.

Recalling that fateful day as she entered her bedroom, she saw him. He must have followed her home. She remembered seeing his face throughout the party, and here he was in her bedroom. she had dashed fast for the door but he was faster than her. her screams were loud enough to turn every living soul deaf but no one came to her aid. Luckily for her the the HIV test she carried was negative but the pregnancy test was positive.

She had never dreamed of doing an abortion in her entire life and she wasnt ready to do any yet. she just has to keep the baby despite the odd circumstances surrounding it. she badly needed someone right now, someone to advice her and tell her the steps to take.

She cried herself to sleep that night.

Throw me
Catch me
Up Me
Down Me
So I can be a ball for you baby

Rub me
Lick me
Wet me
Oil me
So I can be an eel for you baby

Front me
Back me
Bounce me
Spin me
So I can be a fan for you baby

Whip me
Pinch me
Scratch me
Spank me
So I can be a slave for you baby

Squeeze me
Milk me
Pull me
Stretch me
So I can be a spring for you baby

Love me
Kiss me
Touch me
Marry me
So I can be your wife baby

yea, i like hughes