₦airaland Forum

EBK2: You are dealing with a very ungodly and irresponsible man (he brough TWO human beings into this world and he is messing around without any plan for them - By his actions, he is bringing so much confusion and pain for the next generation) and are asking for a counsel that only God or a person with godly authority over you can give you. You may be living in a fantasy romance-filled world because of holiday, sex, and pre-commitment feeling you have for each other, but when all fizzle out, your experience will not be different from those of the other lady (and will be worse).

Ma'am the best thing is to fundamentally change your way and allow Christ into your life, and you know that is the right thing to do. Anything less is a big gamble with your life, future and destiny and men will continue to play you around because you havent established you worth.

Any man/woman in a poor spiritual state will always make wrong marriage decisions to be regretted in the future. This is a fact established from history past.
In all you wrote, there is no evidence of God in them, all about lust, feeling, vacation ( I am sure the other lady went through this roller coaster) etc and every things about that relationship is so flawed to the core.

I am not meant to be harsh to you, but just want to tell you the raw truth. So dont think I am judging you, but look at it like I want the best for you even if you disagree with me.

God bless you as you do the right thing!!

Thanks for your honest opinion. Don't worry, about being harsh. I was expecting anything when I started spreading my personal matters on Nairaland.

Someone quoted one time that
" No one is perfect in this world, if you always avoid people for their mistakes, you will be alone in this world. because everyone is imperfect"

I do not want a perfect man, because I am also not perfect. I am as imperfect myself and I have done things that I am also not proud of, but by Gods grace, not that I deserve his grace, he protected me and changed me. Some of the things that I have done in the past, I cannot thank God enough. ( feeling emotional ) I have shared some of my imperfections with Mr Chinelo, and he judged me less.

When I was growing up and being critical of other peoples mistakes my mother used to say " If you think the person is bad, do you have a dustbin/trashcan for bad people, so we can get rid of them. If you continue to show any person, Gods love, they can be better people."

She would continue to quote different verses in the bible. One that comes to mind is a " Prostitute who offered Jesus water, when he was thirsty" Did the woman deserve the worst husband because of her history?

As for allegedly his money, I have met and have as we speak better suitors than him, in all aspects ( including money, history, baggage ) , but I do not love them. Its no use playing with their hearts. The marriage would definitely head for disaster.
I am quiet matured to do that mistake. Past has been my best teacher in that aspect. But then there are things I love in a man that involves his money, that is "being spoiled" as I also spoil my partner. Is there something wrong with wanting a partner who spoils you?

The truth of the matter is, when people are younger, they sometimes make mistakes ( multiple intimate partners, babies, choosing partners based on material, abortion etc ), those mistakes stay with them for the rest of their lives. Because they did UnGodly mistakes Do they now deserve to be permanent outcasts from the society because they were unGodly?? He made those mistakes, together with his ex partner, all I need to find out is, " has he realised his mistake and is he willing to change?? How is he planning to make it up to the kids"

Sometimes, you can meet a man with no kids, but sucks ( excuse my french). So I cannot settle for a man with bad character, because he does not have kids. Or " evidence that will prove that he was once unGodly"

The fact is we have all been unGodly, its just that some of us were never left with obvious consequences as evidence.
Most of us have been intimate ( some with more than 10 partner before turning 25 ) , but we were fortunate enough not to conceive ( to show for it ) Basically the deed was the same, but the consequences are different.

Am I worse than someone who marries a divorcee??
Am I worse than someone who decides to marry a former prostitute
Am I worse than a woman who aborted and wanting something good for heself

The fact is in the eyes of God if the above mentioned people decide to change, they may enter Gods Kingdom faster than yourself. My God does not use human standards but his standards, which no one understand, not even Pope and Pastors.

"Ma'am the best thing is to fundamentally change your way and allow Christ into your life, and you know that is the right thing to do"
Not to be rude or something, you sound like you attend one of those pentecostal churches, aren't you. I find those people to be extremely judgemental and to be hypocritical at times, that I sometime prefer Atheists and AntiChrist to them .

All I am saying is, we all make mistakes and If we are willing to change and do things right, then we deserve as second chance. That is the God I serve. A God of second chances.

I understand your concern, just like anyone will advice anyone against marrying, Ex - prostitute, Ex - offender/ convict , Ex - 419 etc.

Are you perfect?? Are you Godly as per the standard you impose on other people How will you feel if you are judged based on your past mistakes


As I said above, we are still going to go for marriage classes/ counselling to start pretty soon, which will put things into perspective for both of us. I am also praying in my Catholic way, so I know God will guide me in my decision.

[quote
author=olowe2007]Please I need an expert opinion on this. Why are
houses not painted black? Is anything wrong in painting a house
black?[/quote]lol

One of the non negotiable requirements that I wanted from a future husband was that we share the same religion and same religious views.


So going for church wedding is
1) a foundation for our marriage. ( through marriage counselling, intergrating our differences etc )
2) foundation where we will raise our kids
3) foundation for our marriage vows
4) foundation for our family beliefs.


ABOVE ALL MAKING GOD OUR FOUNDATION

So skipping what is suppose to be the foundation for our whole marriage would not make sense to me

Hey guys and funnyx

Thank you all for your advises. The last time I was on this thread I was more confused and guilty, Not about my feelings for my partner, but, if the man I could be about to marry was married in the eyes of God, thereby committing a sin.

I had to breakdown my strategy into mini strategies and one of them is to seek the advice of the church that will likely marry us ( Parish Priest ) .

Well, since my partner and I are both staunch Catholics, I had to get the views of the church, on whether staying together with the ex-babymama and having kids without marriage amount to wife.

According to the church, before we prepare for marriage classes, the Parish Priest will have to do some checks on whether both of us are not married according to the Catholic Church. If one of us was married and the marriage was never nullified on the basis of ( death of the spouse or nullity according to the church ), then we will not be free to marry.

Well the answer is NO, COHABITATION AND HAVING KIDS IT DOES NOT AMOUNT TO MARRIAGE.

It was the woman and my partners decision to cohabit thereby BOTH committing fornication, and that has nothing to do with me.

According to the church there was never any marriage, so we are both free. Just got a report from my parish priest

Again culturally, there was never any introduction done for her I also gather that the babymama has moved on.


MY NEXT STEP IS ATTENDING MARRIAGE CLASSES.

Apparently, its like marriage counselling. It will give us an opportunity to uncover things that could be red flags if we do decide to proceed into marriage.
What I also like about it is that, we can still both pull out after counselling if we discover things that cant work for both of us.

As for the introduction and paying of the "BRIDE PRICE", it will have to wait until the end our marriage classes.

Wish me LUCK

Thanks alot.

carefreewannabe: Yes, a man can stop loving a woman he procreated with!

Could it be that the man is hiding the communication with his babymomma because he knows how jealous your friend is?

It takes a lot of maturity to handle such a situation.[b]If your friend can't handle it, she should pack up and go.[/b]A mature woman will encourage a certain level of communication between her man and his babymomma for the sake of the innocent children.

@ highlighted, that was very harsh. With time she may get used to it.

I hear you , but it really takes alot of maturity from both parties. From the one who brought baggage and the one who is a victim of the situation.

Then again the party who brings baggage should not take advantage of that maturity expecting you to always adjust. Its his baggage and his responsibility to make you feel comfortable with his baggage. So its a win win situation.

No woman wants that for themselves. We all want to live a fairytale in our relationships. Where you are the first one to give him babies etc. But some of us are not that fortunate.

But then again you don't decide to fall in love with someone with baggage, it just happens. And you cant leave a good man because he made mistakes in the past.

I bet alot of men out there cannot tolerate what woman tolerate. Talkless of dating a woman with a child. Alot of Nigerian man can't, they avoid them like one piece meat on your plate, saving it for last, if all doesn't go well .

If you meet a woman with a child always making secret calls to the babbydaddy, no man can take that heat.

So its easier said than done.

.

oyinbogirl: LOL @ 'snooping' gosh

ANYways....

I do agree with some points you made. That is true... this is a delicate situation here your in, stepfamilies Nothing comes easy, please dont let it cause fights between you two, try as you said to have a friendly relationship with the mum, this might help you feel more relaxed. Its a good idea. Being the childs friend is enough for now, you dont need to be a mum yet. Let the child get used to you & build a relationship between you unique for you both.

Now im Not sure of the age cos u didnt mention that fact, but ....you know, just try be pleasant, (make them feel welcome & all) try and love the child as best you can seeing as you love his/her dad. This child is a part of him. Hopefully thing will get easier for you as time goes by. Dont allow it to be 'his child' biologically yes thats true, but its so much better if you can involve yourself too, it really helps and goes a long way. That child gonna be around a long time, and theres no reason you should be hated unless u make it so or want it so dear. I was in this situation myself, I can see where your coming from. PLease my dear, dont let insecurity win over you, you have a guy who married you, and perhaps have a family of your own some day too.

But in the meantime, be his support, talk to him openly without harshness or blame, be there[i] for him & show him your there if he needs help with his child - and he will talk to you & tell you more as a benefit. Trust me! Also, I hope your ok with husband spending time with the child? As for contact with the ex, it should be minimal but can also depend on the age of the child too & some other factors. As the child gets older they are able to call dad themself , tell dad more things themself...and so forth. Without mum having to. so you see the contact wears down correspondingly to the years of the child. If it dosnt then qs that.... and dont forget Mum might even get a new partner, highly likely!

Everyone has a role here, and can be involved (in a good way) Keep in mind jealousy can ruin everything you worked for.
Hope all goes well and like to hear how things go

Thanks love. As for my friend I will consider your advice

I will update you in the nearest future.

You seem very matured. Just out of the topic, I have never met his kids as yet, as they stay with their mom. But what the best way to introduce yourself as a stepmom. Do I tell the kids I am their daddy's friend, daddy's what ? What does he need to tell them

I always imagine myself on the first day going like
" Hi, my name is Chinelo, I am your mom when your mom is not around " or
" Hi, my name is Chinelo. My music, my beat, my house, you dance"


Sounds stupid though . Whats the best way to introduce yourself to the kids without creating walls and fear
1) As a your fathers friend ( who sleeps in their fathers bedroom ) , ( Duuuuh, kids are not stupid )
2) Stepmom,
3) Aunty Chinelo ( sounds better )

That always puzzles me

[quote author=steve_cantrell]No one said anything about love or hate, just a spiritual connection.[/quote]Well maybe I do not understand English well well.

But Spiritual has everything to do with your belief and superpowers. So where does spiritual comes in with the babymama

So Sir, am I so confused.

Situation: kahle. said nadia ipersonality is very. phakeme...coz there was a time I came back from work n starving. and eish she didn't cook coz she didn't feel like it that was about 1800hrs..I just dropped my files grab. my keys and we went to tanterlizer nearby n. had. a great meal.well try that with someone diff and yu earn yourself an episode of CSI lol
we all different you know and hey the food part is crucial believe she trapped me with that. Nigerian men like good food... @nadia. you sabi cook ibo food. ba

So your SA boo, cooks Naija food . That's nice

When he makes me angry I store him as '' DONT ANSWER THAT JACKASS" "JACKASS"


When we are all happy " Poobie Bear" " Snuggley Bear" " Better Half "

favinvest: Are they more trainned than the yoruba girls.
Little wonder ur igbo boys committ all manner of actrocities in Lagos and other countries and they will call it business including kingnapping; ritual killing; cocain etc.. Nonesense culture that's pushes young men to steal jst to belong

You only fit to stay in my garden and become a gnome

What an eye opener.

Will keep on reading. Thanks you guys and more importantly OP

[quote author=steve_cantrell]Feelings or no feelings, there is always a spiritual relationship when u make a baby with someone.[/quote]Spiritual relationship?? what do you mean?

Are you trying to say they will always be connected and love each other

oyinbogirl: They can have a child together but they dont have to have feeling for each other. That said, she will always be in his life for a large number of years until the child is at least a teen. And the child will never be gone from the man's life either. Depends, he shouldnt have to show every conversation for 'inspection' but on the same note nor should he hide it. But why has the wife kept records of the conversations? He has chosen to be with her & not the baby mama after all

@highlighted :
1) I guess its just woman snooping and we get what we don't have to know.
2) Again I think the man did not make an effort to show the woman that he is over his ex regardless of the child they share.

I believe that if you enter a relationship where you have the child with a previous partner, you have the responsibility to prove to your partner that you have outgrown the relationship. And you have nothing to do with your ex except your child.
Just like in any normal relationship with no kids, you have to assure your partner that you are with them and nobody else.

Yes, you are not responsible for his/her insecurities, but you are responsible for assuring her that its all over.

Doing things behind scenes is not acceptable for me.

Now that I may find myself in a similar position, I will demand that we ( me and the babymama ) have a clear relationship with the mother of his kids with boundaries. How he does it, will be his own baby. Selfish as it sound

I cannot be an instant mother and also aqcuire an instant enemy ( babymama ).
I also think that having a relationship with the babymama makes your job as a stepmother much easier.

I think that will work best for me.

Unfortunately she never made clear demands from the beginning If I look at it.

Donjazzy12: I will answer you thus. The Gay lifestyle affects the economy negatively in the following ways:
1, They are not biologically productive(ie) decline in workforce.
2, [b]Gays especially male homosexuals spreads diseases cause of their promiscuity and unhealthy sexual practices from research see. According to researchers there is 18 times more chances of gay men spreading HIV than heterosexual men. [/b]Did You get that into your thick skull! These figure are recent. And these researches include gay friendly countries like the US and UK.http://healthland.time.com/2012/07/20/hiv-continues-to-spread-among-gay-men-studies-show/
3, IT IS A SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN FACT THAT HIV WAS FIRST DIAGNOSED AMONG GAY MEN.

OK, so you believe that you should protect them from HIV by denying them their right

Who died and made you Gay rescurer/ Angel.

Besides, Naija has the biggest population to last a lifetime.

STOP HOMOPHOBIA

Well, I am Igbo na. My parents originating from Anambra, Ogidi. My partner is from the East as well. That makes me not immune.

.

nbright: In my place, when a husband dies even without a will, everything falls to his wife (if his 1st son is still a kid) unless stipulated otherwise in the will... So don't you generalise that all in-laws rush to acquire their brothers wealth after his demise... Go to Benin... Many of the landladies inherited the properties from their late husband's

https://www.nairaland.com/1490600/ojukwus-family-asks-bianca-proof

Am sorry to go back to the topic that we already closed. Just wanted to show you an example of what happens to widows in Naija. Not limited to this. Read the story on the link. You may have been following the story.

So I understand my parents take on the matter. I do not think my parents are generalizing, but they are trying to be objective and practical looking at million possibilities.

DIFFICULT BEING A WIDOW OF A RICH MAN IN NIGERIA

Lord of the widows, fight for this widow.

Vivauche: hahaha funny lol. But haven't heard dat money can't buy happiness?

It doesn't buy you love but it gives you power and freedom. Money can make me run from my abuser.

Some people stay in ( verbally, emotionally, and physically ) abusive relationships because they don't have financial power to stand on their own.

That's why I hate financial abuse. ROOT OF ALL ABUSE.

sultanemerald: since individuals should be left to make their own choices, why are they bent on making everyone accept their twisted mindset?

That's where you are completely wrong. Gays want to be given an opportunity to be. They want to be in a society where they dont get judge because of the intimate preference

They didn't say they want everyone to believe in gayism

They want to be afforded all RIGHTSt afforded to hererosexual, leper, mentally disturbed. They want to ''BE".

WHICH IS A RIGHT TO BE MARRIED AND THEIR RIGHT BE CONSTITUTIONALLY AND SOCIALLY RECOGNISED

PLEASE LET THEM BE

OUT OF ALL THE ABUSES THERE ARE ON EARTH , I THINK I HATE FINANCIAL ABUSE

My friend is faced with a dilemna and I had to advice accordingly.

She married a man who had a child from previous relationship.
The husband constantly communicates with the babymama. The wife has a record of all their conversations, though the husband does not know.

When she communicates how uncomfortable she is with their communication, the husband tells her that they communicate only about their child.

Which I understand. One can never seperate a man from his kids. If you marry in such a situation, you should have a heart to share your husband, period.

The wife is worried that their communication might re-kindle what they use to have. Especially since the husband does it in hiding and is not open about it.

ARE HER WORRIES LEGITIMATE?? CAN A MAN EVER STOP LOVING A WOMAN HE ONLY PROCREATED WITH BUT NEVER MARRIED?

porka: Yes, there are also armed robbers and pedophiles and terrorists and fraudsters and hard drug barons amongst us.

No, it is not the a r m e d robbers and pedophiles and terrorists and fraudsters and hard drug barons that caused poverty, disease, illiteracy etc, but they are criminals under our laws.

Robbers are responsible for businesses and people loosing money
Paedophiles are responsible for emotional and physical suffering of their victims
Fraudster is responsible for gullible and innocent people loosing their hard earned cash >>>> poverty
Drug barons are responsible for prostitutes, kids being hooked, rape, crime all crimes done under the influence of any narcotics >>>>> poverty, illeteracy ( directly or indirectly )


What are two consenting, adult HOMOS....ALS responsible for when they are intimate behind their closed door


People should be at liberty to make their own choices.

God gave everyone a choice, hence he decided not to relocate his office to PLANET EARTH.

He didnt want to make choices for us

Situation: comon nadia don't tease me Ngisaqala ukufunda isizulu..Ngiyakuthanda Ngempela so nke ihora I visit SA I try to pick words when pipol speak n I end up most doing direct interpretation

Wow this language sounds romantic.

[quote author=MR.SANITY]since you are their spokes person, you can tell them to remain in the closet 92% of Nigerians do not want to see them[/quote]

"WHAT YOU RESIST PERSISTS"

No matter what the FG can do, there will always be gays in our society. In the closet or out of the closet.

You will be shocked at the number of Nigerian man in foreign lands, who are gays. Sleeping and experimenting with Oyibo man.

I do not support a nannystatism . Some sort of discretion should be left for individuals/ society to decide for themselves and some should be left for the government to exercise their power.

Is it the gays that cause poverty, disease, illiteracy etc?? How about focusing on such issues and leave HOMOSEXUALITY to individuals.

SEXUAL PREFERENCES AND CHOICES SHOULD BE LEFT FOR INDIVIDUALS.


I am ready to be attacked by a school of pirhanas ( Anti-gays )

iterator25: Lol.. husband is scarce

The beginning of wisdom.

" The importance"

OP, I hope your heart is bulletproof and ready for the responses.

Don say I didn warn you.

Lol. Lets go Nigerians.

@ godello, make me understand
Would appreciate different views.

Lol. Jesus .